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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Bee-dubya-ell 25 Aug 16 - 07:27 PM
gnu 25 Aug 16 - 08:20 PM
Rapparee 25 Aug 16 - 09:16 PM
Amos 26 Aug 16 - 11:55 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Aug 16 - 12:56 PM
gnu 26 Aug 16 - 04:05 PM
Little Hawk 26 Aug 16 - 07:54 PM
Rapparee 26 Aug 16 - 09:55 PM
Little Hawk 27 Aug 16 - 05:29 AM
Donuel 27 Aug 16 - 08:28 PM
Rapparee 27 Aug 16 - 10:08 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 28 Aug 16 - 12:42 PM
Amos 28 Aug 16 - 05:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 28 Aug 16 - 09:07 PM
Rapparee 28 Aug 16 - 09:28 PM
Amos 29 Aug 16 - 02:26 AM
Rapparee 29 Aug 16 - 09:41 AM
gnu 29 Aug 16 - 01:40 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Aug 16 - 03:10 PM
Donuel 29 Aug 16 - 05:32 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Aug 16 - 06:43 PM
Rapparee 30 Aug 16 - 09:41 AM
Little Hawk 30 Aug 16 - 12:20 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Aug 16 - 01:27 PM
Little Hawk 30 Aug 16 - 01:51 PM
gnu 30 Aug 16 - 03:06 PM
Little Hawk 30 Aug 16 - 11:32 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Aug 16 - 09:37 AM
Rapparee 31 Aug 16 - 10:23 PM
Acme 31 Aug 16 - 10:50 PM
Little Hawk 01 Sep 16 - 06:01 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Sep 16 - 10:14 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Sep 16 - 10:48 AM
Rapparee 01 Sep 16 - 10:55 AM
Little Hawk 01 Sep 16 - 04:08 PM
gnu 01 Sep 16 - 05:09 PM
Rapparee 01 Sep 16 - 11:36 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 16 - 09:14 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Sep 16 - 10:09 AM
Amos 02 Sep 16 - 11:47 AM
Donuel 02 Sep 16 - 12:17 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Sep 16 - 03:43 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Sep 16 - 04:23 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 16 - 09:21 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 16 - 09:26 PM
gnu 02 Sep 16 - 09:45 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 16 - 06:02 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 16 - 06:03 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 16 - 06:05 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 16 - 06:07 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Aug 16 - 07:27 PM

I have received the following message from Gluon:

Quark!

Translation: The fact that the iteration of Little Hawk who inhabits this particular universe cannot relate to yours truly is of no consequence. In a parallel universe only a few "steps" away, there's a Little Hawk who worships at my little webbed feet. However, in that same universe Rapparee is a 300 pound transvestite and Amos is a two-toed sloth, so things sort of balance out, if you know what I mean.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 Aug 16 - 08:20 PM

Popcorn, please. The big one. Extra butter.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 16 - 09:16 PM

The following is copied, word for word, from my computer screen:

QUARK!
QUARK!
QUARK!
QUARK!
QUARK!
QUARK!
QUARK!
QUARK!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Aug 16 - 11:55 AM

Gluon the Duckdog is related to a family of subatomic particles like the mysterious Boson Higgs, or the scandalous Fermion Quark. Depending on the time of day, Gluon may generate mass or he may just spin at odd intervals like a crazed Disney character. Mostly he tries to keep the Quark family together (to avoid scandal).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Aug 16 - 12:56 PM

One should not confuse the properties of Gluon the Duckdog with those of gluon, the subatomic particle. Gluon the particle has a spin of 1. Gluon the Duckdog has a spin of whatever he damned well feels like at the moment*. Also, among Gluon the Duckdog's properties is a timeshare on Maui, while the properties of subatomic particle gluon do not include any real estate.


* Actually, gluon doesn't do anything "at the moment" since he doesn't experience time as the "one-way street" we humans do. For Gluon, all "moments" exist eternally. "At the moment" is merely an analogy comprehensible to humans. The chances of a human actually understanding time as experienced by Gluon are about the same as those of a Slow Loris understanding orbital dynamics.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 Aug 16 - 04:05 PM

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain. I like watching puddles gather rain.

Blind Lemon.

Life would suck if there was no No Rain.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Aug 16 - 07:54 PM

I saw many ducks this morning at the Orillia harborfront. I saw several dogs. But no duckdog.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Aug 16 - 09:55 PM

Have you ever dropped a guitar pick and couldn't find it? Gluon ate it. Gone to the store and knew you bought something but couldn't find it? Gluon is hiding it from you (this can be bad with things like milk, as Gluon has no concept of expiration dates). Ever wondered by you stumbled? You tripped over Gluon. Unexpected blizzard? Gluon is messing with you. Power goes out, but it only seems to be in your neighborhood (neighbourhood, for those Elsewhere)? Gluon eats electrons as a snack. Car didn't start? Ran out of gas? Caught unprepared in a rainstorm? Bob Dylan didn't recognize you? Chongo bit you? Shame McBride came for a loooooooooooong visit? Ran out of toilet paper?

Gluon.

Why? Because Gluon likes Canadians. Gluon thinks Canadians are unAmerican.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Aug 16 - 05:29 AM

We take absolute delight in being Un-American, and I hope that never changes. It gives me a warm glow inside, just knowing how Un-American I am! :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Aug 16 - 08:28 PM

A Borzoi named Semantic is our duck dog. He prefers rabbit.

Gluons are such weaklings when it comes to going the distance despite mediating the strong force and the Higgs boson that parks at the outer boundary of our spacetime, which can stretch without limit, is boring compared to the technicolor bosons that occupy the unstretchable space that intersects with every point in its anti-space simultaneously, you know, where the dark matter lives a life of leisurely non interaction except for a few that virtually escape only to be annihilated yet again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Aug 16 - 10:08 PM

Good Heavens! Gluon would never indulge in such activities! He/it/she had its/her/his standards, after all!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Aug 16 - 12:42 PM

I have received the following message from Gluon:

QUARK!

Translation:

Dear Bee-dubya,

In your last post you said, "The chances of a human actually understanding time as experienced by Gluon are about the same as those of a slow loris understanding orbital dynamics." You apparently do not know that the slow loris is the unquestioned master of orbital mechanics and dynamics! There is a slow loris comfortably ensconced inside every one of NASA's "mainframe computers"! Those aren't really computers at all, but dummy machines. All the calculations needed for you humans to do anything in space are actually performed by slow lorises. This fact has been hidden from all but the upper echelon of NASA personnel since the very beginnings of the US space program. The "computer programmers" who work for NASA are really actor!

If you don't believe me, just watch the film The Martian. The guy who figured out how to turn the spacecraft around so it could go back to Mars and save Matt Damon's ass? An actor! And the slow loris who really performed the calculations, all in his little head without even using a slide rule, didn't even get a mention in the credits!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Aug 16 - 05:53 PM

Much ado over Nycticebus, I suspect. These days, of course, they use fast lorises, in keeping with Moore's law. And inside cellphones they use tiny fast loris babies. They are harvested when only a couple millimeters around, but they still have enough chutzpah to drive the computational circuits of your Galaxy 7.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Aug 16 - 09:07 PM

No, modern-day devices are not powered by fast lorises. They're still run by slow lorises. You see, the reason slow lorises are slow is that their brains are almost entirely given over to computation, leaving very little to devote to physical activity. If a slow loris's body were to speed up, his brain would slow down.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Aug 16 - 09:28 PM

AT&T, T-Mobile, Meteor, Verizon, O2, and various other companies announced yesterday that slow lorises were being phased out in favor of
genetically modified Naegleria fowleri, a type of amoeba. While certain minor drawbacks to the use of this organism are recognized, the small -- submicroscopic -- size will eventually permit cell phones to be implanted directly into the cranium of users.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Aug 16 - 02:26 AM

Sloooow LORis!
Slower by a mile
He hasn't got no style
To mention

He works for us
In the cyber forest
We trust him to process
Without apprehension

Try searching
The Loris will be there
With guts and nerves and haie
In play

So just type a question or two
Then just send it through
To see what
Slow Loris
Wiiilll say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Aug 16 - 09:41 AM

haie: French for "hedge" or in sports "obstacle" or "hurdle." Can also mean a jumping obstacle in equine sports. Can also be used to refer to the spectators of an athletic event.

I'm not quite sure how this fits into Amos' poem, but I am certain that I shall have it exposited sometime this afternoon or evening.

Hmm...I am reminded both of Keats' "Ode on a Grecian Urn" and Service's "The Killing of Dan McGrew."   There are some echoes of Milton's "Il Penseroso" and his "Areopagitica." Vint Cerf and Robert Kahn's seminal (or ovarial) "A Protocol for Packet Network Intercommunication" must also be considered.

Cerf/Kahn write "In a typical packet switching subnet, data of a fixed maximum size are accepted from a source HOST, togethcr with a
formatted destination address which is used to route the data in a
store and forward fashion." Amos says, "We trust him to process/
Without apprehension" which is a certain reference to the transport layers of IP as well as the MAC and LLC layers in the Data Link Layer. Hmmm...a PhD in English, without all of the classroom and dissertation nonsense, awaits when I finish this exposition....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 Aug 16 - 01:40 PM

On Saturday past... 8# ham (smoked picnic pork shoulder at $1.49 a #), 3.25# green beans (99p a #), 2# cabbage, 2# carrots, 10 small new white potaoes (not peeled, scrubbed). = 1.5# weight gain. And, I intend to stuff myself again today. I LOVE harvest time!

Gluon can't cook worth shit. When I get invited for a meal, I make an excuse.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Aug 16 - 03:10 PM

Naegleria fowleri and mobile phones.... Brain-eating microorganism meets brain-eating electronic device.... Wasn't there a 1950s science fiction film based on that premise?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Aug 16 - 05:32 PM

Face it, brains are delicious, especially vegan brains. Its all in the taste.
Herpes likes brains too and could result in Al's Hammer dementia plaque.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Aug 16 - 06:43 PM

In German, haie is the plural for hai, meaning "shark". But I don't suppose that's relevant to Amos's poem since sharks are deathly afraid of slow lorises. In fact, the survival kits in lifeboats on all modern cruise liners include slow lorises which act as shark repellents. There has never been a single documented case of a shark-related fatality among shipwreck survivors on, or swimming near, a lifeboat with a slow loris on board.

Tigers, on the other hand, are not the least bit afraid of slow lorises and consider them a delicacy. It wouldn't have done Yan Martel's Pi a bit of good to have a slow loris on his lifeboat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Aug 16 - 09:41 AM

My UPS keeps switching from line to battery. I think it's time to get a new one.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Aug 16 - 12:20 PM

Sort of like Chongo's friend, Chachi. He keeps switching from assault to battery.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Aug 16 - 01:27 PM

Thanks for mentioning assault and battery, LH. I was just about to head out the door to go grocery shopping and had neglected to put salt and batteries on my shopping list.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Aug 16 - 01:51 PM

I live to help. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Aug 16 - 03:06 PM

I'd love to help but I am all outta giveafucks. My daily quota got used up talking to braindeads on the phone. The last one... I tried to arrange a time for a quote on a paving job and I tried to tell this guy that I was not available from 9:30h to 11:30h every day. He tried to tell me that I had to be present so he would know what I wanted done before he could quote. Over and over. Finally, I said, you call me before you come so that you know I will be home. Yes. Yes, I *AM* serious. Before that, I called about another job... brick chimney repointing. Got an answering machine. Leave your name, and so on, and then he sang a verse from the Sweep song in the Mary Poppins movie. Yes. Yes, I *AM* serious. I think he has breathed too many fumes from chimney sweeping. I even called back and recorded it on my digital recorder as evidence if the guys in the white coats came for me. I got a half dozen stories from just the last two hours.

Not that anyone givesafuck.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Aug 16 - 11:32 PM

Chongo does! To show this, he is playing some music for you, to the same tune as the Mary Poppins Chimney Sweep song. Here we go....

"Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp Charee...
A Chimp is as ugly as ugly can be...
Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp, Charoo...
Good luck will rub off when he bites your hand through...
And throw him a rock? And he'll throw it back too!"

(and so on)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Aug 16 - 09:37 AM

Wanna buy a piece of Chinga?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Aug 16 - 10:23 PM

Fortunately, we have Gluon. Not gnuon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Aug 16 - 10:50 PM

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - sorry to have been away so long, it looks like I have some catching up to do. I've been careful to contain the BS swirling around the workplace and not let the odor taint MOM's good times. Glad to see that Gluon is back! And slow lorises - wonderful!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Sep 16 - 06:01 AM

"Chimp, Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp, Charee..."

(I can't get that tune out of my head.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Sep 16 - 10:14 AM

"Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp Charee...
A Chimp is as hairy as hairy can be...
Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp, Charoo...
Chimp poop is as sticky as carpenter's glue...
And it won't come off when he flings it at you!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Sep 16 - 10:48 AM

"Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp Charee...
A Chimp likes to play with his pud publicly...
Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp-Chimp'ny, Chimp, Chimp, Charoo...
But don't blame the Chimp 'cause he lives in a zoo...
And you'd do the same if you lived in one too!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 16 - 10:55 AM

Bundles for Britain!

Ear Worms for Little Hawk!

MOAB is loving and giving, kind and generous, to all her children.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Sep 16 - 04:08 PM

HA! HA! HA!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Sep 16 - 05:09 PM

I jus'as well niver said nutting! Be da lard dyin' sufferin' Jaysus as me witness!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 16 - 11:36 PM

Sharing is caring.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 09:14 AM

Jist hunker down there a minute, gnu, ol' pard! We never said you talked more'n what you shoulda. The lawdog in this here county's bin known ta stretch the blanket a bit so's he could fluff his pelt. He's not like you, he'll never do to ride the river with. You know the cantle from the horn an' he don't know gee from haw. So you jist sit tight an' we'll have this gol-durn saddle burr doin' the Henry Plummer dance afore ya know it. The stranglers ain't takin' kindly to him -- somethin' about a runnin' iron and his neighbors' cows havin' a lot of twins. I ain't sayin' he's doin' anything wrong, but folks kin smell burnin' hair two miles downwind of his spread. So jist have another beer an' let us handle it. Ya know, he might just need a lead pill more than a hemp collar. Gonna make some palaver about that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 10:09 AM

And a prime example of Genuine Authentic Frontier-America Cowboy Gibberish that was, indeed! No translation into Standard American English could ever render it even moderately comprehensible! I salute you, sir!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 11:47 AM

Any ole dogie with long floppy ears
Who didn't bush up by day
Got his long ears whittled an' his poor hide sizzled, in a most artistic way.

One day Sandy Bob says to Buster Jiggs
And he threw his seago down
I"I'm gettin' tired of cow pyrography, an' I reckon I'll ride to town!"

Well, they had one hell of an adventure that day but the rest of Ile Gardner's tune won't fit in this little box.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 12:17 PM

Ahm hairin mrrh god fersakin hog swallerin gibberish frm that fancified rich New Yrk Shitty dude than brether Johnson when e's piss assed drunk.

Bee dub, I am officially stealing your chimp tunes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 03:43 PM

I used to write entire short stories in Southern US Trailer Park Gibberish, but no longer do so. I was afraid that if I spent too much time in that world, even if only in my imagination, I'd start drinking cheap beer, chewing tobacco, and doing things prefaced by "Hey y'all! Watch this!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 04:23 PM

Mom! I have a rhetorical question:

Why do people on Craigslist try to sell mounted fish and deer heads? I thought the idea of having a stuffed animal hanging on the wall was to commemorate one's own achievement in catching the fish or shooting the deer, not to decorate the wall with other people's accomplishments.

Presumably, if there are people attempting to sell such things, there are also people willing to buy them. Who are these people? How do we make sure they never run for public office?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 09:21 PM

Jolstay! Let me tell you, mister man, gnu was sipping his Old King Cole, talkin' millinyers outside of Monkey Town, when a needle dick nashwaaker come up to him and ask him if he wanted to go over the line. gnu was some owly and told him to pick his bugs somewhere else. Well, that got the nashwaaker some ugly, so ol' gnu use did a slip and go easy outa there, right up the shoo fly, and got himself to a free pour before headin' for his codfish and taters.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 09:26 PM

And now, only five more posts to 55,000! No other thread has ever come even close!

H
U
R
R
A
H
!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Sep 16 - 09:45 PM

Roight, Rap. I'll stay where I'm at on er fer now on yer sayso but I ain't appy bout it. Nosir. Not one bit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 16 - 06:02 AM

Oh wow! Oh wow!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 16 - 06:03 AM

Oh wow! Oh wow!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 16 - 06:05 AM

We have arrived...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 16 - 06:07 AM

...at FIFTY-FIVE THOU!


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