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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

gnu 18 Sep 16 - 02:02 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 16 - 01:22 PM
MMario 18 Sep 16 - 12:27 PM
Acme 18 Sep 16 - 11:02 AM
gnu 17 Sep 16 - 12:26 PM
gnu 17 Sep 16 - 12:13 PM
gnu 17 Sep 16 - 11:58 AM
Rapparee 17 Sep 16 - 10:34 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Sep 16 - 10:22 AM
Rapparee 16 Sep 16 - 09:29 PM
gnu 16 Sep 16 - 01:48 PM
Acme 16 Sep 16 - 10:45 AM
Rapparee 16 Sep 16 - 09:37 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Sep 16 - 09:35 AM
gnu 16 Sep 16 - 08:46 AM
MMario 16 Sep 16 - 05:39 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 16 - 10:10 PM
gnu 15 Sep 16 - 11:34 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Sep 16 - 10:58 AM
gnu 14 Sep 16 - 11:56 AM
Rapparee 13 Sep 16 - 10:28 PM
Donuel 13 Sep 16 - 06:15 PM
gnu 13 Sep 16 - 12:57 PM
Rapparee 13 Sep 16 - 09:52 AM
Rapparee 12 Sep 16 - 10:04 PM
gnu 12 Sep 16 - 02:19 PM
Rapparee 12 Sep 16 - 08:37 AM
Rapparee 11 Sep 16 - 09:23 PM
gnu 11 Sep 16 - 01:39 PM
Rapparee 10 Sep 16 - 10:12 PM
gnu 10 Sep 16 - 01:14 PM
Acme 10 Sep 16 - 12:29 PM
Rapparee 10 Sep 16 - 09:52 AM
Amos 09 Sep 16 - 10:39 AM
Rapparee 09 Sep 16 - 09:49 AM
Rapparee 08 Sep 16 - 07:17 PM
Rapparee 07 Sep 16 - 08:16 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Sep 16 - 05:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Sep 16 - 04:42 PM
Rapparee 07 Sep 16 - 11:51 AM
Amos 07 Sep 16 - 02:08 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Sep 16 - 11:11 AM
Rapparee 06 Sep 16 - 09:27 AM
Janie 05 Sep 16 - 11:19 PM
Rapparee 05 Sep 16 - 10:06 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Sep 16 - 02:12 PM
Acme 05 Sep 16 - 12:30 PM
Rapparee 05 Sep 16 - 10:08 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Sep 16 - 07:21 PM
Rapparee 04 Sep 16 - 02:33 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 18 Sep 16 - 02:02 PM

A case of rye. Check. A case of rum. Check. Mix. Check. Beerssss. Check. More grub than four men can eat in a week. Check. Licences. Check. Guns. Check. Bullets. Check. Sharp/dull knives. Check/check. Compass and maps? Check. Pepper. Check. Someone who can actually call moose (he never learned even though I called a lot of 'em in for fun while he was with me). Check.

I went through my buddy's list with him yesterday. He's got most of the essentials correct. He's never been in charge of logistics, recon, and support services and supplies before. I mean, string? Seriously, he forgot string... butcher cord. WTF? A first aid kit with slings? A splint? A Jeepjack... more than one come-along... more than one block pulley... whistle... waterproof matches... the list goes on. Unfortunately, he just hasn't got the time to put it all together now but, as long as he has the essentials, he'll be okay.

Kids these days, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 16 - 01:22 PM

Aw, gnu's got him a sweet tomato, a cute little ladybug.   She uses a cane on one side and he uses one on the other and down the lane they hobble, all balanced and everything.

Beware! She might be an early girl, but you deserve a better girl! She's got them Roma eyes!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 16 - 12:27 PM

"will find that your health is quickly deteriorating just as your finances are dwindling."

One reason I Did NOT wait until 65 to untire.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 16 - 11:02 AM

Looks like both MMario and Gnu will be on Mudcat less, because romance is equally distracting as untirement.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Sep 16 - 12:26 PM

FYI... TLL brought back 6 Kumatos, one of which is green. She said, in her sweet, soft voice, some of her friends like them green or ripe and that the green ones are also sweet. I guess she hangs out with people that swing both ways.

Knock it off, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Sep 16 - 12:13 PM

Oh! Yeah! Fifteen years ago today, I woke up to millions and millions of cardboard boxes in my new-to-me house next door to Mum and started unpacking. I really should get around to unpacking the rest of them.

Gary and Ladybug Lady
Sitting in a tree
K I S S I N G
First comes love and...

KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Sep 16 - 11:58 AM

Gary's got a girlfriend... Gary's got a girlfriend. I can see it coming. Well, I don't! She just has sweet tomatoes. Kumatos to be exact. Remember the Ladybug Lady? Showed up at my door and wanted to know what those "long tomatoes" are. Roma. I picked a ripe one and gave it to her. I'da given her more but there was only one ripe one.

She asked me if I knew what a Kumato is ('Kumato' is a trade name given to a patented cultivar of tomato developed in Spain called 'Olmeca', which went by experimental number SX 387. 'Kumato' is a standard-size tomato cultivar weighing between 80 and 120 grams). Nope. She explained and asked if I wanted some. I said I'd like to try one. She asked if Mum might like to try one. Yes. Off she went. I put about 15 Sweet 100 Cherry tomatoes in a baggy and tried to make it back to the yard so she wouldn't have to hobble (cane) up and down the small hill at yard's end but she was already back.

She has beautiful blues eyes like I have except hers are not red from the copious nights of unbridled drunken debauchery and mayhem, lo these many years. NO! I do NOT have a girlfriend. I can't wait to try her sweet tomatoes. I am sure she'll like my sweet tomatoes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 16 - 10:34 AM

Bear in mind that every number ending in "55" for the next 1,000 posts is MINE! I have dibs!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Sep 16 - 10:22 AM

We now must face the distinct possibility that MMario's untirement may mean the end of his posting BS at the Mudcat in general, and at the MOAB in particular.

A study by the Poo Research Center has shown that being bored at work is the #1 reason for Mudcat BS posting. Removing work and work-related boredom from the equation leaves the vast majority of well-balanced individuals with no earthly reason whatsoever to waste their time posting BS.

The fact that the majority of regular MOAB posters are either untired or semi-untired in no way contradicts the survey's results since the term "well-balanced" cannot reasonably be applied to any of them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 16 - 09:29 PM

Now you, MMario, will find that your health is quickly deteriorating just as your finances are dwindling. However, you will have more free time for surgery, so there's some good news. Naturally, you'll want to keep your mind sharp so watch a lot of Fox News and ESPN. I urge you to keep your joint flexible, so start with your fingers and take up the banjo -- for a better overall workout the accordion can't be beat. Remember to...something....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Sep 16 - 01:48 PM

I was gonna try to wait until 4:30 Pm, Mudcat Time but I don't wanna be remiss in missing it so...

CONGRATULATIONS! Welcome to a fuxed income, Leo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 16 - 10:45 AM

Congratulations, Leo! Here, the ability exists, but the financial wherewithal doesn't. Will you now begin traveling around the US to meet all of MOM's children? Please come through Texas!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 16 - 09:37 AM

MMario seems kind of newsy today. He should be aware that "retired" means that that you are tired again and/or that you have purchased or otherwise procured new round rubbery things for the wheels of your vehicle. Should he mean that he has quit the workaday fray, and should then be invited to go back to work he would be a retired retired retired retread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The MotMMario,her of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Sep 16 - 09:35 AM

I'm confused about this "retirement" thing. In common English usage, the prefix "re" means to do again. Right? Therefore, to "retire" means to "tire again". Yet, when we conclude our working lives, we are said to "retire". So, when we leave our jobs because we're tired of working, we retire and get tired all over again! It makes no sense! Wouldn't it be more logical to "untire" instead of "retire"? I think so.

Happy untirement, MMario!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Sep 16 - 08:46 AM

3.75# of green beans, spuds, carrots, cabbage, 3.7kg smoked pork picnic shoulder. Then, I slept until 8AM today. Didn't take my blood pressure this AM. No need to raise it any higher.

4C when I got up. That'll get the mooze movin'.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 16 Sep 16 - 05:39 AM

At 4:30 Pm, Mudcat Time, I will be retired.


That is all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 16 - 10:10 PM

That was actually quite beyond The Pale. However, there are Moher Cliffs to be seen in the Clare air than there are dingleberries to be found in Dingle. I know, I've been to both -- I even tried with a young colleen in the Con Her Pass, but I got a good Dunquin instead and had to be carried back in a Blasket, a real Blasket case.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 Sep 16 - 11:34 AM

BWL... well done!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Sep 16 - 10:58 AM

Then there are the Danes who settled in Country Clare, Ireland. Clare Danes are well know for their acting abilities.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Sep 16 - 11:56 AM

Depends on the Schnapps.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Sep 16 - 10:28 PM

It's not so much the Danes as in Denmark as the Danes as in sea raiders. I think Canada should just give them Newfoundland back and tell them to leave Nunavut alone. But the Greenland problem persists.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Sep 16 - 06:15 PM

http://www.npr.org/2016/09/08/493157938/come-from-away-musical-tells-story-of-resilience-after-9-11

Funniest song from Newfoundland of an incident that sounds like gnu was part of.

Press play and listen


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 13 Sep 16 - 12:57 PM

The Danes? We'll have Nunavut. We'll put The Rangers on Margie's ass.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Sep 16 - 09:52 AM

Came out okay, I guess, but what's going to happen in Nunavut is anyone's guess. I mean, with that Greenland connection and all I wonder what Denmark will do.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Sep 16 - 10:04 PM

Terrific stuff, no?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Sep 16 - 02:19 PM

None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Sep 16 - 08:37 AM

Didja hear the news?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Sep 16 - 09:23 PM

So sorry, old bean, but like 142 other countries (including Russia, China, and the DPRK) the US isn't a party to the Ottawa Treaty.

Speaking, however, as one who has seen the damage anti-personnel mines can do I must say I'm against them.

Speaking as a former Infantryman, I'm all for anything that gives me an edge up on people who are trying to kill me. This includes land mines, napalm, flame throwers, fougasse, claymore mines, punji stakes, poison gas, flechette rounds, drangon's breath, and lots of other stuff. I'm even in favor of our side using halitosis and not using deodorant if it helps.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Sep 16 - 01:39 PM

"Just as with the VS-MK2 (33 gram explosive charge), SB-33 (35 gram charge) or PMA-3 (35 gram charge), the 29 grams of high explosive in an M14 mine is quite small because it is specifically designed to disable victims, not kill them." Full metal jacket kinda stuff, eh? Geneva RULES, man!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Sep 16 - 10:12 PM

Got a neighbor you don't like? How about in front of the cop shop? Or a local biker bar? Perhaps use a metal pole or stand and wire it to 220? Put a concealed rat trap or six around the base?

Until gnu, I prefer the M-14 "Toe popper." It's more selective. Or put the sign on the property line and let 'em guess whose it is.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Sep 16 - 01:14 PM

Claymores and razor wire. Now, if you can afford snipers, even better as the first suggestions don't discriminate between vandals and stray animals or small children.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Sep 16 - 12:29 PM

MOM wants to put political signs in the yard, but has heard that supporters of one party are misbehaving and vandalizing said signs, and the houses behind them. The trick is to place the signs where 1) vandals can't reach them and 2) so they don't know whose house they belong to.

Any ideas?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Sep 16 - 09:52 AM

Once again I find Mom teetering on the edge of oblivion, and her stone cold sober this time."Ochoon," she was bewailing her children's lack of help, "Ochoon!"

"What did I have?" said this fine old woman. "What did I have?" this proud old woman did say. "I had four green fields, in which all my children did play! But they all strayed and left me alone! Except for Rapparee, and that's why he's my favorite, and my four green fields are filled with his love," said she.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 16 - 10:39 AM

Thanks God for Rapparee! Or vice-versa. Meh. Whatever.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Sep 16 - 09:49 AM

Alas, poor Mother! I knew her, my sibs: a woman of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: she hath borne me on her back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my siblings' chamber, and tell them, let them paint an inch thick, to this favour they must
come; make them laugh at that. And I, I alone, came last eve and this morn, to raise her up to her rightful place!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Sep 16 - 07:17 PM

Ach, du lieber! Die Mutter ist den ganzen Weg hinunter in den Keller! Gott sei Dank war ich um sie herum, um wieder nach oben!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Sep 16 - 08:16 PM

That's a true fact, and I'm surprised The Onion printed it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Sep 16 - 05:33 PM

Stolen from The Onion....

Fun Fact:

Wyoming is roughly the size of two states about half the size of Wyoming.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Sep 16 - 04:42 PM

The largest "What The Fuck!" I ever caught was what I believed to be a bale of Marijuana. This was back in the mid-1980s when northern Gulf Coast beaches were favorite transfer points for South and Central American smugglers, stories of contraband being tossed overboard while being pursued by Customs officials were common, and "beachcombing for bales" was a favorite recreational activity among a certain subset of the population. Anyway, I spotted a large burlap-wrapped something floating in Escambia Bay while I was fishing from the old fishing pier. As the bale came floating by, I snagged it with my handy rope gaff and hauled it up onto the pier, whereupon I discovered it was actually a large bag of very soggy flour. That discovery was rapidly followed by a huge "What The Fuck!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Sep 16 - 11:51 AM

Just because I know Amos can't turn down a seafaring challenge. And I am certain that Amos will take up the challenge, considering who he's visiting. Then when he gets to Getaway he'll brag and boast about it until everyone gets thoroughly sick of it and Kendall and Jacqui toss him into Chesapeake Bay. Amos will swim to shore (unless he loses his sense of direction again) and boast about how fast he can swim. The whole Getaway crowd will then cram him into a canvas sack with several cannon balls in the bottom, tie the top shut, and threaten to bury him at sea. Amos will repent and after he's set free he'll write a song about how he survived being buried alive at sea. However, by the time it's finished Getaway will be over, the post-partum gatherings around the DC area finished, and Amos will have missed his plane.

This happens every single year. I've been there to see it. It's not pretty (but it can be funny).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Sep 16 - 02:08 AM

"Largest "WHat da Fuck !" on record Caught by Local Clergyman on Day-Fishing Trip!""

Yeah, a little whitewashing goes a long way in the fish world.

I leave on Saturday for a visit to sunny Portland Maine. Yes, I know it is September but I am going to visit someone named Rebecca, so it's all right. Als someone named Kendall and someone named Jacqui, just for a bit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Sep 16 - 11:11 AM

I suspect the fish was named after the exclamation. Wahoos can weigh over 100 pounds and can swim at around 60 MPH. Having a fish that big swimming that fast on the end of your fishing line will definitely produce a loud exclamation of some sort. "Wahoo!" is one of the more socially acceptable of such exclamations. Naming a fish "Holy Fucking Shit!" might be met by a bit of social resistance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Sep 16 - 09:27 AM

I'm pretty sure a wahoo is a fish. Yes, it is: a scrombrid called, scientifically, Acanthocybium solandri. Why were these ladies calling for a fish?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 05 Sep 16 - 11:19 PM

"Oh, what did Miss Cleopatra say to Antony when they met?
She hollered Wah-Hoo! Wah-Hoo! WAH-HOO!
Oh, what did that roaming Romeo yell to Miss Juliet?
He hollered Wah-Hoo! Wah-Hoo! WAH-HOO!
It started way back in Eden
And Eve was the cause, and it's no fib,
She wahooed Adam for a rib.
Oh, what did Miss Pocahontas yell the minute she saw John Smith?
She hollered Wah-Hoo! Wah-Hoo! WAH-HOO!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Sep 16 - 10:06 PM

Oh, liebe Mutter! Bitte komm mit mir! Alle haben dich verlassen, aber ich werde Sie sicher und heisser und gut halten. Hier, haben einige Schnaps.

Well, the "owner" of the team has been missing since the team showed up. There has been an emergency call for Preparation H, however.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Sep 16 - 02:12 PM

Our baseball team is called the Blue Wahoos. A wahoo is a large pelagic fish in the mackerel family. They aren't really blue, but more silver with black vertical stripes. At least that's the case when they're alive. Taxidermists tend to paint mounted fish blue. Whoever named the team had probably never caught a wahoo, but may have seen a mounted specimen on the wall of a seafood restaurant. Otherwise, they'd just be the Pensacola Wahoos, without the "Blue".

Whoever named Rap's home team the Grays was likely inspired by a restaurant experience as well. He was probably abducted from a Krispy Kreme by space aliens at 2:00 AM (Krispy Kremes being aliens' favorite terrestrial hangouts, particularly at 2:00 AM). The post-hypnotic command to "Name the team after us!" was implanted shortly after the anal probe was removed, but the exact name for "us" was sort of left up in the air. It was a tossup between "Grays", "Aliens", and "Little Green Fuckers". "Grays" won out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Sep 16 - 12:30 PM

Fuck: a verb, noun, adjective, and even an adverb. I think. The adverb part. The rest I'm sure of. I don't believe this one has been parsed out in any of my style manuals.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Sep 16 - 10:08 AM

Our baseball team, the Grays, is interesting. Its players are short and don't hang around after the games even if they win, which is the usual case. The team appeared one day after there was a flash of light up in the hills near the ball park. We hadn't had a team in years so the city was excited to have one again.

Also, they all wear sunglasses even for night games. Odd sort of chaps, but they win ball games and the umpires ALWAYS give them the benefit of a doubt even if a doubt isn't there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Sep 16 - 07:21 PM

Yes, "For Fuck's sake" has pretty much replaced "For God's sake" in the modern vernacular. Therefore, one might say "Fuck" has replaced "God". As a non-theist, that's okay with me. I look forward to the day when our paper money bears the motto "In Fuck We Trust" and our children pledge allegiance to "One nation, under Fuck".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Sep 16 - 02:33 PM

The Grays are Pocatello's baseball team.


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