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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 01 Jan 09 - 02:00 PM
Amos 01 Jan 09 - 02:11 PM
Amos 01 Jan 09 - 02:45 PM
Rapparee 01 Jan 09 - 04:08 PM
Little Hawk 01 Jan 09 - 08:05 PM
Amos 01 Jan 09 - 09:12 PM
Little Hawk 01 Jan 09 - 11:01 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 09:36 AM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 10:04 AM
Little Hawk 02 Jan 09 - 10:40 AM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 10:43 AM
Acme 02 Jan 09 - 12:48 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 12:56 PM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 01:00 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 01:12 PM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 01:18 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 01:26 PM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 02:16 PM
Acme 02 Jan 09 - 03:43 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 03:56 PM
MMario 02 Jan 09 - 04:00 PM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 04:37 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 04:53 PM
Acme 02 Jan 09 - 04:58 PM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 07:00 PM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 08:22 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 10:03 PM
Amos 02 Jan 09 - 11:02 PM
Rapparee 03 Jan 09 - 11:20 AM
Amos 03 Jan 09 - 12:19 PM
Rapparee 03 Jan 09 - 05:03 PM
Acme 03 Jan 09 - 06:06 PM
Rapparee 03 Jan 09 - 06:34 PM
Rapparee 03 Jan 09 - 09:39 PM
Amos 03 Jan 09 - 10:20 PM
Acme 04 Jan 09 - 01:05 AM
Janie 04 Jan 09 - 01:52 AM
Acme 04 Jan 09 - 02:20 AM
Rapparee 04 Jan 09 - 10:50 AM
Little Hawk 04 Jan 09 - 11:45 AM
Amos 04 Jan 09 - 12:19 PM
Little Hawk 04 Jan 09 - 12:25 PM
Acme 04 Jan 09 - 12:50 PM
Amos 04 Jan 09 - 01:17 PM
Amos 04 Jan 09 - 01:36 PM
Little Hawk 04 Jan 09 - 01:40 PM
Little Hawk 04 Jan 09 - 01:43 PM
Amos 04 Jan 09 - 01:55 PM
Rapparee 04 Jan 09 - 02:18 PM
Little Hawk 04 Jan 09 - 03:07 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 02:00 PM

Amos, have I ever told you how very, very much I admire and respect you? If I haven't, please understand that I do.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 02:11 PM

And I you, good sir. What a kind remark; it maketh me to stop dead in my tracks and reconsider all my evil ways simultaneously!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 02:45 PM

From Mom's 489th Page:

Well, somebody told him that he could act
So he started believin' it was natural fact!
Hammed and stonefaced and fiddled and hacked
His talents lie on the Digestive Tract!

William,
William Shatner!
Old and dull and fat!


I see, BTW, that he has a new gig bringing Shatnerization to the talk-show circuit.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:08 PM

Yes, Amos, you are the nicest and most admirable low-down, back-shootin', cussedest, dry-gulchin', bottom-dealin', widow-robbin', banker-lovin', tail-waggin', horse thief I've ever had the dubious pleasure of knowin' and I admire and respect you for upholding those ideals as your own in spite of society's fierce disapproval.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:05 PM

Yes, Amos. Mr Shatner is always out there going boldly where none has gone before.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 09:12 PM

Ah, that's the Rapaire we know and love around here.

I thought you mighta have might cotched some fever ot sompn.

Glad you're okay.

Now where I come from, bottom-dealing is an art and a matter of great pride so long as one is not caught, which is obviously a sign of ineptitude. And you may have noticed, threats and bluster notwithstanding, that I have not yet been caught.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:01 PM

What would happen if you did get caught, Amos? Would you release a hideous stench as some beetles and earwigs do? Or would you make like a possum and play dead?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:36 AM

Well, there's also palming, seconds, shiners, and a whole bunch of other things that reduce or eliminate risk in games of cards.

Unless you get caught, when the risk goes way, way up and there's not a lot you can do then to reduce the risk of pain of one sort or another. I know this, 'cause I read a lot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 10:04 AM

Amos, may I add that you are undoubtedly the best and nicest well poisonin', jury subornin', hay burnin', brand changin', claim jumpin, backdoorin', water hole drainin', cattle shootin', fish poisonin', beer waterin', guy I've ever known who usually sings on key even if his guitar is in another?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 10:40 AM

And he has great taste in ties!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 10:43 AM

Obviously, I have become a legend in my own time. This is terribly heartwarming, but it gives the self-critical side of my personality a certain schadenfreude as it forces me to live with being badly misunderstood.

a


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 12:48 PM

You fellas are getting off to a good start in the new year, I see!

Me, I've been pulling wires to rewire the computer connections and phones in the house. You boys just keep shooting the breeze while MOM and me work around the house. Don't kick that step stool out of the way, I had trouble reaching it last time I climbed down from the attic.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 12:56 PM

Well, the solution is simple: either stay there or jump down.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 01:00 PM

I am pleased you are getting so much strenuous exercise, Ma'am. I do think you should get a Mac. We don't do registries. Or, at least, we do them in a more robust and less intrusive manner./


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 01:12 PM

Linux beats the poo out of any Mac OS.

Of course, 'most anything beats Windows...DOS, PCDOS...anything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 01:18 PM

SIlly wabbit. Linux and the Mac OS are close cousins, both being near variants of BSD Unix.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 01:26 PM

Yes, I know. I also know that Bill Gates ripped off Unix to create DOS, but filed of the serial numbers and gave us the / instead of the \ that god intended.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 02:16 PM

Actually, not so--he bought QDOS (Quick and Dirty Operating System) from the coder outright, IIRC and built his early PCDOS therefrom. It has a very different approach to file structures and a different BIOS than UNIX.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 03:43 PM

Too bad Gary Kildall was being stubborn and didn't answer his phone when Bill Gates originally called about HIS operating system. It is my understanding that Kildall's CP/M was a much better and more stable system than the one Gates ended up with.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 03:56 PM

Ah, CP/M. How I remember ye olde dayse!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 04:00 PM

Ah, yes' our old Eagle used CP/M


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 04:37 PM

PIP *.* a; b:, old boy!!

It is also a pity that the self-important young yuppies at SofTech, who owned all the rights to the UCSD p-System, were so short-sighted. If they had offered IBM a decent deal, Microsoft never would have become the OS Oligarch of the world. But they wanted a buck a copy. So IBM went to Bill.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 04:53 PM

Back when I started with computers we had a fairly unique input: you had to paint your input on the wall of the cave and it would concatenate the result and provide an error wall. This allowed you to fix the problems. The BIG problem, then as now, was access: all that running from Lascaux to Altamira was tiresome to say the least. Back in those days, "Home Computer" meant just that: your home WAS your computer. The OS itself consisted of men missing their "stones" (this was, after all, the Neolithic) and was called "Eunuchs."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 04:58 PM

That's right--Bill Gates was the competition, IBM was the PC leader. And Kildall ignored IBM. What a different place it might have been!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 07:00 PM

"To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn(e)
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action."


Omelette, a Tragedy in n-1 Acts


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 08:22 PM

Let it not be said that we, who strive for excellence in the house of MOAB, are poorly descended or in any way wanting in the Merits of our Forebears. In evidence of which, I append hereunto the words on this topic by none other than B. Franklyn, Printer and Almanack Maker of Philadelphia.

"In the next Place, I lay it down as a certain Maxim or Position, that an Almanack-Writer shou'd not be a finish'd Poet, but a Piece of one, and qualify'd to write, what we vulgarly call Doggerel; and that his Poetry shou'd bear a near Resemblance to his Prose. I must beg Horace's and my Lord Roscommon's Pardon, if I dissent from them in this one particular. I will give you their Rule in my Lord's English Translation, and save myself the Trouble of transcribing the Latin of Horace.

But no Authority of Gods nor Men
Allow of any Mean in Poesy."

This might for all I know be a Rule for Poetry among the Ancients, but the Moderns have found it troublesome, and the most of them, have wholly neglected it for that Reason. Witness the Authors Verses, whose Praise I am now celebrating, December 1736.

Now is my 12 Months Task come to conclusion,
Lord free us from Hatred, Envy and Confusion.
All are not pleas'd, nor never will i'th' main.
Fewds and Discords among us will remain.
Be that as 'twill, however I'm glad to see,
Envy disappointed both at Land and Sea.


I do not pretend to say, that this is like the Poetry of Horace, or Lord Roscommon, but it is the Poesy of an Astrologer; it is his own and not borrowed; It is occult and mysterious. It has a due Degree of that Sort of Gravity, which I have mentioned: In short, it is form'd upon the Rules which I have laid down in this short Essay.

I could further prove to you, if I was to go about it, That an Almanack-Writer ought not only to be a Piece of a Wit, but a very Wag; and that he shou'd have the Art also to make People believe, that he is almost a Conjurer, &c. But these Things I reserve for my greater Work, and in the mean time, until that appears, I desire to remain,

Sir,
Sept. 27. 1737. Your very humble Servant,
PHILOMATH.

The Pennsylvania Gazette, October 20, 1737"



Humbly tendered to my cousins in BS,


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 10:03 PM

Amos, I am posting this (tho' I did not write it) because you haven't suffered enough:

Some years back, when the Oakland A's were still in Kansas City,
my dad took me to a baseball game. I don't remember who the visiting
team was but I do remember the pitcher - Melvin Randolph Phamey.
Well, anyway, it was the bottom of the ninth, the bases were loaded,
and Kansas City was behind by three runs with two outs.

Suddenly, a strange little man jumped up in the front row and began
to chant. Quickly, people near him joined in and, soon, the entire
stadium was thundering with his chant. I guess that the noise got to
the opposing pitcher and he walked in a run. The chant continued.
Another run was walked in. The opposing manager was at wits end for he had used up his entire bullpen and was forced to go with this pitcher. Another run walked in. The chant continued. Finally, the winning run came in on base on balls.

To this very day in Kansas City, the chant that was sung that day is
known as, "The cheer that made Mel Famey walk us."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 11:02 PM

You remind me of a moose, Rapaire. Specifically the loser in the "gather up stones in your antlers to prove you love me" contest set by a lady moose to two suitors in order to settle their suit. They had from sunrise to sunset to gather all the stones they could carry and fetch them back and drop them at her feet. Not an easy trick for a moose, you will allow.

Annyhoo, the first suitor asshowed up with four or five he had scraped up into his antlers, and he was exhausted just from that. They waited and waited. Finally after a few hours, the second suitor showed up bleeding, bruised and limping, and with no stones to show for his effort.

Of course, the lady was concerned and asked him what had happened to him, and he explained that he had gotten lots of stones--more than his competitor!--and was just starting to come back down the mountain with them, when one of them fell out of its perch in his antlers, landed on his toe, and made him trip. He fell so hard he started careening down the mountain side, his various stones flying around him.

"And as you know," he explained, "a rolling moose gathers no stones."

Are we even now?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 11:20 AM

Sheriff Lorin Neilson, sheriff of Bannock County, and some of his deputies finally caught the guy who'd stolen one of the County Commissioners horses last week. The horse, which was a much-loved roan, was used by the Commish when he was a full-time rancher and more recently was used to teach his grandkids to ride. They were darned glad to get the horse back but were appalled to learn that the thief had been trying to use the horse to steal other horses. Sheriff Neilson is said to have comforted the Commish by reminding him that "a stolen roan gathers no horse."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 12:19 PM

Wal, one time this crazy dream came to me....

Seems we had kidnapped an Italian terrorist and were locking him up in a stone hut high in the mountains, to convince him to talk, see. He had no sense of humor. We tried hot splinters, threats to his children, waterboarding, everything. He wouldn't talk. He told us how sorry we would be for messing with him when his buddies back in Italy found out who had snatched him. So, we decided to give him some time in solitary in this stone cabin why high up in the Rockies. We locked him in there with nothing but a Japanese transistor radio, some food and water. Didn't tell him we aimed to come back either.

So we were making our way down the long winding dirt trail back toward civilization. The Sergeant suddenly slapped his forehead and said we had to go back. Said we shouldn't have left him with that cheap transistor radio. What if he had some kind of inspiration and managed to reverse-engineer it as a transmitter to tap out code to alert his SIcilian friends to us? It could mean real trouble!

I said, "Don't worry about it, Fred. He's not the type to have an inspiration. You know perfectly well that a stony Roman kindles no Morse."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:03 PM

I was at the University with British chap named Andrew Tesing-Ryde. His family was some sort of minor nobility, but like so many others now had only dreams of past glory. Andy (who had gone to someplace like Oxbridge or Camford for his AB) was proud of his family's history, of course (one of his great-grandmothers had some connection with Edward V) but he also knew that he had to do his own part to continue the Family Honour. He was a good student, studying physical chemistry and that's NOT an easy road by any means. But Andy seemed to slip more and more into The Past, even going so far as to have his family coat of arms tattooed on his left shoulder.

You can imagine my dismay when one day I read that he'd been arrested for molesting women in the University Park! Apparently he'd snapped and ran through the Park kissing every woman he saw, including the policewoman who'd arrested him.

At the hearing he wore the blazer with his family's coat of arms on the pocket and when the judge asked him what in the heck he thought he was doing, Andy simply replied, "Your honour, A. Tesing-Ryde sifts all lips."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 06:06 PM

Sorry I was away so long, MOM, and you had to listen to so much more of this doggerel. The modedm died again and I had to run new wires to the modem from up in the attic and found my contractor took a little shortcut when he put in the cables--he ran them sideways through a stud down near the junction box.

I'll repair the hole in the wall later.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 06:34 PM

I think it worthy of note that on January 3, 1719, Lt. Maynard of the Royal Navy sailed into the port for Williamsburg, VA with the head of Edward "Blackbear" Teach slung under the bowprit of his ship.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 09:39 PM

That should have been "Blackbeard", not "Blackbear". As far as I know there was never a pirate called "Blackbear", although the semi-fearsome "Bleakbeard" spread terror among several uninhabited islands.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 10:20 PM

Maynard was the I/C of the mission that laid Edward Teach low--not his cousin Blackbear Teach, who was a fur trader up in the Colorado Rockies at the time.

Rapaire, your very names strike terror in the heart of uninhabited places.

To save space, here are a few punch lines. You may tailor the back stories to fit your own perfervid imaginings:

"You should never change streams in the middle of a horse."
"People who live in grass houses shouldn't steal thrones."
"Absinthe made thee, Hargrove Fonda...".
"I wanted to learn if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother...".

and of course the ultimate punch line:

"Goodness no...he wasn't that shaggy."

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:05 AM

Good lines, Amos!

Blackbear Teach. There's a story there, I think.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:52 AM

Hi Mom and Sibs,

Just bumbling in without doing one thing to catch up or join the "flow."

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

Just got home from a nice trip to New York where we would have stayed longer and seen more of both the city and Long Island, but bad weather ran us off a day early and I have the prettiest, smartest, jolliest 7 month old great niece ever was and since we had to leave NY early we spent a day in Baltimore where we got to see what the back of other people's heads look like while they crowd around aquarium displays, and also got to see 4 bald eagles along the Susquehanna about three miles from dearly beloved Camp Ramblewood, and also took a quick tour of historic Petersburg, VA, and home in time this afternoon to actually unpack and do laundry, and watch a very young Mel Gibson in Gallipoli.

Whassup?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 02:20 AM

Good to hear from you, Janie! How's the new house and yard over the winter?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 10:50 AM

Okaaaaaaaaaay....

"Quick, write that down! It's a better name than Irving."

"Middle lamb, you've had a dizzy bey."

"Sorry, I'm afraid it will take jacks or better to open."

"Okay, now where's that Eskimo I'm supposed to wrassle?"

"Now can I have my dog back?"

"Right nut go UMGH! Left nut go UMGH! Rubber go UMGH! Right nut go KAPOW!"

"Just give me about ten yards of that fence."

"Well, no wonder! Crisco is shortening!"

"That's all right, Preacher. It's my leg you've been feeling."

"Your technique was fine, but the next time try it on a cow."

"Brace yourself, Harry."

"In a 1947 Kaiser?!?!?!?"

"Look, lady, I don't care WHO you know."

"I came home because I got dam sick."

"Me and Ma mortgaged the farm and sold the herd so you could git four years of college and you still say 'ain't'!"

"George, I think it's pronounced 'keesh'."

"Damn kid had it under his coat."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 11:45 AM

Why hasn't Little Hawk been posting here lately?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 12:19 PM

Walk-in Blankout.

(Actually that's a good name for a character in a Mudcat Fiction thread, Walkin Blankout.)

It is the form of amnesia that occurs when the body is temporarily occupied by some other being.

No-one has ever identified and labeled it before this.

Please cite with due credit, especially Rapaire.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 12:25 PM

Perhaps he is ill? Depressed? In love? Dead?

We must get to the bottom of this.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 12:50 PM

Ooooo! Do you think Little Hawk is in love?

Is Winona in town?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:17 PM

Fed up? Born-again? Come to his senses? Reformed?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:36 PM

There is something vaguely grating about Little Hawk insisting that "we" must get to the bottom of a mystery he presents about himself. It is a subtle instance of what James Thurber called "The container within the thing contained".

Perhaps the right answer is "It's all bottom--mark the spot!"



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:40 PM

Yes. LOL! It could be a sign of advancing dementia. Split personality. Womenopause.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:43 PM

Okay. I'm decided I'm gonna go out to the coffee shop, have some chili, and ask if anyone there has seen me.

I'll report back in awhile and let you all know the latest startling developments.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:55 PM

Startling?


Unlikely.


Hey Mom!! I'm gonna ebug a DVD set u[p for Captain Morse and then finish a difficult chapter.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 02:18 PM

Hospitalized after being ruptured in the rapture of recognizing the remarkableness of Rapaire?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 03:07 PM

I'm back! Well, I didn't find out much. Just got some really strange looks from the people I asked. But the chili was good.


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