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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 03 Apr 11 - 10:49 PM
Little Hawk 03 Apr 11 - 10:45 PM
Amos 03 Apr 11 - 10:16 PM
GUEST,Rapparee 03 Apr 11 - 01:04 PM
Amos 03 Apr 11 - 12:11 PM
Acme 03 Apr 11 - 10:58 AM
GUEST 03 Apr 11 - 09:43 AM
Acme 03 Apr 11 - 01:39 AM
Rapparee 02 Apr 11 - 10:50 PM
Amos 02 Apr 11 - 09:49 PM
gnu 02 Apr 11 - 03:52 PM
Acme 02 Apr 11 - 02:27 PM
gnu 02 Apr 11 - 12:50 PM
Rapparee 01 Apr 11 - 09:17 PM
Rapparee 01 Apr 11 - 05:42 PM
Eiseley 01 Apr 11 - 04:08 PM
Little Hawk 01 Apr 11 - 03:56 PM
Amos 01 Apr 11 - 01:20 PM
Rapparee 01 Apr 11 - 10:21 AM
Amos 01 Apr 11 - 09:42 AM
Acme 31 Mar 11 - 11:48 PM
Rapparee 31 Mar 11 - 11:37 PM
Eiseley 31 Mar 11 - 10:45 PM
Rapparee 31 Mar 11 - 09:25 PM
Amos 31 Mar 11 - 02:37 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 31 Mar 11 - 11:23 AM
Eiseley 31 Mar 11 - 10:56 AM
Rapparee 31 Mar 11 - 10:43 AM
Acme 31 Mar 11 - 01:04 AM
Amos 30 Mar 11 - 08:44 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 11 - 08:42 PM
Little Hawk 30 Mar 11 - 08:10 PM
Amos 30 Mar 11 - 08:06 PM
Acme 30 Mar 11 - 07:12 PM
Little Hawk 30 Mar 11 - 05:34 PM
Amos 30 Mar 11 - 03:29 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 Mar 11 - 02:52 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 11 - 02:49 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 Mar 11 - 01:48 PM
gnu 30 Mar 11 - 01:42 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 Mar 11 - 12:57 PM
Amos 30 Mar 11 - 12:49 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 Mar 11 - 12:46 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 11 - 11:58 AM
Amos 30 Mar 11 - 11:49 AM
MMario 30 Mar 11 - 10:19 AM
Rapparee 30 Mar 11 - 10:16 AM
MMario 30 Mar 11 - 08:48 AM
Amos 29 Mar 11 - 11:23 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 11 - 08:36 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 10:49 PM

Yeah, and in addition to stuff they took his sense of security. Break-ins really suck. I've been there, but instead of feeling violated, like you're supposed to feel, my wife and I were really, really pissed off.

If the doers of the deed at Amos' place are caught I hope he suggests community service for them -- say, 12 hours as bayonet training dummies at Camp Pendleton.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 10:45 PM

You place got broken into, Amos?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 10:16 PM

It's been a long productive day, Mom. I repaired the sprinkler system, and I handled bits and pieces left from the effing breakin and I helped Genie record her piece for the Mudcat Seasonal CD, and I got the last of BBW's edits on the book done and sent her the final review copy, and I made dinner and did dishes and...and...a bunch more stuff I forget.

ANother damned week of employed productivity lies ahead, like the endless freeways of West Texas. It reminds me of those long drives punctuated only by miles of Texas miles and the occasional billboard that reads "If you lived here, you would be home now!" but leave out the part that says "...but you wouldn't have any friends!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 01:04 PM

Yulp, that war me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 12:11 PM

Even as a Guest, he is suspect!! Oh, tempura!! Oh, morels!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 10:58 AM

I strongly suspect that last "Guest" was our own Raparee.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 09:43 AM

I forbear from telling what happened the day my brother fell into the pen.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 01:39 AM

With that story I think our best policy is to grin and bear it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 10:50 PM

We used to get baby ducks and chicks for Easter. We'd feed them and they'd grow up and one day they'd run away. Shortly thereafter we had poultry of one sort or another for dinner. We never had rabbits because the coyotes would eat them. Duckies and chickies would eat the coyote, at least the duckies and chickies we had. One day a grizzly bear knocked its way into the duckies and chickies pen and when the d&c's couldn't reason with him they turned him into a capon and...well, it was rudely humorous.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 09:49 PM

Puir dookies!! The look on their faces when they finally got back up!! "WTF WAS THAT, MOM!! You told me it was SAFE!..."


LOL



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 03:52 PM

That obviously makes no nevermind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 02:27 PM

MOM! Have you seen this new movie? Away All Boats Ducks?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 12:50 PM

Toys are better than boys?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 09:17 PM

Well, Pat's upstairs playing with her new computer.

You know the old saying about women and their toys....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 05:42 PM

Yes, purple ones with a purple one, tho' I'm certain he has never tasted, much less drunk, a purple Jesus.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 04:08 PM

He hates pimp[le]s with a passion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 03:56 PM

Wow. Majorly specist lyrics there, Amos. I don't think Chongo will be pleased. He hates pimps with a passion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 01:20 PM

I don' wanna be now businessman
Or a monkey in a tree
Ever since I was a little ape
A pimp is what I wanted to be
Yes I am bound to pimp
A pimping chimp's the life for me
Let me beat on the ladies
A pimpin' chimp's what I wanna be.


Gonna drive me a pink Caddielac
And shoot a big pink gat
Gonna shake down all the ladiers, yeah
In a pink fedora hat
Yes I am bound to pimp
A pimping chimp's the life for me
Let me beat on the ladies
A pimpin' chimp's what I wanna be.


My momma often tole me
You should not act like this
Just think of poor sweet Chinga
And protect your little Sis
But I am bound to pimp
A pimping chimp's the life for me
Let me beat on the ladies
A pimpin' chimp's what I wanna be.

You know I love hard whiskey
And I love those big cigars
I wanna spend like a big-time pimp
And drive a big pimp's car
Yes I am bound to pimp
A pimping chimp's the life for me
Let me beat on the ladies
A pimpin' chimp's what I wanna be.


(Sliding steel with heavy R&B backing fades out....)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 10:21 AM

My nephew, Dan, was VERY upset because on the day before my brother collapsed in the ER his father had sighed and said to him, "Dan, you'll be the death of me yet" as he checked over Dan' homework. It took quite a lot of work to convince him that it was just an expression and he wasn't guilty of anything.

Stuff like that can come back and haunt someone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 09:42 AM

Your sense of humor is transparent. Eiseley, my condolences; I wish her a safe passage and a well-chosen return.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 11:48 PM

Your Granny and Janie's father. Death didn't take a holiday today.

Just in case your son does remember that, you might want to talk about it with him - that jokes can't bring on events. At least not events like this. Because when tomorrow rolls around, he may think back, but he is liable to not share his thoughts, just worry about them.

Tomorrow is the annual art glass sale on campus. It gets bigger every year and most of the glass is now untouchable. I'm awfully tempted to go - they've been doing some wonderful things with fuzed glass, as well as blowing and molding. The students and faculty there are a real glass act!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 11:37 PM

Requiescat in pace.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 10:45 PM

Granny has gone to her eternal reward. It is actually a relief, to all the others as well as to Granny herself. Three hundred sixty-four days ago exactly, my middle son came running in the house with a very subdued look on his face and said solemnly, "Granny just died . . . " I waited, a bit shocked, and he continued ". . . April Fool!"

I don't think I'll remind him. :)

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 09:25 PM

Once a little chimpanzee
Was learning at his mother's knee
Of the ways of apes and chimps,
Monkeys, bonobos, orangutangs and pimps.

"Yes!" shouted the little chimpanzee
"A pimp is what I want to be!"
His poor mother fainted dead away,
And her little son went out to play.

He sold his sisters to some men
Who used them up, one died, and then
He stole his elderly father's gun,
And from his mother stole quite a sum.

He used ill-gotten loot to buy
A ticket to the You Ess Eye
Where he slipped through Immigration tight
By hiding in a tun of shite.

Now he lives in the Windy City
(A place to be in fear and pity)
Denies his sister, mom and dad:
Methinks this chimp's gone to the bad.

    -- Amelia Mary Freshet, A Bad Little Monkey
       (Small, Idaho: Small Press, 1873)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 02:37 PM

"I love you, Mother!" said CHongo the creep
And down the stairs did softly creep
Stealing his long dead father's gat
And hitting the road. What love is that?
Leaving her, aged, to moan and limp
Such is the love of Chongo Chimp.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 11:23 AM

It does my heart good to see all this great poetry about chimps makin' itself heard and raisin' the public consciousness.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 10:56 AM

A Test of Love

"I love you, Mother," said little John;
Then, forgetting his work, his cap went on,
And he was off to the garden swing,
Leaving his mother the wood to bring.

"I love you, Mother," said little Nell;
"I love you better than tongue can tell!"
Then she teased and pouted half the day,
Till mother rejoiced when she went to play.

"I love you, Mother," said little Fan
"Today I'll help you all I can,"
To the cradle then she did softly creep,
And rocked the baby till it fell asleep.


Then stepping softly, she took the broom,
And swept the floor and dusted the room;
Busy and happy all day was she,
Helpful and cheerful as she could be.

"I love you, Mother," again they said,
Three little children going to bed.
How do you think that Mother guessed
Which of them really loved her best?

From Ethics for Chimpanzees
by Elmer F. Capon


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 10:43 AM

I hardly know what to say about that poem, Stilly. It's touched me, touched me deeply. Having read it my life was completed and all other poetry and prose have, like an insubstantial pageant, faded and left not a rack behind. Other poetry, like gorgeous palaces and cloud-capped towers, have faded into air, into thing air. I know now that they were but such things as dreams were made of and their little life were rounded with a sleep.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 11 - 01:04 AM

A Good Chimp


I woke before the morning, I was happy all the day,
I never said an ugly word, but smiled and stuck to play.

And now at last the sun is going down behind the wood,
And I am very happy, for I know that I've been good.

My bed is waiting cool and fresh, with linen smooth and fair,
And I must be off to sleepsin-by, and not forget my prayer.

I know that, till to-morrow I shall see the sun arise,
No ugly dream shall fright my mind, no ugly sight my eyes.

But slumber hold me tightly till I waken in the dawn,
And hear the thrushes singing in the lilacs round the lawn.

Bobbie Louie Stevie,
whenever, wherever


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 08:44 PM

The Chimpanzee at the Bottom of the Garden

I'm going down to the bottom of the garden
I'll be back in time for tea.
I need to have a little talk there
With the winged chimpanzee.
Yes there's a chimp at the bottom of the garden,
And you needn't scoff or sneer.
He lives among the bluebells there
Quite free of any fear.
Oh there are chimps down there in the garden
They live there bold and free
But big folks just can't see them!
The only one who does is me.

Lucy Andrews "Tinkerbell" Featherstone Fotherignton-Hurndall
Age 7


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 08:42 PM

THIS!!!

Turn on your speakers first. THIS is folk music at its best!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 08:10 PM

Immortality is achieved, Amos, as long as a character lives on in people's minds and is remembered. That's why Sherlock Holmes is immortal while Jake Palmer isn't. Why do I even have to explain so elementary a principle to a man like you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 08:06 PM

Interesting leap of flawed logic. "I do not age, therefore I am immortal" completely ignores the much more probable explanation: "I do not age, therefore I am not real!"



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 07:12 PM

By that manner of reasoning, anyone ever mentioned on paper is "immortal." Needs a little stronger evidence of existence than that - how about a blood test?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 05:34 PM

That's right. ;-) Sherlock Holmes never ages, and neither does Chongo. In fact...they are immortal!

Gives one pause, doesn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 03:29 PM

Chongo, fergeeddaboudit. You was dreamed up, not born, a synthetic revery with artificial time built-in. You was never any younger than you was the day that happened. 'Course you don't age much, either, so it's a trade-off I guess.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 02:52 PM

I meant ta say "it", lunkhead. It would be kinda helpful...

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 02:49 PM

I would be kinda helpful if I was...

You ain't real helpful now, and the folks I know from Chicago are usually at least 100 time more helpful. 100 x 0 still equals 0.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 01:48 PM

I would be kinda helpful if I was, from the point of view of runnin' for president. But, no, I was born in West Central Africa. Came over on the boat in the late 20's, landed in New York City, later moved to Chicago which is the place I now call home.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 01:42 PM

I thought you were from West Chicongo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 12:57 PM

You oughta clean out yer ears now and then, Amos. You would hear people better. What I meant was: he is STILL in his first childhood. He never friggin' moved past it.

- Chongo

p.s. As fer me...yeah, childhood was a pretty brief episode. Things got serious kinda quick over there in West Africa.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 12:49 PM

We were talking about the first one, Chongo. ANyway, you didn;t have even ONE, so what do you know?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 12:46 PM

His childhood ain't alleged, it's still happenin'.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 11:58 AM

Thank you. Your appreciation is appreciated.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 11:49 AM

IT depends on where you get the snails, and whose liver is dumplinged.

ANyway, Rapp, I have all respect for the alleged poverty of your alleged childhood. You are truly the Munchausen of the Have Nots.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 10:19 AM

*grin* funny to see liver dumpling soup and snail soup used as examples of poverty - because I've seen recipes for them from VERY posh restaurants....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 10:16 AM

You ever eat liver noodle soup, Amos? Or snail soup? We had them all the time when I was growing up, because we were very, very, very, very poor. We were so poor that the church mice were looked down their noses at us. So poor that we eat cow pie for a special treat. So poor that beggars and tramps gave US crumbs of bread. We didn't even have our own pants until we went into the military...we had to share the same pair for years and years, which got tricky at school and church. We were so poor we not only didn't go to movies and have a radio or television, we hadn't even heard about them.

And yet, it built character and made my siblings and me what we are today: eccentric as all hell, but never boring.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 08:48 AM

Sounds to me like your ex-in-laws are lucky to have you around.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 11:23 PM

What a shock to see such schlock!
Die Bukmann mocks and shocks with talk
Of German stock
And stock of Bock
And some ham hock!
Come, bring a lock
Or tick his tock
Or fleche his nock
Or trim his cock
Decor his dock
'Cuz wot da fock
To make folks gawk
At gutter talk
of bock and hock!
This bookish jock
With all his squawk
Must walk the walk!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 08:36 PM

What kind of German soup? Leberknödelsuppe? Aalsuppe? Schneckensuppe? Or is it soup made from Germans? If the last I suggest you cook it thoroughly in a bock stock with a ham hock.


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