BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Jun 16 - 07:42 PM

Stunning, isn't it? And told in such a succinct and expressive manner.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Jun 16 - 09:33 PM

I am backing up my backup
To avoid a hiccough
When I upgrade to Windows 10

When I amass enough money
Fuck Bill Gates and *his* money
I'll buy a Mac and not look back

Sung to the tune of Fuck ME This Shit Pisses Me Off! by Gary and The Pissed Off Fer Fuck Sake Band, cw 2016.

Yesterday's download did not go well. But, I think I know what happened... security software clash. Three reboots with two restore recoveries. She's all good. We'll get 'er done.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jun 16 - 10:07 PM

I must tell it.

This afternoon, for over four hours, I was target shooting.

With a simple, single shot, .22 caliber rifle, at 25 meters, I shot out a 1.75 inch (4.45 cm.) bullseye. Five "ranging and windage" shots were used, as I haven't shot that rifle in over a year, but then I just decided to keep shooting until the center was all gone, which I did.

Haven't shot that well in...well, ever. It's because of that Catter-wrecked surgery I had and the lenses put in and all, because I can see better than I have since, oh, 1951 or so.

Then I took up another single shot .22 caliber rifle and shot at stuff left at the end of 100 yard range. Yes folks, I was hitting the pieces of broken clay pigeons on the backstop at 100 yards using a falling block rifle pretty much unchanged in its design since 1880. I did this for about an hour, and once I got the range I rarely missed.

A wind of about 20 mph was blowing from 6 o'clock, varying slightly, just enough to make it interesting.

I've got new eyes and things are looking good!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 12:50 AM

Your new lenses are looking good, Booquemann!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 01:36 AM

Well, that's good news. Failing eyesight is a real drag. You must be getting a whole fresh new look at the world now, Rap.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 02:12 PM

With Win10 upgrades you have to look for the very small print that gives you a link to do what you really want to do. The big obvious "click here" links are to the stuff Microsoft would prefer you do. And don't let their privacy (lack of, that is) defaults stay put.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 02:16 PM

I see...what others cannot. I see beyond the mundane, beyond the physical, beyond the spiritual. I can see and by seeing, know. I am unlimited! Boundaries that used to bind me are no more! I have burst the surly bounds of Earth and danced the skies! Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds!
I've done what you have not dreamed of -- wheeled and soared and swung
in silence, and hovering there I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung myself eagerly through footless halls of air! Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue, I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, where never lark or even eagle flew! You see, I see with eyes that know no bounds!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 05:03 PM

Shane claims to have achieved all that through excessive consumption of alcohol, combined with copious amounts of weed.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 06:29 PM

Combine alcohol and weed? Why, only an idiot would do that more than once.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 06:36 PM

Nice to see that Rap the Emperor is feeling so very much better.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jun 16 - 07:08 PM

Assuming that his eyes--unlike some we have seen through in these hallowed passages--are not imaginary.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jun 16 - 04:07 PM

Orbiting in pace with the Moon, but hidden by it from the Earth, a huge starship waited and monitored its agents on Earth.

"Sir!" the underling said, saluting with its tongue as was proper. "A coded message!" and handed it to its Commander. It left.

The Commander flicked the communication button, said something, and then waited.

Presently the door dilated and the Sub-Commander came in. "Something new, Chief?" it asked.

The Commander threw the message to it. "Read it."

The Sub-Commander did so and hissed. "That's not good. We'll have to release the human. Is it well indoctrinated now?"

"I think so. I think it will do our bidding, or at least cease spreading lies about us." The Commander smiled and the smile went nearly to its earholes. "Prepare to return it to its original location!"

Some two hours later Hector Ballsworthy, naked and chilled, was deposited on the Great Grimpen Mire. He was seen by a the leader of a group of Girl Guides who were walking the Moor and his presence called in to the police. About a hour later he was taken up and, after various checks were made, released with a pair of borrowed pants, a pair of borrowed shoes and stockings, and a borrowed shirt. There was a present of £25 pounds, which was the cost of a train ticket home, from Her Majesty's government

As the train pulled him homewards, Ballsworthy reflected upon his adventure. He had been...somewhere...and had been treated well. Exactly what had happened he did not know, but he did know that lizardmen could in no way be as threatening as he once thought them to be. And that utter nonsense he'd been writing! He was ashamed, and vowed silently to change his ways.

(More? Okay.)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jun 16 - 09:44 PM

No one but me...poor Mom.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jun 16 - 10:04 PM

Bravo on the deft salvage of poor Ballsworthy AND reforming him in the same stroke. Masterful!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jun 16 - 09:56 AM

Chonga knocked diffidently on the heavy oaken door. A muffled voice from inside said, "Enter, please."

The door, which would have done justice to a castle in a horror movie, opened easily on well-oiled hinges. Chonga (formerly known as Chongo) entered and stood before the not-overly-large desk behind which her twin sister sat.

"Chonga, I've called you in to tell you that you've been promoted. We've noticed your work (there was enough Chongo left to be dismayed by the nature of her "work") and it's gone very well. You put yourself into your work. I won't ask if you like it; that's a stupid thing to ask anyone in our line of work! Dirty, stinking, customers, drunken louts....

"But anyway, here's the offer: I'd like you to start a group of our 'franchises'. You'll be in charge -- you'll be supplied with plenty of money, the names of officials who will need to come around to thinking our way, and of course all the help you need from Headquarters here.

"Even if you fail (and I don't think you will) you'll still be my sister and I'll find something else for you here at Headquarters. Do you want to give it a try?"

"Where?" queried Chonga, interested in spite of herself.

"The towns and cities of Dutch Harbor, Dead Horse, Kotzebue, Homer, and Naknek to start. Working in from around the edges, you know, as we have found that to be the most efficient and profitable."

"Where are these towns?" Chonga asked, curious. She'd never heard of any of them.

"Alaska. Now don't get upset! We haven't been able to get much of a foothold there because it's so big and because of our company policy about firearms. You know about firearms and can deal with that aspect of it without getting your panties in a bunch, unlike Marsie, who last tried. You can talk with her, in fact I highly recommend it. Oh! You'll have the pick of the girls, worldwide pick, two planes and pilots, a townhouse/headquarters in Anchorage, the best in warm clothing (I can read your mind about the cold!), two cars -- one for off-road, pretty much anything you want. But get the job done! I know you can do it!"

Chonga stood amazed. Three months on the job and she was being asked to open up a brand new territory! She gulped and answered, "I'll give it a try, and I'll succeed. Thank you, dear sister."

Chinga made a dismissive gesture and Chonga left. You could hear her mental gears meshing. Demographics, average disposable income for each place, who in the government would be most approachable....

Her revery was broken by Chinga's secretary, Miss Poundsense. "Miss Chonga? Miss Chinga said to give you this. It's a breakdown by city of the places you discussed with her just now. You can see anyone in the organization at any time. And Miss Chinga approved a visit to Sergeant Tollbooth for you -- she said not to go overboard, no full auto yet, but she suggests a .300 WM as a minimum long gun and a simple .45 as your handgun." Miss Poundsense dimpled as she smiled and said, "Miss, I think you'll appreciate our armory and armorer!" And turned and walked back to her desk.

Chonga stood, amazed. She could build whatever and however she thought best. No micromanaging boss, but Chinga would probably come around to inspect things now and then. And she had her choice in a library of guns that was rumored to rival that of the Tower of London, but much, much newer.

She signed, and her mind reeling with figures and questions, left for her assignment.



(Yes, the denouement continues!)

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jun 16 - 10:09 PM

It's okay, Mom. I still care.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jun 16 - 01:04 AM

Self-serving narcissism will get you anything, Rapp. At leasty short-term.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Jun 16 - 08:38 PM

Gosh, the weather has been so great here today. Really nice. All in all, a lovely day to sit outside, play the guitar for a bit, and work on a new cover tune.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 16 - 09:54 PM

It's 76F here in Missoula. Blue sky, some snow still waaaay up in the hills.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Jun 16 - 01:42 PM

Oh, THAT's creative. Write a post about the weather! Why didn't anyone else think of that?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Jun 16 - 02:23 PM

I am eating a hot dog and washing it down with a beer in air conditioned comfort. Creative enough?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jun 16 - 07:17 PM

It's easy to be creative. All you have to do is lie. And if you can't think up a good lie, tell the truth and say it's a lie. That fulfills the necessary falsehood requirement.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 16 - 08:40 PM

The sky, a blue such as lapis lazuli never knew, arches over in what seems to be an infinite reach. Each cloud a bit of white cotton candy floats as if it were torn by the breeze from a child's treat,
in a mild warmth such as San Diego desires but rarely achieves.

There!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 16 - 11:45 PM

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Jun 16 - 11:57 PM

Kind of odd that we had the exact same weather here on the Coast. Go figger.

I am moved to ask Mister BWL when the last time was he had to throw up his funnel cake?

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 02:52 AM

Hey, MOM, glad to see the kids are keeping you on the porch and not dipping below the line. Sorry you were so bored watching me can tomatoes tonight- but I'm glad you and the wine bottle were able to keep each other company and have such a lively conversation between the two of you.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 09:10 AM

I have never thrown up a funnel cake. In fact, I have never eaten a funnel cake. I do make my living selling my wares at festivals where funnel cakes are often one of the many indigestibles hawked by food vendors, so I have witnessed people eating funnel cakes. Those people scare me. I would not want to be one of them. They watch reality TV programs and have Donald Trump campaign signs in their front yards. Some of them still have McCain/Palin bumper stickers from 2008 on their pickup trucks. I figure that simply breathing the air near a funnel cake vendor's trailer will result in a net loss of IQ points, so I'm damned sure not eating the things. At this point, I need all of the few brain cells I have left.

In fact, I avoid most of the "food" sold at festivals. I have a theory that much of it is nothing but funnel cakes in disguise. The noodles in that "lo mein"? Funnel cake dough. The stuff on the outside of corn dogs and "blooming onions"? Funnel cake dough. The only festival food item I'm relatively sure is not made of funnel cake dough is the smoked turkey legs, though I'm far from certain they're actually made of turkey.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 09:59 AM

Bee-Dub, most people don't know that cotton candy not only contains absolutely no funnel cake but that it contains everything necessary to support a healthy and long life. Just don't eat the cone it comes on as that contains nanopiscacides.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 10:27 AM

The Poop-Flingers Ball

Two baboons from old Senegal
A gorilla, a chimp, and an orangutan all
Met up together at the old town hall
For the forty-fifth annual Poop-Flingers Ball

Now, the reason they met at the Poop-Flingers Ball
Was to fling their poop against the wall
To see whose poop would stick the best
And whose just wouldn't pass the test

Well, the first to fling was those two baboons
They'd trained by eating lots of prunes
But it made their poop so thin and runny
It would not stick for love or money

The next one up was that old gorilla
He'd eaten bananas, his poop was yellow
He flung a turd at the bathroom door
But it fell right down upon the floor

And then came the orangutan
He flung his poop at the ceiling fan
Which slung it out to all four walls
But it ran right off and didn't stick at all

The last to fling was the chimpanzee
And his poop stuck! it would not come free!
And the reason why, I'll tell you true
Is he'd mixed his poop with super glue

When the other apes learned the chimp had cheated
They grew irate, their tempers heated
And they began to scream and bellow
And fling their poop at that cheating fellow

They were so angry and so sore
They chased him out the kitchen door
Hollering, "Go away and don't come back!
You are no longer welcome, Jack!"

So, the moral of this painful story
This shameful, sordid allegory
Is "Do not cheat, always be true,
And don't mix your poop with super glue."

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 05:51 PM

That was super-dooper-pooper!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 07:50 PM

It seems to me that a funnel is a very poor place for a cake, therefore funnel cake is a bad idea. Too much smoke in funnels. And the cake would get all dried out too.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 09:08 PM

Well, that sure beats all. What a dramatic tale, Mister L!

As for funnel cake, I apologize, I thought you hadf eaten some and thrown it up. Funnel cake is the favorite food of the arthropod Atrax robustus, a venomous mygalomorph spider native to eastern Australia. The reason it is so detested by Australians is that it deprives their children of bloat and self-indulgent pleasure by eating, or spoiling through defecation, all their funnel-cake.

Nanopiscacides, as Rapparee pretends to know, as he does so much!, are tiny, tiny fish who kill themselves off by climbing urine streams and trying to follow them to their source. They fail so often that they are an endangered species.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 16 - 11:06 PM

Amos, I fear you are confusing nanopiscacides with helminth infections such as schistosomiasis. With your wealth of experience in all corners of the globe I'd think you'd know the difference.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jun 16 - 02:11 AM

Oh, you don't like my definition? Give us a reference then!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jun 16 - 12:21 PM

Oh, fer...! A nanopiscacide is, obvious to anyone even halfway understanding the language of science, is a killer of eensy-weensy-tiny fish. A baleen whale is a nanopiscacide, for example.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Jun 16 - 01:11 PM

Bullshit! "Nanopiscacide!" is what the inhabitants of the planet Threlmkon say when another Threlmkonian sneezes. Well, it's not exactly sneezing as we know it, being that Threlmkonians have no mouths, noses, or respiratory tracts in general. It's more of a rapid and surprising lurch in the space-time continuum. But "Nanopiscacide!" is definitely what they say, though they don't actually say it since, as previously explained, they lack the organs necessary to say anything. They sort of mentally burp it out into a shared communal consciousness. Since said consciousness is communal, there are apt to be billions of Threlmkonians saying "Nanopiscacide!" at any given moment, which pretty much drowns out anything else being said, thus effectively making "Nanopiscacide!" the only word in the Threlmkonian vocabulary. This is good news for humans since Threlmkonians are very unfriendly and, if they didn't spend all their time saying "Nanopiscacide!", they would probably invade Earth and destroy it using some sort of super weapon which, fortunately, they haven't had time to invent since they spend all their time saying "Nanopiscacide!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 24 Jun 16 - 03:35 PM

Well, MOM;

My NYS retirement system paperwork is in; my SS paperwork is in; and in 90 days or so I will be retired...

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jun 16 - 11:22 PM

And now the wait to see if the State of New York has enough money to actually fund your retirement pension and if you will actually get something from Social Security. And you'll get the joy of figuring out Medicare supplement policies and Part D drub plans and....

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jun 16 - 02:44 AM

Oh, the coming woe of the Golden Years! Congratulations!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Jun 16 - 09:37 AM

Nanopiscacide should not be confused with nanopiscaphilia, literally "love of little fish". Nanopiscaphiles experience sexual pleasure and arousal from having small fish nibble on their genitalia and tug on their pubic hair while skinny dipping. Nanopiscaphilia is considered a risky practice by most experts, primarily because the "nano" part is seldom guaranteed, particularly when swimming in salt water. Having a large toothy fish like a king mackerel or barracuda mistake one's engorged member for a juicy mullet can have fairly dire consequences. It's a practice best engaged in while swimming in private ponds where the type and size of fish can be somewhat controlled. However, even under the best of circumstances, there's always the chance that a pond full of harmless goldfish may also be home to the occasional snapping turtle or alligator.

The flip-side of nanopiscaphilia is, of course, nanopiscaphobia, the fear of having one's genitals munched on by little fish. It's a little known fact that nanopiscaphobia, not prudishess, is the real reason most people wear bathing suits while swimming.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Jun 16 - 12:44 PM

Oof! Heavy lifting to remove a duplicate post, but we want the thread post count to be come by honestly!

No foolin' with funnel cakes here, our main diet is BLT sandwiches. With homemade bread and homegrown tomatoes. Ambrosia!

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Jun 16 - 11:24 AM

It appears that the funnel cake is on the cusp of becoming a meme, a trope, a quantum of BS here on the MOAB. Who could have imagined that a lowly mass of squiggly fried dough with powdered sugar on top would achieve such exalted status? Let it be a lesson to unhealthy confections everywhere. Yes, deep-fried Snickers bar, you too can achieve a level of dubious esteem among a handful of bored idiots with nothing better to do than make up stupid shit like this message.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 Jun 16 - 12:13 PM

But, but, stupid shit is a part of bullshit, surely? I know, I know... don't call me Shirley. But, I quip. You quip. We all quip as we are equipped to quip. Some are quippier than others but to truly enjoy bullshit of the highest calibre, one must have something to compare it to. At least, that is my preposition.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Jun 16 - 02:46 PM

Just remember--one man's stupid shit is another man's funnel cake.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Jun 16 - 03:19 PM

This puts me in mind of the spa treatment somewhere in the Orient. Feet cleaning is done by sitting on the edge of a pool. In the pool, with your feet, are these lovely little fish who discriminate neatly between dead skin and live tissue: they prefer the dead stuff. People who have walked away after a complete session sitting with their feet in the pool, say that their feet were smoother and cleaner than they had been in many a year, and that the fish did no more than tickle as they cheerfully feasted on callouses and layers of dead skin.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Jun 16 - 05:48 PM

Gargoyle is in fine form upstairs ("what's wrong with Mudcat"). Of all the people to be persona non grata in the BS section, too bad.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Jun 16 - 06:44 PM

What is all this about Max just getting married??

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jun 16 - 05:47 PM

I believe he formalized a long-standing monogamous relationship by the usual rituals of solemnization, forsooth.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 27 Jun 16 - 07:09 PM

Yeah... he got hitched. Pics on Facebook.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Jun 16 - 07:48 PM

A couple of folks taking a swing at MOM in the most recent 'broken mudcat' thread - suggesting that this thread is the reason everything loads slowly. So all of you - no more loading all 54000+ posts at once, hear me?

Out of curiosity, I searched on the longest thread on the Internet and someone commented about a 14,000 post thread. Hummppfff. That's child's play!