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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 29 Nov 04 - 12:13 PM
Acme 29 Nov 04 - 10:40 AM
MMario 29 Nov 04 - 08:42 AM
Rapparee 29 Nov 04 - 08:42 AM
Tweed 29 Nov 04 - 08:16 AM
Acme 29 Nov 04 - 12:58 AM
Amos 28 Nov 04 - 06:54 PM
Rapparee 28 Nov 04 - 06:38 PM
Acme 28 Nov 04 - 12:55 PM
Amos 27 Nov 04 - 09:47 PM
Acme 27 Nov 04 - 11:58 AM
Amos 26 Nov 04 - 10:48 PM
Acme 26 Nov 04 - 12:48 AM
Rapparee 25 Nov 04 - 04:51 PM
GUEST,Rapaire 25 Nov 04 - 11:41 AM
Amos 25 Nov 04 - 10:31 AM
GUEST,Clarissa kludge-fudge 25 Nov 04 - 07:58 AM
Amos 25 Nov 04 - 12:19 AM
GUEST,Rapaire 24 Nov 04 - 10:45 PM
Tweed 24 Nov 04 - 05:34 PM
Acme 24 Nov 04 - 12:41 AM
Rustic Rebel 23 Nov 04 - 10:18 PM
Amos 23 Nov 04 - 07:29 PM
Amos 23 Nov 04 - 06:10 PM
Acme 23 Nov 04 - 06:02 PM
Tweed 23 Nov 04 - 11:06 AM
Rapparee 23 Nov 04 - 09:16 AM
Amos 22 Nov 04 - 11:17 PM
Rustic Rebel 22 Nov 04 - 10:57 PM
Rapparee 22 Nov 04 - 10:12 PM
GUEST,Charles Ulysses Farley 22 Nov 04 - 02:56 PM
Acme 22 Nov 04 - 01:59 PM
Acme 22 Nov 04 - 10:31 AM
Acme 22 Nov 04 - 01:58 AM
Amos 21 Nov 04 - 11:15 PM
Amos 21 Nov 04 - 01:48 PM
Rapparee 21 Nov 04 - 12:16 AM
Amos 21 Nov 04 - 12:01 AM
Acme 20 Nov 04 - 11:32 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 04 - 08:55 PM
Acme 20 Nov 04 - 07:51 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 04 - 03:09 PM
Amos 20 Nov 04 - 01:51 PM
Acme 20 Nov 04 - 01:06 PM
Amos 20 Nov 04 - 12:37 PM
Acme 20 Nov 04 - 12:14 PM
Acme 20 Nov 04 - 12:06 PM
Amos 19 Nov 04 - 11:47 PM
Acme 19 Nov 04 - 10:29 PM
GUEST,Harry Kludge 19 Nov 04 - 09:11 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 12:13 PM

So, these blow-up dolls were filled with helium? Ones filled with air wouldn't rise up into the sky.

Are there any reports from passing airliners? Were fighters scrambled to shoot them down? Dammit, what is the Government doing to protect us????


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 10:40 AM

Mower, mower, please post mower! I love stories like that. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 08:42 AM

just goes to show that life is stranger then fiction.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 08:42 AM

Librarians are the nicest and most mannerly people, the most forgiving people, on the planet, because they are always correct and can prove it but are too polite to go around saying "I told you so." Librarians would never hold a a grudge (which rhymes with the k-word).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 08:16 AM

Khandu is loose in Arkansas! Blow-up dolls create havoc.

Arkansas Woman Killed in
Mistaken Rapture
by Elroy Willis
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses.

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.

"She started screaming `He's back! He's back!' and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium, which then floated up into the sky.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him.

"I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me," the widower said when asked why his wife would do such a thing.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Nov 04 - 12:58 AM

so much depends
upon

a red lawn
mower

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 06:54 PM

Somewhere in Valparaiso, a room is blue tonight. I know whose hand made it blue, but I will never know whose mind will swelter in the confines of that blue room, a year, ten years from now, wondering if there is really any substantive hope for the world. Or who will see the light turn on and realize that the world is her oyster. Between those blue covering walls, will someone cuddle someone for the first time? Or hold them for the last time? The fate of four blue walls may be nothing to those who do not know Valparaiso. To some who have been there, it might mean everything.

Quoth, while raving, "Ever mower!".


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 06:38 PM

I painted a room blue the day after Thanksgiving. It's a very nice shade of blue.

I thought you might like to know.

The room is in Valparaiso, Indiana.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Nov 04 - 12:55 PM

On the other hand, around here it is good for the soil to cut the grass with a mulching device, hence the saying "mower is loess."

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 09:47 PM

SRS, you have finally proven the age old myth that mower is less. I am very impressed!!


There was an actress in Hollywood who was found trimming her lawn with a weed-whacker, who explained, "That's all there is! There isn't any mower.".

But no-one believed her.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 11:58 AM

Amos, you have to have enough vigorous chores around the house to keep you so busy you can't put on the weight! Me, I've been moving furniture lately, and cleaning the garage. This morning I have to go out and mow the front and the back yards--that's a half-acre of lawn that will take a couple of hours (it takes longer now that I put in beds that I have to mow a more complex, time-consuming pattern to get around.) I'm already a few pounds over what I like, so I can't afford to gain any more! I'm trying to lose those pounds still. Onward, mower!

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 10:48 PM

This is one weird, BS-full season. On any given visit-and-eat if the fat don't drop you like a drunk pigeon flat on the barnyard floor, the booze will -- and either way, there's no way to lose weight. If you don't watch it you can put on twenty pounds between November 25th and January 2d. My Gawd!! I don't mind bein' thankful, but I think dramatizing it at the midriff is goin' too far!!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 12:48 AM

This is one tired MOABite. The last check of the last thread of the day. Now race forward to the holiday season. Solstice makes the most sense, but we open packages on the 25th. Something for MOAB to ponder. Or not.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:51 PM

Mom, I hope that you have had a wonderful, peaceful, and plentiful Thanksgiving. Since I'm the only one who cares enough to post thoughtful and intelligent responses here, Mom, I know that you haven't had any turkey,

But, yeah, yeah, I'll wish a Happy Thanksgiving to all of them turkeys, Mom.

Happy Thanksgiving, all you MOABites. (Mom made me say that.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 11:41 AM

Because I am a peaceful, caring, nonviolent, nonmilitaristic, nonchauvinistic, thinking, witty, intelligent, good-looking, and omni-wonderful human being I do not read such magazines as this "K" one. And I think that anyone who does should, given their subhumanity, be slaughtered in the most hideous manner possible.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 10:31 AM

Excerpt from a review at Kludge (where else?) on Shatners latest effort -- a CD entittled "Has Been":


Shatner's brilliant delivery does not, however, overshadow the music on this record; it stands on equal footing as an ideal complement. It's not surprising given the list of heavyweights who lend something to this record. Folds, of course, chimes in with his signature piano on most tracks, but so does Joe Jackson, who also supplies some vocal help on a cover of Pulp's "Common People." Aimee Mann and Henry Rollins share vocal duties on "That's Me Trying" and "I Can't Get Behind That," respectively, while Lemon Jelly back Bill up on "Together." If the rock is too much for you, platinum-selling, country-great Brad Paisley ends the disc right with "Real."

But, wait, wait, wait, that's great, but let's not forget the focus of this CD: WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER! Describing him doesn't do him justice. It's really what's to be expected from him, monotone speaking (and off-tempo at that), awkward pauses, and a bizarre sense of humor poking fun at relationships, past successes, and himself.

If Shatner is using the same formula as his first album over thirty-five years ago, how has he now created one of the best records of the year? Thanks to the misuse of the word by Alanis Morisette and Larry Tee's introduction of electro clash, irony has not only become a factor in music, it has become a staple. More than the sum of his producer and non-stop barrage of guests, Shatner proves he was merely ahead of his time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Clarissa kludge-fudge
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:58 AM

kludge magazine

kludge Q n As

how to design a kludge


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 12:19 AM

Because it is the only way to make a noise like a trumpet while typing n English.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 10:45 PM

Thankful I am. Zelda, another brass player, joined us she has. Two there now are. A guitar anyone can play. A mandolin, a banjo, a fiddle, the same. Talent it takes to play trumpet, flugelhorn, cornet.





Why the hell am I talking like Yoda?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 05:34 PM

Well....no bullshit this time...

Get Stuffed everyone and Happy Thanksgiving to all you American MOABITES.

Truly yerz,
Tweed
KOTROT and First Duck of the Kingdom obv Mizippi (five or six times reinstated...mebbe more than that, I've lost count)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 12:41 AM

Amos, you are correct about that last line. I was at work and composed that on the QT, trying not to broadcast the words to anyone in the office who walked behind me and my computer. I was interrupted several times and finally just tacked on a last line, not having time to give it the "thrust" you so adequately achieved. :)

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 10:18 PM

Yes it is true, hermaphrodites do indeed have a sexual sensory substitution.
The class Bdelloidea of the phylum Rotifera is the largest well studied eukaryotic taxon in which males and meiosis are unknown, and the only one for which these indications of ancient asexuality are supported by cytological and molecular genetic evidence.
I estimate the rates of synonymous and nonsynonymous substitutions in the hsp82 heat shock gene in bdelloids and in facultatively sexual rotifers of the class Monogononta, employing distance based and maximum likelihood methods.
Relative-rate tests, using acanthocephalan rotifers as an outgroup, showed slightly higher rates of nonsynonymous substitution and slightly lower rates of synonymous substitution in bdelloids as compared with monogononts.
The opposite trend, however, was seen in intraclass pairwise comparisons. If, as it seems, bdelloids have evolved asexually, an equality of bdelloid and monogonont substitution rates would suggest that the maintenance of sexual reproduction in monogononts is not attributable to an effect of sexual reproduction in limiting the load of deleterious nucleotide substitutions.

I would like to also add that this is completly unassociated with what you have tryed to get me to do with my tounge, but I belive I can still touch my nose with my tounge which gives me an ultra sense of stimulation.



PS-Amos I couldn't get into your site.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:29 PM

I think you all--especially Rustic--should be interested in this wonderful research reported lately in the New York Times about sensory substitution. Seems if -- for example -- your inner ear is not sending your brain the right sensory information, these guys can rig up some wires and such and get your tongue to do it instead.

This opens up all kinds of possibilities.

Reminds me of an old joke with a punch line involving tapping a young woman on the shoulder and asking her what time it is.

:D

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 06:10 PM

How about "It thrusts up and down all nightily" Ooooooo!!!!


A!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 06:02 PM

Machine, propel thy shaft mightily,
Through grime, grease and dirt, vitally.
Mechanics transcendent,
Through kluge's ammendment,
This craft operates all-rightily.

(Kind of falls down on that last line)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 11:06 AM

Rustic my darling, I live for your mos' looridly explistif muses. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tweed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 09:16 AM

It was dirty and grimy and covered with grease
But it was stuck in shaft alley by twos and threes
All hail the mighty shaft of propellors!!



Nah....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 11:17 PM

Well, the shaft I was referring to was a large propellor shaft, abut four feet in diameter, and the area on either side of it as it led aft to the propellor was called the shaft alley. The shaft, in turn, was driven by the gigantic pistons of a Harland and Wolff Diesel engine -- the cylinders were tall enough that you could stand inside of them with your feet on the cam lobes and not reach the piston heads. Big, like.

But, well, RR, I gotta say your version is pretty impressive!!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:57 PM

Well now I have to agree with Charlie Farley, we are spending to much time talking about kludge when we should be talking about that thing Amos said. Let's see what was it now? Oh yes, the shaft that is all grimy and covered with dirty grease. Quite an interesting topic. I'm not sure I like the idea of any shaft around me that is grimy and covered with old grease, but non-the-less I am far more interested in the idea than I am in kludge.

The Shaft

It wasn't a small shaft that I saw that day,
It wasn't really huge.
It was grimy and greasy and layed in the dirt,
I think it fucked a kludge.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:12 PM

Dear Mr. Farley,

Thank you for your recent submission to MOAB. We regret to inform you that it does not meet either our present needs nor the exceptionally high quality needed for BS to be included in this thread.

Thank you for thinking of us.

Sincerely yours,
Rapaire.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Charles Ulysses Farley
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 02:56 PM

My, my, but you people do just go on and on about it, don't you?

Your country is involved in a senseless war that could potentially become World War Three, you recently chose an idiot to be your leader, and there's a move afoot to amend your Constitution to allow a Nazi weightlifter to become the next idiot president.

And you don't have anything more important to worry about than whether "kluge" rhymes with "huge" or "budge".

Splendid! Keep up the good work.

Chuck U. Farley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 01:59 PM

chuck

Geez, guys, I was just yanking his chain!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:31 AM

up up up


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 01:58 AM

It looking like something your pal Kluge might have upchucked after messing up the room. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 11:15 PM

Ok, ok, ok....so it wasn't top-grade. I admit it. But it wasn't poison, either!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 01:48 PM

I had a dawg,
We called Ole Kluge
His eyes were black an' his gums were rouge
He was brown and huge,
Ole Kluge.

Ole Kluge had a habit,
I must confess,
Every place he found order, he would leave a mess
Big and huge,
Ole Kluge.

....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 12:16 AM

We had to sell ours to help pay the mortgage.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 12:01 AM

I had one of them, SRS, but the back wheels just fell off one day!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:32 PM

Da mangler De mye i Deres livstid, Herr Rapaire. Kvinner som er frem er upfront, fremragende, toppene, og lever deres livfull-krets.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 08:55 PM

MY momma brought me up not to mess 'round with them "forward" wimmin.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 07:51 PM

Amos, I think I accused you of not doing something more exotic than Spanish. This is simple Chinese.

Rapaire, you read it forward, which means you read it backward. Read it backward and see what I said. I was being forward.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 03:09 PM

SRS, that's disgusting. I thought that yo mama brought you up better than that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 01:51 PM

I sure hope you remember what that said, SRS, 'cuz that translator site only does one-eay from English. We'll have to take your word for it, too!

:D

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 01:06 PM

阿摩司,我认为你可能尝试稍微更异国情调的某物较之西班牙人。


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 12:37 PM

¡Mi Dios, yo estoy atemorizado por su espíritu aventurero y la imaginación de gran alcance! ¡Yo no pensé sería jamás posible comunicar a noruegos!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 12:14 PM

I want to poke this in somewhere for others to play with:
http://www.freetranslation.com/ I found this place when wanting to translate English to Norwegian (Babelfish doesn't do it). I sent a question to a Norwegian craft web site, and received an answer from an apparently not-much-English-speaking Norwegian woman and hope my answer was at least as comprehensible as hers to me was.

I wonder what other language translation sites are out there (she asks hoping for some great BS generated from the experiment now possibly to be conducted)?

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 12:06 PM

Back to the top!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 11:47 PM

Harry,

I am sorry to tell you that the word as applied to engineering crud was established long before your Cerfiot pals started using it. We would apply it, for example, to the shafts, gears, rods, miscellaneous couplings and spare rings stored along the shaft alley. All grimy and covered with old grease. And there was no question how it was pronounced. We're talking late 1960's here; if anyone had rhymed it with Trudge OR Fudge he would have been laughed back up onto the deck where he belonged. You just had to know these things to be a snipe. :>)D

But perhaps that wasn't where the family jewels ended up from the Hudson River valley; maybe your derivation is from the Dutch, while hours is from the Yiddish or Alsatian or even Schleswig-Holsteinian.

When it is applied to junk it is Kloooodge; clearly not applicable in the case of your family name.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 10:29 PM

Perhaps they experienced one of those mythic Ellis Island name changes--though in this case, since they just visited and weren't processed there, it wasn't changed, just mispronounced.

SRS (Former NPS park ranger at Ellis Island)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Harry Kludge
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 09:11 PM

Sir,

I found this web site while researching my family genealogy and thought it might have some pertinent data. As you might imagine, I have taken some teasing and even abuse over my name, and I find such things to be offensive.

Your crack about Ellis Island is in poor taste, as my family settled in the Hudson River Valley in the early 1700s. My many-times-great grandfather, Otto Kludge, fought at both Saratoga and Yorktown. Other of my ancestors fought at Gettysburg, Belleau Wood, and an Uncle died on Wake Island. My father hiked out of the Chosin Reservoir. My twice-great grandmother was one of the first women physicians in the Oregon Territory and another climbed the Chilkoot Pass. I myself have worked with computers since the middle 1960s and I count Vinton Cerf, Ray Tomlinson, Bob Kahn, and Bob Metcalf among my former co-workers.

It rhymes with "trudge."


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