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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 07 May 10 - 12:55 PM
MMario 07 May 10 - 01:05 PM
Acme 07 May 10 - 01:27 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 01:44 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 01:45 PM
Eiseley 07 May 10 - 01:51 PM
Little Hawk 07 May 10 - 02:13 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 03:11 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 03:13 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 03:45 PM
Little Hawk 07 May 10 - 03:56 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 05:25 PM
Acme 07 May 10 - 06:20 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 08:17 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 09:33 PM
Rapparee 07 May 10 - 10:02 PM
Amos 07 May 10 - 11:38 PM
Acme 07 May 10 - 11:48 PM
Amos 08 May 10 - 09:53 AM
Amos 08 May 10 - 10:39 AM
Acme 08 May 10 - 10:59 AM
Rapparee 08 May 10 - 11:54 AM
GUEST,Blind River Scribe 08 May 10 - 03:44 PM
Little Hawk 08 May 10 - 04:55 PM
Rapparee 08 May 10 - 06:01 PM
Little Hawk 08 May 10 - 06:22 PM
Rapparee 09 May 10 - 11:02 AM
Amos 09 May 10 - 12:19 PM
GUEST,freds 09 May 10 - 12:30 PM
Little Hawk 09 May 10 - 12:45 PM
Rapparee 09 May 10 - 01:17 PM
Acme 09 May 10 - 01:48 PM
Little Hawk 09 May 10 - 01:56 PM
Eiseley 09 May 10 - 02:11 PM
Amos 09 May 10 - 02:26 PM
Amos 09 May 10 - 02:59 PM
Rapparee 09 May 10 - 08:55 PM
Amos 09 May 10 - 09:36 PM
Rapparee 09 May 10 - 09:43 PM
Acme 09 May 10 - 10:02 PM
Eiseley 09 May 10 - 10:07 PM
Rapparee 09 May 10 - 10:22 PM
Rapparee 09 May 10 - 10:52 PM
Amos 10 May 10 - 12:46 AM
Rapparee 10 May 10 - 09:53 AM
Rapparee 10 May 10 - 09:59 AM
MMario 10 May 10 - 10:25 AM
Amos 10 May 10 - 10:56 AM
Little Hawk 10 May 10 - 11:43 AM
Amos 10 May 10 - 11:53 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 12:55 PM

Myself. And I have a witness, 'cause Eiseley can vouch that I ripped myself off. And those were just the ones I've bothered to put on the computer -- the handwritten ones are still pristine photocopies of the originals which I sent to my nieces and nephews. Had ya worried, didn't I?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:05 PM

MOM

Rap just confessed he is a self-plaigerist!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:27 PM

Got the book, Eiseley. Looks interesting!

Rap, only if you're beside yourself can you plagiarize yourself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:44 PM

Well...I suppose he could have different personalities, and have them steal from each other. It would cause stress to the primary, because a sort of cognitive dissonance would ensue. But the real core question is who would be experiencing the stress?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:45 PM

Well, they're on the J (external hard) drive on Pat's computer upstairs and I ripped them off from there.

I've got to spruce those up a bit and add some more....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 07 May 10 - 01:51 PM

Yes, add some more, and make more photocopies of the other ones. Or, if you'd like, I'd be glad to enter them into the computer for you!

The boys want more Swamp Stories, and Tom says they're better than what he has to read for school.

K


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 May 10 - 02:13 PM

Shane has ideas again about starting up a rock band and fronting it. He figures he can get girls that way and become rich and famous.

But he isn't sure what name the band should have. Can you people help him choose a good one?

Here are some possibilities he's considering:

The MotherFlippers

The Skank Rangers

Old Road Kill

Kid Moronic and the Useless Flippers

Flip Youse

Barf Sunday

Don, on the other hand, suggested:

The Pissants

Major Loozer

Laffing Stock

Village Idiotz

I think all those are pretty good, but you folks might come up with something even better. Go to it, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:11 PM

For Shame
Richard and the Heads
The Flats
New Feces On The Block
Bolthole Surfers
The Know-Nothings
Dumb and Ugly
Health Department Shutdown
No Girls Allowed
Cow Pie Pizza
The Cowardly Liars
Stage Puke
Skank Music
Wide Stance
Flatulence
Rock God Atheists
The Roll Yer Owns
The Archies


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:13 PM

And, of course,

Josie and the Pussycats


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:45 PM

Rotten Hosers?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 May 10 - 03:56 PM

Wow, Rapaire! What a great list of band names! This is really gonna be tough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 05:25 PM

Go with Josie and the Pussycats. Or Boo-Boo and the Bares.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 May 10 - 06:20 PM

Oh. I skimmed LH's list and thought those were all subjects for short stories Shane wanted to write. Now that would have been interesting.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 08:17 PM

Shame signs his name with and "X" on his dole forms. If he wants to go incognito he puts a circle around it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 09:33 PM

See? He can be clever!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 May 10 - 10:02 PM

Now if he'd paid more attention in school (before he dropped out in the second grade) he could sign stuff "XX" or the double cross -- very appropriate to him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 May 10 - 11:38 PM

Someone suggested it but he got it confused with ordering beer...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 May 10 - 11:48 PM

Well, shit. I was kind of looking forward to those stories. Little Hawk, interview the man, see if you can transcribe each title on that list into a story. I'm sure you can do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 10 - 09:53 AM

Last night I sealed the grout again. It's done, and will not have to buff like that again for a year or so. Oi.

"The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."Ê


(Camus)

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 10 - 10:39 AM

They tell tales of rotten hosers in this town, going back, oh, as far as anyone remembers, every one of them rotten in their own special way, all of them complete hosers. Something about the water, the weather, the genes...no-one knows why. But this town has turned out legions of them--lacklusters, ne'er-do-wells, fuckups and bums, slackers moochers, sponges and losers. There's a new crop of them every few years or so. They run training sessions down at Molly's Midnight, the young ones gathering around the veterans, picking up tips on how to screw their lives up completely.

They grow up in nice suburban homes out by Fergus Estates, or on small farms in places like Joyland or Udney or down the shores of Simcoe.No matter. When the loser's streak is in your genes, you gravitate to Molly's, or the Palace over on Queen, or some dump like the Rooftop on Gill. Not just weekends. These hosers will roll in at opening any day of the week. They'll stretch two bucks worth of beer until closing time, shooting off their worthless mouths and starting fights.

Officer Dana knows them all, and she keeps a list in her squad car of the worst ones. My name's at the top,

They call me Shane. I'm a hoser."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 May 10 - 10:59 AM

I didn't know that Shane knew how to do italics.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 May 10 - 11:54 AM

My mother was passing through town, riding a freight car. My father was a hard-boiled private eye from Chicago named Chongo something. I was adopted by the McBride family who already had a disappointment named Don; they were hoping for something better.

They didn't get it. I'm a hoser, and I'm Shame. Shame McBride. I fall down a lot and slobber on myself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind River Scribe
Date: 08 May 10 - 03:44 PM

Some guy who won't tell me his real name just promised me his second best set of brass knuckles if I would write down and send you the words to the song he's going to sing to me. Here you go:

Oh my Ma, she calls me Shane
She has since I was young.
But that don't be my real name
I only got but one.

Chorus:
You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


My Pa he called me sumpthin worse
That I won't tell you here
In case that Stilly River Sage
Is lookin' o'er this verse.

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


Now Rap, he calls me Shame
That's still okay with me
Coz he is just a stupid cuss
That blankin' Rapaire

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


Amos, yer lyin with what ya said,
You don't know a thing or two
Coz when you look in any glass,
A hoser's starin back at you.

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


Now I don't know that new one,
What's her name, uh, "Eyes"
But don't believe whatever's wrote
I'm tellin you? they're lies!

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


I hate them all?those birds of prey
Big, medium or Little
And Hawks are the worsest of them all
They can't even play the fiddle.

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


I'll make fun of all your names
I'll do it night and day
Coz no one knows my real one,
Yer all to dumb to guess!

You can call me Shane
Or you can call me Shame
But no one knows me real name
It's what I does to ye!


The guy has stopped singing and has crawled over to hunker in the corner. He's drooling and foaming at the mouth and seems to be gnawing on half of an old cowboy boot. No, maybe it's a dirty potato. I can't really tell. I'm going to go call the ambulance. I think this guy must be on some kind of bad trip or something. I wouldn't have written this down for him, but he did give me these really great brass knuckles. Sorry folks.

Blind River Scribe


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 10 - 04:55 PM

Good stuff. ;-) Wow, eh? Will the real Shane please stand up?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 May 10 - 06:01 PM

You can call me Shame
Or you can call me...ah,
Wait just a flippin' minute
And I'll remember what else you can call me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 10 - 06:22 PM

You know, I get chills sometimes, thinking about how I actually know him. And I saw Officer Dana once at the folk festival in Orillia. All I can say is, "Wowee". Some people sure look great in uniform. Mind you, I think she would look great in just about anything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 10 - 11:02 AM

Happy MOAB Day, Mom.

Of course no one but me remembered, and I found you fifth from the very bottom and beset by sundry low-lives and others like Shame McBride (who will forget his own mother today, because he was brought up by his Big Brother, Don, who now considers it a mistake).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 10 - 12:19 PM

There are Moms
Whom make you breakfast
And there are Moms
Who swat your bum
There are Moms
Who teach you Latin
Marching to
A different drum
There are Moms who patch your owies
Confiscate your Maui Wowie
But there's one Mom higher up
Than all the rest.
It's the Mom of freds and Catters
Mom of poems and anti-matter,
It's the one and only Mom of all BS!

Happy Mummer's Day, Mom. Thank you for everything and plus one.

And you can ignore Rapaire today as a special treat if you want.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 09 May 10 - 12:30 PM

These mothers DNA good have? We do not mothers have and for DNA good look and feed. The translator to the Overmind Galactic cursed lost and we will Overmind Galactic find and on DNA feast. A being found we by you called Hilton Paris a mother is she with DNA good? Tell us! Thank you we do.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 10 - 12:45 PM

On the right track you are. Mothers you will find if hard you look for them. Expecting you soon we are.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 10 - 01:17 PM

Gee you talk funny, LH. Even for a Canadian.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 May 10 - 01:48 PM

This mother's first born is coming down from school to take her dear old mom to lunch. Nice!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 10 - 01:56 PM

It's the aftereffect of reading too many of Bearded Bruce's sonnets, Rapaire. He talks like Yoda in them. Annoying it is.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 09 May 10 - 02:11 PM

Happy Mother's Day!

My brood is making dinner for me. Breakfast?---Too early in the morning for teenagers to manage.

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 10 - 02:26 PM

To have a brood is to know life,
Mother and helpmeet, friend and wife,
Pluck me from my surly mood
And let's go off and make a brood.
Leave the vapors, troubles rude,
Leave the strife and efforts crude!
Come with me, and make a brood!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 10 - 02:59 PM

Heraclitus, e.e. cummings,
Sisyphus, and the fire-giver,
Met for tea around the rock-face
Where Prometheus lost his liver.

He assured his guests quite calmly
It would grow back in again,
And Sisyphus remarked, all kindly,
"Lucky they don't eat your brain!"

This, they all agreed, was lucky!
"That would be an awful shock!
"For the sin of giving fire,
To lose your brains upon this rock!"

"Never fear," said mister cummings,
"Gods are feeble in their schemes.
"What they call a ghost is waking,
Not a hypnotized undream!"

Sisyphus then made excuses,
For he had a rock to roll.
As he left them, e.e. asked them,
"Is he happy in his soul?"

Heraclitus nodded wisely,
"This, I think, is hard to know."
"Even Gods can't reach the answer.
Still, we must imagine so."

Kam Ooeue
Songs of a French Colon
Cambodian Free Press, 1969


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 10 - 08:55 PM

Oh Lord. Were you out paddling your own Camus today, Amos?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 10 - 09:36 PM

Nope. I decided to follow the Great Tradition of Rapaire and go shooting down at the gun shop on Morena. It's very entertaining. Got to unload a S&W PK .40 which packs one helluva punch very accurately. And to work out my old Colt revolver.

In honor of Mother's day, a Bluegrass Tribute.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 10 - 09:43 PM

I spent the day driving to and picnicing at Chesterfield Reservoir. We visited old ghost town of Chesterfield, and I think I'll try some shore fishing up that way one of these days soon. I have to check out some of the fishin' holes before my brothers come out in the Fall for fishing. Not a problem with them, but it's getting harder and harder to get any dynamite (they use that fishing classic, the Du Pont Spinner). All I've got is an empty box that once held 50 pounds of Du Pont's best 60%. I'm thinking of foregoing the family tradition and using fish poison.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 May 10 - 10:02 PM

Why not mix your game devices? Pull the pickup to the side of the lake at night, turn on the lights, and if you see any fisheyes, let 'em have it with buckshot. They'll float to the top after they die.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 09 May 10 - 10:07 PM

Yeah, and then Rapaire can mount the fins and gills on his big ol' pickup!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 10 - 10:22 PM

Yeah, on my dualie Dodge Ram with the turbo diesel engine, six-wheel drive, and the elephant gun rack in the back window and the longhorn horns for a hood ornament.

Or my wife's Honda Element. They wouldn't work at all on my 1999 Honda Civic...it's just not MACHO!! enough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 10 - 10:52 PM

Actually, Amos, I am very, very disappointed in you. Guns are very, very dangerous and I, for one, would NEVER EVER have one around. You know what Mark Twain said about guns:

Never handle firearms carelessly. The sorrow and suffering that have been caused through the innocent but heedless handling of firearms by the young! Only four days ago, right in the next farm house to the one where I am spending the summer, a grandmother, old and gray and sweet, one of the loveliest spirits in the land, was sitting at her work, when her young grandson crept in and got down an old, battered, rusty gun which had not been touched for many years and was supposed not to be loaded, and pointed it at her, laughing and threatening to shoot. In her fright she ran screaming and pleading toward the door on the other side of the room; but as she passed him he placed the gun almost against her very breast and pulled the trigger! He had supposed it was not loaded. And he was right?it wasn't. So there wasn't any harm done. It is the only case of that kind I ever heard of. Therefore, just the same, don't you meddle with old unloaded firearms; they are the most deadly and unerring things that have ever been created by man. You don't have to take any pains at all with them; you don't have to have a rest, you don't have to have any sights on the gun, you don't have to take aim, even. No, you just pick out a relative and bang away, and you are sure to get him. A youth who can't hit a cathedral at thirty yards with a Gatling gun in three quarters of an hour, can take up an old empty musket and bag his grandmother every time, at a hundred. Think what Waterloo would have been if one of the armies had been boys armed with old muskets supposed not to be loaded, and the other army had been composed of their female relations. The very thought of it make one shudder.

No Sir! I would never have one single gun around the house.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 10 - 12:46 AM

You are a funny man, Rapaire, and I mean that sincerely.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 10 - 09:53 AM

No sir, I don't have one single gun in my house. Several, perhaps, not one single one. It would get lonely and then who knows what would happen?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 10 - 09:59 AM

"Why not have it all?" -- Tom Paxton, Yuppies In The Sky


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 May 10 - 10:25 AM

we were without internet almost all weekend. The wind knocked out either the tower or the main receiving station.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 10 - 10:56 AM

Oh, the pain, the pain!! Return to the Dark Ages.

Funny, I remember a time before there was ANY net, internet, local area net, wide area net, etc. You'd walk into the house and there would be a radio playing in the kitchen, and maybe an iron heating up, there might be a TV on in the TV room, but that was about it. Black rotary dial phones on each floor.

If you wanted to send someone a letter you sat down and wrote it on a typewriter or with a pen, stuck it in the envelope and sent it along. If it was an important letter, you made no mistakes or you had to start the whole page over.

Interesting times, in contrast to the Twitter universe today.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 May 10 - 11:43 AM

Wiser and saner times on the whole, in my opinion, Amos, but we do have some neat stuff now, no doubt about that. Guitar accessories have made leaps and bounds in my lifetime, and Winona Ryder didn't exist prior to the early 1970s.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 10 - 11:53 AM

Sure she did, LH. She was a counter-intelligence officer for the French army stationed in Vietnam, and got taken out by the jealous brother of a tea-house cutie with whom the then "he" got entangled romantically. He was so surprised at having his brains blown out he decided to leave the whole guy business behind for a liftetime and sought out a quite farm in Winona, Minnesota (owned by the Horowitz family, good friends of Alan Ginsberg, the beat poet) to start his next life cycle as a cute girl.


A


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