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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 25 Feb 12 - 12:32 PM
Little Hawk 25 Feb 12 - 11:36 AM
Amos 25 Feb 12 - 01:34 AM
Acme 25 Feb 12 - 12:59 AM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 10:41 PM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 12 - 10:21 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 09:00 PM
gnu 24 Feb 12 - 08:24 PM
Amos 24 Feb 12 - 07:34 PM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 12 - 07:23 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 02:39 PM
Amos 24 Feb 12 - 02:26 PM
Acme 24 Feb 12 - 11:17 AM
Amos 24 Feb 12 - 10:47 AM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 12 - 01:05 AM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 10:24 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 10:22 PM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 10:00 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 09:08 PM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 03:22 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 03:16 PM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 10:29 AM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 10:21 AM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 10:01 AM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM
gnu 22 Feb 12 - 10:30 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Feb 12 - 08:22 PM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 06:51 PM
Little Hawk 22 Feb 12 - 05:58 PM
gnu 22 Feb 12 - 02:32 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Feb 12 - 02:22 PM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 02:16 PM
gnu 22 Feb 12 - 01:01 PM
Amos 22 Feb 12 - 12:58 PM
Little Hawk 22 Feb 12 - 10:44 AM
Little Hawk 22 Feb 12 - 10:29 AM
Amos 22 Feb 12 - 10:08 AM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 09:24 AM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 01:17 AM
Little Hawk 22 Feb 12 - 12:26 AM
Rapparee 21 Feb 12 - 09:57 PM
gnu 21 Feb 12 - 07:29 PM
Rapparee 21 Feb 12 - 09:10 AM
Little Hawk 21 Feb 12 - 12:17 AM
Little Hawk 21 Feb 12 - 12:04 AM
Acme 20 Feb 12 - 11:59 PM
Little Hawk 20 Feb 12 - 11:32 PM
GUEST,Don McBride 20 Feb 12 - 11:28 PM
Rapparee 20 Feb 12 - 09:32 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 12:32 PM

It had better be!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 11:36 AM

Oh, I do, I do. ;-)

Stilly, the bird you are referring to may be the Perennially Aggrieved Eastern Plover, popularly known as the Periwinkle. The Periwinkle is almost always offended by prevailing conditions, whatever they may be, and is usually glimpsed departing the area as you say...in a fit of pique, and with its nose in the air. No Periwinkle is never really satisfied nor is it likely to stick around long, because nothing ever meets its unqualified approval. It is a migratory bird.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 01:34 AM

It's certainly not my place to decide that you are deranged, Rapp. I think Little Hawk understands this.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 12:59 AM

If there is anyone who can flounce off screen in a fit of pique, leaving a few feathers behind to drift in the air, it would be a bird of your creation, LH.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM

I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm just curious.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 10:41 PM

Well, is he?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 10:21 PM

Hey, man...it's beyond dispute! ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 09:00 PM

You callin' me deranged? Are ya? Huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 08:24 PM

I can see how that would fly as a apoken piece, LH. It's brilliant. A far as another deranged, odd personality in this forum, go for it. There's always room for one more.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 07:34 PM

THere's such a fine line between creative imagination and lying about another person, Rapparee. You should study it up. Keep you safe at night, and all that.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 07:23 PM

Hi, Stilly. Not a bad idea to have Beauregard start posting on the forum! If I (and he) get time, I think it would be pretty cool to have a Napoleonic Budgie's input show up here on a regular basis. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 02:39 PM

Actually you sent a check. I was able to parlay that into enough money to take a vacation in the Southwest for the first two full weeks of March.

Sucker.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 02:26 PM

I allus said Still was a class act.

Rapp, no, you did not get6 my money. If I were a betting man, I would never bet on you being a straight bookie.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 11:17 AM

Will that Budgie start posting in the MOAB one of these days? He seemed awfully close to life-like in that poem. Delusions of Grandeur work well here.

Thanks for the poem, Amos. I wondered if I was going to pour the beer down someone's gullet - that was resourceful, melting Chongo instead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 10:47 AM

Numaree the Rapscallion is geographically challenged.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 01:05 AM

That's very kind and helpful of you, Rap. ;-)

Well, I finished up my set at the TLC Cafe tonight with a recitation of "Beauregard the Budgerigar", and it certainly got a lot of laughter and applause. Great fun! It actually works better as a spoken poem than as a song, although I do have music worked out for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:24 PM

Stuff to help Amos and others cope in society:

Redneck Manners

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:22 PM

Got your money, didn't I?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:00 PM

Sure, Rapp, sure. It was just in the poem, see. We know you stiffed all those folks you lured into wagering on an event that never happened with one imaginary contestant. Sure.. You just kept all their money and figured out all the necessary justifications and rationalizations to make it seem right, somehow. No-one thinks you really did anything as wussy as giving back money you took for a non-event. No, sirree. We know you're MUCH tougher than that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 09:08 PM

I didn't give any money back. You pays your money and you takes your chance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 03:22 PM

SO he squinted his eyes and he held his breath
And he let his arms go limp
And he waved his hands and invoked the name
Of Chongo, the dreamscape Chimp!
And a cloud of smoke rose up from the ground
SOur and thick and fat,
ANd curdy soon Chongo was standing there
Wearing shoes, and a pork-pie hat.

Wal Gnu was game, and the Chimp the same
With a mean and simian look,
He flapped his ears, and Gnu just sneered,
ANd Chongo answered, "Oook!"
It mighta turned bad, for that flea-bit lad,
We wuz miles from the nearest cop,
And the was feeling awful mad,
When a silv'ry voice said "Stop!!"

Then into the ring stepped Stilly Sage
With an attitude learned from Mother,
ANd a bucket of beer hanging from one hand
And a mess of poems in the other.
And she said with aplomb, "No child of Mom
Ever spills the blood of another!
You are each her kin, and 'twould be a sin
TO mess with the flesh of a brother!"

Now this gave Gnu pause, 'cuz he honored law,
And wanted to do whut wuz right;
But the jungle brat would have none of that,
Fer he'd set his mind on a fight.
But Stilly was calm, with the strength of Mom
"Here's a drink to persuade you", she said.
And with never a fear, she just empited that beer
All over that dumb chimp's head!

Well, old Chongo howled, and cursed and whirled,
And he gave her the Evil Eye,
And "Look what you've done, you wicked girl!"
"I'm melting!", he did cry.
And 'twas truth to say, he was melting away
Turned to smoke, from toes to ear.
Drifting off through the air, leaving Hawkster there
In a stinking puddele of beer.

Well, the folks there just kinda wandered away
Having seen more than they could stand.
And Stilly stepped over to the dripping Hawk
And pulled him up by the hand.
And the only one who was less than pleased
Was the Bookman, Rapparree,
'Cause they made him give back the dough, ya see,
Since ole Still kiboshed the spree.

This story, now, it's getting old,
And it's brought us all pretty far.
And instead of standing here in the cold,
We should all go back to the bar.
Only sixty-four posts stand ahead in line
A small enough price to pay,
And we'll see the dawn rise above our Mom
At the peak of the next of Kay!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 03:16 PM

What, pray tell, is a semolinic nederthrall? I ain't in thrall to nobody and I sure eat other stuff besides semolina.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:29 AM

You, sir, are a semiotic Neanderthal.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:21 AM

So you cut your slice of bread into five-hundred and twelfths?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:01 AM

Parsimony! Who would want 1/256th of a sandwich?!! I feed my parakeet better than that!! But he died.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM

You can use one slice of bread, cut it in half, and use the halves to make a sandwich. Or you can cut it in quarters. Or eighths. Or sixteenths. Or thirty-seconds. Or sixty-fourths. Or one-hundred twenty-eighths. Or two-hundred fifty-sixths. It depends upon how hungry you are. Cutting it into two-hundred fifty-sixths would give you one hundred twenty-eight sandwiches, or enough for a wake.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 10:30 PM

"Ya don't have two half crumbs. Ya got two crumbs, man."

George Carlin


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 08:22 PM

I bite off the sharp corner on the left side first, then the sharp corner on the right side. Then I take however many bites are required along the hypotenuse to restore the sandwich to its original triangular shape, only smaller. I then repeat the process as many times as needed until the apex is the last bite to be eaten.

Yes, Mom, I know how to spell "OCD".

By the way, has it ever occurred to you that it's impossible to make just half a sandwich? You have to first make a whole sandwich and cut it in half. A sandwich made from two half-slices of bread is not a half-sandwich. It's a half-sized whole sandwich.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 06:51 PM

I eat the middle out first, no matter how it's cut.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 05:58 PM

It doesn't sound like a country song when I do it, Amos. Melody doesn't sound country. Chord sequence doesn't sound country. It sounds like a folksong. It has the general feel of various songs Bob Dylan has recorded very simply on records such as John Wesley Harding...just my guitar, voice, and harmonica.

You look at the lyrics and...yeah...it could be country. But it isn't.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 02:32 PM

Which corners? Surely you wouldn't bite your apex? I think this survey deserves it's own thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 02:22 PM

Hi, Mom!

I'm taking a poll.

Here it is:

If you're eating a sandwich that has been cut in half diagonally, do you bite the corners off first, or take a bite out of the hypotenuse?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 02:16 PM

Cowboy poetry. Elkins, NV, January every year.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 01:01 PM

Good stuff, LH.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 12:58 PM

Hell, Hawk, that would make a first-rate country song, especially if'n you could find a lesbian C&W singer to record it. Damn, it is too bad Alison K isn't gay--she'd be perfect for it.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 10:44 AM

Well, here's another new song from a couple of weeks ago. I really like it...and it IS my genuine prayer, that's for sure. I decided to give it a wacky Dylanesque title instead of the obvious one... ;-)

George Coventry's 118th Prayer                                        

Lord, give me a woman
who is honest, brave, and kind
Who will meet me on the level
And won't mess up my mind
Who respects the works of nature
And walks lightly on this world
Lord, give me a woman
Not a little girl

Lord, give me a woman
Who will take me as I am
And not try to reshape me
Into some imagined man
Who will take my hand as partner
As a lover and a friend
Who will stand equal beside me
When the tides of fortune bend

Lord, give me a woman
Who's complete within herself
Whose happiness does not depend
Upon somebody else
But rises freely as a spring
That flows out of her heart
And falls like healing rain
On every soul who shares her part

Lord, give me this woman
And to her I will be true
And give her back the same in kind
As I would do for you
But this is no demand
This is my prayer and my request
Lord, give me this woman
And I swear I'll do my best

Copyright   ©   2012   George Coventry


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 10:29 AM

I have had many a grand post meet the same tragic end, Amos. Vanished in an instant! Never to see the light of day nor receive the well-deserved praises of my many fans. OH! The agony of it all! It's enough to drive a man to drink.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 10:08 AM

I am really peeved about the Fight Poem which I had a complete resolution for in which Stilly saves the day with a bucket of beer, but the effing server-lag ate it up and I hadn't saved it. Immortal lines, smashed into oblivion on the heaving bosom ofg indifferent cyberspace!! Woe!!

Anyway when I have a moment perhaps I will try to reconstruct same. It would not be right to leave the tension unresolved.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 09:24 AM

Good morning, mater. I hope that you are well this morning. Amos has fixed Chongo for you for breakfast: Chump Chimp Souffle, fresh biscuits, and fresh fruit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 01:17 AM

I think they should deal with him like the Brits did to those Irishers: shove a hose and a funnel down his throat and pour in soup. Or they could do it a more modern way, one that Shame now would probably like more: insert the soup from the bottom up, so to speak.

Or they could just put a bag of moldy Tim's donuts within his reach -- the kind usually found the day before the dumpster is emptied.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 12:26 AM

Word on the street is that Shane, in prison in Sudbury, has gone on a hunger strike!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Feb 12 - 09:57 PM

Wasn't Beauregard the bloodhound that tracked Shame down when he broke jail the last time? They found Shame curled up in a fetal position whimpering "Don't let him at me!" as ol' Beau tried to lick Shame to death.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 21 Feb 12 - 07:29 PM

Beauregard and Shane.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Feb 12 - 09:10 AM

I've learned lotsa pomes in my time:

Under the spreading chestnut tree
Were rusty cans and such debris.

and

The boy stood on the burning deck
Eating peanuts by the peck.

and

The shades of night were falling fast
And peeping toms were foiled at last.

and

Tell me not in mournful numbers
The price you paid for two cucumbers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Feb 12 - 12:17 AM

Thanks, Stilly. ;-) Yes, we all fear the day when Beauregard busts out!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Feb 12 - 12:04 AM

Then Chongo smiled with the smile of an ape
Who's heard many a hollow boast
From many a man who thought he could tan
The hide of the ape from the coast
From the coast of Mid-West Africa
Where the mangos fall heavy and thick
And danger waits for the man who baits
A trenchcoat-clad primate dick

"You musta not heard," said Chongo Chimp,
"What happened to Gentleman Jim
When he drew on the ape from Ohio State
And he figgered that he could win.
He's six feet under now, y' know?
He's pushin' up daisies real fine
With a .45 five cal lodged in his brain
And the gun it came from was mine."

"If you wanna stay healthy
Don't try to get wealthy
By pickin' a fight with me
Or I'll pound yer head
So far down yer neck
You'll hafta stop talkin' to pee!"
And with that reply, Chongo pulled back his coat
In a manner both suave and grand
To reveal a tommy gun, cold steel blue
At the ready in his right hand.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Feb 12 - 11:59 PM

Time to get serious here, and it demands a woman's touch


The boy stood on the burning deck
Whence all but he had fled;
The flame that lit the battle's wreck
Shone round him o'er the dead.

Yet beautiful and bright he stood,
As born to rule the storm;
A creature of heroic blood,
A proud, though child-like form.

The flames rolled on?he would not go
Without his Father's word;
That father, faint in death below,
His voice no longer heard.

He called aloud?'say, Father, say
If yet my task is done?'
He knew not that the chieftain lay
Unconscious of his son.

'Speak, father!' once again he cried,
'If I may yet be gone!'
And but the booming shots replied,
And fast the flames rolled on.

Upon his brow he felt their breath,
And in his waving hair,
And looked from that lone post of death
In still yet brave despair.

And shouted but once more aloud,
'My father! must I stay?'
While o'er him fast, through sail and shroud,
The wreathing fires made way.

They wrapt the ship in splendour wild,
They caught the flag on high,
And streamed above the gallant child,
Like banners in the sky.

There came a burst of thunder sound?
   The boy?oh! where was he?
Ask of the winds that far around
With fragments strewed the sea!?

With mast, and helm, and pennon fair,
That well had borne their part?
But the noblest thing which perished there
Was that young faithful heart.

Casabianca ---Felicia Dorothea Hemans
New Monthly Magazine and Literary Journal
1826 (Edward Bulwer, editor)

I liked your songs, LH, and I live in fear of the day that budgie breaks out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Feb 12 - 11:32 PM

Rap, I think Amos's idea was that I transformed myself INTO Chongo Chimp. There's a strong precedent for that, you know. Get with the script, Bookman! It is now Chongo versus Gnu, and I am no longer in the scene. I might add that Chongo has never lost a fistfight...though he has experienced one or two draws. I think he had a draw with Fat Freddy once before poor Freddy bought the farm.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 20 Feb 12 - 11:28 PM

Holy FLIP, man! This is a flippin' epic!

- Don

p.s. The little bruther's still in solidary, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Feb 12 - 09:32 PM

Then the Manne of Bookes reached across his belt
And out a big Colt's hogleg drew
The cylinder holdin' six lead pills
A cure for what's ailin' you.

Then he said to the chimp, whether smoke or real
"You ain't innerruptin' this fight!
Ol' Gnuer's been chompin' at the LH bit
An' we're gonna see who's right.

I don't care for yer pork-pie hat
Or yer blank-an'-white saddle shoes
Cuz you look like a pimp from Prescott line
So back off, or sing the blues!"


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