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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 25 Oct 15 - 11:19 AM
Amos 24 Oct 15 - 10:58 PM
Rapparee 24 Oct 15 - 10:53 PM
Rapparee 24 Oct 15 - 10:51 PM
gnu 24 Oct 15 - 04:40 PM
Rapparee 24 Oct 15 - 02:48 PM
Amos 24 Oct 15 - 10:01 AM
Amos 24 Oct 15 - 12:09 AM
Rapparee 23 Oct 15 - 01:03 PM
Amos 23 Oct 15 - 01:21 AM
Rapparee 22 Oct 15 - 09:35 PM
gnu 22 Oct 15 - 08:56 PM
Rapparee 22 Oct 15 - 08:15 PM
Rapparee 22 Oct 15 - 09:52 AM
Rapparee 22 Oct 15 - 09:50 AM
Amos 21 Oct 15 - 11:19 PM
Rapparee 21 Oct 15 - 10:17 PM
Rapparee 21 Oct 15 - 03:05 PM
Amos 21 Oct 15 - 11:59 AM
Rapparee 21 Oct 15 - 10:52 AM
Rapparee 21 Oct 15 - 10:31 AM
Amos 21 Oct 15 - 12:42 AM
Rapparee 20 Oct 15 - 10:36 PM
Rapparee 20 Oct 15 - 01:00 PM
GUEST, ^*^ 20 Oct 15 - 10:32 AM
Rapparee 20 Oct 15 - 08:54 AM
gnu 20 Oct 15 - 07:50 AM
Amos 19 Oct 15 - 11:26 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 15 - 09:29 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 15 - 09:29 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 15 - 09:23 PM
gnu 19 Oct 15 - 09:05 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 15 - 08:55 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 15 - 06:24 PM
gnu 19 Oct 15 - 04:51 PM
Amos 19 Oct 15 - 10:46 AM
Rapparee 19 Oct 15 - 09:24 AM
Amos 18 Oct 15 - 11:33 PM
Rapparee 18 Oct 15 - 09:37 PM
GUEST,Lord R. 18 Oct 15 - 06:33 PM
gnu 18 Oct 15 - 04:18 PM
Amos 18 Oct 15 - 04:13 PM
GUEST,Lord Rapparee 18 Oct 15 - 02:26 PM
Amos 18 Oct 15 - 02:23 PM
Ebbie 18 Oct 15 - 01:08 PM
Acme 18 Oct 15 - 10:56 AM
Rapparee 17 Oct 15 - 10:07 PM
Amos 17 Oct 15 - 07:21 PM
Amos 17 Oct 15 - 01:08 PM
Rapparee 16 Oct 15 - 09:05 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Oct 15 - 11:19 AM

That was one smart amoral deppidy, Mister R.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 10:58 PM

Who would by a ballpoint that makes you pregnant, after all? Better buy a fountain pen that spills its seed on the ground.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 10:53 PM

A Mexican bandit held up a bank in Tucson. The sheriff and his deputy chased him. When they captured him, and the sheriff, who couldn't speak Spanish, asked him where he'd hidden the money. "No se nada," he replied.

The sheriff put a gun to the bandit's head and said to his bi-lingual deputy: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the money is right now, I'll blow his brains out."

Upon receiving the translation, the bandit became very animated. "Ya me acuerdo! Tienen que caminar tres cuadradas hasta ese gran arbol. Debajo del arbol, alli esta el dinero."

The sheriff leaned forward. "Yeah? Well..?"
The deputy replied: "He says he wants to die like a man."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 10:51 PM

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".

Bank Caixa Econômica Federal in Brazil offered in an advertisment "HOT MONEY" (in english), obviously unaware of the fact that hot money means "Stolen Money" in normal slang.

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 04:40 PM

Some salvation is better than none.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 02:48 PM

The young woman, obviously pregnant, came into the Emergency Room.

"Can I help you?" asked a nurse.

"Wouldn't. Couldn't." replied the woman.

"I don't understand."

"Can't. Won't. Don't." said the woman.

At this point a doctor came in and asked what was going on. The nurse told him, and the doctor said, "Get her in here right away! She's having contractions!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 10:01 AM

Mom says I am going too far, over the top, out of line, beyond the pale, over the moon, and outta sight. I told her to stop trying to preposition me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 12:09 AM

You are far too old to be hiding behind her skirts, you sotted reprobate, It is time for you to man uo--nay SENIOR man up--and own what you have done, and what you have fecklessly rationalized like a frothing cur.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Oct 15 - 01:03 PM

My mother incorriged me. She gave me lots of incorriment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Oct 15 - 01:21 AM

IT's no good justifying your rudeness with condescension and sarcasm, Rapp. It just compounds the offense and extends your sentence of servitude exponentially. There's no miscreant like an incorrigible miscreant.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 09:35 PM

Surgery removing a pilar cyst.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 08:56 PM

So, why do you have another hole in your head, Rap? Too much, ahhh, errr, knowledge in there creating a "pressure"?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 08:15 PM

Well, I have a hole in the top of my head. It's sutured shut, but we went to dinner after the surgery and the wind was blowing. You know how an empty bottle sounds when you blow across the top? Well, I was just walking along to the restaurant and was told to stop doing that. When I put my hat on it stopped.

(Amos, you'll have to translate this yourself. Arapaho would be a good choice.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 09:52 AM

Oops again! Sorry, Amos, I forgot the translation.

At 4 p.m. today I've an appointment to get my head pierced.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 09:50 AM

At 4 p.m. today I've an appointment to get my head pierced.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 11:19 PM

Gets teejus,, don't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 10:17 PM

Mən ingilis dilinə şeyi tərcüməçilər tərəfindən oxucuların kəşfiyyat təhqir deyil tədris edilmişdir. Bu ədəbiyyat, dram, ilahiyyat, informatika, kitabxana, elm, fəlsəfə və tarix, həm də bakalavr iş və magistr iş idi.

Amma artıq bu cür realms yaşayan və bundan sonra, adətən tərcümə daxildir.

(I forgot to do this earlier. Bu əvvəllər bunu unuttum.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 03:05 PM

I was taught not to insult the intelligence of readers by translating things into English. This was in both undergraduate work and graduate work in literature, drama, theology, information science, library science, philosophy, and history.

But I no longer inhabit such realms and will, henceforth, usually include a translation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 11:59 AM

When you have something to say, why yes. That is, if you intend to communicate rather than to merely act out an overweening condescension. While your scholarship may be rambunctious, your consideration of others falls woefully short.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 10:52 AM

Amos, were I discussing, say, Basque poetry of the early Christian epoch, such as

lelo. yl lelo
lelo. yl lelo;
leloa çarat
il leloa.

Romaco armac
aleguin eta
Vizcayac daroa
Zanzoa.


surely you wouldn't want me to insult you by translating it into English, would you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 10:31 AM

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens.

If you can read the above, thank someone who teaches German. If you can read my previous post, thank someone who teaches Latin. If you can read this, be glad you're literate in, at least, American English.

Unlike those at the Legion Hovel, who can (mostly) grunt and say, "Beer" or "Mad Dog" or "Whiskey." Sometimes they will say something like "Pickled pig's tail" or "Hog rinds" if they're hungry. Panhandle Slim was tossed out the other night for reading a book. It was "Goodnight Moon" and the others were afraid he'd give them a goodnight moon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 12:42 AM

Dear old Booqueman--obscurity at any price.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 10:36 PM

Quand fabae nobis modium farrisue dedisti, cum tua Niliacus rura colonus aret? Quando brevis gelidae missa est toga tempore brummae? Argenti venit quando selibra mihi? Nil aluid video quo te credamus amicum quam quod me coram perdere soles.
                     --Martial, Epigrams, X.15


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 01:00 PM

Nope. The old freezers are still buried. Do you think George the Kid and Hoppin' Harper need a hideout? I could be convinced to let them use one each and then close the lids -- permanently.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST, ^*^
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 10:32 AM

We heard the election news clear down here in Tejas, that Harper is out. He was referred to in one article as the political vestiges of Baby Bush.

Did you ever get rid of those fridges under the porch, Rap?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 08:54 AM

So the Greens and the NDP work with the Liberals to keep the lid on the Conservatives. They'll have their differences, but Keeping Harper Down is the best idea, no?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 07:50 AM

Better, yes. Best, no.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 11:26 PM

Trudeau has swept the field across the boards. Better?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:29 PM

53335.

Told you I had dibs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:29 PM

You want HARPER in again??? Trudeau might not be the best, but better than Harper.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:23 PM

What are you smoking? The Liberals are elected in 30 ridings and lead in 3 more. Atlantic Canada is going Liberal. Right now the NDP had 17.4% of the vote, the Conservatives 18.3, and the Liberals 59.8.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:05 PM

Good Lard! Oh me Dog! She's RED RED RED all across Atlantic Canada. Fucks my retirement plans up if this keeps up. Sweet Jaysus H.! How could... oh yeah... strategic voting and fear mongering and an uneducated voting pubically challenged electorate. Looks like Canuckistan may get fucked yet again. Ten years of this shit... 147 years in total of this fuckin bullshit save Tommy and Lester.

I am sad.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 08:55 PM

Except for Moncton it looks like the Maritimes will go Liberal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 06:24 PM

Simply address me as "Dominus et deus meus".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 04:51 PM

A... both of you were a treat. The viewing of Gabe's art on the internUt was astounding, to say the least. Being picked as the sole artist on the expedition to Antarctica among 50 eminent scientists impressed the fuck out of this little black duck. His art is treasure. Runs in the family I guess.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 10:46 AM

My sympathies/ We can offer you the Early Decedence option, or you can recover. Your lordship is still in doubt, however: Earle Brokebottom, or the Duke of Privy?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:24 AM

I can barely creep and crawl to the necessary room this morning. Oh, that I wasn't such a wonderful person! Oh, that I hadn't done all that lifting in my secret identity as a mild-mannered retired librarian! And my massage therapist off on bed rest because it's only a couple weeks until her baby arrives (she spiked into pre-eclampsia over the weekend).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 11:33 PM

It is etched as well in both out memories, good Gnu--my cousin Gabe still asks after you.After several beers I think I was less concerned about fit than about comfort. Gabe is a hardier breed of mariner than I am. But it turned out excellent.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 09:37 PM

Well, it was interesting.

Since we moved here -- twelve years ago -- there has been a thing under the pipe that delivers the condensate from the furnace to the outdoors. It has been slowly deteriorating and frankly, it was just plain ugly. Painted white, it was sort of a homemade multilevel planter.

But because it was located in a spot that is difficult to work in and because it wasn't eating much or hurting anything and was pretty well hidden from view we didn't do anything.

This afternoon I was working in the yard. I moved some things back to the storage area and as I turned to return to work the back of the damned thing broke away and started to roll towards me.

I stopped it with my own two bare hands, and believe me, it was heavy! After I recovered somewhat -- I could have been hurt! -- I took a three pound cross-peen hammer to it, put the parts in the trash bin, and tried to move the bin.

There must be a couple hundred pounds of concrete in there, and I salvaged part of the succulents that were growing in the thing! It was a deuce of a time rolling that bin through the grass and uphill to concrete driveway, but I got 'er done.

Remind me not to bust up a couple hundred pounds of concrete and then move it. I'm pretty sore!

Gee, Friday I helped unload 375 pounds of fiberglass composite columns. So in the last three days I'm moved better than a quarter-ton of stuff I don't ordinarily move. I wonder if I can leap tall buildings in single bound.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Lord R.
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 06:33 PM

Lord of all I survey, if it's okay with Pat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 04:18 PM

"I am not fairly tall, although I freely admit to feeling tall."

As well you should. Your post minds me of your visit to my humble abode. When it came time to sack out, I indicated your cousin would have the living room couch and you would occupy the bed in the basement. You asked, "Is it a real bed?" I replied, after looking you up and down, "You'll fit." The look on your face is etched in my mind. Of course, it did fit you well... a nice double bed and even your own washroom. Really good music too... >;-) I will never forget the "music" after you lads retired (I wrote a short story about that night.).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 04:13 PM

Maybe Ebbie was referring to the spiritual state of your ex-hair, Rapp. And isn't there a law against accepting titles from other governments, OR imitating an officer? Exactly of what do you see yourself a Lord?

A. Gadfly


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Lord Rapparee
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 02:26 PM

Couldn't be me. Been blonde all my life, except the spots that have turned white from terror. Musta been Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 02:23 PM

There's only one fairly tall man who has access to Mom's sanctum. ANd his alibi is that "he was traveling". I am not fairly tall, although I freely admit to feeling tall.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 01:08 PM

"...where Ebbie carved her initials in that really old mahogany sideboard thing you like..."
: Rapparee - PM
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 09:38 AM

No, no, no! 'Twarn't me. 'Tis a calumny you perpetrate. Check the security film. I believe it will show you the malfeasing culprit was a fairly tall man with hair that used to be dark, with a fairly long knife to hand.

sheesh. Turn your back for a minute and rumor sprouts and springs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 10:56 AM

Soon MOM will be able to simply leave the windows open and not have to go outside to feel the cool fresh air.

It is okra and eggplant weather. And the tomatoes are producing, if I can find them in the tall grass before they fall off of the plants. In other words, in my kitchen it's time for CASSEROLES!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 10:07 PM

That's Mom for you. Give her a warm day, soft grass, the scent of flowers drifting on a wayward breeze and she becomes like the breeze.

Here it was sunny and in the upper 70s. The carpenters came to install the handrail to the basement, only to find that transporting it ruined the join and it had to be done over. So there's sixteen feet of fine red oak on the patio under the deck, clamped and with the glue drying and setting about the doweled join. Early next week it goes in.

Our four columns will be replaced as well. The replacements came yesterday; they are a fiberglass composite, load bearing up to 5,000 pounds each for a place that is supposed to be self-supporting. But having the front of you house fall down is an embarrassment I don't chose to undertake.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:21 PM

The day has warmed up and mom has thrown off her hand-knit Orkney shawl and her long night=gown and has dashed out onto the veranda behind the hedgerow in just her knickers and her delicates. Fortunately, the hedgerow keeps out prying eyes. I am going to lure her back indoors with a snifter, her irresistible bait of choice.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 01:08 PM

Here the skies have grayed over, sheltering the city from an invisible grueling sun. When these clouds lift, later today, we will be simmering in a comfortable 75-degree heat, while the news reports the first snowfalls of winter in the Midwest. It is a Saturday, the sort of day where the working world doesn't mind sleeping in, recovering from the pressures of the week. The exceptions--the curious early risers, or those who are not chained to calendars--sweep along the dawn streets quietly, their appearances are sporadic as lightning strokes in spring. While the day's light is still only a half-promise, Maggie and I are afield, playing gallop and catch with a tennis ball. She is soaked from the wet grass, but she delights in it after a boring night in-house. The houses we pass on our way home are mostly still asleep, but there is one little cottage where the lights are on and someone is stirring in the kitchen behind the window.

Maggie approves of the faint whiff of bacon as we walk by on the quiet sidewalk. She has no idea, and does not care, that the cottage that sends out such fine aromas is the home of no less a personage than Lillian McClure. Lillian McClure! She who was once the most famous madame in Nevada; she who left everything she had to follow her heart's love for an alcoholic gambler. She, also, who scraped her life back together when he died of cirrhosis by writing her true confessions in a book and selling William Cody's Peacemaker, which she had accepted forty years earlier as payment in kind for services received.

But, as I say, it is the smell of today's bacon, not yesterday's history, which pleaseth today's dog.

So we stroll on and go home to dry off.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 09:05 PM

It was a sunny day here, and I strolled down dusty Main Street. Past the Bourbon Barrel Saloon, past Dr. Bean's Drug Store, past the Fivemile Saloon.

And there he was. Waiting, his sawed-off 10 gauge in hand. I could smell the whiskey on him from where I was. Dirty he was also; he hadn't has his annual bath for a couple of years.

I cranked a round into my Winchester and shouted his name. He turned, a growl on his lips. The Greener came up and it was like looking down two three-foot sewer pipes. Then it roared and he was, briefly, obscured by the smoke.

I wasn't hit, and I raised the Winchester. My first shot spun the shotgun out of his hand and the second tore the buttons off his suspenders.

His pants fell around his feet as he stood there, holding his wrist.

I levered in another round. The 92 was still aimed dead at him and he fell to his knees, pleading for his scummy life. He looked ridiculous kneeling there in the middle of the street, each knee planted squarely in the middle of the leavings of a passing horse, begging and sobbing like a kid whose favorite toy was broken.

I lowered the rifle and he went for his Colt. Before he could get a shot off I has hip-shot and the equalizer flew from his hand. Now was the time for killing.

I didn't. I walked over and said, "Next time, don't try a shotgun at 300 yards. You couldn't hit the side of a barn from the inside anyway" and kicked the scattergun across the street and into a tub of cement mixture.

And I left him there, his six-shooter crammed up his...no, can't say that in a Western. I just took his guns away.


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