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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 08 Jul 12 - 04:43 PM
Rapparee 08 Jul 12 - 03:47 PM
gnu 08 Jul 12 - 06:16 AM
Rapparee 07 Jul 12 - 10:52 PM
Rapparee 07 Jul 12 - 11:36 AM
Acme 07 Jul 12 - 12:05 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 06 Jul 12 - 11:33 PM
Amos 06 Jul 12 - 05:45 PM
Rapparee 06 Jul 12 - 12:59 PM
Little Hawk 06 Jul 12 - 11:05 AM
Rapparee 06 Jul 12 - 10:56 AM
Little Hawk 05 Jul 12 - 11:16 PM
Rapparee 05 Jul 12 - 09:04 PM
Little Hawk 05 Jul 12 - 01:40 PM
Little Hawk 05 Jul 12 - 01:29 PM
Amos 05 Jul 12 - 10:03 AM
Rapparee 05 Jul 12 - 09:23 AM
Rapparee 04 Jul 12 - 11:44 PM
Little Hawk 04 Jul 12 - 11:04 PM
Rapparee 04 Jul 12 - 06:17 PM
Rapparee 04 Jul 12 - 02:55 PM
Little Hawk 04 Jul 12 - 02:33 PM
Amos 04 Jul 12 - 02:03 PM
Little Hawk 04 Jul 12 - 01:08 PM
Acme 04 Jul 12 - 12:03 PM
Amos 04 Jul 12 - 11:27 AM
Acme 04 Jul 12 - 12:39 AM
Rapparee 04 Jul 12 - 12:19 AM
Amos 04 Jul 12 - 12:01 AM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 11:53 PM
Acme 03 Jul 12 - 11:39 PM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 11:38 PM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 09:31 PM
Rapparee 03 Jul 12 - 07:13 PM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 04:29 PM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 03:02 PM
gnu 03 Jul 12 - 02:55 PM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 02:21 PM
Rapparee 03 Jul 12 - 02:06 PM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 12:41 PM
Rapparee 03 Jul 12 - 09:51 AM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 09:37 AM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 02:00 AM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 01:05 AM
Acme 03 Jul 12 - 12:45 AM
Rapparee 02 Jul 12 - 10:05 PM
Amos 02 Jul 12 - 05:34 PM
Amos 02 Jul 12 - 03:15 PM
Rapparee 02 Jul 12 - 02:56 PM
gnu 02 Jul 12 - 02:26 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Jul 12 - 04:43 PM

I was busy bailing out the shit spam at my favorite organic gardening site, where I am a moderator. The spam last week was horrific - I guess those folks in China decided we must take the week off for the Fourth of July and not watch our websites. They piled on the spam and I spent several days not only removing that (30 minutes to get the July 4 stuff) but also tracking back and removing a thousand or more spam accounts. There are a lot more old ones, but this is to clean up the current activity and it's set so I can spot any new spam accounts instantly.

MOM was complaining last night that I had the light on late, doing all of this. Sorry about that. No, I won't put the computer desk in a closet or put a blanket over the top to keep the light under control. Maybe I'll duct tape MOM's door shut to keep light from coming around the cracks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jul 12 - 03:47 PM

Looks like it's just me and gnu and Stilly around. Amos is off in Arizona or somewhere getting his vortex fixed, Eiseley's in jail again (aiding and abetting), LH's with Amos...ain't nobody around hardly to prevent Mom from running around, throwing tomatoes and setting off M-80s and generally raising Hell to new heights. Even Gluon's hiding under the back porch, munching on a Higg's Boson, to escape the heat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 08 Jul 12 - 06:16 AM

Yeah. She'd been in shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jul 12 - 10:52 PM

Dammit, Mom was down there cleaning tailless kittens! Who knows what she would have gotten up to if I had not happened along!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jul 12 - 11:36 AM

I spoke with LH recently and I assure you that he has not transmogrified into anything. He's just as he's always been; he even answered the phone with "Ook ook, ya flippin' bolthole, eh?"

As for Chongo's last post, I have certification from both a psychologist and a psychiatrist that I am not only as sane as anyone else, but am not a danger to myself or others. My intelligence was measured at "near genius" level and my social skills are such that I rarely slam either my face or another's into a plate of spaghetti.

Personally, I think that Chongo doth protest too much. But in these times no one places a stigma on such things and I think he would be a much stronger candidate if he'd just admit it. Oh sure, there are reactionaries everywhere, but I doubt that his presidential campaign would fail just because of what I've discovered.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Jul 12 - 12:05 AM

I think Chongo posts here more than Little Hawk these days. Has anyone seen LH in person lately, to be sure some transmogrification hasn't taken place?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 06 Jul 12 - 11:33 PM

Yer allegations are completely unfounded, Rap, and yer "sources" would be 100% impeachable...IF you HAD any real sources! Ook! Ook! ;-D I'm laughin' at the thought of yer so-called unimpeachable sources which are nothin' more than the ravin' ramblings of yer own unstable mind. You make things up. You plagiarize and fantasize wildly. Then you refer to yer insane fantasies as comin' from "unimpeachable sources". Look, buddy, call it what it is: bald-faced lying or complete mental incompetency. You oughta be ashamed of yerself. Yer momma oughta give you a good spankin' and send you to bed without a glass of milk for bein' such a liar. What you need at this point, pal, is a set of asbestos pants! ;-D Ook! Ook!

You say the onus is on me to prove that I am and was always male?

No, Roscoe. The onus is on you to prove that you are:

1. sane

and

2. not a complete dumbass!

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jul 12 - 05:45 PM

I am sure Lyndon's team will put it to good use! Hi, Mom! I am in the high deserts of Arizona in the Verde Valley visiting gramma. I find it exceeding dry and hot. I do not like this climate or altitude. But duty calls men into many hard places.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jul 12 - 12:59 PM

So I track down Chongo's background and I'm not believed even though the information comes from unimpeachable sources.

I'm turning this info over to the Romeny, Paul, Obama and other campaigns! Even Lyndon La Rouche!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Jul 12 - 11:05 AM

Hey, c'mon...you know you love the chance to expound on various arcane subjects. That's why I asked you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jul 12 - 10:56 AM

Good Lard, the things I have to do around here because others won't do their own research! And me retired and all!

"The Prussian language really belongs not to the Germanic but to the Baltic group of Indoeuropean languages and is cognate with living Lithuanian and Latvian languages. The Baltic group of languages in its turn is closest to the Slavic group of languages (Czech, Serbian, Polish, Russian etc.). The latter, together with the Baltic group, are closest to the Germanic group of Indoeuropean (German, English, Swedish etc.). The Germanic languages are so-called centum-languages (cf. the word Engl. Hundred, Latin Centum), while the Baltic and Slavic languages are satem-languages (cf. Lith. ?imtas 'hundred', Polish Sto, Avestian Satæm). The Baltic languages in their turn are divided into Western (or Peripheral) Baltic (Prussian, extinct Yatvingian, Old Curonian etc.) and Eastern (or Central) Baltic (Lithuanian, Latvian). The first have retained e.g. an older diphthong ei on the place of the newer ie in the latter. On the other hand, Prussian shares with Latvian the whistling pronounciation of sibilants (s, z) against their hushing pronunciation in Lithuanian (?, ?), all of them coming from "centum" Indoeuropean *k, *g. Prussian is much more archaic than Eastern Baltic, although Lithuanian is much more archaic than Latvian."

Note that this is not "Old Prussian" (a misnomer), which became extinct as a spoken language in the 18th Century.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 11:16 PM

Prussian is a different language from German?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 09:04 PM

The paper can be found in the source cited. Yes, it had to be translated from Prussian to German (Dr. Schillet was Prussian and proud of his heritage as one of the last people who could speak, read and write Prussian) but microfilm of the Journal can be found in (mainly academic) libraries around the world.

Just as President Obama's birth announcement in the Honolulu "Advertiser" can be found in microfilms of the paper (again in libraries worldwide), which makes it impossible to fake the same can be said of this article.

The onus is on Chongo to prove he is and always was male. Research -- solid, down-and-dirty, brass tacks research -- shows otherwise and raises several moral and ethical questions.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 01:40 PM

Well, anyway, it gives us Chongo supporters plenty of scope for going into a frenzy of recreational outrage. ;-) For some people, that's all that's really required to keep them motivated and happy. Note the daily discourse on the political threads on Mudcat Cafe...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 01:29 PM

Of all the scurrilous politically-motivated and blatantly fabricated attacks launched upon Chongo Chimp by the shadowy subversives of the New World Order, these latest allegations of a supposed sex change in his childhood must rank among the most despicable ever. It is saddening to see our political process descending into this sort of depraved, unconscionable dishonesty and rumor-mongering. The question is, who is behind it? Obama's people? Romney's people? Big Louie's "people"?

(Big Louie is a gorilla. He wants to supplant Chongo as the APP candidate in 2012.)

It could be all of them! I wouldn't be surprised if it was.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 10:03 AM

What a wonderful world we live in, where careless fantasy can always fall back on the clearest of hard science, and vice-versa.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 09:23 AM

I suggest a DNA test. If Change-oh Chimp was originally male there will be an XY chromosome pair. XX -- and "he's" out of the closet, "his" posturing exposed for the p***s envy it obviously is.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 11:44 PM

See:

Schillet, Hans, et al.: "Studiert einer Schimpanse Familie Gruppe Mit ein Sexualität-Gewechselt Glied," Tagebuch des Primaten Studium Einführen über Ost Preußen. Gumbinnen: Die Einführen, Volumen XXI, Zahl 6.

Also Dr. Shillet's papers, which are found in the Institute's library (unfortunately these are not yet in digital format).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 11:04 PM

This is ridiculous. It's worse than some of the stuff I hear about Obama.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 06:17 PM

Research results:

Chongo is Pan troglodytes troglodytes. Records show clearly that birth occurred in the Western Congo; mother and father enjoyed a "consortship" (a one-and-one alliance) rather than the promiscuous sexual behavior common to nearly all chimpanzees. Chongo's father had an unusual brown pelfage -- not rare, but uncommon -- and his mother had the usual black. Chongo's parents had been under study for several years by the Dr. Hans Schillet (1897-1955) from the Östlich Preußen Einführen als Primaten Studium, as Dr. Schillet was interested in the brown/black couple's acceptance by the rest of the chimp group.

Chongo's parents were apparently accepted, but not well recognized, by the group. When his mother gave birth to twin girls the family was forcibly driven from the group and it was at this time that the father was killed (and eaten) by the dominant group members.

Dr. Schillet followed the mother and twins to the coastal area of Gabon, where they were (somewhat unwillingly) accepted by another group. Dr. Schillet reported that one of the twins became "attached" to a human near the town of Kango; this was a medical doctor who was working in a missionary hospital at the time. Because of signs given by the young chimp (e.g., self-mutilation of the genital area, male identification patterns) the surgeon performed what would now be called a "gender changing" operation on the chimp. After recovery the young chimp seemed much happier.

However, the change was definitely not accepted by their family group's new band. They were again driven out with force; this time the mother received a head laceration from a thrown stone but recovered. During her recovery it was noted that only the female groomed, fed, and brought water to the mother -- the transgendered male spent all of his time attempting coitus with any chimp or primate in the area.

Because of this behavior he was captured and sent to the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago, Illinois, for further study. He escaped and took on more and more human characteristics and now called himself "Chongo Chimp."

Meanwhile, back in Gabon his sister was driven to prostitute herself to other chimps to gain more and better food for her recovering mother (this sort of caring behavior is uncommon in chimps, although prostitution is not). She would also be seen attacking places where "Chongo" had especially enjoyed himself -- after she attacked the missionary doctor she was captured (with her mother) and sent by Dr. Schillet to the Östlich Preußen Einführen als Primaten Studium for further study. She would respond to the term "Chinga" by her mother, and after her mother's death from the wounds received she escaped. She was last reported in New York City.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 02:55 PM

Great idea! No spacesuit, no ship -- just Shame sitting in a chair.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 02:33 PM

Maybe Artixes and the boys will be kind enough to take Shane out there and give him a ringside view when it happens.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 02:03 PM

I plan to be about a parsec away, slightly elevated so I can see into the center of events. Hope I will be outside the sphere of turbulence...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 01:08 PM

Heh! Pretty good song there, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 12:03 PM

Hey Amos, do you have a ringside seat for the intra-galaxy slow-motion train wreck anticipated for next year?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 11:27 AM

Haul away and heave away, hard though it may be,
Get old Bobert's tractor out, from under yonder tree,
Heave and saw and lift and haul, until your bones are limp
And thank the stars above you that you're nothing but a Chimp!


Down on the Chongo river, boys, where the nights are long and sweet
They live on hemp and guava, and they dine on monkey meat
ANd every sailor comes to town, and every sailor's wife
Is on the hunt for chimpanzees, to take away their lives!

Haul away and heave away, hard though it may be,
Get old Bobert's tractor out, from under yonder tree,
Heave and saw and lift and haul, until your bones are limp
And thank the stars above you that you're nothing but a Chimp!


So all you little monkey boys, now listen to your mums
And don't you go a wandering, or follerin' the drums,
STay well within the uplands, kids, and do not play the imp.
Or you'll end up on a dinner plate, like that no-good Chongo Chimp!

Haul away and heave away, hard though it may be,
Get old Bobert's tractor out, from under yonder tree,
Heave and saw and lift and haul, until your bones are limp
And thank the stars above you that you're nothing but a Chimp!



Working Songs from Other Species 1956 edition, collected by Hilo Maxmin, Scasrsborough, New York.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 12:39 AM

Let Chongo get the tractor out from under the tree (and remove the trees that came down in front of and behind it). That'll keep him from messing with Bobert or pulling some scatological stunt.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 12:19 AM

Chinga and Chonga, twin sisters. Yes. I must do some research on this.

Oh, yeah. Another hundred.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 12:01 AM

Yeah, but not to help him clean up!!!

I think with his long arms and sinewy musculature he'd be almost as good as a 'phant in hauling off broken trees.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 11:53 PM

Chongo has offered to visit Bobert on numerous occasions, Stilly.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 11:39 PM

Put all of Chongo's energy to good use - send him to North Carolina to help Bobert clean up after the storm.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 11:38 PM

Whatever. Just be thankful that you got another chance to say "heinous". It's such a lovely sounding word. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 09:31 PM

IF so--a stunnign new hypothesis, Dr. R--it makes the subsequent abandonment even MORE heinous.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 07:13 PM

The National Geographic Society? I doubt they got the gender wrong. The evidence is in: Chongo was originally female, perhaps even (dare we even think this?) Chinga's twin sister!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 04:29 PM

Well, the point is that assuming that WAS Chongo before his sex change, his/her innocence is quite touching, but was clearly short-lived. This was before city ways and hard liquor addled his brain and corrupted his internal compass, and drove him to cruel acts such as abandoning his mother and sister to poverty.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 03:02 PM

So they got the gender wrong in the caption. A simple error that anyone might make.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:55 PM

That simian was poking at the camera shield with a stick. If it was a male...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:21 PM

Ha! That explains SO much!! She's a Calamity Jane!! :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:06 PM

A juvenile chimpanzee arrives at the termite nest with her mother.

Right there in the heading above the video.

Chongo -- Chinga's "sister."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 12:41 PM

Prove that allegation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 09:51 AM

So, Chongo is transgendered, huh? The curious chimp in that film is female. It might be Chinga and her mother, but unless Chongooze had "the operation" quite young it ain't him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 09:37 AM

Sad shadows of our Mom still linger
ALong the wall behind the garden.
But her old sclerotic fingers
Fail her. God will never pardon
Those who for a real life seeking
Mother's grace and house abandon.
Into the world, their minds all creaking,
Seeking status without standing.
Come ye home, from busy cities
All your errors to confess
Rest upon her back porch settee
Home with Mom, and with BS.


Jennifer Cauldron Innards
Pathos in Rhyme, Perhaps
Dorothy Parker Memorial Insitute
New York, 1958


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:00 AM

Yeah, yeah, it was a cheetah all right. Chongo the CHeetah the Chimp. His mother died of a broken heart, and it is only thanks to Chinga's flexible torso that their mother dies in a comfortable bed instead of the flea-bitten cold-water dump where he left them.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 01:05 AM

FANTASTIC footage, Amos! That is indeed Chongo in the early formative years, prior to entering human civilization, already displaying keen intelligence and curiosity.

Can you imagine how valuable that short film will be after he's been elected president? I bet it ends up in the National Archives.

It's also a thrill to finally get to see his saintly mother in "the living years", before that damn leopard got her and tragically ended her life, leaving Chongo an orphan in a hard and dangerous world.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 12:45 AM

It could have been worse - Chongo could have hit himself with a banjo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 10:05 PM

I understand from some friends in Africa that Chingoo flunked his class in stick-using. He kept poking himself, instead of the termite mound, with it. His report card read "For a chimp so ugly he sure is dumb." It was signed by his teacher, Miss Ooky.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 05:34 PM

Chongo learns to use tools against technology--excerpted from "Primate Dick--the Early Years" by Ruarque de Manniken, Humbug Press, Boston, 1953.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 03:15 PM

A doff of the old fedora to the Master, Rapparee, who Giveth Good Fyctione (the first responsibility of any wannabe deity).


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 02:56 PM

ALL characters herein are real and the events are real. Ain't nothing made up or anything. Nope.

        The fishing hadn't been very good. Tony and I had only caught a couple of ten pound fish and it was nearly noon and time for lunch, which Ted was fixing.

        "OOOOOOOOOWWWWW!" suddenly came the cry.

        "Sounds like Ted," I remarked to Tony.

        "Or a coyote, or an unhappy dog, like the neighbor's dog does when you sing," he replied.

        "OWWWW! Help!" came the cry again.

        "Yup, Ted," I said. "Probably has gone and spilled the soup or something."

        "Yup," agreed Tony, "maybe we oughta get back and see what he's done to lunch this time."

        "We have to turn the fish loose first," I said. "Furry carp are fun to catch, but you can't eat them."

        After we did this, we turned back on the trail to the old Schlatter barn, where Ted was supposed to be cooking the soup we'd brought for lunch.

        The noise continued.

        "We are never going to catch any fish this way even after lunch," Tony said.

        "Not with him making enough noise to scare everything within ten miles," I said.

        We walked into the clearing by the old barn (which had long ago fallen down) and saw an unsual sight. Ted was sitting on a log with one foot on top of a board, and he was screaming. What was remarkable was that he had his shoes off.

        "I say, Old Man," Tony began, "are you in pain, or are you singing?"

        Ted looked at us with tears in his eyes. He had been crying, which we usually didn't do unless we couldn't help it..

        "This is the end," he said. "You guys have been okay as far as brothers go, but this is it."

        "Well, yes," I said. "Did you have some date in mind for this end?"

        "Probably today," he answered. "I...I took my shoes off to soak my feet in the spring, but as I was getting up I saw a mouse and I kicked at it and it bit my toe and as I was bringing my foot back I stepped on this board and now I have a rusty nail sticking in my foot and when I tried to lift my foot the board came up too. We all know about how dangerous rusty nails are."

        Tony said, "Hydrophobia AND lockjaw. That isn't good. Did you fix the soup?"

        I said, pityingly, "It's going to be tough, foaming at the mouth and having lockjaw. But we'll be with you, as long as you don't bite us or something."

        Ted said, "Dummies! You've got the first aid kit with you! You can fix me up until we can get home!"

        "Oh, yeah. I forgot about the first aid kit. I'm hungry and there's no soup to eat," Tony said. "First aid on an empty stomach is likely to lead to complications down the road. I could forget to give you artificial respiration or to tie a tourniquet around your neck or something."

        "I don't NEED artificial respiration!" yelled Ted. "I need to get this board off my foot, something to kill the germs, and some bandages!"

        I remarked, "It might be simpler to try to walk with the foot on the board. It's a pretty long board, but we could chop it into something about the length of your foot if you haven't lost the hatchet."

        "I. Want. My. Foot. Loose. From. The Board!" Ted screamed.
        
        "I understand you to say that you don't want to stay connected to this board," said Tony, and Ted nodded in agreement.

        "Okay. Mike, let's just cut his foot off. The germs probably haven't gotten very far into his blood stream and...." said Tony, reasonably.

        "NO!" Ted interrupted. "You're not cutting off my foot! Mom wouldn't like it!"

        "Well, there is that," I remarked to Tony. "Let's analyze the situation before we do anything."

        "Okay. We were fishing and Ted got bit by a mouse and stepped on a rusty nail and is going to get rabies and lockjaw and probably blood poisoning," Tony answered.

        Ted said faintly, "Oh my. I'd forgotten about blood poisoning."

        "First, let's pull the nail out," Tony suggested.

        "If we pull the nail out all of his blood will run out the hole," I responded rationally.

        "That's why you guys can do first aid!" Ted answered loudly. "Didn't you learn ANYTHING in Boy Scouts?"

        "Might as well try it," said Tony, "because with lockjaw and blood poisoning and rabies he's got nothing to lose."

        So Tony and I carefully stood on the board and Ted bent down a grabbed his leg and with a sudden jerk pulled it up and off the nail.

        "Wow! That's one of them old fashioned square nails, and it sure is rusty, " I observed

        "Yeah, and it's all bloody, too," observed Tony.

        "If you guys would please stop looking at the nail, I'd like some first aid," Ted said, blood dripping from the hole in his foot.

        "Oh, sure. Right way," Tony and I said at the same time. "Sure is a big nail, though," I said as I picked up the board to tossed it away.

        "Better go get that," said Tony. "I think we have to take the nail in to show the doctor so they know what sort of nail it was."

        "Nah, that's for snakebite," I said. But I'll go get it if you want."

        "PLEASE fix my foot!" yelled Ted.

        We opened our first aid package. There was some ointment, some square cotton pads, a roll of gauze, a pair of small scissors, a razor blade (for cutting open snake bites), a lead bullet (to bite on), a needle and thread, and some other first aid stuff.

        "I know!" I said, "Let's wash the blood away first! Then we can see what sort of wounds we're dealing with!"

        "Great idea!" said Tony, and picked up a rusty can to get some water from the edges of a nearby pool of pond scum.

        "Ah, guys," observed Ted, "why not just use the water in the canteens?"

        "Because we never thought it," I replied, "and besides, we might get thirsty later on. I'm also hungry and that affects my thinking."

        "Thinking?" asked Tony. "When did you start doing that?"

        "There are three candy bars in my pack. I was saving them for emergencies and this is an emergency so we can each have one for lunch." He opened his pack and tossed a candy bar to me and Tony. "NOW FIX MY FOOT!" he shouted.

        So Tony and I started to wash his foot as we ate our candy bars. Ted hadn't taken a bath or anything for several days and a couple of times Tony seemed not to want to eat his candy bar. But we managed to wash away the blood from the sole of his foot and the end of his big toe.

        "Wooooo! That's some nail hole and mouse bite," Tony said, amazed. "I'm surprised you're still alive."

        "There's till some blood leaking out," I said. "Let's build a nice fire and cauterize it. That'll stop the blood from leaking out AND kill the germs."

        "Cauterize?" asked Ted. "What does that mean?"

        I explained. "It means that we get some really, really hot iron or maybe a torch and use it to burn the blood vessels shut. It only hurts for a little while, I think."

        "Ah, no," Ted said. "Instead, lets put something on it and some gauze pads and bandage it and get me home. The Mom can take me to the hospital."

        "Excellent idea!" responded Tony. "In fact, I've been reading up on this very thing. We need to pull the poisons out of the holes and the best thing for that according to all the best books I've read is to spread fresh cow manure all over Ted's foot. It'll pull the poisons out as it dries."

        "So does tobacco juice, like the guys who chew tobacco spit. You put it on and let it dry and it pulls the poisons out!" I agreed.

        "Or gunpowder!"   Tony said. "We could pour some gunpowder on the wound and light it and....oh, wait. We don't have any. Mom said we couldn't have any, remember?"        

        I said, " We could trephine him and let the evil poisons and germs out through a hole in his head!"

        "What's that?" asked Tony.

        "We drill a hole in his head and the evil poisons come out through that," I explained.
        
        "Oh, what a good idea! Let me see if we have a drill," Tony said.

        "Would you two just put some ointment and a bandage on my foot, and please get on with it?" Ted pleaded.

        "Oh, alright, but all the authorities agree that's not the best treatment" said Tony, and quick as wink wiped a whole bunch of ointment on the bite on Ted's toe.

        The ointment really, really stung when you put it on a hurt place so Ted yelled some more, and it also turned the place bright orange. Quickly I put a gauze pad on his toe and wrapped it in place with a piece from the roll of gauze. Then I split the end of the gauze and put one end one way and the other the other and tied it in place with a neat bow knot.

        Meanwhile, Tony had wiped away the dripping blood with one of Ted's socks and then slathered a lot of ointment on the hole. As Ted continued to scream, he put some pads on the hole and wrapped the rest of the gauze around his foot and tied it in place with a lace from one of Ted's shoes. Then he wiped the rest of the ointment on the bandage "just to be safe."

        Ted now had a good left foot and a big, wrapped up, orange right foot. He was no longer screaming and crying from the ointment.

        Tony turned to me and said, "Well, that's that. Let's go catch some fish."

        Ted said, rather forcefully, "Let's go home so Mom can take me to the doctor."

        Tony said, "Tsk, tsk. Well, I suppose we should, really. It's probably the least we can do for our little brother who's going to be so sick. I thought the fishing would be better this afternoon but okay, put on your shoes and let's go." And he started cleaning things up, picking up the candy wrappers and putting the first aid stuff away.

        I said to Ted, "I don't think you can put on your right shoe and walk without help" and he agreed.

        He put on his left shoe and sock, and then took them off and put them on again with the sock first.

        "Oh, my," said Tony. "We'll have to either carry him out of the Swamp and home or at least help him walk." He shoved Ted's remaining shoe and his bloody sock into Ted's pack. "We are SUCH good brothers, aren't we, Mike?" he asked me.

        I picked up a forked branch and started trimming it with the hatchet. "Yes, we are. See? I'm even making him a crutch so he can walk without touching us and spreading his germs around."

        So we started home. The crutch worked okay, sort of, but we had to help Ted over fences and under bushes and the crutch was a little long. This we solved easily enough when we got to the sidewalks by having him hobble along with his crutch in the gutter. Once he put it into a storm drain, but we helped him out of that.

        For some reason Ted kept telling us how much it hurt and we assured him that what which the rabies and blood poisoning and lockjaw and gangrene and leprosy he had he wouldn't be suffering much longer.

          Boy, was Mom excited when we got home. She rushed him to the Emergency Room without even commenting on the nice first aid job Tony and I had done. They were gone maybe two hours and it was nearly suppertime when they got back.

        Ted had a real crutch and a bandaged foot. He was walking pretty normally, for him, and he ate supper standing up. The doctor at the hospital had given him two or three shots that made sitting down painful.

        He never did get lockjaw or tetanus or gangrene or rabies or anything except after school started his stomach would hurt when he hadn't done his homework and later on he caught a cold.

        Mom told us that the doctor had remarked on our first aid, saying that he'd never before seen so much first aid ointment applied so well or so much gauze used to bandage a foot, and that made us proud. The doctor also said it was a good thing we didn't cut Ted's foot off because that would have lead to all sorts of problems for Ted, not the least of which would have been a wooden leg and THAT would have meant a career as a pirate and of course THAT would have given Ted an unfair advantage over Tony and me. Mom never did mention our idea about trephining to the doctor, I guess.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 02:26 PM

Dale and Del and Daisie are real. No shit. Tho, Del is really Johnny and Daisie is really... hmmm... can't recall her name. I just wanted all the names to start with 'D'.

I make up some stories but that fiction is born from reality. One of the reasons I sold my camp is I didn't want to be anywhere near that crowd. The night Johnny broke his back in his new truck... well, when someone almost runs into your camp at 80kph, it's time to reassess the value of living in the neighbourhood.

I post as them "on my computer". That's my fun. Not much different, I suppose.

BTW, the wardens siezed their camp and the lease is available but the bastards want a "lease improvement fee" for the assessed tax value which is more than they will ever get. Dunno what Johnny did to have it taken from him. I know what Dale did... and did... and did...


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