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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Little Hawk 15 Sep 12 - 11:06 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 15 Sep 12 - 12:39 PM
Acme 15 Sep 12 - 01:11 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 12 - 06:44 PM
gnu 15 Sep 12 - 07:04 PM
Acme 16 Sep 12 - 12:00 AM
Rapparee 16 Sep 12 - 07:10 AM
Amos 16 Sep 12 - 03:03 PM
gnu 16 Sep 12 - 03:07 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 16 Sep 12 - 06:29 PM
Amos 16 Sep 12 - 07:22 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 12 - 08:13 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 16 Sep 12 - 08:24 PM
Amos 16 Sep 12 - 10:48 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 16 Sep 12 - 11:06 PM
Acme 17 Sep 12 - 01:13 AM
Rapparee 17 Sep 12 - 10:04 AM
Amos 17 Sep 12 - 11:51 AM
Amos 17 Sep 12 - 12:28 PM
gnu 17 Sep 12 - 05:41 PM
Rapparee 17 Sep 12 - 09:52 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 12 - 06:38 AM
Little Hawk 18 Sep 12 - 11:20 AM
MMario 18 Sep 12 - 11:58 AM
gnu 18 Sep 12 - 02:49 PM
Amos 18 Sep 12 - 03:38 PM
gnu 18 Sep 12 - 03:50 PM
Amos 18 Sep 12 - 10:58 PM
Little Hawk 18 Sep 12 - 11:14 PM
Amos 18 Sep 12 - 11:58 PM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 12 - 12:27 AM
Rapparee 19 Sep 12 - 12:45 AM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 12 - 12:48 AM
Rapparee 19 Sep 12 - 10:08 AM
Amos 19 Sep 12 - 11:13 AM
Acme 19 Sep 12 - 11:52 AM
Amos 19 Sep 12 - 12:35 PM
Rapparee 19 Sep 12 - 01:12 PM
Amos 19 Sep 12 - 04:16 PM
gnu 19 Sep 12 - 05:46 PM
Rapparee 19 Sep 12 - 07:32 PM
gnu 19 Sep 12 - 07:44 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 19 Sep 12 - 08:19 PM
Rapparee 19 Sep 12 - 09:14 PM
Amos 19 Sep 12 - 11:43 PM
Rapparee 20 Sep 12 - 09:27 AM
Amos 20 Sep 12 - 09:38 AM
Rapparee 20 Sep 12 - 09:42 AM
Rapparee 20 Sep 12 - 09:44 AM
Amos 20 Sep 12 - 10:41 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Sep 12 - 11:06 AM

You owe Chongo an apology...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 15 Sep 12 - 12:39 PM

He owes me about a hundred apologies by now, but I will settle for just one, cos of what a nice guy I am.

Or I'd be willin' to take monthly payments. A mere couple hundred a month would go a long way toward soothin' my ruffled feelings.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Sep 12 - 01:11 PM

Of course, 100 apologies would put you over 46,000.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 12 - 06:44 PM

Chonga, my apologies come in 255 grains, boxes of 50.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 Sep 12 - 07:04 PM

"255 grains"

There ya go again. Why in **** would you shoot a small primate with that? YOU, SIR, are not eco friendly. I suggest you reduce your carbon footprint by using a bullet that has less impact on the environment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 12:00 AM

255 grains of aspirin? Or salt?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 07:10 AM

Lead. Flat point, preferably. I can raise it to 300 grains. Say, 850 fps -- don't want it to go through half a dozen houses or anything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 03:03 PM

The power of Unreality, that it can drive a man to threaten to aim a lethal weapon at a vaporous figment of someone else's imagination, surpasseth all understanding indeed!!

Whsat if that kind of creative power were used to induce a fierce determinism to remedy the real ills of our species, rather than merely patch up conceits and vapors? Wouldn't THAT be something?


And Mom, I have been away in Los Angeles--my adopted son there threw a big party to celebrate my retirement and biorthday. I was delighted and full of warm familial bonhomie.

Now, however I am back for a few days before I take off for my walkabout in the wilds of Carolina!! Can't wait!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 03:07 PM

Oh to be in Carolina in the morning!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 06:29 PM

$46,000 would be more than enough to satisfy me, Stilly. I could easily overlook all of Rapparazzi's past insults to me for a generous sum like that.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 07:22 PM

What does it mean when a vaporus imaginary character starts demanding money? Sure, Chongo, here's TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND BUCKS (wiggles fingers madly in the air).

There ya go!! Don't spend it all in one place.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 08:13 PM

Amos, the bullets are not imaginary. I have some (use them for one sort of target shooting). But I don't need them to vaporize a "vaporous" character.

You see, Chonga is just as real to me right now as you are, i.e., an exchange of electrons and data packets over various sorts of links which are re-assembled at the receiving end is a semi-coherent form. At the end of this month I'll be at Getaway and if you are there (as you say you'll be) then you can become "realer" than Chonga. This could change radically if LH were to move his rear end out of Orilla and go to Getaway as well, because he would bring his fictons with him.

But right now you're as real to me as Chonga (Chinga and Chonga were originally twin sisters, you know.)

Why don't you plan on visiting Pocatello the second Saturday in October? I'll warrant that you'll have a bang-up good time!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 08:24 PM

Yer imaginary money don't impress me, Amos. It is as insubstantial as the rest of yer imaginary fantasies.

Anyways, Rapparazzi has explained it so that even a 5-year old human could understand it, and if that ain't good enough fer you then I figger no one can explain it to you.

- Chongo

p.s. Did you know that Rapparazzi is a secret male impersonator? A real ugly woman masqueradin' as a man? I was shocked when I first found out, but I am acceptin' it now. The bad part is...I ain't allowed to beat him into a pulp anymore now that I know. That is frustratin', but that's life.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 10:48 PM

How soon we forget, you fuzz-heads. I know how real Rapp is; I have transported him, seen him clamber, fed him spaghetti, and heard him sing. Chongo, on the other hand, has no existence except in the imaginations of those who imagine him; so it makes little sense for him to want something other than imaginary money. It's like asking for Monopoly money when you plan to buy real property. It wouldn't work where you are. I'm sure you can see this.

The whole quandary, Rapp, is that you seem to think nothing wrong with threatening a phantasm with lead bullets. This like offering to cure a nightmare by using an ABC fire extinguisher. It's a different system of creations. Come on, now, admit it.

The big question is why Chongo thinks there is no difference between the world of his watery day-dream images, and concrete real things like bullets, my spaghetti, and the ocean, for example.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 16 Sep 12 - 11:06 PM

We got no arguments about bullets and the ocean, Amos, but I am real skeptical about yer spaghetti. I don't think it really exists, and I am not changin' my mind until I get to taste some of it.

Anyway, as I pointed out on another thread, material existence ain't all that big a deal. Ya know why? Because it don't usually last all that long, but an idea can last for thousands of years!

Think about that, why don'tcha, Mr smart guy? See...Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is long dead. So is Mark Twain. But Sherlock Holmes and Tom Sawyer live on, and that's what I'll do long after you and yer ilk have faded from memory. I am immortal, sucker! You ain't.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 12 - 01:13 AM

I don't suppose Little Hawk ever heads south to the Getaway does he? I can just imagine what he has to declare as far as "baggage" at the border. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 12 - 10:04 AM

No, it was real spaghetti and it was pretty good, too, considering it was the first time he'd ever made it. Pretty good wine as well, and Amos in the flesh isn't so ugly he scares eels and/or kraken. He plays a wicked guitar, but he set it on the path of righteousness and it only sometimes slips into its old evil ways. Amos is a crack wing shot, consistently scoring an average 99 out of 100 clay pigeons in skeet and his writings are on a par with the best of today's writers. As a seaman he is without peer, once raced, and won, in a circumnavigation of the globe against Captain Hendrick Vanderdecken. Although he'll downplay his part in it, Amos actually inspired the dream that gave Watson the idea for the double helical structure of the DNA molecule when he put a twist in his jump while running the 800 meter hurdles in a demonstration match at Cambridge. He's taught at the Sorbonne and MIT, and for a few years held the same chair at King's as Hawking does now. He's argued before the Supreme Court in several cases (all decided in the favor of his client), assisted Christian Barnard in the first heart transplant, and discovered the meson. A Chevalier of the Legion d'Honneur for his services to France, a member of the Order of the Garter, he remains humble and quite approachable, willing to share his knowledge and a bottle of good wine when he isn't on a mission to various parts of the world for the CIA or MI6.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 12 - 11:51 AM

Dang, Rapp, you don't half have to spill the beans, eh?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 12 - 12:28 PM

Swimming with the monkey...looks like at least one bimbo fell for it.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Sep 12 - 05:41 PM

Ya know... oh, nevermind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 12 - 09:52 PM

I didn't mention that Amos is more powerful than a locomotive and can leap tall buildings in a single bound...and he's immune to kryptonite.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 06:38 AM

On September 18, 1970, in London, Jimi Hendrix died at the age of 27, after he appeared as back-up guitarist for Amos on Amos' first album. That album, "The Basement Road Album," was never released -- held back by the recording industry so that Hendrix's rep would continue to be held in high esteem. Over the years certain musicians have heard parts of it, or so it is rumored. Joplin, Mama Cass, Kurt Corban, to name but a few, despaired after hearing it. It inspired Bruce Springsteen and George Strait. Most who have heard it have abandoned a musical career and went into other fields, such as car washer, knowing that they could never achieve the same level of musicianship.

Yes, Amos is real. Ask Hendrix.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 11:20 AM

This is interesting, Rap. Your occasional excessive bouts of mega-braggadocio are usually reserved for describing yourself...but now you're describing Amos that way instead.

Odd.

How much did he pay you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 11:58 AM

Rp - you forgot to mention that Amos is also High Priest Emeritus of the Temple of the Golden Globes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 02:49 PM

So, A is a potentlactate?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 03:38 PM

More of a KurvenMeister, I'd say. I must say this rhapsody from the Noble Rapparree, whose reputation for sooth-saying is beyond all question, is quite inspiring and is helping me adjust to my new status in relative vacuuo.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 03:50 PM

"vacuuo"? Do some housework.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 10:58 PM

My new status does not suck, Good Gnus.

I am a bit disoriented, losing track of the days of the week, but aside from that, I am ramping up to a normal existence in my solitary hours of self-determination with no major neuroses manifesting themselves.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 11:14 PM

That is good to hear. If any major neurosis does start to rear its ugly head, Chongo can probably recommend a good primate psychoanalyst to assist you in attaining relative normalcy. They usually charge less than their human counterparts, so it's worth considering, should the need arise.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 12 - 11:58 PM

Lemme get this straight, my broke-dick jadrool friend. You invent a monkey. Then you're telling me if I need mental help I should ask the imaginary monkey to recommend an imaginary practitioner of an imaginary specialty because he might give me a discount? ANd you dreamed up this recommendation on my account?

Thanks so much, man; you really shouldn't have...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 12:27 AM

(sigh)

I keep wondering where you went wrong in life, Amos, when your train jumped the track, as it were. Yours is a sad case, my friend, and I feel for you. Like a brother. Yes, I can feel my eyes tearing up a little now just thinking about your plight. (Sniff!) (to quote Bobert)

"Let me make this perfectly clear..." (quoting Richard Nixon now)

To start with...ahem! "broke-dick jadrool"???? Okay, to begin with, you cannot break a dick. Well, not unless it's been frozen solid first. And if it has, it's really of no use any longer. So it wouldn't matter anymore if it got broken. You see, a dick has no bones in it, so it's flexible. You can't break it, not anymore than you can break a tongue. You follow? It bends, but it doesn't break. True, they don't bend as easily when they're...you know...but still, they don't break.

And..."jadrool"? What sort of term is that for a Mensa graduate to use? Good heavens, man, you weren't raised by your saintly mother to stoop so low as to use gutter language like "jadrool", a term that should only come out of the mouth of some filthy street urchin or cleat-wearing gang member from the bad side of Little Italy.

Then you speak of an "imaginary monkey". Could you be referring to our friend Chongo? I hope not! Chongo is an ape, not a monkey. The distinction is obvious and needs no further explanation. Were Chongo to hear that you had called him a monkey, he might take umbrage...extreme umbrage...and this might result in him doing something like going to San Diego and ripping your face off. That wouldn't be a desirable development. I suggest that you retract your statement.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 12:45 AM

Bring Chonga to Getaway and let 'em duke it out! Maybe in the Peace Cabin. Chonga could play the accordion (chimps are so darned cute when they do that!) and Amos could play the guitar. The setup would be "dueling banjos" style.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 12:48 AM

What a lovely idea! ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 10:08 AM

Mom, I'm back in Idaho. Don't worry about me if you've seen the reports that the Black Death is in resurgence out here because it's not true. Plague is officially on the list of "Reportable Diseases" and no self-respecting disease wants to be reported to the Idaho Bad Diseases Police. So don't worry about those reports. Or the ones about Ebola, hanta virus, hemorraghic fever, mumps, measles, yellow fever, schistosomiosis, Guinea worm or Asiatic cholera. We're fine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 11:13 AM

Oh, great. Now, in addition to offering me your phantasms to remedy my non-existant mental illness, you are asking me to shiver with fear at the thought of imaginary creatures attacking my body. Great. If I were to follow your advice, Mister Wonderland, I'd have enough paranoiac mental illness to justify asking the daemons for assistance!! It might occur to you that Linnaean categorization does not matter when applied to imaginary critters. What genus is a unicorn, pray tell?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 11:52 AM

Funny you should mention that, Rap. I was going to ask you about Ebola. I hope you were very careful about picking up hitch hikers on this trip.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 12:35 PM

The coincidence of these two conversations is wunnerful to behold, and inspires me to introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen of the MOAB, a NEW imaginary crea-ah-choor to weave spells of delight and wonderment in the glittering halls of Casa di Momma:

Ladies and gennulmen, allow me to introduce the one and only EBOLA THE UNICORN!!! Tadaaa. Her wavy black mane and ochre skin belie the power of her flashing magenta eyes when she is aroused, and the power of her milk-white single horn to attract virgins and calm the sweaty breasts of military personnel is unparalleled in human history.

If you need a virgin allured, or a rabid military type becalmed, don't fuss or bother with old-fashioned remedies! CALL EBOLA!!

Other magical services available on arrangement. Fees subject to upward negotiation depending on complexity of spells and services. Ebola reserves the right to refuse to perform magical services for anyone when confronted with negative vibes, man.

Remember. folks, if you want magic done right, don't call for second-best. Call on EBOLA the UNICORN today!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 01:12 PM

"What genus is a unicorn?" Amos asked.

Assuming you meant the traditional, horse-like, land animal, then you will find that there are two genuses to Family Unicephalousvirialun: Protovirialum, the archaic, goat-sized, goateed, lion-tailed unicorn and Cephalousvirialun, all other unicorns.

Ask a librarian, get the correct answer.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 04:16 PM

Oh, what bibliocity, what soporific ambivalence, what a diasporic transcendental ignominy, what codswallop. That is not the "correct" answer, but the answer someone made up somewhere and posted to WikiANswers to satisfy the absurd question of a sub-literate. Now you have pretentiously pissed off the very heart of Ebola the Unicorn, and her eyes are beginning to flash. She lowers her horn in your general direction.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 05:46 PM

"...losing track of the days of the week..."

And so it begins.

Take care. You still have much to offer and to do but you'd best be at it if you are losing track of anything. Llosing time is the worst as there isn't much time left.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 07:32 PM

All right, you asked for it....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 07:44 PM

Bring it on. Ya wanna fuck with me? Go ahead. Your move.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 08:19 PM

That's tellin' 'em, gnu. Just the way I woulda put it....unless a lady was present, that is, in which case I woulda worded it slightly differently. I woulda said, "You want a piece of ME? Bring it on!   Go ahead, sucker. Your move."

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 09:14 PM

Shiver me timbers, me hearties, it be "Talk Like A Pirate Day" and not one of ye swabs has spoken a word about it! I be telling ye mizzen-masted lily-livers a true story from when I was last in Port Royale:

A pirate captain walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch. The barman asks him if he knows that he has a steering wheel in his crotch and the captain replied, "AAAAAAAAARRGH! I do be knowin' that, and it's drivin' me nuts!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 12 - 11:43 PM

All right, you feather muckers and Mother posters; we gots only FIFTY-FIVE big ones to go before we ACE the $*&^#@*b 46 of KAY!!! Ya know whuddImsayin?

Let's make them righteous, now. No cupcake recipes, no one-word throw-away bullshit, no random titillation devoid of true BS values, okay? Make it rich, make it deep, make it vivid, make it fiery and above all make it BS.

Otherwise I yam siccing Ebola the Unicorn on youse.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Sep 12 - 09:27 AM

What say?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 12 - 09:38 AM

Thou taunting mackerel, thou spiff, thou meaty-headed poltroon!

You don't ask people to REPEAT something they WROTE you!! That's dumb.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Sep 12 - 09:42 AM

We all took music lessons, of course. I learned to play the trumpet, Tony learned the trombone and Martha studied violin. Ted studied saxophone, trumpet and guitar -- more than any of the rest of us.
        Of course we all took piano lessons too.
        It was Ted's musical skills that prevented him from being bitten by the rattlesnake. And what with one thing and another it all led to . . . but let me start at the beginning.
        Snakes hibernate all winter, except for snow snakes, which estivate. But decent snakes hibernate and come out in the Spring. When they come out of their dens they're hungry and they look for food to regain their strength.
        Up to now I haven't said much about the regular snakes in the Boogie Swamp, but they were there. Garter snakes (which we called gardener snakes), black snakes, king snakes, water moccasins, milk snakes, hoop snakes, rat snakes, bamboo vipers, both rock and reticulated pythons, both king and spitting cobras, black mambas, fer-de-lances, coral snakes, anacondas, puff adders, asps and of course rattlesnakes.
        There were sidewinders, pygmy rattlers, massasauga rattlers, timber rattlers -- why, some days when you'd walk around in the Swamp it seemed that every stick you picked up turned out to be a snake!
        One day Tony picked up a copperhead to hit a piece of elm! That was exciting!
        As a rule snakes won't bother you if you leave them alone. And they do a lot of good for people! Really!
        But it was one morning in early Spring and the sun was up and starting to melt a light frost from the night before. It had been foggy and the trees wore a coat of rime so that they look like white jewel trees when the sun touched them.
        We set out, Tony and Martha and Ted and I, on a hike. We'd been inside all Winter (or so it seemed), so we hiked out and fooled around by Cedar Creek and by midafternoon we were on our way home, cutting through the Boogie Swamp.
        We took a break and sat on some rocks. I'd been whittling, and Ted picked up a stick and started to whittle also. As he whittled he whistled.
        He was whistling The Stars and Stripes Forever when and we heard the buzz of a rattlesnake right next to him!
        Ted started to whistle faster and faster, and as he whistled he whittled faster and faster. He whittled his stick into pieces, whittled the pieces into slivers and the slivers into sawdust. He whittled so fast that the sawdust started to smoke -- and none of the stuff he had whittled even touched the ground before it caught fire. We'd never seen anyone whittle that fast before!
        A piece of hot sawdust burned his hand and he said "Ouch!" and stopped whistling.
        When he stopped whistling, a big rattlesnake at least eight feet long crawled from beside him, coiled itself in front of him and looked at him.
        The snake's tongue kept going in and out, in and out, "smelling" Ted. Finally the snake started to rattle. Just a little, sort of tentatively and sort of jerky.
        Ted whistled a few bars of The Stars and Stripes Forever. He later said that he didn't know what else to do because there wasn't anything left to whittle.
        And you know, that old snake rattled right along with the music!
        Ted kept on whistling and made little motions for us to leave while the snake was rattling along with John Phillips Sousa.
        We quietly and carefully left and waited in the cemetery by Daddy's grave, our usual rendezvous. We hoped that he'd get away without getting bitten, but that if he did get bitten he'd get out of the Boogie Swamp before he got really sick or died. Otherwise we'd have to get him out.
        Finally, after what seemed like hours because it was, Ted appeared. He'd whistled just about every song he knew and had finally told the snake (who he'd named Rex) that he had to go. He said that the snake seemed to understand and even showed Ted a new shortcut out of the Swamp.
        After that afternoon Ted would whistle up Rex every time we'd go into the Swamp. They'd sit there whistling and rattling, and it got so that Ted would even sneak off by himself to see Rex.
        We never told anyone about this, not even Mom. How could you explain that your youngest brother played whistle in a duet with a giant rattlesnake?
        We asked Ted if he was going to put Rex in the theatre or in the movies and make a lot of money, but he said no, it was just in fun and besides it was Art. We said fine -- art, huh?
        Fall came and finally Rex went off to wherever he -- or maybe she -- hibernated. Ted missed his serpentine friend but got over it by Christmas.
        The next Spring Ted couldn't find Rex anywhere. He looked and whistled all over the Boogie Swamp, but there was no Rex to be found.
        Ted was really very disappointed, but he didn't let it stop him from doing other things.
        But it was a strange Summer, too. We didn't see ANY rattlers in the Swamp. None at all.
        School started and Autumn fell. Ted hadn't seen his slithery sidekick for a whole year.
        Then one day, when the leaves were red and gold and the sky was bright blue with white clouds and there was a hint of cool, we four were again hiking through the Swamp, returning from gathering hickory nuts along Cedar Creek.
        Ted was trudging along dejectedly, thinking, we knew, about Rex.
        We stopped for a minute and suddenly Ted's head snapped up and he looked off to the left and shouted "Rex!" and tore off through the bushes!
        Then we heard it too -- the faint sound of a rattlesnake shaking his rattles to the tune of The Stars and Stripes Forever.
        We followed the path Ted had cleared for us through the brambles and we found him sitting on a long rock, facing a good-sized depression.
        We sat on the rock next to Ted and saw that the depression was filled with rattlesnakes. There must have been seventy-five or eighty of them: long ones and short ones, fat and skinny, some with lots of rattles and some with just a few.
        And in front of them all was Rex.
        Rex coiled himself up and -- I swear that this is true! -- he bowed to Ted and made little bows to us.
        Then he turned back to the other rattlers and they formed rows and the rattling got quiet.
        Rex pumped his head a couple of times and the rattlers started rattling. It took a moment, but we realized that we were hearing The Washington Post March!
        When it was over we clapped and clapped and clapped. And it dawned on us that the reason that rattlesnakes were so scarce that Summer was because Rex had been teaching them the music he had learned from Ted!
        It was a grand concert! We heard Manhattan Beach and Hands Across the Sea and The Washington and Lee Swing and The Notre Dame Victory March and On Wisconsin and Fight Fiercely, Harvard and The Air Force Song and the Triumphal March from Aida and Home On the Range and Three Jolly Coachmen and They're Moving Father's Grave To Build a Sewer and Clementine and Bell Bottom Trousers and Anchors Aweigh and the largo from Dvorak's The New World Symphony and Eine Kleine Nachtmusik and Bach's famous Toccata and Fugue and at the end, of course, The Stars and Stripes Forever.
        Each of the snakes took a little bow after Rex motioned them up, just like a human conductor who was proud of his or her orchestra.
        We clapped so hard that they played Puff the Magic Dragon as an encore.
        Then they all bowed again and slithered away into a hole beneath another rock because it was getting dark and it was, after all, time to hibernate.
        Ted looked at his friend Rex and Rex looked at Ted and no one said anything. Then Rex left to join his fellows for the winter and we went home to a supper of fondue and flapjacks and fool and frittata and fillets and farl and fruitade to drink, and of course, fruit flambé for dessert.
        I don't know what ever happened to Rex and the All-Rattler Orchestra, but I heard some Mexican music that makes me think that maybe Rex taught maracas in Mexico. Ted may know, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Sep 12 - 09:44 AM

Bon, Amòs, koulye a se vire nou.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 12 - 10:41 AM

See? SEE? THAT'S what I'm talking about. This Rapparee, the acerbic, the abrasive, the indolent, the self-indulgent, is a MASTER OF BS. He's right up there in the Clemens Camp. I tell ya, good BS like this, why it purely makes the world go around.

But, please: NO MORE HUNGARIAN!


A


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