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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

JennyO 01 Feb 07 - 10:38 AM
Acme 01 Feb 07 - 10:53 AM
Amos 01 Feb 07 - 11:04 AM
Rapparee 01 Feb 07 - 11:10 AM
Amos 01 Feb 07 - 11:28 AM
Bunnahabhain 01 Feb 07 - 11:37 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Feb 07 - 11:45 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Feb 07 - 12:03 PM
Amos 01 Feb 07 - 02:15 PM
Rapparee 01 Feb 07 - 03:05 PM
Amos 01 Feb 07 - 03:51 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Feb 07 - 04:23 PM
Rapparee 01 Feb 07 - 05:25 PM
Rapparee 01 Feb 07 - 09:23 PM
MMario 02 Feb 07 - 08:51 AM
Amos 02 Feb 07 - 08:54 AM
MMario 02 Feb 07 - 08:55 AM
Rapparee 02 Feb 07 - 09:04 AM
MMario 02 Feb 07 - 09:07 AM
Rapparee 02 Feb 07 - 09:10 AM
Amos 02 Feb 07 - 09:25 AM
Rapparee 02 Feb 07 - 11:25 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Feb 07 - 03:36 PM
Amos 02 Feb 07 - 06:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Feb 07 - 10:02 PM
Rapparee 02 Feb 07 - 10:17 PM
JennyO 02 Feb 07 - 10:52 PM
Amos 03 Feb 07 - 12:02 AM
Acme 03 Feb 07 - 01:34 AM
Rapparee 03 Feb 07 - 09:33 AM
Amos 03 Feb 07 - 07:22 PM
Rapparee 03 Feb 07 - 08:24 PM
Amos 03 Feb 07 - 09:31 PM
Rapparee 03 Feb 07 - 09:56 PM
frogprince 03 Feb 07 - 10:15 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Feb 07 - 10:17 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Feb 07 - 10:22 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Feb 07 - 10:28 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Feb 07 - 10:29 PM
Rapparee 03 Feb 07 - 10:41 PM
Amos 03 Feb 07 - 11:36 PM
Acme 04 Feb 07 - 02:38 AM
Bunnahabhain 04 Feb 07 - 07:26 AM
Rapparee 04 Feb 07 - 10:05 AM
Amos 04 Feb 07 - 10:19 AM
Rapparee 04 Feb 07 - 10:27 AM
Rapparee 04 Feb 07 - 10:52 AM
Amos 04 Feb 07 - 10:55 AM
Acme 04 Feb 07 - 11:16 AM
Rapparee 04 Feb 07 - 01:32 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 10:38 AM

How about this for earthy. Do you think Mom might like it better?

Sixteen Tons

Some people say a man is made outta mud
A poor man's made outta muscle and blood
Muscle and blood and skin and bones
A mind that's a-weak and a back that's strong

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

I was born one mornin' when the sun didn't shine
I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine
I loaded sixteen tons of number nine coal
And the straw boss said "Well, a-bless my soul"

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

I was born one mornin', it was drizzlin' rain
Fightin' and trouble are my middle name
I was raised in the canebrake* by an ol' mama lion
Cain't no-a high-toned woman make me walk the line

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

If you see me comin', better step aside
A lotta men didn't, a lotta men died
One fist of iron, the other of steel
If the right one don't a-get you, then the left one will

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 10:53 AM

That's an idea, we're on the right track. But do the math--we would have to save this song for her 32,000th post. A ton is 2000 pounds (at least it is here in the US).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 11:04 AM

Yes, but a post is not a pound. Posts have varying mass depending on their ratio of seriosity to truthiness. A thousands posts by Shambles might mass several thousand pounds, for example. When seriosity gets unusually high at the same time as the divisor of truthiness heads toward minimum, the mass of a post rises dramatically, as in the work of the late unlamented Gibson feller.

It's all relative, as my overweight cousin used to say.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 11:10 AM

This is a bit more earthy...

WHEN I WAS NOO BUT SWEET SIXTEEN

When I was noo but sweet sixteen,
In beauty just a bloomin', O
O little, little did I think
At nineteen I'd be greetin', O.

cho: For the plooman lads are gay weel lads
They're false and they're deceiving, O
They'll gang awa', they'll sail awa'
And leave their lasses greetin', O

If I'd a kent what I do ken
And done my mother's biddin', O
I would not be here at your fireside
Cryin' "Hishie ba, ma bairnie, O"

O, hishie ba, for I'm your ma,
But the Lord knows where's your daddy, O
But I'll take good care, and I'll be aware
O' the young men in the gloaming, O

When I was noo but sweet sixteen,
In beauty just a bloomin', O
O little, little did I think
At nineteen I'd be greetin', O.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 11:28 AM

Dang, Rap, you keep this up they'll be putting Mom above the line before you know it!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 11:37 AM

Last week I had a European friend trying to convince me that she was 16 come Sunday, not 17 as is normal. I don't know why, it's probably a dutch thing. I'll ask upstairs.

We could quite easily hit 16 on Sunday, so it would be quite fitting...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 11:45 AM

Hey, Rapaire, see if you can get those Idaho Legion friends of yours to sober up long enough to do a bit of honest cattle-rustlin' work. We'll need three or four head of steer for Mom's Sweet Sixteen barbecue. And a handful of emus for the folks that don't eat red meat. I'd say chickens would be okay, but I'm not gonna be the one who calls a Legion member a "chicken rustler".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 12:03 PM

And I've already extended an invitation to a few of Mom's friends.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 02:15 PM

DANG!! I LOVE a good barbecue party. And such purdy ladies, too!! Be sure and tell them it's come-as-you-are.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 03:05 PM

Mom's friends are a page of gibberish? She's not gonna like you talking about Leona and Helen and Dotty and Tilly and Alma and the rest that way. You're gonna get a spankin' you're gonna get a spankin' you're gonna get a spankin' hahahaha!

Pork's the "other white meat." How's about I get some swineherds to see what they can rustle up?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 03:51 PM

If it came across your wire as a page of gibberish you should check your Safe-T-View software for excessive prude profiling.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 04:23 PM

Rapaire, it's a link to a painting by Beryl Cook called "The Birthday Cake". Try a Google Image Search to get around whatever's making gibberish of it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 05:25 PM

I recognized Leona and Alma in that painting!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 09:23 PM

I told some of the folks up at the Legion about Bee-Dubya's requst and they said they'd be happy to help. Minnesota Tex said he'd be as "happy as a catfish in bottom mud" to help rustle up some grub, but that I'd kinda have to look the other way at the brands since he's not as good with a runnin' iron as he was before he broke his left hand trying to bash in the top of a metal beer keg a while back. Sassy Sis is gonna ride with him and see if she and some of Legionairettes can get some chickens; they don't brand chickens in Idaho.

Anyway, there's gonna be two or three groups goin' out tonight and tomorrow night. Most of 'em are at least half sober half the time, and completely sober none of the time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 08:51 AM

May everyone here at MOAB have the very best Feast of St. Phillip of Puxatawny!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 08:54 AM

I don't believe Puxatawney has a Saint. Why would somebody make a saint from a tiny little town in Pennsylvania? When New York City doesn't have one? It just don't add up.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 08:55 AM

Did I say St. Phillip was a Catholic saint? *grin*


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 09:04 AM

Good ol' St. Phil. Patron saint of shadows, mythological meteorology, and greasy food.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 09:07 AM

That's the one! Are you celebrating tonight with the traditional chicken fried steak and deep fried twinkies?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 09:10 AM

Not the twinkies, no. Too many calories. I'm going to have deep fat fried lard sticks instead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 09:25 AM

Sounds finger-lickin' good!! (Barf!!!!!)



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 11:25 AM

It's an old family recipe which my grandmother made every meal for my grandfather, who died of stroke, heart attack, and hardened arteries.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 03:36 PM

Hah! Only the unwashed in places like Idaho still deep fry their lard sticks! Those of us with a modicum of class sauté our lard sticks in extra virgin olive oil flavored with a bit of fresh basil.

By the way, I'm not going to make up a silly holiday for today. After all, it's Groundhog Day and it'd be hard to come up with anything sillier than that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 06:53 PM

Give her 72 more, brothers and sisters! Seventy-two more and we'll have sweet fuck-all Sixteen!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 10:02 PM

Okay, I've got Mom's Sweet Sixteen song written. You guys have however long it takes to make seventy-one more posts to learn it.



You're a thread from a dream
Your bullshit's supreme
A BS nukular bomb
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're Mom

You're BS to our ear
It's you we revere
As other threads go and come
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're Mom

        {Bridge}
        You're our MOAB, you're our thread
        We love you more than Wonderbread
        The mouse went "click", BS went "plop"
        When we started posting we could not stop

You appeared on the screens
Of our computin' machines
To BS we did succumb
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're Mom
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're Mom


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 10:17 PM

The Idaho Legion Aires (Best Big Band In North-Northwestern Bannock County) have decided to record that song. Slidin' Ike, the Director, said that it was the best thing he's heard since "Puny Joe The Rassler" made 47th place on "Your Rattlesnake Creek Hit Parade" back in 1954. Which is interesting as all git out since Ike wasn't born until 1969. Anyway, it'll feature dueling ocarinas if they can get them sobered up in time, a flautophone, and Bee Sharpe playing her G-flat clarinet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 02 Feb 07 - 10:52 PM

Aw Bee-dub (sniff) - that's beautiful (choke, sob, sniff) - Mom is really gonna know her children appreciate her when we sing that. Why, I might even play along on my flolodler!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 12:02 AM

You da man, BeeDubya!!! You da Man!!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:34 AM

I had a really long day out--left the house before 8am and didn't get back until 10:30pm. I'm glad to see that while I was gone you've been playing nicely and singing to Mom.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 09:33 AM

The Idaho Legion Aires wish to announce that the recording will be available in long-playing 78 rpm format on the Deep Pile label. This is in spite of their long-standing contracts with Colombia, Electrolux, Red Light House, and other famous recording companies. In lieu of royalties (which the composer has graciously donated to the "Let's Help Rapaire Retire With Great Wealth Fund"), Bee-Dubya-Ell's picture (taken in his younger, beardless days) will appear on the back of the liner notes.

The Legion Aires will also forward their groupie rejects to Bee-Dubya, postage due.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 07:22 PM

POstage due? The mailman should pay BWL for the privilege of their company!! Isn't that the kind of gals we're talking about? Mebbe them Legionnaires aren't all they're cracked up to be!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 08:24 PM

Them Legionaires (and the Legion Aires) are most certainly all what they're cracked up to be and much, much more. You haven't LIVED until you've heard Chickenheart Wallace play a hoedown on his soprano piobrach, or Mudfoot really gettin' down on something bluesy, blowin' his collection of empty bottles, cans and jugs ("Mudfoot" Muldoon, The One-Man Jug Band -- you've heard of him, I'm sure).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 09:31 PM

Your surety is misplaced, my friend, but I have grown accustomed to it.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 09:56 PM

Well, if you haven't heard of Mudfoot Muldoon, the one-man jug band, you probably haven't heard of Gordon Lightfoot, Mary Travers, Pete Seeger, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Judy Collins, Tommy Makem, Utah Phillips, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Art Thieme, BB King, Paul Stookey, or any of them other musical artists who are known and celebrated throughout the known and unknown world. Ken Khandu is probably unknown to you! You must be ignorant of the works of Tweed his own self!

Frankly, I am shocked and dismayed by such a display of...of ignorance...on your part! But ignorance can be overcome by study and perserverence. Therefore, I will provide you with Mudfoot's greatest hit and you can study it and learn from it and even try to match his singing accompanied by his incomparable jug blowing. Here you are:

WILLIE'S AND NELLIE'S WISH

Willie and Nellie, one evening sat
      By their own little cottage door;
They saw a man go staggering by --
      Says Willie, "That's Mr. Lanore;
He is just going home from town, where
      He has been in a saloon.
When Maggie and I came from school,
      Said Maggie, 'Please papa, come home.'

"She asked him again, again, to come home.
      At last he got angry, and said:
'Maggie, go home -- don't bother me so;
      Go home now, and shut up your head.'
Poor girl, she came weeping all the way,
      As though her poor heart would break.
She could not play, not a word would say;
      With playmates no pleasure could take."

"'Tis the same child," Willie replied;
      "I'm sorry for Maggie Lanore.
I wish her papa would sign the pledge,
      And try to be a man once more.
He drinks up all the money he earns,
      In whiskey, rum, gin and beer;
His home is a home of poverty,
      Made so by his own career."

Says Nellie, "I wish Mr. Lanore
      Would go to the meeting to-night,
And hear the temperance lecture;
      Then perhaps he would try to do right.
One more little home of happiness,
      Would be in our midst, I am sure;
Then Maggie Lanore could say with joy.
      'My papa don't drink any more.'"

Said Nellie, "I told her never mind,
      We would be her friends evermore;
I hoped her papa would sign the pledge,
      Then he would not drink any more.
Then smiling through her tears, she said,
      'The temperance pledge, you mean;
If papa would sign it, then mamma
      And I will take comfort, I ween.'"

"I wonder," says Nellie, "can it be,
      The same child I saw go to school?
She wore ragged clothes. I saw her toes
      Were peeping out of her old shoes.
She has curly hair, and mild blue eyes;
      Can this child be Maggie Lanore?
If it is her, I sincerely wish
      Her papa won't drink any more."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:15 PM

Quick, post that one on the Tearjerker thread!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:17 PM

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, sob, sob, sub, zub, snorch, blwah, fnrrrt!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:22 PM

Okay, now that I've regained my composure, I suggest we nominate Mudfoot Nuldoon for President! Inasmuch as Senator Biden has drug being clean and articulate through the mud, perhaps we should have a candidate who is dirty and incoherent. Who better to fit the bill than Mudfoot?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:28 PM

"MULDOON!" he says, "MULDOON!" as he frantically attenpts to reverse the flow of time to a point 1/10th of a second before he hit the "Submit" botton.

WTF? Even Tweed's crappy website has post editing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:29 PM

"Attenpts"? Ah, fuck it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:41 PM

Well, he IS those things. Dirty and incoherent. He's also loathsome, tone deaf, scrofulous, woeful, scabarous, lousy, flea-bitten, hagridden, innumerate, vengeful, disparate, delusional, grandious, bombastic, obsequious, strabismic, inchoate, loud, intemperate, off-key, serpentine, uncorrected, byzantine, unedited, beggarly, ill conceived, thoughtless, and sottish.

President?? I dunno...he's got some bad points that I'm sure the media will blow all out of proportion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 11:36 PM

Jeeze-arooty -- give a guy access to an on-line thesaurus and he takes a yard, meter, increment, measure, rod, chain or ell.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 02:38 AM

I needed a good chuckle before heading to bed. Thanks, BWL!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 07:26 AM

That's better. I knew all I really needed was MOAB and some proper food. Having beaten their attempts to drive me to the edge of a nervous breakdown, intentional or not might have helped a bit as well....

They shall sweep all before them, but I shall not care, as my job is finished. They have numbered them, and their number shall be at least 24, and they have been placed, and they shall know their places. They shall be clothed in white, and this year they shall not wear pink underwear with it. They shall walk in files, or and random circles and up the walls if you hold the choreography the wrong way up. They sh..

Ahh, I've come down with a bad case of prophets. Now I look carefully, the tin of Mushrooms in lunch does say 'Produce of Patmos'


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 10:05 AM

Ahem. I will have you know that I did NOT us a thesaurus, on-line or otherwise. So watch it -- I have a vocabulary and I know how to use it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 10:19 AM

Well, izzat so? I am sure it is terribly... large ...but knowing how to use it is of course the important thing. Show us, then, the proper use thereof. Or is Mushrroms of Patmos syndrome at play?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 10:27 AM

You're ending a sentence with a preposition, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 10:52 AM

You also spelled "mushrooms" wrong.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 10:55 AM

Oh, I'm very sorry. Was it "play" , "thing", or "so" that you decided was a preposition?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 11:16 AM

Here's your "at," what's your hurry?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 01:32 PM

Thereof.


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