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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 09 Nov 07 - 05:28 PM
Acme 10 Nov 07 - 12:31 AM
Amos 10 Nov 07 - 11:46 AM
Amos 10 Nov 07 - 05:42 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 07 - 09:06 PM
Amos 10 Nov 07 - 09:16 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 07 - 09:28 PM
Little Hawk 10 Nov 07 - 10:13 PM
Amos 10 Nov 07 - 10:49 PM
Janie 11 Nov 07 - 12:12 AM
Acme 11 Nov 07 - 01:05 AM
Janie 11 Nov 07 - 01:26 AM
Rapparee 11 Nov 07 - 07:10 AM
Acme 11 Nov 07 - 11:10 AM
Amos 11 Nov 07 - 11:10 AM
Amos 11 Nov 07 - 12:47 PM
Rapparee 11 Nov 07 - 05:39 PM
Acme 11 Nov 07 - 05:39 PM
Rapparee 11 Nov 07 - 07:19 PM
Amos 11 Nov 07 - 09:31 PM
Little Hawk 11 Nov 07 - 09:44 PM
Rapparee 11 Nov 07 - 10:21 PM
Acme 11 Nov 07 - 10:43 PM
Little Hawk 11 Nov 07 - 11:22 PM
Janie 12 Nov 07 - 12:14 AM
Little Hawk 12 Nov 07 - 12:22 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 07:34 AM
Acme 12 Nov 07 - 10:34 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 10:46 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 10:49 AM
Little Hawk 12 Nov 07 - 11:24 AM
Amos 12 Nov 07 - 12:26 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 01:40 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 01:43 PM
Amos 12 Nov 07 - 02:18 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 05:00 PM
Acme 12 Nov 07 - 05:55 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 09:24 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 09:58 PM
Janie 12 Nov 07 - 10:19 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 07 - 11:00 PM
Acme 12 Nov 07 - 11:10 PM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 08:44 AM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 10:06 AM
Acme 13 Nov 07 - 11:58 AM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 01:35 PM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 01:53 PM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 03:32 PM
Amos 13 Nov 07 - 04:31 PM
Rapparee 13 Nov 07 - 05:11 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 07 - 05:28 PM

I think that opinion is not shared by 87% of the residents of Pittsburgh, who oughta know.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 12:31 AM

Hey, Mom! You're slipping down toward the bottom! Let me help you onto the top bunk. It'll be more comfortable (and Amos or Rapaire won't accidentally sit on you if they come stumbling in late.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 11:46 AM

There's more BS still to come. Mother will not be denied, gainsaid, suppressed, undone, defeated, or undersold.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 05:42 PM

...unless Little Hawk turns out to be a blue-assed laggard.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 09:06 PM

I'm back home now, and I gotta tell ya, my neighbor was out waterfowling and showed me what he'd taken. I have seldom seen such a fine bunch of Blue-Assed Laggards, certainly not since I've been out here. Of course, he shot the legal limit and only used non-lead shot, but I gotta tell ya, I was impressed. If the Blue-Assed Laggards are that good this year I just may go get a license and a stamp and go get me some...them's GOOD eatin'!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 09:16 PM

I hope LH wasn't among his take, Rapaire. Watch out for him, won't you? They sometimes slip across the border.

It's the fast food, I think.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 09:28 PM

Well, I heard that because them Canadians spend all their time at Tim Horton's they get all covered with a film of grease and if they aren't careful one day they just sorta Slide South and before they know it they're wintering in Phoenix or Florida or San Diego or Schenectady or someplace. Of course, with the discrepancy in the value of the dollar they DO employ US folks as gardeners and maids and houseboys so it's not all bad, I guess.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 10:13 PM

Huh? Oh, I guess you guys are missing me, right? Sorry about that. I got busy with other stuff. What was it you were saying?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 10:49 PM

We were discussing whether you might have turned into a Blue-Assed Laggard, LH...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 12:12 AM

Squirrels...life's little speed bumps...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 01:05 AM

Was that a delayed response to the photo I posted, Janie?

I'm getting ready to put a new roof on the house, squirrel-proof soffit vents, and try to find a squirrel-proof bird feeder. I enjoy squirrels, but prefer to keep them at arm's length. Little bastard who hung on the outer grill of my "squirrel-proof" bird feeder finally destroyed it this fall. Mostly the plastic seed holder was pretty old, but that little guy likes taking credit for trashing the feeder.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 01:26 AM

Who?

Me?

Slow?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 07:10 AM

There's not a lot of meat on 'em, but what there is is pretty good. I'd just take off what I could after cleaning the little buggers (keep the skins if you want; squirrel can make a nice lining for gloves), flour it, and cook it up into a meat-laden gravy. Serve it over biscuits.

Don't eat the brains on toast like them folks in Kentucky did. Probably best to wear to rubber or nitrile gloves when you clean 'em.

A .22 or an air rifle is all you need to shoot them, because if you use a shotgun like some folks do you'll be pickin' shot outa the meat. Not something awful, but it'll slow you down some.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 11:10 AM

It's easier to pick them up as roadkill.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 11:10 AM

Oh, Rapaire, you have such a cruel streak.

I shot one once with a .22 rifle in the Connecticut woods, and I was despondent for, oh, minutes, anyway.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 12:47 PM

Of wild ideas we have great store,
And notions have we plenty;
So here, with one madcap post more,
Comes 20-five-and-twenty!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 05:39 PM

Go forth, Amos, your sins are forgiven. Do your damnedest not to sin too much more, 'cause you're getting to the age where it gets harder and harder to think up a really good one that you haven't already committed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 05:39 PM

The last of the tomatoes came off of the super fantastic plant yesterday, so the plant came out today. After I mowed the lawn I moved a couple of things that needed transplanting to their new homes. I still have a big bed to dig for the irises, but everything that was in the way is now moved. MOM got out in the yard with the spade fork and softened up the area where I transplanted the Nana nandina. I made a loaf of bread and baked a sweet potato and now I'm headed out to buy a couple of chickens before I spend the evening filing and doing laundry.

I hope the rest of you got something worthwhile done today. MOM likes it when you work hard enough on the weekend that you feel like you have to go to work on Monday to rest up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 07:19 PM

Having spent yesterday traveling from Pittsburgh to Pocatello (and having my luggage arrive a couple hours after I did), Mom doesn't care that I sort of took today off. Tomorrow I will celebrate Veterans' Day by replacing the bulb in the pole lamp out front, doing laundry, etc.

I've also been contemplating cowboy movies. For example, Vic Virtue, sheriff and all-around do-gooder, hitches up his gunbelt, loosens his .45 in the holster, adjusts his hat, and steps into the dusty street to face down Badass Berty, the blackguard who, even though he's faster on the draw, also kicks kittens and deliberately spills babies' milk.

Now, both of them have their six-shootin' .45s ready to go and both a pretty good shots at, say, 15 yards (you could actually hit the other guy with rock at that distance). Both of them have at least fifty extra cartridges in their hand-tooled pistol belts.

Here's the question: what makes anyone think that either will have to reload? Apart from the fact that nobody reloads in cowboy movies unless the script calls for it, that is. So why carry all that extra weight in bullets on your belt?

Or am I just reached the stage where my "willing suspension of disbelief" isn't all that willing anymore?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 09:31 PM

Your suspension isn't suspending properly, but that's typical for gents of your age.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 09:44 PM

You people are sick! I feed squirrels. Yeah, you heard me. Squirrels are cute. They're smart. They're lovable. They're just as cool as birds, maybe a lot cooler.

Feed them!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 10:21 PM

And when they're nice a fat, eat them!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 10:43 PM

Look at it this way, LH--that poor mama squirrel gave her life when someone's Chevy Impala took that corner too fast, but a resourceful artiste immortalized her in a dramatic fashion that few squirrels ever dare dream of.

I enjoy them also--today I rescued one by making a noise. The pit bull was in full stalking mode--it's a sight to behold and she's beautiful when she hunts, but I didn't want her to catch the little airhead flitting around at the bottom of the vitex bush, so at a critical point in the pit's stalking approach I opened the door and hissed at the squirrel. The pit dove for the bush, the squirrel dove for the fence, everyone had a great time and no one got killed or eaten.

A Good Time Was Had By All, as they say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Nov 07 - 11:22 PM

Good work, Stilly. I once had a dachshund who grew cunning with advancing years and gave up the roaring charge of his feckless youth for the patient stalking approach when dealing with squirrels and chipmunks. He would hide at some spot where they frequently passed, and sieze them with one lightning-fast lunge before they realized what was happening.

His favorite stakeout was just behind the corner (any corner) of our house. The chipmunks like to run beside the wall as they go round the house, and they would come zipping around the corner, literally into his waiting jaws! He eliminated a great many unfortunate chipmunks in that fashion, and I usually wasn't there to interfere, but would find out afterward as he brought the grisly remains back for "show and tell".

As for the squirrels, he would hide at the bottom of any large tree, specially if there were some bushes to help conceal him. This also worked pretty well, I'm sorry to say, although not nearly as well as the old chipmunk-coming-around-the-corner trick.

He was willing to wait for 2 or 3 hours when setting up one of his traps. Such patience is unusual in dogs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 12:14 AM

I dunno Rap. They're awfully tough. Anything spends it's life climbing and running like they day is so muscular.

Still, I much prefer to smell them stewing in the pot on the stove than to smell them rotting between the walls of the house.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 12:22 AM

Rapaire, you asked about Vic Virtue and Badass Berty and why they have those 50 extra rounds in their hand-tooled leather cartridge belts.

# 1 - It looks really cool.
# 2 - The gals at the saloon won't look twice at a guy who has no reloads.
# 3 - You might have to get hunkered down out in the boondocks somewhere behind some rocks and sagebrush with about 50 screamin' hostiles all around you tryin' to git yer scalp. You might be trapped there for hours...even days. If so, you are gonna need those 50 reloads in yer belt, hombre!

I'm surprised I have to explain that to a guy like you. In fact, I'm a bit disappointed. I thought you knew those things.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 07:34 AM

Elfego Baca carried his in his hip pocket. Jack Slade shoved his pistol into his belt, as did Henry McCarty on occasion. Doc Holliday carried his in either a holster or his coat pocket (when he didn't use a sawn-off shotgun). Slane McBride (who later moved to Canada) usually shot his victims in the back with with a rifle, from ambush. Tom Horn shot them down with a Winchester. Wild Bill Hickok used cap-and-ball pistols. Jesse and Frank James both carried their pistols in saddle holsters, as did Big and Little Harpe (who also stuck them in their belts).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:34 AM

Cary Grant carried his gun in his pocket . . . or was he just glad to see her?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:46 AM

In brief, you put 'em where you can get to 'em quickly. Reloads are usually kept in your saddlebags (after all, you use your horse as cover when you're out on the plains) or loose in your pocket. Besides, LH, you ever try to reload a "gate loader" quickly? You have to put the hammer to half-cock (or what we in The West call the "Shane Position"), open the little door, put in a cartridge, rotate the cylinder one notch, put in another cartridge, and so on. Sure, you could use a top-break Schofield like Jesse James did, but until about 1890 when the wooden "speed loaders" started coming along you'd still have to load each cartridge one at a time.

Of course, this was still a big improvement over cap-and-ball revolvers...when you see those loaded you wonder how exactly The West Was Won.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:49 AM

(If gun talk ain't BS, there ain't no such thing as BS.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 11:24 AM

Damn right about the cap and ball revolvers being slow to load! You say Hickock used those? I can't figure it. Well, I guess maybe for him one set of loaded bullets was enough most of the time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 12:26 PM

Quite so, Rapaire -- a long conflation of lethal nouns and gruesome adjectives festooned with brightly colored hollow feathers, basted in insouciance and indifference, and presented to the gullible reader as something actually edible.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 01:40 PM

Wanna start talking about minute of angle, bullet drop, powder weights vs. bullet weights (in grains, of course), muzzle velocities, stopping power, and stuff like that? If so I'm outa here, 'cause that sort of thing fills up your boots, pockets, and hat faster even that "what is folk music" or "GWB is wonderful/treasonous".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 01:43 PM

It just struck me that nobody calls men who talk about chronographing their handloaded cartridges and bolt headspace "geeks."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 02:18 PM

No, I don't, actually -- I can't imagine why you would even think I might.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 05:00 PM

I can't imagine why you'd want to either, Amos. I thought maybe LH would, given that he's lived his life in the Far North amidst the polar bears and walruses and wolverines and grizzly bears. I'm quite content with no one doing so, however.

Come to think of it, LH probably used a pointed stick or something. Maybe he just wrassled 'em down with his bare hands.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 05:55 PM

I think they must have put chemicals on that golf course behind your house, Rap. Close the windows and take some deep breaths. The Old West visions commingled with Robert Service settings should begin to pass. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 09:24 PM

Ma'am, it's powerful hard to fergit where ya live. Out here in The West (Texas excluded itself when it didn't re-elect Ann Richards and voted in a Frat Boy instead), sometimes we find it needful to resort to weaponry.

For example, jist last night Slim Jim got a bellyful up at the Legion Hovel and decided to see what was down the smokestack of Old 1630, a 4-8-8-3 steam engine on display at the Park. Now, he's called Slim Jim 'cause he ain't, toppin' the scales at about 500 pounds and there ain't any of it pure muscle. Anyways, he got hisself stuck in the smokestack of that engine and raised more noise than a diesel's air horn. Finally he attracts the attention of Betty Bambam, whose customers were being driven away by the noise. Betty, being a good soul, called the Legion to come get him, which was pretty smart as most of the fire department was up there anyway.

There was a lot of discussion about the best way to get Slim Jim out.    There was the idea of using a crane, but nobody wanted mess up the flowers in the park with something like that. Finally, Chief Quick of the FD clumb up and poured a couple gallons of cooking oil around Slim Jim. See, they were going to fire up the boilers on the old engine and they figgered that Slim Jim would thereby sweat off enough fat that, combined with the cooking oil, a half dozen strong guys could pull him out.

Problem was, the boiler was dry and nobody wanted to fire 'er up and maybe crack the boiler -- ya never know when you might need a big locomotive, ya know. Also Slim Jim hisself was hollering some objections or other to the plan.

So there was some more palaver whilst a new plan was developed. Prit near half the folks wanted to just leave him stuck there as an object lesson (or, as Honest Pete called it, "an objectible lesion"), but hotter heads prevailed and they brought up the lines from the air compressor over at the sewage treatment plant. This is one BIG compressor, so a half-mile or so of air hose hardly made a dent in the PSI output. They hooked that line up to the boiler and turned on the air.

Well, bein' the weakest spot in the system, so to speak, ol' Slim Jim shot outa there like a cork from champagne bottle. Mountain Home and Hill AFBs caught him on their radars and scrambled a full flight of interceptors, F-20s I think they were, to shoot him down. Only what goes up must come down and ol' Slim Jim did just that, makin' his landing splat in Fightin' Frank's manure pile. Frank come a runnin' outa his house, shotgun in hand, and Slim Jim stood up, the manure coverin' him from head to toes and jist a-drippin' manure and cooking oil.

Frank took one look, screamed something about The Blob, threw down his scattergun and took off for the back forty. Mrs. Frank saw a glimmer of humanity in what stood before her and turned on the garden hose. Right quick Slim Jim was standin' there, pretty much soaked in cooking oil but fairly clear of manure. Mrs. Frank tossed him the end of a lariat and quietly led him to the porch. She called the Sheriff, who sent a pickup to take him into town.

All ended well, except that Slim Jim got tossed into durance vile for thirty days from running around without pants -- they'd got ripped right offa him when he shot outa the smoke stack. Frank finally found his way home and Mrs. Frank soothed his troubles about The Blob by reminding him of what they were doing the night that the movie played at the Sunny-Up Drive Inn.

So ya see, ma'am, sometimes out here we gotta shoot things to make 'em right.

Or something.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 09:58 PM

And in the REALLY Far West, you can never tell what'll happen:

SOUTHWORTH, Wash. (AP) -- A man trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut blasted the wheel with a 12-gauge shotgun, injuring himself badly in both legs, sheriff's deputies said.

The 66-year-old man had been repairing a Lincoln Continental for two weeks at his home northwest of Southworth, about 10 miles southwest of Seattle, and had gotten all but one of the lug nuts off the right rear wheel by Saturday afternoon, Kitsap County Deputy Scott Wilson said.

"He's bound and determined to get that lug nut off," Wilson said.

From about arm's length, the man fired the shotgun at the wheel and was "peppered" in both legs with buckshot and debris, with some injuries as high as his chin, according to a sheriff's office report.

"Nobody else was there and he wasn't intoxicated," Wilson said.

The man was taken to Tacoma General Hospital with injuries Wilson described as severe but not life-threatening.


Ah, Seattle....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 10:19 PM

Rapaire,

That there is some mighty fine BS. Yessir! Mighty fine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 11:00 PM

Most folks 'round here don't blast lug nuts with a 12 gauge. Leastwise, the lug nuts on wheels....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 07 - 11:10 PM

That Southworth guy was probably an immigrant from South Texas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 08:44 AM

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
Too much death and too many napalmed bodies
Too much blood, too many brains spilled in the mud
Too many broken bodies --
Chains a thousand years in forging kept her home.

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
A kid right out of nursing school
She was there at Khe San, Hue and Tet
Off to war, she saw it all
Chains a thousand years in forging kept her home.

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
The bottle drowned the nurse that she had been.
She'd roamed around and slept around
Nothing stopped the marching
Chains a thousand years in forging kept her home.

Jesse didn't come to work today.
The dead were tramping through her mind again
When the foreman went to find out what was wrong
He found her lying across her bed
A forty-five slug in her head
Chains a thousand years in forging yanked her home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 10:06 AM

Y'all are in SUCH mighty fine fettle, it makes my heart proud.

Them Legionaires sure are a fun lovin' bunch, I say.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 11:58 AM

I'll snatch victory from the mouth of defeat--I've made up my mind on my roof and house colors. Such pressure--because I have to live with these choices! But it starts into motion--the roofer will come by this afternoon for his first small check to get shingles, to put on Friday and Saturday, weather permitting, and the painter will come in a day or two to power wash the paintable parts. The gutter guy will come after some and before others. I'll go buy six soffit vents to have handy for installation.

MOM can sit on the porch and enjoy the show, though she'll have to move when the power wash comes by.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 01:35 PM

Sheesh, ya post an unattributed pome and Amos don't take up on it. Whatever is the world coming to?

MOM! Amos isn't buggin' me!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 01:53 PM

Well, Rapaire, to be honest, it had the fine perfume of authenticity around it, so I decided not to challenge you about its authorship. Have you tricked me, at last? Or is it in fact your own?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 03:32 PM

Yes, I wrote it. And I'm proud of it, do you hear me? PROUD of it! So there!

AND I've got another one noodling around in my head. About voting: "I'm telling you, Mister, it's mine".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 04:31 PM

Well, "Jesse" is a keeper for sure, Mister R., and something to be proud of.

Grim, though...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 05:11 PM

Well, I was in a grim mood when I wrote it. It was all Jerry Rasmussen's fault.


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