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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 31 Mar 10 - 10:03 PM
Rapparee 31 Mar 10 - 09:33 PM
Rapparee 31 Mar 10 - 08:23 PM
Amos 31 Mar 10 - 08:09 PM
Eiseley 31 Mar 10 - 06:48 PM
Rapparee 31 Mar 10 - 06:48 PM
Amos 31 Mar 10 - 02:00 PM
Amos 31 Mar 10 - 11:42 AM
Rapparee 31 Mar 10 - 12:28 AM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 11:23 PM
Acme 30 Mar 10 - 11:21 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 10 - 09:24 PM
Eiseley 30 Mar 10 - 08:29 PM
Acme 30 Mar 10 - 05:21 PM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 02:44 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 10 - 01:54 PM
GUEST,Eiseley 30 Mar 10 - 12:59 PM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 12:31 PM
GUEST,Eiseley 30 Mar 10 - 12:28 PM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 10:54 AM
Acme 30 Mar 10 - 10:22 AM
Acme 30 Mar 10 - 10:21 AM
Rapparee 30 Mar 10 - 09:45 AM
MMario 30 Mar 10 - 08:46 AM
Rapparee 30 Mar 10 - 08:42 AM
Little Hawk 30 Mar 10 - 01:36 AM
Janie 30 Mar 10 - 01:13 AM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 01:02 AM
Little Hawk 30 Mar 10 - 12:59 AM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 12:41 AM
Janie 30 Mar 10 - 12:36 AM
Little Hawk 29 Mar 10 - 11:36 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 11:14 PM
Janie 29 Mar 10 - 11:07 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 11:03 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 10:21 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 08:21 PM
Acme 29 Mar 10 - 07:10 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 07:09 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 06:32 PM
Eiseley 29 Mar 10 - 05:32 PM
Acme 29 Mar 10 - 05:00 PM
Little Hawk 29 Mar 10 - 04:36 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 04:19 PM
Eiseley 29 Mar 10 - 04:06 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 02:21 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 11:11 AM
Eiseley 29 Mar 10 - 10:46 AM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 01:23 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 10:03 PM

I was named after the former, sir. There is no German shepherd by that name. I have checked.

BTW you must give Eiseley a raise. She is obviously doing an extremely excellent job. And expanded her skills and learning. And is a lady of fine sensitivity and discrimination of refined literary tastes, just the sort you want to keep happy.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 09:33 PM

This is opposed to St. Amos of Socal, who, while a shepherd (German) has an iron bar for a head and who wants to turn a profit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 08:23 PM

Well, remember that this IS a BS thread....

BUT!! Research shows that TODAY, March 31, is the Feast Day of (tada!):

St. Amos of Tekoa (Israelite, shepherd who trimmed sycamores, Old Testament prophet, martyred [iron bar transfixed temples] in 8th century B.C.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 08:09 PM

My god, Eiseley!! I am blushing....and that is most rare.

Thanks for the kind paean!! (I have been P'd off many a time, but this is my first paean!!)

Whhooooooooooooosh!! So much fine truth in one single post. I LUB it!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 06:48 PM

For I will consider my friend Amos.
For he acknowledges the accomplishments of others.
For he appreciates galactic things.
For he appreciates microscopic things.
For he both finds and appreciates clever rhymes.
For he can dish it out and take it.
For he composes poetry upon a whim.
For he basks in the glory of so doing.
For he delights in those he has met in person and also in those he has only met virtually.
For he enjoys shootin' the breeze, chewin' the fat, throwin' the bull.
For he gives attribution to poetry.
For he goes on shopping expeditions to foreign countries in search of garish paintings.
For he has great patience.
For he has verily given welcome unto the newest.
For it is possible that he has written more poems in praise of numbers than any other person.
For he is one who has helped lift Mother when she has slipped and fallen.
For he is an excellent foil for the Man of Booques.
For he is content with the person he is.
For he is a cunning linguist, as Stilly hath earlier written.
For he is a musician and his daughter is a musician as well.
For he is a proud father.
For he knows how to write.
For he knows how to read.
For he knows many songs.
For he knows the meaning of big words.
For he loves to live.
For he loves to laugh.
For he loves to make others laugh.
For much of his language does not make Mother blush to read it.
For he once kidnaped Rapaire.
For he publishes posts about amazing scientific discoveries with excitement.
For he rejoices at others' success.
For he shares his thoughts freely.
For he shows gratitude.
For he spends many hours in the day in the vicinity of a computer.
For he tries not to think about William Shatner.
For he wields sharp foils, epees, and sabers of words when appropriate.
For he can think.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 06:48 PM

My wha are wha?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 02:00 PM

Lackaday, ah me, a woe!
Mom again is sinking low!
Oh no! What can a body do,
When such an awful thing comes true?
We wring our hands, we weep and frown,
But Mom just keeps on sinking down!
Our weeping leads to fits of coughing!
Catastrophe is in the offing.
Oh where's the man can do the thinking,
And act to keep our Mom from sinking!
Rapaire is busy somewhere drinking
And Hawkster stands in raptured blinking!
Oh send us please some famous hero
To save our Mom and raise her near. Oh,
Send us someone bold and brave,
Our precious, precious Mom to save!
And in a burst of celestial light,
The hero came! He fought the fight!
He did the deed! Hedrank the cup!
He raised our Mother promptly up!
Oh, praise, oh praise this sterling soul
Who brought our Mother back up whole!
Oh, who, oh who, this hero famous?
Oh, never mind. It's only Amos.

Garrison Whittaker Keelhaul IV
Idylls in the Stream
WUnnerful, Wunnerful, pubs.
New York, 1899


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 11:42 AM

I think Rapaire pegged it. Or was pegged by it. In any case at least his speech centers appear intact...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 12:28 AM

Don't use nylon! Have some guts!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 11:23 PM

Well, just string 'em along, an don't get scared off by their dire overtones. Offer them a fifth.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 11:21 PM

My neighbors might remark on my harping on the problem, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 09:24 PM

Run some more webbing, but of different lengths. Create the biggest Aeolian harp in your part of Texas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 08:29 PM

So you've traded the awful ground sound in the ground for a droning ground sound in the air. Methinks it's a bagpiper conspiracy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 05:21 PM

There is a one-note song playing in my back yard this afternoon. The AT&T guys pulled a length of 1/2" nylon webbing through the right-of-way above the back yard where the power and cable utilities already run. Later this week they'll pull copper wire through, attached to that cord/chord. I guess they got so many complaints about the terrible noise on the buried lines that they're finally fixing it. Meanwhile, that tune has some percussion with the gusts but plays only one note. A low hum of the nylon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 02:44 PM

Freds and haggis
Freds and haggis
Good for you no matter what your baggis!
Here at home with Mother
You'll find these gems among the others!

Freds and Gluon
Freds and Gluon
It's an institution that you can't poo-poo on!
If you try to hide 'em
Mom has plenty more beside 'em!

Try, try try to minimize them
It's an illusion
Try, try try and you'll arrive
At this conclusion:

Freds and haggis
Freds and haggis
Thick with humor bad enough to gag us!
THis was proved by Mother:
If you don't like one
You don't get "none"
You just end up stuck with the ooooother!!

Frank Somewhatra
Vegas, 1981


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:54 PM

It's also the title of a Dana Stabenow novel.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:59 PM

The Outsiders, by S. E. Hinton


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:31 PM

Pray tell, madam!! I am stumped and flummoxed.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:28 PM

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

In what other book, besides a collection of Robert Frost's poems, does this poem play a prominent part?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:54 AM

It's hard to dig a dude whose bag is
Making fantasy of haggis.

Good grab, there, Still!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:22 AM

34900 might scare the vampires away. Or the haggis. Or the faint of heart for reading long long long long long threads.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:21 AM

Oh, god, but that's frightening. And these idiots in the U.S. are so busy scaring themselves with made-up vampire stories. I don't suppose they'd listen if anyone tried to cry out a warning.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 09:45 AM

A variant, Haggisis Albertaensis Morse has been confirmed in the hills around Lethbridge. The US Fish and Wildlife Service has issued a "use a flamethrower" order to anyone seeing one on this side of the border, but there is great, great fear that this invasive animal cannot be stopped.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 08:46 AM

Nothing strikes fear into the heart so much as the eerie call of the hunting haggis! It echoes through the night, bouncing off the hillsides; shattering peace; pounding dread into the very veins of those who hear it.

There is said to be a mute haggis that has become naturalized in the Canadian Maritime....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 08:42 AM

LH, you're confused. The haggis prowls the Scot countryside looking for those it can devour. Vicious almost beyond belief, its envenomed fangs fill its entire mouth, and it attacks by climbing up inside the legs of pants, nibbling as it spirals its way up.

This is the real reason the Scots wear kilts: so that a haggis attack can be seen and stopped before it gets too far along. Remember the old Scots' saying: There's nae a thing like a haggis in yer breeks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:36 AM

A haggis what you get after a sweet young maiden foolishly hangs around with "the wrong sort" of men during her youthful years, develops numerous hideous vices, loses her looks, and finally turns into an embittered old harridan who spies on her neighbours and spreads malicious gossip. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:13 AM

Mom,

What is haggis?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:02 AM

Oh, you canuck mongrel!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:59 AM

Anyone who would listen to the Blues for more than 45 minutes at a stretch has a tin ear. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:41 AM

Anyone who would haggis on Tweed has no respect for the blues.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:36 AM

that would feet Rapaire - not tails - leastways, not east of the Mississippi and south of the Mason-Dixon line.

And certainly not during Holy Week, regardless of one's geographic location.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:36 PM

Haggis on Tweed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:14 PM

Have a good time with that, Janie. Have some pickled pigs' tails too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:07 PM

Pickled Eggs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:03 PM

Ah, it was not you who had the dirty mind then, merely a bad case of literary kleptomania?


I had a friend, upon a time, and a mighty friend was he.
His tongue went loop-de-loop-de-loop, and his blade went "Snicker! Snee!".
His fingers typed words of delight
Dancing like light gone mad,
But he disappeared quite late, one night,
And the story turned out bad.

It seems his door was knocked upon,
When most folks were in bed,
By two large gents in wrinkled suits
And large, and wrinkled, heads.
They said he had been singled out,
That someone Big was pissed,
Berated him as a useless lout,
And a goddamned plagiarist.

They listed tomes and poems and works
He'd borrowed for a while,
And touted up and frilled out
In inimitable style.
The said he'd never paid a dime
To those whose works he'd borrow,
And all of this was coming back,
To visit him with sorrow.

They told him he was going away,
Into the darkling deeps
Where bad men worry through the day,
And fret too much to sleep.
Where hard men break, and life is hard,
And you scramble for what you get,
And there's no such thing as e-mail,
OR a high-speed Internet.

My friend, he blanched, he paled, he flinched,
He knew that he'd done wrong,
He knew that even then his screen
Held a half-baked stolen song.
He realized then -- too late, too late --
He should have listened, way back when,
To his dear Mom; too late, too late,
He was heard from ne'er again.

And so I come to this Cafe,
To write, and to forget,
But something still recalls to me
This friend I think on yet.
I never learned if he had ever
re-crossed that chilling schism
That split him from the world he loved,
On account of plagiarism.

So good folks all, pray heed this call,
Think of this man, cast doon,
And make your good works all your own,
From your own hand, alone.
Steal not the works of other men,
Or lines of other poets;
For if you do, they'll come for you,
And everyone will know it.

Seamus Sanmerci O'Toole
Lilting the Right -- Poems from the Lexington Express
Dublin Upp Press, New York, 1937
All rights reserved except for Bearded Bruce


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM

The reference, good villein, is to Frederick C. Crews, The Pooh Perplex: A Freshman Casebook (New York: E. P. Dutton, 1963). I refer specifically to "Poisoned Paraise: the Underside of Pooh" by Myron Masterson (p. 41ff).

I also refer you to Karl Anschauung's "A. A. Milne's Honey-Balloon-Pit-Gun-Tail-Bathtubcomplex" in the same work (p.125ff).

Are you now satisfied? One would think that any man or woman of letters would have caught the reference as quickly as one to, say, Hamlet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:21 PM

Well, see, if youmerely relaying the view of an author, you should in all conscience name the book and author you are reciting. Otherwise you are merely plagiarizing. You remember that ballad, surely? Do I need to repost it?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 08:21 PM

Not I, good sirrah, but a book entitled "The Pooh Perplex".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 07:10 PM

I have so many great photos of my kids naked, in the bath, and running around in the back yard through the sprinkler and through the wading pool that had a colorful PVC shower that stood next to it. I grieve at the mistaken American mindset that perceives photos of naked children at play to be pornographic.

The only naked babes in sight these days are 25 and pumped full of silicone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 07:09 PM

You must have a very dirty mind, indeed, Sir Booque.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 06:32 PM

I find A.A. Milne borders on the pornographic:

God bless Mommy -- I know that's right.
Wasn't it fun in the bath tonight?

I really don't know how that get published, especially in a children's book!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 05:32 PM

One of my favorite rhymes is from an A. A. Milne poem:

What does she have in that little brown fist of hers?
Somebody's thumb, and it feels like Christopher's.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 05:00 PM

Well done! "Behest" and "BS."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 04:36 PM

Ain't it the truth! As Bob Seger said, "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then..."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 04:19 PM

AH, sweetly rejoined, and wisely Eiseley!

I fear the day of defection comes to every parent, when the young vessel of truth bursts into full-armed Subtle Layer and Nuance Detection, and is never the same innocent mind again. A lost treasure, forsooth, but a loss every parent must face manfully (or womanfully, as the case may be, or both). No matter the skill and humor with which they juggle the complexities of multi-faceted self contradictory existence, it is never the same as that clear-eyed innocent gaze before the scales fall from their eyes and the rose-hued glasses fall and shatter in the crunch heard 'round the universe.




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 04:06 PM

How doth the bright Sir Amos man
Instruct us on BS,
And give us lines that rhyme and scan
To send a wise behest!

That we protect our innocents
From perils swift and sure?
The lure may smell like frankincense
But'll rot them to the core!

I'll make my teenage Benjamin
Improve himself instead
Of leaning near to MOM again.
I'll send him right to bed.

For he's too young for Intercourse
(Even Intercourse, PA),
And surely from addictions worse
Like MOABing all day.

So, thank you, Amos! I'll protect
My sons from MOAB's jaws
Until the day that they defect
And join the BS cause!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 02:21 PM

Speak firmly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes.
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.
Deflect his angst and questions deep,
With shallow, deft aplomb.
And never, never, ever tell
Your boy about Our Mom.
For if he hears one little part,
He'll soon ask for another
And soon he'll spend his every hour
Discovering Our Mother!
His grades will fail, his health will pale,
His glow will fade away
He'll stay up secretly all night,
To reach the next of Kay!
Oh, save your son! Do not allow
This madness to infect him!
For if you once do bend his mind,
You never will correct him!
For Mom is deep and strong and wide
And her currents none can master
And once you drift to the BS side,
The stream runs ever faster!
There is no cure or dam or gate
Can slow that furious torrent!
And you will stand to weep and wait
As he rides that stream abhorrent.
And this will lead to graver sins!
Sins too dark to confess!
Oh spare your child, and teach him not
The path to pure BS!!

Black Bart Walleye Shimmerson
PO-8


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:11 AM

It is usually best not to mention Mom to the young, lest they be led astray or something.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:46 AM

My oldest son came home from parts East and brought us all presents. Mine was a t-shirt. I'm sure when Ben bought it he intended it as a message from him to me, but when I wear it, it means something different. The shirt says: "I LOVE MOM." How kind! I've never even mentioned MOAB to him! Well, I'll wear it with pride. I might even let Ben borrow my enormous pencil!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 01:23 AM

Sometimes an enormous pencil is just an enormous pencil, Rapaire....


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