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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

GUEST,Chuckles 01 Apr 05 - 12:59 PM
Amos 01 Apr 05 - 12:41 PM
Acme 01 Apr 05 - 12:23 PM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 12:08 PM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 11:05 AM
GUEST,Amos 01 Apr 05 - 10:50 AM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 09:29 AM
Amos 01 Apr 05 - 09:25 AM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 09:16 AM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 09:12 AM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 09:10 AM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 09:00 AM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 08:54 AM
Layah 01 Apr 05 - 07:18 AM
Bunnahabhain 01 Apr 05 - 05:12 AM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 08:37 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Mar 05 - 07:27 PM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 06:03 PM
Rapparee 31 Mar 05 - 03:49 PM
rumanci 31 Mar 05 - 02:46 PM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 02:41 PM
Acme 31 Mar 05 - 02:30 PM
GUEST,MMario 31 Mar 05 - 02:27 PM
GUEST,MMario 31 Mar 05 - 02:26 PM
rumanci 31 Mar 05 - 02:20 PM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 02:14 PM
Bill D 31 Mar 05 - 11:05 AM
Acme 31 Mar 05 - 10:41 AM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 10:28 AM
Rapparee 31 Mar 05 - 08:51 AM
Rapparee 31 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM
GUEST,MMario 31 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 08:43 AM
GUEST,MMario 31 Mar 05 - 08:42 AM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 31 Mar 05 - 08:27 AM
Liz the Squeak 31 Mar 05 - 05:53 AM
Rustic Rebel 31 Mar 05 - 01:02 AM
Amos 30 Mar 05 - 10:45 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 05 - 09:56 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 05 - 09:26 PM
Bill D 30 Mar 05 - 08:21 PM
Layah 30 Mar 05 - 07:34 PM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 30 Mar 05 - 07:22 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 05 - 05:45 PM
GUEST,Layah 30 Mar 05 - 03:33 PM
GUEST,Rapaire 30 Mar 05 - 03:29 PM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 30 Mar 05 - 02:06 PM
GUEST,Stilly River Sage 30 Mar 05 - 12:39 PM
GUEST,MMario 30 Mar 05 - 11:25 AM
GUEST,Bunnhabhain 30 Mar 05 - 11:21 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chuckles
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:59 PM

What sort of place is this? Now I am experiencing a much warmer than normal metabolic temperature, my olfactory organ is secreting a greenish mucus, and my corporeal parts are aching. I am also forceably expelling air and mucus droplets in spasms of muscular contraction. There is also reverse peristalsis. My dendrial mycotes are drooping!

And you people choose to LIVE here???


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:41 PM

THAT's what I'm talking about, Miss Sage!! Yas'm!!!! Dining al fresco on the patio while browsing the Journal of American Antipathy and other scholarly collections. Rapaire, you takin' notes?!!!

I love the philosophical insight, Rapaire -- when one window opens, another closes, or whatever. It's like, like, ya know?

Happy 4-1.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:23 PM

I'm so glad that I can pass along some wonderful news regarding improvements in a U.S. library, and hope the progress will spread. Rapaire, be sure to note the coffee bar expansion story. I think we'll go ahead with that one at my university library. This is the kind of stuff that makes the MOAB so great!

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:08 PM

Give it up, Amos. Let it go. You'll be better for it. Tomorrow is another day. When one window closes another opens. Let the dead past bury its dead. Remember to put the seat down. Look both ways before crossing. Don't play in traffic. Stop, drop, and roll. Never run with scissors. Wear your rubbers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 11:05 AM

it's a sickness. called money. the root of all evil - and sometimes of BS.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 10:50 AM

And you will of course be there, to help them!! What better job could there be than to provide help to an endless line of slavering ineptitude, woebegone catastrophes in shoes, accidents that stopped waiting to happen, dumbkopfs disguised as staff members, users of many substances, the lost, bewildered and confused, the unable and the staggering many? Broad shoulders indeed, for such an Augean task!! All praise to thee, helper of many a fool!!

I -- on the other hand -- help no-one, earn no pay, and produce nothing! I do cook hamburgers for my bride when she comes home from the office, though.1

Yet, I strive to find some role where I will be as burdened with responsibility as you are. Why is this??? **bg**




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:29 AM

would that I were kidding, Amos. The dastard actually has done this! (posted the stuff - the voice recognition bit is of course BS - in honour of the day. But the bloody idjits trying to use it will call the helpdesk!!!!!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:25 AM

That is an inspiring public safety message indeed Rap. I hope you provided MM with condoms.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:16 AM

MMario, I wouldn't have any idea. My days are counted as "Do I have to go to work today or not?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:12 AM

rap - what is today's date?

the problem is - most of the users of the machine won't remember either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:10 AM

Commands like

"i have to be very careful what i say or i could accidentlly DELETE this very important FILE"???

And what does the software do to cope with dialects? And aren't secretaries there to type up stuff, not just read it into a machine? Why can't the higher-ups read their own stuff into the machine and let the secretaries get on with important work, like keeping the butts of the higher-ups out of jail?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:00 AM

[whinge mode ON]
This would be funny if I weren't manning the help-desk.

One of the supervisors has posted two pages of instructions over the shared document processing center - regarding the new voice recognition software installed so that the secretaries can use voice commands to process their documents.

Diabolically he has included "passwords" and "code words" and the comments that it may take the voice recognition software a few attempts to recognize new voices or voices after a change in personnel.


AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!



I hate this day.

incredibly stupid formating mistake corrected - joeclone


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 08:54 AM

I'M going to start a campaign to make folks practice Safe BS.

Layah's right.

Consider these cases:

* Little Cappy Jenks was just 3 years old when he toddled into the living room of his middle-class suburban home in a middle-class suburb of Nagodaches. His father was drinking beer with two friends and his brother-in-law; poor Cappy was struck by the flying BS. He's now a best-selling author.

* Laura was a cute kid: perky, pretty, smart, and always ready to help. One day she encountered a pervert and was taught to read; she was hooked and now she's given her body to a Major Politician and is living a degraded and disgusting existence in Washington, DC.

These are only two from the thousand in our files.

Unsafe BS practices cost the world billions each year:

* In 2003, Turkey spent over 3,000,000,000 Turkish Lira on BS-related diseases, money that could have been better spent on small arms.

* During 2004 -- just last year! -- the United Kingdom and the United States spent uncounted billions just for "Prime" ministers and "Chief Executives."

* From 1990 to 1999, the Southern Hemisphere alone did NO research on the dangers of BS, doubling that done by the Northern Hemisphere.

Won't you help? Send your contribution to Layah, and I beg you, PLEASE follow these simple rules of Safe BS:

1. Always use a condom.
2. Treat every BS as if it were loaded until you personally have proven otherwise.
3. Keep BS chained up when it's not in use.
4. Put "Mr. Yuck" stickers on EVERYTHING.
5. Remember, you can never tell!
6. Walk your post in a military manner, keeping always on the alert and allowing no one to pass without proper authority.
7. Read everything!
8. Wash your hands for at least 20 seconds after going to the bathroom.
9. Thou shalt not commit.
10. Memorize all the unwritten rules.

If you will follow these simple, common-sense, rules we can beat this thing -- together!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Layah
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 07:18 AM

If google's read our verse and is still giving us poetry competitions I'll be very dissapointed. I thought Google ads were more intelligent than that.

Accidental BS kills thousands of people a year. It's not something to be taken lightly, and I certainly wouldn't go making jokes about it. It's a serious matter, and one that isn't talked about often enough. Accidental BS is a serious problem in this country, and yet not many people acknowledge it, much less actually try to stop it's spread. That's why I'm starting the save the BS campaign. What can you do to help? You can start up a campaign in your own neighborhood. Or better yet just send me a check, and your conscience can be clear that you've done what you could to stop this horrendous massacre.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 05:12 AM

Is there a distinction between intentional BS, such as MOAB, and the accidental BS, freely generated on many subjects, by many people, without them even realising or trying?

Or is trying to determine the nature of BS a waste of time. And why is google giving us poetry competitions as what we want? Has it read our verse?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:37 PM

Oh, I know, I know. I hasve been there and still wear the Appaloosa tee shirt. Thanks, BWL!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 07:27 PM

Amos, Amos, Amos...

We are, in fact, being extremely polite by not commenting upon your doggerel. You see, when one sets out to imitate shit, one cannot expect to receive lauds if one is successful. Shit's like that. No matter how successful you are at creating it, in the end you still have shit. It is testimony to the quality of the shit you have created that we have merely let it lie without comment instead of saying, "My God, Amos! It's shit!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 06:03 PM

Thanks, Rapaire, and all; I feel really understood! LOL!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 03:49 PM

I am always in awe of you, Amos. Indeed, you fill me with awe. In fact, I think you're awful.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: rumanci
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:46 PM

Ode 'Ere
I asked for that
Thankyou
:-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:41 PM

A verse to them is like a year to me
Merely a breath in the passing waves of fancy;
Averse to them, well, that seems strange to me,
A rhyme in time is like a smile, Rumanci!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:30 PM

Yeah, Amos, if I could write such bad poetry and create such foppish names I'd happily step up to bat!

;->


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:27 PM

seriously - they *do* fill me with awe - and jealousy. Would that I could...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:26 PM

no - Amos - it's just that your talent strikes awe into our hearts.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: rumanci
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:20 PM

maybe we're all averse to them ??


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:14 PM

Every time I invent a new dead poet of mythically simpering style and colossal patsiness, it just gets ignored. These are some of the best poor poets you will see -- more subtle in their mediocrity than McGonagle, more flat-footed and brutish in the clinch than Edgar A. Guest. Yet not a word!! Why is this?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 11:05 AM

*puff puff*...just back from following Rapaire's instructions......You would not believe how narrow minded my neighbor are! Luckily, the cops didn't even believe them, and I was safely back in my house before they arrived.

I think I'll go back to that dark room part........


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 10:41 AM

I had to caution MMario about promoting our exemplary brand of BS over on some of those others lists. A considerable amount of the BS that is landing on those censorship lists is downright rancid. I've never found the true cow variety to be unpleasant.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 10:28 AM

Speak not to me of cow pats, now I pray,
For on them there is little worth to say
And cowpats, laud them how you may
Never outgrow their origins and stay
Where they are landed, caring not and without form;
Listless and odiferous is the cow-pat norm.

Oh, no--enough of cowpats without cess!
I'd rather spend my hours on B.S.
Golden in variety and magic in its reach,
Leave cowpats behind, smelling each to each,
Go forth, mend up your manners and your dress,
And give the world its worth in pure BS.

Giles Shamrock Arlington
A Pastoral Repast in Rhyme
Brown, Wett, Dung and Company
Edinboro, 1913


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:51 AM

'Nother thing. I dunno how the folks up in Bovill could tell about them cow pats, seein's as how the whole dang town is pretty much a big ol' cow pat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM

Bovill, huh? That's so far north that all their brains are friz up solid. 'Sides, you run unbranded cattle you're runnin' mavericks an' anybody kin rope an' brand a maverick. Ain't no way of provin' ownership, 'cept maybe an unbranded calf bawlin' after a branded cow.

Now, down here, we'd just grab them cows an' sell 'em. Use the money fer city improvements, like fixin' the curb outsida the Hi-Ho Bar, the one that so danged many folks trip over and end up in the gutter. Roany Ed sprained an ankle pretty bad on that curb 'tother night.

Now, iffen they was branded cattle, that'd be a diffurnt story. THEM the own could git the sheriff or the vigilantes and gather up them folks that took 'em. Wouldn't matter which gathered them rustlers up, neither, 'cuz the Code Of The West tells ya how ta deal with rustlers an' horse thieves.

First, ya git yersrlf some 3/8ths inch rope....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM

boy - the level of BS over at the censorships threads is much higher then it is here! Mom - we're sorry!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:43 AM

WoW! Instant song challenge complete with WINNAH!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:42 AM

I always suspected LTS had some connection with MOAB - now the truth is out!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:27 AM

Oh, there's cowpies in the street
I've got cowshit on my feet
Even got it in the cracks between my toes
Yes the sidewalks of my town
Are a cowshit shade of brown
Ain't no doubt, those fuckin' cows have got to go

Oh there's cowshit everywhere
I've even got it in my hair
There's a big turd in the middle of the road
'Cause them cows don't give a damn
Where their excrement may land
They just lift their tails and "Plop!" they drop their load

Well the townsfolk had enough
Of bein' covered in cow stuff
So we met one night and hatched a little plan
We lassoed them cows right then
Stuck em in a big cowpen
An' we waited for the shit to hit the fan

'Cause the feller owned them cows
Said "Give 'em back to me right now!"
But a twenty-buck a head fine was required
He said "Ya'll all go to hell!"
We said "That'll work out swell
Barbecue, and we won't have to light a fire!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 05:53 AM

I swore I'd never post here, but found this story that just had to be shared.....

Note how the name of the town is only one letter away from a tasty beefy drink......

Some real BS....

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 01:02 AM

Hey Rap, will you snap your fingers so the rest of us can wake up?
I'll sit here and do my cross stitch (I never let up do I?) and watch Bill do that two fisted thing with our Special Intergalactic Spy Moabscopic Transmitting Kaleidoscope. That will give it some redeeming multidimensional features.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 10:45 PM

Ach dis is too turrible. Der Rock of Chibralter hasch cracked open -- our port in a schtorm, der alvays steady-on, schelf-controldt Rapaire hasch gone inter der full-blown revivification uff der early trauma von der military eckshperienches!!

Rapaie, get schleep undt drink lots uff vater undt some B vitamins, ya? Build up yer schtrength and schtay awy von der sources of der schtress fer a week or scho, ya? Den you be back to yourschelf again in no time flat. Truscht me on dis!!

Liebenscheiss
D. Psych., M.S.G., M.C.A. D.B.A.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 09:56 PM

And don't you call me "Sir!" I ain't no officer, I work for a livin'!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 09:26 PM

Bill D., as this thread has demonstrated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over ad infinitum nausuam, the supply of BS within this universe alone approaches infinity. You cannot "run out" of BS any more than you can "run out" of gravity or away from yourself. But you must look within yourself at times to find it. Try sitting in a darkened room, in a comfortable chair, the temperature neither warm nor cold. Close your eyes and try to focus on a spot just an inch or so beyond the bridge of your nose. Use your inward-directed powers to do this. Concentrate on this spot. Let everything else slip from your mind, all the aches and pains, all the cares of the day, feel them washing away from your body...and now, goddamnit, wake the hell up! Do you think that I'm telling you all this good shit just so you can go to sleep on me?! You listen to me, boy, if I catch you sleepin' agin you're gonna drop down in the pigshit and give me fifty one-handed pushups, you hear me? I'm tryin' to teach you the way to Inner Peace and How To Tap Into The Hidden BS Of The Universe and you're goin' to sleep on me! You need to get your blood runnin', you know that? Grab your peice in your left hand and your so-called manhood in your right! Now you do fifty laps around the field here, and you yell at the top of your voice "This is my rifle, This is my gun, This is for killing, and this is for fun." And I want to see you shake the appropriate one when you get to it, too. Now move out!! And I wanna hear you shout a thousand meters away!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 08:21 PM

Just because I ran out of BS over 6000 posts ago, doesn't mean I'm not keeping an eye on you all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Layah
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 07:34 PM

I probably should have specified what I wrote was about Scottish Gaelic. Irish Gaelic is similar, but I don't know anything about it so I don't know how similar. But anyway Bunn's name is Scottish Gaelic so it doesn't matter. I don't see anything wrong with Bunn-o-matic, but I do have to say that picture you found doesn't look very much like him. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but there's just something not quite right about it. =D


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 07:22 PM

Let's just forget about how to pronounce Bunn's name and call him Bunn-O-Matic.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 05:45 PM

My cousin-in-law teaches French at the U. of VA, Charlottesville. He's been studying Irish. He says that it is not an obvious language.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Layah
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 03:33 PM

What about the inchworm song:
two and two is four
four and four is eight
eight and eight is sixteen
sixteen and sixteen is thirty two

Bunn, you should start a tally of how many people ask you how to pronounce your name. It is rather unfair to use Gaelic though. bh=v usually. And for that matter other odd Gaelic spelling, mh=v or silent, dh=y or silent or gurgle, th=silent or h, fh=silent, sh=silent. All those silent consonants make for some strange spellings. Like Gaelic version of Donald is Domhnail pronounced Dol. That's not the worst one I've seen, jsut the first I could think of. Gaelic is a strange language.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 03:29 PM

I've never built one, but I've driven several crates.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 02:06 PM

Mathematical posts are sorta like playing hardcore bluegrass. Once a year is enough. And I've already made my one required mathematical post for the year. Something about division by zero being the same as multiplying by infinity, or something like that. Ya'll just carry on carryin' on in yer base eights and all that stuff. I gotta go build some crates.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 12:39 PM

Five times five is twenty-five
Five times six is thirty
Five times seven is thirty-five
Five times eight is forty.

Anyone else ever get that song stuck in their head?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 11:25 AM

Bunnhabhain [however do you prounounce that?]

if perchance you count by ten
the eigth decade postcedes when
Having counted up to seven
thirty counts before eleven

plus one

7081


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bunnhabhain
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 11:21 AM

Thankyou!
I had the feeling I was dragging the standard of poetry down round here, but things like that cure me entirely.

I'm banking the highest known prime number. You can have half, if you tell me how much that is....

Bunnhabhain.


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