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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 15 Nov 07 - 10:39 AM
Amos 15 Nov 07 - 10:34 AM
Donuel 15 Nov 07 - 10:25 AM
Amos 15 Nov 07 - 10:07 AM
Rapparee 15 Nov 07 - 09:14 AM
Amos 14 Nov 07 - 10:32 PM
Rapparee 14 Nov 07 - 08:51 PM
Acme 14 Nov 07 - 07:55 PM
Rapparee 14 Nov 07 - 07:36 PM
MMario 14 Nov 07 - 01:40 PM
Rapparee 14 Nov 07 - 01:38 PM
Amos 14 Nov 07 - 11:14 AM
Acme 14 Nov 07 - 10:25 AM
Amos 14 Nov 07 - 10:18 AM
MMario 14 Nov 07 - 09:47 AM
Rapparee 14 Nov 07 - 09:46 AM
Amos 14 Nov 07 - 09:39 AM
MMario 14 Nov 07 - 09:24 AM
Rapparee 14 Nov 07 - 09:22 AM
Amos 14 Nov 07 - 12:35 AM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 11:17 PM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 10:32 PM
Janie 13 Nov 07 - 09:52 PM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 09:03 PM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 05:56 PM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 05:38 PM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 05:11 PM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 04:31 PM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 03:32 PM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 01:53 PM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 01:35 PM
Acme 13 Nov 07 - 11:58 AM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 10:06 AM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 08:44 AM
Acme 12 Nov 07 - 11:10 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 11:00 PM
Janie 12 Nov 07 - 10:19 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 09:58 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 09:24 PM
Acme 12 Nov 07 - 05:55 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 05:00 PM
Amos 12 Nov 07 - 02:18 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 01:43 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 01:40 PM
Amos 12 Nov 07 - 12:26 PM
Little Hawk 12 Nov 07 - 11:24 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 10:49 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 10:46 AM
Acme 12 Nov 07 - 10:34 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 07:34 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 10:39 AM

ANd I can only assume that e-spersions, which you complain of being cast at you, are a kind of insult transmitted electronically?

"Did you tell Mitch you were annoyed he hadn't included you on his e-vite for the party?"

"No, to hell with him. I sent him an e-spersion."


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 10:34 AM

Well, that's what he gets for being a juggler vain.

You'd be amazed what a little humility will do to smooth out relationships. :D (IIRC, humility is the ability to hum doo-wop songs while doing carpentry).


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 10:25 AM

First they cast espersions on me, yucck
Then they released an inconveinient truth to haunt me.
Now they are going for the juggler.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 10:07 AM

I would think that would be the worst possible time to play the nose flute. Unless he is really dedicated to projecting phlegmboyance.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 09:14 AM

My life is full of stuff like that, Amos. Why, just last evening Jake "Bo-Peep" Scheissenhelm confided to me that he was going to sing several things at the Holiday Concert that That Bunch is planning to put on. His part of the program will consist of a medley composed of

I've Got Ewe Under My Skin
(I Know I'll Never Find) Another Ewe
The Ballad of Desert Bleat
Bonny Hieland Lamby
The Rocks of Baaaa

Since Bo-Peep sings in several keys at the same time while playing the nose flute his appearanc should be met with applause and trepidation, especially if his sinus problems are acting up again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 10:32 PM

It just shows to go ya, Rapaire:

"A Man's Reality should exceed his grasp
Or what's a "meta" for?"

A. Jessup
Poet Larynx

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 08:51 PM

A true, albeit strange, story:

Last night I was sitting here at Pat's PC, trying to figure out what was wrong, when the phone rang.

It was my nephew, Joe, who's in the Marines. The telephone in his room in the barracks (!) had just been hooked up and he called me. Not his parents, me, his uncle in Idaho.

Now, this wouldn't be too strange in itself (he fights with his father all the time), except that

Joe is stationed at MCAS Iwakuni, about 25 miles from Hiroshima, Japan.

We talked, on his nickel, for about a half hour. I have the phone numbers to both his cell phone and his room, should I want to call him. I also have his address.

He's about the age of SRS's daughter...hmmmm....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 07:55 PM

Look how he vaults over the bank jargon!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 07:36 PM

I don't get any interest from my banked reality.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 01:40 PM

Be careful, Rapaire, I think there's a metaphor creeping up on you!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 01:38 PM

I bank reality, just as I do the ashes of the fire at night.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 11:14 AM

I recently chose at random from among the great crop of blue numbers on the top of this page; as it happened, I lighted on 298. It brought up an ancient section of the MOAB in which BWL, Teresa, Rustic Rebel, SRS, and I were babbling about holotropes, synecdoches, and "42".

All I can say is, this thread is an amazing collection of riches. Just wunnerful, a historical archive rivalling the Smithsonian itself, the Library of Congress, the Richard Milhouse Nixon Presidential Repository, and several other great national repositories of really obscure convoluted outpourings.

Sigh. Some day, reality will come a-calling with a huge "Overdue" bill notice in its ugly hand. Fortunately, I have a final "Declaration of Realruptcy" from the Court of Last Resorts ready to use in my defense...(It's kinda like going bankrupt, except it is your stock of any strong sense of reality that is diminished, rather than just your bank account...)




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 10:25 AM

I submitted the MOAB thread to the "Blog Readability Test" on a different thread. After grinding away it came up with a message "Something went wrong." I suspect is isn't equipped to fathom the depth and the breadth of this particular thread. And it probably trips up on the humor and html also . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 10:18 AM

Thank god we have an expert around to keep things straight. I vote for the ritual chants of the Thark as probably more confortable for the Legionaires to sing along with.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 09:47 AM

Barsoom isn't a united country. They'd have to choose between the Anthem for Greater Helium, lesser Helium or the ritual chants of the Thark.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 09:46 AM

In all fairness, I should point out that they haven't yet decided upon which country's national anthem will be played. Last I heard it was a tossup between Canada and The Duchy of Grand Fenwick, with a very vocal minority holding out for Barsoom.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 09:39 AM

Now THAT's what I call the spirit of Christmas.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 09:24 AM

I may have to pick up a ticket - I love their rendition of 'Stumble Puke and Trip and Fall"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 09:22 AM

I think that you should know that the Genuine and Warranted Marching and Stumbling Band and Symphony Orchestra of Idaho Legion (GWMSBSOIL, or "that bunch")is practicing for their more-or-less annual Holiday Concert. The program should be a humdinger, and here it is, as printed:

The National Anthem
Medley: Allegro from "Water Music"/"I'm A Little Pee Pot"
Something from Vivaldi or one of those Eyetalians
Ives: Little White Duck
More Handel: Haillaylouya Chorus
Anonymous: Come Landlord Fill The Flowing Bowel
Billy The Kid -- Sweet!
Something from one of them Bachs
Anonymous: The Bastard King of England
Schumann: Trauma Tree (bagpipe solo)
Medley of songs and stuff over at Christmas Carol's place

Tickets to this diverse musical offering are still available at outrageous prices, but it's a "buy one, get all the rest you want for free" sale.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 12:35 AM

Well, anything involving the Legion certainly qualifies as B.S. Or, at least as some sort of S.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 11:17 PM

I also posted a recent happening involving the Idaho Legion.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 10:32 PM

The gal done got it said, Sir Rapaire.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 09:52 PM

This is the thing, Rapaire. What you wrote doesn't qualify as bullshit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 09:03 PM

I do believe you, good sir, and it is a fine piece you wrote for her.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 05:56 PM

I knew a former nurse, years back, who shot herself over just such a thing. The nurses and medics may have had it worst of all. So I wrote "Jesse" as sort of a tribute and, perhaps, in hope that people might understand.

In the original it was even grimmer.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 05:38 PM

Most things are.

But surely, you had to open the doors for all that grimness to find its way into your creative channels. That's something you have to take personal responsibility for, you know...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 05:11 PM

Well, I was in a grim mood when I wrote it. It was all Jerry Rasmussen's fault.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 04:31 PM

Well, "Jesse" is a keeper for sure, Mister R., and something to be proud of.

Grim, though...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 03:32 PM

Yes, I wrote it. And I'm proud of it, do you hear me? PROUD of it! So there!

AND I've got another one noodling around in my head. About voting: "I'm telling you, Mister, it's mine".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 01:53 PM

Well, Rapaire, to be honest, it had the fine perfume of authenticity around it, so I decided not to challenge you about its authorship. Have you tricked me, at last? Or is it in fact your own?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 01:35 PM

Sheesh, ya post an unattributed pome and Amos don't take up on it. Whatever is the world coming to?

MOM! Amos isn't buggin' me!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 11:58 AM

I'll snatch victory from the mouth of defeat--I've made up my mind on my roof and house colors. Such pressure--because I have to live with these choices! But it starts into motion--the roofer will come by this afternoon for his first small check to get shingles, to put on Friday and Saturday, weather permitting, and the painter will come in a day or two to power wash the paintable parts. The gutter guy will come after some and before others. I'll go buy six soffit vents to have handy for installation.

MOM can sit on the porch and enjoy the show, though she'll have to move when the power wash comes by.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 10:06 AM

Y'all are in SUCH mighty fine fettle, it makes my heart proud.

Them Legionaires sure are a fun lovin' bunch, I say.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 08:44 AM

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
Too much death and too many napalmed bodies
Too much blood, too many brains spilled in the mud
Too many broken bodies --
Chains a thousand years in forging kept her home.

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
A kid right out of nursing school
She was there at Khe San, Hue and Tet
Off to war, she saw it all
Chains a thousand years in forging kept her home.

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
The bottle drowned the nurse that she had been.
She'd roamed around and slept around
Nothing stopped the marching
Chains a thousand years in forging kept her home.

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
When the foreman went to find out what was wrong
He found her lying across her bed
A forty-five slug in her head
Chains a thousand years in forging yanked her home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 11:10 PM

That Southworth guy was probably an immigrant from South Texas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 11:00 PM

Most folks 'round here don't blast lug nuts with a 12 gauge. Leastwise, the lug nuts on wheels....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:19 PM

Rapaire,

That there is some mighty fine BS. Yessir! Mighty fine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 09:58 PM

And in the REALLY Far West, you can never tell what'll happen:

SOUTHWORTH, Wash. (AP) -- A man trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut blasted the wheel with a 12-gauge shotgun, injuring himself badly in both legs, sheriff's deputies said.

The 66-year-old man had been repairing a Lincoln Continental for two weeks at his home northwest of Southworth, about 10 miles southwest of Seattle, and had gotten all but one of the lug nuts off the right rear wheel by Saturday afternoon, Kitsap County Deputy Scott Wilson said.

"He's bound and determined to get that lug nut off," Wilson said.

From about arm's length, the man fired the shotgun at the wheel and was "peppered" in both legs with buckshot and debris, with some injuries as high as his chin, according to a sheriff's office report.

"Nobody else was there and he wasn't intoxicated," Wilson said.

The man was taken to Tacoma General Hospital with injuries Wilson described as severe but not life-threatening.


Ah, Seattle....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 09:24 PM

Ma'am, it's powerful hard to fergit where ya live. Out here in The West (Texas excluded itself when it didn't re-elect Ann Richards and voted in a Frat Boy instead), sometimes we find it needful to resort to weaponry.

For example, jist last night Slim Jim got a bellyful up at the Legion Hovel and decided to see what was down the smokestack of Old 1630, a 4-8-8-3 steam engine on display at the Park. Now, he's called Slim Jim 'cause he ain't, toppin' the scales at about 500 pounds and there ain't any of it pure muscle. Anyways, he got hisself stuck in the smokestack of that engine and raised more noise than a diesel's air horn. Finally he attracts the attention of Betty Bambam, whose customers were being driven away by the noise. Betty, being a good soul, called the Legion to come get him, which was pretty smart as most of the fire department was up there anyway.

There was a lot of discussion about the best way to get Slim Jim out.    There was the idea of using a crane, but nobody wanted mess up the flowers in the park with something like that. Finally, Chief Quick of the FD clumb up and poured a couple gallons of cooking oil around Slim Jim. See, they were going to fire up the boilers on the old engine and they figgered that Slim Jim would thereby sweat off enough fat that, combined with the cooking oil, a half dozen strong guys could pull him out.

Problem was, the boiler was dry and nobody wanted to fire 'er up and maybe crack the boiler -- ya never know when you might need a big locomotive, ya know. Also Slim Jim hisself was hollering some objections or other to the plan.

So there was some more palaver whilst a new plan was developed. Prit near half the folks wanted to just leave him stuck there as an object lesson (or, as Honest Pete called it, "an objectible lesion"), but hotter heads prevailed and they brought up the lines from the air compressor over at the sewage treatment plant. This is one BIG compressor, so a half-mile or so of air hose hardly made a dent in the PSI output. They hooked that line up to the boiler and turned on the air.

Well, bein' the weakest spot in the system, so to speak, ol' Slim Jim shot outa there like a cork from champagne bottle. Mountain Home and Hill AFBs caught him on their radars and scrambled a full flight of interceptors, F-20s I think they were, to shoot him down. Only what goes up must come down and ol' Slim Jim did just that, makin' his landing splat in Fightin' Frank's manure pile. Frank come a runnin' outa his house, shotgun in hand, and Slim Jim stood up, the manure coverin' him from head to toes and jist a-drippin' manure and cooking oil.

Frank took one look, screamed something about The Blob, threw down his scattergun and took off for the back forty. Mrs. Frank saw a glimmer of humanity in what stood before her and turned on the garden hose. Right quick Slim Jim was standin' there, pretty much soaked in cooking oil but fairly clear of manure. Mrs. Frank tossed him the end of a lariat and quietly led him to the porch. She called the Sheriff, who sent a pickup to take him into town.

All ended well, except that Slim Jim got tossed into durance vile for thirty days from running around without pants -- they'd got ripped right offa him when he shot outa the smoke stack. Frank finally found his way home and Mrs. Frank soothed his troubles about The Blob by reminding him of what they were doing the night that the movie played at the Sunny-Up Drive Inn.

So ya see, ma'am, sometimes out here we gotta shoot things to make 'em right.

Or something.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 05:55 PM

I think they must have put chemicals on that golf course behind your house, Rap. Close the windows and take some deep breaths. The Old West visions commingled with Robert Service settings should begin to pass. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 05:00 PM

I can't imagine why you'd want to either, Amos. I thought maybe LH would, given that he's lived his life in the Far North amidst the polar bears and walruses and wolverines and grizzly bears. I'm quite content with no one doing so, however.

Come to think of it, LH probably used a pointed stick or something. Maybe he just wrassled 'em down with his bare hands.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 02:18 PM

No, I don't, actually -- I can't imagine why you would even think I might.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 01:43 PM

It just struck me that nobody calls men who talk about chronographing their handloaded cartridges and bolt headspace "geeks."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 01:40 PM

Wanna start talking about minute of angle, bullet drop, powder weights vs. bullet weights (in grains, of course), muzzle velocities, stopping power, and stuff like that? If so I'm outa here, 'cause that sort of thing fills up your boots, pockets, and hat faster even that "what is folk music" or "GWB is wonderful/treasonous".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 12:26 PM

Quite so, Rapaire -- a long conflation of lethal nouns and gruesome adjectives festooned with brightly colored hollow feathers, basted in insouciance and indifference, and presented to the gullible reader as something actually edible.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 11:24 AM

Damn right about the cap and ball revolvers being slow to load! You say Hickock used those? I can't figure it. Well, I guess maybe for him one set of loaded bullets was enough most of the time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:49 AM

(If gun talk ain't BS, there ain't no such thing as BS.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:46 AM

In brief, you put 'em where you can get to 'em quickly. Reloads are usually kept in your saddlebags (after all, you use your horse as cover when you're out on the plains) or loose in your pocket. Besides, LH, you ever try to reload a "gate loader" quickly? You have to put the hammer to half-cock (or what we in The West call the "Shane Position"), open the little door, put in a cartridge, rotate the cylinder one notch, put in another cartridge, and so on. Sure, you could use a top-break Schofield like Jesse James did, but until about 1890 when the wooden "speed loaders" started coming along you'd still have to load each cartridge one at a time.

Of course, this was still a big improvement over cap-and-ball revolvers...when you see those loaded you wonder how exactly The West Was Won.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:34 AM

Cary Grant carried his gun in his pocket . . . or was he just glad to see her?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 07:34 AM

Elfego Baca carried his in his hip pocket. Jack Slade shoved his pistol into his belt, as did Henry McCarty on occasion. Doc Holliday carried his in either a holster or his coat pocket (when he didn't use a sawn-off shotgun). Slane McBride (who later moved to Canada) usually shot his victims in the back with with a rifle, from ambush. Tom Horn shot them down with a Winchester. Wild Bill Hickok used cap-and-ball pistols. Jesse and Frank James both carried their pistols in saddle holsters, as did Big and Little Harpe (who also stuck them in their belts).


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