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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 16 Apr 12 - 10:53 AM
gnu 16 Apr 12 - 01:36 PM
Little Hawk 16 Apr 12 - 02:12 PM
Rapparee 16 Apr 12 - 02:36 PM
GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River 16 Apr 12 - 02:48 PM
Amos 16 Apr 12 - 03:45 PM
Acme 16 Apr 12 - 04:00 PM
Rapparee 16 Apr 12 - 10:21 PM
Rapparee 16 Apr 12 - 11:06 PM
Rapparee 17 Apr 12 - 10:05 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Apr 12 - 02:53 PM
Little Hawk 17 Apr 12 - 03:11 PM
Amos 17 Apr 12 - 04:21 PM
Acme 17 Apr 12 - 04:43 PM
Little Hawk 17 Apr 12 - 04:47 PM
Rapparee 17 Apr 12 - 05:54 PM
gnu 17 Apr 12 - 06:31 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Apr 12 - 07:36 PM
Rapparee 17 Apr 12 - 09:01 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Apr 12 - 09:30 PM
Rapparee 17 Apr 12 - 10:12 PM
Amos 17 Apr 12 - 11:21 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 12 - 01:20 AM
Acme 18 Apr 12 - 01:44 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Apr 12 - 06:24 AM
Amos 18 Apr 12 - 01:38 PM
Acme 18 Apr 12 - 02:05 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 12 - 02:18 PM
Amos 18 Apr 12 - 02:57 PM
Amos 18 Apr 12 - 04:47 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 12 - 05:28 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 12 - 09:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Apr 12 - 10:03 PM
Amos 18 Apr 12 - 10:49 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 12 - 11:10 PM
Rapparee 19 Apr 12 - 02:11 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 19 Apr 12 - 06:45 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 19 Apr 12 - 06:57 AM
Little Hawk 19 Apr 12 - 10:02 AM
Amos 19 Apr 12 - 10:25 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 19 Apr 12 - 10:50 AM
Rapparee 19 Apr 12 - 11:07 AM
Amos 19 Apr 12 - 01:12 PM
gnu 19 Apr 12 - 01:33 PM
Rapparee 19 Apr 12 - 02:02 PM
Little Hawk 19 Apr 12 - 03:47 PM
Amos 19 Apr 12 - 06:33 PM
Acme 20 Apr 12 - 02:05 AM
Acme 20 Apr 12 - 02:09 AM
Amos 20 Apr 12 - 09:49 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 10:53 AM

We came down from a different sort of mountain yesterday, driving down the coast from one of those Orange County areas, you know the kind, north of Dana Point...Huntington Beach. We had spent the weekend celebrating an advanced birthday of an old ship mate and swapping memories and rumours. Most interesting gathering.

Gnu, the banter with LH and Rapp is no big shuck, man. They create artificial ego-bubbles, and I throw lawn darts at 'em. It's an indoor sport, ya know.

I am sorry to hear 'bout your Uncle, man.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 01:36 PM

Ahhh... sorry. And, thanks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 02:12 PM

My condolences too, gnu. It's toughest on the survivors, I think, just like in war. I have a good friend whose wife has been told by the doctors she has 8 weeks to live, due to cancer. He's been having a tough time and was taken to the hospital with chest pains the other day. We're getting into that age group where we start to lose a lot of people we knew, I'm afraid.

You don't think about this stuff when you're young.

***

On another tack, Rap...it has occurred to me that:

1. Since you created all of us, I'm your son!

2. And Amos is my brother!

3. And since I created Chongo Chimp and Shane McBride...


(drum roll....)

THEY ARE BOTH YOUR GRANDSONS!!!!!

Think about that. And try to act as a grandfather should, okay? Be more loving and appreciative to your grandkids. Send them little presents on holidays and tell them how much you love them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 02:36 PM

The act of creation requires just one being, the Creator. The making of children (and hence grandchildren) requires two beings, at least among Terran mammals. On Rigel VI-4 it's much more complex, as the making of offspring requires six participants (four of whom must change their sexual identity three or more times during "the act"), vast quantities of helium "ice", several fire hydrants, and the left half of an old eggbeater (of course, that's not what they call them on Rigel VI-4). It's interesting to watch and no, it will not get you "all worked up" (unless you happen to enjoy tractor pulls, and then only slightly). The participants are not at all shy about it and have been known to send out invitations to the climactic dinner. If you ever get a chance to view this spectacle I highly recommend that you do so.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 02:48 PM

SIX participlants! Holy FLIP!!! That sounds pretty flippin' hot to me!

I wonder how to get a space bus ticket to Rigel whatever the flip it is?

I should flippin' see if Artixes and the boys are around lately with there flyin' saucer. I will put out a sign in the backyard and try and attracte there atenshun. What do I say?

How about... LAND NOW. FREE BEER!

That might work pretty good, eh?

- Shane


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 03:45 PM

I think it's a very good plan, and you should definitely go and do some detailed field surveys for sociological purposes, and learn to speak the local language and, if possible, marry into one of the local clans. When you have written everything down, THEN hitch a ride home.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 04:00 PM

We have come perilously close to settling into some substantial conversations lately. Good thing it's spring and the quickened pace of life in warm weather should bring some more frivolous content. Rap mentioned Rusty Leggs and Prairie Whales. Now I'd like to hear some more about THAT adventure.

Rescued via "back button" from the Purgatory of "didn't take."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 10:21 PM

Well, Rusty and a couple other fellas left just before noon. They each had a couple of remounts and a pack mule, so they might be out a while. Here's a picture of a baby one that got into a town around here a couple years ago. They're useful critters so they ain't hunted or nothin', because they keep the jackrabbits and dire wolves in check. Folks just like to keep an eye on 'em because they sometimes lead you to some placer gold.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 12 - 11:06 PM

Shame, if you actually wanted to participate the natives would probably agree. You might even be chosen as one of those whose sex changes: your possibilities are male, female, other, none, all, and some. I can't explain it any more than that, but if you are invited to participate and you are selected as a "changeling" a refusal would be considered unfriendly and you'd "softly and silently vanish away." These folks are open and above-board about it, but they are still dead serious about reproduction.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 10:05 AM

Giggles Malone just came back into town to replenish the whiskey stock. The group is over near Craters and yes, it's a Prairie Whale all right. Both scat and tracks agree, as does DNA analysis of the hair that got caught in some bobwire fence or another. Looks to be a big 'un.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 02:53 PM

Hi, Mom!

I would just like to say that I find the stories about US Secret Service agents cavorting with prostitutes in Cartagena, Colombia to be truly appalling. Everybody knows the prostitutes in Cartagena are a bunch of skanks. Our Secret Service agents deserve better! Why weren't they flown to Cali where the really good-looking prostitutes are?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 03:11 PM

Yeah, it's just SHOCKING, isn't it? I mean...has anything like this EVER happened before????? ;-) I thought that most USA secret service employees and other government people were incapable of engaging in that sort of immoral behaviour. Don't they have to swear some kind of oath? Like in the Boy Scouts?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 04:21 PM

They are supposed to be prequalified to have sharp eyes and high standards as regards those with whom they couple up, but eight years of W probably wore them to a neurotic, goal-less frazzle.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 04:43 PM

NPR is running a story about a plan to use Dodd-Frank to deal with operations that are "Too Big To Fail." Has any of you been approached by the government about MOM? She may be in that category.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 04:47 PM

Hey, Amos, just blaming everything on the legacy of Dubya is an indicator of mental laziness. I'm sure these kind of shenanigans were happening loooong before George W ever made it to the oval office. My bet would be, it's as common a sin as people lying on their income tax return.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 05:54 PM

By God, when J. Edgar was in charge this sort of thing never would happen! FBI agents back than couldn't even have acne! They were supposed to emulate their Director, who lived with his mother until she died and with a good friend, a la Holmes and Watson. No cavorting with prostitutes during J. Edgar's time, nossir!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 06:31 PM

True Rap. It would have been kept in the closet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 07:36 PM

And what's this "cavorting" thing? I've heard that exact verb used on several news segments to describe the agents' behavior.

How much does a pro charge for cavorting? Does she have a laminated card with prices?

Handjob - $25.00
Blowjob - $50.00
Straight Sex - $100.00
Cavorting - $200.00


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 09:01 PM

It'd probably be in Spanish, with prices in Colombian currency.

And members of the US military seem to have been involved as well! OUR soldiers and/or sailors and/or airmen, playing around with good-time girls! This is beyond disgusting! The entire underpinnings of the Our Great Republic and its Armed Forces are at risk!

I mean, civilians like the Secret Service are one thing, but not the military!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 09:30 PM

Well, they never had problems with Secret Service agents hiring prostitutes back in the Clinton administration. Hiring them for ol' Bill was part of the job description.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 10:12 PM

But NO ONE in the US military would EVER consort with...prostitutes! Or even imbibe the tiniest amount of alcoholic beverage except by prescription of a military physician.

If this is true that these...these TRAITORS should be shot!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 11:21 PM

Oh, dear; imaginary players cavorting with imaginary playmates. Was the whole Military Experience just a bad dream?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 01:20 AM

I and both my brothers, my father, and several uncle, great-uncles, and great-great uncles were in the military, Amos. We and they faced the cannons' roar, the bayonets, the leaden hail, the mud, the stench of death, weevilly hardtack, rotten salt horse, shoddy uniforms, long separations from our families, friends and sweethearts, and all the horrors of war while remaining pure in body and soul. Why, my very own brother became a genuine minister in a genuine Protestant church while he was in Vietnam, and he's a damned good one for a Catholic

No one in my family or the families of anyone I know would "cavort" with wicked women! Never! Some of them barely cavort with their wives, but that might be a function of age.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 01:44 AM

Nope.

When it comes to the mud and the blood and the beer

you have to look to cowboys. (Thank you, Johnny Cash)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 06:24 AM

It'd probably be in Spanish, with prices in Colombian currency.

It's a two-sided card. You have to flip it over to see the prices in pesos.

Not too many Cartagena hoes have MBAs, but they can all quote the current Colombian peso to USD exchange rate.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 01:38 PM

I respect anyone who goes into the maw of terror and the unknown with their eyes open, whether sailor, soldier, hobo or physicist.

Especially the physical aspects of terror which shake mortal identity down to its bootlaces.

I do think that adrenalin can be so exciting that it can become its own mission and its own brass standard, which I believe is a sad departure from the original path.

Like the difference between one really good martini and a long chain of half-gallons of Thunderbird.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 02:05 PM

A sunny good day to you all. Mudcat Central seems to have been updated - has anyone tried loading it from the first post to see how long it takes?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 02:18 PM

You betcha, Stilly. Ain't nothin' like Spring roundup: draggin' them dogies to the brandin' fire, stretchin' 'em out, brandin' 'em, cuttin' 'em, put in an earnotch, and turn 'em loose agin. Then put them calf fries into the fire until they pop open and you got some gooooooood eatin'! Add a little beer and the Sons of the Pioneers singin' the background with the stars comin' out one by one an' mebbe in the background a coyote howlin' an' you got the Real Western Experience. It don't git no better'n that, lemme tell ya.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 02:57 PM

Humph. Keep your dally on, Mister R., and sooner or later you will be able to lay a dogie low. Just a little one.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 04:47 PM

A round of applause for Max who keeps making Mom's place a better place for us all.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 05:28 PM

He'd probably like to have a donation rather than clap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 09:47 PM

My yard appears to have been visited by a vast herd of feral dachshunds, all of whom left their "calling card" behind.

This is not a joke or an exaggeration, either. It's the mortal, ever-lovin' truth!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 10:03 PM

They weren't feral. They were a canine special ops squadron trained to leave their little lawn-mines and return to base under the cover of darkness.

The training camp is in a town called Orilla, or something like that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 10:49 PM

What a delight to have ole BeeDub back in the banter dance!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 12 - 11:10 PM

If this is true, then "Orilla" should be taken out because it's a center for the terrorist "Dachshund Jihad." Maybe we should have it exploded, napalmed, strafed, and herbicided into oblivion...I wonder, are there any cultural or historic artifacts there that would bar such a course?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 02:11 AM

Three crack agents -- Asterix, Obelix, and Dogmatix -- have been dispatched to scout out this "Orilla." Support is being provided by Getafix.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 06:45 AM

Here's a leaked photograph of a member of the elite Dachshund Special-Ops team preparing for night-time deployment (CLICK).

Note the night-vision glasses and human-based launch device.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 06:57 AM

And here's another leaked photo of a team member wearing secret nanotechnology stealth camouflage (CLICK).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 10:02 AM

Ah...they're onto us! Too late, suckers! A billion Dachshunds can't be stopped. (no more than a million budgies)

You asked, "are there any cultural or historic artifacts there that would bar such a course?"

Yes. The Stephen Leacock Home. The Orillia Opera House. The Champlaine Monument, and most important of all...the William Shatner School of BAAAAD Acting, located just outside town off Highway 11. It's a lovely campus.

The there's also the historic fire hydrant that Belch Senior used to pee on every morning when he went out to do the rounds. Belch Senior was Orillia's most famous Dachshund. He used to parade around town in the 1920s and '30s, before the war. He was a Dachshund of unusual style and ability, and he smoked cigars! No word of a lie, as Shane would say. Belch would amble over to the smoke shop on Mississauga Street and the owner would give him a cigar. Those were the days when dogs could freely wander about downtown, and no one cared...long gone, alas! At any rate, Belch would walk around with the cigar in his mouth and approach a passerby and give him a commanding look, whereupon the man would stoop down and light the cigar. Belch would then smoke the stogie ostentatiously for the next 15 minutes or so, simultaneously horrifying and impressing all the other dogs, who were not fond of the smoke, but nevertheless acutely aware of the fact that Belch had upstaged them dramatically. He ruled the downtown. He got free sausages from the butcher. He got his face on the front page of the Orillia Packet & Times on numerous occasions. He may well have been the most famous dog of his time. Belch Senior passed away on Christmas Day, 1939, and is buried in the old Catholic Cemetary. One of his numerous progeny, Belch Junior, went on to have a starring role on CBC radio in the 1940s and 50s, playing dogs on various radio suspense and adventure shows. He seamlessly impersonated mountie's faithful German Shepherd companions by barking heroically into the microphone at appropriate times.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 10:25 AM

I don't see how you can expect a million dachshunds to clean up the whole country of Canada when three of them can't even keep one house cleaned up. Do the math, really. The countryside will be littered with chewed up clothing and urine stains. I suggest you recalibrate your fantasizer, buddy.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 10:50 AM

OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT ADVISEMENT


In the event of Dachshund invasion, citizens are advised to disperse copious amounts of "Bitch-in-Heat" spray in ground floor areas of dwellings and retreat to upstairs rooms. Male Dachshunds will not be able to pursue because everybody knows Dachshunds with erections can't climb stairs.

Those living in single-story dwellings should also use "Bitch-in-Heat" spray. It won't keep the Dachshunds at bay, but it will cause them to be more interested in humping your leg than in ripping your throat out.

(Okay, "ripping your throat out" may be a bit hyperbolic. Make that "mauling your ankles".)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 11:07 AM

Decoded message from Agent Obelix: WHERE WILD BOAR FOUND ORILLA? FOOD NEEDED TO DELIVER MENHIRS.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 01:12 PM

He was bound out to roam
Over river and foam
A wild-eyed adventure, a ringer!
While she, all alone
Was doomed to stay home,
So he asked what she'd like him to bring her.

'Though he meant it quite kind
Her wiley young mind
Was quick as a fox when it runs
And she asked, with a tear
For a small souvienier
That weighed at least several tons!

Oh, bring me a menhir, Mein Herr!
From your travels away over there!
When you come back, my dear,
Oh, bring me my menhir,
TO show me how deeply you care!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 01:33 PM

"... are there any cultural or historic artifacts there that would bar such a course?"

Gordon Lightfoot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 02:02 PM

Our Agents report that the street address of the Jihad headquarters in "Orilla" is located at 835 West Ridge Boulevard. Raw materials for ammunition is stored 0.31 miles away, at bearing 257 degrees. This storage area is bounded by trainee housing and offices on one side and training areas on the other three. We await more information but feel that we would go with what we have.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 03:47 PM

Bring it on, you despicable infidels! Our valorous fighters will exterminate all who attempt to impede our noble mission! Truly, your doom is written in scarlet letters upon the everlasting white marble walls of eternity! (Arf! Arf!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 12 - 06:33 PM

Human jealousy was not invented yesterday...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Apr 12 - 02:05 AM

Sophia has nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Apr 12 - 02:09 AM

This is the one I was looking for. Just a hard working fishwife, right?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Apr 12 - 09:49 AM

Oh, my beating heart... Jeeze, I remember now why she was so widely respected...


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