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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 09 Dec 06 - 09:34 AM
Acme 09 Dec 06 - 12:46 AM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 10:49 PM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 10:47 PM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 10:36 PM
Amos 08 Dec 06 - 10:28 PM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 04:27 PM
Amos 08 Dec 06 - 04:21 PM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 03:58 PM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 03:31 PM
Amos 08 Dec 06 - 12:27 PM
Acme 08 Dec 06 - 12:04 PM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 11:22 AM
Amos 08 Dec 06 - 09:42 AM
Rapparee 08 Dec 06 - 08:57 AM
Ebbie 08 Dec 06 - 02:29 AM
Amos 07 Dec 06 - 11:39 PM
Ebbie 07 Dec 06 - 11:04 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 06 - 09:06 PM
Bunnahabhain 07 Dec 06 - 08:02 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 06 - 05:39 PM
MMario 07 Dec 06 - 04:38 PM
Amos 07 Dec 06 - 04:37 PM
Ebbie 07 Dec 06 - 03:40 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 06 - 03:38 PM
Amos 07 Dec 06 - 03:35 PM
Acme 07 Dec 06 - 01:14 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 06 - 12:47 PM
Bunnahabhain 07 Dec 06 - 11:33 AM
Rapparee 07 Dec 06 - 11:33 AM
MMario 07 Dec 06 - 10:56 AM
Acme 07 Dec 06 - 10:40 AM
Rapparee 07 Dec 06 - 08:57 AM
Bunnahabhain 07 Dec 06 - 07:30 AM
Rapparee 06 Dec 06 - 09:39 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 06 - 09:39 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 06 - 09:38 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 06 - 09:38 PM
Amos 06 Dec 06 - 06:18 PM
Acme 06 Dec 06 - 05:21 PM
MMario 06 Dec 06 - 03:13 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 06 - 02:53 PM
MMario 06 Dec 06 - 02:00 PM
Amos 06 Dec 06 - 01:29 PM
MMario 06 Dec 06 - 12:48 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 06 - 12:39 PM
MMario 06 Dec 06 - 12:32 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 06 - 12:28 PM
Bunnahabhain 06 Dec 06 - 12:02 PM
MMario 06 Dec 06 - 11:01 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 06 - 09:34 AM

Aw, God, I can't take it anymore.

I swear, I'm gonna do something desperate. So depressed by Annie and the Babes in the Woods and the poor child whose father wouldn't come home from the saloon. And the Little Match Girl. And that poor Little Mermaid, forever longing for the sea to which she can never return.

I just can't take it anymore I tell you!

I think I'll have a dozen quilters over today. That will end it all.

Farewell, cruel world! Until we meet again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Dec 06 - 12:46 AM

Aw, I love a gushingly sad poem every now and then.


The Babes in the Wood

My dear, do you know,
How a long time ago,
   Two poor little children,
Whose names I don't know,
Were stolen away
On a fine summer's day,
   And left in a wood,
As I've heard people say.

Among the trees high
Beneath the blue sky
   They plucked the bright flowers
And watched the birds fly;
Then on blackberries fed,
And strawberries red,
   And when they were weary
'We'll go home,' they said.

And when it was night
So sad was their plight,
   The sun it went down,
And the moon gave no light.
They sobbed and they sighed
And they bitterly cried,
   And long before morning
They lay down and died.

And when they were dead
The robins so red
   Brought strawberry leaves
And over them spread;
And all the day long,
The green branches among,
   They'd prettily whistle
And this was their song?
'Poor babes in the wood!
Sweet babes in the wood!
   Oh the sad fate of
The babes in the wood!'


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 10:49 PM

Apologies to the Chad Mitchell Trio.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 10:47 PM

...We're Georgie's boys.
We're the new kind of youth
For government like grandpa had
We're Georgie's boys....

No college days with Socrates or Plato
And you're Georgie's boys.
Just organize parades for the abolishment of NATO and the rest
The Entire West!
So let's go back to the days when men were men
And fight the First World War all over again....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 10:36 PM

Hey, this is Idaho -- a state that's danged near as red as you can get! We LIVE the nineteenth century here, and if this little oasis of progress ever got slapped down we'd live the seventeenth century!

We're the bright young men
Who wanta go back to 1910....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 10:28 PM

Maybe you could just slip quietly back into the nineteenth century?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 04:27 PM

Would you like me to tell you the story of the poor little match girl?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 04:21 PM

Jaysus Effing Keerist, Rapaire, you really know how to replace season's joy with a chapped ass, don't you? :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 03:58 PM

I would like to pause in the day's occupation and reflect, in song, one the meaning of this time of year:

Alone in the world was poor little Anne
As sweet a young child as you'd find
Her parents had gone to their final reward
Leaving their baby behind

Did you hear this poor little child
Was only nine years of age
When mother and dad went away
Still she bravely worked
At the one thing she knew
To earn a few pennies a day

She made artificial flowers, artificial flowers
Flowers for ladies of fashion to wear
She made artificial flowers, artificial flowers
Fashioned from Annie's despair

With papers and shears, with wire and wax
She made up each tulip and mum
As snow flakes drifted in to her tenement room
Her baby little fingers grew numb

From artificial flowers, those artificial flowers
Flowers for ladies of high fashion to wear
She made artificial flowers, artificial flowers
Made from Annie's despair

And they found little Annie all covered with ice
Still clutching her poor frozen shears
Amidst all the blossoms, she had fashioned by hand
And watered with all her young tears

There must be a heaven where little Annie can play
In heavenly gardens and bowers
And instead of halo, she'll wear round her head
A garland of genuine flowers

No more artificial flowers, artificial flowers
Flowers for ladies of society to wear
Those artificial flowers, artificial flowers
Fashioned from Annies
Fashioned from Annies despair.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 03:31 PM

They are also part of the demographic for my new TP.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 12:27 PM

I am pleased to announce that the pre-Christmas retail advertising industry has finally identified their key demographic -- the dicktard segment, with associated noobs, fuckwits, dong-brains, dweebs, and other aspects of moronic consumerism.

The details on this revelation can be found in this article in the Onion, the most reliable source of news-through-irony in the world, next to Jon Stewart.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 12:04 PM

Aw, shoot! Rapaire just got

15151 !


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 11:22 AM

Well, Amos, I don't want to disclose too many of the trade secret details, so I will answer your query with a question:

Have you ever heard, seen, or in any way dealt with a politician who wasn't fecally impacted?

Yes, I know: fishooks have been tried, but with little or no success.

You can, I'm certain, figure it out from there!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 09:42 AM

Could you describe in a little more detail, Mister Paire, how velcro-hook toilet paper would make politicians come to their senses, exactly? I certainly support such an outcome but I am unclear on the actual process you are describing.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 08:57 AM

No, no! It's a great scheme to help the world! It will save our precious resources, stop ANWR drilling, prevent world hunger, and most importantly bring politicians world-wide to the their senses!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 08 Dec 06 - 02:29 AM

You're right, Amos. It's wicked, wicked, I say. Forget about the money, Rap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 11:39 PM

There is no vevet part; that's the wicked aspect of Rapaire's evil scheme, you see. It's all little tiny hooks, like a microscopic worm-crittur kinda thing.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 11:04 PM

I'd appreciate just a bit more information before I bite, Rap. Where does the velvet part go? And is it installed or portable, so to speak? (Should I have said 'pottable'?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 09:06 PM

Oh, no. And the nice thing about this product is that it can be laundered and reused!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 08:02 PM

The instructions aren't printed on the sheet, are they? I think I may have found a tiny flaw....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 05:39 PM

If the instructions are followed correctly there will be no pain involved. In fact, you might well come to like the experience.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 04:38 PM

ow. ow. ow.

don't even want to think.

ow.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 04:37 PM

I guess it depends on what it sinks its little hooks into....

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 03:40 PM

Wow, Rap. In addition to the money I already sent you- expect FedEx at your door soon- but you will have to be at home- they wouldn't give me an exact date for delivery but were adamant that they wouldn't leave it unattended- I will now have to send you more funds. I LIKE the idea of the velcrotoiletpaper.

Um. It does release, doesn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 03:38 PM

Grew up in the Great American Midwest, where we used corn cobs. Ain't NOTHIN' rougher'n a cob.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 03:35 PM

One can only assume, sir, that you will undertake personally any initial trials of the various prototypes through which such a product must pass, so to speak...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 01:14 PM

Rug burn! Rug burn!

Let me outta this ground floor!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 12:47 PM

I have an idea which will make me a multi-mega-super billionaire. And I am going to let all the MOABites have first chance at the IPO.

As I'm sure you know, a LOT of engineering goes into the making of toilet paper. It must be strong and absorbent, but soft and break down easily when wet (but not TOO soon!). Charmin and all sorts of TP companies have spent millions and millions of US dollars engineering today's toilet paper.

But I have come up with tomorrow's toilet paper. By analyzing the uses to which toilet paper is put (apart from its primary use, of course), I have found that it is also use for nose blowing, stopping minor bleeding, blotting lipstick and other things, and even to stop up bullet and other holes.

Velcro, as I certain you're aware, consists of two parts: the hooks and the loops (or velvety part). What I propose to do is to manufacture a toilet paper which uses the technology of the Velcro hooks. Not only will this be more cleansing, but it will facilitate all those "other" uses to which people put toilet paper.

Precisely HOW this will be accomplished is still a well-guarded trade secret, but I can assure you that there is a lot in this idea.

If you'd like in "on the ground floor," just let me know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 11:33 AM

There is a wonderful part of town, with a heavy population of young professionals. It's stuffed with florists, contempory jewlers, galleries of various sorts, high class butchers, bakers, cheesemongers etc, and three chocolatiers. And many, many bookshops. I just spend a few hours sorting christams.


As for 'chocolate' with emulsifiers etc, I use continential dark chocolate for cooking, let alone gifts or for myself. There are certain standards that cannot be allowed to slip! I got dark (65-75% cocoa) chocolate with rosemary, some with orange oil and peel, and some with raspberry, and a few other bits, like some honeycomb, most of which I've already sent off to Aberdeen.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 11:33 AM

Dark, rich chocolate. Covering crispy-cooked pork rinds.

UMMM-UMMM GOOD!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 10:56 AM

and nose warmers. During this season you need to have nose warmers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 10:40 AM

I hope you're getting them good chocolate! None of this emulsifier-only stuff that has no taste and feels like wax. Throw in a few nuts and krackles and bits of dark chocolate.

Google seems to have lost the drift of this thread. It is advertising "need puppy training" info this morning.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 08:57 AM

The last part is the easiest to fix, if they set their sights low enough. And yes, chocolate will help with the other two. Putting out chocolate on my desk helps keep my staff happy and mentally...well, if not happy at least somewhat contented.

Besides, they can't yell at me if they're eating chocolate.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 07:30 AM

I'm currently too busy to be tempted. I just wish it was doing something other than attempting to cheer up a pair of women fed up with life, the universe and being single.

I'm off out now to buy chocolate. See, temptation is easy to avoid if you keep in the right mindset...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 09:39 PM

And copped another really fake palindrome.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 09:39 PM

I was tempted, and I succumbed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 09:38 PM

Oh, what the hell.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 09:38 PM

How dare you call him a dastard! His father was married!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 06:18 PM

Count on Sharp-Eyed Stilly to smoke the dastard out! :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 05:21 PM

(Leo thought he'd just slip that in. . . )


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 03:13 PM

there's two signed copies at the Unseen Univeristy Library. But one has been rebound in banana peel.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 02:53 PM

Yes, but I've READ those letters and "ISP" in this case meant "Inverness Scottish Prostitute." And those letters -- WOWEE!! They were printed on special asbestos paper! I mean, they were hot stuff for ANY time period! And the only copies currently in existence reside in the Extremely Private Collection of the Vatican Library, in the Locked and Relocked Cases of the British Museum, and in the Rare Book Room of Arkham University.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 02:00 PM

D.C. Parthwaite Holmes was a true visionary; His 1909 collection of "letters to an ISP" was phenomenal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 01:29 PM

Ah, woe, how the mighty towers of BS have fallen, lower than ill-fated Ilium. In fact, MM is painting pictures of BEING Ilium! All over a carium.

In days of yore, when folks were bored
And tired of confessing,
Or lighting farts,
They'd vent their hearts
By creatively BSing

But now those folks
Are history's kine
ALthough they still inspire us.
But if they ran
This thread today
'Tis certain, they would fire us!

The gifts they left
Were godly fare,
For gulping, not for nibbling!
What sad decline,
These petty airs
And mild semantic quibbling!

Give o'er, you men
And women fair
Of BS, make thy mastery!
Let not the mediocre rule!
Nor cognitive pederasty!

Step up and speak,
Your arts perform!
Give to the world a lesson!
And show them art
Is still alive
In the Halls of Grand BS'in'.

Dropwirth Condolencias Parthwaite Holmes
General Contractor and Fine Finish Plastering a Specialty, Inc.
Aberdeen, 1911


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:48 PM

it is if you barf out the window all over a car. Then you've been car-sick.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:39 PM

It is simply NOT POSSIBLE to get car sick on a bus!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:32 PM

wanna bet? take away my window seat and I'm noit liable for the consequences!

They said I couldn'ty faint lying down, either, until I did it in the Doctor's office.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:28 PM

Well, if you use the bus you can't GET carsick.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 12:02 PM

If you get carsick, then stop eating the cars. When the doctors said up you iron intake, they meant five pound prime steaks, with proper beer...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 11:01 AM

But I really *NEED* to sit by the window. You *KNOW* I get carsick!!!


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