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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 03 Feb 11 - 09:00 PM
Amos 03 Feb 11 - 07:52 PM
Rapparee 03 Feb 11 - 07:03 PM
gnu 03 Feb 11 - 06:37 PM
Little Hawk 03 Feb 11 - 06:14 PM
Acme 03 Feb 11 - 05:57 PM
Rapparee 03 Feb 11 - 04:04 PM
Little Hawk 03 Feb 11 - 02:55 PM
Amos 03 Feb 11 - 01:43 PM
Rapparee 03 Feb 11 - 10:29 AM
Acme 03 Feb 11 - 02:09 AM
Rapparee 02 Feb 11 - 11:12 PM
Amos 02 Feb 11 - 07:07 PM
Rapparee 02 Feb 11 - 07:04 PM
Little Hawk 02 Feb 11 - 05:11 PM
Rapparee 02 Feb 11 - 03:47 PM
Rapparee 02 Feb 11 - 03:39 PM
Amos 02 Feb 11 - 01:52 PM
Little Hawk 02 Feb 11 - 01:35 PM
Rapparee 02 Feb 11 - 09:59 AM
Amos 02 Feb 11 - 09:57 AM
Little Hawk 01 Feb 11 - 11:07 PM
Acme 01 Feb 11 - 08:50 PM
Amos 01 Feb 11 - 07:34 PM
Little Hawk 01 Feb 11 - 03:41 PM
Amos 01 Feb 11 - 03:11 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 01 Feb 11 - 12:45 AM
Janie 31 Jan 11 - 09:53 PM
Amos 31 Jan 11 - 09:39 PM
Amos 31 Jan 11 - 08:22 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 31 Jan 11 - 05:47 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 11 - 04:30 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 11 - 04:21 PM
GUEST,Eiseley 31 Jan 11 - 03:29 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 11 - 02:49 PM
Amos 31 Jan 11 - 10:28 AM
Rapparee 31 Jan 11 - 09:39 AM
Rapparee 31 Jan 11 - 01:45 AM
Rapparee 31 Jan 11 - 12:10 AM
Acme 31 Jan 11 - 12:05 AM
Amos 30 Jan 11 - 10:34 PM
Rapparee 30 Jan 11 - 07:53 PM
Amos 30 Jan 11 - 07:47 PM
Amos 30 Jan 11 - 02:15 PM
Amos 30 Jan 11 - 12:49 PM
Acme 30 Jan 11 - 01:16 AM
Rapparee 30 Jan 11 - 12:29 AM
Janie 29 Jan 11 - 11:09 PM
Amos 29 Jan 11 - 10:39 PM
Janie 29 Jan 11 - 09:14 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 09:00 PM

I wouldn't feel TOO smug if I were a cat, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 07:52 PM

Dachshunds fit nicely on a toasted buns and are often enjoyed with mustard and catsup--which makes the cats feel smug as hell, you bet!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 07:03 PM

A nice article here, although short on recipes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 06:37 PM

Breaded dog fried in canola oil don't even come close to pork loin. Ask yer dog.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 06:14 PM

So...do you eat pork?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 05:57 PM

I draw the line at eating dogs. The stuff they eat when they're out in the yard doesn't bode well for gourmet applications. And marinade doesn't help.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 04:04 PM

And they taste pretty with a decent barbecue sauce, too!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 02:55 PM

Regular-hair Dachshunds (shorthaired or "smooth") are also useful as doorstops, bookends, and industrial strength paperweights, Rap. They make good ballast, in other words. You can use them, for instance, to tether a hot air balloon, providing it isn't a really large one.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 01:43 PM

Scientists are really slowed down by their need to pretend they don't already know stuff. For example, these guys probably know all about Chongo and aren't allowed to admit it.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 10:29 AM

Only if it's a long-hair. Regular-hair dachshunds are only good as cleaning rags.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 02:09 AM

I look forward to news and photos of the dachshund arrival. MOM wants to know if you polish the tops of your shoes by sliding your feet under the pooch's belly? Seems an economical way to pet the dog and keep your shoes looking good at the same time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 11:12 PM

Hamster. Yum...the other other white meat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 07:07 PM

Well, that depends on definitions--I mean he has the alter-ego who is a chimp, and another who is a hamster. Sp it's all a matter of timing as to who is in charge when nature calls...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 07:04 PM

Anytime you want, but make it a house-broken puppy. Come to think of it, you can drop it off as long as you personally are also house-broken.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 05:11 PM

Excellent! When should I send the Dachshund?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 03:47 PM

By the way, Pat's home from the hospital now. Everything's looking good -- PM or email me for more detailed information. It appears that they got out all the bad stuff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 03:39 PM

I do not think, Amos old chap, that I would like to be you when Chongo comes looking for the man who stuck it in Little Hawk. His balloon, I mean. Pricked it. Or something.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 01:52 PM

HEy, at least I am reassured that my shiny pricker still works as it should.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 01:35 PM

And now I have to gaze sorrowfully at my poor balloon, Amos, a little shriveled bit of brightly colored rubber lying wretchedly on the floor, cast away and useless, deprived of its former glory, nevermore to float grandly about the room and bounce gently off the objects it encounters!

Meditate upon the evil you have done, sir, and repent!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 09:59 AM

Since mah baby lef' me
I argybargy all over hell
Down at the end of lonely street
At
The Hotel California er someplace like that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Feb 11 - 09:57 AM

LOL! Well, guilty, but I did it under provocation, to prick your balloon, not because I needed her company!! :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Feb 11 - 11:07 PM

They must be rather worried about the weather, Stilly.

***

Amos, I cannot help but mention that you yourself have conjured up a fleabitten drooling simian in a short dress and spiked heels to walk around not being thee. Namely, Chinga. ;-) Fie, sir! Fie! This is a case of the pot calling the skillet greasy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Feb 11 - 08:50 PM

I finally chipped my back door loose of the slide frame and got it open in time to feed the dogs this evening. The freezing rain glued it shut, might again because it won't be above freezing for a couple of more days. So the 2 steps that I set up using patio bricks next to the bedroom window will stay for the rest of the week so the dogs can get into the house.

Speaking of which, they're in here and they've been awfully quiet. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 11 - 07:34 PM

Well, argybargy as thou wilt, sirrah, I am not convinced I would be more the Me I Am by virtue of mocking up a fleabitten drooling simian in a hat to walk around not being I. Such a long way around Robin's non-existent Barn!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Feb 11 - 03:41 PM

LOL!!! Truly the stricken wordsmith doth strive mightily from his bed of pain, weaving noble verse and hurling barb-ed shafts of puissant wit, thereby to fret his case and not forfeit cause in the face of cruel and arbitrary malady.

But list, Amos! I am in no wise endangered in maintaining mine own identity unsullied midst the vagaries and strange passions of mine own creations such as yon Chimp. No, indeed. Rather is mine own nature thus strengthened and confirmed by way of vivid contrast, as is the light of a clear morning rendered yet more vivid by the obscure darkness that preceded it.

Thus, my good sir, do I enhance and enlarge my present reality whilst others lose themselves in cleaving too narrowly to their accustomed forms and labels. They who could be all do themselves a disservice in saying, "This I am. Only this and nothing more."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 11 - 03:11 PM

This working life now wearies me,
I shall no longer scheme
Nor strive; instead, I shall remove
To an imaginary creature's dream.
To be in the dream of an Iffrit bold,
Or the dream of Shakespeare's imp;
Or, scraping the barrel, to be in the dream
Of Little Hawk's two-bit chimp.
Now there would be a vivid life,
Of color and fire and vim
But oh, the risk, in such a life,
Of then becoming him!
No longer would I dream at peace,
Or fly the world at ease;
Instead I'd toss throughout the night
Scratching my dream-self's fleas.
The curses and the violent thoughts,
The rank and sour smell!
Perhaps I'd rather stay employed
Than live in such a hell.

Gantry Jacobsen Schmidt IV
Seeking Another Path Not Taken
Collected Verses of Ineptitude
Brown, Little and Fowl
Rochester, 1932


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Feb 11 - 12:45 AM

You can be in my dream, Amos, if I can be in yours. I said that.

;-D

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 09:53 PM

Oh Gawd, MOM is bleedin' so bad she leaked over onto Spawser's thread, call the rescue squad!


No. Wait. Call the police! Some of the kids has done gone and busted down the back gate, and are across the street, terrorizing the neighbors!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 09:39 PM

I dreamt I saw that Chongo Chimp
Alive as you or me
I said "But you're imagin'ry!"
"I'm real as real!", said he.
"Wherever dweebs are nobbing hob
ANd dreamers come to chat
I'll be there trying to raise hob, he said,
And firing my gat!"
I said, "You're just a figment, chimp!
A stressed soul's thin delusion!"
"HUsha!" he said, "You know full well,
Denial's no solution!"
"For in every post where you read my name,
And imagine my fedora,
You make me real as any two-bit dame
Who cashes chips in for ya."
And I blinked, and then the chimp was gone
Like dew on a summer morning
But I could not help but shake inside,
And make myself take warning!
For if you defend your sense of all that's real,
And insist in all frustration
That the realest you knows the realest They
You'll be choked on imagination.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 08:22 PM

Well, I deserved that. But you did borrow, Rapparee, and that most lamely. AND with poor timning, too.

As for your suppositories, I suggest thou heal thine own self with them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 05:47 PM

The hot red pepper and banana powder suppositories with the *secret ingredient* which I am sellin' work way better, Rap. And they are STILL AVAILABLE but runnin' out FAST!

As Amos said (in a rare moment of clarity) "timning is everything". Got that right, Roscoe! My Dad was a fine timner and that is one of the reasons why I inherited the smarts to get to America and make somethin' out of myself instead of just remainin' a bush ape for the rest of my life. My Dad had a little timning shop set up in a clearing on one of the main trails through our area of bush. Because he was such a good timner, all the local natives (Blacks) used to come to my Dad when they needed some timning done, and they paid him in fruits, roots, and handicrafted items that got passed around our band. In time the word about my Dad's timning skills got pretty widespread, so when the White hunters came through I got an introduction, joined on as a guide and porter, and the rest is history, and ALL because of good timning!

It's sad that it is a skill that has almost vanished from the Earth since automation and mass production took over, but that is the way of the world.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 04:30 PM

You take axle grease and some ashes from a coal stove. Grind the ashes up really fine and mix 'em with the axle grease. Form it into little bullet-shaped things and you know how and where to apply them (hint: not orally).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 04:21 PM

Did I mention the axle grease suppositories?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 03:29 PM

I hope you're feeling better soon, Amos. Don't try any of those home remedies Rapparree suggested. It might cure you of a cold but it'd probably give you something a lot worse.

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 02:49 PM

Amos:

I do NOT "borrow" from anyone, as I don't give it back.

R.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 10:28 AM

That last remark would have been brilliant, sirrah, had it but come first instead of your Appalachian borrowings; as always, timning is everything.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 09:39 AM

You still got that common ol' cold, Amos? Well, common colds for common folks, I guess. MY colds are ALWAYS quite UNcommon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 01:45 AM

Iffen ya don't have the goose er bear grease an ya gets the fever, ya could try buryin' yerself in a big pile of fresh cow shit. Be sure ta leave yer head above it. This here worked every time when my Uncle Hank had to do it once back when the Depression was on.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 12:10 AM

Iffen ya mix red pepper and goose er bear grease together real good and then smear it on yer chest the cold'll go away in no time. Oh yeah, bind a couple wraps of thick white flannel over it and smear some more on every couple hours. Fer that nasty cough a mixture of coal oil and laudanum works ever time. Just take about a 1/4 or 1/2 a wineglass full when you need it. But fergit it iffen ya start ta run a fever, cause then you're gonna die unless you wrap up real close in lots of quilts and hot bricks and sich to sweat the fever outa ya.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 12:05 AM

The Longest Thread was wonderful, Amos. And I'm sure the cold will be gone in a jiffy, with such brilliance staring it down.

:)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 10:34 PM

No sir. As usual, I mean what I said, however mangled it may have become by your internal filters...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 07:53 PM

No! You mean that an immortal, flawless, impeccable, aesthetically superb cold has taken residence in your common, used-up, maculate, more-that-vaguely disturbing body?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 07:47 PM

How demoralizing!! My immortal, flawless, impeccable aesthetically superb physical form has been given a common cold. I am disgusted.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 02:15 PM

THE LONGEST THREAD


The longest thread in the Mudcat world
Is eight hundred pages long;
And half the folks who wrote those posts
Have thrown up their hands and gone, love
Thrown up their hands and gone.

The longest thread was ever wrote
It built the BS scene;
The first post written on a Christmas day,
The last ain't yet been seen, love,
The last ain't yet been seen.

Oh, who's gonna make your sweet lips smile
And make your soul confess?
Who's gonna make your sweet heart dance
If Mom runs out of BS, love?
If Mom runs out of BS?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 12:49 PM

She said why don't we both just sleep o it tonight?
And in the morning, I a sure you'll see the light.
ANd then she kissed me and I realized, she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to off your lover!

Just pull out a gat, Matt
No question about that!
Just pull out a shiv, Liv,
He'll end up the same.
Use a big brick, Mick
Or DImaggio's bat, Pat
Just use use a garrotte, Tot,
And then change your name...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 01:16 AM

Sunday, Bloody Sunday, to be sure.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 12:29 AM

Also Murder On The Orient Express, The Cremation of Sam Magee, The Wreck Of The Hesperus, Danny Deever, and Death On The Nile.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 29 Jan 11 - 11:09 PM

You got a point there, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 11 - 10:39 PM

I am not sure that's an impulse to brag about Raparree. You know full well if you went on one without her she would track you down and re-enact Death in Venice on you...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 29 Jan 11 - 09:14 PM

Why, I was there myself, back on a spring day in 1975. Truly a mind-boggling experience, especially if you drop a little Mr. Natural on the drive up.


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Mudcat time: 19 October 2:22 PM EDT

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