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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:39 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:40 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:44 PM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 12:35 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 09:10 AM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 10:08 AM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 10:10 AM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 11:00 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 11:19 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 11:23 AM
Acme 15 Sep 06 - 12:08 PM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 12:17 PM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 12:34 PM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 12:39 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:35 PM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 03:36 PM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 03:40 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:42 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:45 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:46 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:47 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:48 PM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 04:42 PM
Acme 15 Sep 06 - 04:50 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 10:59 PM
Bunnahabhain 16 Sep 06 - 08:43 AM
Rapparee 16 Sep 06 - 12:12 PM
Acme 16 Sep 06 - 04:34 PM
Acme 17 Sep 06 - 01:39 AM
Rapparee 17 Sep 06 - 10:25 AM
Acme 17 Sep 06 - 02:01 PM
Bunnahabhain 17 Sep 06 - 04:07 PM
Rapparee 17 Sep 06 - 08:37 PM
Rapparee 17 Sep 06 - 10:02 PM
MMario 18 Sep 06 - 08:19 AM
Rapparee 18 Sep 06 - 08:34 AM
Amos 18 Sep 06 - 09:23 AM
Rapparee 18 Sep 06 - 11:44 AM
Bunnahabhain 18 Sep 06 - 01:36 PM
Amos 18 Sep 06 - 05:17 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 06 - 05:54 PM
Acme 18 Sep 06 - 06:24 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 06 - 06:41 PM
Amos 18 Sep 06 - 07:45 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 06 - 08:51 PM
Acme 18 Sep 06 - 09:13 PM
MMario 18 Sep 06 - 09:44 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 06 - 10:28 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:39 PM

She has a few others that are mighty tasty on the same page. Thus:

III.

HOPE is a subtle glutton;
He feeds upon the fair;
And yet, inspected closely,
What abstinence is there! -
His is the halcyon table
That never seats but one,
And whatsoever is consumed
The same amounts remain.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:40 PM

Or this one:

V. -

HEAVEN is what I cannot reach!
The apple on the tree,
Provided it do hopeless hang,
That "heaven" is, to me.


For someone who live such an isolated life, she sure made the most of the emotions within!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM

I. LIFE

I.

'T IS little I could care for pearls
Who own the ample sea;
Or brooches, when the Emperor
With rubies pelteth me; -
Or gold, who am the Prince of Mines;
Or diamonds, when I see
A diadem to fit a dome
Continual crowning me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM

Or this gem:

V.

SURRENDER.

Doubt me, my dim companion!
Why, God would be content
With but a fraction of the love
Poured thee without a stint.
The whole of me, forever,
What more the woman can, ?
Say quick, that I may dower thee
With last delight I own!

It cannot be my spirit,
For that was thine before;
I ceded all of dust I knew, ?
What opulence the more
Had I, a humble maiden,
Whose farthest of degree
Was that she might,
Some distant heaven,
Dwell timidly with thee!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:44 PM

Okay, they're all Emily's poems, not mine. But I had a beer this evening and was feeling cheerfully interested in the subject and they hit the spot. So to speak. :)

VI.

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemen's land.

If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:35 AM

That Stilly River, honored sage
A woman is for any age
An eye as keen as shattering shards
That glisten on the morning yard
And womanly large of mind and heart
And every other certain part,
For who but one of such a hand
Could heave us all past fourteen grand?
Yet now, at fourteen thousand one,
'T is plain to see, the act is done!
And gaze and wonder many now,
For only Stilly's shimmering brow
Was here to see us all to gain it!
No other prowess can explain it.
The prize is hers by any laws
And hers by rights the due applause
And as the night from dawn is ghosting
We thank her for such valiant posting!

Tater De Maillion Angst, Jr.
On Wings of Guppies Flying
Paris Review, May, 1929


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 09:10 AM

Actually, that first poem was changed by her editor. Here's what Emmy originally wrote. (This is true, because she gave me the original one night when we were sitting around the Fowled Anchor, drinking hot buttered rum and bellowing out ribald songs.)

DIRTY clothes a flavor has
That lawful orchards mocks;
How awful when you find that pee
Has soaked the dirty socks!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 10:08 AM

It is clear to me that Rapaire's time is spent Handeling pee, while Emily's was spent Shellying peas. I am sure Emily would never have written about pee -- she had no knowledge of it! You don't think a lady of such grace and restraint would actually pee, do you? Of course not!! This is a projection on Rapaire's part.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 10:10 AM

hey! when did we go over 14,000? I missed it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 11:00 AM

"'T was a cold autumn evening
And the Catters were leaving
With visions of beer in their heads
And the traffic declined
In the Collective Mind
And Joe Offer set to closing the threads.
Then a Gentleman dapper
Came back from the crapper
Sat down at his keyboard and said:
"Oh Catters, unkind,
Turn away not your minds!
Just think of your MOAB instead!:"

Cho:

There will always be a MOAB
To put your worries to bed
A place to confess
All the piles of BS
That have cluttered your poor spinning head !

There will always be a MOAB,
To comfort when you are annoyed;
So Folks, be not mean
Leave this thread on the screeeeeen!
And don't let it fall into the void!


A reprise of noble sentiments formed long ago when MOAB was young.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 11:19 AM

Emmy (as we called her) Dickinson was hardly the "lady" Amos imagines. Sure, she kept up a good front -- daughter of a lawyer who was the treasurer of Amherst and a Congressman and all -- but BOY! could she knock back the drinks! And those white dresses VERY naughty lingerie indeed. One night at the Pi Kappa house she...no, I can't tell about that. Let's just say that she was a very hospitable woman.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 11:23 AM

Rollin' on, rollin' on,
Rollin' on to fifteen kay,
Rollin' on, our dear old MOAB,
Rollin' on -- do not say "Nay!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:08 PM

Mmario, it seemed important to help MOM over that hurdle before one of our professional bean counters decided to knock it off as a trophy. Next time stay up late and you can do the job.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:17 PM

gee - y'know - back in the old days MOM didn't need help over the hurdles - she just went over them like they weren't even there. But she still does a pretty good steeplchase, doesn't she?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:34 PM

In your dreams, sword-boy!!

I am not going to stand mutely by while you defame the character of a lady.

If she was hospitable, it was surely not in the way your innuendo implies, you cad, you bounder, you scoundrel. Fortunately she is a bright light, against which no shadowy aspersions from idle tongues and decadent minds can last, pure as the sunlight and the fresh morning air. Go to, you are a simple villain. Get thee to some bordello more suiting your fevered, shrunken brain.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:39 PM

well now - Amos, those repressed New England women, well, you know how they can get when they move out of Daddy's place.   It's not so much a defamation of character as a fact of life.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:35 PM

Get thee to some bordello more suiting your fevered, shrunken brain.

Well now, that's were I met Emmy. I was playing trumpet with the Salvation Army band and the "girls" invited us in for tea and cookies because it was quite cold and wet outside that night. We managed to "save" Emmy from the bordello, but that was all we saved her from.

You see, she was going to tread the Primrose Path but our little group brought her to her senses before she had done much more than vaguely discuss the job with the Madam (who didn't want her anyway -- Emmy would have been nothing but trouble, considering who her father was and all).

Besides, she had a much better time on her own and got to keep all the money.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:36 PM

Fie, fie, MM, you hard-core humanist! Finally, have you no respect? The ladies of your imaginations, or of your own miscreant hijinks, are nto the stuff of which our Emily should be formed by pusillanimous projection! Not our Emily!! She was a REAL Lady!!.

Which reminds me of the Suffolk gal who went in to the doctor's because she had a bite-wound on her arm.

"Hmmm," says the doctor. "This is a bit of a strange thing. It's much too small for a horse's bite, and a bit wrongly-shaped for a dog or fox..."

"Aowww, suh!" responds the sufferer. "Hit warn't no ANI-mule! Hit were ANOTHER LYDIE!"

Sic transit gloria and suzy too.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:40 PM

yup - those new england girls are frugal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:42 PM

Gloria Monday was the "Girl Friday" for a surveyor's office. One day one of the surveyors came in early from surveying. Gloria asked what was wrong, and the surveyor replied "Sick transit, Gloria Monday."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:45 PM

Then there was the time that the local bus service had to shut down for maintenance after a busy weekend. When a local tv anchorwoman asked about it, the head of the bus services replied "Sick transit, Glory -- Monday."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:46 PM

Part of the local church needed repairs and when the same anchorwoman asked the why of the problem and the when of the fix, the kindly old pastor replied, "Sick transept, Gloria. Monday."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:47 PM

And the model train club here................awck! Hands...throat....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:48 PM

"Sick train set.......awk, cough"...........


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 04:42 PM

Lionel get you nowhere, you H-O monger, you.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 04:50 PM

If you'd take your hands off the keyboard, the hands on your throat might loosen a little. Just a suggestion. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 10:59 PM

HO? Who you callin' HO? I'm O gauge, buddy, and don't you fergit it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 08:43 AM

Has the whole world stopped making sense for everyone, or is it jusy me?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 12:12 PM

Ain't no nooky like Chinooky, said the salmon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 04:34 PM

Hey, Mom, go take a look at the article I posted today on my "I read it in the newspaper" thread. That nurse has a good outlook on life, all things considered!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 01:39 AM

Mom, I'd like it to rain here tomorrow, but ask Amos to keep his hurricane at his house if it gets that far north. I want a gentle rain, not something that blows the roof off.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 10:25 AM

Boy oh boy, Mom, that Stilly sure stays up late. Why can't I stay up late? How come I have to go to bed immediately after dinner, huh? I'll bet it's not because I'm nasty and mean and you want to get rid of me, like Amos says. I'll bet it's because my prayers take so long to say, what with me praying for all those people. Yeah, I'll bet it's because I'm so good and holy and Amos and Stilly and everybody else ain't, that's what I'll bet.

Someday I'll be Pope or something and they'll all be sorry.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 02:01 PM

Will you wear a beenie?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 04:07 PM

Nope, just act all mad and such like, you know, just have few beers, say what's on your mind, and sit back and watch the fuss.

Or did you mean a 17th century english author....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 08:37 PM

Nope, when I'm Pope I'm gonna model my papacy after that of my papal hero, Alexander VI.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 10:02 PM

Gee, Mom. It certainly has been quiet since Amos went off to some male bonding/drum playing ritual. Wait a minute...Mom, you don't think that Amos...nah...Mom, is it true that Amos is the drummer for a heavy metal punk satanic rock group??? That his lovable, kind, intelligent persona is just a facade for a tone-deaf, skins-thumping, purple-Mohawked, leopard-skin-thong wearing, pierced and tattoed, devil-worshiping, Goth drummer??????? That he's even now out smashing up motel rooms and throwing toilet fixtures out of windows while getting drunk on cheap liquor and smoking lousy dope just because it's available?

I'll betcha I'm right!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 08:19 AM

come to getaway and find out!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 08:34 AM

I can't get away to Getaway. Were I to jet away on the jetway to get away to Getaway I would return to find my job had gotten away.

Speaking of getaways, Short Slick Sam, up at at the Legion, managed to get out of Mingo Mary's bedroom last night after her husband, the castrator down at the cattle auction...why are there ads at the bottom for "Girl's Pink Panties"? Does Google think I'm some sort of, well, you know what? Will ads for girls' bicycle seats be next? Should I be offended?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:23 AM

Gosh, Rapaire, not onlly do you know the most interesting people, but when you don't know one, you invent one from whole cloth!! How talented, rich-hearted, gracious and insightful you are!!

I had a grand time in the Eastern Hills of northern San Diego county, and when I came home I found all my mail had bonded because someone spilled coffee on the stack. I don't think this mail-bonding is all it's cracked up to be. But I met a lot of wonderful folks over the weekend.

S


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 11:44 AM

Because I am a librarian, I found this picture of Amos at the "male bonding" thing. And I was in error: he is not a drummer for a weird rock group. Nope, guitar all the way.

Sorry for thinking you were a drummer, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 01:36 PM

Well, at least you're now accusing him of being a musician. There are worse things...

I conclude I know people with too much time on their hands. I got, at the last count, 8 replies, to an email, just to point out I had dates for their dairies, and would their kitchen do , as they didn't have one, or some such cleverness.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 05:17 PM

If only the ceremonies were not confidential, Rapaire, I would come out and excoriate you for the blatant inaccuracy of your alleged professional talents. But since they are, I cannot. I am sure you understand that.

But you are right about the instrument I play.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 05:54 PM

Yes, I understand. And that is why I cannot tell you about the initiation ceremonies or even the general plans of the groups I belong to: The Illuminati, The Council of Nine, The Quorum, The American Library Association, and the rest. Suffice to say that you will soon Know, if you know what I mean. In other words, the black helicopters are coming and resistance is both futile and infantile.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 06:24 PM

Hey, Mom, I'm back from jury duty. After two days I didn't get picked. Lucky me! I have too much to do this week.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 06:41 PM

Palidrome! I got a palindrome!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 07:45 PM

What's so great about a pal in Drôme? I have pals all over the damn planet!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 08:51 PM

How nice to have a friend. I used to have a friend. His name was Andy. We'd play in the yard and go for walks together. Sometimes he'd just run away and then the dog catcher would bring him back. Once I fell into an old well and as I was looking up Andy peed on the well sweep. He was my friend except when I didn't have food. Then he wasn't my friend any more.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:13 PM

So why is Google now offering a Gutter Helmet and a Roofer's Directory? A gutter helmet? Does it think your trip into the well to get peed on constitutes landing in the gutter?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:44 PM

and now googley is offering to make Yaga better.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 10:28 PM

Good Heavens! I didn't know Yaga was sick! Do you have any more information? Is Yaga in the hospital and if so, which one?

Oh my, this is terrible! Poor old Yaga.


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