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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Bunnahabhain 01 May 06 - 05:24 PM
Rapparee 01 May 06 - 05:10 PM
Little Hawk 01 May 06 - 04:56 PM
Acme 01 May 06 - 04:14 PM
Rapparee 01 May 06 - 09:01 AM
Amos 01 May 06 - 01:30 AM
Acme 01 May 06 - 12:26 AM
Rapparee 30 Apr 06 - 10:31 PM
Rapparee 30 Apr 06 - 03:07 PM
Amos 30 Apr 06 - 02:30 PM
Acme 30 Apr 06 - 01:27 PM
Rapparee 30 Apr 06 - 09:34 AM
Bunnahabhain 30 Apr 06 - 08:31 AM
Acme 30 Apr 06 - 01:16 AM
Little Hawk 30 Apr 06 - 12:05 AM
Amos 29 Apr 06 - 11:36 PM
Rapparee 29 Apr 06 - 11:02 PM
Rapparee 29 Apr 06 - 09:07 PM
Little Hawk 29 Apr 06 - 08:39 PM
Amos 29 Apr 06 - 08:05 PM
Amos 29 Apr 06 - 03:55 PM
Acme 29 Apr 06 - 11:50 AM
Rapparee 29 Apr 06 - 10:03 AM
Little Hawk 28 Apr 06 - 11:35 PM
Acme 28 Apr 06 - 11:19 PM
Amos 28 Apr 06 - 10:43 PM
Rapparee 28 Apr 06 - 09:18 PM
Amos 28 Apr 06 - 09:09 PM
Amos 28 Apr 06 - 09:01 PM
Little Hawk 28 Apr 06 - 07:22 PM
Rapparee 28 Apr 06 - 06:09 PM
Amos 28 Apr 06 - 04:59 PM
Little Hawk 28 Apr 06 - 03:33 PM
Rapparee 28 Apr 06 - 02:33 PM
Bunnahabhain 28 Apr 06 - 02:22 PM
MMario 28 Apr 06 - 02:21 PM
MMario 28 Apr 06 - 02:11 PM
Rapparee 28 Apr 06 - 01:50 PM
MMario 28 Apr 06 - 01:13 PM
Amos 28 Apr 06 - 01:10 PM
Acme 28 Apr 06 - 01:03 PM
MMario 28 Apr 06 - 12:09 PM
GUEST,Wilmer 28 Apr 06 - 12:04 PM
Rapparee 28 Apr 06 - 12:03 PM
MMario 28 Apr 06 - 11:38 AM
Rapparee 28 Apr 06 - 11:37 AM
Rapparee 28 Apr 06 - 09:34 AM
Acme 28 Apr 06 - 12:58 AM
Rapparee 27 Apr 06 - 11:59 PM
Acme 27 Apr 06 - 11:54 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 01 May 06 - 05:24 PM

To the tune generally known as the Sailors hornpipe...

Do your Balls hang low? Can you swing them to and Fro?
Do your Balls hang Low? Can you tie them in a bow?


I can't remeber how it carries on thankfully....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 May 06 - 05:10 PM

Oh. I've been dropping them from forehead height and seeing how high they bounce.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 06 - 04:56 PM

The thing you have to do is test your balls first to see if they are still in good enough shape to be marketable...

Place your balls on a solid surface such as an oak table and deliver a good whack to each with a rubber hammer. The resilience of your balls under severe impact will establish if they still have what it takes to meet official playing standards.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 May 06 - 04:14 PM

When I owned a blue Volkswagen (a 1967 beetle, the best model year they ever made) I always kept a couple of spare wire coat hangers, almost more useful than duct tape. One served as my arial and the other was handy to reach in through the slightly open window to catch the button and pull and open the car in case the key was deciding not to work that day. I would go hiking and instead of hiding a spare key somewhere near the car I always hid my folded hangar with my pre-hooked end for opening the door. I never had to tie down the trunk or the engine cover, they worked just fine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 May 06 - 09:01 AM

Because if I find cast-off soda cans in my yard I chuck 'em back on the golf course. Doesn't happen nearly as often as find balls there.

I am truly annoyed about the trim falling off. I could have been run over (I lost my balance picking it up out of the high-speed lane on the Interstate) and it shouldn't have come off in the first place.

But if you want REAL excitement, I was once breezing down the highway at about 65 when the hood latch let go. Suddenly the entire view out the windshield turned white. It took me a microsecond to realize that I was now looking at the car hood, and I stuck my head out the window and braked, finally pulling off the road without injury to myself or others (I do admit to being a bit shaky). There was some wire in the car, so I wired the hood down to the grill and drove slowly home, where more permanent repairs were arranged.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 May 06 - 01:30 AM

I said target market, and I do not suggest targeting your balls, at least not for fencing or sidearm practice.

But never mind. I a concerned this desire to acquire others' balls may not be   healthy.

Why don't you take up collecting cast-off soda cans instead?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 May 06 - 12:26 AM

First time I read that I thought the WINDSHIELD fell off and you duct taped it into place. So I went back and reread. I must say, it is a MUCH more exciting story if the windshield falls out than a bit of trimfalls off.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 10:31 PM

Why would I target my balls? And which ones? I have one of them hanging by a rope under the deck; I use it for an epee target. Is that what you meant? Would you like to send me one of your balls to use as an epee target? It doesn't have to be a new one -- one that's old and worn out is okay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 03:07 PM

I'd like to put them in a vending machine ($1.50 per ball) and put the vending machine on my fence. The 8 year old girl next door is selling lemonade and I hope she'd making a bunch of money.

Friday last I had the windshield in Pat's Element replaced -- it was cracked nearly all the way across. I let it sit all day yesterday, and today I drove it to Idaho Falls (50 miles each way) to get some wicker patio furniture for the new Sun Room we've recreated. I had to leave two chairs and I interded make two trips today. Right -- on the way back the trim fro the driver's side of the windshield fell off. I taped it on (duct tape forever!) and some miles down the Interstate it flew off, causing me to dodge traffic to retrieve it.

Glass company's gonna git a phone call bright and early tomorrow morning! I need this vehicle to move servers from Idaho Falls to down here on Tuesday -- not to mention my chairs (which will not fit into my Civic).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 02:30 PM

Just remember, Rap -- if things get desperate, and you can't make ends meet on a librarian's pension, you can always resort to selling your balls.

'Course you might want to start by thinking about your target market...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 01:27 PM

Soon you can put a modest sign on your back fence that says "balls for sale."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 09:34 AM

In the past three days I've FOUND four balls in my back yard. Hard, white, and with pitted surfaces. They belonged to people named "Sleznger" (I think), "Titlest 2" (the junior member of the family, I guess), and names like those. I feel badly that these golfers left their balls in my yard, but not badly enough to advise them to seek medical attention.

Lots of golfers leave their balls in my yard. I have three LARGE 44 oz. drink cups full of them. I can only speculate that this is some sort of arcane golf ritual promoting birth control.

There used to be a labrador retriever who would run out on the golf course and retrieve golfer's balls. I thought that was nasty, training a dog to do that. I mean, losing their balls in a golf ritual is one thing, but geez!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 08:31 AM

You steal the balls from visiting golfer from far, far away. The locals might recognise you if you steal theirs, and organise a march with flaming torches on the Idaho legion HQ, and somebody will do something silly and call the police, who will overreact, and call in the FBI, AFT and NASCAR, and that will only lead to trouble..


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 01:16 AM

Mom, while Rap has been out stealing balls from the local golfers I've been out working on the home turf and putting in a few shrubs. Not enough rain yesterday to soak down more than a couple of inches, but every little bit helps.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 12:05 AM

There's help at the WSSBA for most types of common dementia.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 11:36 PM

Littkle Hawk:

Whatsamadda you? I was talking to Mom. You blind? I know where THAT comes from.

Rapaire: you know, there's no need for these wild mood swings, pal. There are sources of help out there...somewhere. Manila, maybe.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 11:02 PM

Ah, well. I shall post the lyrics to my song.

MOAB dear! MOAB dear!
In far off Idaho I heard your call
MOAB dear! MOAB dear!!
And here am I to give my all
I know in my soul what you expect of me
And all that and more I shall be!
A MOABite should be quite BSible
Succeed where a less fantastic man would fail
Climb to the heights no else can climb
Cleave a GUEST in record time
Post BS tho' he is without e-mail!
No matter the pun he ought to be unwinceable
Impossible tales should be his daily fare
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man so extraordinaire?

C'est moi! C'est moi!
I'm forced to admit
'Tis I, I humbly reply
That mortal who
These marvels can do
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I
I've never lost
In battle or game
I'm simply the best by far
When words are cross'd
'Tis always the same
One pun and au revoir!
C'est moi! C'est moi!
So admir'bly fit
A Idahoer of Rabelasian cheer
And here I stand with BS untold
Exception'lly brave, amazingly bold
To serve our MOAB dear!

The soul of a MOABite should be so sparkable
Yet my heart and my mind are pure as morning dew
With a will and a self-restraint
That's the envy of ev'ry saint
I could easily work a miracle or two
In love and desire I ought to be remarkable
Tho' ways of the flesh doth offer no allure
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man so untouch'd and pure?

[spoken] C'est moi

C'est moi! C'est moi!
I blush to disclose, I'm far too noble to lie
That person in whom these qualities bloom
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I

I've never stray'd from all I believe
I'm bless'd with an iron gut
Had I been made the partner of Eve
We'd all be in still in rut!
C'est moi! C'est moi
The angels have chose to post their postings below
And here I stand as pure as a pray'r
Incredibly clean, with virtue to spare
The MOABitest man I know!
C'est moi!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 09:07 PM

If you cannot make sense of Rapaire, you can't make sense out of anyone or anything.

Just consider poor Rapaire, sitting alone in his mountain fastness, working to keep the flames of Knowledge, Literacy, Art, yea, even Reason itself! burning brightly for all people everywhere. But what reward does he reap? Only to be scorned, insulted, driven from pillar to post, by the minions of the Forces of Ignorance, Gluttony, Lust, Pride, Greed, Envy, Famine, Death, Plague, War, and Perineal Pruritus.

None the less, he soldiers on, his Duty clear, his Sword of Enlightenment blazing white-hot against the encroaching Darkness. And for what? Only a pittance, a moldy crust and a flagon of stagnant water on even-numbered days, and then he must endure the slights of those who should be supporting poor Rapaire's work.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 08:39 PM

Talking to yourself again, Amos? ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 08:05 PM

Well, Mom, I see you're having a dizzy spell. I suppose you've been listening to that Rapaire again, and trying to make sense of it, huh? I know, I know....it is tempting, I understand, but Mom, if you indulge him, he'll just do it more!!

Here ya go, now, back up...

I love you too, Mom!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 03:55 PM

Glad you're not being lambasted Mag. Your story makes one moral clear: Being an airhead has its advantages.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 11:50 AM

Our neighborhood received a nice rain, half-inch to an inch, so I'm going to go work in the garden this morning. I went to bed with the weather radio nearby and a full set of clothes and shoes on the foot of the bed in case I had to exit in a hurry. A purist in bad weather probably would have gone to bed wearing those clothes, but I find it uncomfortable to sleep with my keys in my pants pocket.

It's beginning to rumble out there now, but it might be a car up the street. I'm going to work outside for a little while (it has been drizzling, then sunshining, then drizzling again, a nice morning that makes the neighborhood, with all of its tender spring leaves and green lawns look like someplace OTHER than a place that will be as hot as hell and turn brown if we have another drought this year).

Say, MOM, a guy stopped me on my walk with the dogs yesterday and asked if I had papers for the pitbull, like maybe I'd like to breed my dog. I'm glad she is so beautiful he'd think such a thing, but I told him she had been a stray and I'd had her spayed. He clearly was sorry to hear that, but MOM, the prospect of this sweetheart having puppies would mean I'd fall in love with all of them and have a yard FULL of dogs! I couldn't give them away or sell them. And considering the price for keeping a dog (for me) was to have one spayed, I think was worth it, because if I'd turned her over to the dog pound folks injured as she was, they'd have euthanized her. Anyway, two is plenty (and Poppy noticed he didn't ask about breeding her, but she's an airhead Catahoula, and forgot the slight about 17 seconds later).

My spell-check just suggested "carthweel" instead of "catahoula." Ha!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 10:03 AM

Hmmm...no word from DEep In The Heart Of. Guess she blew away. Hope the dogs are okay.

Uncle Caleb started out as a lancer on a whaling vessel. Being a tad nearsighted (and too proud to wear specs) his boat had to get really, really close before Unky made his throw. In fact, before he'd throw the crew would paint "This dead whale is the property of the whaling ship 'Buttercup'out of the port of New Bedford" on the side of the whale. Then Unky would make his throw and miss. The crew would back-paddle so fast that they burned the paint off the stern of their whaleboat and Unky would turn around and asked where the whale went.

His navigation stunk, too, but he was hell on wheels as a scrimshander (I think that's the first time that word has been used in MOAB).

I really don't know how the old man mannatee threatened Unky. I guess I always assumed it was with a shotgun or some other traditional way.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:35 PM

Just had a look on the Net, Stilly. Yeah, there seems to be bad weather all around your area of Texas, and a tornado warning just east of Fort Worth. Well, ride it out and we'll check in tomorrow and see how you made out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:19 PM

My father was the keeper of the Eddystone Light
And he slept with a mermaid one fine night.
From this union there came three,
Two little fishes and the third was me.

(or "A porpoise and a porgy and the third was me.")


Tornado siren went off a few minutes ago, and upon checking the weather, I think it might be a rough one here in North Texas. For those who follow such things, I'm on the south side of Fort Worth. If you look at the maps there is a circle around the city that is Interstate Loop 820. I'm about three blocks south of that and about a half mile west of I-35 (that intersects 820 just north and east of me), in case you're reading the radar. I'll set up a room if I have to bring in the dogs (that is a last resort!) and may have to sleep in the hallway. I have a futon pad I can pull in there and be comfortable (as long as the cats don't sleep right on top of me).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 10:43 PM

The manatee's daddy? What did he do -- threaten to flop him with a flipper?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 09:18 PM

My four times great uncle Caleb put his arm around a manatee one time and got right friendly with her. But her daddy caught 'em and made Uncle Caleb marry her.

Unk Caleb was pretty danged nearsighted, and he'd heard about mermaids, and well, you kin figger out the rest. We don't think there was any kids, which is good, 'cause we've always been sort of conservative about cross-species dating. My family's always pritty much stuck to other human beans.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 09:09 PM

Sea cows, or manatee, also have been known to get in the way of outboard motors, but they almost always lose. The outboard and its owners are in fact the manatee's only natural enemies! They are extraordinarily docile creatures who spend their days schmooing along the riverbottoms looking for water lilies to eat.

I once put my arm around one and he gave me a ride along the river bottom. I asked him who he was, and he reckoned he was just Joe Manatee, an ordinary kind of person.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 09:01 PM

GIves a whole new look at the word "motivation", huh?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 07:22 PM

"marine crocodiles have also been known to attach outboard motors"

No kidding! Man they must really move at a good clip that way. ;-D There are some pretty smart animals out there, I must say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:09 PM

Croc 1, chainsaw 0.

The news says that the chainsaw probably won't be repairable.

They think that the noise bothered the croc, because marine crocodiles have also been known to attach outboard motors. This being the case I'm surprised these crocs are still extant.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 04:59 PM

Who won -- the croc, or the chainsaw?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 03:33 PM

He's a busy man, Wilmer. He has a life. Keep checking in, though, don't give up. Hope springs eternal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 02:33 PM

I had this sign posted in my computer room. It was true then and it's true now:

"The is no problem with computers that cannont be solved by the calculation and placement of the correct amount of high explosive."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 02:22 PM

Rap, you really ought to start quoting the original source for your wonders of literature, and give us their Childish numbers.

As for tech support, you don't need any of that fancy stuff. Try a hammer, some kicking, and alot of cursing. It worked on the tractor today, and it almost got water to the pigs....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 02:21 PM

Dear MOM;

Just a quick note to let you know the workplace is sending me to training all next week. I don't know if I'll be home for supper or not.

Love,

MMario


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 02:11 PM

*grin* Wouldn't I love to? then there are the users who install a mail client we *know* doesn't work and complain because we tell them not to use it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 01:50 PM

Here's something I learned that may well help: shut it all down and the problem goes away.

Aren't you glad that you mentioned the problem and I was here to help you solve it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 01:13 PM

unfortunately we've already had 4 internal techs and 2 techs onsite from time-warner plus several tech off-site from time-Warner (they provide our trunk lines) working on it for 4 days and they still don't know what is happening or why. *AND* it's an intermittant problem. a real bugger to track down.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 01:10 PM

Just tell them they are a special case and their situation is being elevated to the top scientists for analysis. At least, it makes them feel important. Tell them they may have to sign an NDA and a profit-sharing agreement if its what you think it is.

LOL!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 01:03 PM

"Thirty-five minutes" is the correct answer. It's just in the margin of time people will wait, and they are less likely to notice when an hour has passed as they wait. Try that next time. (It worked great at the cave where I worked years ago. If there weren't enough people to run a tour and this was the first query, we had them wait at least 35 minutes hoping someone else would come along.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 12:09 PM

sorry - I had a bad case of help desk overload yesterday. lemmee tell you, people prefer *any* line of BS rather then the truth when the truth is something they don't like.

The trouble is, it is extremely hard to come up with anything other then "we don't know what the problem is, we are working on it, and no, we cannot estimate a time for the problem to be resolved as we don't know what the problem is yet" when that is the situation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Wilmer
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 12:04 PM

Where's Shatner today?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 12:03 PM

Actually, a guy was cutting up a fallen tree when the croc attacked the chainsaw.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:38 AM

I would have to assume the chainsaw was not running?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:37 AM

What's up Down Under? I just read a news report that a crocodile attacked at chainsaw at Corroboree Park Tavern near Darwin. Thing chewed on the saw for about 90 minutes; pretty much ruined it, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 09:34 AM

You can keep any golf balls you find...and I found TWO yesterday. What better inducement can I offer than that? Cut the lawn, find golf balls and keep them. What a deal!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 12:58 AM

No, but I'll send my dogs up to chew on it a little. They are like a couple of goats out in the back yard, always munching away.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Apr 06 - 11:59 PM

It's supposed to be nice up here -- wanna come cut my grass?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Apr 06 - 11:54 PM

Tomorrow's Friday! Yess! I'm ready for the weekend. . . too bad it's supposed to rain. Mom, make it not rain until after I finish mowing the lawn, please.

(I'll go do something else now while the boys keep beating up on MMario)


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