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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 01 Sep 10 - 11:00 PM
Donuel 01 Sep 10 - 11:02 PM
Acme 01 Sep 10 - 11:03 PM
Amos 01 Sep 10 - 11:51 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Sep 10 - 09:22 AM
Acme 02 Sep 10 - 10:15 AM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 10:33 AM
Rapparee 02 Sep 10 - 10:41 AM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 12:40 PM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 01:11 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 10 - 01:47 PM
Donuel 02 Sep 10 - 03:04 PM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 04:17 PM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 09:11 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 10 - 09:32 PM
Acme 02 Sep 10 - 11:10 PM
Eiseley 03 Sep 10 - 11:07 AM
Rapparee 03 Sep 10 - 11:17 AM
Amos 03 Sep 10 - 11:22 AM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 12:19 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 10 - 12:36 PM
Acme 03 Sep 10 - 12:56 PM
MMario 03 Sep 10 - 01:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 10 - 01:12 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 10 - 01:39 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 02:06 PM
gnu 03 Sep 10 - 02:17 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 02:23 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 02:26 PM
Amos 03 Sep 10 - 02:30 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 10 - 03:17 PM
gnu 03 Sep 10 - 03:28 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 03:32 PM
Amos 03 Sep 10 - 03:41 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 04:19 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 04:43 PM
Amos 03 Sep 10 - 05:46 PM
Acme 03 Sep 10 - 06:43 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 07:49 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 10 - 09:17 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 09:47 PM
Rapparee 04 Sep 10 - 10:38 AM
Amos 04 Sep 10 - 11:29 AM
Little Hawk 04 Sep 10 - 11:30 AM
Acme 04 Sep 10 - 11:53 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Sep 10 - 12:59 PM
Amos 04 Sep 10 - 01:02 PM
Amos 04 Sep 10 - 06:16 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:00 PM

That's...that's...so touching, Bee-Dubya. Excuse me while I weep.
Okay, I'm done.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:02 PM

there are no returns after 60 days.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:03 PM

He must not have gone down the road yet. I was over at Lowes this evening and I didn't spot any stray appendages. I did find the rope light I need to prevent stubbed toes on the step from my living room into two halls. We don't want any stubs around here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:51 PM

You have to wonder how he happened to have taken it out while in an aisle. Mostly, aat Home Depot, people wait until they are inside the rest room. So you have to wonder why, in the cable-ties aisle, he thought he should take it out and put it on a shelf.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 09:22 AM

It's called "poetic license". Cable-ties just seemed so much more appropriate to a parody of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" than did anything normally found in a public restroom. In reality, only some sorta total prevert would leave his johnson in the electric supplies department. Some shopper might mistake it for a newfangled kinda light bulb and try to light up her life with it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 10:15 AM

Interesting choice of songs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 10:33 AM

POETIC license? Where do I get one of those? Mine is kinda drab and bureaucratic, and the photo is way out of date. I'd like one that says something more poetic:

To whom it may concern, sir, know that We
The managers and helpers at the California DMV
Have written you these lines to say,
That on this very special day
We're glad that Amos is alive
And we're sure that it's okay for him to drive!"




Now, THAT's a poetic license.

Or, if you don't like schnaltzy poetry, perhaps something more formal:

Let all me know that by these presents writ
The will of the Department shall be known;
That on the roads of this State, viz, to wit,
California by the Great Pacific; town
Of San Diego, it has been decreed
This license issued is to drive
If well within the laws of lane and speed
As long as bearer's legally alive...


or perhaps something more abstract and modern:

The roads wind without end,
Swishing sunlight by sea, the rhythm
One with the air,
One with the light,
Amos drives!
This, too, is cool, oh, my brothers
And never ending. Drive, man, drive!


I think for some folks, though, nothing more sophisticated than a risque limerick should be included on their poetic license until they can pass and advanced literacy test.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 10:41 AM

There is a guy in San Diego
Who is given a license to go-go
All over to drive
While he is alive
But when he is dead it's a no-no.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:40 PM

The bearer, that rascal Rapaire
May be seen going here, going there
In a V-8 rickshaw!
He's entitled, by law
But please! Other drivers, beware!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 01:11 PM

To a degree, the nation Mencken claims to delight in as an "Eden of clowns" is a mischievous creation unified by his own powerful sense of the ridiculous. Throughout Prejudices, he drives the diverse "bosh mongers," spewers of buncombe and "geysers of pishposh" into the same corral through sheer brawny eloquence and fistic wit.

Thus his menagerie of scoundrels brings together such strange bedfellows as "the Ku Klux Klan and all other clownish fraternal orders," Chambers of Commerce, Methodists, Chautauquans, prohibitionists, sex hygienists, Freudian "necromancers," the "snouting and preposterous Puritan," and the "fantoddish old suffragette."

Indeed, his prose style is an assertion of masculine puissance (to use one of his favorite words); and it strikes one that what gives such galvanic force to his writing is not only his "unashamed taste for the bizarre and indelicate," but his outraged feeling that America is being emasculated by purveyors of genteel literature, wowsers, teetotalers, and "vassarized" women. "Here," he says, "is a land in which women rule and men are slaves. Train your women to get your slippers for you, and your ill fame will match Galileo's or Darwin's."




Mencken. One of the great linguists of America, he, a master of the colored noun and the sharp-edged verb. A national treasure, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM

Why stop at poetic drivers' licenses? What about fishing licenses? Business licenses? And what about the millions of non-drivers who get official identification cards from the DMV? What about Social security cards? Voter registration cards?

This voter is a Democrat
As zealous as a rabid bat
He'd sooner kiss a badger than
He'd vote for a Republican


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 01:47 PM

Or occupations:

This here guy's a potter
He grows them on a wheel
Then bakes them crisp
And lets them cool
Then sells them to some heel.


or

This lady tells stories to brats
Who are worse than "Animal House" frats
Dirty faces and snot
Leaky diapers and rot
She's still sane -- send her congrats!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 03:04 PM

Schmaltz - chicken fat, corny theme or performance, overly sentimental boardering on cheesy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 04:17 PM

Indeed, sir!! A hunting poetic license:

This librarian can't polka or waltz,
And he's overly fond of strong malts,
But we give him this ticket
To go hunt in a thicket
In respect for his output of schmaltz!!


And a fishing poetic license:


By these presents, know all men that above-named Rapaire
(Six foot two, 210 pouonds, missing some of his hair)
Is entitle,d whenever he finds himself wishing,
To dress up like an eedjit and waste his time fishing.

I believe there's an industry here waiting to ber born!! A fortune to be made!!

A poetic Social Security card:

In passionate hopes for a peaceful futurity
Has presented herself to our office, Ms Eiseley
And so we have named her under Social Security
Convinced she has done so both nicely and wisely!

And one for Security Clearances:

The bearer shown, one old BWL
Is scruffy, rude, and mutters things erotic
And has as well a most peculiar smell
But still and all is very patriotic!
Therefore do we, cream of the nation's cops
Hereby declare him cleared for "SECRET, TOP!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 09:11 PM

I really like the idea of all those poetic licenses of various kinds. It could really revitalize the English Major community!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 09:32 PM

He's a lousy driver, a speeder, a lout,
To deny a license no one would blame us;
But he passed most of the tests,
Cheated well on the rest,
So we must give this license to Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 11:10 PM

Some of these hurt my brain to read.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 11:07 AM

Here's a permit for guns to be toted
By one who enjoys stuff exploded
He can have a gun
He's got, like, a ton
But this license precludes their being loaded.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 11:17 AM

Hyar's a license to live hyar in Texas
Where ya won't pay hardly no taxes.
Ya kin raise kids, own a house,
Shoot Comanches er mouse
Jist as long as ya vote Republican.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 11:22 AM

Parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme,
Rapaire writes poems that just don't rhyme!
Built a fortune and a mansion
Flogging couplets without scansion.
Now his world is all up-ended!
His poetic
license is
hereby
sus-
pended.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 12:19 PM

Could you briefly summarize the last 50 or so posts for me, Amos? I'm beginning to lose the thread of it... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 12:36 PM

'Sokay, the BS is hanging by a thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 12:56 PM

Good one, Amos! Flogging couplets, indeed!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:02 PM

hey NOM! Guess What?

I'm going to getaway


I got to, cuz I paid for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:12 PM

A poetic gay marriage license:

Your union is now sanctioned, at least within t!his state.
Congratulations to you! We think it is just great!
Now you can live together and none can call it sin
And you can screw when'ere you like, even if you are both men.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM

Marriage is definitely not just about sex. So why do people only seem to focus on the sexual part of it when the concept of "gay marriage" is discussed? Do gays do nothing at all except fuck??? If so, when would they get time to do things like earn a living, eat (no pun intended), sleep (no pun again!), budget, plan for the future, pursue hobbies and special interests, read books, and get out socially?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:39 PM

No married couple does those things.... Read? Hobbies? Budget? Future planning? Why would you want to do that when you can...you know.

Bee-Dubya, you need another such license for women.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:06 PM

Ah. So you're telling me, Rapaire, that I have missed having a constant diet of sex by not getting married? Hmm. ;-) Hell, I'd probably have died of exhaustion long ago under such a demanding daily regime. When would I have had time to do the important things...like play fetch with the wiener dog? Or add to my collection of Shatner memorabilia? Hmmm?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:17 PM

"like play fetch with the wiener dog"

I was gonna make a pun but I looked up the word on google... never mind.. I have to go throw up instead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:23 PM

Wha....?

You shock me, sir...or madam. There is nothing untoward about playing fetch with the wiener dog. As a matter of fact it's good, clean fun.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:26 PM

Here's an example:

Water sports!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:30 PM

Alas! A lass and a lass!
They are finally legal, at last!
To avoid gender gaff, oh,
They worship with Sappho,
And their marriage may now come to pass!

But don't shout it out on the street!
And pause 'ere you blog-post or Tweet!
It may be the fashion
To brag about passion
But by law, this permitt is discreet!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 03:17 PM

Bee-Dubya, you need another such license for women.

Simple! Just change the last line from "And you can screw when'ere you like, even if you are both men" to "And you can screw when'ere you like, even if you're both women."

And, Little Hawk, most of us are well aware that marriage isn't just about sex. But exaggeration about marital sex is a widely used humorous conceit. If jokedom had to depend on the true reality of marriage for its fodder, there'd be no marital jokes at all, would there?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 03:28 PM

LH... there would be with this oun. Trust me.... oh, I gotta throw up again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 03:32 PM

All I know about marriage I got from watching the collected works of William Shatner... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 03:41 PM

Talk about the blind leading the blind!!!!


Speaking of which, I am happy to report that a local phsyics professor, having been persuaded of the theory of multiple universes by Stephen Hawking inter alia, is now promising to write a guided tour of the multiverse. Imagine that!!! A GUIDED tour of the MULTI-VERSE!

I think this is truly wonderful. But I gotta ask how he's going to get his basic raw data from. Is he going to visit a random sample of the universes? Set up hyper-mail to colleagues or even doppelgangers in those that are close to ours in kind? Call a convention of representatives to gather and compare notes?

Furthermore, if such an agent (or he himself) tried to cross the boundary layer, bringing the stuff of one universe into another, would he make it? Would it be something akin to an anti-matter collision? Or wouldn't the universes care where theirparticles were born?

Are we opening the door to an immigration crisis? AN emigration crisis?

Enquiring minds want to know.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 04:19 PM

Sounds like he's getting a bit carried away to me, Amos. Hubris in the hallowed halls of science? Surely not! ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 04:43 PM

By the way, where's that summary I asked for?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 05:46 PM

Well, usually I don't take on random tasks of tis kind, Little Hawk. But since it's you, here are the highlights:

1. No posts by Little Hawk occurred during your absence.
No posts by any of your perfervid dream devices, either.

How'szat?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 06:43 PM

I'd say that about covers it. And in solidarity with LH, Mr. Shatner didn't come by during that time either. What a good and faithful friend he is to our Little Hawk!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 07:49 PM

Prove to me that "perfervid" is a real word...rather than some kind of California Babblespeak...and I will give more consideration to what you say, Amos. I may even quote you in mixed company, so as to impress the naive and untutored.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 09:17 PM

1.
      per·fer·vid/pərˈfərvid/
      Adjective: Intense and impassioned. More »
      Dictionary.com


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 09:47 PM

Okay. ;-) It just sounded so much like a word Amos would make up that I was kind of wondering...

I shall now quote him in mixed company at every available opportunity, so as to mightily impress both the naive and the untutored. I already have them cowed with the knowledge that I am an authority on the life and times of William Shatner, but THIS will REALLY knock them flat on their little behinds. ;-D


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 10:38 AM

I wouldn't be too perfevid. People, particularly particular people, positively prefer perfect performance. Besides, fevered functioning fans furious flames of fanaticism.

And Mom don't like no fanatics except me. Oddballs, eccentrics, yeah, but no fanatics except for her favorite.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 11:29 AM

Wal, Rapaire, that is just your impression.

Actually I've heard her cussing about you after she tucks your fanatic little ass into bed, but I didn't wanna say nuffin to hurt your feelings.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 11:30 AM

Ever the soul of discretion, that's our Amos. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 11:53 AM

MOM does love alliteration.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 12:59 PM

And she's absolutely astounded by assonance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 01:02 PM

Except for Rapaire's fanatic little assonance.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 06:16 PM

For LH: On the many faces of William Shatner. He has so many personae it's no wonder Little Hawk worships him!! :D


A


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