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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 25 Aug 04 - 11:42 AM
Amos 25 Aug 04 - 11:36 AM
Amos 25 Aug 04 - 11:03 AM
GUEST,MMario 25 Aug 04 - 10:25 AM
Rapparee 25 Aug 04 - 09:38 AM
Amos 25 Aug 04 - 03:31 AM
Rapparee 24 Aug 04 - 09:32 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Aug 04 - 08:52 PM
Amos 24 Aug 04 - 03:01 PM
Rapparee 24 Aug 04 - 02:41 PM
GUEST 24 Aug 04 - 02:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Aug 04 - 01:58 PM
Rapparee 24 Aug 04 - 01:34 PM
Amos 24 Aug 04 - 11:51 AM
Rapparee 24 Aug 04 - 09:46 AM
GUEST,MMario 24 Aug 04 - 09:42 AM
Rapparee 24 Aug 04 - 09:37 AM
Amos 24 Aug 04 - 09:25 AM
Rapparee 24 Aug 04 - 09:08 AM
Amos 24 Aug 04 - 12:23 AM
Rustic Rebel 24 Aug 04 - 12:06 AM
Amos 23 Aug 04 - 10:15 PM
Rapparee 23 Aug 04 - 09:56 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Aug 04 - 08:03 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Aug 04 - 08:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Aug 04 - 08:01 PM
Rapparee 23 Aug 04 - 07:43 PM
Amos 23 Aug 04 - 06:54 PM
GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell 23 Aug 04 - 05:39 PM
GUEST,Tweed 23 Aug 04 - 03:20 PM
Acme 23 Aug 04 - 11:01 AM
Rapparee 23 Aug 04 - 09:53 AM
Acme 22 Aug 04 - 10:29 PM
Rapparee 22 Aug 04 - 09:12 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Aug 04 - 08:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Aug 04 - 10:11 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Aug 04 - 09:43 AM
Acme 22 Aug 04 - 01:55 AM
GUEST,Billy Ray 21 Aug 04 - 11:49 PM
Amos 21 Aug 04 - 04:58 PM
Acme 21 Aug 04 - 04:53 PM
Amos 21 Aug 04 - 03:02 PM
GUEST,Amos 21 Aug 04 - 09:57 AM
Rapparee 20 Aug 04 - 04:30 PM
Rapparee 20 Aug 04 - 04:04 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 20 Aug 04 - 03:43 PM
Rapparee 20 Aug 04 - 01:00 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 20 Aug 04 - 12:45 PM
Little Hawk 20 Aug 04 - 12:23 PM
Acme 20 Aug 04 - 12:21 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 11:42 AM

Geez, Louise! Where do you guys get the time to write this stuff? I could manage the faux-Seuss stuff, but the rest would take considerable effort! I stand in awe of both the available time and talent you two pour into this tiny inconsequential subject. No one in Florida is going to notice--they'll just think it's something left behind by the hurricane. :)

I say this AFTER not being able to nuke the thing via rockets from space invaders. I messed up enough of the Southeastern U.S. with popcorn. If we can't influence a thing, we have to learn to live with it or ignore it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 11:36 AM

(Enter SCRIMSHAW, an ancient sailor on hard times ashore, carrying a palm, a needle, a rigger's knife, a spool of whipping twine, and a sign reading "WILL SPLICE FOR FOOD!". He sits cross legged stage left and begins serving an end of rope.)

Scrimshaw:
"Now has one hand the fate of world's revised!
With simple brilliance, in a natural wise,
Bold Tweed, heroic in his stature and his sight
Has bravely brought to dusky shadows fulsome light.
Thus in his brilliance, in an era cold,
He has new warmth begot through tactics bold
And with a single stroke of wise conceit
Laid mouldy fixed opinions off thier feet
And paved the path for new things well-begun,
Bazoukis, dirndls and the fair accordion!"

(He lays his work aside and looks up as Lord Neanderthal, accompanied by the Lady Whinge-Jammer, come into the room, accompanied by a Page).

NEanderthal:

Sailor! How is it with thy wounds?

Scrimshaw:

They heal sir, but slowly.

NEanderthal:

And what of that violent sacrilege, the Lord Tweed and his accordion?

Scrimshaw:
It is well bespoke abroad, good sir, and the people expect fair sounds from the devils breeches!

Neanderthal:
I would ne'er have believed to ever hear such heresy from an honest sailor! Come sir, come!! Make your amends!! You are remiss!!

Scrimshaw:
I never have sir, not once, and never can do twice without.

NEanderthal:
Rogue!! Thou speakest gibberish to me? Go to, go to!

Scrimshaw:
Nay sir, and always have I aimed so well and never missed
That in good conscience I may not plead to this --
While in remission, yet I never was remiss!

NEanderthal:
Well, you are a rogue in every case, sirrah. What news of our Precious Shipment?

Scrimshaw:
Sir, it is enroute, and as precious as ever, or else it has been tried and hung.

Neanderthal:
Play you the fool with me, by all that holy is?

Scrimshaw:
Nay sir, and the shipment has arrived, it will be hung, and Tweed's own neck the gallows thereof; and if there, it must be tried, once hung. And as to all that holy may be, the last of all things his dun accordion, or it will have no bearing on affairs at all.

Page:
Sire, a report has been received of a UPS operator entering the abode of yon Tweed; methinks you wished to be advised.

Neanderthal:
Aye, and thanks, good Page. Refresh, reload, and here's a penny for your threads, I will away to stop this chaos at the very moment of its birth! (He exits stage right)

Scrimshaw:
A bolder estimate by far than most of that miserable state will make, having hard-learned the price for standing in the path of wind-born chaos! But never mind; I sense the hour of Tweed's bold escape from all things ordinary is upon us. We must protect ourselves from the monstrous storm he will unleash, and find ourselves a place of safety!

(He gathers his things and the whole lot scuttle off stage left).

Exeunt


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 11:03 AM

Behold the knit of our most precious clan
Ripped cruelly asunder by our Tweed's dark plan
Who ere the youthful flush of MOAB's e'en begun
Will have it wasted by a dun accordion
And thus to trembling shards reduced,
It's men unmanned, and all its women goosed,
Its policies and government made dumb
And all its sense and humor turnèd numb.
All from this music, essence of corruption!
Its caterwaul the hymn of our disruption,
And at the hand of this fell Southern toker
Our harmony destroyed by mindless ooompah polka!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 10:25 AM

I sit in awe of you all....

I do not like accordians
I do not like them
MOAB, ma'am.

I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like them in a boat.
(But Brucie likes them with a goat)

I will not play them in the rain.
I do not play them on a train.
I do not play them in a box.
(But CarolC plays them - she's a fox!)


I do not like them in this thread
I do not like them played in bed
I do not like accordians
I do not like them,
MOAB, Ma'am!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 09:38 AM

Rather proclaim it, Amos, through MOAB,        
That s/he which hath no stomach to this concert,
Let her/him depart; his/her passport shall be made,        
And crowns for convoy put into his/her purse:        
We would not e'en die in that wo/man's company        
That fears her/his fellowship to listen with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Genesius:        
S/He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,        
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,        
And nauseate her/himself at the name of Tweed.
S/He that shall live this day, and see old age,        
Will yearly on the vigil feast his/her neighbours,        
And say, 'To-morrow is Saint Genesius:'        
Then will s/he strip her/his ears and show his/her aids,
And say, 'These wounds I had on Genesius's day.'        
Old wo/men forget: yet all shall be forgot,        
But s/he'll remember with advantages        
What things s/he listened to that day. Then shall our names,         56
Familiar in her/his mouth as household words,        
Rapaire, Bee Dubya Ell, SRS and Amos,        
MMario and Rustic, Khandu and Little Hawk,        
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.        
This story shall the good wo/man teach his/her daughter/son;        
And St. Genesius's Day shall ne'er go by,        
From this day to the ending of the world,        
But we in it shall be remembered;        
We few, we happy few, we band of survivors;        
For s/he to-day that sheds her/his hearing with me        
Shall be my sister/brother; be s/he ne'er so vile        
This day shall gentle his/her condition:        
And gentle wo/men in Mudcat, now a-bed        
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,        
And hold their wo/manhoods cheap whiles any speaks        
That listens with us upon Saint Genesius's day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 03:31 AM

Now is the winter of our discontent,
Made brilliant summer by the boldest Tweed;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
Our stern accordions brought out   to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures changed.
Grim-visag'd war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front,
And now, instead of mounting barbed steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly on a lady's squeezebox
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.
But I -- that am not shap'd for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass --
I-that am rudely stamp'd, and want love's majesty
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph --
I -- that am curtail'd of this fair proportion,
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
Deform'd, unfinish'd, sent before my time
Into this breathing world scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs bark at me as I halt by them --
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Unless to play accordion in the sun
And descant on mine own deformity.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:32 PM

Alas! poor Tweed. I knew him, Bee-Dubya; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; he hath played his blues a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that sang blues I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your guitar? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chapfallen? Now get you to Carol C's chamber, and tell her, let her practice accordion as she will, to this favour she must come.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 08:52 PM

LAMENT FOR TWEED UPON BECOMING AN ACCORDIAN OWNER

Our dear friend Tweed has now succumbed
To the lure of "accordion",
That foulest of all instruments
A box well known to cause offense
And make small children run away,
A thing that a madman would play.

Have pity on poor Tweed's guitar
That he will disown and ignore
As he his neighbors does harangue
With polkas and "Lady of Spain"
Until the poor souls move away
To someplace quieter, like Bombay.

And give a thought to Tweed's poor wife
Who's lived with him through toil and strife
Who must find a new place to stay
Unless she wants to hear him play
"Roll Out the Barrel" all night long
Or some other obnoxious song.

It's farewell to the Tweed we knew
As he becomes an idjit who
Sits with grin firmly locked in place
Upon his drooling idjit face.
Our warnings he just would not heed
So it's "Goodbye" to our friend Tweed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 03:01 PM

Guest:

That only works in gold fonts...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 02:41 PM

There's a picture of Tweed preparing to play it here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 02:02 PM

SILENCE


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:58 PM

Word has come from Tweedsville that the Dreaded Accordion has reached its destination point. It is quite possibly in the hands of our dear friend Tweed and beginning its foul acts of transformation upon that once gentle soul at this very moment.

May we have a moment of silence, please?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:34 PM

DDC 21 offers for MOAB:

631.86: Manures
636.0838: Manures, Animal Husbandry
616.89: Abnormal psychology
576.839: Extraterristrial life

All is contained within the Dewey Decimal Classification tables or the Library of Congress Classification Schedules. Everything. You should use them to guide your Life.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 11:51 AM

How interesting -- this should be added to one of the many religious claptrap threads around here -- perhaps sending it to Dewey would handle it. It would have to be terribly satisfying to those on the philosophical right to think their peculiar brand of overweening indoctrination was a prerequisite to REALLY getting along well with WindowS!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:46 AM

...but it REALLY prepared me to work with Windows!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:42 AM

T.M.I.!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:37 AM

I went to a parochial grade school, Amos. We learned abjection, discipline, and self-abasement. We learned to love the lash, to kiss the rod, to grovel before Authority, to crawl upon our bellies like the slime molds we were, to pray for the pain to stop, to beg on bleeding knees for forgiveness. This early education served me well when I was a Unix systems administrator.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:25 AM

Wow. You give good mileage for errors found, I'll grant you that.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:08 AM

I am abject. I am contrite. I am humbled, a victim of hubris. I shall go forth an penalize myself. Sackcloth and ashes shall adorn me, scourges shall rip my skin, barbed wire shall engirdle my loins, and salt shall be rubbed into my raw and bleeding flesh. Leather clad ladies in high-heeled boots will make me do unspeakable things because I made a directional error in math. Oooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh...it sounds like the nuns in second grade!! Hot damn!!! 2 + 2 = 3! 12 x 1 = 13! 3^2 = 10!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 12:23 AM

RR,

How wunnerful to hear your sultry tones again in our sacred BSing home!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 12:06 AM

Hellooo out there in never-ever land.
I had to stop in to let you all know, I want you all to go forth with blessed nipples and may ye nipples be suckled this evening, if not then, the next, or the next after that or the next...
The blessing nipple blesser- aka-Rustic

P.S. Tweed, you can play the breast accordian anyday for me honey.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 10:15 PM

Rapaire:

Not only is your science warping but your math is rotting out from under you!! Your post was 4401...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 09:56 PM

Congratulations, Bee Dubya Ell, for posting number 4,399! Since there is no post number zero, THIS is post 4,400!!!
Yay, me!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:03 PM

TA-DAH!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:02 PM

Then again, maybe it hasn't.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:01 PM

This is post # 4398. It's so nice to see that our membership has matured to the point where there's no mad scramble to be the one to post # 4400.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:43 PM

I showed that there pitcher of them Accordionairs to the Idaho Legion and they have authorized me to "sue the shit outa them" over misusin' the word "Legion."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:54 PM

Ah showed mah BBW thet theyer pichur ov dem Accrdionate Legionaires and she had one, highly insightful based on long experience, remark to offer::

"Cute but VERY unprofessional: where are the music notes on their skirts?"

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 05:39 PM

Okay, Tweed. I give up. I've done my best, but it looks like I've failed. (Insert sound of long mournful sigh HERE) It just breaks my heart to see another poor misguided soul who should know better succumb to the shallow, vacuous, cheap thrills of accordion playing.

Just remember when you get it all out of your system that there'll always be a seat for you at your local chapter of Accordions Anonymous. All you have to do is have the courage to admit that you are powerless over accordions, that you truly believe a power greater than yourself can rid you of the desire to play accordion, and that you are truly sorry for the pain and suffering your accordion playing has inflicted upon others.

Then you get to recite the

ACCORDIONS ANONYMOUS PRAYER

God, grant me the ability to play guitar,
The courage to smash accordions,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Tweed
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:20 PM

I hed a dog thet would do the glissade thing on the rug in the front room. Funny how he knew bout glissadin' az he were a real dumbass obv a dog.
Jerry Lee Lewis would glissade on hiz piano oft times too. When my beautiful accordeen arribves I also will glissade down it's mother obv toilet seat keys.

Beedzerbya, it iz a forsc obv nature what canot be halted nor heeled. The mail must go through and ef you clikc here, you will see thet thar are many in my corner to help me through this time obv transendus!
The Legion obv Accordeenaires


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 11:01 AM

I've wiped out a couple of pairs of pants while glissading (the version of sliding on your butt when descending from a mountain peak). It's darned embarrassing to stand up and your undies are exposed to the world! (Good thing I had a pair of windpants to wear the rest of the way, and had to walk or standing glissade--you don't want to sit and slide in windpants or you'll go out of control very quickly).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 09:53 AM

Whatever happened to snow shovels, sleds, and toboggans? Or just sliding down on the seat of your pants?

I wouldn't do the last in Hoosierland, though. You can never tell where those hills have been.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:29 PM

What ever happened to inner tubes and cardboard boxes?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 09:12 PM

Well, Bee Dubya, up in Hoosierland you'd find things are done a bit differently. When a Hoosier wants to use a portapotty as a canoe, s/he don't need a creek or river or anything! And no, they don't paddle 'em on dry land, neither. They tip 'em over in such a way that the holding tank provides the necessary "roadway". And if the holding tank doesn't have quite enough "roadway material" in it (like, for example, if its been recently emptied or they're gonna have a canoepotty race), they get a bunch of their friends together and add whatever it necessary.

And during the Winter AND the Summer folks in the hilly parts of Indiana use them portapotties like tobaggans! During the winter they slide 'em down the snow-covered hills of Hoosierland, and in the summer they slide 'em down the hills by using the more solid contents of the holding tanks, cow "leavings", and stuff like that. During the winter races goggles are recommended; during the summer races they're a neccesity (and it's a real good idea to tobaggan with your mouth closed, too).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 08:53 PM

Ho hum....

Just a little something to keep our poor Mom from sliding too far down the page....

In an earlier post I remarked that no portable toilets were used as canoes at a festival which I attended in northern Indiana because, in part, there were no rivers nearby. Rapaire subsequently informed me that there are, in fact, several rivers nearby.

I believe we're assigning different values to the word "nearby". Rapaire's "nearby" seems to mean "within a reasonable automobile drive". My "nearby" means "close enough that you could drag the portable toilet to the water without getting a hernia".

You see, I am accustomed to attending festivals at sites where a body of water either borders or flows through the festival site. So far this year I have been at festivals on or a short portage from The Matanzas Inlet, The Blackwater River, The St. Johns River, Pensacola Bay, The Santa Rosa Sound, Mobile Bay, The Suwanee River, and The Gulf of Mexico. At any of these sites drunks hijacking PortaPotties and using them as canoes has been a possible, though, admittedly, unlikely occurence.

In fact, the only time I have ever seen a portable toilet used as a canoe was at a bluegrass festival at Shoal Creek Park in Lavonia, Georgia in 1977. (That was the same festival at which an intoxicated motorcyclist tried to drive his Harley onto a tree which overhung Shoal Creek and wound up in the creek [bike included] instead.) Perhaps if I attended more music festivals at the Spirit of the Suwanee Music Park where things certainly do get wild I would see yet another portable toilet floating down a river. But, since those festivals afford me no opportunity to make money and cost a goodly amount to attend, I doubt it's gonna happen.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:11 AM

In a related story...

When it was pointed out to the aforementioned highway officials that, in considering moving I-95 and The Turnpike, they appeared to be neglecting venerable U.S. Highway One, one official replied, "Anyone who would drive more than a couple of miles on US One already has severe brain damage anyway. Having to listen to 'Lady of Spain' probably won't hurt 'em."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 09:43 AM

I have heard from Tweed. The piano accordian has not arrived in West Palm Beach as of this writing! This is exceedingly good news as it should allow the human population of Palm Beach County at least thirty-six more hours to complete evacuation. (Since humans don't hear as well as dogs, a full-scale statewide evacuation is not necessary. Twenty-five miles in either direction of Ground Zero should do the trick.)

Meanwhile, state and federal highway officials are meeting to discuss the feasability of rerouting both Interstate 95 and The Florida Turnpike inland to the eastern shore of Lake Okeechobee. Their current routes take both of these major arteries directly through the no-mans-land the piano accordion will create. Some wags have already suggested leaving the highways where they are and issuing high-efficiency ear protection to drivers as they enter the area.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 01:55 AM

The first hard rain ought to help "melt" all of that Billy Ray. But be prepared for "ice floes" in the local rivers for a few days.

I heard that the guys from Eddore were really sorry about that popcorn truck


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Billy Ray
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 11:49 PM

Hi. I live down here in East Tennessee and we got us a problem.

Somethin happened out on one of them innerstates a couple days ago, and all my cows and hogs plumb froze to death. There's all this white stuff came outa the sky, and my old lady and me figgered it was an early snow, even though it's over 90. That's when all the cows and barrows and gilts froze.

So we're snowbound right now, and even though it's still over 90 the stuff ain't melting. I cranked up the snowmobile and went over to Ray Bob's to borrow some flour for biscuits and he let me put this out on his computer.

So if y'all know of anyone who can help, us folks here in Fish Head, Tennessee would be awful grateful if you tell them about us being snowbound.

Thank you, and God bless.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 04:58 PM

I think Buttery is the offense commited by younger women with certain moves built into their muscular glutei maximi.

If you bitch-slap someone while wiggling your ass irresistibly, that's assault and buttery.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 04:53 PM

Well, shit, I just had an email from one of Ashcroft's minions. They said if I try to do anything about seasoning all of that popcorn I'll be charged with aSalt and Buttery.

Sorry, but you're going to have to stop that truck heading to (now no doubt PAST Nashville) yourself. Unless the Eddore folks offer to help.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 03:02 PM

I am pleased to announce that Little Hawk has been recruited by the Church of Shatnerology as an officer in their elite para-military branch the Seashat Organization, a high-level group of dedicated Shaterologists who commit themselves to following their Commander through life-time after life-time, picking up his discarded toupees and documenting his various efforts at accomplishing things.

In his new role as a Lieutenant in the Seashat organization, Lt. Little Hawk will be busy learning the vocabulary of fanaticism, and will not have time to speak to us in the terms of enlightenment to which we are accustomed to hearing him write. He'll be much too busy to post here. But this is a small price to pay for the joy of knowing that our man Little Hawk is truly happy for perhaps the first time in his life.

Good luck, Little Hawk, and may you rise rapidly to the top of the, um, heap!! Although we won't be able to follow you across that Special Gap, know that our best wishes are with you. Shatner has NO idea how lucky he is.

As always,

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 09:57 AM

In later developments it appears the Great Popcorn Catastrophe was a carefully orchestrated election-year boost laid down in smokey back-rooms by overweight Republicans wearing gold watch chains. It seems the scheme was conceived in the perfervid brain o f Karl Rove and called for people to believe hte popcorn was being distributed to each according to his need by left wing fanatics, thus causing a lurch to the right by thousands of undecided and slightly spastic voters.

However, the printers who had been ordered to provide little "Remember the Motherland" slips to put in the popcorn boxes, to convince people the popcorn was a Communist plot, slipped up and printed "Defend the Homeland" on the slips instead. Voters thus immediately saw through the scheme and proceeded to decide to vote Green in unprecedented numbers.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 04:30 PM

Here is a picture of some of the pigeons passing over a Mohawk town.

And here is a picture of a local ornithologist trying to tally the numbers of pigeons winging eastward from Idaho.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 04:04 PM

This just in:

The Department of Homeland Skurity has declared a terrorist alert level of "Flaming Crimson." Tom Gully, the Secretary of Homeland Skurity, said "the snowfall, originating as it has from a single truck, is a blatant attempt to bring this country to its knees. We can't let that happen."

The President stated in a news conference, "We'll use every means at our disposal to end this terror, even nukler bombs if we must. America will be defended!"

Meanwhile, vast flocks of pigeons have left cities in the Midwest, the East Coast, and the West coast and seem to be converging on the site of the truck. NORAD has issued the first "Guano Alert" in its history, putting all of SAC's bombers and missiles under shelter. The EPA has suggested all civilians in the path of the pigeons to wear sturdy hats.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 03:43 PM

Can we get a little road butter to go with that road salt?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 01:00 PM

I've just seen on the news that the popcorn has started blowing eastwards. Thinking it was snow, livestock all over the place have frozen to death, cars and trucks won't start or are skidding off the road, and various states are screaming for road salt. Governors in Tennessee, West Virginia, and Virginia have declared snow emergencies and activated what's left of their National Guards.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:45 PM

It's your fault, SRS. You pointed to the wrong truck! It wasn't the one headed down I-75 toward Knoxville. It was the one headed down I-65 toward Nashville. An easy mistake to make, but one with serious consequences, and we're not just talking about Lexington being buried under fifty feet of the magic treat that's as much fun to make as it is to eat. It means that the piano accordion is still on its way to West Palm Beach!

But, hey, there's always a silver lining. The fish have joined the dogs, cats and parakeets in the mass exodus from Florida. I'm gonna toss a couple of rods & reels into the truck and slip over to Gulf Shores, Alabama, and try my luck off the fishin' pier.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:23 PM

Does Bobert know about this? Wait, he's in West Virginia.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:21 PM

Eddore, you hit the wrong truck. I was pointing you at the UPS truck carrying that accordian, not the . . .the. . . oh my gosh. . .!!!" that was a friggin' Jiffy Pop truck. You've buried half of Kentucky under popcorn!


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