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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 06 Oct 06 - 07:37 PM
Rapparee 07 Oct 06 - 10:07 AM
Rapparee 07 Oct 06 - 10:18 AM
Amos 07 Oct 06 - 10:59 AM
Amos 07 Oct 06 - 12:04 PM
Amos 07 Oct 06 - 12:22 PM
Bunnahabhain 07 Oct 06 - 01:47 PM
Bunnahabhain 07 Oct 06 - 06:23 PM
Rapparee 07 Oct 06 - 06:31 PM
Amos 07 Oct 06 - 09:40 PM
Rapparee 07 Oct 06 - 09:45 PM
Acme 08 Oct 06 - 11:02 AM
Amos 08 Oct 06 - 11:05 AM
Rapparee 08 Oct 06 - 11:23 AM
Amos 08 Oct 06 - 12:58 PM
Acme 08 Oct 06 - 02:03 PM
Amos 08 Oct 06 - 03:52 PM
Bunnahabhain 08 Oct 06 - 04:17 PM
Amos 08 Oct 06 - 05:14 PM
Bunnahabhain 08 Oct 06 - 07:15 PM
Rapparee 08 Oct 06 - 11:04 PM
Acme 09 Oct 06 - 12:13 AM
Bunnahabhain 09 Oct 06 - 08:46 AM
Rapparee 09 Oct 06 - 09:06 AM
Acme 09 Oct 06 - 11:39 AM
Amos 09 Oct 06 - 11:46 AM
Rapparee 09 Oct 06 - 01:54 PM
Amos 09 Oct 06 - 02:26 PM
Rapparee 09 Oct 06 - 03:48 PM
Amos 09 Oct 06 - 03:56 PM
Rapparee 09 Oct 06 - 04:49 PM
Amos 09 Oct 06 - 07:17 PM
Rapparee 09 Oct 06 - 07:22 PM
Amos 09 Oct 06 - 07:44 PM
Amos 09 Oct 06 - 08:33 PM
Rapparee 09 Oct 06 - 08:50 PM
Acme 09 Oct 06 - 10:34 PM
Rapparee 10 Oct 06 - 08:58 AM
Amos 10 Oct 06 - 09:19 AM
Rapparee 10 Oct 06 - 09:31 AM
MMario 10 Oct 06 - 09:36 AM
Bunnahabhain 10 Oct 06 - 09:48 AM
Bunnahabhain 10 Oct 06 - 09:56 AM
Acme 10 Oct 06 - 11:23 AM
Rapparee 10 Oct 06 - 12:47 PM
MMario 10 Oct 06 - 12:50 PM
Amos 10 Oct 06 - 01:01 PM
Rapparee 10 Oct 06 - 01:30 PM
frogprince 10 Oct 06 - 01:46 PM
Amos 10 Oct 06 - 01:46 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Oct 06 - 07:37 PM

Biscuit-Eatin' Barney was in town this afternoon. I wouldn't normally mention this -- heck, danged few people even care to think about him, much less mention him -- only he saw me as I was heading for the shuttle bus over in front of the Salt Palace convention center and much to my dismay he came over to talk to me.

Naturally, the folks I was with moved upwind quite a piece. Seems like Barney was in town because he was tracking "the biggest and god-damnedest critter" he ever found out about. He had picked up the tracks in Pocatello about a week ago and he'd followed 'em clear down to Salt Lake City.

Being a nice sort of chap, I gave him a fiver so he could get some beer, got on the shuttle bus and went back here for a quick pre-drinking bout nap.

I tell you all this because it was just on the news that Barney was in the hospital. Seems he was busy following the tracks when he was run over by the train.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 10:07 AM

Mom, I'm going back North this morning. Can't take no more of this big city high life. Nope, it's the open range and the deer and the antelope playing for me. Back to where men are men and women wear pants too. Back to the Lonesome Prairies, where the tumbling tumbleweeds tumble and the wind blows free and the buffalo poop in the yard. Where a your darlin' don't forsake you on this your wedding day and the man who shot Liberty Valance is still the bravest man of all. Where Mariah blows through your hair as you sit around Fred the Fire waiting for Arbuckle's the coffee to boil so you can git them little doogies along to Wyoming, their new home after you rope and cut and brand 'em from the back of Old Paint. Little Joe the Wrangler'll be waitin' for me at the Long Branch, his arm around Matt Dillon and Miss Kitty'll have a big glass of Redeye for me and Doc will be right there to fix me up after I drink it.

Yep, I'm aheading back to where a friend is a friend and the longhorn cattle feed on the lonely jimson weed, totin' my old .44. And I'll be signin' all the songs that the cowboys know, too. The Duke'll be there to welcome me, I'll betcha.

Anyway, in a bit I'm heading back north, pointing the ol' Honda up I-15....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 10:18 AM

One last thing, Mom. You know that party, the Conference reception, that had the theme of "The '70s"? Well, Mom, as you know, that's pretty vague, but I was going and, well, I may have gotten a bit confused and anyway, while everyone was wearing miniskirts and bellbottoms, I just caused comment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 10:59 AM

When librarians let their hair down, all bets are off...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 12:04 PM

A Poem for Mother After the Fashion Of the Great Librarian

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of BS after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn(e)
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those threads we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the BS cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

Wilelm Muterschoen DInglehorn
"Lines of Immortal Bull"
Vienna, 1924, Liebenscheiss Publishers and Sons


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 12:22 PM

"We have actually touched the Borderland where Matter and Force seem to merge into one another, the shadowy realm between the Known and Unknown ... I venture to think that the greatest scientific problems of the future will find their solution in this Borderland, and even beyond; here, it seems to me, lie Ultimate Realities, subtle, far-reaching, wonderful."


? Sir William Crookes, 1879



It was not known then, and is scarcely acknowledged now, that there is an intimate connection through these boundary regions between perception, reality and the thin layer between them that defines human nobility, the BS layer. Like a flimsy sandwich wildly oscillating in 7 dimensions simultaneously, this composite construct defines the region of the mind-matter-spirit paradox and reveals, as one always knew would someday occur, its rational architecture hidden beneath its phantasmagorical presentation to the casual inquirer.

For it is here, in this multi-dimensional layering, that the true nature of reality and the inexplicable attraction of BS can be explained.

It is toward the end of making this discovery more widely known and more greatly appreciated, especially by those leading members of our beguiled society, that they might remove, by their influence, the shadows of both wilful and innocent obscurity under which we all have hitherto fallen for most of our days, that this small work (which properly seeks to elevate the part understood to be played by BS in the Cosmic Scheme to which we all are heir) is commited.

This work seeks, in its nature, to serve all Mankind. But in its proper realm and time, it is only meet that it be dedicated to William of Orange.

Seamus Two-Shoes Ogami
Poet Laureate of the West African Union of Nations
2031


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 01:47 PM

You realise some people will think we're just making this all up. There's no accounting for some people...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 06:23 PM

If Moab takes on a magenta hint for the next few days, please do not be alarmed. I've been pickling Beetroot, so anything I come into conatct with for a few days will be slightly red or purple, unless you bleach it, in which case it goes yellow, I think. Or was it yellow tumeric stains go purple when bleached. One or the other....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 06:31 PM

It won't madder to us at all, 'cause MOAB be beet. Really, we won't carrot all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 09:40 PM

MOAB can't be beet, Rapaire!! Look at all the radish young wannabes who have tried to uproot her. Tater possibility at all.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Oct 06 - 09:45 PM

I know, Amos. I meant to say that MOAB could nut be beet, but my fingers have lives of their own. So lettuce get on with that which makes the grass grow green.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 11:02 AM

Just a quick "Hello, MOM!" and I'm off to walk the dogs. My weekend was tied all to pieces (sorry about mixing the metaphors, MOM, but I'm in a hurry) with a conference and a last minute decision to take Moonglow to a symphony concert last night in a town northeast of Dallas. Very nice, and a little added drama of a young alto pitching head first off the risers, nearly hitting the French horn player on her way down. She was revived and led off stage, and no doubt cried her eyes out backstage, poor kid. I think the build up to the fourth through the rather sleepy third movement probably got to her. Standing in that front row hyperventilating, then out like a light. The chorus for Beethoven's ninth was a very talented group from the University of North Texas (where Moonglow attends). The French horn player dropped everything and scrambled to help the girl, and then in a calm and efficient manner the kettle drum player and the back row of the orchestra helped replace chairs and stands and then the fourth movement got underway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 11:05 AM

My heart goes out to her (the alto). Is she okay?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 11:23 AM

Our band was playing Ravel's "Bolero" once and got lost. Kept playing the "dadiddydadiddyumpdiddydeeupda" over and over and over. Even the Director was hypnotized with it. Finally the First Trumpet stood up and started, LOUDLY, at some place beyond the diddyumpda's. The Director picked it up and we went on, skipping several measures, but the audience never knew.

A friend of mine was acting in "Dracula" and his blocking required him to run across the stage diagonally, falling to his knees and sliding to Drac's feet. He missed Drac and ended up in the first row of the audience on opening night (fortunately the stage was only about 3 feet off the floor). He got a greenstick fracture of a toe out of it, but literally jumped back on stage and continued as if nothing had happened. He said later he was more afraid of the Director than the pain....

I feel for the Alto. She must have been quite embarassed, not to mention bruised. I hope she's okay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 12:58 PM

And the moral of THAT story is, if you're aiming for Dracula...DON'T MISS!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 02:03 PM

I asked, and the page at the door as we left said she was okay. We saw several of the chorus members in the parking garage (recognizable by their scores) but didn't ask again--not knowing actually who she was, and seeing young women in the groups at the cars, I didn't want to end up asking a group if she was okay, to have it turn out to be she I was asking.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 03:52 PM

Sometimes you play high, and sometimes you play low. Yesterday, because of a complex of issues, we wandered over to a barbeque being held by a good-hearted low-brow, a glass cutter and car mechanic by trade, and his maw and his sisters were there, and all of them of good heart in sooth. On his concrete patio, where'd he'd converted a garden shed to hold his tools, and they had some nice plastic chairs and an umbrella table, we talked for hours. His nephew was there, after two tours in Iraq, now doing security work. But the thing is they were happy to have me break out the ole axe and knock out some tunes, and responded with great cheer. And one of them wanted to know all about introductory guitar playing, and I obliged, plus I had three Guinnesses and felt very kindly disposed to all present.

So I think there is a moral here. Guinness makes a better world, and makes going to and fro in it more fun.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 04:17 PM

Apparently I've made 2100 and something posts round here, and it's not changed at all. This leads me to the deeply worrying conclusion I fit right in. I just don't know if to be more worried for me or the 'cat in general.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 05:14 PM

Well, if you had made all of them on the MOAB, of course, you'd have been the proud perpetrator of 14.2857% of the whole thing!!! Wow!! But no--you had to dissipate your strength and go play in neighborhoods where anything goes, and there no standards.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 07:15 PM

Well I do ocasionally feel inclined to ask some about some music related stuff, but I generally go and lie down until the feeling goes away. I wonder what Wilde was actually up to when the though of that line....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 06 - 11:04 PM

A guy is in the checkout line at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled, and said hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. He says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friend whipped me with some wet celery?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 12:13 AM

Good one!

I'm back from taking Moonglow to college for the week. Been listening to some more of Babbitt on cassette for the drive back. Buzzed from extra caffiene to stay awake on the road. Gotta work tomorrow--these Sunday night drives are a little hard on the sleep pattern.

Anyone know if the trash guys are going to pick up the can at the curb tomorrow (on the observed Columbus Day), or should I just forget it until Thursday?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 08:46 AM

I thought I should see how everyone is before I go out, but you're all asleep. I'll be back when I've got rid of some blood....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 09:06 AM

Up the close and down the stair
Butt and ben with Bunnahabhain and Hare...


Nah, the scansion fails miserably.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 11:39 AM

So are you a pint low? Is this to be credited to the local blood bank account for the library? One would hate to suggest that it is getting to be a violent place, but with the legion out practicing their weapons skills in front of the building, you want to have a little credit in case a blunderbuss wings any of the kiddos during the story hour.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 11:46 AM

USe a little imagination!!

Up the close and down the stair,
But and ben with Auld Rapaire,
Stilly's bright, and Ted's the thief,
But Bunnhabain brings out the beef.


Now, sir Librarian, can you tell us in the ragamuffin's rhyme from the days of corpse-selling in Old London, what the the line:

Up the close and down the stair,
But and ben with Burke and Hare,


means in modern language? What words are "but" and "ben" herein?

A

(I know better than to expect anything but tatterdamalion non sequiturs for a response, but hope springs eternal and all that....)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 01:54 PM

Now, sir Librarian, can you tell us in the ragamuffin's rhyme from the days of corpse-selling in Old London, what the the line:

Up the close and down the stair,
But and ben with Burke and Hare,

means in modern language?


Yes sir, I can. Can you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 02:26 PM

Unkindly put, but now I can thanks to friends more forthcoming than yourself. But never mind, the answer is the kind I anticipated, so you have not disappointed me despite yourself.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 03:48 PM

Please note that I was not declasse enough to note that Burke and Hare operated in Edinburgh, not "Old London."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 03:56 PM

Right you are, my error. :D There! Feel better, Mister Snooty-Pants?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 04:49 PM

I wasn't impolite enough to point it out, nor mean-spirited enough to call another names. It is not for me to correct the errors of others, but merely to gently and lovingly guide them to Truth.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 07:17 PM

Well, that's strange, for sooth. I coulda sworn you wuz the one who DID point it out.

Clouds in the West, an' it looks like rain,
An' mah goddamn slicker's in the wagpn again!

Wal, me an' the Boss, we had us a spat,
So I hit him the face with mah ten-gallon hat!

So it's ki-yi-yippy, yippy yay, yippy yay
Ki-yi-yippy, ippy yay


Wal, son, don't start drinkin' and gambling,
I want you should always stay straight.

And so on....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 07:22 PM

Woke up this mornin' on the old Chisholm Trail,
C...
Never mind, the rest is really dirty.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 07:44 PM

Just for the record and for those who puzzle such things, the phrase is country Scots for a small house of two rooms, often build into a hillside, or thatched, small and uncomfortable, once used by peasants or shepherds. The ben is the outer room, the but the inner room, and that's all there is!

How those smart-ass little ragamuffins in Edinburgh would learn such an obscure phrase is beyond me.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 08:33 PM

And here is a Special Poem for The Director of the Library who has a good heart in him, if a wise mouth on him. :D

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 08:50 PM

I've never been kissed by a prince. One tried, but got beard burn so bad he had to go to the emergency room.

There was this princess though...mmmmmmmmmm...enough of that! I have a Big Important Thing to post!

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually
complete what you started.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 10:34 PM

I sent the earlier joke to someone who was hoping I'd answer his email with a good joke. That'll show him. This latest one, though, I don't want to jinx myself in my own old age by poking fun at senior intimacy!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 08:58 AM

Yeah, dude, only, what's "the close" and "the stair"? Why go up one and down the other? And who was Knox? Do ye know, without looking it up?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 09:19 AM

Knox was the yuppie Edinburgh medic who thought he was getting a bargain. But why not be more free with information yourself? I thought that was your metier!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 09:31 AM

Because I'm busy writing a song, okay? This is what I have so far:

A man without a woman
Is like a ship without a sail,
A guitar without a G-string,
Or a squid without a whale.

REFRAIN:

Diddly-do whop, whop; Diddly-do whup, whup,
A man without a woman, oh yeah....



It's kind of a bluesy thing, sung in the key of E#.

Whatcha think? Platinum, huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 09:36 AM

wasn't Knox the Calvanist minister involved with the big gelatin scandal? something to do with young school girls and wrestling in huge vats of jellied consomme?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 09:48 AM

That's him. But he didn't enjoy it. No, not one little bit. He was very keen on nobody having any fun. In fact when he'd managed to get banned almost everything fun, the birth rate exploded, as he'd not managed to find a way to ban that, and the had very else left to do.......


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 09:56 AM

There are worse things than The old Chislom trail. Dumbartons drums, sung with by the right person, with the right glint in her eye.....

" What fond delights can steal upon me,
When Johnnie kneels and kises me."
etc

and that's before she starts on the cider, and makes up verses!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 11:23 AM

Google is telling me "You Deserve a Break." I suspect I'd rather have a different kind of break than what they are offering.

And I don't think I want any Knox gelatin involvement in my break, either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:47 PM

Johnnie kneels and kisses her what?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:50 PM

exactly!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:01 PM

Dirty minded old man; she was sitting down, on the floor, on a cushion, listening to music, that's why he had to kneel to kiss her. On the cheek. Politely, and affectionately.

Honestly, you people. Use your imaginations for something further up the alphabet, like "Q" or "T" instead of always going for the "X".

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:30 PM

I was officially awarded my DOM when I was 12 years old, and I have borne it proudly ever since. Indeed, I even have a copy of the late Dr. Asimov's classic book The Sensuous Dirty Old Man.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: frogprince
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:46 PM

" What fond delights can steal upon me,
When Johnnie kneels and kises me."

I was watching the original movie "MASH" for about the fourth time before I realized that Margaret O'Houghlihans voice kept coming over the PA going "kiss my hot lips", but she was having no trouble speaking. I probably was the only guy around so dense that it took me that long to catch on.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:46 PM

Ribbons do not the hero make, good sir, nor books glorify an obsession with body parts.

I am all for fine passions and lust among the consenting and the full-grown. But, a man of your stature in place and in time mought have higher things on which to focus his gaze.


Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall be done away; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall be done away. ...

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I have put away childish things.

For now we see as through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known.

But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love.



Or, as we say in California, whutEVerrrr.....


A


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