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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 06 Jun 16 - 09:43 AM
gnu 06 Jun 16 - 08:37 AM
Amos 06 Jun 16 - 12:44 AM
Rapparee 05 Jun 16 - 10:31 PM
Acme 05 Jun 16 - 03:15 PM
gnu 05 Jun 16 - 12:28 PM
gnu 04 Jun 16 - 01:52 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Jun 16 - 05:21 AM
Amos 04 Jun 16 - 02:37 AM
Rapparee 03 Jun 16 - 09:44 PM
Amos 03 Jun 16 - 02:16 AM
Amos 02 Jun 16 - 02:10 AM
gnu 01 Jun 16 - 09:33 PM
Rapparee 01 Jun 16 - 09:27 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Jun 16 - 08:18 PM
gnu 01 Jun 16 - 05:33 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 04:56 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 01:38 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM
Acme 31 May 16 - 11:45 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 May 16 - 09:36 PM
gnu 30 May 16 - 07:07 PM
Amos 30 May 16 - 11:23 AM
Amos 30 May 16 - 03:11 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 May 16 - 07:55 PM
gnu 29 May 16 - 07:47 PM
Little Hawk 29 May 16 - 06:45 PM
Acme 29 May 16 - 02:39 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 May 16 - 10:08 AM
Little Hawk 28 May 16 - 10:59 PM
Rapparee 28 May 16 - 10:30 PM
Little Hawk 28 May 16 - 11:06 AM
Rapparee 28 May 16 - 10:39 AM
Amos 28 May 16 - 01:42 AM
Rapparee 27 May 16 - 08:17 PM
Amos 27 May 16 - 03:39 PM
Little Hawk 27 May 16 - 11:02 AM
gnu 26 May 16 - 10:26 PM
Rapparee 26 May 16 - 10:00 PM
Little Hawk 26 May 16 - 04:52 PM
Janie 26 May 16 - 01:52 AM
Little Hawk 26 May 16 - 01:08 AM
Rapparee 25 May 16 - 10:25 PM
gnu 25 May 16 - 02:25 PM
gnu 25 May 16 - 01:58 PM
Rapparee 25 May 16 - 10:56 AM
Little Hawk 25 May 16 - 10:25 AM
Acme 24 May 16 - 10:58 PM
Rapparee 24 May 16 - 09:02 PM
Amos 24 May 16 - 06:25 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 09:43 AM

Back at the Omni, Penelope gazed at her trim, long-legged figure in the mirror. She ran her hands down her hips and thought, "God, but he's hairy! Still, there's something. No, no! Yet...."

She glanced at her Rolex Datejus -- it would be late morning in England, and she telephoned her solicitor and made arrangements for half a million to be added to her line of credit.

"Too hairy," she thought, as she fell asleep.

(To be continued)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 08:37 AM

I thaw poultry in the fridge on the lowest shelf. Health Canada also recommends using water in a pot for a fast thaw but says the water should be changed every half hour. Or, under running water... not environmentally friendly, is it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 12:44 AM

A shudder, perhaps of relief, passes through the assembled multitude. At last, relief! An end to the desperation, the lack of skullduggery, the starvation of the human need to be fooled, misled, taken advantage of! At last, our Wool-Puller has returned! Oh, Amen, and Thank You Jezus!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 10:31 PM

I am home. I have shot (with a camera) a black bear sow with cubs, a black bear boar (elsewhere on the same trip), a moose, a grizzly with cubs. I have seen wolves, elk, bison (ho-hum, another buffalo), mule deer, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I am home. Stand by for another episode (thrilling, of course) in the Ongoing Romance of Penelope and Chongx.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 03:15 PM

I fill a stock pot with cold water and submerge the wrapped chicken in the pot for a few hours. Doing that in the fridge seems like it would take forever. (This is supposed to be preferable to simply placing the wrapped frozen chicken on a platter in the sink and letting it stay there for a few hours. Parts of it can warm up too much and spoil before the entire thing is thawed.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 12:28 PM

Abstract - This study investigates thawing a frozen whole chicken in a heavy plastic bag secured with a metal cinch by placing the chicken in a pot of cold water, covering the pot with a tight fitting lid, and placing the pot in a refrigerator in which the temperature is maintained at 4C. The chicken was three quarters submersed in the water.

Day One - The covered pot containing cold water and a frozen whole chicken in a heavy plastic bag secured with a metal cinch was placed in a refrigerator (fridge) in which the temperature is maintained at 4C at 11:00h. The fridge door was opened briefly twenty times during the remainder of Day 1.

Day Two - The fridge door was opened briefly twice before the chicken was inspected at 11:45h. The submerged three quarters of the chicken was covered with ice of thickness ranging from one quarter inch on the lowest submersed portion to three quarter inch at the water surface. The unsubmerged portion of the chicken was covered with a three eighths thick frost. The ice was removed from the chicken and the experiment was aborted.

Conclusions - Dumb fucking idea.

Recommendations - Thaw poultry on a suitable open platter.

Remarks - See Conclusions above.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Jun 16 - 01:52 PM

I saw a squirrel in my maple tree today so I'm good.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Jun 16 - 05:21 AM

A wildlife viewing excursion should properly be followed by a wildlife eating excursion. Nothing makes you appreciate the taste of a bison burger quite like having seen that sucker on the hoof a few hours earlier.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jun 16 - 02:37 AM

Wildlife viewing! How very special!

What;s real, dude?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jun 16 - 09:44 PM

I think it's because I don't have regular Web access. Of course, we mustn't discount the possibility that Amos has nothing of any consequence to say.

And you might find it useful to get used to it, at least through June and into the first week or so of July. We will again be traveling, beginning around the 20th of June, to Glacier NP, Waterton, Whitefish, Helena, and such-like places.

Tomorrow evening, if all goes well, we shall be on a four hours wildlife viewing excursion in the Lamar Valley of Yellowstone NP.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jun 16 - 02:16 AM

I think we need to snip a few of the whippers around here. These like periods of moribund lassitude are discomfiting. Do you think Mom is going through The Change I have heard about?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 16 - 02:10 AM

Count on the Gnuzeer to get 'er said.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 09:33 PM

I whipered the snipper. I put in 25' of new snipper in the reel and fired er up. All 20ccs of fossil fuel driven FURY! I loikes POWER. I loikes ta HEAR power. Knows she's getting tha job done, eh? Now, fer the most part, I just lets me 20ccs idle eh? Idle. She's good fer yer weeds against yer basement foundation eh? Fer the odd dandy what grows up through the pave too. But, old man, when I gets er gowan under the back fence where she's thick, I depresses tha thro'tle full ta tha board and she wakes the dandelions what I cut last summer!

My son, my son. That there riggin will take 30 years of old paint stolen from the CNR (so's ya knows she tough paint roight?) clean off the basement wall eh! Dandelions don't stand a chance after they've gone ta seed even at idle speed. She's the clear rig that. Plus, like I said, weighs less than George's riggin and it makes far more noise. More noise - more power. That's the way it is. Better than yer lectric rig and far better than clippin em by hand. What's the fun in clippin em by hand? WHERE IS THE NOISE AND THE SMELL OF GASOLINE??


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 09:27 PM

How can I describe the beauty which surrounds me here? Unparalleled? Ne plus ultra? Wonder full? Yesterday I captured, on digital, a moose, two pronghorns, two bald eagles, and a grizzly bear (Number 610) with her cubs.

No, I did not get close to any of them for I would fain deny Mom her fave. I was at least 100 meters from them, but through the miracle of telephoto I was able to get some damned good pictures.

Did you know that if you have a Wyoming hunting license and your name is drawn you can be sworn in as a "special ranger" and hunt elk in GTNP? It's the only NP were hunting is allowed, and it's because of Yellowstone being the northern park border. Something about 20,000 wapiti being too many for the available food in both parks, between which the elk seasonally wander. How about if we all put in for a GTNP hunting license and have a big MOAB camp out and sing in?

What happens with Chongx will have to wait until I arrive safely home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 08:18 PM

Everyone whippers the snipper, but most of us don't talk about it in mixed company.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 05:33 PM

I have been busier than a lint picker in a blue serge suit factory. First boiled ham dinner of the season. Fresh green beans, carrots and cabbage and last year spuds with a smoked pork picnic shoulder roast. Then, I was busy with a nap. I didn't decide to have a nap. The nap decided to have me. Then I put the potted flowers in the garage on accounta this is NB... AC on all yesterday with the windows closed but hoody on today with the windows open. Might have frost tonight. Mowed both front lawns to wake up. I try to mow them twice a week this time of year after the dandelions have gone to seed. That's half as many times as George mows his golf greens. I may even whipper the snipper tonight.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 04:56 PM

The Grand Tetons are silent, as are the wild plains of Texas and the soggy backwaters of the Panhandle. The frozen North is silent. The godforsaken cul-de-sac of Blind River is a mushmouthed whisper. Mom sits alone, waiting and hoping that the phone might ring. The little black heart of her Bakelite rotary-dial phone remains cold and silent, silent, silent.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 01:38 PM

Which was, by the way, 54 thousand and 500 posts. MOAB dominates.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM

Well, the whole damn thing wouldn't come up at all for hours today so she'll have to suck it up. Even loyal sons and daughters can only do so much!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 May 16 - 11:45 PM

All I saw off the edge of the porch a few minutes ago was MOM, about 2 hours off of the bottom of the page, took a header right into the hydrangea. She's okay, but mad as a wet hen, because she couldn't get her feet under her to stand up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 May 16 - 09:36 PM

The Grand Tetons don't appeal to everyone. Some of us are more enamored of the summit of Big Butt Mountain in North Carolina.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 May 16 - 07:07 PM

He's there for the Maryjane, man. Good for the eyes, they say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 16 - 11:23 AM

Does it strike anyone as poetically harmonious to see MOAB's own scion, who has always styled himself as Mom's favorite, wandering off in search of those Tetons? Are is that a stretchmark?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 16 - 03:11 AM

Fish Shit is the very bottom of the food chain, and deserves no place in the polished and hallowed corridors of Mom's place. I think friend Jack is angling for a buy-off in a thinly veiled spasm of white-collar ransomware. I say we get Chongo to shit on him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 16 - 07:55 PM

Personally, I think Mr. Jack Shit doesn't know shit about shit. Posting mule shit or bear shit on the MOAB is like selling enchiladas or shrimp scampi at a Thai restaurant. Different shits have different characteristics. Horse shit has a reputation for being happy. Owl shit is slippery. Bat shit is crazy. Chicken shit has a reputation for being, well, chicken shit. Fish shit is just too difficult to pronounce. None of them have any business on the MOAB. If they wanna be heard, let 'em get their own threads.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 May 16 - 07:47 PM

The Tetons? Have a grand time.

Yo, Jack Shit... go pound sand ya jackoff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 May 16 - 06:45 PM

I don't know Jack Shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 May 16 - 02:39 PM

That Jack Shit, he gets around!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 16 - 10:08 AM

I have received the following rather disturbing email, supposedly from an organization calling itself The National Organization for Shit Equality:


Dear Mr. Ell,

It has come to our attention that various members of the Internet forum known as The Mudcat Cafe, yourself included, have posted nearly 55,000 messages, consisting entirely of bullshit, to a thread called "The Mother of All BS Threads". Our organization represents the interests of the various other "minority" shits of the livestock and wild animal universes. We feel that 55,000 posts of bullshit with no representation from any other shits constitutes an unfair, and probably illegal, shit monopoly. To avoid possible legal action, we strongly suggest that you begin immediately to include some horse shit, chicken shit, snake shit, owl shit, and any other shits you can come up with into your posts. Failure to do so may result in a forced breakup of "The Mother of All BS Threads" into subsidiary entities such as "The Mother of All Turtle Shit Threads", "The Mother of All Cricket Shit Threads", etc.

We will be monitoring "The Mother of All BS Threads" for evidence of voluntary compliance. If there is no evidence of such compliance, if you and your fellow "MOABites" continue exclude non-bull shits from your posts, you can expect to hear back from us.

Sincerely,

Jack Shit
Vice President for Fecal Affairs
The National Organization for Shit Equality


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:59 PM

Lovely. :) I look forward to the next installment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:30 PM

"Cuz I kin git her out. You and her would make a good team of limey broads in with this guy I know. You could make a lot of the ol' do-re-me," Squatty said leeringly.

Penelope fought the urge to slap him. He had, after all, saved her.

"Anyway, maybe you don't want to do that. That's jake with me, I don't make a skirt do anything they don't want to. By the way, the moniker's Chongo. Chongo Chimp." And he stuck out a long, hairy arm with something like a hand at the end.

She shook it. Noblesse oblige, she thought.

"Mr. Chimp," she said after a moment, "would you know anyone who might be interested in obtaining the release of my niece from...that person? She came over here to visit a friend and I think she was forced into...white slavery, I believe you call it."

"Yeah, I do that kinda thing now and then. What's the take for me?"

"What do you mean?" asked Penelope.

"That ain't gonna be easy OR cheap. Slim Thing's got an in with the North Side Gorillas and half the other mobs in this burg. Could git ugly. Could mean concrete boots or even a mattress thing." Seeing the look of puzzlement on her face, he added, "Shooting. And maybe worse."

"How much?" Penelope asked, taking a wad of dollars from her handbag. "I could give you, oh, ten thousand of your dollars for a successful completion of the task. Of course, Veronica must be unharmed."

"Half up front to cover the immediate expenses and the rest when I'm done," said Chongx.

"As you say, we have a deal!" she said.

Chongx grinned in a very frightening manner and took the cash she proffered. "It's a deal," he said. "I'm gonna enjoy this. That mug's been too uppity for his own good and he needs to come down a notch or two."

(To be continued, perhaps when I return from the Tetons, to which I am going tomorrow FOR A WEEK.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 16 - 11:06 AM

Wow.



Good effort there, Rap. I'm well impressed. The previous thing about Shane's demise was perfect too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:39 AM

About a year from now Penelope Rutledge, now shed of Winston due to an unfortunate accident in the Gun Room, landed at O'Hare in Chicago. She was on a trip to visit her niece Veronica, who had taken a job with a rather flamboyant dresser named "Slim Thing" and was "treading the boards" under the nom de theatre of "Randy Ronny." Penelope had heard of her niece's success and was paying a surprise visit.

After checking into the Omni, Penelope called for her car to take her to the South Side Gaities Theatre. She was excited and wanted to see the surprise on little Ronnie's face when she was presented with the four carat diamond ring that was to be her present.

The car broke down just at 79th and Cicero. Steam was rising from the radiator, and the driver apologized by saying it would "just take a second" to fix, popped the hood, and jumped out of the car.

A moment later he was back, dragged by four very ugly apes who ripped open the door and hauled Penelope out. One said, "Good lookin' skirt, even if she's a bit long in the tooth. Slim'll be happy." and they started to drag her towards a very disreputable automoble.

"Let 'er go," said a big voice, and standing in the shadows was a squat figure whose Thompson submachine gun emphasized the point.

The big ape dragging her threw her to the ground and drew a .45 automatic, just as the other three were doing. The Tommy played a concerto of lead and the four dropped. Then a second, shorter, burst put the quietus on the driver, who was pointing a .38 snubbie.

"Lady, you okay?" asked the squatty.

"Could be better, yes, but thank you. I believe that these...people...meant to do me harm."

"They was goin' to put you in Slim Thing's stable. Say, you talk like a limey -- you know a kid named 'Randy Ronnie' by any chance?"

"She is my niece," replied Penelope with a proper upper-class sniff. "Why do you ask?"

(to be continued....)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 May 16 - 01:42 AM

So fine to see the truth laid out. Now, let us turn our attention to the other miasma horribilis known as Chongo, thew figment of disgust with which we are continuously harassed by the maladroit malevolence of LH's overheated perfervid and puerile imagining...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 May 16 - 08:17 PM

And immaterial dimensions as well, Amos.

Shame, on the other hand, can't see beyond the bottom of a bottle while I can see his ultimate fate: old, alone, rancid, drooling in the dregs of the empty beer bottle he found in a dumpster, picking the lice from his clothing for his dinner, and eventually someone finding his ulcerated body in a filthy gutter and saying, "YEW!! That stinks!" Then what is left of what was Shame McBride is taken to a mortuary where even the rats in the walls flee from something that loathsome. After a very, very cursory examination the medical examiner will say, "I can't let that be buried because it would pollute the earth for generations to come, nor can I let it be burned because the smoke would nauseate all of Canada. Take it out and throw it into a volcano somewhere!" And the officials take it to Iceland and throw that which was once Shame into a volcano, which promptly spits it back out. Stymied, they elect to simply leave the loathsome thing to the buzzards, which promptly throw up and toss it back to them. And as the debate rages about how to dispose of that which was once Shame, suddenly the alcohol laden tissues of the cadaver spontaneously combust and leave naught a wrack behind. And one day, a bright eyed child will ask, "Daddy, who was this Shame McBride whose name is in our family bible?" and her father will reply, "Dearest one, he was a very, very, very stupid fool and we had any genes we shared with him wiped away as soon as that became possible. Would you like some ice cream?" And the child will say yes, and Shame McBride's name will never be mentioned ever again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 May 16 - 03:39 PM

Shane is a blind pig, of course, unlike Rapparee, who is gifted with superhuman vision into material dimensions.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 May 16 - 11:02 AM

Shane doesn't need glasses when he drives. He doesn't even need a license when he drives. Or ownership papers. Or sobriety. He does need a lawyer after he gets arrested for doing it, though. So there are some drawbacks, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 May 16 - 10:26 PM

Great news, Rap. Good to hear.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 May 16 - 10:00 PM

Officially, as of today, and I have the paperwork to prove it, I am allowed to drive withOUT corrective lenses. First time since about 1952 I haven't had to wear glasses. Yes, I'm getting another pair for reading and what-not, but I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THEM IF I DON'T WANT TO, EVEN FOR DRIVING!!!!!!.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 May 16 - 04:52 PM

I allow every kind of weed to flourish there, Janie...except dandelions and thistles. Hawkweeds are welcome! Not sure I've seen any, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 26 May 16 - 01:52 AM

Ha! Do you allow the equally sunny and invasive yellow disc blooms of assorted Hawkweeds to flourish in your lawn, LH?

Inquiring and otherwise idle minds want to know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 May 16 - 01:08 AM

People who have a crush on Anne Murray, secret or otherwise, are seriously in need of counseling! What I find her records good for is curing insomnia. In fact, they are about the only thing that seems to work, if one can avoid just putting an ax through the stereo.

Ah...the joys of a dandelion-free lawn! I love it. Don't worry, gnu, there are literally a few hundred thousand dandelions starting within mere feet of my yard, and thence extending through numerous properties all down the road...the bees will not run out of dandelion flowers on account of me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 16 - 10:25 PM

I'm sorry, it should have been AnnIE. Like in Little Orphan. I guess I was thinking of Ann of Green Gables. Or maybe Anna of Avonlea. Some Canadienne or other named that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 May 16 - 02:25 PM

Oh yeah! I forgot. He tells my gas powered shipper is (paraphrasing) shite and his rechargeable is the best thing since sliced bread. Gotta get one he says! Says, "Here, lift it." and offered it. I took it but my arms were extended and my back said, "GIVE IT BACK!!!!" I said that mine was lighter. Well, he went on about the fact that there was no way any gas powered snipper was lighter for about thirty seconds and that's when I said "The Debaters are on CBC radio in a few minutes so I gotta go." and walked away. I could have opened my garage and handed him my Featherlite to prove he is so fulla shit his eyes are brown but, hey, his snipper is better, his snowblower is better, his lawnmower is better, his yard looks better... he himself is just better than everyone else.

By the way, his wife informed me two days ago that she is gonna come paint the bottom five feet of the light standard in front of my house because the fading paint "looks terrible" (the old guy use to get paint that "fell off the train" at CNR so he painted EVERYthing including stuff that should never be painted; the old guy used to keep beer in the garage... know what I mean?). I informed her that she could fill her boots because it was on city property so if she wanted to further degrade the concrete by painting it, it was up to her. I wanted to suggest she use a steel brush to remove the existing paint but, well, ya know when ya just gotta walk away before ya say what's really on your mind? She's the same one that offered to help me paint over that awful green paint I put on the lower half of my siding when I moved in to cover up the orange paint. Yeah, half Irish and half French gonna leave orange on my house... gotta be GREEN!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 May 16 - 01:58 PM

So... George sees me leave after I got Mum back from her daily walk at the grocery. I waved. He waved. I went to the corner store for a pack of smokes. I got back about ten minutes later and who do I see trespassing on MY property armed with a rechargeable Whipper Snipper? Gwan, ya got three guesses and the first two don't count.

"I figured I should whipper-snip before I mow because if you try to mow something that high, it just makes a mess. If you can't mow you can always ask me and I'd be glad to do it." Not what he said two years ago when I offered to pay him to do it when my lawn mower broke down.

I said I had planned to mow it yesterday but my other chores got my back pretty bad so I intended to do it this evening. Alas and aslack, the thunderstorms have moved in as forecast. Oh woe is me. No mow fo' me. I'll bet the glorious yellow blossoms will be tenfold by tomorrow with the rain and warm temp today. And, wouldn't ya just know it... rain again tomorrow. Gee, a guy just can't get ahead.

Here's the kicker. He w-snipped and all those seeds got pummelled into the lawn by the driving rain... along with all the ones I picked yesterday eve and early morn today and spread in the bare spots from where the big-ass and small-ass shrubs were removed last fall.

"Looks like hell after a few years." Not to a bee and not to me.

Rap... ANN Murray? ANN? BLASPHEMY says I. As for Gale, well, she's a fellow British Commonwealther so yer allowed. Kiwi's are cool mate.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 16 - 10:56 AM

Why would he want to bite you, LH? Such violence would go against his very pacific nature as a Canadian. Even to suggest it opens to question your Canadianess. If you were an American (i.e., someone from the United States) violence and aggression would seem a normal part of your makeup, but not if you're a Canadian. Perhaps it's time for you to come out of the closet and admit that you are really an ex-pat citizen of the US who fled to Canada back in the '60s because you had a secret crush on William Shatner. Unlike being a die-hard Bob Dylan, fan that's nothing to be ashamed of. It's rather like having a secret crush on Ann Murray or Gale Garnett, only different, and you can admit to it these days -- you could even marry him if you'd like. So 'fess up and admit you were really born on the lower East Side of Detroit and grew up a street fightin' man, a switchblade in your hand.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 May 16 - 10:25 AM

I have succeeded in exterminating virtually every single dandelion on my lawn....and all the thistles too! And I did it without using those awful herbicides or chemicals. Yup. I did it all just by removing them with a handheld weeding tool designed for the purpose. If you get out there first thing every Spring and keep right at it, it's not that hard to eliminate dandelions and thistles, but if you give them a few years on their own, then yer f*cked!

On the other hand, I leave all the other "weeds" alone, so I not only have grass on my lawn, I also have all manner of interesting small wildflowers, plantain, clover, and other odd assorted stuff mixed in with the grass...just none of those ugly damned Triffid-like dandelions and no spikey thistles to hurt people's bare feet either.

Hear that, gnu? Yeah, I agree that dandelion flowers look lovely, but that only lasts for a couple of days, and then you're left with butt-ugly damned huge Triffid monster plants that choke out everything else and totally take over. Looks like hell after a few years.

So, bite me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 May 16 - 10:58 PM

Dandelions are delicious in salad.

It's humid out and the daytime temperatures are in the mid-80s, so MOM says it's time to hang the hammock on the porch. I finished mowing the back yard this evening, and then took the dogs for a walk. It's too humid this evening to hang out on MOM's porch.

Now I'm watching the May 24, 2016 episode of Frontline and wondering if I'll ever need to fight the insurance companies and the federal government over flood insurance payments (I live on a creek - this program talks about Hurricanes Katrina and Sandy).

A quiche is in the oven. I'll worry about that setting up now, and look into the insurance later.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 May 16 - 09:02 PM

You're Always Welcome At Our House
Shel Silverstein

Well a man came to our house,
Our house, our house,
A man came to our house to sell some brooms.
So we asked him to come in
And we hit him with the hammer
And we hid him in the closet in my father's room.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay

Then a lady came to our house
Our house, our house,
A lady came to find out why I wasn't in school.
So we asked her to come in
And we gave her some poison lemonade
And hid her in the freezer where it's nice and cool.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay

Then a kid came into our yard
Our yard, our yard,
A kid came into our yard to get his ball.
So we asked him to come in
And we took him in the basement
And we sealed him up inside the basement wall.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay

So when you come to our house
Our house, our house,
When you come to our house we'll have some fun.
We'll ask you to come in
And we'll take you in the kitchen
And we'll put you in the oven until you're done.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay
And we know, you will stay.

                --on the artist's "Folk Songs" 1962.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 May 16 - 06:25 PM

Bravo, Donuel. I applaud your way of beeing!

A


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