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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

gnu 31 Jul 16 - 03:22 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Jul 16 - 04:12 PM
Rapparee 31 Jul 16 - 09:38 PM
Acme 01 Aug 16 - 01:43 PM
Amos 01 Aug 16 - 06:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Aug 16 - 08:21 PM
Rapparee 01 Aug 16 - 09:01 PM
Acme 01 Aug 16 - 10:37 PM
Rapparee 01 Aug 16 - 10:52 PM
gnu 01 Aug 16 - 11:21 PM
Little Hawk 02 Aug 16 - 08:04 AM
Little Hawk 02 Aug 16 - 08:09 AM
Rapparee 02 Aug 16 - 08:57 AM
Little Hawk 02 Aug 16 - 10:42 PM
Rapparee 02 Aug 16 - 10:55 PM
Amos 03 Aug 16 - 01:37 AM
Little Hawk 03 Aug 16 - 08:38 AM
Donuel 03 Aug 16 - 08:46 AM
Rapparee 03 Aug 16 - 09:52 AM
Rapparee 03 Aug 16 - 09:55 AM
Little Hawk 03 Aug 16 - 09:48 PM
Acme 03 Aug 16 - 11:34 PM
Rapparee 04 Aug 16 - 09:31 AM
Donuel 04 Aug 16 - 08:23 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Aug 16 - 09:09 PM
Rapparee 04 Aug 16 - 09:41 PM
Donuel 05 Aug 16 - 05:37 PM
Acme 05 Aug 16 - 10:39 PM
Little Hawk 06 Aug 16 - 08:15 AM
Little Hawk 06 Aug 16 - 08:19 AM
Rapparee 06 Aug 16 - 10:03 AM
Amos 07 Aug 16 - 12:32 AM
Donuel 07 Aug 16 - 06:48 PM
Rapparee 08 Aug 16 - 09:19 AM
Donuel 08 Aug 16 - 12:26 PM
Rapparee 08 Aug 16 - 12:32 PM
Rapparee 09 Aug 16 - 10:37 AM
gnu 09 Aug 16 - 02:49 PM
Rapparee 09 Aug 16 - 10:06 PM
Amos 10 Aug 16 - 02:51 AM
gnu 10 Aug 16 - 05:45 AM
Rapparee 10 Aug 16 - 06:39 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Aug 16 - 08:24 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Aug 16 - 01:11 PM
gnu 11 Aug 16 - 10:37 AM
gnu 11 Aug 16 - 01:55 PM
keberoxu 12 Aug 16 - 12:18 PM
Little Hawk 12 Aug 16 - 03:26 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Aug 16 - 03:36 PM
Little Hawk 12 Aug 16 - 04:48 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 03:22 PM

Oh. Yeah. I was gonna post about the fact that I saw the movie "The Deer Slayer" and didn't care for it. Or was that "The Deer Hunter"? Anyway, even though Christopher Walken was in it, I still didn't like it. Then, someone started talking about bullshit and, of course, my inner bullshitter couldn't resist.

Who doesn't like Christopher Walken? De Niro is in it too and he's kinda a good actor but he ain't no Walken. You can act batshit crazy or you can be batshit crazy and still act... ya kno-oooow?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 04:12 PM

The quality of bullshit is not strain'd,
It ploppeth as huge turds from a bull's anus
Upon the grass beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that shiteth and him that's shat upon....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 09:38 PM

Now o'er one half the Mudcat bullshit seems dead
And wicked facts abuse that troubled sleep.
Too many celebrate pale Aletheia's offerings,
And the withered Pseudologoi,
Alarmed by their sentinel the bull
Whose feces are their watch,
With Dolos' ravishing strides,
Moves like a ghost!
Oh, thou sure and firm-set dungheap!
Hear not my facts which way they wend
For fear the very plops prate of my truthlessness!

(A loud flatulation is heard)

I go, and it is done -- the flatus invites me!
Hear it not, for it is a bell
That summons thee to heaven -- or to someplace else.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 01:43 PM

Staples isn't a "real" printer. They print the most commonplace sizes and styles of documents. Go to a real printer - most of them have digital presses now that are the size of a zamboni and can do small runs on all sorts and sizes of paper at a reasonable price.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 06:02 PM

I sing of bullshit, wide and deep
Whose warmest heart recoils at fear
Which sprang full-formed, (and wrapped in beer)
From proud young Taurus' steaming flank.
A bold relief, the pride of man
That on the heated soil now stands
Between the bovines massive feet,
While 'round it cherubs do repeat:
"There is some shit I will not eat."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 08:21 PM

Do you think one of those Zamboni printers could print the entire contents of the MOAB on the floor of a hockey rink, and then cover it in ice so the hockey players could read it whenever they take a break from beating the shit out of each other?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 09:01 PM

I think that's an excellent idea! But perhaps it should be a giant screen so they could be kept up to date. Besides, hockey players need lots of big letters and small words.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 10:37 PM

I also think that's an excellent idea. I saw some obsolete technology in my workplace last week, micro-printing that is intended to be put under a magnifying glass to read. They wanted to save space, many documents in one box, but as large as MOAB is, I believe a regular 12 point font (Times New Roman) on standard margins and 8.5 x 11" paper would be perfect under the ice of a hockey rink.

Be sure it's an environmentally friendly printer cartridge, soy vs whatever ink. When the ice melts I don't want to hear about dead salmon in nearby creeks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 10:52 PM

I don't see a problem. Instead of a giant skating screen under-ice printers could print out new pages and gently slide them into position under the ice. If the paper ever filled up the ice rink the font size could be reduced; when it becomes too small to read even by hockey players with their face being ground into the ice the ice could either be ground to a magnifying lens or replaced with such a lens. Max would probably fork over the money to do this.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 11:21 PM

I just read poetry that even the author of which may not realize is poetry. To me, at least, it was, as I say, poetry. I shan't explain. Even the author would balk at my claim, should I name, the author.

gnightgnu

I harvested a cherry tomatoe today! More are ripening! And, I have Roma 'maters coming!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Aug 16 - 08:04 AM

I have an answer to one of several questions you asked way back there, Rap. The answer is...

No.

Now see if you can figure out which question it was. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Aug 16 - 08:09 AM

I agree, by the way, that Samuel Clemens was a superb writer, probably the best of his time.

I haven't read any of James Fenimore Cooper's prose yet (aside from Classics Illustrated comics versions of his books). I guess I've really missed out on something there, eh? :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Aug 16 - 08:57 AM

LH, it doesn't matter. I'm used to that word, "No." I've heard it all my life. "No, you can't have any more gruel! We're poor and you know you have to share your gruel with your brothers and sister!" "No, I'm afraid you don't deserve a better grade. I gave you an F because I can't go any lower." "No, you didn't make the team and never try out again!" "No, you didn't qualify on the rifle range and you're on KP for the rest of your time in the Army!" "NO! And get your hands off my knees!" "No, you drank the last of it last night." "No, you don't deserve a raise!" "NO! And get out of my office!" That's only some of it. Rejection is a natural to me as hermaphroditism is to Chongx or sleeping in a puddle he made is to Shame.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Aug 16 - 10:42 PM

See, that's what I mean. You seemingly have no respect for either Chongo or Shane! This is soooo hard to believe.

Mind, you, in Shane's case....well, yes, I can see some justification for not entirely respecting him...

But in Chongo's case? Good lord, man, what could you be thinking? Chongo is a noble example of all that is good in primates. He leaves most humans in the dust. He wears cool clothing and always carries a gun. He drives a car with running boards, and can fire off a full clip from the driver side window while steering at breakneck speeds with the other hand.

He dates slinky women and works out at the local gym.

He has read all the Philip Marlowe tales.

He doesn't play video games.

What is not to like and admire about this remarkable ape???? Hmm? Tell me. You can't do it, can you? You're at a loss for words.

That's right, just slink off and admit you were wrong to ever diss Chongo Chimp. Just deal with it, okay?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Aug 16 - 10:55 PM

"...can fire off a full clip from the driver side window...."

A clip? A clip or a magazine? A magazine has a spring and a follower, as you can see, while a clip does not. A clip is pretty useless without a magazine, unless you a) throw it at someone or b) bang on it with a rock until the cartridges go off (possibly taking your hand along).

And I assume, living in the US and/or Canada, Chong' must be left handed and left eye dominant if accuracy is to mean anything.

As for Shame, I doubt that he can differentiate between right and left. I understand he used to think of clean and dirty until he became so filthy it didn't matter.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Aug 16 - 01:37 AM

The sad tedium of picking nits has risen to heights of esteem and ill-earned repute in this sorry hovel.

Go thou, cousin Rapp, and make Mom breakfast instanter, with stome-ground six-grain Maine blueberry muffins.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Aug 16 - 08:38 AM

Any sentient being (with the possible exception of yourself) knows exactly what I mean when I say that Chongo fires off "a full clip", Rap, so don't waste my time with your petty nitpicking of words and phrases, okay?

And...he fires the gun with his right hand...while steering with his left. The right arm reaches across in front of him...pointing the gun out the window...and he fires. Dead simple. And a soon to be dead target too, most likely.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Aug 16 - 08:46 AM

What is Chongo doing in this time of the great Exodus of chimps from private labs into the "world" of relative freedom?

Gnu some dyslexics find it hard to resist poetry for prose. I was once surprised when someone had pointed out I had posted a complete and correct sonnet. Consciously I did not know the rules. The last dyslexic poet to win a Pulitzer was in 2008.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-advantages-of-dyslexia/

Rapparee You could write the screenplays for the kind of movies I would love to see if they combined real swamp people, erudite genius' and sci fi.

still in awe after all these years regarding Amos consciousness.

Bee the rules of writing are enlightening but separate from the lightening destinations of consciousness.



(a 12 second stream of BS consciousness but a 15 minute translation into words)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Aug 16 - 09:52 AM

LH, wouldn't it be simpler to remove the windshield (windscreen)? Or mount the gun under the hood of the car and fire it remotely from inside the passenger compartment?

Chong' is following some baddies and they start shooting at him. He lines up the hood and presses the button on the handle of the emergency brake and BAM! BAM! Shots from the two 454 Casull* caliber revolvers mounted under the hood (bonnet) fire through holes under the hood (bonnet) ornament and crash into the baddies' car! BAM! BAM! Two more leaden slugs of death and the front car skids off the road and (for some reason) explodes into a ball of fire! Chong' pulls over, sees there are no survivors, takes a bad of bank loot that was ejected from the smoldering wreck, and drives off sucking on a Scotch-flavored lollipop.



*.454 Casull: the Casull round uses a small rifle primer rather than a pistol primer, because it develops extremely high chamber pressures of over 60,000 CUP (copper units of pressure) (410 MPa), and needs a significantly stronger cup than a pistol primer. The .454 Casull is one of the most powerful handgun cartridges in production. It can deliver a 250 grain (16 g) bullet with a muzzle velocity of over 1,900 feet per second (580 m/s), developing up to 2,000 ft-lb (2.7 kJ) of energy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Aug 16 - 09:55 AM

Come to think of it, Chong' could simply open the sunroof, stand up, and steer with her/his feet! That would free the hands for shooting! Or even steer with the tail inherited from his/her howler monkey father and shoot with both hands and feet!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Aug 16 - 09:48 PM

Hmm, yes...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Aug 16 - 11:34 PM

SciFi and chimps with guns. Sounds like the premise for the next reality program hit on the WB network.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Aug 16 - 09:31 AM

Household hints for everyone!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Aug 16 - 08:23 PM

Halfway between Wind Cave and Scenic, Amos was finishing his drone Lidar measurements of an area that 2D and 3D seismic mapping indicated a symmetrical underground feature. Actually it was not symmetrical but face like, and we all know how normal that is. "Hey Ebbie you wanna go to Rapid City?" Ray called out. Ebbie knew what that meant, "It'll be dark by the time we get back to the corral, besides Red Lobster is over priced." They both closed the doors in unison and the Ford half ton started right up.

Back at the Company Corral where retired boomer agents and operatives celebrate their last hurrah with assisted living, dirty tricks and clandestine technology, a Fed Ex semi-truck was making a delivery at the kitchen dock. The air freight containers disrupted the kitchen and filled two sitting dens no one ever used.

The first sitting for dinner was already filling in with people already representing one of the four cliques. While clients varied by 20 or more the dining room always divided itself into the four groups...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Aug 16 - 09:09 PM

Acme, I share your concern about dead salmon, but have you ever tried to eat a live salmon? Doesn't work very well. Suckers will jump right off your plate and flap around on the table until you stick 'em with a fork and get blood everywhere. Grizzly bears seem to enjoy them, but a grizzly's table manners make Shane McBride look like Emily Post.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Aug 16 - 09:41 PM

The door opened suddenly and a man dressed in black, complete with balaclava, entered. He carried a pale gray MP7A2 in a holster on his hip.

"West! You foul-mouth and minded, caluminous, wrangling, poor, unhappy knave! You are the most needless creature living! What is this crew of patches, these rude mechanicals, these common recreations you have brought? Speak, Lord Lackbeard, you whoreson malt-horse drudge!"

Nigel brightened and responded, "Younker! You old rotten medlar, you minimus, you scall, scurvy, cogging, cozening, you whoreson cullionly barbermonger, you politician! How the hell are you?"

And they embraced only as old comrades who have faced death together can.

In a moment they broke and General West said, "Ladies, let me introduce a rogue and peasant slave, but a brave man none the less, Colonel Sir James James, late of Her Majesty's Special Boat Service, VC, and all that."

"James James?" queried Penelope. "The James James?"

"Indeed, madam," James replied, and made a small bow. "Have you heard of me?"

"No, but if I had I would remember such a name."

"My parents were great fans of A. A. Milne and thought it a great honor to give me my name." He winced and said, "It's been more of a curse. 'Jim-Jim' and 'Jimmy-Jim' and other nicknames."

"You know Shakespeare," observed Chinga.

"Yes, Lit. D. Oxenford and all that. I hope you haven't read my dissertation, as it's quite the most boring and outlandish thing ever written."

West interrupted. "So, you base muleter, why did you come?"

"I thought you might like to know that an ice boat has been reported and will close with us in..." he looked at his watch "...fifteen minutes."

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Nigel, rising from his chair.

"It's under control, sir. In approximately five minutes it will enter the minefield. The fougasse should make it look like a terrible accident, so sorry and all that."

Nigel lowered himself again. "You dunghill groom! You had me going there! Anyway, could you provide quarters for these lovely ladies? Their baggage should be unloaded by now."

"Of course, good ticklebrain!"

There was a beep from his breast pocket and voice said, "Done, Colonel. No survivors. Earlier than we expected as they sped up about a hundred meters before the mines."

He touched his pocket and replied, "Did they get a message off?"

The voice said, "None detected on any band."

James said, "Good job. Thank you. Send out a disposal party and replace whatever needs replacing." He opened the door again and said, "Sergeant, please show these ladies to their quarters. Ladies, if you will? Please follow Sergeant Smythe and let him know if you need anything."

After they left, James turned to West and said, "That's not the first time the Sorry Paling crowd has sent someone out this way."

"Have they twigged?" asked Nigel.

"We don't think so, no. We think they're just expendables sent out to look around." He smiled. "Some make it back, some don't. Treacherous place, the Chukchi Sea. Ice packs and flows and danger of all sorts. Oh, yes! We're getting along fine with the Russians. We don't bother them, etc."

"We'll have to take out that Paling crowd fairly soon."

"Yes. We're just about ready. Two or three more days at the most."

"Good."

(WHAT NEXT? AND WHAT (BESIDES BREAD) IS FOUGASSE?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Aug 16 - 05:37 PM

Not to be confused with a fugazy. fagetaboutit


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Aug 16 - 10:39 PM

I'm afraid our dear Mother of all BS threads is obsolete. MOAB has been cast into the deep shadow by all of the heaps of bovine droppings cast far and wide by Donald Trump and his Ilk. The Ilk makes it smell even worse because they don't drop patties like bulls, they throw shit like the baboons in the Prospect Park Zoo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Aug 16 - 08:15 AM

You have a flare for a certain kind of literature, Rap...the kind involving military personnel, soldiers of fortune, weaponry, intrigue, and complex scenarios which lead to sudden violence...plus insights into the lives of the rich...but it all makes me wonder...

Just what sort of weirdo are you? You strike me as quite an odd man, and I say that while being a bit unusual myself. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Aug 16 - 08:19 AM

I also want you to know that Chongo forgives you. He just feels sorry for you. "That poor, poor man," he says, shaking his head sadly. "And to think I was gonna rip his fool head off. I sure do hope he gets professional help soon, 'cause he NEEDS it."

Shane, on the other hand, cuts you no such slack. He wants you dead. "FLIPPIN' DEAD!" No mercy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Aug 16 - 10:03 AM

Your friend Shame would know about being dead, as he's: brain dead, stinking like a bloated corpse in the hot sun, dead from the waist to the knees, and in general a very grave sort.

Chong', in the other hand, is very much alive. Whether working with an organ grinder, throwing poop at her/his betters, swinging by the tail from the monkey bars in the cage in the zoo, or being so cute when pretending to be rational, Chong' is alive. At least people think so, but it could be one of those animatronic constructs, I suppose.

As for my writing:

       Well, I don't know what else you might call it. After all if a reptilian creature is
hatched from an egg, flies, and breaths fire -- I call it a dragon.
        Wouldn't you?
        We called it a dragon, and she (or he) was very handy to have around, too!
        It was either '58 or it wasn't when we hiked into the Boogie Swamp and found the egg.
        The night before had been very stormy. Trees had been torn down by the wind and the rain had looked like a curtain outside of the windows. Lightning had split the sky and thunderclaps had applauded the show.
        The next morning the sky was bright blue, with lots of little fluffy white clouds. The grass and trees and bushes were covered in drops of water that sparkled like bits of crystal.
        We wondered what the storm may have done to the Swamp, and shortly after breakfast we went to find out.
        Some of the dead trees had been knocked down and the wind had blown the leftover leaves around, but except for more mud the Swamp hadn't changed much.
        Martha saw it first. It was a big egg, about the size of a football, sort of tan with brown and red and blue spots, and it was mostly buried in the mud.
        Tony said that it must have fallen from very high up because it was buried so deeply and because there were globs of mud on nearby trees that looked like they had been tossed up when the egg landed.
        All four of us gathered around the egg and discussed what to do with it. Ted touched it and said that it was warm and sort of felt like leather.
        He also said that it had moved when he touched it.
        It didn't look like it had moved, so we told him he was crazy and then a crack appeared in the top of the egg and it started to hatch.
        Watching the egg hatch was really interesting. First it sort of crackled and then it sprackled and then it rackled and then it chackled and then a little head popped out of the shell.
        The little creature then proceeded to eat the egg shell. When it was done it looked at us and sort of smiled and said, "Bleep."
        It was an awfully little dragon to be inside such a big egg, and Ted said so.
        "No, it was really to give me protection and food when I hatched," a voice said inside our heads.
        Tony said, "Huh? Who said that?" and the voice inside our heads said, "Me. Bimby. I just hatched. Which of you is my mother?"
        We were nonplussed, which is a fancy way of saying that we were as surprised as all get out.
        "Who is my mother?" asked the voice again.
        "Ah," said Ted, "Martha is a girl. . . ."
        "I'm not a mother, though," said Martha.
        The little dragon (who could easily curl up in our hands) looked like it was going to cry. "Mom? MOM? MOM?" it asked repeatedly.
        Ted picked it up and said, quietly, "Your mom's not here, I'm afraid. Could we take care of you?"
        And inside our heads the dragon sort of sighed "Yes" and curled up in Ted's hands and went to sleep.
        We knew that Bimby would be hungry when he (or she -- we never knew for sure) awakened, so we started for home. Mom would probably know what baby dragons ate, because she was a mother, after all.
        We were in the parking lot of the Stadium when a couple of big mean kids stopped us. They pushed us around and then they wanted to know what Ted was carrying so carefully.
        Ted told them, but they didn't believe him and said that it must be candy or money and they were going to take it.
        Boy, did they get a surprise!
        No matter what we did, they knocked Ted down and tried to pull his hands apart. They hit him and held him down and we couldn't see what was happening until a WHOOSH of fire shot up from the pile of people and the mean kids jumped up and ran away.
        "How the heck did you do that?" Tony asked Ted.
        "I don't really know," said a familiar voice inside our heads. "I had just awakened and I knew that they were going to hurt one of you and so, when I knew that I wouldn't hurt -- Ted? -- I just WHOOSHed away. Now I'm hungry."
        "Your whoosh is pretty good!" observed Martha. "It certainly gave those bullies a fright!"
        "Thank you," Bimby replied mildly, "But I am quite hungry now. WHOOSHing takes something out of you."
        "What would you like?" asked Tony.
        "I don't know," Bimby said. "I haven't had anything except eggshells since I was born. But, perhaps, something with lots of carbon and, oh, plant matter and -- I don't know."
        "Martha's carbon based and she ate lots of cereal for breakfast," I observed.
        Bimby's head peeked up from Ted's hands and he looked at Martha appraisingly. "No, I think not. Too -- too -- soft. Hard carbon."
        "I know!" said Tony, and he reached down and picked up a small piece of coal someone had dropped.
        Bimby sniffed at it and, in one gulp, ate it.
        "More?" Bimby asked.
        "At our house. It's not far," replied Tony.
        "Okay," said Bimby, and nestled back into Ted's hands. "But please go quickly because I am still quite hungry from WHOOSHing."
        Mom caught us bringing a bucket of coal and a hammer up from the basement and asked us what we were doing now.
        We told her we had to break up the lumps of coal so Bimby could eat them. She said, "Oh. Okay. Just be careful not to break anything."
        A little later she came out to the back yard, where we were breaking up coal and feeding it to Bimby. Mom didn't say anything about us having a baby dragon except that we had to take care of it.
        Bimby quickly got bigger. That summer we took him (or her) on Boy Scout camping trips where Bimby helped to light the campfires. And there was nothing like Bimby for lighting the charcoal grill in the backyard! Bimby even ate charcoal briquets and said that they had "a lighter taste" than coal.
        Someone called the dogcatcher about Bimby, but since there was no law about getting a license for a dragon we were left alone after that.
        By late Fall Bimby was about seven feet long, and obviously couldn't stay outside during the Winter, so we moved her (or him) into the basement by the furnace. We used coal to heat the house and Bimby would WHOOSH gently whenever the temperature in the house got too low and make the fire in the furnace burn better. In fact, Bimby's WHOOSHing caused all of the coal to burn, so there weren't any ashes to take out.
        By the time Spring came Bimby was about eighteen feet long and nearly too big to climb up the basement stairs. We all -- Mom and Bimby and everyone -- decided that Bimby should move into the cave in the Boogie Swamp, where there would be lots of room.
        Every three or four day we'd take a bushel of coal or charcoal to Bimby. We'd talk and play games and Bimby would WHOOSH a little and we'd roast wieners and marshmallows.
        One day Bimby said to us, "I've been talking with a dragon named Wei-Fan, who lives very far away. Now I know what happened on the night before I was born and why we've never found my mother."
        "Wei-Fan says that my mother was flying my egg and the eggs of my brothers and sisters to a special hatching place when she was struck by lightning. My egg was thrown away by the force of the lightning and fell into the mud of the Swamp where you guys found me. I was the only one to survive."
         It never occurred to us to ask Bimby how it was possible to talk with another dragon who was far away. Of course, we never asked how Bimby could talk inside our heads, either.        
        In late Summer we were captured by some Ruffians who felt that the Swamp would be a good place in which to hide and from which to do nefarious deeds. They were going to whittle on us with big knives when Bimby came along and the Ruffians ran away. I suppose that a dragon who was now about eighty feet long and who could WHOOSH fire five hundred yards scared them a little! Anyway, they never came back.
        About a week later Bimby told us that he (or she) would have to leave.
        Tony thought that we'd done something wrong, but Bimby said no, at a certain point growing dragons have to sleep for a long, long time in a very, very deep and quiet cave. And Bimby had to start for the cave right away, because the closest one was in Oregon. Otherwise. . .well, Bimby had to leave then and not later!
        Bimby ate the coal we'd brought and we all cried a little bit. But Bimby said that we'd hear about it when the Long Sleep was over, because Bimby would come back to see us.
        So we hugged Bimby and she (or he) stretched out BIG wings and flew up into the air like a feather. Bimby circled us twice and flew away to the west. We watched until we couldn't even see a dot in the sky anymore and then we went home to a sad supper of dates and dill and duck dumplings and dimpas dampes for dessert. We drank drambuie, of course.
        We didn't hear from Bimby for a long time, and in fact, we haven't heard from Bimby yet. But maybe. . . well, in 1980 Mt. St. Helens erupted in Oregon. Molten rock burned up trees and really messed up the landscape. And since then I've been thinking: Bimby never did like to wake up before it was time to do so, and, well, if that happened he (or she) would let you know how unhappy she (or he) was about it, roll over, and go back to sleep. Now, folks say that Mt. St. Helens was a volcano, but Bimby was going to Oregon, and maybe, just maybe . . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Aug 16 - 12:32 AM

I delight in the animation and colorful range and timber of your dancing imagination, Sir Rapp. I apologize for not being here for a while. The normal travails of quotidian life and all that. Thanks for the kind remark, Donuel; the amaze is reciprocal! :D

The odious olfactory oozings from the GOP certainly do raise a higher stink than Mom ever wanted to.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 16 - 06:48 PM

Thanks Amos, I was wondering for years why it took so long to quell an inferno after my "most amazing Man in the World' thread. The outpouring of criticism and hot bile was the most I had ever witnessed. IT LASTED FOR 10 DAYS until you put out the fire. With hero worship and loyal fans like that I too would have sat back and watched.
It still makes me chuckle.

Below was my introduction to a story that included unique weapons, herbology, magical technology, archeo-genetics, disguised politics and friends that banded together to uncover a truth no one would believe.


Basically if done right, it might slip under the radar that the story is just a Harry Potter but with near geriatric characters in a old age home, monitored so that classified material might be protected.
With an absentee administrator that is a rather young Dumbledorish character, of course a discovery allows mayhem to ensue.



Rap I bet when you write , time dilates as it would for a painter.
In my minds eye the lights are bright in the corridors that lead to writing. They are dark when it comes to reading. Are your hallways the same or is one brighter?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Aug 16 - 09:19 AM

I have, again, taken this opportunity to rescue Mom from softly and silently vanishing away. That's why I'm her favorite.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 16 - 12:26 PM

The land of nourishing friendships and between the lines nuance will not vanish. It will not fade, it is immortal in reprise. Memories of mom are unaffected by sparrows and raptors of a different legacy. This Oasis of thirst quenching language has seen migrating parrots in August disappear by September. MOM has no originator. It sprang from the egg and chicken simultaneously. Miraculously Rap was hatched in mid air and flies non stop to this day. Oh the scenes he's seen feeding on lyberries, basking in the sun above the clouds and gliding among his feather at night. And shitting with Norden bomb sight accuracy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Aug 16 - 12:32 PM

Au contraire, mon vieux. I use laser-guided "bombs."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Aug 16 - 10:37 AM

For God's sake, Mom! You were right on the brink of the perpice...prepuce...peripice...cliff!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 09 Aug 16 - 02:49 PM

SOB!!!! The Real Atlantic Stupidstore (Superstore or "Loblaw East" which has piss poor hygiene and zero customer service) has discontinued the No Name toilet tank bleach tabs. Now, I get to buy a brand name product for over twice the price and the SOB turns my clear water blue. Well, it would if I bought it. I don't want blue water in my toilet. It's an outrage! I wanna see what I pee. This is unhealthy. I shall start a campaign to rid the planet of blue toilet tank water bleach pucks* and thereby save countless lives. I am gonna write a goddamn letter (apologies to That Canadian Guy)!

*We up here in the Great White Frozen call 'em pucks on accounta tabs (lazy bastards can't spare ink for "tablets"?) are small things one would swallow when one is dosing medicine for an illness. Try swallowing something the size of a hockey puck.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Aug 16 - 10:06 PM

I swallowed a hockey puck once. It was in a game against the Red Wings. I'd fallen and WHAM! and Gordy Howe sent one right down my throat. I choked a bit but got back on my skates and went zipping around the ice. So did everyone else, because the action was so fast nobody except me knew what the puck had gone. Everybody thought someone else had it, and you never saw such a flashing of sticks! Don Cherry his own self was doing the playing and even HE couldn't tell!

I skated up near the Red Wings' goal, acting like I was waiting for a pass. Nobody was covering me, and I felt some interesting thing building up in my tummy. Suddenly I knew what was going to happen and quickly I turned my back to the goal! There was a loud eructation and suddenly the puck reappeared, flying toward the goal! The goalie tried to block the...shot...and failed. GOAL! roared Cherry. That was it -- the winning goal! End of the game! The fans went mad! All of the cheerleaders came out to repair some damage to my clothing! The Red Wings protested, of course, but the refs ruled it fair under Chapter 7, Section 17(1)(A), §29.3 of the hockey rules then in use. Then they claimed that the miasma accompanying the goal had crippled their goalie by causing uninterrupted retching, but the refs tossed that out as well. We won, 1 to 0, and progressed to the Stanley Cup or Ryder Cup or whatever it was called back then.

Yes, I've swallowed a hockey puck. Once was enough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Aug 16 - 02:51 AM

I reject the supremacy of the great God Brand. I believe a shrimp or a cutlet is itself alone, pure or foul, and no corporation shall gainsay its nature for the sake of a shekel of profit, Go the forth and hence, ye sons of Moloch--we are about our Mother's usiness!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Aug 16 - 05:45 AM

"GOAL! roared Cherry." No way. He would have gone the way of Hewitt and exclaimed, "HE SHITS... HE SCORES!!!!".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Aug 16 - 06:39 AM

Cherry could have said that. I was, um, otherwise occupied at the time, rapt in trying to keep my mother from being embarrassed by my em-bare-ass-ment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Aug 16 - 08:24 AM

Hi, Mom! This is post #54893. It is significant because if you add the individual digits in 54893 together, the sum is 29. That is significant because 29 is the number of days in February during a leap year and this year, 2016, is one of those. That is significant because the Summer Olympics are held during leap years. I love the Summer Olympics! Oh, I don't watch the Summer Olympics, but a lot of people do, which means fewer of them check out DVDs from the library during August, leaving more for me to choose from. Hurray for post #54893!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Aug 16 - 01:11 PM

Why do law enforcement trainees learning to use Tasers and tear gas have to go through the experience of being Tasered and gassed, but trainees learning to shoot a pistol don't have to take a round in the calf?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Aug 16 - 10:37 AM

Hahahahhaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Aug 16 - 01:55 PM

THAT was fun! It was near 30C and 39H. Thunderstorm blew in. I got me old lip waders* on, donned a pair of shorts and a tee, and headed out. Stood in the driveaway (yes, driveaway - I am an honourary Labradorian) and LET IT RAIN ON ME! Sheets of heavy rain. It was glorious! The temperature dropped 10C in a half hour and it was breezy so I only had a 20 minute shower but it was great! My neighbours think I am crazy... at least, that's what the voices in my head tell me. >;-)

* Lip waders... sneakers with felts glued to the soles. You can wade a lot deeper water (up to your lips) and swim too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 12:18 PM

Rapparee isn't here to keep MOAB from dropping out of sight.

I could post the "How to Prepare a Hedgehog" translation [from the French] here; however, I recommend that you visit the BS "Hedgehogs" thread and view the translation there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 03:26 PM

Bee-dub...it's because the animal rights groups and the SPCA won't allow that kind of cruelty to be inflicted on calves!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 03:36 PM

Thank you, keberoxu, for saving us from having to listen to Mom's whining and complaining about her being allowed to fall off the page. When that happens, she starts drinking rot-gut gin and feeling sorry for herself. "Nobody loves me anymore! You kids all spend your time playing on Facebook and ignoring your poor old Mom!" Then someone has to say something really funny to get her back in a good mood. Mom has issues.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 04:48 PM

That is for damned sure. Major issues.


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