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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 06 Apr 05 - 09:38 AM
GUEST,Stilly River Sage 06 Apr 05 - 10:17 AM
GUEST,MMario 06 Apr 05 - 10:46 AM
GUEST,MMario 06 Apr 05 - 10:53 AM
GUEST,MMario 06 Apr 05 - 11:05 AM
GUEST,Amos 06 Apr 05 - 12:29 PM
GUEST,Rapaire 06 Apr 05 - 02:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Apr 05 - 03:03 PM
Amos 06 Apr 05 - 03:09 PM
GUEST,X.M. Pell 06 Apr 05 - 03:15 PM
GUEST,John Paul II, Ex-Pope 06 Apr 05 - 05:40 PM
Rapparee 07 Apr 05 - 10:49 AM
GUEST,MMario 07 Apr 05 - 10:54 AM
Amos 07 Apr 05 - 11:01 AM
GUEST,MMario 07 Apr 05 - 11:08 AM
Acme 07 Apr 05 - 12:15 PM
Rapparee 07 Apr 05 - 12:21 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Apr 05 - 01:46 PM
Amos 07 Apr 05 - 02:09 PM
Rapparee 07 Apr 05 - 04:03 PM
Amos 07 Apr 05 - 04:16 PM
Acme 07 Apr 05 - 05:28 PM
Rapparee 07 Apr 05 - 05:58 PM
Rapparee 07 Apr 05 - 05:58 PM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 07 Apr 05 - 06:00 PM
Rapparee 07 Apr 05 - 06:15 PM
Amos 07 Apr 05 - 06:49 PM
Acme 07 Apr 05 - 10:07 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 05 - 09:25 AM
Rapparee 08 Apr 05 - 09:28 AM
GUEST,MMario 08 Apr 05 - 09:32 AM
Rapparee 08 Apr 05 - 09:42 AM
GUEST,Amos 08 Apr 05 - 10:11 AM
GUEST,Stilly River Sage 08 Apr 05 - 10:12 AM
Rapparee 08 Apr 05 - 12:33 PM
GUEST,Bunnahabhain 08 Apr 05 - 04:27 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 05 - 05:13 PM
Amos 08 Apr 05 - 05:59 PM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 08 Apr 05 - 06:06 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 05 - 07:44 PM
Amos 08 Apr 05 - 08:15 PM
Amos 09 Apr 05 - 12:39 AM
Acme 09 Apr 05 - 12:21 PM
Rapparee 09 Apr 05 - 01:08 PM
GUEST,Amos 09 Apr 05 - 02:02 PM
Acme 10 Apr 05 - 12:13 AM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 10 Apr 05 - 10:05 AM
Amos 10 Apr 05 - 10:44 AM
Acme 10 Apr 05 - 04:02 PM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 10 Apr 05 - 04:48 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 09:38 AM

I've got a cap from Ship Island.

Really.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 10:17 AM

Well, Shit. I see I should have stayed up later just to head off our numerically obsessed (but non-contributing) gadfly.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 10:46 AM

AHA! knew it was around somewhere.

I believe this is from the KKV - (King Khandu Version)

1:1        In the beginningMOAB created the heaven and the earth and the thread

1:2        And the thread was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the bowels of the deep. And the Spirit ofMOAB made movement upon the face of the waters.

1:3    And the word was MOAB and MOAB was the WORD and the WORD was:

BRRRRR-WAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!



and MOAB felt much relieved.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 10:53 AM

1:4        AndMOAB said, Let there be posting on the thread and light in the void: and there was light, and there were postings and the postings shed much light upon all things and the light in the void was akin to flameing gas.

1:5        AndMOAB saw the light, and the postings, that it was good: andMOAB divided the light from the darkness and the flames from the knowledge of light.

1:6        AndMOAB called the light Day, and the darkness she called Night. and the flames she called the work of trolls. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

1:7        AndMOAB said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

1:8        AndMOAB made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

1:9        And MOAB said "This is silly - No one knows what a "firmament" is ; and MOAB drew a line saying - "this is the line that must not be crossed - not even on a double dog dare" and the line she placed between the postings on the thread.

1:10    AndMOAB called the line Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 11:05 AM

1:11        AndMOAB said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. And MOAB was pleased for she did not like wet feet.

1:12    AndMOAB said, Let the posting below the line and the postings above the line be gatherd each according to its ilk and let the postings above the line be serious and the postings below the line be not as serious;

1:13    And let the most important postings be gathered in a thread below the line which shall be unto you the most important even as a mother is to her children.

1:14        AndMOAB called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called she Seas: and the postings above the line she called Music:; And the postings below the line she called BS:; but the most important postings which were gathered into a thread she called MOAB after HERSELF: andMOAB saw that it was good.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 12:29 PM

Your excerpt from Conundrum, sir, is the most brilliant piece of theological venturing yet to grace these foul pages. I applaud, I applaud. Huzzah to MM the Archivist of the Divine of All Things MOAB.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 02:02 PM

NO!!!! This is how it happened!!!!!

Mushpie
The first world to exist was Mushpie, a place of light and heat whose flames are so hot that those who are not native to that land cannot endure it.

Poopsie sits at Mushpie's border, guarding the land with a flaming sword. At the end of the world he will vanquish all the gods and burn the whole world with fire.

Ginnygap and Sandyegg
Beyond Mushpie lay the great and yawning void named Ginnygap, and beyond Ginnygap lay the dark, cold realm of Sandyegg.

Ice, frost, wind, rain and heavy cold emanated from Sandyegg, meeting in Ginnygap the soft air, heat, light, and soft air from Idyholm.

Ymmgood
Where heat and cold met appeared thawing drops, and this running fluid grew into a giant frost ogre named Ymmgood.

Frost ogres
Ymmgood slept, falling into a sweat. Under his left arm there grew a man and a woman. And one of his legs begot a son with the other. This was the beginning of the frost ogres.

Eepyta
Thawing frost then became a cow called Eepyta. Four rivers of milk ran from her teats, and she fed Ymmgood.

Protorap, Bore, and Bestlala
The cow licked salty ice blocks. After one day of licking, she freed a man's hair from the ice. After two days, his head appeared. On the third day the whole man was there. His name was Protorap, and he was tall, strong, and handsome.

Protorap begot a son named Bore, and Bor married Bestlala, the daughter of a giant.

Oddity, Vility, and Feh
Bore and Bestlala had three sons: Oddity was the first, Vility the second, and Feh the third.

It is believed that Oddity, in association with his brothers, is the ruler of heaven and earth. He is the greatest and most famous of all men.

The death of Protorap
Oddity, Vility, and Feh killed the giant Protorap.

When Protorap fell, there issued from his wounds such a flood of blood, that all the frost ogres were drowned, except for the giant Spoki who escaped with his wife by climbing onto a lur [a hollowed-out tree trunk that could serve either as a boat or a coffin]. From them spring the families of frost ogres.

Earth, trees, and mountains
The sons of Bore then carried Protorap to the middle of Ginnygap and made the world from him. From his blood they made the sea and the lakes; from his flesh the earth; from his hair the trees; and from his bones the mountains. They made rocks and pebbles from his teeth and jaws and those bones that were broken.

Sky, clouds, and stars
From Protorap's skull the sons of Bore made the sky and set it over the earth with its four sides. Under each corner they put a dwarf, whose names are East, West, North, and South.

The sons of Bore flung Protorap's brains into the air, and they became the clouds.

Then they took the sparks and burning embers that were flying about after they had been blown out of Mushpie, and placed them in the midst of Ginnygap to give light to heaven above and earth beneath. To the stars they gave appointed places and paths.

The earth was surrounded by a deep sea. The sons of Bore gave lands near the sea to the families of giants for their settlements.

Ritegard
To protect themselves from the hostile giants, the sons of Bore built for themselves an inland stonghold, using Protorap's eyebrows. This stonghold they named Ritegard.

Ask and Dontask
While walking along the sea shore the sons of Bore found two trees, and from them they created a man and a woman.

Oddity gave the man and the woman spirit and life. Vility gave them understanding and the power of movement. Feh gave them clothing and names. The man was named Ask and the woman Dontask. From Ask and Dontask have sprung the races of men who lived in Ritegard.

Assgard
In the middle of the world the sons of Bore built for themselves a stronghold named Assgard, called Deecee by later generations. The gods and their kindred lived in Assgard, and many memorable events have happened there.

In Assgard was a great hall named Hwythaus. Oddity sat there on a high seat. From there he could look out over the whole world and see what everyone was doing. He understood everything that he saw.

Defröst
As all informed people know, the gods built a bridge from earth to heaven called Defröst. It has a whole bunch of colors and is very strong, made with more skill and cunning than other structures. But strong as it is, it will break when the sons of Mushpie ride out over it. The gods are not to blame that this structure will then break. Defröst is a good bridge, but there is nothing in this world that can be relied on when the sons of Mushpie are on the warpath.

Clearasil
The chief sanctuary of the gods is Clearasil. There they hold their daily court. Clearasil is the best and greatest; it rocks! and covers up the blemishes of the gods.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 03:03 PM

WARNING!!!

Be extremely careful when creating myths, tall-tales and other lies having to do with The Origin Of Things! Remember that a bunch of bored sheep and camel herders once had nothing better to do than sit around campfires making up lies which they convinced their children were truth, thus spawning hundreds of generations of morons who would rather accept what's written in a book of folk-tales as the source of Absolute Truth than to believe what they can plainly see with their own eyes. We are still paying for those tale creators' audacity to this day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 03:09 PM

Whoo---EEE, Brother Dub, Get It Saaiiiidd!!

Yo' neck is right on out there now!! Onnn the BLOCK!! LOL!! Watchout some ole redneck down the road fum yew doan look this thread up an' come 'roun with a double bitter to take it right off!! LOL!


You da man, no doubt.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,X.M. Pell
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 03:15 PM

Mr. Doyle's Creation Mythos - as taught to several decades of middle school students in a country far far away.

?Once upon a time before the world began the Universe was nothing but an enormous pit of nothing. ONe day a crow flew into the pit and laid an egg. that egg hatched the world."

Th TRUTH behind the Doyle Mythos:

"laid an egg" was an euphamism. The crow was male. What he did to create the world was shit. Therefore underscoring the concept that the basis of all knowledge (and the universe) is shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,John Paul II, Ex-Pope
Date: 06 Apr 05 - 05:40 PM

Well, dang! The word was celebrate!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 10:49 AM

Oh, Mom! You're only five away from falling away completely! Here, I'll help you up YET AGAIN.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 10:54 AM

Maybe we should get MOM a med-alert bracelet? In case she falls and can't get up?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 11:01 AM

Should we not help a mother great in age?
Who shall forbear, when all her love is ours?
Who brought us, every one, onto her stage
And taught us lines, and gave the very hours
With which we prance in maddn'ing cacophony
Calling out lines, avowing grand intention
And filling the air with spurious invention. Nay,
To let such such an honored mother fall is fell,
And fallen, all ignominy to tell; Thus let us haste,
Her standing to assure, unfalling
And thus in pride report, we have fulfilled our calling
And saved dear mother's gracious face.

Warwick Saddlebones Chardonnay
The Mother's Timely Grace
Elevil, Buspar, Depression and Sons, Ltd.
Paris, 1813


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 11:08 AM

not to quibble, Amos - but I thought that the publishers of The Mother's Timely Grace were:

D'Evil, D'Espaire, De Pression et Fils?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 12:15 PM

Good to have those authoritative citations, guys! Keep up the good work!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 12:21 PM

I had an authoratative citation once, but with adequate rest, plenty of liquids and nourishing foods I got over it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 01:46 PM

With which we prance in maddn'ing cacophony
Calling out lines, avowing grand intention
And filling the air with spurious invention. Nay,


Gotta hand it to ya, Amos. Had to come up with rhymes for "cacophony" and "intention" and killed 'em both with the same stick.

Sorta like the story about the jealous husband who hired a hitman to shoot his cheating wife and her lover. When he told the hitman he wanted the lover shot in the head and the wife shot in the butt, the hitman looked through his telescopic scope and said, "No problem. I can do that with one shot."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 02:09 PM

BWL:

Yes, I see the similarity!! Remarkable!!


ROFL You are a prime scalawag and a banderlog, sir!! LOL!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 04:03 PM

And indeed there will be time        
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"        
Time to turn back and descend the stair,        
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair?              
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]        
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,        
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin?        
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]        
Do I dare              
Disturb the universe?        
In a minute there is time        
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.        

For I have known them all already, known them all:?        
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,              
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;        
I know the voices dying with a dying fall        
Beneath the music from a farther room.        
So how should I presume?        

And I have known the eyes already, known them all?              
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,        
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,        
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,        
Then how should I begin        
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?              
And how should I presume?        

And I have known the arms already, known them all?        
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare        
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]        
It is perfume from a dress              
That makes me so digress?        
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.        
And should I then presume?        
And how should I begin?
      .      .      .      .      .        
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets              
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes        
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows??        

I should have been a pair of ragged claws        
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 04:16 PM

No authoritative citations there, Good Rapaire. Art lifting again? Thou art a saucy rogue.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 05:28 PM

Well, you know what they say--"APRIL is the cruellest month" for getting those authoritative citations.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 05:58 PM

6


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 05:58 PM

Palindrome!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 06:00 PM

The only metric poems of use
Are those composed by Doctor Seuss
And some of corresponding kind
Written by Mister Silverstein


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 06:15 PM

Nah, Bee-dubya, metrical poetry is pretty good fer bein' nasty. Like this:

Yet let me flap this Bug with gilded wings,
This painted Child of Dirt that stinks and stings;
Whose Buzz the Witty and the Fair annoys,
Yet Wit ne'er tastes, and Beauty ne'er enjoys,
So well-bred Spaniels civilly delight
In mumbling of the Game they dare not bite.
Eternal Smiles his Emptiness betray,
As shallow streams run dimpling all the way.
Whether in florid Impotence he speaks,
And, as the Prompter breathes, the Puppet squeaks;
Or at the Ear of Eve, familiar Toad,
Half Froth, half Venom, spits himself abroad,
In Puns, or Politicks, or Tales, or Lyes,
Or Spite, or Smut, or Rymes, or Blasphemies.
His Wit all see-saw between that and this,
Now high, now low, now Master up, now Miss,
And he himself one vile Antithesis.
Amphibious Thing! that acting either Part,
The trifling Head, or the corrupted Heart!
Fop at the Toilet, Flatt'rer at the Board,
Now trips a Lady, and now struts a Lord.
Eve's Tempter thus the Rabbins have exprest,
A Cherub's face, a Reptile all the rest;
Beauty that shocks you, Parts that none will trust,
Wit that can creep, and Pride that licks the dust.


Or even

Now Empress Fame had published the renown
Of Shadwell's coronation through the town.
Roused by report of Fame, the nations meet,
From near Bunhill, and distant Watling Street.
No Persian carpets spread the imperial way,
But scattered limbs of mangled poets lay;
From dusty shops neglected authors come,
Martyrs of pies, and relics of the bum.
Much Heywood, Shirley, Ogilby there lay,                         Top
But loads of Sh-- almost choked the way.
Bilked stationers for yeomen stood prepared,
And Herringman was captain of the guard.
The hoary prince in majesty appeared,
High on a throne of his own labours reared.
At his right hand our young Ascanius sate,
Rome's other hope, and pillar of the State.
His brows thick fogs, instead of glories, grace,
And lambent dullness played around his face.
As Hannibal did to the altars come,
Sworn by his sire a mortal foe to Rome;
So Shadwell swore, nor should his vow be vain,
That he till death true dullness would maintain;
And, in this father's right, and realm's defence,
Ne'er to have peace with wit, nor truce with sense.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 06:49 PM

The latter by Dryden, "Mac Fleckno".

The former, An Epistle to Arbuthnot, by Alexander Pope.

Oh, thou false lifter who nameth no names! May thy valves leak and all thy rings be false and break on bad roads!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 10:07 PM

Ah! Good ol' Jack Lynch. A name from my early Internet explorations in the name of Literature.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 09:25 AM

Did I say I wrote 'em? Huh? Did I? I bloody well assume that any MOABite, even the lowest and most maladroit one-time visitor frightened by the intelligence herein demonstrated, their clawed fingers, hunched over a keyboard and drooling particles of their latest swill (mixed with the juice of some Red Man or Skoal) onto the keys, a miasma of the perfume of stale beer, a long unwashed body, the ancient smoke of cheap cigars, and the eldritch odors of a long-ago dish of cabbage and limburger cheese mingling with the anterior eruptions of their more than ample stomach surrounding them like a gas cloud hovering over the rotting dead on some long-forgotten battlefield, one last yellowed tooth dangling by a thread of blackened tissue over their lip, their hair growing in disappointed tufts upon a boil-covered, pus-oozing pate, would know how to find works by Dryden and Pope (if not immediately recognize the work from the quotation itself).

Do I presume too much of those who dwell here, or of those who, attracted by the brillance shown by MOABites (the ne plus ultra of the Mudcat) like moths around a flame, flicker in and flicker out?

I think not.

For one thing, Mom would disapprove were I to denigrate other people.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 09:28 AM

Mom would also disapprove if I were to forget to close an HTML bolding. She told me so.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 09:32 AM

'Mornin' Mom!

I know I promised to rake the yard this week - but it rained almost every day - and I'm taking a break from BS to go to NEFFA. I'll give everyone your love and rake the yard when I get home, okay?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 09:42 AM

And it's correctly entitled "An Epistle To Dr. Arbuthnot."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 10:11 AM

Lo how guilt speaks loud in accusation,
That none may hear it confessed
But all see it plain. Any drifter, ragged-dressed
Has learnt the art of attribution and its station.
Go to! Thou art a lazy lifter!!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 10:12 AM

Some interesting resesarch from a close reading of a Victorian poet has come to light, should any of you be interested in doing more research:

But who hath seen her wave her hand?   
Or at the casement seen her stand?   
Or is she known in all the land,
The lady of MOABlott.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 12:33 PM

She was a gordian shape of dazzling hue,        
Vermilion-spotted, golden, green, and blue;        
Striped like a zebra, freckled like a pard,        
Eyed like a peacock, and all crimson barr'd;              
And full of silver moons, that, as she breathed,        
Dissolv'd, or brighter shone, or interwreathed        
Their lustres with the gloomier tapestries?        
So rainbow-sided, touch'd with miseries,        
She seem'd, at once, some penanced lady elf,              
Some demon's mistress, or the demon's self.        
Upon her crest she wore a wannish fire        
Sprinkled with stars, like Ariadne's tiar:        
Her head was serpent, but ah, bitter-sweet!        
She had a woman's mouth with all its pearls complete:              
And for her eyes: what could such eyes do there        
But weep, and weep, that they were born so fair?        
As Proserpine still weeps for her Sicilian air.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bunnahabhain
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 04:27 PM

I'm stuck helping with an election, and as such am using all of my BS creating skills already, and have none left to help MOAB. I will return on the 6th of may or so. Bunnahabhain


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 05:13 PM

Jaime Lachica Sin.

The Cardinal of Manila.

That's who I want to be Pope.

Cardinal Sin.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 05:59 PM

This roguish lifter, all deceits,
Lifts now the work of noble Keats
Who, in Lamia did, sincere
Write th'very lines now posted here,
But insincerely, of name bereft,
Of title bare, sans woof, sans weft
Stark as though to yon craven poster sly
It should in some way bring some credit nigh!
But tell him nay, and grant this rogue no credit!
Work hath no name at all, when he the name forgetteth!
Tell him then fie and roundly set him low,
IF thou respectest Keats, and Art, then let him know!
Bring out thy pitchfork, pick axe and long shifter,
And give no shrift to yonder lazy lifter!!

Patrice O'Henry, Count Auverigain
Blows to the Names of Mankind--A Work in Verse
Sly and Manic, Ltd.
Hull, England, 1847


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 06:06 PM

No, Bunn! You can't wait until May 6th to come back! You'll have to at least check in on May 5th because that is

MOM'S BIRTHDAY!!!


And a lollapalooza it will be! I've already put the cake in the oven. It's a giant cupcake with "EAT ME!" written on it using chocolate-covered peanuts (Mom's favorite). Khing khandu has released the Royal Dancing Tarts from their regular duties so they may come over here to the MOAB and "entertain" us. They've even rescheduled the Pelahatchee Goat Fuck Roast to coincide with the big day. The Beatles are going to stage a reunion concert in Mom's honor! Not just Paul and Ringo, the dead guys too! Bob Dylan's going to sing a song in which you can actually understand the words! There should be a new pope elected by then to preside over the ceremonies, but if there isn't, John Paul II has promised to get up one last time to do the job! And both Tweed and CarolC will not play the accordian!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 07:44 PM

Hey, Art! I respect you!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 08:15 PM

The VIRGO gravitational-wave detector will be officially opened at Cascina, near Pisa, in Italy today. The detector - which will search for the gravitational waves predicted by the general theory of relativity - is a joint project between the INFN in Italy and the CNRS in France. The European Gravitational Observatory will manage the facility.

Gravitational waves are ripples in the fabric of space-time that are produced when massive bodies accelerate through space. However, the waves are very weak - even for the strongest astrophysical sources, such as supernova explosions or collisions between neutron stars and black holes ? and therefore extremely difficult to detect.





When a gravitational wave reaches the Earth it should expand space in one direction and contract it in the perpendicular direction. VIRGO relies on laser interferometers to detect the effect of these changes on pairs of widely separated test masses. The arms of the interferometer are 3 kilometres long and they are at right angles to each other (see figure). Changes in the interference pattern produced by two laser beams reflected off mirrors on the test masses will reflect changes in the length of the arms.


However, the changes caused by any gravitational wave will be extremely small - only about 10-21m - so the detector must be very sensitive. In particular, it must be seismically isolated from its environment, and it must use an ultrahigh vacuum cavity and the best possible mirrors and other optical components.


Virgo has passed preliminary tests and will begin to record data in a few months. It will join a global network of gravitational-wave detectors that already includes the two LIGO detectors (which are both 4 km long) in the US, GEO600 in Germany (600 m) and TAMA in Japan (300 m).



Grave business indeed, that only the best of good heads may comprehend!! Of all the kinds of folk I know, only the fairest maidens have such heads, nor are free enough of gravity to dance around so massive a subject.

And, if we are to avoid unfairness, we must constrain the set to only maidens who are fair, and can dance, and speak well, too -- which is a scarcer set now than once it was.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 12:39 AM

The maidens so employed f course have a perfect right to ask, before committing to the Dance of the Gravitons, "Will you still respect me in the morning?"

THe answer depends on the orientation relative tot he motion of the grqavitons -- ahead, expanded; behind, diminished. Respect is proportional to personal space.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 12:21 PM

You'll have to delve into that one more, Amos. Meanwhile, I'm giving MOM a quick boost to the top and then I'm gonna mow my lawn.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 01:08 PM

...only the best of good heads may comprehend!! Of all the kinds of folk I know, only the fairest maidens have such heads...

"have" or "give"? It makes a difference, you know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 02:02 PM

Ahead, expanded; behind diminished; each according to their, um, taste, their orientation, their sense of space and the steps of their dance with gravitrons.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 12:13 AM

And NOT an occasion for gravitas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 10:05 AM

Doin' the Gravity Dance, I said the Gravity Dance
Hold onto your hat, hold onto your pants
You can try to escape it but there ain't no chance
'Cause everybody's doin' that Gravity Dance

Now the Gravity Dance is very easy to do
Just take off your your jacket and take off your shoe
And jump up and down 'til your face turns blue
Man, it's easy as pie, I'd never lie to you

Now when you're done jumpin' all up and down
Then the room'll start spinnin' around and 'round
And the next thing you know, you'll be fell to the ground
Old Gravity done won another round

Yes it's the Gravity Dance, I said the Gravity Dance
Hold onto your hat, hold onto your pants
You can try to escape it but there ain't no chance
'Cause everybody's doin' that Gravity Dance


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 10:44 AM

Bravo, bravo...sounds like a loud, slow boogie woogie tune might fit in, with some Dylan-like syllable-stretching, sorta like in 'POsitively FOurht Street" kinda.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 04:02 PM

Gravity is predicted to be in effect here today--the skies will open wide this afternoon or evening. Plop. Plop plop plop. All of those new young plants will get a good watering (and hopefully won't get washed away).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 04:48 PM

Don't tell anyone, but I've been getting free gravity for years! Never even gotten a bill. Must be some kind of clerical screw up. I keep worrying that they'll find out some day and to turn the gravity off. Either that or I'll get a huge bill with a demand for immediate payment.

Dear Mr. LaWall:

It has come to our attention that you have not paid your gravity bill in the last 53 years. Please remit immediately the sum of $2,347,523.74 in U.S. funds.

Failure to do so will result in disconnection from the space-time continuum.


Sincerely,

Anne Vark

Customer Service Specialist


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