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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

GUEST,MMario 21 Jul 04 - 09:11 AM
Rapparee 21 Jul 04 - 09:05 AM
Acme 21 Jul 04 - 01:47 AM
Little Hawk 20 Jul 04 - 11:10 PM
Rapparee 20 Jul 04 - 09:53 PM
Acme 20 Jul 04 - 06:56 PM
Amos 20 Jul 04 - 06:03 PM
Rapparee 20 Jul 04 - 01:02 PM
freda underhill 20 Jul 04 - 12:31 PM
GUEST,MMario 20 Jul 04 - 12:19 PM
Rapparee 20 Jul 04 - 11:53 AM
Little Hawk 20 Jul 04 - 10:27 AM
Amos 20 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM
Acme 20 Jul 04 - 09:58 AM
Rapparee 20 Jul 04 - 09:52 AM
Little Hawk 19 Jul 04 - 11:37 PM
Amos 19 Jul 04 - 08:37 PM
Rapparee 19 Jul 04 - 08:22 PM
Amos 19 Jul 04 - 05:57 PM
Rapparee 19 Jul 04 - 03:51 PM
Amos 19 Jul 04 - 02:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 19 Jul 04 - 02:02 PM
Acme 19 Jul 04 - 12:18 PM
Rapparee 19 Jul 04 - 09:55 AM
Rapparee 18 Jul 04 - 11:20 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jul 04 - 09:55 PM
Rapparee 18 Jul 04 - 09:41 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jul 04 - 08:53 PM
Rapparee 18 Jul 04 - 08:30 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jul 04 - 07:56 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Jul 04 - 06:30 PM
Amos 18 Jul 04 - 11:33 AM
Rapparee 18 Jul 04 - 11:19 AM
Acme 18 Jul 04 - 03:34 AM
Rapparee 17 Jul 04 - 03:34 PM
Amos 17 Jul 04 - 03:30 PM
Rapparee 17 Jul 04 - 03:23 PM
Amos 17 Jul 04 - 02:21 PM
Acme 17 Jul 04 - 02:07 PM
Amos 17 Jul 04 - 01:03 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Jul 04 - 12:41 AM
Amos 16 Jul 04 - 05:14 PM
Rapparee 16 Jul 04 - 05:13 PM
Little Hawk 16 Jul 04 - 04:47 PM
Rapparee 16 Jul 04 - 04:00 PM
Acme 16 Jul 04 - 02:06 PM
Acme 16 Jul 04 - 01:43 PM
Amos 16 Jul 04 - 01:36 PM
Little Hawk 16 Jul 04 - 01:27 PM
Amos 16 Jul 04 - 10:06 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 09:11 AM

Castle trash *are* a real social problem - they move into the neighborhood - and the property values plummet - all those manicured lawns, and tennis courts! TOPIARY!!!! you would think they would have at least a self-respect. Like a pink flamingo on the lawn - the least they could do is TRY to fit in and respect the mores of the community they live in.

Would you believe some of them (not all, I'm sure) have

servants?


unbelievable. In this day and age?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 09:05 AM

I was in England when Diana was killed and she told me that it wasn't. She also told me that it was Chuck who wouldn't let her bring me some nice tea when my wife and I were motoring in the Balmoral area that cold, wet, October night. She wanted to, thought it would be "downright neighborly" (to use her own words), but Chuck wouldn't let her -- got downright hostile, she said. Anyway, I'd crossed her off my "invite list" because of it, but I've since restored her and in fact I chatted briefly with her when a few spirits dropped in for a drop the other night.

Chucky still is off and there's powerful little chance he's going to be restored to full social status. The very idea, hangin' around with that floozy when poor Di was just sitting at home, wearing a revealing negligee and just waiting, waiting, waiting.... Then he'd come home smelling of cheap beer, cheap cigars, and cheaper perfume, and just drop into bed wearing his dirty boxer shorts and snore and burp from both ends. Just some castle trash, if you ask me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 01:47 AM

And you think "Idaho" is better?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 11:10 PM

Rapaire! It is not proper to use the term "Indiana" on this forum, as it is deemed offensive to the memory of the late Princess of Wales.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 09:53 PM

I'm not whiff! I bathed just...let's see...I remember it because the day was sooo cold and there was snow on the ground...hmmmm...I think I was living in Indiana, so it would have been before 2000....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 06:56 PM

but not a wuss


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 06:03 PM

And something of a whiff, at that....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 01:02 PM

I'm a waif....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 12:31 PM

my mother was a WAAF..


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 12:19 PM

SRS - My Mom was a WAVE; One aunt a WAFT; and my other Aunt was a Lady Marine.*



*(never EVER under any circumstance** refer to a Lady Marine as a 'BAM'. Big Mistake, Probably one of the worst I have ever made in my life.)



**unless actively suicidal


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 11:53 AM

Thank God we've finally achieved something!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:27 AM

We have Shatnerization!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:05 AM

Fie!! Fie!! Fie!!! Fie!! Fie!!! Fie!!!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 09:58 AM

My mother (a former WAC) had a favorite miltary joke:

If a WAC is a female soldier, and a WAVE is a female sailor, what is a WOK?


(Answer included for those prescient enough to know how to find it.)




It's what you throw at a Wabbit!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 09:52 AM

Never dropped no roach there! Probably would have hurt like blazes.

Here's a little something one of them radical hippie commie Purdue University perfessers sent out:
------------
Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when a rabid Rottweiler attacked one of them. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the

headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan, "the little hero interjected. "Sorry, replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy."

"What team or person do you like? " "I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 11:37 PM

A ball-coney must be a male rabbit, right? Sort of like a cockroach, only much larger.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:37 PM

Dang....BALconies?? I never heard of no gender with no balconies built in. Dat must be one BIG gender indeed, Mister Rapaire. I'm have inclined to move to that there IDAho my own self.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:22 PM

No, a great big one. Balconies and everything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 05:57 PM

WHich is all just his way of confessing that he has a very small gender...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 03:51 PM

Je parle Francais une peu. Y, yo hablo Espanol uno poco. Und, ich spreichen sei Deutsch nicht.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 02:33 PM

Well, somedays there's male and some days there's none...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 02:02 PM

Rapaire is an English-speaking American. He doesn't have a gender. If he spoke Spanish, French, Italian or German he would have a gender... as would his sofa, his computer, his car, his broccoli....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 12:18 PM

I thought that was going to be the one about the gay roosters. . .

You have a gender all day long, Rap, but as for sex. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 09:55 AM

The Chicken Story

Zeb was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was,
too but on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell
had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the
Pulletsurprise.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 11:20 PM

We got our friends in Orillia or whadever ya call that dinky little Canuck place ya live in. Maybe I'll have a couple drop by an see ya. I'd send, you know, Vinnie and Slash but I gotta use the local talent 'cause of Union rules so I'll have Bob and Alexander drop around. Vinnie and Slash would use some rebar on your kneecaps, but like I say, it's Canada, so they'll give you a good Dutch rub or maybe an Indian burn or noogies or something. Ya keep up yer smart-assin' ways and they'll provide you with a one-way ride, Canadian style -- you know, where ya gotta walk home. So, unless you want ta find a moosehead in yer bed, ya better wise up -- otherwise yer gonna have ta keep drinkin' labatts.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 09:55 PM

Now you're talking like an Italian gangster.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 09:41 PM

I have a sex all day, every day. I can't remember a day when I was without it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:53 PM

Having sex 25 or more times a day can cause you to lose weight too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:30 PM

I don't usually wear black, unless you count my socks and shoes (and sometimes my underwear, but that's because I don't change it all that often). Some would also count my heart and soul.

BWL, them peanuts make a great snack in the evening with a little salt on 'em. And it seems like sometimes I eat my words.

No, really, all seriousness aside, I'm eating a high-protein diet and I'm limited to a max of 45 grams of simple carbohydrates per meal. Complex carbohydrates are another matter, as is fiber and shit like that (yeah, that was intentional). So, like I'm right here in potato country and I'm limited in the potatoes I can have. I rarely eat pasta things anymore, usually only at cheap-type luncheons that have a boring speaker and serve water with a tiny piece of lemon in it.

Now, EVERYTHING that's worth eating has gobs of fat and carbohydrates. Stuff like REAL pie crust and fried chicken and chicken-fried steak and garlic mashed potatoes and popcorn swimming in butter-flavored grease and lasagna and biscuits-and-gravy and pizza ice cream and corn on the cob...and...and....

So I'm eating stuff like jerky. Like broccoli. Like a very lean steak no larger than the palm of my hand (and thin, too). Like salmon fillets -- small ones. Like salads, with lemon juice instead of thousand island dressing. Like a tablespoon of bare brown rice.

I'm making myself very sad, but like I said, non-food stuff. It'll keep you alive, it's healthy as all hell, I've lost 22 pounds (weight, not money) since I started back in early February.

And nope, I wouldn't cheat, nope, not me, not ever, nope, no sirree!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 07:56 PM

I just realized something. It hit me like a brilliant flash of lightning emblazoned across a darkened sky and gave me chills...William Shatner is probably the greatest thespian ever and he usually does not wear black! This has some profound significance upon which may hang the fate of Western civilization, and I am going to figure it out if it takes me all week. I would appreciate help on this if anyone is so inclined...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 06:30 PM

I'm on a strict diet consisting solely of nonfood items...

So, like, what can you eat, Rap? Styrofoam peanuts?



And why is the magic link thingy at the bottom of this page showing a link to law firm that specializes in defending people against federal charges? Have we said something to attract the attention of that Rumsfeld feller? Or is it just a not-so-subtle warning?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 11:33 AM

For my part, if I were to throw myself in to Comfort Food, I can only say that the 10 or so pounds I have gained since quitting smoking would redouble. So much as I appreciate your impulse, I will have to seek my comfort in other avenues.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 11:19 AM

I can't!'

I'm on a strict diet consisting solely of nonfood items due to a diagnosis of insulin resistance. If I went over there my mouth would start to water, and before you know it by blood sugar would be 350.

But, ya know, what a way to go!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 03:34 AM

First feats and now digits. The anatomy of a thread.

You two oughta toddle on over to the comfort food thread. I defy you to come up with zero calories over there. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jul 04 - 03:34 PM

Zero is the number of digits in my IQ, I'll have you know!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 04 - 03:30 PM

Rapire:

For you sir, I promise to remember that Zero is a number.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jul 04 - 03:23 PM

Didja hear about the cat who ate cheese and them waited by the mouse hole with baited breath?

I thought you might have.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 04 - 02:21 PM

Yer feat's too big!! Can't love ya cuz yer feat's too big!! Pull in yer horns, ya know yer feet's too big!! No good, because yer feat's too big!


It has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi to it./.. Should be offered to very large corporations for their executive re-orientation training....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Jul 04 - 02:07 PM

His feat's too big?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 04 - 01:03 AM

Geeze, BWL, I was just trying to steer him off his obsession and fixation on Shatface. I don't care who knows how to spell what. Did you get wrongly disqualified in the 8th grade Spelling bee? Anyway, my little stunt is obviously overpriced since his feat is much less unusual than I said it was. So, LH, I will have to reduce my offer by half.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jul 04 - 12:41 AM

Amos, Amos, Amos....

Everybody knows that it's "bated" breath. Misspelling it as "baited" is a cheap sophomoric attempt at wit. It's not that we don't know how to spell. It's that we are totally lacking in originality and won't let an old joke die.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 05:14 PM

Oh, all right, then, Little Hawk. Four figures seems fair to me as well. How about .0125?

In Iraqi dirham.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 05:13 PM

Amos, remember that zero is a number.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 04:47 PM

Marvelous, Rapaire! Marvelous! I am touched. Bill is touched. You are definitely touched. This poem of yours will be bronzed and put on display in the Great Hall of the WSSBA, to be read by generations of acolytes of the Great Shatner.

Amos - Thank you, sir! Indeed I do know how to spell "bated breath", and like you I am constantly troubled by the fact that almost no one else does. "For lo, the wind had abated, and the sails hung loose in the still air..." But you CAN reward me financially! I'll email you my street address forthwith, and you can send me a check for an appropriate sum...may I suggest 4 figures? No Italian Lira please!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 04:00 PM

You Are Old, William Shatner
(a parody of Lewis Carroll)

"You are old, William Shatner," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very thin;
And yet you incessantly wear a bad wig
Do you think, at your age, this is "in"?

"In my youth," William Shatner replied to his son,
"I feared that it would be in bad taste;
But, now that I'm perfect sure I have none,
Not do do so would be quite a waste."

"You've grown plumb," said the youth, "Did I mention before?
Indeed, you've grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you tried a back-somersault in at the door
Pray what is the reason for that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his few locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
And by very good luck avoided the pox --
Unlike you, with your brain of a bubble."

"You are old," said the youth, "and your brain is too weak
For anything tougher than mime;
Yet you've massacred Shakespeare, Shaw, and the rest
Pray, why did you commit this fell crime?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the stars,
And commanded the Enterprise there;
And the dictatorial powers I thereby enjoyed,
Have created this cross you must bear."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your voice was as steady as ever;
Yet you failed on recordings of wonderful songs
What made you think you were so clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't mess with your Pop!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll call for a cop!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 02:06 PM

*space wasting note: I posted this because I like the poem, not because I think pappa William BS (Bill) Shatner is capable of such sagacity as the old man displays in this poem.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 01:43 PM

You Are Old, Father William
(a parody by Lewis Carroll)

"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head
Do you think, at your age, it is right?

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And you have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door
Pray what is the reason for that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment one shilling a box
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 01:36 PM

I must commend you Little Hawk. I applaud you. I would reward you financially if I were in a position to do so. I congratulate and acknowledge and thank you. I bestow on you the title of Master.

Not for your fraudulent esteem centered on Shatner, but for being the one person out of ten thousand who knows how to spell "bated" in the expression "bated breath".

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 01:27 PM

I personally think he's holding out for the 10,000th post. He knows how to keep his audience on tenterhooks...waiting with bated breath for his next appearance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 10:06 AM

Buzz off, brother William
Go away from our door
Post not to the threads here
And plague us no more
Your style is offensive
Your hair piece is trite
Your acting's pathetic
And your singing's not right

You're a wanna-be loser
And a has-been of yore
We don't need you here
You ain't intersting no more!
So Shatner yourself off
To some other club,
You're not wanted here, Bill,
So just buzz off, bub!


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