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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Little Hawk 16 Jun 16 - 06:31 PM
Little Hawk 16 Jun 16 - 06:28 PM
Rapparee 16 Jun 16 - 02:26 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Jun 16 - 11:51 AM
Rapparee 16 Jun 16 - 10:22 AM
Little Hawk 16 Jun 16 - 09:28 AM
Amos 16 Jun 16 - 01:58 AM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 10:48 PM
Rapparee 15 Jun 16 - 10:32 PM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 10:10 PM
Rapparee 15 Jun 16 - 09:14 PM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 09:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Jun 16 - 07:44 PM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 05:47 PM
Amos 15 Jun 16 - 02:20 PM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 12:23 PM
Rapparee 15 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 16 - 12:16 AM
Rapparee 14 Jun 16 - 11:08 PM
Acme 14 Jun 16 - 10:44 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 14 Jun 16 - 10:37 PM
Amos 14 Jun 16 - 06:04 PM
Little Hawk 14 Jun 16 - 01:00 PM
Little Hawk 14 Jun 16 - 12:52 PM
gnu 14 Jun 16 - 10:07 AM
Rapparee 14 Jun 16 - 09:37 AM
Rapparee 13 Jun 16 - 10:38 PM
Rapparee 13 Jun 16 - 10:33 PM
Little Hawk 13 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM
Rapparee 13 Jun 16 - 08:47 AM
Little Hawk 12 Jun 16 - 10:01 PM
Rapparee 12 Jun 16 - 09:57 PM
Little Hawk 12 Jun 16 - 03:00 PM
Acme 12 Jun 16 - 01:09 PM
Rapparee 12 Jun 16 - 10:04 AM
Rapparee 12 Jun 16 - 09:48 AM
Little Hawk 12 Jun 16 - 12:55 AM
Rapparee 11 Jun 16 - 10:02 AM
Rapparee 11 Jun 16 - 09:33 AM
Rapparee 11 Jun 16 - 09:32 AM
Little Hawk 11 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM
Rapparee 10 Jun 16 - 10:35 PM
Little Hawk 10 Jun 16 - 12:59 PM
Rapparee 10 Jun 16 - 11:51 AM
Little Hawk 10 Jun 16 - 11:45 AM
Rapparee 10 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 16 - 10:20 PM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 16 - 07:35 PM
Rapparee 09 Jun 16 - 09:57 AM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 16 - 03:03 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jun 16 - 06:31 PM

It did. Just as I suspected...this site doesn't work when you actually WANT it to, but sometimes it does when you don't particularly care. Kind of like the American political system.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jun 16 - 06:28 PM

It is either the Yamato or the Musashi. Have seen this photo already many times, but not usually in color, so it must have been colorised. The stern is not damaged, it simply looks odd because of several ships boats in the water next to it and various other objects on the deck area at the back, which is one level lower than the main deck. The large pale areas are tarps put out for shade from the hot sun....those decks would have been hot as hell when anchored on a sunny day.

Hmm.

Wrong comment!

I did write a lengthy and supremely brilliant comment that actually had to do with this thread....I wrote it hours ago...and I tried to submit it over and over again...at least 10 times...by copying and pasting it..by reloading this F-ing page and pasting it yet again! And so on...and on...and on...

It never went through.

I am now trying again, but I find something else entirely in my buffer or whatever it is, so the original thing I wrote has been lost for all time and has been replaced by something I said more recently about the battleship Yamato on Facebook.

Mudcat, go screw yourself.

And you who are too special to read all this fooferaw, go screw yourselves too.


Now, let's see if THAT gets through.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jun 16 - 02:26 PM

I'm not reading that crap either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Jun 16 - 11:51 AM

I'm still not reading Rap's tale, but I am reading the intervening comments by Little Hawk and Amos. Watching them pretend to get their panties in a wad is somewhat amusing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jun 16 - 10:22 AM

Penelope and a contrite -- truly contrite! -- Veronica waited in the VIP Lounge at O'Hare. A rather high-ranking member of the British Consulate in Chicago waited with them.

Veronica, her once mid-back length locks now much shortened and styled, was wearing a dress suitable for visiting the Queen. She was reticent, having been diagnosed the day before with a "social disease" picked up during her recent adventures; fortunately it was curable by a course of heavy-duty antibiotics.

The Counsel-General spoke. "Lady Rutledge, you will be taken onto the aeroplane without problems -- I personally assure that. Miss Veronica will also have no questions asked of her. Upon landing at Gatwick you and your niece will be escorted through Customs and a car will be waiting to take you home." He smiled. "Consider this a gift from Her Majesty, and please remember me to her when you can."

Two airport policemen entered and approached the trio. One spoke. "Pardon me, but are you Penelope Rutledge?"

"Yes, I am, officer."

"You dropped your passport."

Penelope was startled. She took the gold and burgundy booklet, flipped through it to assure herself it was indeed hers, and thanked the officer. She offered a reward but it was refused with a "Just our duty, Ma'am." The officers left.

"Oh my," said Penelope. "It must have fallen from my pocket."

"Or was taken, and the thief taken. I'll be certain to follow through on this. In the meantime, I see that the Captain is here. Shall I help you with your baggage and see you to your seats?"

"Yes, thank you," replied Penelope.

The entourage bypassed the boarding Gate, of course, and when they were settled into their First Class/VIP seats and thank-yous and goodbyes had been said, Veronica spoke.

"Aunt Penelope, I've been a fool. A fool with this latest and I've fooled away much of my life. I've been a selfish, self-centereed, brat. I've been a taker and I am now determined to change. I've toyed with the idea, and I am determined to convert to Roman Catholicism and become a nun."

"WHAT??!!" asked Penelope, louder than she had intended.

"Yes. I want to enter an order which works with the very poor and ill. I feel that I must make up for my past. And Auntie -- I'm very serious about this. It isn't a whim."

"Very well, if you are certain. I have friends in Vatican City and...."

"No, Aunt Penelope. I must do this on my own. I only ask your blessing on this new life I am determined to enter."

"Very well. We're taxiing, so right now let's sit back and enjoy the ride home."

****************
(A cloister nun? Veronica? Yes! Sister Mary Veronica of the Tears of the Repentant Magdalen now resides in a convent in the Pyrenees. Most of her day is spent in prayer and reflection in the Chapel. Her aunt was amazed, to say the least.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jun 16 - 09:28 AM

Nor do my characters need your unfounded boasting about your fictional conquests. You're behaving like some kid in high school who goes around telling all his buddies that he laid the girl on the cheerleading squad when she actually can't stand him and he never even got to kiss her. For shame, sir! Fie!

(Amazing how we spend our time here, isn't it? :D )


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jun 16 - 01:58 AM

Your delusions about Penelope's selectiveness is amusing, but nonetheless. Seems you didn't read my post earlier about our little pillow-talk thing. Never mind. My fond and overheated memories do not need your approval. Nohow.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 10:48 PM

Renata has not been scorned. Not in 2018, and not now either. You, sir, are experiencing hallucinations, possibly due to over-medication with some kind of intoxicants. I recommend drinking several glasses of water and getting some rest.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 10:32 PM

I know quite a few women lawyers who say, "Ain't." Some of them are rather well known in their respective fields. Of course, in court or classroom they ain't sayin' ain't.

A woman scorned can change, change utterly, and a terrible beauty is born. Remember too, this is what happened in 2018, not 2016. The happenings of 2016 are still to come; 2018 has happened.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 10:10 PM

You've definitely got Renata confused with someone else, maybe a family member or maybe some nasty skank you dated back in your military days...anyway that's not Renata. She's a well educated lawyer, and she doesn't talk like a gangster moll. What I mean is, she doesn't say "ain't".

However, I'm glad you've found something to occupy your mind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 09:14 PM

"Renata? What does my ass and my head hurt?"

"Tranquilizer dart, lover boy. Slim Thing wanted you alive for some reason. Oh! I remember now! He wants to know where the broads are stashed. Seems like you offended him, shooting a couple of his goons and running off with one of his stable," explained Renata.

"Drugged. Yeah, that would explain it. I thought I had a hangover and fell down," said Chongx.

"Like usual. Only this time I'm not going to feed you Bloody Marys to help you get over it. I told you what would happen if I caught you fooling around on the side again."

"But I haven't! I mean, she's a client! There's the ten grand she paid me in my pants pocket! Check!"

He felt her hand searching his pocket in that old familiar way. She clenched her fist and withdrew her hand.

"Why looky here! There must be seven or eight grand here! I think I just won the prize!" And she took her purse off the table and put the bills in it.

Chongx was stressed even more when he saw her withdraw a hypodermic kit. He asked, "You ain't mainlinin' again are you? I thought you...."

"Shaddap!" said Renata. "No, this ain't for me, lover boy. It's for you." And she started tapping the end of the needle on the brick wall. "In a Chicago sub-basement, you know nobody can hear you scream."

There is a myth in the military of "the dull, square needle in the left nut." It's not true; the military hasn't been able to get any square needles for years, much less blunt ones. But the thought crossed Chongx's mind as he lay there, chained down, watching his former...friend....

The door opened with a jolt and an older man of medium height, wearing a bright green zoot suit and a white Panama hat entered. Chongx noted that it was a real zoot suit and newly tailored. The visitor put his hand on Renata possessively and said, "Renata. Ixnay the eedlenay. We will try other ways, but thank you. You have been a wonderful help in all of this. Now be a good girl and go upstairs and entertain yourself."

She left and the man said, "Chong' ol' boy, I don't believe we've met. I'm Slim Thing. Not my real name, of course, but what that is doesn't matter. But one of my bims is gone and you had something to do with it. I'd like her back, but not very much; she wasn't bringing it in like she should so she was a flop. I'll let her go. But I don't like rubes like you screwing up my racket. No, I don't like that at all.

"Can I go to the can?" asked Chongx.

"No. You're going to lay there for a while. The boys will feed you and water you -- a baby bottle for safety and baby food. But as for getting up and running around, no. We'll hose off the slab you're laying on now and then, though."

"Bast..." said Chongx through clenched teeth.

Slim Thing slapped him and said, "We don't use such language here. I try to run a high-class speak."

He left. Chongx sighed and accepted the situation. There was nothing else he could do for the moment, and in a few more minutes he was much more comfortable.

(Whatever will happen next? Remember, this happened in 2018.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 09:02 PM

Ha! Ha! That does sound like an activity not worth the bother, Bee-dub.

Okay, we get it. You're above all this fooferaw. Fine. Be off with you, then.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 07:44 PM

I am not reading Rap's tale. Rap pretending to be Little Hawk pretending to be an ape or a dissolute aristocrat is a step too far removed from reality to suit my taste. It's like lining up two really distorted fun house mirrors so each reflects the other, standing between them, and trying not to throw up your funnel cake.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 05:47 PM

Chongo has always regarded you as offensive too, Amos, but not in regards to your personal style or comportment or anything like that. Rather, in regards to your obvious specism, your hatred of apes and monkeys, and it is that unfortunate aspect of your otherwise fine character that will probably result in you being placed on the "special list" of individuals to be dealt with by the Primate Justice Department (PJD) following Chongo's inauguration next January. Rap, of course, has been on that list for years, and will be the first to be arrested.

I know how much you lust after Penelope, Amos, and I do sympathize, but you are not the first to have met complete frustration along that line of fantasy. No, they number in the thousands. So get back near the end of the line, my good man, and be prepared to wait, probably until Hell freezes over, Donald Trump becomes humble, and Hillary Clinton grows a heart...meaning....never.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 02:20 PM

Well, I am. And I gae a great gurgle of delight to read of Chongo finally catching some of his due in the form of that high-powered rifle bullet. Really, he is a very offensive little brute, according to Penelope herself, who shared this opinion with me during a session of pillow-talk just down the hall from where Veronica was sleeping it off. She showed up wearing one of those fluffy white bathrobes the Omni provides, but decided it was too warm.

Just so ya know, man...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 12:23 PM

Oh, for heaven's sake...

I am reminded of the scene in the Woody Allen film where he is standing in the movie lineup with Dianne Keaton and he gets in an argument with the blabbering, pretentious fool standing behind them who claims he knows all about Marshall McLuhan because he teaches a University course on McLuhan....and Woody Allen says, "It so happens I have Marshall McLuhan right here."

Rap, it so happens I have Renata and Chongo right here, and you know what Renata says?

This: "You know nothing of Little Hawk's characters! Your attempts to depict them in dramatic prose fall way wide of the mark, and make me wonder how you could ever imagine yourself to be capable of writing about them at all? And you say you were a librarian? No wonder the nation's libraries are falling into disuse! But, by all means, continue acquainting us with the dark visions that haunt your addled little mind. I'm sure it will be quite useful research material for Herr Liebenscheiss when he takes on the job of giving you some sorely needed psychoanalysis."

And what does Chongo say?

This: "He's a hopeless bozo. Don't pay no mind to his silly ramblin's 'cause they don't add up to a flyspeck on a shithouse wall."

(I was wondering, though, when you would bring "Renata" properly into the story. Your version of her, I mean... And who is Slim Thing based on? Your first wife?)

And is anyone except me reading your tale?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM

My killin's aren't arbitrary. Anyone I kill needs killin'.

Now, "Bad Penny Rutledge" kills for the pleasure of seeing those she considers her adversaries dead. Only a psychopath or sociopath or a psychotic sociopath kills for pleasure.

But let us rejoin Chongx on the rooftops as he shows up in the crosshairs of a rifle sight.

The gunman squeeeezed the trigger and Chongx fell, fortunately onto the roof. His last thoughts were that he was glad that the two chickadees had managed to fly away without being glommed on.

He slowly, slowly, awakened, somehow aware of pain in his hip and that his wrists and legs were manacled or something. Somehow he knew he was in a basement or anyway underground somewhere. He'd been on a roof. It was confusing.

Then a cold, wet, towel viciously smacked both sides of his face and he was fully awake.

The first thing he saw was Slim Thing, bending over him and so angry he was spitting with each word.

"YOU cost me a dame twice! A genuine high-class dame! YOU shot two of my goons! You cost me the value of a roll with the dame, not to mention what we would have taken from the john's pockets! Now you are going to tell me where she is and who the other dame is so we can set up a twofer for the really flush suckers!

"Don't know," murmured Chongx. "Hip hurts. Handcuffs...too tight."

"Yer leg irons are pretty tight too. Yer gonna hurt even more real quick if you don't tell me where they are."

"Can't. No idea," replied the ape.

"You sure? Well, in that case I think we'll have someone very special see if you can be made to talk." He called out someone behind hime, "Okay, we do it the hard way."

A door opened and Renata walked in.

"He's yours," said Slim Thing. "Make him talk."

"With pleasure," murmured Renata, sliding her hands down her leather-clad hips. "With pleasure, and with pain."


(Oh Boy!! You can't wait, can you? Don't you wish you knew what happens next? Stop slobbering in anticipation -- it's unsightly.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 12:16 AM

Well, he is fond of saying "trouble is my middle name".

Now, let's see, Rap. You have arbitrarily killed off 2 of my main characters. (Winston Wellington-Jones and Hector Ballsworthy) You have caused another main character, the esteemed Ms Rutledge to commit 4 murders, albeit one of them offscreen.

This means you already owe me so much in reparations that it will take you another 3 lifetimes just to BEGIN paying them off!

And meanwhile I shall, of course, simply resurrect the characters, as happens in fiction and video games.

I look forward to receiving your first $10,000 installment at the beginning of July.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 11:08 PM

The three moved quickly away, not so rapidly as to attract attention but quickly. Veronica was the first to notice Chongx's absence and she mentioned it to her aunt.

Penelope pointed to roof and then fire escape of a building across the street. A short, hairy figure in a fedora was swinging along, grasping whatever seemed handy. Once it stopped and looked back at them, then continued.

"Flank guard, I suppose," said Penelope.

They reached Cicero Avenue and Penelope flagged a cab. The figure on the rooftop waved goodbye and vanished.

"Omni, please, and hurry," Penelope told the driver. He shrugged and took off for the Loop.

Penelope sat back and looked at Veronica. "We'll talk, eventually," she said. "But first let's get you cleaned up, have a good dinner, and a sound night's sleep."

At the hotel they went immediately to Penelope's room and once inside Veronica flopped into one of the easy chairs and began to sob. Penelope said nothing, knowing that the sobs were a reaction to recent events. Finally, the crying stopped and Veronica said, "I think I'd like to take a long, hot shower."

"Help yourself," said Penelope, "the bath is in the room to the left. There are two beds in the bedroom of this suite, one of them is yours. You'll find some nice, fluffy, bathrobes in the closet in the bathroom. And Veronica...if you need a sleeping aid I have some."

"Thank you, Aunt Penelope," replied Veronica sincerely.

(Let them sleep. Chongx is in deep trouble.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 10:44 PM

I suspect it is a matter of they haven't been observed flinging poop.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 10:37 PM

All Chongo fans should read Yann Martel's latest book, The High Mountains of Portugal. Chimpanzees are prominently featured. Though none of them drink rye, wear fedoras, or shoot .44s, they also don't fling poop.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 06:04 PM

...unlike certain fur-bearing, buck-toothed, foul-smelling bipeds I could mention.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 01:00 PM

Chongo (again): "As for the Rutledge dame, that one can do whatever she decides to, see, 'cause she has enough money to buy haffa Manhattan, plus the wit to stay calm and focused on the main objective in spite of it. Them kind are pretty much unstoppable. The law can't touch 'em. They got too many connections. This proves to me that humans ain't a total waste of space on this planet. You never know, they might yet evolve into a species with real possibilities..."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 12:52 PM

Chongo: "Boy, I tell ya, when ol' Raparree sets about to writin' a crime noir story, he don't pull no punches. This stuff is like a mix of Mickey Spillane crossed with the Sam Spade stories. Not bad at all. And he never lets the truth get in the way of spinnin' a good tale. I guess all them years of bein' a librarian wasn't the total waste for him that I figgered it would be. The part I like best is the part where I disassemble and clean the 1911 gun. Yessir, that was a tour de force, as the French would say. Ook! Ook!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 10:07 AM

Ouch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jun 16 - 09:37 AM

Veronica sobered, the drunk she was with still pawing her. "Aunt Penelope!" she exclaimed.

"WHAT are you doing, child? Look at you!" shouted Penelope, losing her temper. "I thought you came over here for a job caring for children!"

"So?" Veronica shrugged. "The more sucker you." She batted the drunk's hands away from her crotch and continued, "You have always run my life! You sent me to the best schools, give me a generous allowance, bought me a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, whatever I asked! BITCH!" The last word was stabbed out with a particular venom.

She ranted on: "You and Uncle Winston! That perverted little bastard always sniffing around me like a horny dog, wanting to dress me, wanting me to put a diaper on him and push hem around in that oversized pram he keeps in the old stable, and then change his frigging (this isn't the exact word she used) diaper! And you married him and he's still sucking on your teats for money and everything!"

"Winston's dead," said Peneloped, quietly.

"What?" blinked Veronica in a lower tone.

"Shu gonnafax er do I tel Shlim shu shtiffed me?" muttered the drunk. "C'mon yu kin tak widdat bitsh later."

Veronica turned and kneed him in the groin with such force he was lifted an inch or more off the ground. He fell, unconscious.

"What happened to Winston, your lovey-dovey Winston?" asked Veronica bitterly.

"An accident with Uncle Simon's double rifle in the gun room," stated Penelope with a knowing wink at Veronica. "And I was long aware of his...indiscretions...but did not know of him 'sniffing around' you. I assume it was when I was away in London or somewhere on the business of the family. I most humbly apologise, dear."

Two large men appeared in the doorway, obviously bouncers, who asked, "Waddhell's goin' on out here?" The Beretta, this time equipped with a silencer, "fwipped" twice and both were dead before they knew it. The gun disappeared again.

"Aunt Penelope! You shot them! Slim Thing is going to be very, very angry!"

Penelope gazed at her niece. "Veronica, do you want to stay here or go home to Blighty? If you stay, I shall stop your allowance and disown you. Come back and you can start over. I shall see you get the best anger management treatment, medical treatment, and then you can decide what you want to do with your life."

Veronica stood, indecisive. Chongx said, "You better hurry up and decide, cuz in a minute or two there are gonna be enough goons out here to make up an army."

Veronica turned and saw her reflection in the mirror of a car. She gasped and said quietly, "Let's go."

(TBC)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 10:38 PM

FYI: .700 Nitro Express.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 10:33 PM

Winston doesn't do anything anymore. Penelope put a round in each barrel of the 700 Nitro Express and asked him to "Please check to be sure it's not loaded. I'd do it but I don't know anything about such things." As she expected, he looked down the barrels of the double rifle and pulled the triggers. There wasn't enough left for reconstruction and the police report said it was an "unfortunate accident." Because of its history, family connection, etc. Penelope was allowed to keep the gun. As Penelope said, "He was a rotter, and now he's rotting."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 10:41 AM

You never know with that crazy girl. Just goes to show what way too much money and way too much idle time can do, specially with Uncle Winston buying her a new Porsche every time the old one ends up in a pond or wrapped around a lamp post. Winston tends to be hard on most people, but he has proven to be an utter failure at disciplining Veronica. A most vexing situation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jun 16 - 08:47 AM

The bar was even more seedy than the previous one, if that were possible. It looked as if you could be infected with twelve loathsome diseases just by looking at it.

"Veronica is here?" asked Penelope in amazement.

"Yeah, if I guessed right," replied the ape.

"I think I want to wear protective clothing to go in there," she murmured.

The front door slammed open and a very drunken man and a woman with obviously dyed red hair stumbled out laughing. He was slobbering on her neck and she was fondling him.

Penelope glanced, then her head jerked back. "Veronica!" she said in a commanding tone. "Veronica!"

(More to come....)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 10:01 PM

Ah, yes, heroic stuff indeed. And the story rolls on.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 09:57 PM

The bartender gasped. "Switchblades are illegal!" he exclaimed.

"So is the cosh in your back pocket. So is this (she trained the Beretta on his stomach), for which I had to pull a few strings to bring with me," replied Penelope.

Chongx gazed at the knife, fascinated by the cold steel. And she seemed to know how to use it. "You're quite a dame," he observed.

"I'm a Rutledge. I was trained to shoot by my grandfather, General Sir Arthur Rutledge, VC. He also sent me to what he called 'advanced training' with a lady named Modesty Blaise. Her friend Willie Garvin taught me to throw knives." Suddenly the switchblade was buried in the opposite wall, smack in the middle of the "C" in the logo of a Chicago Cubs poster.

"I'm a Rutledge, and some scum kidnapped me, said I was the wrong one, and threw me back in here. I'm a Rutledge, and I want their scrotums as pouches for my earrings. And I want my niece, Veronica." And she turned the icy stare on Chongx.

The bartender excused himself and very hurriedly left the room.

"Well, about that," Chongx said diffidently, gazing everywhere but at her. "She's gone. She got away for Renata and I think she's headed for Slim Thing. Why I don't know."

"Ten grand, as you Yanks say." Another knife appeared, aimed at Chongx's crotch. "Ten thousand US dollars. Rutledges get full value for their money."

Chongx somehow knew that he couldn't move fast enough to prevent damage to what he held dear. "You're some dame," he said lamely.

"I'm a Rutledge. Now, let's go get Veronica." And she suddenly stood up and the knife disappeared. She walked to the other side of the room, pulled the first knife from the wall, and it too disappeared. "Come on, let's GO."

(Stand by for the next thrilling installment)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 03:00 PM

Penelope has survived deadly encounters with evil Chinamen (think classic stuff like the Fu Manchu series), mad Arabs (Abdul Alhazred?), lascivious Scottish poets (Malcolm Buggerol), enraged Frenchwomen (Angelique Forget), and all manner of uncouth scoundrels in exotic locales. I'm sure she can manage this situation.

Poor Amos. I know he is secretly in love with Penelope Rutledge, seeing in her his ideal woman. He must be going through agonies of concern at this point...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 01:09 PM

Upgraded to Windows 10, and turned off Cortana because I don't want that mealy-mouthed "assistant" reporting back to Mickeysoft about MOM.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 10:04 AM

Penelope came about a quarter awake and heard an uncouth voice say, "You fool! You got the dame! Take her back and try again! And don't try to fool around with her!" and she went back to oblivion.

Sometime later she was being roughly shaken and she regained most of her consciousness, aware that she was laying down and was most uncomfortable. Chongx was doing the shaking and the barman was with him. The discomfort was caused by a none-too-clean cement floor.

"I sweat ta God, Chongx," the barman was pleading, "I thought it was you in the back room who told me ta bring in the Rutledge dame. You've know me for a long time -- would I ever cross you?"

"Chloroformed. How old fashioned!" said Chongx in amazement. "Can you sit up now?" he asked Penelope.

She sat at the dirty table in the middle of the dirty room and knew she was going to vomit. The barman got a dirty bucket and very soon she was wiping her lips with a piece of a dirty towel. Chongx handed her a glass with a green liquid in it that smelled of mint.

"Drink it. It's cream da ment. It'll help ya, I know."

She sipped the drink. It was creme de menthe and it did help.

Mentally, she took stock. To her surprise she could feel that everything in her waist pack was still there. She put her hand into her pocket and pulled something out.

"I want them, Chongx, I want them very badly. No one makes a Rutledge throw up." There was a click and suddenly she held a knife with a five inch blade. The single dirty light bulb glinted off the switchblade's very sharp point. If anyone had looked they would have seen her eyes were now cold, as cold as liquid nitrogen. The wrath of the Rutledges was about to descend upon the Windy City.

(There will be more and more and more driv...er, action packed episodes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 09:48 AM

They breed in Canada, LH. No one suspects that because no one expects anything like that of Canada and so they breed there. Visit, sometime, their underground incubators in Springhill, Pine Point, Eliot Lake, Greater Sudbury, Port Radium, or Uranium City (an incomplete list!).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Jun 16 - 12:55 AM

Yes! Absolutely! I tremble with anticipation!

That photo you found with all the signs is amazing.

Some information you might find useful at some point: Penelope preferred weapons of choice for mortal combat are edged weapons. In short, dueling swords, rapiers, cutlasses, and she is well versed in their use. She is certainly capable of using firearms effectively, both long guns and handguns, but she does prefer blades. Though some women are known for using poison, Penelope wouldn't, because she would regard it as cowardly to do so.

Now, as regards the lizard men....Canada? Don't be silly! Sure, there are a few of them here, but the real centers of lizard power are London, New York, Washington D.C., Las Vegas, Paris, and Los Angeles....oh, and Rome.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 10:02 AM

Penelope sat in the seedy pub, nursing a Coca-Cola. Seething. She'd been there an hour and seemed to have been, as the Americans said, "stood up."

The barman came by again and asked if she was named "Rutledge." Penelope admitted that she was and he said she was wanted in the back room. She followed him and noticed a cosh in his back pocket.

"In here. I gotta get back to the bar," said the publican.

Penelope opened the door and stepped into the room. There was a sharp odor of chloroform and everything went dark.

(Don't you wish you knew what's going to happen next?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 09:33 AM

Oh, yes. LH took my 54545, so I've informed the lizardmen of his address and that he's nice and plumb and full of protein and stuff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 09:32 AM

No American citizen is a member of the lizard people. WE have blood tests you must take before you get married. Canada, however, doesn't require such and hence lizardmen and -women throng, throng I say!, the street of Montreal, Barrie, Quebec, Ottawa, Orillia, Saskatoon, Destruction Bay, Moosejaw, Baker Lake, St. Jean Port Joli, Halifax, Haines Junction, and other metropolitan areas. The law here says that any American found doing some Canadian canoodling is barred from the Presidency -- see Rafael "Ted" Cruz as an example. Here, for instance, is photographic PROOF that the Canadian government tried to warn the people, just before the entire Parliament was absorbed into the maws of the lizardmen.

So don't worry about ol' Hec (as nobody every called him). He's either lizard poop or he's not.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM

Yes, THAT is the question that has everyone on tenterhooks! Could Ballsworthy be the very thing he has been warning others against? Why am I thinking of Dick Cheney when I say that?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 10:35 PM

He called the limey bimbo.

She answered with "Yes?" and Chongx said, "When ya wanna make the connection? Your little pussycat at Renata's. How about if you get a cab and meet me at Murphy's on Cicero and we'll go see how she's doing? And another thing -- watch out cuz you might be being tailed."

"All right," she agreed and hung up.

Penelope dressed in slacks, trainers, and a not-very-high-end blouse. She moved the things in her handbag to a waist pouch, pulled her hair back and fastened it. No sense in making myself conspicuous, she thought.

When she got off the elevator ("the lift," as she thought of it) she saw what had to be a policeman talking with the young woman at the cigar stand. He didn't see her and she walked past him out the door and hailed a taxi.

"Do you now where a bar called 'Murphy's' is on Cicero?" she asked the driver.

"Yeah, but it's not a very high class place," he answered.

"I'd like to go there, please," she said and go into the cab.

"You're payin'," said the driver and off they went.

(There will be more! More excitement, more blood, more bullets, more gore. And was Hector Ballsworthy really one of...them?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 12:59 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Amazing firearms porn! You have outdone yourself. You really should write this stuff under a pseudonym and build up a large clientele of devoted fans among NRA members. You could make a fortune and simultaneously piss off legions of Social Justice Warriors.

I note that Amos has been reduced to silence in the face of all this inspired literature.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 11:51 AM

Chongx awoke and waddled to the window. Glancing out from the side he he saw a man in a fedora and trench coat propped against the corner lamp post. Flatfoot, he thought, you kin always tell 'em.

Then he saw another man -- no, a skinny ape! -- lounging in the doorway the closed candy store. Slim Thing's thing, he mused. Well, there were other ways out of the building.

He turned and put a pot of water on the hotplate to boil for coffee. Then he took out his .45 automatic.

He popped the magazine, jacked the slide to remove the live on, and proceeded to strip her. Just another M1911A1, he thought, as his thumb found the sweet spot on the recoil spring plug and pressed just hard enough to allow him to rotate the barrel bushing. Her tension was suddenly released, like a spring that had been compressed within her. He collected the parts and gently placed them on the bed, fingering each one.

Chongx then slowly and lovingly moved her well-lubricated slide back to the disassembly notch, where he firmly pushed her slide stop from right to left, and suddenly she came apart in his hands! Her lubricating juices coated his fingers and he thought to himself that this was going to be a mess to clean up.

With increasing passion he wiped and inspected and cleaned each part, laying them on the current copy of the "Chicago Tribune." He rammed his cleaning rod into her barrel and with a few thrusts had it as clean as a whistle. A very light coat of lubricant and her barrel glistened. He began to build to the climax: he re-pinned the barrel in place, slid the slide back on, replaced the spring and the plug, tightened the barrel bushing around the plug, and with a sigh of ecstasy knew that she was again ready whenever he wanted and needed her.

Then, reaching for the cigarette he always had after such an encounter, he saw the newspaper article about the Tearoom

Two words jumped out at him, thrust themselves into his eyes like needles: pet monkey. Pet monkey. PET MONKEY!

He jumped up and down in anger and frustration, his "OOK! OOK! OOK!" bouncing around the third floor of the cheap apartment building like a handball in play.

PET MONKEY.

(To be continued)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 11:45 AM

That looks like the perfect gun for a lady to carry concealed in her purse, Rap. Good choice.

You might also consider getting Corridus the Hamster into the story somehow. Just a cameo appearance.

There may be some other past characters that I've forgotten too...God knows, there were quite a few of them. Wilfred Pennifere hasn't been seen in some time. Nor have Eddie and Olive Whatnoll, but they live in 'Ull, and getting someone as large as Eddie Whatnoll across the Atlantic sounds like a dubious project to me. Perhaps it could have been done when the Great Eastern was still taking passengers across to America, but now?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jun 16 - 12:21 AM

They're both dead then (remember that this happens in 2018), maybe. As for Shame, just wait. In fact, hold your britches on, 'cause it ain't over until the fat lady sings.

As for "gun porn" -- I happen to know about firearms. I've been familiar with them for damned near sixty years now, man and boy, in the military and out. You want I should forget? By the way, the Beretta Tomcat, Model 3032, is still made, it fires a 7.65 x 17 Browing Short cartridge (.32 ACP in the US of A), and is actually fairly popular with off-duty police officers. See here. Not at all in the same league as Chongx's .45ACP Thompson submachine gun, however. Still, at close range -- and the .32ACP was the cartridge of choice for many European armies and police forces for a very long time. However, knowing about something doesn't mean I have one or even would have one if it was offered to me (although, if they threw in some cash to make me take it...). Hmmm...gun porn...maybe I can work some in....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 10:20 PM

And, "Aha!" Ballsworthy is (was?) a Reptilian? How deliciously ironic! It would explain his rapacious, ruthless, utterly amoral nature, wouldn't it? Reptiles live only to hunt, have sex, devour prey, and defend territory. Sounds like Mr Ballsworthy to me. And it also sounds like Winston.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 07:35 PM

Ha! Ha!

Well, you must be having a wonderful time, Rap, writing all this firearm porn that you love so much. You're hired to fill in all the scenes which require detailed descriptions of handguns, rifles, semi-automatics, machine guns, etc...their use, their origins, their special features, ammo types, maintenance, hitting power...you've got it all covered.

Too bad Shane can't be dragged into this somehow, but he's way up there in Blind River on the wrong side of the border, so I guess not.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 09:57 AM

She felt like she did that morning after the party at University. The one where she had...well, that didn't bear thinking about.

Breakfast arrived and the headline of the "Chicago Tribune" screamed "Reporter Shot In MF Tearoom!"

She found herself calm as she opened the plate of rashers, black pudding, tomatoes, and eggs. She poured herself a cup of the excellent coffee and continued to read while she ate.

"Hector Ballsworthy, British journalist...by an upper class woman with a pet monkey...fingerprints and DNA analysis...police searching everywhere...anyone with information...Tearoom Manager very upset." The usual. Apparently she wasn't suspected, and Chongx would be angry by being referred to as a "pet monkey." She was also quite glad that ladies still wore gloves during an outing.

Finishing, she took the Beretta from her purse, flipped up the barrel and decided it needed cleaning. Pulling the magazine, she stripped the little gun as grandfather had taught her and using cotton swabs, tissues, the very hot hotel water and whatever else was handy did a thorough cleaning. Putting a drop of oil (intended for her personal shaver) here and there she worked the action and wiped off any excess. She pulled the trigger on the empty action, inserted the reloaded magazine, tipped up the barrel and placed one up the spout. The pistol when back in the handbag and the handbag back in the closet.

There was a knock. She threw on a robe and opened the door.

Two men in fedoras and trench coats. One pulled a leather folder from his pocket, snapped it open, and said authoritatively, "Chicago police. Detective Lieutenant Oliver. This is Detective Sergeant Friday. We hate to disturb you, but there has been a murder and we must ask you some questions."

She thought, "Chongx would say, 'Eat lead, flatfoot! I ain't feedin' you nothin'!'" Instead she quietly asked them to come in and offered to ring for coffee. They accepted and took seats in the sitting room. She was glad she'd shut the door to the bedroom, as it was untidy.

"You're Penelope Rutledge, a citizen of the United Kingdom, who arrived in town three days ago." It was a statement and she remained quiet. "Did you know a Hector Ballsworthy?"

"Yes, officer, I did. Or do. Has something happened?"

"He was gunned down in Marshall Field's Tearoom by a woman with a pet monkey late yesterday afternoon. It's in the papers."

"I'm sorry, but I haven't yet read the paper." It was true; several sections lay unread. "I didn't think very highly of Mr. Ballsworthy, as you may know."

The big cop smiled and said, "You hated his guts, didn't you?"

She smiled her most charming smile and responded, "I disliked all of him, but I wouldn't wish him dead in a tearoom." I'd rather with a stake through his black heart, at a crossroads, she thought, and it's simply too bad we did away with drawing and quartering.

The cop laughed and the other chortled. "Ms Rutledge, you were seen on the surveillance camera in Marshall Field at the time of the murder, in the company of a rather short companion. Would you care to comment?"

"Oh dear! THAT'S what that flutter was all about! Yes, I was shopping (and didn't find a thing) on the ground floor. There was a short person near me and I was afraid it was a purse snatcher or worse. That person fled when the 'ruckus' started and I very soon after. Can you believe that there wasn't a single Dior original anywhere in that store?" She played the surprised shopper to the hilt.

"I believe things like that are special order, Ms Rutledge," said Detective Friday.

"Oh! How gauche!"

"Ms Rutledge," asked Detective Oliver, "do you own a gun?"

"Why, yes. We have a number back home. Let's see: there's a Holland and Holland 700 nitro express double rifle (and a good one it is, she thought, ridding me of that cad Winston), a set of twelve bore Fabri shotguns, my father's Webley from the war, a Martini Henry a great-uncle carried in Zulu unpleasantness, my own 28 bore Purdey of course...."

"No, I meant here," he interrupted.

"Here?" she asked. "However would I get such a thing on the airplane? I certainly wouldn't put it in checked baggage! Besides, I wouldn't think I'd need a firearm in the United States. Am I wrong?"

"Oh, no!" said Oliver, standing. "Please let us know before you must leave town; we may need to contact you in the future with other questions." He and Friday moved to the door. "Thank you for the coffee; it was far better than we're used to." Oliver smiled and they left.

She locked the door and unsteadily moved to a chair and sat. She noticed a paper on the floor and picked it up. It was torn from a notebook and on it was scrawled "Balls: DNA rept.: reptil."

And she broke into a long, cathartic laugh.

(Stand by, folks!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 16 - 03:03 AM

Actually, what I'm thinking here is that Chongo would have grabbed the camera, opened it up to expose the film, and then smashed it for good measure. I have a feeling he wouldn't like Mr Ballsworthy one bit. He would then have directed Ballsworthy to the door, possibly by picking him up by the scruff of the neck and pitching him through the nearest window.

You're quite right that Ballsworthy "needs killing". However, he is so much fun to have around for story purposes that killing him is kind of like killing Snidely Whiplash in only the 2nd or 3rd cartoon, if you know what I mean. A waste of good potential. There's nothing handier than a dependable villain who keeps coming back for more.

But, gosh, the very IDEA that Chongo Chimp would ransom off a young woman to her family to get a quick $5,000 dollars? Shocking! It's libelous. I expect you'll hear from the APP about this soon enough.


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