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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 05 Jun 13 - 05:13 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 05 Jun 13 - 04:10 PM
Rapparee 05 Jun 13 - 01:51 PM
gnu 05 Jun 13 - 11:42 AM
Rapparee 05 Jun 13 - 11:23 AM
gnu 04 Jun 13 - 11:40 PM
Rapparee 04 Jun 13 - 08:28 PM
Acme 04 Jun 13 - 02:09 PM
gnu 04 Jun 13 - 10:23 AM
Rapparee 04 Jun 13 - 09:29 AM
Rapparee 03 Jun 13 - 08:53 PM
gnu 03 Jun 13 - 07:06 PM
Acme 03 Jun 13 - 05:22 PM
gnu 03 Jun 13 - 09:28 AM
Rapparee 03 Jun 13 - 09:12 AM
Rapparee 02 Jun 13 - 10:12 PM
Acme 02 Jun 13 - 09:08 PM
Rapparee 02 Jun 13 - 06:27 PM
gnu 02 Jun 13 - 03:24 PM
Little Hawk 02 Jun 13 - 12:59 PM
Rapparee 02 Jun 13 - 10:35 AM
gnu 02 Jun 13 - 07:26 AM
Amos 02 Jun 13 - 12:14 AM
Rapparee 01 Jun 13 - 11:33 PM
Rapparee 01 Jun 13 - 10:56 PM
Amos 01 Jun 13 - 07:38 PM
gnu 01 Jun 13 - 12:32 PM
Rapparee 01 Jun 13 - 12:20 PM
Acme 01 Jun 13 - 09:39 AM
gnu 01 Jun 13 - 05:26 AM
Amos 01 Jun 13 - 02:12 AM
Rapparee 31 May 13 - 10:40 PM
Rapparee 31 May 13 - 09:34 PM
Rapparee 31 May 13 - 09:21 PM
Rapparee 31 May 13 - 09:19 PM
Amos 31 May 13 - 08:01 PM
Amos 31 May 13 - 04:13 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 31 May 13 - 11:12 AM
Acme 31 May 13 - 11:10 AM
gnu 31 May 13 - 08:26 AM
Rapparee 31 May 13 - 08:06 AM
Amos 31 May 13 - 02:46 AM
Little Hawk 30 May 13 - 11:55 PM
Amos 30 May 13 - 11:24 PM
Little Hawk 30 May 13 - 10:26 PM
Rapparee 30 May 13 - 09:39 PM
Little Hawk 30 May 13 - 07:52 PM
gnu 30 May 13 - 07:47 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 May 13 - 03:39 PM
Rapparee 30 May 13 - 03:06 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 13 - 05:13 PM

Bush meat -- YUMMY!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Jun 13 - 04:10 PM

Sounds like a perfect establishment for you ta run, Rap. The way I see it, yer payin' for yer many sins, not least of which has been the slanderin' of respectable apes such as myself.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 13 - 01:51 PM

I'm going to open a pub/tavern that only sells Budweiser products. I'll call it "The Horse Urinal".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 13 - 11:42 AM

Well... I don't abuse Bud... I slug er down.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 13 - 11:23 AM

It's the result of an accumulation of dental problems.

1959: I'm riding a bicycle down the newly blacktopped street two blocks from home. In a characteristic moment of jealousy of my good looks, my youngest brother grabs the handlebars and sends me as a faceplant into the asphalt. My two front teeth hit first, breaking my fall and saving my face from disfigurement, but one breaks off at the gum line and the other has half of it cracked off. I pick them up and take them to my mother, who isn't pleased because a) company is visiting and she didn't care to have a tooth and a half-tooth given to her and, b) I was to start High School the next Tuesday (it was the Saturday before Labor Day).

1959-1968: Any number of visits to the dentist for that and other things.

1968: Army dentist pulls wrong tooth.

1969: Out of Army, VA comes through to provide partial plate and do some other things that needed doing.

and so on.

So, I'm getting all of that fixed. I'll be able to play the trumpet at least as good as Doc Watson ever did.

But lemme tell ya, the hydrocodone, like, man, it's you know, like wow...and kills the pain. You let me find you abusing it and I'll plant my size 11.5s so far up your butt you'll be able to bite my toenails. Abusing medications greatly annoys me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Jun 13 - 11:40 PM

Be da Lard Dyin Sufferin Jaysus what ere yees eatin what yees gotta have all yer teefs hammered upon? I maintain a daily regimin of saturation of the entire alimentary canal with a soulution which contans an aunteesepetic. This must be why me teefs are so admired.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jun 13 - 08:28 PM

The surgeon stuck a needle in the back of my right hand -- did a good job too, no hematoma at all! -- and that's the last I remember until they pulled me off the chair and onto the floor saying, "Get outa there! We need it for the next suck...patient."

Now I'm at home with lots of suture ends for my tongue to play with. 've got hydrocodone and T-4 to use as the anesthesia is wearing away. Three places of bone grafting (two minor, one very), one large and one small sinus lift, and six implants. Back next week for stitch removal and then four or so months until the next phase, where they send in the crowns. Then, doctor willingly, I'll fly to Abelq..Albeker...New Mexico on the 20th To fool around by myself (Pat leaves for France on the the 12th).

This sort of thing couldn't be done on Shame due to irreversible dental lues. or to Chonga because nothing can be done to cure something uglier than a home-made shit fence.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jun 13 - 02:09 PM

I was at the regular dentist yesterday. He made a point of not doing the local anesthesia injections so that a pool of liquid would form under the tissue and make me feel like I'd been socked in the jaw. I was awake, and though there seemed to be an awful lot of stuff in my mouth at some times, I survived. Are they going to knock you out? Have them do it with something other than a sock to the jaw.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Jun 13 - 10:23 AM

No worries... it'll be a gas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jun 13 - 09:29 AM

GET UP!!!

If I gotta go to the oral surgeon, EVERYBODY gotta be up and awake to offer me sympathy and soothe my fevered brow.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jun 13 - 08:53 PM

Lazarus Long and Prospero? One might be a bit too fey for the other.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jun 13 - 07:06 PM

Thanks but "Live long and prosper!"? Don't jump to conclusions or lack thereof.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Jun 13 - 05:22 PM

Now when you find all sorts of crap out in the yard you can turn the cleanup into a game, or make funny piles of stuff and jump from one to the next.

You're welcome. Live long and prosper!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jun 13 - 09:28 AM

SRS... the link. Thank you!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jun 13 - 09:12 AM

Mom! Shame on you! Down in Bottom Alley consorting with Tebow, clutter, and worse! Now you drink this mug of coffee, have some toast, and go clean up and go to bed and sleep it off! Tsk, tsk, I don't see WHY you cannot act you age and let your guttersnipes do the carousing, singing, complaining...WHERE did you get that policeman's hat?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 10:12 PM

We never got to play on a plauground, or anywhere else for that matter. We had to work, foraging for food, delivering 674 newspapers every day, collecting deposit bottles, whatever we had to do to keep the family fed and sheltered (our clothes were hand-me-down rags). When we weren't working we were in church praying. Sure, we'd see the rich kids or even the poor kids on the swings or the monkey bars or the sliding boards, but we knew that such could never be for us because every day was a struggle for simple survival. We gave every cent to Mom -- not for us bubble gum, soda or candy. No, we were lucky to find a nearly new sugar cube to share at Christmas.

And this work and religious ethic has carried into our adult life.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 09:08 PM

Hey guys, "Never Leave the Playground". Good ideas to keep some of you retired folk out of mischief! (Thanks to Dorothy Parshall in Joe's thread about Living Healthy)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 06:27 PM

More years ago than I like to remember I was an "aggressor" for a Survival, Evasion, and Escape exercise in Colorado. It was night and I caught two guys and were herding them to the "POW Camp" when they started talking about jumping me.

I had my M16A1 rifle, but we were told that there were no blanks for it yet. However...when we got to the training area, lo and behold! there was a box of blanks!!! We divided them up, we each go three. And I had one in my weapon, which was pointed upwards.

When I heard them talking about jumping me I suggested that they not do that. You see, I told them, they didn't have blanks so they issued us ball ammo.

They didn't believe me.

I triggered the blank round.

They walked quietly to the cage like good little boys.

Ah, the good old days of survival, evasion, and escape!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 03:24 PM

My old man was in the Canuck military and travelled extensively in Europe during WW2 with no passport. Well, he had a passport of sorts. When he joined again in the 50s and went off to Europe for about five years, he was well versed in subversive border crossing as he was, shall we say, a businessman as well and honed his skills using an actual passport.

If one is smuggling... er... has forgotten about something out of sight, one stops at a service station near the border and inflates the right rear tire to maximum pressure and a bit more and then loosens the valve stem just enough to create an audiable hiss. Then, the acting classes in POW Survival, Escape and Evasion are employed when informed by the dreaded Canuck Border Customs Personnel that "Buddy, yer tires got a leak." and Bob's yer uncle.

I am sure you could forget about that guy in the trunk following these simplified instructions. Just don't forget the ice and the piss bag.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 12:59 PM

This would work with Shane. Not so sure about Canada Customs, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 10:35 AM

Get out of the car a couple miles from the border, walk a couple more miles east, turn, walk four miles north, and you're in Canada. No problem, and you can tell the Canadians that you're a refugee from political oppression in your home country. Or just offer them some candy and cigarettes because foreigners go nuts to American candy and cigarettes and will do anything for them. Just give the kids candy and the adults cigs and you're good.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 07:26 AM

Passport" He just has to tell customs he forgot it and to call me. Problem solved.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 13 - 12:14 AM

I am not flying to Seattle, but to Vancouver from SLC, for reasons known only to the airline.

In other news Son won't make it as his passport wasn't delivered in time. Tant pis. We will go ahead without him. He feels bad, as well he might. If he had listened to his old Man this owuldn't have happened, and so on.

Au revoir, Mom! See ya on 6-13.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 11:33 PM

Actually, I'll take you to the Legion Hovel and they can insult you there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 10:56 PM

This software. Stilly. I use the Pro version and an Opticon OPN-2001 barcode scanner/storage device to speed things up.

Amos, if your flight to Seattle goes over Pocatello you're heading in the wrong direction. Of course, you could also be having plane trouble and in that case you'll land at the airport here -- if you do give me a call and I'll come out and insult you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 07:38 PM

Uhoh. We've got a librarian's mutual pomme-chante shaping up. Departure for Vancouver is looming--me, BBW, son, SIster In Law, Mumma in Law and Mumma's Traveling Friend. An interesting mix, I declare. I believe we shall have a Goot Time, ja?

For reasons I cannot determine the airline routs is via SLC, which means if I time my flush right I can drop in on Rapp, or at least drop off a memento.

Then, the bright lights of Vancouver, and the glistening nautical fleshpots of the Norwegian Sun! Holy Moly, I think it's gonna happen!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 12:32 PM

And the ones who don't know about the APMs usually cannot recover their balls.

Best Hran Solo Ever!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 12:20 PM

Book Collectorz 9, SRS.

My house and yard is protected by these. I put the out whenever we're gone. Oh, sure, bleeding heart liberal golfers complained at first but now they just take a penalty stroke and don't try to recover their balls from my yard.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 09:39 AM

What software are you using to catalog, Rap?

You two posting your detailed itineraries in which your houses are going to be unattended and vulnerable must be completely sure that housebreakers don't read the Mother of All BS thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 05:26 AM

I knows what necked up is.

"impeccable sense of inutility" I like that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 13 - 02:12 AM

Your industry is exceeded only by your impeccable sense of inutility, sir!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 13 - 10:40 PM

As of right now, I have cataloged 1,593 titles totaling 403,329 pages from my office books.

This is also 48048.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 13 - 09:34 PM

gnu, "necked up" is a Western term meaning that an animal (and I include Shame therein) is tied by the neck and head to post or other firm fixture. This is often done when getting a horse used to the saddle, getting medicine into a cow, and so on. One use of it can be found in Gail Gardener's classic, "The Sierry Petes (or, Tying Knots in the Devil's Tail)":

They pruned him up with a de-hornin' saw,
An' they knotted his tail fer a joke,
They then rid off and left him there,
Necked to a Black-Jack oak.


If you were thinking that it meant some sort of preemptive capital punishment, there are a plethora of other terms for that, such as "jerked to Jesus", "strung up", and "strangulated".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 13 - 09:21 PM

Amos, why don't you try the Trail of '98 out of Skagway? The walk would melt off some of those pounds you'll be putting on lounging around the cruise boat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 13 - 09:19 PM

My itinerary on the small and svelte cruise ship Grande Caribe, starting August 14:

Day 1: Warren, RI/Newport, RI
Day 2: Portsmouth, NH
Day 3: Bar Harbor, ME
Day 4: St. Andrews, NB
Day 5: St. Andrews, NB
Day 6: Eastport, ME
Day 7: Rockland, ME
Day 8: Portland, ME
Day 9: Salem, MA
Day 10: Plymouth, MA
Day 11: New Bedford, MA
Day 12: Warren, RI


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 May 13 - 08:01 PM

My itinerary on the fat and sassy cruise boat, Norwegian Sun, departing Vancouver on June 3:

6/3/2013        VANCOUVER, CANADA        DEPART        4:00 PM        
6/4/2013        CRUISE INSIDE PASSAGE        CRUISE                
6/5/2013        KETCHIKAN, ALASKA        ARRIVE-DOCK                7:00 AM
6/5/2013        KETCHIKAN, ALASKA        DEPART        4:00 PM        
6/6/2013        JUNEAU, ALASKA        ARRIVE-DOCK                10:00 AM
6/6/2013        JUNEAU, ALASKA        DEPART        8:00 PM        
6/7/2013        SKAGWAY, ALASKA        ARRIVE-DOCK                7:00 AM
6/7/2013        SKAGWAY, ALASKA        DEPART        8:00 PM        
6/8/2013        CRUISE GLACIER BAY        CRUISE                
6/9/2013        CRUISE HUBBARD GLACIER        CRUISE                
6/10/2013        WHITTIER, ALASKA        ARRIVE-DOCK                8:00 AM

This is not a really long cruise as you can see, so although I may get a tad beefy, I do not think I will get plump--well, at least not all obese. Maybe a little.

The best part will be riding around Juneau with the ineffable sprite, KT, of Mudcat and Getaway fame, a bright gem among womankind.

It will be grand, I am sure!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 May 13 - 04:13 PM

Rapp: That will do nicely!! Delicate, elegant, tactful, diplomatic, and brutally honest all in one swell foop!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 31 May 13 - 11:12 AM

Yeah, sure. While yer at it, ask the paint to come off the wall and dance a jig for us.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 May 13 - 11:10 AM

Are you going to ask MOM to write a review of your book, Amos?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 May 13 - 08:26 AM

Necked up? Ya need new glasses er sumpin? At least give the lad three steps eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 13 - 08:06 AM

Review:

"Without a doubt this is the best book of its kind I've read. Amos does a magnificent job; both the Pulitzer and Nobel Prizes hang in the balance."

There. How's that?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 May 13 - 02:46 AM

Rapp, of course you may read it if you wish. It'll be on sale soon. As to reviewing it, it would be of great interest to me to hear from a reader who was not a member of the target population set.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 May 13 - 11:55 PM

Heh! ;-D Oh, if only I had the power to do that, Amos. If only!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 13 - 11:24 PM

You're hired as my PR man, LH. GEt busy and drum up a reality matching your projections, if you please! I shall reward you well for your troubles!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 May 13 - 10:26 PM

Hey, it's the movies. Anything can happen.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 May 13 - 09:39 PM

Do I get to shoot Shame to pieces, bit by bit, over several days while he's necked up to a fencepost? Reality movie, ya know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 May 13 - 07:52 PM

Dale could probably do the part, all right. What an epic it would be.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 May 13 - 07:47 PM

What I wanna know is, who is gonna play Shane? Dale is outta work. Got fired from the Irvin fer stealin matches. Oh, the odd book a matches, fine, but packages at a time? Dale is THE guy iffin he can dumb WAY down fer the role.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 May 13 - 03:39 PM

He's already over the edge, Rap. Don't worry about it.

By the way, guys, apropos of this, I was just sayin' on the Worst movie thread...where I was speakin' OF the theoretical worst movie...

It ain't been made yet. It will be when Amos uses the money from his book sales to fund a movie starrin' him and Rapparee. It'll be a sorta remake of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but put in modern times. Amos and Rap will be a California author and a gun collectin' librarian from Pocatello who team up together to unravel a recently discovered ancient manuscript that unlocks the secrets of evolution, time travel, alien visitors to Earth, and the keys to marital harmony (regular, gay, transexual or bisexual, inter-species, etc...you name it). There will be scenes filmed in San Diego, L.A., San Francisco, New York, Paris, Singapore, Stonehenge, Timbuktu, Moscow, Osaka, the South Pole, and Schenectady...but not necessarily in that order. No animals will be harmed durin' the film. It will encompass 3 and a half hours of conversation usin' a few words you might not hear every day...words like "jejeune", "arcane", and "outre", for example. It will end up bein' a cult film shown at midnight matinees well into the 2030s, and people will come to throw thesauruses at the screen whilst sippin' Chai latte's and exclaimin' "I swan!". Amos will do the smart thing, pretend he was just playin' for laughs, cash in, and spend his golden years yachtin' around the Seven Seas, Rap will buy a combination bar and gun club in Pocatello and get gunned down in the street by an enraged husband on his 92nd birthday.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 May 13 - 03:06 PM

Shall I read it and write an actual review, Amos?

Is your heart and mind strong enough to take that? I wouldn't want to be responsible for sending you over the edge into illness, madness, or both.


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