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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 25 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 10:09 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 12:11 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 10:13 AM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 09:18 AM
Acme 25 Feb 08 - 12:27 AM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM
Janie 24 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 08:55 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 08:08 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 08 - 06:36 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 04:02 PM
Acme 24 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 08 - 03:46 PM
Acme 24 Feb 08 - 02:34 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 12:28 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 09:45 AM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 08 - 01:32 AM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 01:02 AM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 11:37 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 11:24 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 10:18 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 10:06 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 10:02 PM
GUEST,Johnny 23 Feb 08 - 10:00 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 09:47 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM
Acme 23 Feb 08 - 09:15 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 09:14 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 08:06 PM
Little Hawk 23 Feb 08 - 08:02 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 07:40 PM
Acme 23 Feb 08 - 07:22 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 07:14 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 05:30 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 05:21 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 04:59 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 04:50 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 03:32 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 03:25 PM
Little Hawk 23 Feb 08 - 03:02 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 01:52 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 01:37 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 01:28 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM

I'm feeding chicken broth to a kid who is under the weather. Can't decide which end might go. . . I hate that!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 10:09 PM

Oh, Mom! I'm so sorry, but I had to attend a Leadership Conference on getting and giving feedback all afternoon at City Hall. And so I found you near the bottom. I'll do my best, I will, but Amos has to take some responsibility around here.

In the meantime, I learned about feedback. That's when you go out and feed the chickens, and some hours later you get your feed back.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM

I hate when midday comes around,
And finds our Mom full half-way down.
It makes me fret, I do confess,
About our standard of BS!
If our BS were pure and fine,
"twould penetrate the Mudcat mind
And every Mudcat name or ghost
Would come to read, and, often, post.
But 'tis not so! No, 't is not so!
She drifts adown, and well below
The middle mark of the lower half,
Hoping some soul will read and laugh.
I urge you, MOAB sons and daughters,
To save her when she starts to totter,
And seek to better your alignment,
Your nuance, quip and pure refinement
That we might welcome one and all
Into these hallowed BS halls.


Quibbly N. Deering. Chief Pathologist
Steel Creek Center for the Ambiguously Determined
Steel Creek, Manislaw, Virginia


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM

My sympathies, from a fellow-sufferer. Is unrequired reading as harsh a fate, say, as unrequited love? I would think it might be, especially for a solipsist who is uncompromisingly engaged int he pursuit of self-realization in all manifestations of everyone.

Should we bemoan our respective fates as Unrequired Reading? Perhaps not. It is possible that only voluntary reading can elicit genuine, emotional, mental and spiritual responser ont he part of the Reader.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 12:11 PM

That's why I've never become a famous poet and Required Reading.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 10:13 AM

I think that was not a full Alexandrine, sir, but perhaps a partial madeleine. Hard to tell in its present state.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 09:18 AM

I broke mine back in college, writing an epic pome I called "Beowulf" -- maybe you heard of it. Anyway, it got set wrong and now I write iambs in trochaic tetrameter and Alexandrines as blank verse. Here's an example of what I mean by the latter:


























See? And the doctors say it can't be fixed without affecting my Metricali Rose bone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 12:27 AM

Ow! That musta hurt!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM

No, I'm fine, darlin'--just feeling a little splixty after straining my scansion bone, as it were...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM

Sicty? Does that mean you had a bout of barfing after that last post?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 08:55 PM

And now to get (at last) some kicks
Hears triple-two and ten times six!!
Come forth, ye bells and trumpets loud,
And spread the news (of which I'm proud)
That by quick action, lickety-splixty
I've posted 222 and sicty!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 08:08 PM

As we are well past 22K, dear sir, you will appreciate that any posts numbered e (whose numerical value truncated to 20 decimal places is:
2.71828 18284 59045 23536...) or ¹ (3.1514...) are far behind on our dusty trail, but please feel free to go back and grab them, and none will contest you. Likewise the square root of -1, whose friends call him i is somewhere back in the historical mists of our early beginnings. But I urge you to be careful in your claimancy, here, since it may be the case that ALL our numbers are imaginary, this being the MOAB and all.

As for ° +1, do be patient and it shall be yours as soon as we reach it.

Regards,


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 06:36 PM

Amos, I would like the following numbers:

e
pi
the square root of -1
infinity plus 1

Please send them 'round as soon as possible.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM

An olde gem attributed to various English-speaking school systems, but still worth a grin:

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room
temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.



God bless us, one and all...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 04:02 PM

Well, he didn't say he wanted it -- and after all, I gave the trick away about the "5".

But I will let him have any number he wants, if he will only say so, and will post it with impeccable timing. With all my heart, I will.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM

You don't want sand in your culottes. If the guys at the Legion were worried about that they must have your best interests at heart!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 03:46 PM

That's...that's alright. I'm used to it. Kicked around, rejected everywhere, why just the other night up at the Legion Hovel I was playing cards and just knew that my straight flush (Queen down) was the winning hand. I bet the farm on it, even my pants. And I was right! My flush would have won if we hadn't been playing Uno at the time. Fortunately, the other guys let me keep my pants for they knew what my wife would say if I came home pantsless...pantless...sans culottes. So I'm used to it. I'd go jump into the river and drown if it wasn't frozen and I'm probably break my ankles or at least sprain them instead. And in the summer when it's not frozen it's only a couple inches deep.

Sigh.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 02:34 PM

Amos, I thought you were going to let Rapaire have that number? You took it yourself!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 12:28 PM

Dear Dr Paire:

Thank you for your recent shipment of Idaho snow. I am sorry to say the quality control on your product was well below standard. Don't you people even know how to make reliable snow? Your shipment was entirely unable to withstand the rigprs of the targeted environment here, even in the first day of deployment. As a result it suffered a complete meltdown, and ended up running down the streets and into the flower beds completely beyond control. Your logistics system, which we asked to deliver the snow to Lake Hodges reservoir, ended up sprinkling the faulty product over half the county. As a result we received none of the expected benefits of a large snowfall. None of our citizenry are getting to shovel anything, no-one is freezing, no snowblowers have been purchased, the market in wide-bladed shovels continues to be dormant, no snowmen decorate our green lawns, and my little sister has not been pummeled with a single slushball.

I am sorry to say we cannot consider this a fulfillment of contract on your part and would request that you cancel the delivery order; Idaho needs to go back to the drawing board as far as snow is concerned, and work up a more robust design before it again enters the export market.

Sincerely yours,

A. Jessup
San Diego


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM

Let's save 22252 for Rapaire. It's just the same as 22222 except on of the 2's is upside down, and he'll never notice.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 09:45 AM

Ah, but there are hoseurs, LH, as surely as there are voyageurs, explorateurs, or even travailleurs. I am speaking to one even as I write! Do you think I am how you say delusionaire? Fie!! C'est un canard enorme.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 01:32 AM

Ah, yes, Goody Two-Shoes. She was one of the lights of Plymouth, Mass, wasn't she, back in the old days?

There are no "hoseurs", Amos! LOL! It's just unthinkable. It would be a contradiction in terms. I think you are referring, sir, to "tabernacs". A tabernac is the French Canadian equivalent of a hoser, but a tabernac is never a "hoseur".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 01:02 AM

You're living right, no doubt about it. :D



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 11:37 PM

Oh Johnny, get a life, fer Pete's Sake. I was stringing you along anyway. You are such a goody two shoes, and, really, no fun at all.

I had a much better time going to dinner with Dani and splitting a bottle of bubbly to celebrate my pending elevation from the cesspool to the basement of financial security (Mastercard and Visa will again be pleased), than I would have had with you anyway.

I only regret that we drove to town instead of walked. Then we could have finished the evening at the Blue Bayou, listening to Cool John Ferguson


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 11:24 PM

Rapaire, as Larry the Cable Guy says (I think he may be one of the legionaires), Get 'er done!

Then you'll be all healed up for the Dublin trip.

Not that you deserve it. I think you should stay home and give the ticket to me. Pat and I would have a grand time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:18 PM

Well, it better work out or you'll be casting curses and cursing casters in the same breath; which will hoist you by your own petard, coming and going.

Anyway, I wish you luck; I bet that titanium substitute would get you to Dublin, and get your health costs to doublin'. Ya gotta wonder who's runnin' this joint, anyway?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:06 PM

Rapaire, you stop that skin business, and don't give me any of your lip, either. See what you've done!!! You're making Janie wobble her lower lip and sniff!!! Back off, dude, and take that pseudopodal hand-puppet Prom Boy Johnny with you. You can have 33333, if you are good. If you're not you my find the head of a giant squid gracing the foot of your bed some morning.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:02 PM

Well, hell, Amos. If Yellowstone pops the snow'll melt.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Johnny
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:00 PM

Oh, Janie! Why did you do it? And just before I was to get my Eagle Scout badge, too. There we were, dancing the last dance, cheek to cheek, me wearing my white sport coat and a pink carnation and you in your strapless prom dress, when all of your skin fell off.

Now I am a broken shell, a ne'er-do-well writing hack speeches for Republican candidates, living in San Diego with all the other hacks, drinking Wild Irish Rose wine and consorting with politicians.

And we could have been so happy together!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:47 PM

Mommmmmmmeeeeeeee....MAKE 'EM STOP!   Rapaire and Little Hawk are being mean to me - don't listen to them, Mom, Rapaire DID TO start it, and I wouldn't have kicked him in his bum knee if he had just left me alone....and Little Hawk's makin' fun of me (sniff-snort-hiccup) - he called - called me- sniff - well anyway - I don't know what youth means in Canuck -but I'll betcha the English translation is a bad word. I think you should wash his mouth out with soap.

Amos tried to stick up for me, but they wouldn't listen.   I don't think they should get any of that jello salad you promised we could have before bedtime tonight.







I thought Johnny would have called by now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM

What about tomorrow, Mag? Rapaire, if you need surgery, get them to slip a titanium knee joint in there for you. A few weeks from now you'll feel like a new man.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM

First I want to find out what's wrong with it. And yes, I kinda expect surgery; I'd give it a 75% chance. I can feel things move inside the joint when I do crazy, wild things like walk or climb stairs or get up. What concerns ME is that we have tickets to fly to Dublin on May 18 and back on June 1. Fortunately, Pat took out trip insurance and she can always go without me (a couple of friends are also going.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:15 PM

There is a tune running around in my head this evening. From Annie.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow. . .



Do you think you'll need surgery on the knee, Rap?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:14 PM

Ah, :itt;e Hawk, you play my stern, polysyllabic lectures back to me and expect me to be recondite? Pshaw, teach your gramma to suck eggs, rather.

Your disrespect for descriptive, regional linguistics shows you as an authoritarian martinet, sirrah, a man of much pretense and little conscience or discrimination about the genuine values of communication; in short a poser, and a hoser, Or, if you insist on Qu?becois, a poseur and a hoseur.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 08:06 PM

I like screech. It's good stuff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 08:02 PM

The word is still "poseur", Amos. It's a French word. The fact that a few dumbass American youths have such lazy brains that they can't handle spelling or pronouncing any word they haven't already seen in Batman or Popular Mechanics does not change the fact that the real word is "poseur".

A "poser" is a question that is very difficult to answer. She was not talking about a poser, she was talking about a poseur. Note that the accent in poseur is on the 2nd syllable, while the accent in poser is on the first.

Once again, sir, you are being a cantakerous, obstreperous, deliberately obstructionist, and downright unreasonable diddlyboob of the worst sort. I shall have to reduce your official intellectual rating by one star...from a "9" to an "8". Hang your head in shame!

Janie - It's true we don't have too many hillbillies...but we have thousands and thousands of hosers in Canada, and they are just as good. Or bad. Depending on how you look at it. And then we've got Newfies and Squid-Jiggers too. If them "byes" lived in Tennessee or West Virginia, they would BE hillbillies of the first water, I can assure you. Newfies make "Screech" too and it's even stronger than moonshine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 07:40 PM

I feel sorry for Johnny. His whole life ahead of him, voted "Most Likely To Succeed," valedictorian AND salutarian for his class, Class President, football hero by scoring the winning touchdown at the Homecoming Game, Captain of the basketball team, champion goalie of the soccer team, First Trumpet in the Band, National Honor Society, accepted at Harvard AND Yale AND Bob Jones University, champion debater, and voted "Biggest Heartthrob" by no less than six sororities. Poor Johnny...doomed to a life of disgrace and shame and Utter Degradation And Depravity.

They'll probably find his body in the Tallahatchee River someday.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 07:22 PM

Just so she doesn't curse your cast if you have the surgery!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 07:14 PM

Cute kids like me don't cast curses. That curse was created by Mom her own self so that I'd get a Really Cool Number because I'm hobbling around with a bum knee, using a hiking stick to assist. Mom thought that it might cheer me up, what with me facing possible surgery and all, and so she cast the curse.

Poor Johnny....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 05:30 PM

The problem with Canada, LH, is a dearth of hillbillies. Other than that, I understand it's a pretty fine place - except for the fact that you have winter there. " course, that's also the problem with Idaho.

A pox your curse, Rapaire. Such curses mean nothing to a hillbilly. We're born pretty thin-skinned. By the time we're 50, it has about all worn off anyhoo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 05:21 PM

In hillbilly we sez it and writes it how we wants.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 04:59 PM

See also poser in the same reference collection, you poser...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 04:50 PM

It is most presumptuous of you, Rapaire, to even pretend to be casting curses in the House of MOAB. Especially against your own sibling. Now you say you're sorry right now. Otherwise you are going to catch it but good.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 03:32 PM

I hope Janie doesn't plan on going to the Prom this or any year. All of her skin is going to fall off during the Big Dance. Nothing else, just her skin. Not even her clothing. All of a sudden her partner (probably named "Johnny") will be dancing with a skinless person. He'll scream and run away, dropping his condoms as he goes. Out in the parking lot he'll start drinking, the first steps on the downhill road to Perdition And Worse, only it'll be more like driving over a cliff.

He'll end up writing speeches for Compassionate Conservatives.

And it will all be Janie's fault for disregarding The Curse.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 03:25 PM

Fie, Little Hawk. Her meaning, which translates the French into English, was perfectly clear. So dere. Wise guy.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 03:02 PM

The word is "poseur". Another gift from the great nation which gave us the word "frisson"!

"poseur" vs "poser"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 01:52 PM

Who wants to hire a PHD?
Especially the one I have--in philosophy?

(chorus)
This PHD won't get jobs for you anymore,
and this PHD doesn't mean what it did before--
and if you want to get tenure-tracked in college,
it takes more than knowledge!

Time was that learning made you
the finest of the fine--
but now it just marks you as
the smartest in the jobless line!

(chorus)

This PHD only gives me another name
and this PHD is as useless as its frame--
and if you want to get tenure-tracked in college,
it takes more than knowledge!

(V. Alan White here


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 01:37 PM

I gotta say, Janie, that took real guts ... balls ...courage.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM

the cellulite!

Hah! Rap's a poser.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 01:28 PM

lose


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