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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 20 Nov 08 - 07:55 PM
Amos 20 Nov 08 - 06:50 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 06:16 PM
Little Hawk 20 Nov 08 - 06:06 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 05:35 PM
Amos 20 Nov 08 - 03:47 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 03:35 PM
Acme 20 Nov 08 - 03:13 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 02:51 PM
MMario 20 Nov 08 - 02:33 PM
Amos 20 Nov 08 - 02:21 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 01:47 PM
Amos 20 Nov 08 - 01:27 PM
Acme 20 Nov 08 - 12:49 PM
Little Hawk 20 Nov 08 - 12:33 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 11:29 AM
Amos 20 Nov 08 - 11:18 AM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 09:39 AM
Rapparee 20 Nov 08 - 09:29 AM
Amos 20 Nov 08 - 01:08 AM
Little Hawk 19 Nov 08 - 11:05 PM
Amos 19 Nov 08 - 10:35 PM
Amos 19 Nov 08 - 05:53 PM
Little Hawk 19 Nov 08 - 05:17 PM
Amos 19 Nov 08 - 04:43 PM
Rapparee 19 Nov 08 - 03:28 PM
Rustic Rebel 19 Nov 08 - 03:21 PM
Rapparee 19 Nov 08 - 02:32 PM
Rustic Rebel 19 Nov 08 - 02:24 PM
Little Hawk 19 Nov 08 - 01:02 PM
MMario 19 Nov 08 - 12:30 PM
Amos 19 Nov 08 - 12:18 PM
MMario 19 Nov 08 - 12:10 PM
Acme 19 Nov 08 - 12:01 PM
Amos 19 Nov 08 - 10:45 AM
Rapparee 19 Nov 08 - 09:22 AM
Amos 18 Nov 08 - 10:08 PM
Rapparee 18 Nov 08 - 10:03 PM
Acme 18 Nov 08 - 09:31 PM
Amos 18 Nov 08 - 08:48 PM
Little Hawk 18 Nov 08 - 05:09 PM
Rapparee 18 Nov 08 - 03:49 PM
Little Hawk 18 Nov 08 - 02:32 PM
Amos 18 Nov 08 - 02:23 PM
Little Hawk 18 Nov 08 - 02:15 PM
Rapparee 18 Nov 08 - 02:10 PM
Little Hawk 18 Nov 08 - 01:21 PM
Acme 18 Nov 08 - 09:43 AM
Rapparee 18 Nov 08 - 09:24 AM
Little Hawk 18 Nov 08 - 01:52 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 07:55 PM

I knew there was a flaw in that story, Amos!

There ARE no more K-Marts in the mid-west. They moved them out of the reach of people who actually shopped in them and put them in places like Edmonds, Washington and New York City.

You made that up. At least the K-Mart part.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 06:50 PM

It would do you no good to wander there. The treasures of Solomon's Temple were indeed carried by the plundering Visigoths to Carcasonne. But only the light ones. THe heavier ones fell much later to the Vandals, who had them shipped to North Africa, to ancient Carthage, which in turn was conquered by the mighty army of Belisarius the Byzantine, who took or sent them to his liege lord Justinian in ancient Constantinople. Alas, they were not to find peace yet. An ancient Jewish scholar who had access to justinian's ear told him that ruin had fallen on everyone who had held the treasures--the tablets, the golden menorah, the emeralds--and that the only way to assure Justinian's safety from the same curse was for the treasures to find their way again to the Holy Land. There, they would cease the mystic and catastrophic evil they had wrought on the Romans, the Visigoths, the Vandals.

Justinian paled, and decreed they should be housed not in the ancient Temple of the Crucifixion itself, the Holy Sepulchre, but in the newly-building New Church of Mary.

There, the ancient treasures of the sons of Israel were entombed, to rest in peace until the sacking of the city by the Persians under Alexander's generals. There, the tale as told by the ancient historian Procippus grows dim. It is believed that the Persians carried the them away, perhaps to Persepolis, where they were hiddden from the prying eyes of history until the late 1960's when a new generations of vandals in the form of AMerican juvenile delinquents discovered them while planting a private pot patch in the deserts of Iran.

They made off with them, but one of their history professors passed on Procippus' tale of the fate of those, as told by the ancient Jew, who trifled with the holy treasures. So unnerved were they by this warning that they secreted the treasures in the basement of an unidentified K-Mart somewhere in the Midwest, where they remain to this day.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 06:16 PM

Well, it was somewhat before his time. Around 1687, in Carcasson I believe it was. A rather scummy sort of dive just off the street of the main gate, but with decent food, good wine and great wenches. You had to take a left turn; if you went right you'd end up by that well all the treasure was supposed to be thrown into.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 06:06 PM

The only thing that could have been added to improve that occasion, Rapaire, and raise it to the ne plus ultra of its type, would have been if Shane could have also been there. The cops arriving in force is a scenario with which he has much familiarity.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 05:35 PM

Delicacy - a sad, sad false delicacy - robs literature of the two best things among its belongings: Family-circle narratives & obscene stories.                           --Sammy Clemens, 1877


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 03:47 PM

I dunno man. I have, in my thoughtless youth, made fun of those who were offended by stipulated sacrilege, believing they were being too precious for their own good about a bunch of imaginary attributes stuck on a bunch of rusty, dusty icons.

But, in your case, I think sacrilege is definitely an applicable charge. Your braggadocio sounds like something that would be invented around a campfire to see if you could make Big Sergeant Goliath laugh, 'cuz he looked so funny when he really guffawed.

I have to hand it to ya, though, if I have to endure low-class sacriligious jokes, I prefer yours to a few others I have heard. :D Archie Bunker comes to mind.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 03:35 PM

Hey, I didn't even allude to what Johnny B. Dunne was doing with Moll Tearsheet over in the corner when the cops arrived and one of them was Moll's husband.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 03:13 PM

Stunning.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 02:51 PM

What we really called him -- "Shithead Shakes" -- would never do in a family-oriented thread like MOAB. I think that name was given to him by Sammy Clemens one night when a bunch of us were sitting around the Tabard in Soutwark, drinking and singing and generally telling lies and acting like we were at Getaway. Jeffy Chaucer about split a gut laughting and even old SS himself thought it was pretty funny.

Of course, we were all pretty drunk at the time, and I remember Big Daddy Bach saying we shouldn't call him that, that it was undignified, and Joe "Greeny" Verdi pulling Big Daddy's wig down over his eyes and pouring a tankard of ale down the front of his pants.

This was just before the cops arrived. In force.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 02:33 PM

Willy the shake was pretty casual about what people called him - as long as he wasn't called late for a meal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 02:21 PM

I dunno, Rapaire. This greasy glibness with the first names of the ancient and renowned makers you seem like such a social climber. It has to be said, buddy. A REAL friend of Shakespeare would never call him that, you see what I mean? It's just gauche dude, which is just saying that it is maladroit, too, as gauche is bound to be.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 01:47 PM

Well, it might be an easy house tonight but here in Idaho the sun is currently shining. But then, you know what such luminaries as Billy Bob Shakespeare and Chucker Dodgson said about the sun and the moon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 01:27 PM

Boy, this is an easy house tonight!! LOL.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 12:49 PM

We were speechless, Amos. Stunned. Catatonic. Rendered insensible. Stupefied. Astonished. Astounded. Dumbfounded and bedazzled. Flabbergasted.

Puts thesaurus away.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 12:33 PM

I couldn't respond either, because I was struck dumb with admiration. You have definitely raised the bar, Amos. You may be on your way to a lifetime fellowship at the WSSBA.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 11:29 AM

I couldn't respond because my entire body was sent catatonic by it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 11:18 AM

Oh, Rapaire!! Will you never be serious????

Besides, I want to know why my really excellent pun is being ignored. You don't see one that good in a decade!!! What is this, a den of Philistines?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 09:39 AM

And there wasn't even a bag of pipes or a bottle of the rare auld stuff in sight. Scots...yeah, right.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 09:29 AM

Was that anyone we know? I noticed that his right thumb was held on with red tape. Given the song it should have been Scotch tape.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 01:08 AM

Ach that was fine, LH.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 11:05 PM

Check this out:

Scots Wha Hae

Very stirring rendition!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 10:35 PM

MAn, that was so good it stopped all the gobs in the halls of MOAB!!! LOL!!!!




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 05:53 PM

Yes, they were hard times, and one had to make do without the formal comforts of modern civilization. But the joys were still there, sometimes more vividly than today. Let us not make a mohel out of a Montaigne.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 05:17 PM

And a good thing too! Goodness sakes, it was bad enough with the Cardinal's Guards snooping around all over the place, the Inquisition, and other unsavory scoundrels of that sort to contend with at that time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 04:43 PM

AH, Rustic, you have been too long away, too far apart; you have forgotten my nature altogether while wandering the wild northern woodlands. Particularly, you may recall that buggery of any sort is not in my quiver whatsoever. ANd although I am generally thought of as a sharp dude, that attribute does not extend to my sphincters; it was a steel blade that left his poor zucchini scarred, and nothing softer.

As for the Hawkster, I cannot say. Perhaps he has been a fudge-packer lo, these many incarnations. Such secrets are not mine to know.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 03:28 PM

So that would still make Amos a molehole or whatever it's called.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 03:21 PM

Perhaps. Yes, maybe. Definitely could be. Positively really don't know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 02:32 PM

And he circumcised it with his rapier when it came out the other end?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 02:24 PM

Perhaps while Amos was on public display, he was forcedly given the zucchini from behind, stll held in the hands of the Hawkster, just after eating a meal of beets, explaining the public torment, humiliation and purple ring.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 01:02 PM

Archetypes, metaphors, similes, they are all wonderful arrows with which to pack one's quiver.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 12:30 PM

True, Sir, very true!

Another intersting thing is how archtypes sometimes metamorphosise while in storage


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 12:18 PM

They are best tenderized by long exposure to natural curiousity, I have found.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 12:10 PM

archtypes should always be sliced across the grain. Otherwise they tend to be a bit tough, even if well marinated.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 12:01 PM

Archetypes - another bow in Amos' quiver. Let's see if Rapaire can slice and dice those!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 10:45 AM

Well, ordinarily I would salute your detective work, but it is fatally flawed, just like said zucchini. The unlikely circumcuision being discussed was unauthorized and spontaneous, you see. All formal categories of particpation were completely ignored, except for the deep Jungian ones of assailant and assailee.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 09:22 AM

Ah-ha! All of this happened in the distant past to a metaphorical zucchini! All is now clear.

Amos, I never realized that you were a mohel! Unless...perhaps...and I checked the ritual to be certain of this...you could be Little Hawk's father!!! (Alternately, you might be his mother but I don't think that's likely.)

Yes, that's it. The Truth was out there and I found it.

Amos is Little Hawk's father.

It explains a lot, doesn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 10:08 PM

Well, see, Rapaire, the zucchini is, like, a metaphor. And the reason I used a rapier is because it extends my reach. After all, a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what is a "meta" for?

Anyway, the reality behind the metaphor was circumscribed with the point of my deadly blade, lo, these many lifetimes past, such that a small purple ring of scar tissue was left there around. Not only would the dastard not pay me for my inimitable skill, he withheld the tip as well! Yet, noblesse oblige and all that--I honorably refrained from carving my Zed trademark on the tip of said metaphorical vegetable.

All clear now, I hope?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 10:03 PM

I'm just trying to figure out what exactly happened. So, okay: Amos carved a "Z" on the end of LH's smallishly large (or largishly small) zucchini and this circumcised the zucchini. Somehow this left a purplish scar or something on either the zucchini or LH; most likely on LH because I can't think of how a purplish scar can appear on a vegetable that is green on the outside and white on the inside (unless Amos used a dye of some sort, which gives a whole new color to the problem and raises the question about why Amos would dye his rapier).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 09:31 PM

Perhaps I should be the judge of this.


Er. . .



Maybe not.













Carry on.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 08:48 PM

MWahaha!! Mighty? Like, perhaps, the renowned mouse by the same name? Your zucchini, sir, will long remember the precise circular purple scar around it's full .75-inch diameter. Consider yourself fortunate I saved you all the awkward explanations of how you came to have a Zed emblazoned on the tip.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 05:09 PM

Pfui! If Amos were ever to see MY mighty zucchini unveiled, he would be struck dumb with astonishment and would be forced to recant those false allegations.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 03:49 PM

Okay, let me see if I have this correct:

Amos circumsized Little Hawk's small zucchini with a rapier. Therefore, LH is irritated with Amos.

Please correct this if it's not accurate (as Amos would have had to have been).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 02:32 PM

LOLOL!!!!!! (gasp!) Oh, dear!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 02:23 PM

My foil was a rapier, which explains M. Hawk's unlikely circumcision. It is well known that in the presence of overwhelming force, the bedraggled and beaten-down mind (see LH's previous entry) resorts to laying in fantasies more easy to confront that dark reality. Hence Mister Hawk's small zucchini, which you may analyze for yourself as to the obsessions which would give rise, so to speak, to such an unlikely delusion. Freud (not to mention his student Liebenscheiss) would be quite intrigued.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 02:15 PM

It's similar to an "unlikely circumstance" only even more so.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 02:10 PM

What is "unmlikely performance"? Is that like a circumcision gone awry?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 01:21 PM

LOL! Well, I find all this quite amusing, I must say. I note, though, that my opponent, scurvy knave that he is, has slunk off into the shadows, reduced to impotent silence by the devastating revelations set forth in my previous post. Poor fellow. I may have gone too far. But I trust he will recover in due course of time and regale us with further tales of self-glorification, pomp, and unmlikely circumstance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 09:43 AM

MOM is mildly amused at this repartee.

I heard her chuckling about you boys when I took her a MMario shawl out on the sunporch. It's getting chilly out there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 09:24 AM

Were you guys fencing with foils, which are blunted practice weapons, or rapiers, which are sharp pointy things? If foils neither of you was in much danger unless you fell and poked an eye out or something (you know Mom doesn't want you running with those things!).

Of course, I can't imagine either of you in much danger with rapiers, either:

"Draw, varlet!"
"No, you draw!"
"No, you!"
"No, you!"
"Let's flip a coin. You got a quarter or a loony?"
"You'll steal my coin!"
"No, I won't! Liar, liar pants on fire!"
"Draw then, varlet!"
"No, you first!"
"MOOOOOOOOOM! He won't draw first!"
"MOOOOOOOOOOM! He called me a loony varlet!"

etc., ad nauseam.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 01:52 AM

Ha! Ever the glib scoundrel, reinventing the events of the past to clothe himself in unearned glory, reveling in totally false tales of his martial exploits and derring do. Ah...but if I were to tell of the time that I had to rescue you from not five, not four, not even three or two, but from ONE scrawny 12 year old urchin from the Paris slums who had backed you into a corner wielding nothing more than a zucchini! Yes, a zucchini, and a smallish zuchinni at that, and you armed with a good rapier too. Shocking! But I kept it a secret, didn't I? I could have told every musketeer in the length and breadth of France, but I protected your good name...God knows it wasn't much, but it was all you had. It was my compassion for my fellow man and my true love for a comrade that moved me on that occasion....that and the fifty gold pieces that you gave me in gratitude for saving you from total public humiliation.

Shortly after that you were taken, alas, into the employ of the Baron de Schelly and you all went off on that ill-advised escapade in Flanders where, I am told, you were forced to walk nude through the streets following the catastrophic defeat of your patron's forces, and then placed in the stocks where the citizens could mock you and hurl refuse at your privy parts. Fortunately, due to the fact that you were well known to be far more dangerous to your own side than to the enemy, you were shortly thereafter released and repatriated back to Beaugency where you took on a promising career as an informant and petty thief, having failed totally as a soldier.

But perhaps I have said too much...


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