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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 31 Jan 10 - 08:03 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 10 - 07:35 PM
Amos 31 Jan 10 - 06:48 PM
Acme 31 Jan 10 - 02:02 PM
Little Hawk 31 Jan 10 - 12:48 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 10 - 12:36 PM
Amos 31 Jan 10 - 12:22 PM
Amos 31 Jan 10 - 12:18 PM
Little Hawk 31 Jan 10 - 11:52 AM
Amos 31 Jan 10 - 11:15 AM
Acme 31 Jan 10 - 01:45 AM
Rapparee 30 Jan 10 - 10:39 PM
Little Hawk 30 Jan 10 - 07:58 PM
GUEST,freds 30 Jan 10 - 06:59 PM
Rapparee 30 Jan 10 - 06:35 PM
Little Hawk 30 Jan 10 - 05:47 PM
Amos 30 Jan 10 - 04:43 PM
Little Hawk 30 Jan 10 - 04:14 PM
Amos 30 Jan 10 - 03:25 PM
Amos 30 Jan 10 - 12:21 PM
Rapparee 30 Jan 10 - 12:14 PM
Rapparee 30 Jan 10 - 11:43 AM
Little Hawk 30 Jan 10 - 11:23 AM
Rapparee 30 Jan 10 - 11:16 AM
Amos 29 Jan 10 - 11:30 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Jan 10 - 11:24 PM
Rapparee 29 Jan 10 - 10:10 PM
Little Hawk 29 Jan 10 - 06:19 PM
Little Hawk 29 Jan 10 - 06:18 PM
Little Hawk 29 Jan 10 - 06:15 PM
Rapparee 29 Jan 10 - 06:08 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Jan 10 - 05:22 PM
Amos 29 Jan 10 - 04:53 PM
Acme 29 Jan 10 - 03:34 PM
Amos 29 Jan 10 - 03:04 PM
Rapparee 29 Jan 10 - 01:16 PM
Amos 29 Jan 10 - 12:02 PM
Amos 29 Jan 10 - 11:55 AM
Amos 29 Jan 10 - 11:44 AM
Little Hawk 29 Jan 10 - 11:15 AM
MMario 29 Jan 10 - 10:00 AM
Amos 28 Jan 10 - 11:17 PM
Rapparee 28 Jan 10 - 05:08 PM
Amos 28 Jan 10 - 04:15 PM
Rapparee 28 Jan 10 - 03:27 PM
Little Hawk 28 Jan 10 - 02:56 PM
Little Hawk 28 Jan 10 - 02:35 PM
Amos 28 Jan 10 - 02:25 PM
Acme 28 Jan 10 - 02:21 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 28 Jan 10 - 02:17 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 08:03 PM

My, that is so original!! Wherever do you get your ideas, Mister Aree?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 07:35 PM

It was many and many a year ago
In a kingdom by the sea
That we munched with a sauce
That was more than loss
I and my cannibal, Lee.
Now Lee he was a cannibal man
A regular sort of feller
And he hung up joints and various cuts
From the floor joists down in the cellar.
But I had to leave that kingdom though
For the Church was calling to me
And never again have I eaten so well
As I did with my cannibal, Lee.

          --E. Allan Poi, Songs of Old New England
            (Boston: Fannie Farmer Press, 1854)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 06:48 PM

That's another sneaky advantage of Figments. If someone catches them in a compromising photo you can just say it was someone else, not your brainchild, and n-one has any room to contradict you.

The Boy On the Fo'c's'le Head


It was many and many a year ago
In a kingdom by the sea
That I danced the dance of the handkerchiefs
And drank wine from the resin tree;
Where I learned to breathe on the ocean's floor
And to measure the ocean's miles
And today, I would cast off all that past,
For just one of her rocket smiles.

Oh the soul may recall, and the soul may yearn
And like ancient tomes, grow dead;
But the soul that is wise seeks the bright, bright eyes
And the song of   day ahead.
For the places I was are not there today;
They are gone in the river-whirl --
But the heartsong that sings to the future's hymns
Is the song of a lighthouse girl.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 02:02 PM

Amos, despite the promise to the contrary, that last bit wasn't really short.

You should see the birds out my back window this afternoon--there's one goofy bird that sits on the feeder and knocks out as much food as possible, then lands on the ground to eat it. He'd get more for himself if he just ate at the feeder. I think we're looking at an altruistic finch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 12:48 PM

That's not Chongo. It's some much younger chimp, clearly one who doesn't know how to handle guns.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 12:36 PM

If Chongo holds his pistol in that manner one or all of several things are gonna happen:

1. He's gonna miss the target because he's canting the pistol at about 45 degrees.

2. He's gonna get his right thumb pinched between the slide and the frame and he's gonna lose a BIG slice of flesh. This could very well cause the slide to malfunction as well.

3. The ejected cartridge case is gonna give him one helluva burn when it lands on his right arm.

4. The ejected cartridge case is gonna cause a stovepipe jam or worse.

5. Given the apparent condition of the pistol, it will either fail to work at all or blow up in his hands and he'll be playing the piano with hooks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 12:22 PM

Chongo considers his response to Amos' song


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 12:18 PM

COme you ladies and you gentlemen, and listen to my ditty
I'll try to keep it sort cuz you're gonna think its shitty
It's about imaginary folks who never come to harm
All raised in the country
Down on Figment Farm

And it's hard to kill the folks who come
From down on Figment Farm!

It doesn't really matter if its knives or IEDs
You can blow 'em up or slice them in the first or third degrees
You can hang them, you can burn 'em.
But their characters are charmed.
Oh its hard to kill the critturs from
Down on Figment Farm.

Yes, it's hard to kill the folks who come
From down on Figment Farm!

Now Shane the Canadian he is a perfect bum,
And more deserving of his death, they simply do not come.
A lecher and a boozer and a slimy ne'er-do-well
If anyone could bump him off, he'd surely end in hell.

But it's hard to kill the folks who come
From down on Figment Farm!

And Chongo is another one, a mythic chimpanzee
If he were real he would be dead, from lead or from V.D.
But as it is no anger ever seems to bring him harm
'Cuz Chongo is a bastard born down on the Figment Farm.

And it's hard to kill the folks who come
From down on Figment Farm!

Now Chongo's little sister he devoutly does ignore,
And Chinga got so desperate that she soon became a whore
And now she runs three houses full of ladies soft and warm,
There's just no way to stop a girl who comes from Figment Farm.

And it's hard to kill the folks who come
From down on Figment Farm!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 11:52 AM

I think Penelope more or less turns a blind eye to Winston's "whoring around", as you put it...mainly because she doesn't really give a damn what Winston does anymore as long as he remains fairly discreet about it. Penelope has her own concerns, concentrates on those instead, and regards Winston as a "right tosser" (although those aren't the words she would use...the kitche help would use those words), and she can't be bothered keeping track of his philandering.

They fairly much live separate lives...although technically they are living under the same roof. It's a very large roof. Occasionally they have dinner together, discuss important practical matters such as financial decisions and what the hell to do about their niece Veronica, quarrel a bit, drop a few sarcastic remarks, and then go on their separate ways. It's a classic upper class marriage.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 11:15 AM

No words needs mincin'
Concerning WInston,
His fate will be rendered
By his being de-gendered!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 01:45 AM

Lagging behind in the BS quotient lately--sorry. Too much higher ed material on my desktop. But this will lead to a really high quality of BS for the child in question, so I'll keep slogging forward.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 10:39 PM

Well, if I were he I wouldn't go whoring around like he has been. Ol' Penelope's gonna ungender HIM if he keeps it up, and probably feed it to him for a very small snack.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 07:58 PM

Rapaire, I can answer those questions quite easily.

There were no such "first husbands". No, it isn't true. And no, he isn't cringing in fear. Very little frightens Winston. He's under the impression that he is invulnerable.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 06:59 PM

Hard when so many are no longer. But we are few and we will return. Will find succulent DNA mix and reproduce.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 06:35 PM

But what of the transgendered Penelope (nee Percival) Rutledge? And what of "her" first husbands, the late Reginald and Ronald Kray? Is it true that Ron and Reg were the source of her fortune and that her current husband lives cringing in fear because of this?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 05:47 PM

Aw, heck....if I can forgive you for your decidely peculiar taste in leisure attire, Amos...and I can...I can certainly forgive you for posting an inaccurate story or two about Chongo and/or Shane. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 04:43 PM

I am sure, M. 'Ack, that you are far more imtimately familiar with the bizarre and screwball adventures of these people than I am, so I will accept your versions of the story.

I trust you will find it in yourself to forgive me for being taken in by fictions about these venerable characters of yours. It is not easy to sort out the reliable from the unreliable in matters of news stories from Figment Farm.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 04:14 PM

Your story about Shane is pretty accurate, Amos, you're only off on the timeline. That incident happened a couple of years ago in Toronto when Shane was down there on a short "pleasure" trip. He made the mistake of harassing Miss Ling, who is a Black Belt at the dojo I used to attend in the late 70s. She looks far younger than she is, and she has no patience with idiots like Shane. She gave him a warning. He didn't listen. She then planted her foot so deep in his crotch that it took him about 3 weeks recuperating before he could do much of anything pleasurable. The yell of agony he uttered was heard in Mississauga.

Shane has an unfortunate tendency to yearn for very strong and determined women, women who are completely unlikely to return his prurient interest in them. Examples: Officer Jennifer Dana. Miss Violet Ling. Madonna.

He has yet to meet Madonna, and that's probably a good thing.

Officer Dana, however, does seem to have some kind of protective instinct when it comes to Shane. Sort of like someone rescuing a lost puppy. Accordingly, there is some shred of justification for his fixation on her, and some vague chance that it might be worth pursuing. As far as Miss Ling and Madonna go? Forget it.

*****

Chongo, however, is probably sitting at his desk in Chicago as I type this and looking at his bills for January. Or maybe he's at Duffy's Bar. Or maybe visting Renata. You guys are way off the beam when it comes to Chongo. He's never even been to Afghanistan or Southeast Asia. You have been duped by the spread of false information...or you are yourselves the authors of it. I don't know which.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 03:25 PM

It's kinda sweet how the Bookmaster of Things unreal cares for the figments who dance in and out of his fevered world from time to time.

Chongo was last heard from hiding out in the green valleys of the upper Mekong, passing himself off as a pet orangoutang. As long as he keeps his paws of the female elephant, his cover is not likely to be, er, blown, so he can take his time heealing up.

Shame has been on a bender of late because he needed to drown his sorrows after making an ill-considered pass at a barrel-shaped thirty-something lass who runs the local martial arts academy. He tried speaking her language in order to get lucky with her.

"Kam-up-sumidaa!" says Shame, bowing sardonically with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a bottle of beer in his hand.

"Keyyhyii-aaaaAA!!" replies the maiden, and plants her right foot squarely between his balls at high velocity.

So he hasn't been heard of for a while; when he's not drinking he's hiding out in sheer embarrassment.

Little Hawk was there and saw it all. He'll vouch for my story..


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 12:21 PM

A beautiful ditty, mon vieux, but is it properly a rondel? I think not. So, when do we get to see pictures of the medieval knife you bought?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 12:14 PM

Have you heard from Chongo? How's he doing now that he's had his balls shot off?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 11:43 AM

Shame IS a dope...and a bad deal. Is he back yet?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 11:23 AM

Shane can't afford the bus fare either. It's tragic! He and Louie may never get the chance to meet and do a dope deal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 10 - 11:16 AM

Just to prove something to you! A friend of mine found this (I'd been looking for it for a bit) and sent it. I'm not gonna bother with accents grave et acute, because you should be able to figure it out. Neener, neener, you're a weiner!

Le temps a laissie son manteau
De ven, de froidure et du pluye
Et s'est vestu de brouderye,
De soleil raiant, cler et beau.
Il n'y a beste ne oiseau
Qui en son jargon ne change our crye;
Le temps a laissie son manteau.

Riviere, fontaine et ruisseau
Portent en livree jolye
Goultes d'argent d'orfaverie;
Chascun s'abile de nouveau,
Le temps a laissie son manteau.


This was written by Charles, D'Orleans (1391-1455) so you don't have to stretch your mind looking it up or accuse me of plagarism or something.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 11:30 PM

Well, Rapaire, I confess to extrapolating from loosely coupled premises. Please share the French poem, an you have it.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 11:24 PM

'Sokay, Little Hawk. "Louis" is actually Louie's given name, but only his mother calls him that. He puts up with it from her because she shares her oxycontin prescriptions with him. For anybody else, it's an invitation to an ass-whippin', but you don't need to worry about it too much. Louie might fantasize about comin' gunnin' for ya, but he thinks Canada is part of Australia and he can't afford the airfare.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 10:10 PM

Amos, why do you leap to conclusions? The rondel (or roundel, if you prefer) I received is a very nice poem written in Middle French. I was going to share it with you -- it's quite well done -- but now I'm not gonna do it. Instead, I'll send you this to sate your incomprehensible belief that I am for some reason "into" weapons.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 06:19 PM

Darn! I said Louis again when I meant to say Louie!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 06:18 PM

Mud-Ugly should be stopped. If he succeeds, Shane will lose the chance to get to know Louis Frint and have a real friend with whom he can share many common ideas and do valuable cultural exchange (he could trade dope for moonshine, for example...).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 06:15 PM

Louis Frint probably has some of these in the front yard, right?

crudely painted not so funny cutout plywood folk art


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 06:08 PM

Mud-Ugly should be getting there about now if he got good rides. He gets along well with certain truckers -- not the best ones, however.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 05:22 PM

No, Stilly, Louie Frint is not the guy who "rescued" his dogs from my yard. That guy's name was Zeke something-or-other. I forget his last name. I think he lives back in the woods about a mile away. There's a driveway and a mailbox, but you can't see a house. His place is probably a shit hole, but at least he has the courtesy to keep his slovenliness out of sight. Louie Frint, on the other hand, suffers from the affliction which causes rednecks to situate their trailers as close to the road as the law allows so everyone who drives by can bear witness to their trailer trash lifestyles.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 04:53 PM



Authorities are looking for an older person suspected of robbing six banks in the area.

The man, dubbed the "Geezer Bandit" by law enforcement, is believed to have robbed a branch of San Diego National Bank located at 1075 Rosecrans in San Diego on Wednesday afternoon, according to the FBI.

Police say the man is white, 60 to 70 years old, about 190 pounds and about 6 feet tall. He was seen wearing a white sweatshirt with hoodie, white baseball cap, blue jeans and white tennis shoes.

The Geezer Bandit also is a suspect in five other bank robberies, including a US Bank in Carmel Valley and a Bank of America in Rancho Santa Fe, according to the FBI.

Rewards for his capture and conviction total $16,000.


The fraudulent IP address used in Rapaire's announcement about his rondel has been cracked, and the actual trace followed back to a shabby Motel Six in the Rosecrans Avenue area of San Diego, according to Detective Howija Figuero of the Los Angeles Police, a specialist in the fraudulent use of computers seconded to the San Diego Police in connection with the Geezer Bandit Case. Flatfeet are staking the joint out even as I write, in the hopes of cracking the case.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 03:34 PM

Here, MOM, you can hold the cat. He's feeling much better and his blood work is good. Listen to him start to purr!

Oops, I should have told you not to squeeze him. With that new food his flora is still a little upset. I'll open a window and that stink will clear out in a couple of minutes. Honest.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 03:04 PM

A rondel proud for Rapparee!
What joy there is upon it!
But is it a medieval knife?
Or a delicate French sonnet?
We know the man has depths unplumbed
And passions deep, unstayed.
But if I were to make a bet
I'd bet upon the blade.


# A rondel dagger or roundel dagger was a type of stiff-bladed dagger in Europe in the late Middle Ages (from the 14th century onwards), used by a ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rondel_(dagger)

# A rondel is a verse form originating in French lyrical poetry, later used in the verse of other languages as well, such as English and Romanian. It is a variation of the rondeau consisting of two quatrains followed by a quintet (13 lines total) or a sestet (14 lines total). ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rondel_(poem)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 01:16 PM

MOM! MOM! My rondel come!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 12:02 PM

It was just past dawn in a blizzard, son,
When we rounded Gandy Head.
We'd lost one thumb, six packs and food,
And four of the dogs were dead.
There was none who'd dodged the frostbite,
And none who cared to stay
Around the hard and frozen ground
Sixty short of the next of Kay.

We doubled them up on the one good sled
Fer t'other been lost in a split
One man had a leg been broken off
As he leapt away from it.
And Stilly, half-blind from the tearing snows
Broke trail in her dog-cart gay.
And the rest of limped and shuffled behind
Doomed to drive to the next of Kay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 11:55 AM

BS = Beyond Sunset......sorta like Over the Rainbow, but with better food. And less bluebirds.

My God...I just realized I have been posting to the wrong thread all these years!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 11:44 AM

Aw, shucks. Me and Hawkster agree on sump'n!! I second the "Thanks James Cameron".


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 11:15 AM

Just saw Avatar last night. What a great movie! I think my faith in modern movies has been restored. Thanks, James Cameron!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 10:00 AM

BS = Beyond Sunset......sorta like Over the Rainbow, but with better food. And less bluebirds.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 11:17 PM

Let us not let Mom stall in her flight, but seek steady upward flight, ever higher, ever truer, ever BS.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 05:08 PM

I betcha Mud-Ugly finds the right place. He's good at wandering around until he does.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 04:15 PM

Pense-cola is just up the river from New Orleans and was named from the Cajun word "Pensez-cola" which means "bubble head" or "fuzzy thinking". It's about 100 miles west and north of Pensacola, the Florida city where the Navy air boys fly out of.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 03:27 PM

Mud-Ugly M'Goon is going to Florida in a few days for his annual bath (you only think it's an oil slick). He hasn't killed anyone in over a week and then it was a accident, because the guy should have known Mud-Ugly was loaded. He's staying at a Motel 6 in Pensecola, where he used to help train naval aviators by throwing their planes into the air.

I'm certain he'll be happy to help. (If he's not at Motel 6 try some of the less posh hostelries.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 02:56 PM

Oops. I meant "Louie" Frint. He sounds like one hell of a guy. He should move to Blind River ASAP.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 02:35 PM

Holy shit! We have found an ideal friend for Shane. Where does this Louis Frint character live? Does he ever get up to Canada?

Bee-Dub:

P-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-T-T-T-T-P-L-T!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (back at'cha)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 02:25 PM

Just slip his coordinates to the freds, BWL. He'll be a grease stain in the sands of time in short order.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 02:21 PM

Is he the guy who came into the yard several years ago after his two dogs? That was the funniest story I've read anywhere in a long time. I kinda hate to lose someone who has such potential for generating hilarity through obtuse behavior.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 02:17 PM

By the way, Little Hawk, you sure do make a lot of noise for a dead guy.


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