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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 03 Jun 12 - 11:07 AM
Rapparee 03 Jun 12 - 10:48 AM
Amos 02 Jun 12 - 11:24 PM
Rapparee 02 Jun 12 - 10:48 PM
Bobert 02 Jun 12 - 07:59 PM
Rapparee 02 Jun 12 - 07:56 PM
Amos 02 Jun 12 - 07:33 PM
Amos 02 Jun 12 - 07:26 PM
Rapparee 02 Jun 12 - 05:04 PM
Acme 02 Jun 12 - 04:25 PM
Amos 02 Jun 12 - 01:40 PM
Little Hawk 02 Jun 12 - 01:23 PM
gnu 02 Jun 12 - 01:18 PM
Little Hawk 02 Jun 12 - 01:29 AM
Rapparee 01 Jun 12 - 09:31 PM
gnu 01 Jun 12 - 07:06 PM
Rapparee 01 Jun 12 - 06:41 PM
Amos 01 Jun 12 - 04:36 PM
Amos 01 Jun 12 - 03:15 PM
Amos 01 Jun 12 - 12:01 PM
Rapparee 01 Jun 12 - 08:06 AM
Amos 01 Jun 12 - 02:47 AM
Rapparee 31 May 12 - 09:23 PM
Amos 31 May 12 - 06:46 PM
Little Hawk 31 May 12 - 05:46 PM
Acme 31 May 12 - 04:36 PM
Amos 31 May 12 - 04:16 PM
Little Hawk 31 May 12 - 10:45 AM
Amos 30 May 12 - 11:11 PM
Amos 30 May 12 - 10:36 PM
Little Hawk 30 May 12 - 10:25 PM
Rapparee 30 May 12 - 09:42 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 May 12 - 06:08 PM
Rapparee 30 May 12 - 05:52 PM
Amos 30 May 12 - 05:37 PM
Little Hawk 30 May 12 - 04:15 PM
Amos 30 May 12 - 03:40 PM
Little Hawk 30 May 12 - 12:59 PM
Amos 30 May 12 - 12:32 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 May 12 - 12:24 PM
Acme 29 May 12 - 08:33 PM
Rapparee 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM
Rapparee 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM
Amos 29 May 12 - 12:43 PM
Amos 29 May 12 - 11:58 AM
Rapparee 29 May 12 - 09:48 AM
Amos 29 May 12 - 09:47 AM
Rapparee 28 May 12 - 10:13 PM
Amos 28 May 12 - 08:33 PM
Acme 28 May 12 - 05:58 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jun 12 - 11:07 AM

That was deafening applause.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jun 12 - 10:48 AM

Daffodils

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed?and gazed?but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

          --William Wordsworth


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 11:24 PM

<<<<>>>>>


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 10:48 PM

The Rhodora
On Being Asked Whence Is the Flower

In May, when sea-winds pierced our solitudes,        
I found the fresh Rhodora in the woods,        
Spreading its leafless blooms in a damp nook,        
To please the desert and the sluggish brook.        
The purple petals, fallen in the pool,                 
Made the black water with their beauty gay;        
Here might the red-bird come his plumes to cool,        
And court the flower that cheapens his array.        
Rhodora! if the sages ask thee why        
This charm is wasted on the earth and sky,        
Tell them, dear, that if eyes were made for seeing,        
Then Beauty is its own excuse for being:        
Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose!        
I never thought to ask, I never knew:        
But, in my simple ignorance, suppose        
The self-same Power that brought me there brought you.        

                   --Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 07:59 PM

Latest Vegas odds on Amos getting the Big One is now 7-2... He's gamin' ya'll...

B~


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 07:56 PM

Amos. Aaaaaaaaamos....

You are now entering Selectivegiveashitland.

Congratulations on your pending retirement.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 07:33 PM

Mom would be proud of me if your spiked lemonade hadn't already knocked her out. I washed both cars today. To make up for it I slept until noine in the morning!! Can you believe that? I am usually out of the house by five AM.

But my motivation has been less clarion, loess crystalline, less compelling of late. Perhaps I am entering that phase of life when the giving of a shit is no longer something one does.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 07:26 PM

Contract killer? So, what, you work for the DoD taking care of bad deals they've signed up for? Or do you specialize in pre-nups?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 05:04 PM

Sorry, Mom. I'm back in the saddle again. Home again, home again, jiggety-jig.

I do have a confession to make. For many, many years I have led a public and another life. In public a mild mannered librarian, my real job was contract killer. "Carlos the Jackal" -- nah! "Miguel El Lobo Loco." All over the world, and the President would disavow all knowledge, etc. My latest "job" was undertaken at the behest of the American Primate Party; I shall leave you to figure the reasons.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 04:25 PM

While you guys have been inside playing on your computers I put the fancy outdoor cushions on the wrought iron garden bench. MOM is contentedly sipping iced tea right now, but she asked Rap if you would pick up any kind of fancy high dollar beer you find there in the Windy City before you head back home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 01:40 PM

"Everyone agrees--if you get a time machine, kill Hitler."

XCD


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 01:23 PM

I think I should direct your collective attention to the Crazy Horse Carving thread...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 01:18 PM

Well, *I* thought it was pretty darn good. Thanks, Rap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jun 12 - 01:29 AM

You have no shame at all, do you? And you've tried this sort of thing before. I recall at least a couple of times when you announced the death of Shane McBride or "Shame" as you insist on calling him. Well, you're the one who has no shame. Not even a McBride's worth.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 09:31 PM

Spitzer soft point with a silver core.

Here's something to keep his passing in perspective:

Did you know????

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air    conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti - Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show
--Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max-- on the controls.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 07:06 PM

Was it a silver bullet? I hear that's the only way.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 06:41 PM

I'm in Chicago, in a cheap motel on Cicero Avenue.

My contract is fulfilled. Chongo Chimp is no more. .308, right between in the "Magic T."

Gorillas, baboons, lemurs, capuchins, rhesuses and all the rest are having a party. There's a conga line down the middle of traffic.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 04:36 PM

You put your first thought in,
You take your first thought out
You put your first thought in
And you shake it all about,
You do the BS Polka and you rattle up your mind,
It's the BS Polka Line! Hey!!

You put your next thought in,
You pull your next thought out,
You dip your thought in marzipan
And wave it all about,
You do the BS Polka 'til you're feeling purdy fine!
That's the BS Polka Line! Hey!!

Hey! Hey!!
Night and day!!
BS folks will polka time away!
Hey, hey!
All the time!
Do the BS Polka,
Pal o' mine!
In the BS POLKA LINE!!!


Marciano Liberate, King of the Polka Piano
Jones Beach, NEw York, August, 1948


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 03:15 PM

The field was cold, the day was cold,
It was cold as a witch's breast
When the Sons of Mom came trotting out
To stand their brutal test.
None knew if he would end up hurt
Or even be alive;
But pain, or death, they laughed them off.
They were bound for the Forty Five.

Their helmets rattled in the dusk,
As half-time came around,
The score just 49 and 9
On the hard autumnal ground.
And those who stood against the team
Were steely-eyed and gray.
They were bound to stop those Sons of Mom,
From going all the way.

In the azure sky a cold sun fell,
And the autumn snap was chill
And the boys was feeling a tad unsure
ANd they looked for help to Stilly.
And she just laughed and tossed her hair,
"I've got just one thing to say!
You haven't got much choice this time,
But to make the next of K!"

Now Rapparee wanted a roll-out stunt,
ANd Gnu swore he was wrong,
And Chongo said he could win the day
If you'd just let him go long.
Statue of Liberty! That's the play!
So swore the Man of Emms.
But we'd lost ten yards trying out that play,
So we wouldn't got here again!

Wal, the whistle blew and the huddle formed
--it was ours with a first and ten.
And Still spoke up again.
"If you boys want to leave this field,
both walking and alive,
You have one chance: do the BS dance,
And make that Forty Five.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 12:01 PM

44, 9 and 22
Must surely be enough for you!
Make it nine and twenty-three
If you must, Sir Rapparee.
Then, if someone adds one more
Forty-four, nine and twenty four!
If we just keep on this way
We will make the next of Kay!
But if post by post is scary,
We could try a grand Hail Mary.
That would cap this pretty song,
You go wide and I'll go long.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 08:06 AM

In a single one-word story:
Negatory! Negatory!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 12 - 02:47 AM

Fortyfour and nine and twenty.

Doncha kinda think that's plenty?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 12 - 09:23 PM

Chimp fur is best worn by chimps. Chumpgoo is an exception; on him everything looks bad.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 May 12 - 06:46 PM

I would never launch such a conflagration against Little Hawk, for what are, after all, picayune, tedious, small-minded, humdrum offenses. He deserves much less for his arrant niggling. Perhaps a couple of Diamond Kitchen Matches thrown in his general direction, no more. Or a sparkler, wrapped in chimpanzee fur for olfactory effect.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 May 12 - 05:46 PM

I was thinking the same thing, Stilly. Yup, that would probably do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 May 12 - 04:36 PM

It was an HBO nitwit who took a book and made that series, a classic "chic flick" subject matter that has its funny moments but that got old after a while.

LH, Amos, I think Rapparee would be satisfied that this would take care of all current and future animus.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 May 12 - 04:16 PM

Maybe it's called "Sex and the City", I dunno, but I am sure seeing all episodes in reverse order would torture you beyond repair, so I cancel my decree. Just don't go conflating the Williams again.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 May 12 - 10:45 AM

"Sex in the City"??? I've never seen even one episode of that show. I shudder at the thought of viewing several entire seasons! Horrifying!

I can only assume that it must have been a pretty lousy show with a name like that, but whatever Hollywood nitwit came up with the name, I bet he thought he was pretty clever. "This'll pull in the viewers, Al...Sex in the City...it's a guaranteed prime time success. Funny that no one else thought of doing it yet."

And it worked brilliantly, didn't it? I'm betting that they had a cast of 20-something bright-faced kids who had office jobs and lived in upscale apartments in New York or L.A., dressed in the latest cool styles, dated each other, and.....yawn....

Sorry. I'm just getting too bored with the whole concept to elaborate any further on it.

Rap, what do you do when you're not trying to provoke duels between your online buddies? ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 12 - 11:11 PM

Tea stronger than a Munich beer.
In the room the air is hazy.
In the hearth a flamelet lazy
gleams, like a butterfly on boulders.
I've overstayed ? it's time to go now ?
I rise; a nod, and then another,
I say good-bye without hand-thrusting,
For so demands the local custom;
I hurry down a step, and out
into a February day.
Out of the heavens, without a lull,
descends a ceaseless, two-week flow.
Isn't it true how very dull
an ancient student town can grow?


Nabokov, 1926


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 12 - 10:36 PM

ANd for you, sirrah, a forced viewing of "Sex in the City" all seasons, in reverse order. With your hands tied to your ankles!! :D

Rapparree, your deft manipulations will not avail. I would no sooner slit yon Hawkster from guggle to zatch than marry his brutish younger sister. Forswear, go to, seek not to rile the tempers of your sibs in Mom's hall. We will have none of it.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 May 12 - 10:25 PM

Hmm. Well, I'll have to give this some considerable thought. It is not enough merely to destroy Amos for what he has done. He must be destroyed utterly and completely leaving no genetic traces, so that he can never again rise to offend apes and monkeys and disavow the greatness of Shatner.

How is it to be done?

Guns? Swords? Bombs? Drawing and quartering? Running him over with a road grader? Feeding him through a circular saw in the traditional "Perils of Pauline" fashion? Tie him on the railroad tracks? Drop him out of a high window? Poison, perhaps? Or a dart from a pigmy blowgun? A small, localized tactical nuclear strike? Arrows? Spears? Forced eating of anchovies? Forced viewings of the last 4 seasons of "Three's Company". Then there's garroting and smothering with feather pillows. And drowning. Or We could toss him in a pit of vipers. Oh, and there's burning, of course! Or perhaps...the pit and the pendulum!!!

One way may not be enough. It may be necessary to destroy Amos in almost every way possible to get him to stop his nefarious postings.

As I say, I'll need some time to settle on the best method. I intend to consult some professional experts before making my final decision.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 May 12 - 09:42 PM

Alright, enough! Chongo, this is a discussion between humans, not dumb brute animals...butt out.

LH, Amos -- what is your preference? Swords are the default unless one of you declares that he is no swordsman.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 May 12 - 06:08 PM

You got a lotta nerve! I was not livin' in "misery" when I was little, Amos! I was havin' a great time out there in the jungle, playin' and discoverin' new things all the time. Sure, there were moments of danger and tragic incidents now and then, that happens in the jungle, but all in all I was havin' a good time most of the time. I bet my childhood years were more fun than yers.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 May 12 - 05:52 PM

Gentlemen, gentlemen! Either shake hands and apologize or take it into the alley out back.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 12 - 05:37 PM

Ok, ok! I am sorry that Chongo is so interested in smearing interesting things with fecal matter. I take full responsibility for my part in it, including not putting him out of his misery when he was too young to cause any damage.

I might add, however, that you are hardly an exemplar of respectful conduct yourself, you addle-pated scamp; the insult you have levied on the person of our great extraterrestrial writer, Mr Shakespeare, by impugning his reincarnations with the person of the swollen has-been.wanna-be Bill What's His Name, is beyond the pale of civilized behavior.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 May 12 - 04:15 PM

I find your lack of respect for myself and Chongo disturbing, Amos. In Chongo's case, it verges on outright specism of the rankest sort. I don't care that much what you think about me, but I am not going to stand silent when you impugn the character of a respectable ape and a public candidate for president. Are you sure you want people to be aware that you are carrying such a heinous level of prejudice in your heart? Do you realize it could result in you being forever stigmatized in the public mind and the mass media as...a specist? And can you see how that could affect your future in terms of employment, the respect of your neighbours and peers, and your public reputation? Can you see how President Obama might wish to distance himself from you and disavow your support for him under these circumstances?

Were you, however, to issue a retraction and a full public apology to Chongo for those unfortunate remarks you made about him, then I think we could put this unpleasant chapter behind us, forgive and forget, and move on to more productive things.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 12 - 03:40 PM

You and Chongo do have something in common, then, LH!! You both like to smear interesting things with fecal matter.

I am sure this discovery will make Chongo very happy.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 May 12 - 12:59 PM

William Shakespeare was an earlier incarnation of William Shatner. This is well known in most occult circles, and it helps to explain Shatner's extraordinary grasp of Shakespearian acting techniques as well as his general gift for dramatic exposition. The present incarnation of the Shatner oversoul has taken on even greater challenges than the famous playwright did, boldly going where none had gone before. What amazing things will he do next?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 12 - 12:32 PM

WIlliam Shakespeare was an extraterrestrial, of that there is no question. No mortal man of woman born, raised in the midden of human noise and sodden emotional vulcanism, could have done what he did. Consider his real estate prowess, let alone his poetry. Oh, and his plays, also.

No, he was not from here; but the interesting question is how he arrived.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 May 12 - 12:24 PM

44,902!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ook! Ook!

I got this one and you didn't. And that's not all. I got this one because I have personally downed 44,902 shots of whiskey since this time last year. Or was it the year before? Well, who's countin'?   

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 May 12 - 08:33 PM

Only 99 to go until a RATHER LARGE NUMBER.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM

here's another donation to PETBEN.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM

Alright, dearest Mom


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 May 12 - 12:43 PM

IT's only three more yards, my friends,
To 44 and nine.
And if we play the defense right
The next K close behind.

If we can get a first and ten
By running past their end
Why yard, by yard, we'll get there, pard
That Big K at the end.

So hunker down and dig the play
And how we plan the ride.
And don't be fouling the defense team,
Or jumping in off-sides.

The forces ranged against us, pals
Are no ordinary foes.
They'll stomp and block and head you off
Whichever way you go.

They're fast and big, you can't deny
And solid as the night
And they'll do anything they can
To block the BS light.

They do not care for wit, aplomb
And cultural ideas,
They hate the very thought of Mom,
THey'd like to see her freeze.

They're serious and hard, these guys
With tough and gloomy souls
They hate to see the BS light
Come winking through the holes.

But holes they have! Their defense line
Is riddled with their flaws
And that means Mom can grab a win
From failure's sodden jaws!

And when the long pass is complete,
And the yards have all been run,
The crowds will shout and hail Our Mom,
When the next of Kay is done.

So Rapp go wide and Hawk stay tight
And Gnu, go out a way.
And Stilly snap her back on ten;
We're bound for the next of Kay!

Coach WInkleman Radislov
Faculty Emeritus
School of High BS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 May 12 - 11:58 AM

Well, it was a heroic notion indeed.

But self-acknowledged, heroic BS--the kind that Mom loves dearly -- is only the best of breed, so to speak.

Mongrel BS still permeates the echoing high halls of The Forum. Half-blood, addlepated, dewlapped and cross-eyed, BS of every stamp and kind, tatterdemalion and nitwitted, ragtag BS with no glory in it.

Still, we must carry our BS cross...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 May 12 - 09:48 AM

That's what Khandu (God Save The King!) has tried to do here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 May 12 - 09:47 AM

I've always wondered if it were possible to train BS to all show up in one place in the yar5d; but it tends to be upiquitous in its generation.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 12 - 10:13 PM

It is possible to train them to poop in one place in the yard.

I've always thought my neighbor's yard was the place for this.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 May 12 - 08:33 PM

That's the big problem, the deal-killer with dogs. I don't mind that they shit, everyone does. But dogs get ideas. I dunno if I could handle that.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 May 12 - 05:58 PM

MOM, you're perilously close to the bottom this afternoon. Come on over to the shady spot in the yard to sip tea and watch the dogs. You can tell Amos about how pleasant it is to live with several dogs (you need more than one so they have companionship). You don't need to mention that this morning as I finished scooping poop through the yard I found that in the last five minutes of my work all three dogs made more deposits I had to go back for. I guess I gave them the idea.


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