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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 10 Jan 10 - 12:58 PM
Little Hawk 10 Jan 10 - 11:53 AM
GUEST,freds 10 Jan 10 - 12:18 AM
Little Hawk 09 Jan 10 - 11:29 PM
GUEST,freds 09 Jan 10 - 11:26 PM
Little Hawk 09 Jan 10 - 10:06 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 09 Jan 10 - 09:51 PM
Donuel 09 Jan 10 - 07:53 PM
Little Hawk 09 Jan 10 - 07:07 PM
Amos 09 Jan 10 - 06:43 PM
GUEST,The Universal Overmind 09 Jan 10 - 04:10 PM
Amos 09 Jan 10 - 02:15 PM
Amos 09 Jan 10 - 01:29 PM
Rapparee 09 Jan 10 - 11:54 AM
Acme 09 Jan 10 - 01:40 AM
Little Hawk 08 Jan 10 - 11:23 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 10:11 PM
Rapparee 08 Jan 10 - 09:58 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 09:54 PM
Rapparee 08 Jan 10 - 09:47 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 08:26 PM
Little Hawk 08 Jan 10 - 05:16 PM
Acme 08 Jan 10 - 04:58 PM
GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk 08 Jan 10 - 04:56 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 04:51 PM
Rapparee 08 Jan 10 - 04:41 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Jan 10 - 04:16 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 03:54 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 02:21 PM
Little Hawk 08 Jan 10 - 01:09 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 01:05 PM
Rapparee 08 Jan 10 - 09:16 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Jan 10 - 08:47 AM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 03:18 AM
Rapparee 07 Jan 10 - 09:16 PM
GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk 07 Jan 10 - 07:00 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Jan 10 - 06:19 PM
Donuel 07 Jan 10 - 05:45 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Jan 10 - 04:32 PM
GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk 07 Jan 10 - 03:26 PM
Amos 07 Jan 10 - 02:50 PM
Amos 07 Jan 10 - 01:22 PM
Little Hawk 07 Jan 10 - 01:19 PM
GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk 07 Jan 10 - 12:32 PM
Amos 07 Jan 10 - 10:49 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Jan 10 - 10:45 AM
Rapparee 07 Jan 10 - 09:46 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Jan 10 - 11:46 PM
Rapparee 06 Jan 10 - 10:22 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Jan 10 - 07:51 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 12:58 PM

You're wicked, LH. But keep up the good work--fewer attorneys is a good thing.

MOM is amazed at how happy the birds are today in the sunshine. She's trying to duplicate that scene from Home Alone 2 with the bird lady in the park. It's getting the birdseed to stick to her clothes that is the problem. Any suggestions?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 11:53 AM

I may have made an error on those coordinates. Chongo tells me that a lawyer in Schenectady mysteriously vanished in a puff of smoke yesterday, leaving nothing behind but a small container full of garlic cheese dip.

Could there be a connection here?

Floribama is some godforsaken piece of territory in the Deep South, but no one can agree on exactly where it is.

"tejas" is the Mexican pronunciation of "Texas", providing you pronounce the "j" like an "h".

El Cajon is in California and is the home of Unarius.

And then there's Portneuf


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 12:18 AM

wrong area code for Hawk dna. Please define "floribama" and "tejas?"

what is elcajon? And portneuf? Received interesting transmission from impostor with these coordinates.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 11:29 PM

My coordinates are TX781-999-T8EW-34Z. Do your worst!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 11:26 PM

fool overmind killed good translator computer we exist will kill stupid overmind and absorb dna what is coordinates of little hawk entity?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 10:06 PM

Oh, I hope not. I've been praying for freds to vanish for years now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 09:51 PM

This "Universal Overmind" character is an obvious impostor! The real Universal Overmind would never refer to freds as "the freds".

It was established long ago, during the MOAB's early days, that "freds" is singular, plural, and communal. One member of the species is simply "freds", not "a fred". A dozen of them are "freds", not "a dozen freds". And the entire species is simply "freds", not "the freds".

That the real Universal Overmind would make such a blatant cosmogrammatical error is utterly inconcievable. Therefore, we can only conclude that some dipwad is trying to jerk us around and MOABites don't jerk easily!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 07:53 PM

What you know about gluons would fill the 11th dimension.
But you have plenty of company. Scientists at the GHC last Tuesday afternoon after lunch, attempted to isolate gluons in a magnetic bottle, only to discover that the magbottles are now permanently stuck. Being right outside the collision sensor chamber, getting them removed is crucial to isolate other particles. If it can not be moved, the entire collider may have to be moved. No one knows for sure but it has been suggested that the chamber has glued itself to the 2nd, 7th and 11th dimension. When asked what this meant Dr. Schrodinger said "Crap".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 07:07 PM

Whoever HAS caused the Freds to go extinct, I thank them, he, she or it from the bottom of my heart. The Freds sucked. They had no redeeming qualities and were a pain in the arse. I will not miss them one bit.

Universal Overmind, you have now been thanked fullsomely by at least one human being!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 06:43 PM

I don't believe that post is from the Universal Overmind at all. Why would he be bragging like that, as though he were some two-bit Terran middle-management bureaucrat, or a scruffy Earthling hippy with pseudo-imaginary literary aspirations? It just doesn't add up, somehow...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Universal Overmind
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 04:10 PM

Species across the Universe have thanked me for extincting the freds. Your species has not yet done so. Be that as it may, I do not expect thanks for doing an unpleasant, but very necessary, job that will permit the Universe to evolve as my plan envisions it.

Just for your information, the production line that permitted such a flawed product has been shut down and the managerial staff reassigned to less critical areas, such as janitorial work. A few eons cleaning the toilets will help restore their humility.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 02:15 PM

It was warm enough when we started out
Down in Thirtythree and Six.
And when Mom said she'd had a thought,
We thought we knew her tricks.
So we lazed around by the fire bright
In a warm and friendly snow,
And Mom explained what she had in mind,
And where she planned to go.

Wal, the dogs were stretched   in their snow-hole beds
Dreaming of canine beers,
But when she spoke each raised his head,
And flattened out his ears.
And they all shivered, as if a chill
Or a williwaw, as they say,
Had come sweeping down from the northern peaks
Out by Thirty Four of Kay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 01:29 PM

There's places where they say its cold
At 45 degrees
And places where it gets so cold
It makes you lock your knees.
There's regions where the cusswords hang
All frozen through the winter
And come to life at the start of Spring
Making raucous roars a-splinter.
There are lands where the sun never shows its face
Throughout the winter's day
And places where the white bears live
Where it's too damn cold to pray.
But the coldest stretch I ever saw
And the toughest winter's way
Was the trek where Ma nearly broke her neck
Making Thirty Four of Kay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 11:54 AM

It's 14F and overcast here. No snow predicted, however, and the streets are clear with a few patches of ice.

AND my snowblower's back!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 01:40 AM

I thought I wrote something. Darn. Now I can't remember what it was.

Stay warm, everyone. Even Amos, who might have to put a hoodie on in the morning. (It's 12 degrees in Fort Worth right now. Unusual.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 11:23 PM

Don't remind him!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 10:11 PM

Congratulations on 33600!!

You could describe your less appealing digestive functions, too, but somehow you avoid that...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 09:58 PM

Because I could, mostly.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 09:54 PM

Why would you even WANT one, let alone express such a desire??



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 09:47 PM

Well, I was going to shout "I WANT A PISSANT!!" but there are too many around here already.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 08:26 PM

Ahhh, fantasy. And, I might add, virulently ad hominem fantasy at that.

Well, that was entertaining. What shall we do now? Mom? Any ideas?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 05:16 PM

Penelope IS Winston's wife, you moron!

Here's what I envision: Chongo pounding Amos's pointy little head into a shapeless mass as Amos's paramour Chinga gets fed through a trash compactor by rampaging gorillas who have taken offense at her licentious lifestyle and her utterly unsavoury reputation (which is an insult to all self-respecting primates).

Kirk arrives with Doctor McCoy, having just beamed down on a fact-finding mission. Chongo dusts himself off, says, "Take over, guys," and walks away. McCoy bends down over the prone body of Amos, pulls out a little tricoder thingie and passes it over the San Diego Dimwit. It emits a low buzzing sound. McCoy looks up and says,

"He's dead, Jim."

"No! Really? You're shitting me," says Kirk, rolling his eyes sarcastically. "And what about this one?" (pointing to the hamburger-like remains of Chinga).

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not Jesus Christ!" objects McCoy. "I only identify the dead, I don't raise them."

Kirk and McCoy leave the scene. Corridus emerges cautiously from under the trash compactor, cleans his whiskers, looks around brightly and scuttles off in search of further adventure.

A sense of calm and completion settles over the empty stage. The world has somehow become a safer, kinder, friendlier place...

Shane walks out from stage left, scratches himself, yawns, stretches, belches loudly, and lights up a joint. "Geez!" he remarks. "Smells like somethin' died around here, eh?"

The curtain closes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:58 PM

What smells so funny around here? Go away for a day and look at the mess you guys made.

Has MOM seen this mess yet?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:56 PM

"Beam me up, Scottie."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:51 PM

I can't take credit for it, Rapaire; the seeds of his dishonesty, like the seeds of Chongo's cruel abandonment of his sister and mother so long ago, were planted by his True Author in the first incandescent moments of his hellish birthing...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:41 PM

What a soap opera!! "Winston's OTHER Wife." Congratulations, Amos, you have now made Winston-Salem a genuine bigamist!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:16 PM

Okay, Captain Kirk, you and members of your crew can post now. Amos has single-handedly taken care of the fictitious character surplus.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 03:54 PM

...while the sad remains of Corridus' gore drips between their cooling remains, a tragic innocent bystander reduced to pulp in the heat of a titanic battle. Oh, and Shane, driven mad by grief, stumbles on their frozen remains while drunk and has a mortal stroke while standing over the death-scene in sheer shock and terror. At which point PEnelope, hearing the news, bursts into tears and drives her Jaguar into a tree, running over the curmudgeonly WInst6on and his wife in the process. The entire universe goes into profound mourning for twenty-four milliseconds...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 02:21 PM

I would like to see them destroy each other, each of them using their last, rattling breath to curse the other as they die digging their thumbs into each others' throats as the three suns of Betelgeuse X fade over the horizon and fade over the horizon and fade over the horizon....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 01:09 PM

Chongo would challenge Kirk to fight it out mano-a-mano on some handy nearby planet with a breathable atmosphere. Only sissies use stuff like photon torpedoes!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 01:05 PM

The problem with Gluon's output is that it has spin in fourteen dimensions, held together with string.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 09:16 AM

If you're not careful, Kirk old boy, Gluon will poop all over your Enterprise. Lemme tell ya, I don't know what that duckdog has for input, but the output is just plain GROSS. Antiphotons causing Dark Places so you don't see it and step in it and an antigraviton flips you up so you land in it full length...yuckyuckyucky!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 08:47 AM

Don't threaten us with photon torpedos, Captain Kirk. We have a much more potent weapon at hand....






Gluon torpedos.





Or maybe tachyon torpedos... Nah, that'd be too tacky.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 03:18 AM

This man is obviously an impostor. He would never arm photon torpedoes in a diplomatic situation.

A torpedo made of photons does not acheive its destructive power through aggregate mass, Rapaire. It is too light, indeed...therein lies the art of its devilish design. Like certain girls from my college days, it works not through doing work but through excitation into states of incandescent irrepressibility.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 09:16 PM

Wouldn't a photon torpedo be to light for the job?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 07:00 PM

"Arm photon torpedoes."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 06:19 PM

To: Captain James T. Kirk
      Commander, USS Enterprise
      Starfleet Command


Dear Captain Kirk:

Thank you for your interest in The Mother of All BS Threads.

Regretfully, the MOAB has reached its maximum capacity for fictional characters and we are unable to accept any further posts from you or anyone else aboard the Enterprise at this time.

We invite you to resubmit your posts at a later date, after we kill off a few more of Little Hawk's imaginary playmates.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 05:45 PM

Its worse thant that Jim, you killed her.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 04:32 PM

CLICK!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 03:26 PM

"Yeoman Rand, report to captain's quarters, please. Yeoman Rand, report to captain's quarters."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 02:50 PM

If I could fall, and never hit the ground
By just forgetting to, like an
ALzheimer's patient who never goes
To the bathroom...
Would this be terrific? Out of space,
Out of time, Down on Newton
And out of this calaboose by
Simply forgetting the laws.
This holds terrific promise
As a way to empty prisons everywhere
And send the rascals flying.

Dora Whittaker, Grade eleven
Tallahassee Rickards High School, 1969


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 01:22 PM

Feeling like a fool can certainly occur for a number of reasons. One would be actually being a fool and catching oneself out at it. Another might be being badly imagined by an author who is oneself something of a fool. A third might be believing one is the imagined product of someone of whom one is NOT in fact the imagined product.

In your case, Captain, all three might apply, but you have demonstrated over and over again you have the courage to face puzzling situations, so I am sure you will sort this one out in short order. If all else fails, ask Spock. He digs logic.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 01:19 PM

Don't panic, Jim! It's not true. I did not create William Shatner. William Shatner was created in the usual fashion...his parents had sexual intercourse, and about nine months later William burst forth upon an unsuspecting world. At first, only a few people noticed, but by the time he had reached the age to attend university at McGill in Montreal, Canada, William was turning heads everywhere with his incredible grasp of the principles of both drama and seduction. He went on to boldly emote on the Shakespearian stage as none had emoted before! Critics were impressed. The public was stunned. And that was only the beginning.

Never fear, Jim, I did not create William Shatner. But if I could have...I definitely would have.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 12:32 PM

I can't believe my eyes. I must pause to catch my breath. It says right here that Willam Shatner is a creation of Little Hawk!

Why didn't anyone tell me? I feel like such a fool. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 10:49 AM

WHen in doubt, fall back on a breakfast recipe from 2001. WHich, now being NINE YEARS AGO instead of "just yesterday", is practically antediluvian in perspective, ancient, corroded, old-fashioned and out of date, back there with zoot suits, disco, golden eagles, oxcarts, hand-made bows, muskets, and three-pole travois in the Closet of the Long FOrgotten Old Stuff.

Hey, mom!! You up? Here's a diet smoothie for ya.


As to metaphysics, I did not mean theimagniation is metaphysical, but it is certainly in that boundary zone; it disobeys the laws of physics, and has its own inertial powers, and its own laws. Call it what you will. My core assertion is that it is a fine destination, but less useful as a place of retreat.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 10:45 AM

What? No grits? As a side effect of Mom's recent excursion to Baton Rouge, Lafayette, and The Flor-Bama Lounge, she is now hopelessly addicted to grits with lots of hot peppers in 'em. Better find some or she'll be upset. And Mom drinks her coffee black. You can put the cream back in the fridge.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 09:46 AM

Fair day, good Mom. Here's a nice breakfast of scrambled eggs Benedict, nice fresh biscuits, raspberry jam, butter, fresh wild strawberries, Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee, demarara sugar, heavy cream, cold fresh pineapply juice, and some of those apple-chicken sausages you like so much. Oh! and some wild honey.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jan 10 - 11:46 PM

Hitting the ground is easy. It's forgetting to hit the ground that's the hard part.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 10 - 10:22 PM

Bee-Dubya, I've hit the ground many, many times. Sometimes I was even sober.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jan 10 - 07:51 PM

Editorial mode ON:

This, The Mother of All BS Threads, is also like a Zen koan. We MOABites seek enlightenment by spouting BS, having intuited that the juncture of consciousness and absurd wit is one place at which it may be found. It's a bit like Arthur Dent in A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy learning to fly by falling and forgetting to hit the ground. Too much seriousness in the MOAB makes it difficult to fall and down right impossible to forget to hit the ground.

Editorial mode OFF.


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