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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 07 Dec 15 - 09:27 PM
gnu 07 Dec 15 - 09:08 PM
Little Hawk 07 Dec 15 - 03:00 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 15 - 10:29 AM
Amos 06 Dec 15 - 11:12 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 15 - 06:08 PM
Little Hawk 06 Dec 15 - 03:03 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 15 - 12:58 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 15 - 12:56 PM
Amos 05 Dec 15 - 11:32 PM
Rapparee 05 Dec 15 - 10:27 PM
GUEST,Rapparee (sans cookie for some reason) 05 Dec 15 - 04:18 PM
gnu 05 Dec 15 - 02:26 PM
Rapparee 04 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM
Rapparee 04 Dec 15 - 09:03 PM
Little Hawk 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 PM
Acme 04 Dec 15 - 01:58 PM
gnu 04 Dec 15 - 01:35 PM
Amos 04 Dec 15 - 10:47 AM
Little Hawk 04 Dec 15 - 10:46 AM
Rapparee 04 Dec 15 - 09:25 AM
gnu 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 AM
Amos 04 Dec 15 - 12:08 AM
Rapparee 03 Dec 15 - 10:33 PM
gnu 03 Dec 15 - 07:37 PM
Little Hawk 03 Dec 15 - 12:10 PM
Amos 03 Dec 15 - 10:42 AM
Rapparee 03 Dec 15 - 09:59 AM
GUEST,Noddy 03 Dec 15 - 02:57 AM
Little Hawk 03 Dec 15 - 12:58 AM
Rapparee 03 Dec 15 - 12:51 AM
Amos 02 Dec 15 - 11:01 PM
Rapparee 02 Dec 15 - 09:50 PM
Little Hawk 02 Dec 15 - 09:32 PM
Amos 02 Dec 15 - 10:35 AM
Rapparee 02 Dec 15 - 10:15 AM
gnu 02 Dec 15 - 05:06 AM
Little Hawk 02 Dec 15 - 03:29 AM
Amos 01 Dec 15 - 10:31 PM
Rapparee 01 Dec 15 - 08:18 PM
gnu 01 Dec 15 - 06:03 PM
gnu 01 Dec 15 - 11:29 AM
Rapparee 01 Dec 15 - 09:00 AM
Rapparee 30 Nov 15 - 07:29 PM
Acme 30 Nov 15 - 07:16 PM
gnu 30 Nov 15 - 12:45 PM
Amos 30 Nov 15 - 10:38 AM
Rapparee 30 Nov 15 - 10:02 AM
Acme 29 Nov 15 - 09:10 PM
Acme 29 Nov 15 - 11:33 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 09:27 PM

gnu, stop fooling around and take some chances!! Have some excitement, man! Live it up a bit! You only go around once, you know (unless you believe in reincarnation, in which case it's what? twelve, fifteen time?)!

Eat a hot dog on white bread and have a regular Coke to wash it down.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 09:08 PM

I just ate a hot dog with mustard on a slice of whole wheat bread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 03:00 PM

Yes, it's a sad business, the slow slide into infirmity and mortal dissolution. Even I who once led thundering charges across bloodstained fields of martial fury, and woo'd many a fair damsel on many a fair night, am now reduced to crouching behind a cheap desk and conversing idly with distant acquaintances and complete strangers across a dusty computer keyboard and console! Oh, the tragic folly of it all!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 10:29 AM

I walked into an entrenched battery once and got the shock of my life.

But Amos is correct. Ever since I retired better than five years ago my life has been a constant descent physically, mentally, and morally. Well, maybe not morally, but I threw that in because I like double Ls. But where I used to blithefully run the five miles to work and the five back I can now barely get out of bed in the morning. Because of various surgeries I am now addicted to general anesthesia. The number of pills I have to take (thank goodness not Viagra!) has increased exponentially. When I go to shoot targets at the range I can barely lift my .22, much less place a round in the black any more. Rheumatism has forced me to give up placing my elbows on a wet bar. I no longer stand under the mistletoe as my lips, strengthened and exercised by years of trumpeting, are no longer as fit for it as they once were.

Alas! But my old friend Bill saw it coming:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 15 - 11:12 PM

The years are not kind to those who walk off from their trenches and batteries.   The crepuscule of our days moves in slowly, but will not be gainsaid, deterred, or hindered in its stealthy advance. Fortunately, we are, ourselves. working from positions well beyond the normal coils of space and time. How awful it would be, otherwise, at the dimming of the long day. As ity is, there are better laughs to come, no matter where you stand today.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 15 - 06:08 PM

Geez, I thought I would have heard of this happened to Eric. It must have been quite exciting!

As for that story, I cut and pasted the HTML and that's how it came out. I asked if it might be for fixed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Dec 15 - 03:03 PM

Hmm. I see that in my absence Rapparee has been trying to give Hector Ballsworthy a run for his money! :D Ballsworthy, of course, would never bother with a picayune story like that. He's only interested in writing such stories about the rich and famous of this world, knowing that that is what his readers want to hear about.

Here's a tip, Rap. You should have put that "news" story in RED font as well as making it really LARGE. Red font is a great eye catcher, and it might have pumped some life into what is a forgettable piece of hyperbole based on nothing but a lurid imagination.

In other news, this minor item appeared on an inner page of the Idaho State Journal on Dec 5th:

Library patrons were horrified to witness an unusual and as yet unexplained incident at an Idaho public library on December 4rth, when the chief librarian's trousers suddenly burst into flames as he was typing on a computer keyboard in one of the library administration offices. "It was really scary!" said Gladys Tightlips, one of the assistant librarians. "His pants just suddenly flared up in a huge burst of flame. I thought it must be a terrorist attack, so I dove behind my desk and called 911 as quickly as I could." The Fire Department arrived in minutes, but were able to do little, as library staff had managed to quell the flaming trousers themselves by that time by dragging the chief librarian outside and throwing him in the public fountain. Police are investigating this incident, but have no answers as yet, except to say that it was definitely not a terrorist attack. "What we may have here," said the local police chief, "is a case of spontaneous combustion...maybe some kind of spiritual visitation brought on by sinful behavior or something like that. I guess you could call it an act of God. Don't quote me on that, okay?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 15 - 12:58 PM

That number should be 55555. Sorry, but I still have dibs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 15 - 12:56 PM

So are you switching to IPv6? And having been there I can assure you that rewiring the city of Sandy Ego would be a snap compared to the insurance things.

Oh, yes. Another thing. After this post there will only be 1,999 more until we reach 5555 -- a number upon which I have DIBS!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 11:32 PM

Dang, this battle for immortal perfection is gettin' SERIOUS! I have spent three days watching my wife weed through the endless layers of bureaucracy connected with post-retirement health plans, dental plans, Medicare gaps and supplements and assorted sequelae. Never seen a thicker bed of BS in my Godforsaken life, I tell yaz!

Meanwhile I been putting up Xmas lights, swapping out the cable modem for an updated model, reconfiguring the network wiring, and fixxing the telebission so as we can watch the rest of our Friends reruns. There is NO rest for the wicked, but, on the other hand, virtue is its own damnation. Hard choices for soft hearts. Carry on, as you were.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 10:27 PM

Reminds me -- did you whack it good with the family Bible? Or did you just use a hammer?

There was a guy in Blind River who thought he make a ganglion cyst to away by hitting and his head disappeared. Nobody noticed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapparee (sans cookie for some reason)
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 04:18 PM

I've had several of them cysts, one of them cut out of my right hand by a surgeon. You could try wearing a wrist brace, one of those that look like a fingerless glove, and the compression/massage caused by your everyday activities might prevent a relapse. The gloves are cheap enough -- visit your drugstore -- and can't hurt.

Of course, that means another 'ran player on the loose....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 02:26 PM

MOM! The ganglion on my right wrist has burst! SOB has been hard as the nobs of hell for years. Last time it burst was years ago when I was swinging a hammer all day. Pissed me off when it came back with a vengeance after I played Rhan for a very short while. I guess it was the snow shovelling yesterday and I JUST noticed it. Anyway, now it's a slight soft "mass" barely visible. I am gonna just leave it be for a week and then... and then... try playing Hran again veeeeerrrry slow and easy like and I will say the rosary in St. Pat's honour before every practice. Probably should call on St. Jude too. >;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM

Excuse the below; I copied it from today's "Blind River Bulletin". I thought it might be of interest -- I hope some nice soul can fix the HTML.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 09:03 PM

Local Man Found In Love Nest With Chimpanzee!!

Blind River, Dec. 3: Shane McBride, was found today residing in a cabin just outside of town in what the RCMP described as "a love nest full of sex toys."

Responding to a report of someone disturbing the peace, two officers tracked the noise to a nearby cabin from which loud "metal music" could be heard a considerable distance away. After attempting the get someone to open the door, the officers believed they heard screams and broke the door down.

Inside they found McBride engaged in what was described only as "relations" with a chimpanzee later identified as an undocumented immigrate from the United States who gave the name "Chongo Chimp" from Chicago.

Further investigation found that Chimp was of indeterminate sex, as the police originally thought this also applied to McBride. Neither being the owner of the cabin they were taken into custody on charges of criminal trespass, disturbance of the peace, vandalism, and others. Chimp was also charged with illegal entry into Canada.

They are to appear in Court on Monday.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 PM

Okay, fine, so I'm delusional.

Now what? :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 01:58 PM

but it might result in Shane getting arrested by Homeland Security

You seriously think Homeland Security OR immigration folks would give him a green card to perform down here? You're delusional . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 01:35 PM

The power is still out at Sobeys so no squash with the roast chicken supper. Oh well, Mum will find squash a real treat come Kissmeass Day. I was gonna cook breaded sole... Friday eh?... but the chicken was fridge thawed perfectly and ya just don't go afoul of fowl in the thaw/roast protocol eh?

Sun/cloud, no wind and -4. No need to salt Mum's driveaway... just scrape the ice with my favourite ice scraping shovel though I did bust another piece off it today. NB ice be like, "Plastic? Seriously, a plastic shovel? Where the fuck you from? Calleeforneeah?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 10:47 AM

A solution without a problem!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 10:46 AM

What you clearly need to do is relocate the garage in California.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 09:25 AM

Connect the garage with the house! Geez, I have to think of everything around here mumblegrumble.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 AM

Back doors and garages cleared as well as a path to Mum's front steps. I like the hydrostatic drive in the Honda blower... works a treat. Only problem is having to shovel to get it out of the garage. The garage faces S30W so the biggest drift in the driveway is in front of the garage door.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 12:08 AM

ANd Gnu needs an alternate location on the equator...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 10:33 PM

Yeah, enuresis can cause that. All the bed bugs drown, but it does clean up Shame's throw-uppy stuff, not to mention the...well, Shame needs Depends.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 07:37 PM

Oooohhhhh... the weather outside is nasty.
There's wet snow and the wind is blasty.
The power goes bump bump bump bump
Let it suck let it suck let it suck.

Excerpt from the old Kissmeass Carol "Fuck I Hate Winter"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 12:10 PM

Very good, Amos! The question is, though, does Shane even bother to use sheets? Last thing I heard he was sleeping on a bare "Salivation Army mattress that me and Don drug upstairs cos I hadda throw out the last one after the New Years party, eh?" (to quote Shane)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 10:42 AM

The Sheet Stainers!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 09:59 AM

That's it, Noddy!

Shame McBride and His Wet Dreams!

And for that ugly Chongx -- pair it up with its sister Chinga for

Death Metal Sibs!

Chinga as drummer, Chongx as the drum.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 02:57 AM

Shane's nocturnal emission dream band?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 12:58 AM

Omigod! Marvelous stuff.

I REALLY like "The Bed Bugs"! "The Chimp Humpers" is pretty good too, but it might result in Shane getting arrested by Homeland Security and being brutally banana-boarded after Chongo gets elected. Still, that could be good publicity...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 12:51 AM

Dirty Shame and the Fecal Flingers. Shame and the Chump. The Void Between The Ears. The Brown Bananas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 11:01 PM

The Undetected Herpes! The Sullen Fisters! Shane and the Incompetent Fornicaters!
The Dry Hump Desperadoes! The Limp Willies! Slackalot McBride and the Useless Layabouts! Big Gaseous Cloud and the Ne'er-Do-Wells! The Chimp Humpers!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 09:50 PM

How about The Bed Bugs? Phossy Jaw? The Acromegalics? Irradiated Testes? The Brothers McBride?

I can think of lots of band names!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 09:32 PM

Those are all excellent ideas. This could be the spark that kickstarts Shane into a glorious, if repugnant career.

Or he might just go on bumming smokes, laying about in a drunken stupor, pestering the local women, and keeping the cops motivated...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 10:35 AM

Black Hairy Tongue would be a real winner. Or The Dead Wrong.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 10:15 AM

Black Hairy Tongues. I could get him a great gig in Rason, DPRK.

Picture him now: on stage at the Pipa Hotel, face painted a la Kiss (but way cooler!), spandex pants, no shirt, licking a microphone with his Black Hair Tongue cohorts backing on bass. Shame, of course, would be the drummer and lead singer, doubling on a Post-Modern Fender (custom made to his specs, of course), the light show and pyrotechnics behind and around him, women throwing themselves at him as his tour "Rason To ROCK!!" takes off.

I'll even toss in some money to make the tour a go.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 05:06 AM

The Armedpits.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 03:29 AM

Shane still has dreams of becoming a heavy metal rock star and fronting a very loud and offensive band that will tour all over the world offending people, gaining hordes of moronic fans, etc...the usual thing. The only things standing in his way are: An almost total lack of musical talent. Extreme laziness. A lack of funds and equipment. No idea of how to start. An inability to set realistic priorities. And he has not yet decided on the right name for the band.

Any ideas out there on what would be a good name for Shane's dream band?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 10:31 PM

I think Ross River Fever would be a GREAT name for an old-time music band. Don't you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 08:18 PM

You act like it might snow. New Brunswick, as we all know, has benefited by Global Climate Warming and Change and enjoys a lush, tropical climate similar to that of Hawai'i the year around. Or perhaps Panama before the canal: Yellow Fever, malaria, dengue fever, clap, schistosomiosis, cholera, tuberculosis, spontaneous amputation, guinea worm, silicosis, measles, pertussis, Ross River fever, coccidioidomycosis, HFMD, infectious pododermatitis, black hairy tongue, and similar musical groups.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 06:03 PM

Snowblower gassed up? check. Lined leather work gloves, snow pants and parka in position? Check. Long handled aluminium shovel in position? Check. Big lined rubber boots near back door? Check. Plastic push shovel tied with bungee cord to back steps railing? Check. Generator on charger? Check. Portable power packs charged? Overnight bag for Mum's packed? Check. Fridge stocked with beer? FUCK ME! 9:55 AM... beer run! Proper planning prevents piss poor performance, I always say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 11:29 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u06DpcFXc4U


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 09:00 AM

As I said to Ian, who owns the electronics store "Tubes" here, "Christmas is coming! Geez, it's Fall; open Ian's Tubes." He explained that he needed some quick cash because his Tubs were tied up in a court case, so I said to Dave, "You stake Ian's Tubes!" Ian sold enough radio parts to start delivering stuff himself, and now you can see his brown Kia all over town. Dave, a real old-fashioned hepcat, said to me just yesterday, "Yer'r reet ter give ol' Ian some help, even if it was my bread you gave him! Slip me five, man!"

As for the tubes that LED us down the primrose path, see this. And I suggest that you share it with friends who might be affected.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 07:29 PM

Seems like the local distributor wasn't told there was a recall on the tubes. A bad driver in the tube -- the local shop is picking up all costs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 07:16 PM

Heh. Big shot . . .

It is a good thing, though, to fix the lighting before it burns down the house.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 12:45 PM

Well played!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 10:38 AM

I suppose new tubes makes a vas deferens in those parts, huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 10:02 AM

No, under the bad lights. Saturday I called the electrician who installed our new, energy saving, LED "fluorescent" tubes. Of the 12 tubes in the kitchen only 4 were working and those in different fixtures. He decided that "there were big things wrong" and came by yesterday morning.

Wow! The tubes had not just burned out very prematurely, they had literally split and melted (and LEDs don't put out heat!). The covers and the fixtures were literally scorched in a couple of places. And when we went to check one in my orifice and Pat's office one tube of four in each was bad in the new, never before used, fixtures.

He, his son and helper, and both of us, were shook. He and the kid took off to talk with the supplier, who said that it was ALL a warranty issue, who opened the shop and gave them what tubes he had, and said again it was warrantied and to make the work right.

It appears that there were two sets of tubes and it was those in the first batch that were bad -- the second batch had different part numbers and the ones yesterday still different ones. The electrician is coming back today to do a full-house scan.

As electrifying and shocking as it may seem, Shame did not (could not!) drink me under any table real or metaphoric. Shame could drink my old second grade teacher, Sister Angela Merici, under the table and she'd been teaching for at least half a century and was one of the original women who followed John the Baptist before he lost his head over a hootchy-kootchy dancer. Shame can, however, drink himself under that table with just the smell of Kool-Aid or orange juice or even water (preferably from the bottom of a fetid and festering pool from the water treatment plant).

I don't have the stomach right now to discuss that Typhoid Monkey, Chongx.

The new tubes were put in


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Nov 15 - 09:10 PM

Did Shane get the better of all of you? Are you all in the hoosegow after trying to drink him under the table? MOM, let's turn on some lights and fix dinner. More Thanksgiving leftovers?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Nov 15 - 11:33 AM

The Society for the Protection of Under-appreciated Doughnuts (SPUD) is going to blacklist this thread if you're not careful.


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