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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 12 Nov 09 - 01:23 PM
Rapparee 12 Nov 09 - 12:58 PM
Little Hawk 12 Nov 09 - 12:13 PM
Amos 12 Nov 09 - 11:21 AM
Acme 12 Nov 09 - 10:38 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 09 - 09:55 AM
Rapparee 12 Nov 09 - 09:20 AM
MMario 12 Nov 09 - 09:10 AM
Rapparee 11 Nov 09 - 11:40 PM
Amos 11 Nov 09 - 11:09 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 11:01 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 10:57 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 10:16 PM
Rapparee 11 Nov 09 - 09:37 PM
Rapparee 11 Nov 09 - 09:29 PM
Acme 11 Nov 09 - 09:27 PM
Little Hawk 11 Nov 09 - 09:06 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 09:05 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 09:01 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 08:58 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 08:56 PM
Janie 11 Nov 09 - 08:44 PM
Janie 11 Nov 09 - 08:43 PM
Amos 11 Nov 09 - 08:41 PM
Amos 11 Nov 09 - 08:37 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 08:10 PM
Janie 11 Nov 09 - 07:32 PM
Acme 11 Nov 09 - 07:10 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 04:48 PM
Amos 11 Nov 09 - 02:19 PM
Amos 11 Nov 09 - 01:18 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 01:10 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 01:08 PM
Amos 11 Nov 09 - 12:28 PM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 11:28 AM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 11:18 AM
Rapparee 11 Nov 09 - 11:03 AM
Rapparee 11 Nov 09 - 10:52 AM
Ed T 11 Nov 09 - 10:44 AM
Little Hawk 11 Nov 09 - 10:34 AM
Amos 11 Nov 09 - 10:24 AM
Janie 11 Nov 09 - 09:16 AM
Janie 11 Nov 09 - 01:10 AM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 11:19 PM
Janie 10 Nov 09 - 09:55 PM
Rapparee 10 Nov 09 - 08:25 PM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 08:16 PM
Amos 10 Nov 09 - 06:09 PM
Ed T 10 Nov 09 - 05:56 PM
Acme 10 Nov 09 - 05:22 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 01:23 PM

I haven't, but I haven't tried, either. I greatly enjoy your wit and repartee when you bother to communicate, and not when you don't.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 12:58 PM

Can't crack either one, huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 12:13 PM

As is your power to bloviate.... ;-)

And mine to extrapolate.... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 11:21 AM

Goode sirre Rapaire, you need not exert yourself; you have nothing to prove to me. Your powerful ability to not-communicate is legend in these parts.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 10:38 AM

Any of my old recipes that call for that much fat, healthy or unhealthy, have been modified by me over the years. You can usually substitute something like apple sauce for some of the oil (like in my old pumpkin bread recipe) so there is 1/2 cup oil and 1/2 cup apple sauce. etc.

Except when I make spritz. I have used shortening, as the recipe calls for, but this year I'll try butter. They'll probably be like shortbread (maybe this is a shortbread anyway?)

MOM doesn't care what goes into them, just so long as she gets cookies this time of year. But if they're really unhealthy, she has begun to notice that when she gives people plates of her cookies that they get passed along. She's seen them turn up on other plates in places like meetings and schools.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 09:55 AM

rjite afewa opeen tghin kwbzx qqpin pmvui xsoma amots xxx


Dear Amos: I can make them LOTS more difficult or much easier.


ou-yay till-say ont-way reak-bay he-tay ipher-cay nd-aay xtract-eay he-tay eaming-may.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 09:20 AM

Young boy, concerned about the length of his "member" went to the wise old man for advice. The WOM knew that in a year or so it would be similar in length to the boy's friends, so he said, "Every day, rub it with a drop of bear grease. That will put the strength of the bear into it."

A year later the boy came back in tears -- he said that he'd done what the wise old man had said every day, never missing one, but it hadn't worked.

The wise old man said, "And you used a dab of bear grease every day?"

"Well," the boy replied, "we didn't have any, so I used Crisco instead."

"Ai!" exclaimed the old man. "No wonder! That's shortening!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 12 Nov 09 - 09:10 AM

Thanks for the molasses cookie recipe Ed; I need to make some Christmas Penguins.

1 cup shortening to 5 cups flour is a lower fat ratio then a lot of baked goods!

MMario


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 11:40 PM

Mayhap that is part of the cipher, old top? Besides, your feeble attempt at deciphering failed most miserably. I would never, for example, call you a "dork".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 11:09 PM

Rapaire:

If you are going to write in code like that, please make very sire it does not contain random typographical errors or it will not decode properly.

tihs shitx?
godni insog
ippet teppi
sfoss ssofs
enism msine
uduro our du
oyrof for yo
ezigo ogize
lopad ' apolo
iknih hink I
tylla allyt
eruoy youre
odyrr rrydo
osfok kofso
rosuo ousor
ysoma   Amos,y

Given the table of inversions shown above, Raparee's cryptic antagionsim translates as:

AMos, yousorkofsorrydoyoureallythinkI'dapologizeforyorudumsinessofsteppindogshit.

It is probable, extrapolating for chronic patterns of known attitude and vocabulary on Rapaire's long and colorful track on the MOAB that his incisive and illuminating remark meant to say:

AMos you dork, do you really think I'd apologize for your dumbness in stepping in dog shit?

But, as can be seen by anyone who traces the cryptographic analysis above, he doesn't spell very well. SO his insult is kind of compromised by a failure in execution. Ah, well, back to the Olde Drawinge Board.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 11:01 PM

Oops, I meant "When using butter or margarine for shortening, add 1 tablespoon milk or water for each 1/2 cup shortening substituted.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 10:57 PM

Is someone a Pidgin Poet making a mess of sins?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 10:16 PM

From Land O'Lakes: Shortening:
1 cup butter or margarine (ie Becel) can be substituted for 1 cup shortening. When using shortening in place of butter or margarine, 1 tablespoon milk or water for each 1/2 cup shortening used may need to be added. DO NOT substitute vegetable oil for shortening when recipe calls for melting the shortening.

You can substitute mayonnaise for part of the shortening or margarine in your baking recipes. It adds moistness. Try using half mayo and half shortening at first.

Some healthy folks substitute Spectrum (From the Spectrum site):
We start with organic palm oil, extracted via manual pressing without the use of harmful chemicals. The oil is refined via cold filtration, conjoining oil and a small amount of water at cold temperature�a process similar to the making of ice cream. The palm oil is then whipped using nitrogen, resulting in creamy consistency similar to conventional shortening.

Organic palm oil is not hydrogenated; contains no trans-fatty acids; is lower in saturated fat than butter & has no cholesterol; is widely used in Europe as an alternative to partially hydrogenated oils; is extracted from the palm's fruit NOT the palm's kernel; can be grown organically in tropical regions; of the 3 tropical oils, palm oil is 50% saturated, while palm kernel oil is 86%, and coconut oil is 92% saturated."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 09:37 PM

xtihs
godni
ippet
sfoss
enism
uduro
oyrof
ezigo
lopad
iknih
tylla
eruoy
odyrr
osfok
rosuo
ysoma


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 09:29 PM

I'm sorry, Amos. I apologize, abjectly. I abase myself. I pour hot ashes and coals upon my forehead. I will dress in naught but a hair shirt with a barbed wire belt tomorrow and I shall carry a 40 pound candle through the streets, stopping before each place of worship and/or saloon and flagellating myself with my autoflagellator. Finally, when the candle has burned down to a nubbin I shall climb into a barrel of rusty nails and broken glass and rolled downhill into the cold depths of the river downstream from the pipe that empties the raw sewage from the pesthouse. Taken broken, bleeding, and shivering from the barrel I will then dedicate the rest of my life as a hermit caring for lepers. As you can tell, I'm really, really sorry for whatever it was I did.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 09:27 PM

One cup melted shortening.

Throw out that recipe. It will kill you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 09:06 PM

You're trying to catch up to Amos, aren't you? ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 09:05 PM

vo·la is the palm or sole.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 09:01 PM

Old doctor's saying:
If a drug has an effect....it most likely has a side effect.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 08:58 PM

Un médecin est un professionnel de la santé titulaire d'un diplôme de docteur en médecine. Il est chargé de soigner les maladies, pathologies, et blessures ...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 08:56 PM

If you have molasses, dont ue it for medecin...and don't want to make rum:

Vola... MOLASSES COOKIES

1 cup molasses
1 cup sugar
1 cup melted shortening
1 cup very hot water with 3 teaspoons baking soda
5 cups flour
1 teaspoon cream of tartar mixed in with flour
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 teaspoons ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
Mix all ingredients in order given. Let dough chill for 2 - 3 hours. Roll out (not too thin) and cut out cookies. Bake at 375 degrees F. for 10 - 12 minutes. Submitted by: Mr. Ed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 08:44 PM

If he doesn't apologize, MOM will wash his mouth out with an oregano/Scope cocktail.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 08:43 PM

I think you nailed it, Amos. This fever has got my brain a little addled.

I'm getting google ads for oregano oil and Scope mouthwash.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 08:41 PM

BTW I think Rapparee should apologize for his remarks about whether I could handle his name change (which he decided not to do). I have demonstrated perfectly well I could continue to harass him under his new name.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 08:37 PM

IF you are using a right-clcik or some equivlent you may be jumping into the context-sensitive dropdown menu, which includes saving the linked file as something. Because it is an HTML file, it might htink it deserved the application warning.

In Safari the context sensitive menu includes:

Open Link in a New Window
Open Link in a New Tab
Download Linked FIle
Download Linked FIle As...
Add Link to Bookmarks
Copy Link

And maybe one or two others depending on your local environment.

IF you think you are just single-clicking, make sure one of your lovely fingers is not resting on the Option key or the Command key, which will make it do something else.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 08:10 PM

Too much blackstrap's a'drippin on yer keyboard, I suspect.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 07:32 PM

Something very weird. When I tried to open MOAP a few minutes ago, the downloads window opened with a warning that the thread is an application, and was I sure I wanted to download it.

I cancelled it, clicked again, and the thread opened. Then clicked on the list to start with the last post I had read, and the same thing happened.

I closed Safari, reopened it, and now all is well.

'tis a mystery. (Wonder what MOM's been drinking?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 07:10 PM

Sounds like you guys are trying to turn Janie into a science project. Don't try all of that stuff at once or you're liable to look like that volanco exhibit where you pour vinegar over the can of baking soda.

Try gargling with warm salt water, and use your neti pot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 04:48 PM

Post'in like a bourgeoisie
More noble than a Hammontree
Was the multi-post'in gent named Raprie

Now there's no guarantee
That our gutsy Raparie
Can keep post'in all this potpourr

He's tomorrow's aujourd'hui
Post'in stew like boy-ar-dee
Could he be MOM's chosen franchisee?

Can he keep his post esprit
For the MOAB eternity
Or will this shroom turn out to be Fungi?

It won't take an eternity
For all the Cats to see
If this rapper is a blue-blood or whoppee


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 02:19 PM

The geek mind at play is a wonderful thing to behold. Two examples: Roomba Pacman, built by three engineers whose day jobs involve unmanned aerial vehicle systems (videos here), and Novel Chess, a system too complicated to explain here that allows works of literature to compete on the 64-square field of battle (e.g. "Nearly as exhausting is the 141-move slugfest between Benjamin Constant's lapidary tale of ennui and seduction, Adolphe (1816), and La Bodega (1905), Vincente Blasco Ibáñez's crusading proto-prohibitionist indictment of wine-drenched backwardness in Andalucía ? a game that culminates in yet another triumph for Iberian social realism."



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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 01:18 PM

IF you wanted to open a crappery
You should hire a man like our Rapaire
To greet folks and doff his fine cappery
And ignore any tickle-and-slappery.
He'd debate about choirs and pappery
And calm guests from feeling quite snappery.
ANd the man who can handle the flappery
Is definitely noble old Rapaire.
Folks would roll up in Rollses and trappery
To be greeted by such a sartrap-eree
And dress up in silk and in drappery,
TO be greeted by noble old Rapaire.
And barring some awful mishappery
'Twould for sure be a smashing grand crappery,
You'd make thousands by just selling mappery
To Rapaire's dappery crappery!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 01:10 PM

Raparie did it.....
HIS WAY!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 01:08 PM

I don't mean to grate the great,

the noble, kind 'a wise

Or, so they say,

is he going which-a- way?

Or, is he going any way?

Or, maybe anyway?

Oh, that way ... you say>

Or, did he mean the other way?

I am not sure it has to be...

Oh, say it ain't so, Raparie


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 12:28 PM

Students of the Greek philosopher Aristotle (384 BC ? 322 BC) first used the word 'metaphysica' (literally "after the physical") to refer to what their teacher described as "the science of being qua being" - later known as ontology. 'Qua' means 'in the capacity of'. Hence, ontology is inquiry into being in so much as it is being, or into being in general, beyond any particular thing which is or exists; and the study of beings insofar as they exist, and not insofar as, for instance, particular facts obtained about them or particular properties relating to them. More specifically, ontology concerns determining whether some categories of being are fundamental, and asks in what sense the items in those categories can be said to "be".

Some philosophers, notably of the Platonic school, contend that all nouns (including abstract nouns) refer to existent entities. Other philosophers contend that nouns do not always name entities, but that some provide a kind of shorthand for reference to a collection of either objects or events. In this latter view, mind, instead of referring to an entity, refers to a collection of mental events experienced by a person; society refers to a collection of persons with some shared characteristics, and geometry refers to a collection of a specific kind of intellectual activity.[1] Between these poles of realism and nominalism, there are also a variety of other positions; but any ontology must give an account of which words refer to entities, which do not, why, and what categories result. When one applies this process to nouns such as electrons, energy, contract, happiness, space, time, truth, causality, and God, ontology becomes fundamental to many branches of philosophy.
[edit] Some fundamental questions

The principal questions of ontology are "What can be said to exist?" and "Into what categories, if any, can we sort existing things?" Various philosophers have provided different answers to these questions.

One common approach is to divide the extant entities into groups called categories. Of course, such lists of categories differ widely from one another, and it is through the co-ordination of different categorial schemes that ontology relates to such fields as library science and artificial intelligence.

Further examples of ontological questions include:

    * What is existence?
    * Is existence a property?
    * Which entities, if any, are fundamental?
    * How do the properties of an object relate to the object itself?
    * What features are the essential, as opposed to merely accidental, attributes of a given object?
    * How many levels of existence or ontological levels are there?
    * What is a physical object?
    * Can one give an account of what it means to say that a physical object exists?
    * Can one give an account of what it means to say that a non-physical entity exists?
    * What constitutes the identity of an object?
    * When does an object go out of existence, as opposed to merely changing?
    * Why does Rapaire have to be that way?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 11:28 AM

Does that mean that "the self-identified, wise and nobled" Rapaire thinking will not likely rule the world....as we know it now?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 11:18 AM

What about the medical caution:"When using oregano essential oil to be sure that its primary component is carvacrol and not thymol".
http://www.answers.com/topic/oregano-essential-oil

"the oil should be used with caution, as it can be irritating to the mucous membranes"

http://intelegen.com/ImmuneSystem/oregano_oil.htm


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 11:03 AM

The generous and noble Rapaire will let someone else cop the hundred.

Oops....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 10:52 AM

Add sulphur to that molasses, says the wise and noble Rapaire.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 10:44 AM

Too much cider, inside her insides?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 10:34 AM

Try oil of oregano. Brush teeth and tongue thorougly first and rinse your mouth out. Then put about 4 drops of oil of oregano on your tongue and swish it all around in your mouth. It tastes like liquid fire, and the germs don't like it. You may not like it either, but put up with it anyway, because it really works. Don't bother spitting it out. Just keep swishing it around in your mouth with the saliva, and eventually swallow it. Very good to combat a cold of any kind, I find.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 10:24 AM

OK, lady. Apple cider vinegar and black-strap molasses and back to bed witchoo!! No TV either!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 09:16 AM

MOMMY *sniff* my throat hurts and I have a temperature.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 11 Nov 09 - 01:10 AM

Boys, boys.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 11:19 PM

I will accept your kind and generous forgiveness, Oh Goode Rapaire, when my lily-white sneakers are dripping with your oral moisture.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 09:55 PM

I suspect Bee Dubya Ell's problem right now involves bailing out the basement.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 08:25 PM

The noble and merciful Rapaire forgives Ed and Amos; MM and LH need no forgiveness, and the ladies need no excuse for being. This does not, however, deal with the problem of Bee Dubya Ell.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 08:16 PM

Chimps "nighty time" story corner:

I work at home, so I was looking for a place to relax on days when I had quite a bit to accomplish, otherwise I would never get any work done!

Let me start by saying that paying someone to bathe me normally goes against my grain. But, sometimes it's necessary when the weather is too cold outside and one is waaay overdue.

After checking websites and calling for details, I thought it would give it a try. According to the website, for a self-serve bath, they offer shampoo, conditioner, brushes, towels, nail trimmers, ear and teeth wipes, and a blow dryer. Just in case, I brought my own nail trimmers and grooming scissors. First off, there was a short wait, which was not soo unpleasant cause I got to watch others preparing for their bath time.

I paid only $15 to use their tubs, which is fairly cheap for what should have been a hassle-free bath for me, since I am a woolly mammoth. having long thick hair that is high maintenance, grooming-wise.

But once I got into the bathing area, everything went straight to hell. This was my maiden voyage and they knew that. The lady explained only part of the process, which was the shampoo and "here's some brushes". I had to ask for nail trimmers (wanted to use theirs cause mine are dull? but ended up with mine anyway). No ear or dental wipes were made available and the kicker is they leave you alone and if you have a question "whatta ya gonna do"???

I know some of my disappointment may have been colored, because I completely freaked about being left alone. The bath areas were really high and I feared falling off. Also, there was alot of noise and distractions. So I wanted to hurry up , since not having all the tools handy was a problem.

Finally, I get in the tub and go to shampoo? and the shampoo is just like water. I even had to hunt someone down and ask if I had the right stuff? And they said yes, "it just doesn't suds up". WTF? Alone, how do I know where I've cleaned and then how do I know if I've rinsed it all off? I burned thru 2 bottles of this, "cleaning water" (O had to hunt someone down for 2nd bottle and believe me, I din't like asking). The guy in the next stall had to use dial hand soap when he ran out of said "shampoo". There was another guy there bathing and he asked if this was that my first time? Cause, he said he'd been before but things had changed, namely the, so called shampoo, and he was not happy either.

I do smell a little better now. But, from now on I will rely on my own supplies at my own house. I just hope it gets me thru the cold months!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 06:09 PM

The Yarn of the Nancy Bell
by
W.S. Gilbert

'Twas on the shores that round our coast
From Deal to Ramsgate span,
That I found alone on a piece of stone
An elderly naval man.

His hair was weedy, his beard was long,
And weedy and long was he,
And I heard this wight on the shore recite,
In a singular minor key:

"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig."

And he shook his fists and he tore his hair,
Till I really felt afraid,
For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,
And so I simply said:

"O, elderly man, it's little I know
Of the duties of men of the sea,
But I'll eat my hand if I understand
How ever you can be

"At once a cook, and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig."

Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which
Is a trick all seamen larn,
And having got rid of a thumping quid,
He spun this painful yarn:

"'Twas in the good ship Nancy Bell
That we sailed the Indian sea,
And there on a reef we come to grief,
Which has often occurred to me.

"And pretty nigh all the crew was drowned
(There was seventy-seven o' soul),
And only ten of the Nancy's men
Said 'Here!' to the muster-roll.

"There was me and the cook and the captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig
And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig.

"For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink,
Till a-hungry we did feel,
So we drawed a lot, and accordin' shot
The captain for our meal.

"The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate,
And a delicate dish he made;
Then our appetite with the midshipmite
We seven survivors stayed.

"And then we murdered the bo'sun tight,
And he much resembled pig,
Then we wittled free, did the cook and me,
On the crew of the captain's gig.

"Then only the cook and me was left,
And the delicate question, 'Which
Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose
And we argued it out as sich.

"For I loved that cook as a brother, I did,
And the cook he worshipped me;
But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed
In the other chap's hold, you see.

"'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom,
'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,' --
'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I,
And 'Exactly so,' quoth he.

"Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me
Were a foolish thing to do,
For don't you see that you can't cook me,
While I can -- and will -- cook you!'

"So he boils the water, and takes the salt
And the pepper in portions true
(Which he never forgot) and some chopped shallot
And some sage and parsley too.

"'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride,
Which his smiling features tell,
' 'Twill soothing be if I let you see,
How exceedingly nice you'll smell.'

"And he stirred it round and round and round,
And he sniffed at the foaming froth;
When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals
In the scum of the boiling broth.

"And I eat that cook in a week or less,
And -- as I eating be
The last of his chops, why, I almost drops,
For a wessel in sight I see!

"And I never grin, and I never smile,
And I never larf nor play,
But I sit and croak, and a single joke
I have -- which is to say:

"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy's brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 05:56 PM

Curious if any of you folks covered (or memoriozed) the poem "The Yarn of the Nancy Bell" by W. S. Gilbert in school?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 05:22 PM

Amos,

In my NPS and USFS days I used to have to occasionally order things from the GSA catalog. You described it very well. The trick is figuring out that "stainless steel, wire, bent" is what they call "paper clip." (I no longer remember if this is what they call a paper clip, but it gives you the gist of the problem).


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