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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Little Hawk 20 Mar 09 - 03:35 PM
Amos 20 Mar 09 - 12:12 PM
MMario 20 Mar 09 - 11:49 AM
Acme 20 Mar 09 - 11:32 AM
Amos 20 Mar 09 - 11:00 AM
Rapparee 19 Mar 09 - 08:53 PM
Amos 19 Mar 09 - 08:13 PM
Janie 19 Mar 09 - 08:02 PM
Amos 19 Mar 09 - 07:09 PM
Rapparee 19 Mar 09 - 06:07 PM
Rapparee 19 Mar 09 - 05:26 PM
Acme 19 Mar 09 - 02:38 PM
Amos 19 Mar 09 - 02:36 PM
Rapparee 19 Mar 09 - 02:31 PM
Amos 19 Mar 09 - 02:23 PM
Janie 19 Mar 09 - 02:18 PM
Rapparee 19 Mar 09 - 01:16 PM
Janie 19 Mar 09 - 12:30 PM
Amos 19 Mar 09 - 10:16 AM
Rapparee 19 Mar 09 - 08:26 AM
Janie 18 Mar 09 - 11:43 PM
Amos 18 Mar 09 - 11:39 PM
Janie 18 Mar 09 - 11:25 PM
Rapparee 18 Mar 09 - 11:10 PM
Janie 18 Mar 09 - 10:52 PM
Rapparee 18 Mar 09 - 10:32 PM
Janie 18 Mar 09 - 07:14 PM
Rapparee 18 Mar 09 - 05:13 PM
GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River 18 Mar 09 - 05:05 PM
Amos 18 Mar 09 - 04:44 PM
Amos 18 Mar 09 - 12:30 PM
Rapparee 18 Mar 09 - 12:13 PM
Acme 18 Mar 09 - 12:03 PM
Amos 18 Mar 09 - 12:02 PM
Rapparee 18 Mar 09 - 11:33 AM
Amos 18 Mar 09 - 09:57 AM
Amos 18 Mar 09 - 09:38 AM
Rapparee 18 Mar 09 - 08:23 AM
Amos 17 Mar 09 - 11:56 PM
Acme 17 Mar 09 - 11:44 PM
Amos 17 Mar 09 - 11:21 PM
Rapparee 17 Mar 09 - 09:35 PM
Janie 17 Mar 09 - 09:10 PM
Amos 17 Mar 09 - 05:39 PM
Rapparee 17 Mar 09 - 04:54 PM
MMario 17 Mar 09 - 04:43 PM
Amos 17 Mar 09 - 04:30 PM
Rapparee 17 Mar 09 - 04:27 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Mar 09 - 04:18 PM
Amos 17 Mar 09 - 03:58 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Mar 09 - 03:35 PM

You want the last word on girls? Ask Shane. He claims to be the master when it comes to that. The voice of experience. The one who knows all there is to know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Mar 09 - 12:12 PM

**Slips out bedroom window on third floor and shinnies down nearby pine to go visit the woodshed for a while**

Man, wimminz is hard to unnerstan' sometimes. Yer supposed to write them nice poems, and when you do they get all mad!! I mean, whazzup with THAT?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 20 Mar 09 - 11:49 AM

*quietly sneaks out of the house, hoping to go unnoticed*


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Mar 09 - 11:32 AM

Jane, Mom said she's gonna slap those two upside the head next time they come near enough. She's not going to warn them by "whining" first.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Mar 09 - 11:00 AM

I think we should get Rapaire to expound on the question of the degree to which the body controls the soul, and vice-versa.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 08:53 PM

SHOW ME A PRETTY LITTLE NUMBER
(Tom Paxton)

All over this great big city
Can't find a woman who's nice and pretty
They all look like a page in a magazine
Legs are long and they eat like a sparrow
Figures stick to the straight and narrow
Top and bottom are the same as in between

Show me a pretty little number
When she walks, she rolls like thunder
Eyes as deep and dark as the deep blue sea
Round right here and round right there
Pretty red lips and her very own hair
Wrap her up, she's the natural girl for me

Went down in a coffeehouse palace
Met a little lady and her name was Alice
She had friends and her friends had her it seems
Face was dirty and her sweater was baggy
Pants were tight and her hair was shaggy
I've seen her like on college football teams

Way up in a penthouse pretty
Thirteen miles above the city
I met a lady from a wealthy family
She could cuss like a real longshoreman
She was making eyes at the doorman
She made a most unusual offer to me

Way up at a Broadway party
Met a little lady who was very arty
She took me home to see her studio
She took out her paints and she whispered to me
She said she wanted to do me
Some of that paint will never come off I know


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 08:13 PM

The thing about it is, to be honest, that although we Neanderthals may make jesting remarks about the intricacies of girls and their punctilious attention to the many delicate arts of appearance, the truth is we are awful glad they are so successful at it!! As the song said, "There ain't nothing in the world like a big-eyed girl...".


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 08:02 PM

Oh crap!

Now look what I've started....




-MOMMMMMMY!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 07:09 PM

I YAM GURL!!!! HEar me ROAR!
In the silk lingerie store!
Hear me holler, stomp and wail!
At Victoria's Secret's Sale!!
Hear, oh hear me, carry on
About Nan at the Nail Salon!
Flinch and tremble, duck and quail,
If you see me break a nail!
I YAM GURL!! I shall throw FITS
Seeing one with larger t**ts!
Dare not question Gurly Law!!
Mention not Avoirdupois!!
I am She who Rules the World!!
Suck it up, boys--
I AM GURLLL!!!

Bellisima Preciosa
Translations from Croatian Love Songs
Anthracite, PA, 1913


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 06:07 PM

I am girl, give me wine,
Give me viands oh so fine,
Rubies bigger'n the eggs of rocs of old!
'Cause without you just ain't
You wouldn't even be quite faint
Your nonexistence bell would have been tolled.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 05:26 PM

I am GIRL, give me wine....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 02:38 PM

Amos, cellar!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 02:36 PM

"I AM GUURRRRRRL!!! HEAR ME WHINE!!!!!!"



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 02:31 PM

And I won't pick on her in front of Mom and everyone anymore. Nope, I won't pick on her in front of anyone. Not me, nossir!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 02:23 PM

Gurlz rool, dudette!! :D



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 02:18 PM

See? I told you I was girl!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 01:16 PM

I'm sorry for picking on Janie in front of Mom and everyone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 12:30 PM

That's OK, Amos. I know how to fix him. I'm gonna tell MOM on him. Then she'll take away his swords and his pistols, and his spud cannon and the metal screw out of his right knee, and his WI-FI, and his head librarian parking space. Then she'll hand him a feather duster and make him dust every single book in the library, gently removing each one from the shelf and then placing it back carefully. When he's done with out, he can have supper, but it will peas and spinach and he has to eat all of them.

Then, if he tells me he's sorry for picking on me in front of MOM and all the rest of youse, and Mom thinks he sounds and looks believable, he can come back into the house after a month.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 10:16 AM

Well, there goes any claim he has to chivalric instincts; any gentleman knows that although all girls are not women, yet all women are still girls.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 08:26 AM

Okay...if you can prove you're a girl and not a woman.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 11:43 PM

Good job, MOM. You raised Amos up just right.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 11:39 PM

YEah, but you have to listen to her say whatever she feels like until she's done and THEN apologize.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 11:25 PM

No, no, no....

Girls rules means that I can change the rules anytime I am at a disadvantage in such a way as I then have the advantage. Any red-blooded American male who grew up in the 50's and early 60's knows that!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 11:10 PM

Correct. You get an unloaded pistol and I get a sword.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 10:52 PM

Fine!


As long as we are in agreement that Girls Rules prevail.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 10:32 PM

Madam, I have never knowingly been a boor. A poltroon; a coward; a dry-gulchin', lyin', back-shootin', bottom-dealin', hell-bound, good-for-nothin', low-livin' bottom feeder who would sell his little sister into whoredom -- well, perhaps. But never knowingly a boor.

If you persist in calling me such things I must remind you that I am an equal-opportunity duelist.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 07:14 PM

Rapaire,

Have pity on those poor library patrons and keep a goodly supply of this on hand for them.

We now know the rumors are true, Pete Rose turned to baseball and gambling to console himself when his career as a pop singer never took off.

Pray tell, Sir Rapaire, since when did not being boorish become a concern of yours? The land of Erin must have had a civilizing effect!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 05:13 PM

Hey, Shame! They let you use computers in Irish gaols, huh?

Our family, Amos, was not so crass as to discuss the habits of our toilette even amongst ourselves. Except for Uncle Herman, who discussed every tiny little detail with anyone who would listen or appear to listen. I remember on time he talked for four hours about the pimples on his backside with a statue of General Grant (Unk Herman didn't see too good, either).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 05:05 PM

Our Mom did not shave but she should of. You woulda had to see it to beleeve it. I flippin' kid you not. She coulda got a job at the flippin' circus, eh?

- Shane


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 04:44 PM

AT twenty-eight and two and four
It's very plain to see
That in another ninety-six
Comes twenty-eight and three.
And who'd have thunk the very thought,
Back in King Khandu's Day,
That those who spoke in Pure BS
Would have so MUCH to say?


WIlliston Maverick Junior III
Confusions on the Generation Gap
Pioneer Exposition Press, Salt Lake City, 2001


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:30 PM

AH. SO your mother DID shave, then? Your recursive semantic trilobytes are spinning madly, waiting for release.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:13 PM

No, because I never mentioned that ANY woman shaved, nor would I be so boorish as to ask.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:03 PM

So why would you assume she would shave her face if she shaved at all? Did Amos give any hint of growing up in a circus sideshow?

I don't think so.

But if she had used Old Spice on her legs or pits it would have been overpowering unless severely diluted.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:02 PM

By that logic, sir, you have made bearded women out of your own mother, the Virgin Mary, Stilly, Janie, Rustic Rebel, your wife, and Twiggy.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 11:33 AM

...if my mother had shaved, she would have used it too.

Ergo, I assumed that your mother didn't shave and, since you made a point of her NOT shaving, your mother must have had a beard because you said that she didn't shave.

I swear, sometimes your lack of logic surprises me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 09:57 AM

I swear, Rapaire, sometimes you seem unfit for your calling, the way you saw away at language. What letter in the word "IF" did you fail to understand?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 09:38 AM

HI, Mom!

I came to work and found 6this new ergonomic keyboard designed to make you type slower and split at the wrist. It is very strange but I appreciate the thought, you betcha.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 08:23 AM

So your mother had a beard?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 11:56 PM

As it happens I do use Old Spice on the rare occasions when I use any after-shave. It was my Grandfather's poison of choice and if my mother had shaved, she would have used it too. :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 11:44 PM

Being from the coast, perhaps you prefer Old Spice?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 11:21 PM

When it's all you can get, I guess you'll settle for it. I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 09:35 PM

We get people in the Library every day who think it's a drink.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 09:10 PM

Somp'n? How 'bout Aqua Velva ? It was, after-all, a mouthwash before it was an aftershave.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 05:39 PM

YEah, but them Reagents are the Board of Purer Spirits--more like aquavite or somp'n.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 04:54 PM

The board of reagents? Like nitric acid and stuff?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 04:43 PM

It's a bit indelicate, but a dead person has "passed" because the sphincters relax upon death, the the expected results.

As far as Amos' comments re: Heavenly Standards, I blame it on the Board of Reagants and their demonic "No Soul Left Behind" program


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 04:30 PM

Well, now, BeeDub, it didn't useter be that simple. Back in the day, the grading system was a lot tougher, and many folks had to re-tread some of their courses before they could actually graduate, but they passed anyway, and went elsewhere, and were otherwise, until such time as they finished it all up with a graduating grade. Nowadays, with populations of congregations declining and the dollar a bit tighter, you practically are guaranteed graduation even if all you know is a couple of basic recitations, no understanding required. And you wonder why life in Heaven ain't what it useter be!! I swan!! Well, mebbe you don't wonder that. But Glory Day, I yam here to tell you it useter be a lot tougher. These days anyone who is smaller than a camel can get in because of all the lobbying that has gone on over the years. It has had an erosive effect, you might say, on the Standards of Eternity.

Don't ax me to 'splain that, eiver. It's over my head, and that is for sartin sho'.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 04:27 PM

It's related to your fortune cookie fortune, Bee-Dubya.

Personally, I use the terms "dead" "croaked" "kicked off" "kicked the bucket" and "died", among others. Longer terms include "pushing up daisies" "inspecting roots from underneath" "decomposing" "staying put for a change" and "deader'n a [doornail, mackerel, yesterday's news...]".

I also like "vitality challenged" and "breath impaired".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 04:18 PM

Hi again, Mom!

Why do some people say a deceased person has "passed"? Depending upon one's belief system, I would say a dead person has either "failed" or "graduated".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 03:58 PM

Your capacity for back-force is shocking, sir. You ampere to have grown a bit short.


A


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