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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 10 Apr 09 - 10:54 AM
Acme 10 Apr 09 - 09:57 AM
Amos 10 Apr 09 - 09:46 AM
Rapparee 10 Apr 09 - 08:51 AM
Rapparee 09 Apr 09 - 11:14 PM
Rapparee 09 Apr 09 - 11:08 PM
Amos 09 Apr 09 - 10:42 PM
Acme 09 Apr 09 - 10:30 PM
Rapparee 09 Apr 09 - 09:39 PM
Amos 09 Apr 09 - 08:50 PM
Amos 09 Apr 09 - 07:19 PM
Acme 09 Apr 09 - 03:47 PM
Amos 09 Apr 09 - 03:01 PM
Amos 09 Apr 09 - 11:53 AM
Rapparee 09 Apr 09 - 07:41 AM
Acme 08 Apr 09 - 11:57 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 09 - 10:39 PM
Acme 08 Apr 09 - 05:04 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 09 - 03:02 PM
Amos 08 Apr 09 - 02:45 PM
Amos 08 Apr 09 - 02:39 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 09 - 02:38 PM
Amos 08 Apr 09 - 01:53 PM
Amos 08 Apr 09 - 10:38 AM
Acme 08 Apr 09 - 10:36 AM
Rapparee 08 Apr 09 - 10:11 AM
Rapparee 07 Apr 09 - 10:08 PM
Amos 07 Apr 09 - 04:42 PM
Little Hawk 07 Apr 09 - 04:13 PM
Rapparee 07 Apr 09 - 03:23 PM
Amos 07 Apr 09 - 10:55 AM
Rapparee 07 Apr 09 - 10:04 AM
Amos 07 Apr 09 - 09:40 AM
Amos 07 Apr 09 - 08:55 AM
Rapparee 07 Apr 09 - 08:52 AM
Amos 07 Apr 09 - 07:56 AM
Janie 07 Apr 09 - 12:46 AM
Amos 07 Apr 09 - 12:42 AM
Acme 06 Apr 09 - 11:28 PM
Amos 06 Apr 09 - 10:50 PM
Amos 06 Apr 09 - 10:23 PM
Rapparee 06 Apr 09 - 10:03 PM
Janie 06 Apr 09 - 08:08 PM
Amos 06 Apr 09 - 07:52 PM
Rapparee 06 Apr 09 - 07:11 PM
Amos 06 Apr 09 - 05:33 PM
Amos 06 Apr 09 - 03:45 PM
Rapparee 06 Apr 09 - 02:57 PM
Amos 06 Apr 09 - 12:27 PM
Amos 06 Apr 09 - 10:23 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 09 - 10:54 AM

Oh, immensely!!! :D

THis is indeed a surprising development!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Apr 09 - 09:57 AM

We talked about the weather. Does that help?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 09 - 09:46 AM

At this rate, you will end up finding Little Hawk, mon vieux. You are clearly at least in the same frame of mind...




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 09 - 08:51 AM

Or the time when you were in port in Basel during the cigarette-smuggling deal and Interpol was just outside the door when you tied the bedsheets together and climbed down two stories? And how it was a six-story building? And how you realized that even so you should have tied the bedsheet rope to something other than your own ankle?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 11:14 PM

Oh, I didn't mention that business in Tahiti you told me about. The one with the goat, the first mate, and the treacle? You remember -- you showed me the warrant for your arrest? You said you were lucky to get out of that sticky situation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 11:08 PM

Envy ill becomes you, Amos. I've met Stilly and you haven't. Would you like to know of what we spoke? Are you certain sure?

Well, we talked about you. We carefully explored every facet of what passes for your character and then we spent ten or twelve seconds covering your good qualities. I explained that you were NOT laying drunk in the gutter every day, that you have kept a job for as long as thirty days and only lost it because your sentence was up, and that you only sold dirty postcards in schoolyards because you didn't understand the subject matter.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 10:42 PM

Hmmm--their mutual protestations of innocence are very suspicious....



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 10:30 PM

Amos, you know that when he's flying his arms get tired and he can't type at the same time anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 09:39 PM

Could he have flown home and just gotten back now?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 08:50 PM

It's kind of odd--here Rapaire was cutting class to pound away on his laptop, right up to the evening he had dinner with Stilly, and all of a sudden, silence. Could she have slipped him a mickey?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 07:19 PM

Sure, sure!!

I just bid adieu to houseguests from far away to the East, who had flown out for a job interview and a vacation --we burned the late hours and tore through some vino turning over old childhood links and memories.


It's remarkable how much attention we have tied up in odds and ends from long ago, innit?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 03:47 PM

You wanna catch up on library chat, Amos?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 03:01 PM

With Stilly and Rapaire hung over from their hoopla, Mom is having a slow morning of it. Stilly, PDF will be fine for your secret notes on all subjects discussed. Name the file after a folk song and email it at your convenience.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 11:53 AM

Maybe if I use deodorant I can get him to settle on a paragraph.

Fortunately I am in good humour and low on bile. Be gratefyul for smalles blessynges!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 09 - 07:41 AM

Bruce -- no, not that I remember. I usually don't compare people to movie stars, mostly because I don't remember what movie stars look like.
Except for Kermit and that bunch. Bruce doesn't look anything like Kermit; he's not green for one thing, and right there is one good way to tell the difference between Bruce and Kermit.

Amos doesn't look like Animal, either, or at least not much, because Amos gets his hair cut, especially right after he's been arrested again. He gets a shower then, too. And his clothes are burnt and he's given new ones. But that only happens a couple times a year now. I understand that the jailer holds his mail between sentences. Or maybe not anymore -- I heard that the last time he was up before the Judge the Judge said, "The next time you're not getting a sentence. You're gonna get the whole book." So maybe Amos hasn't been in for a while.

Yes, last night was fun and you're welcome.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 11:57 PM

Yup. I'm back. Mom, you didn't need to wait up, but it was only 10:30. Actually, it was the dogs who waited up. There was this unearthly "we're dying out here!" kind of canine moan from the back porch and I realized I hadn't fed them before I left. That has been remedied.

Thank you for dinner, in case I forgot to say so. It was a very nice evening. Your sabre hardly rattled at all and your guns didn't make your fringe leather jacket look at all lumpy. Good to talk to Pat. (Did you really compare Bruce Murdock to Burt Lancaster?)

Only had one mild dragon to slay on the way home. :) Scraped him off at the stop before mine, at the inter-modal rapid transit station downtown. A sort of overly-friendly puppi-ish middle-aged guy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 10:39 PM

Done put Stilly on the train fer home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 05:04 PM

Headed out the door. How does he get so much writing in while he's at a convention? Sheesh. I must be doing something wrong. I'm working all day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 03:02 PM

Why shucks, Amos, I jist relate things that happened in my boyhood. Like the time the fog settled in. A real pea-souper, so thick we had to cut our way around using handsaws and sometimes a hammer and chisel. Even that was better'n down by the river, where they has to blast. We saved the fog chunks we cut out and put them in the root cellar; grandma just added a bit of ham hock later and we had some of the best pea soup you ever et. Thick! Why, the steamboat "Belle Of Meyer" made a wrong turn and road prit near to Camp Point afore'n the fog lifted and left her stranded in Butch Lykes' soybean field. Ol' Butch used 'er for storin' corn on the Texas deck and used the main deck for raisin' hogs. She finally sank in the Great Madrid Earthquake of 1969 -- earth opened up below 'er and swallered 'er whole except for the pilot house. Butch had just gotten all the farrows and gilts out and the corn out too, so he wasn't out much. He turned the pilot house into the gaudiest outhouse you can imagine.

Last time I was out around Camp Point it was still there, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 02:45 PM

What a tale!! Wow!!! Someone should send it to Kendall--he could record it with his dry Downeast accent and stretch it into an hour-long story. How clever our Rapaire is to come up with these things!! How blessed are we to be the happy, innocent--nay, ingenuous!-- recipients of such limpid literary largesse!!!!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 02:39 PM

A mysterious benefactor has just done his bit to revitalize the economy by buying airline tickets to Dallas for Annabelle, Cindy, Mary Lou, Chinga, Fairborn, Sykes, and the Parisian poet Tournville Plein des Pētes Mauvaises and made reservations for them at a certain venue for dinner. It promises to be a most interesting evening when they all notice the party at the next table.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 02:38 PM

Not me. I remember one time going out rabbit hunting. We were poor, really poor, and I have only one bullet that I'd inherited from my father -- "Son," he said with his dying breaths, "son, use this when times are really tough." So I had just the one bullet and times were really, really tough. We'd eaten the wolf at our door, we'd mortgaged the wall we had our back to, and we'd eaten our last grain of rice (split six ways) the night before.

So there I was, out with my father's old .30-30 and .22 bullet he'd given me as he lay dying. Every time I tried to load the rifle the bullet slid right down the barrel, being much smaller in diameter than the barrel. But I knew I had to Do Right by my father's dying wish.

All day I searched for game and then, as the sun was setting, I saw a rabbit sitting at the foot of an old tree. I took aim and threw Dad's Bullet at it -- and missed. However, the bullet struck a rock and went off, shooting a squirrel at the top of the tree instead. As it fell to earth the squirrel's body hit a limb upon which a flock of wild turkeys were resting. The limb split and the turkeys' feet were caught in the crack. That limb broke off and fell, hitting an 18-point buck deer that was behind the tree, killing it dead. The rabbit was so frightened by all this that it jumped straight up and hit a knobby old stub of branch, killing itself and knocking off the stub, from the hole of which wild honey started to drip. Wading across the creek to collect the game my overalls filled up with catfish and trout and I danged near drowned.

That's how I took a rabbit, a squirrel, eight wild turkeys, a big buck deer, 11 good-sized brook trout and three 15 pound catfish without firing a shot or wetting a line. We also took 150 pounds of wild honey out of the tree and sold the wax for $10.00, which gave us just enough money to pay the mortgage that month.

That was the year of funny weather. I remember that the thunderstorms were so localized that year that my brother left out a double-barreled shotgun one night and the next morning we found one of the barrels plumb full of rainwater and the other bone dry.

Yessir, those were the days. Taught me never to waste ammo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 01:53 PM

SOme people spend bullets like they was water, I swan.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 10:38 AM

IT was lucky for you the Germans were using kindergartners who didn't know the "pointy end forward" rule, or your bullet would never have reached the fuze.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 10:36 AM

I guess the answer to the unasked question is that Rap has a wireless laptop with him, the hotel has WiFi, and he's skipping a lot of meetings so he can sit in the hall and keep MOAB company.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 10:11 AM

I should clarify my last post.

It was one of several spent bullets. I did not carry several bibles or have several breast pockets. I still have that bible and there are still several spent bullets in it. Oddly enough, they are all from bullets fired from our type of rifle. The same is true of those lodged in the back of my helmet and in my backpack. Odd how the enemy was using our weapons against us.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 10:08 PM

That's true, Amos. I am haunted to this very day. And actually I timed shooting down the barrel of the 88 so that my bullet would impact the fuze of the shell just before they closed the breech. And it wasn't a .45 -- I used a spent bullet that had lodged in the bible in my breast pocket (one of several) propelled by a rubber band I happened to have handy. MacArthur himself gave me a medal for it, but I refused it, saying that anyone could and would have done the same.

Sure, if that tank had gotten through it would have probably plugged the gap through with Our Boys were pouring and the entire invasion would have been in vain. But I was only doing my duty for God, Country, and the memory of the sweet kiss Linda bestowed on me when I left.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 04:42 PM

Rapaire has confessed by PM, that he was trapped in a hard spot between the wall of a shelled French farmhouse and the business end of a Panzer tank moving toward him at an awful clip, with no way out and no cover in sight. He was sure he was about to end his young llife, and as what there was of it flashed before his eyes the one image that loomed up brighter than all the rest was the sweet, long, dreamy kiss he'd received on parting from Chinga in Chicago. Then, in desperation as the long Panzer cannon swerved toward him to wipe him off this mortal coil, he took a chance and fired his Army issue .45 down the long and hungry barrel of the loaded Panzer cannon, exploding the chambered shell and destroying everyone inside.

But the memory of Chinga still haunts him to this day.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 04:13 PM

You'd remember even longer if it had been Chongo who kissed you.

Or William Shatner.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 03:23 PM

I saved Amos' life today, Mom. I jumped on a grenade that landed right between us. Amos had dropped it; fortunately it still had the pin in nice and tight and the lever taped down and it was still in the shipping can and there wasn't any detonator in it.

I should get a medal for such heroism, but I probably won't. If I am awarded such I'll decline, and say, "Just doing my duty. Anybody would have done the same thing."

I do so wish Amos would be more careful with his toys.

Tell Cindy I still remember our tender, yet bittersweet, parting kiss.

R


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 10:55 AM

No, no-one. Why you ask?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 10:04 AM

Anyone notice the subtle way I set it up so Amos could get 28500?

I'm suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a nice fellow.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 09:40 AM

Now 28 and five I claim,
In noble MOAB's honored name
And if we post five hundred more,
Than 29 of K we score!!
Lord, won't that be a mighty day?
To claim the 29 of K?
The bells will ring, the children shout,
And doubters all will be run out.
Another K, would suit our ends,
Of glory, BS, Mom, and friends.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 08:55 AM

Someone needs to tell Stilly about Beth Ann before the interrogation starts...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 08:52 AM

I've gotten through the first day, Mom. They shelled us pretty heavy but so far I've gotten by okay. Oh, I got a little scratch from a thorn bush but it was nothing. Didn't even bleed. But I'm afraid casualties will be heavy before all of this is done.

I got into a little tussle with three of the enemy around 1400 but I came away victorious; they ran away like the whipped curs they are. And last night they tried a human wave attack, but I beat them back with two empty beer bottles. I holed up and got some sleep in spite of the constant shelling and even the occasional gas attack.

Chow will be here soon, I hope, or maybe I'll just eat some rations. Anyway, today I'm going back into the fray. And I'm doing this for YOU, Mom, and for the kids down the road, and for all that is good and pure and true. And especially for Beth Ann -- I still treasure that pure and simple kiss she placed on my check before I left home to Do My Duty.

Mom, if for some reason I don't make it, Amos can have my collection of cigar butts. He's always wanted them.

The Light Of Your Life,
Your Son,
R


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 07:56 AM

Well, he probably carries one of the gas masks left over from Verdun, ya know, just in case that llifetime springs to the fore...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 12:46 AM

It might be prudent to carry a hanky soaked in chloroform in a ziplock bag, just in case you have to subdue him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 12:42 AM

Well, be sure and face him with those burning questions. Can't let him tapdance his way out of it, now...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 11:28 PM

I printed out the train schedule. I'll probably ride over and back, save the nonsense of driving in Dallas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 10:50 PM

Does Mrs. Rapaire know about Mary Lou? About Annabelle? Do they know about each other? Are you sure you want to have dinner with this man? He might be a cad.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 10:23 PM

As a veteran plagiriast, sirrah, you should have learned the difference between quoting and stealing. Credit goes where credit 'tis due. Pffffft.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 10:03 PM

By G-d, now he's stealing from himself!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 08:08 PM

I tip my hat to you, sir. You've outdone even yourself!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 07:52 PM

Subject: RE: BS: What's Wrong With the BS???
From: Amos - PM
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 07:42 PM

It was decreed in days of yore,
When chaos reigned the lowlands o'er
And many a good post ended dead
That all BS go in one thread.

This bold decree, both brave and new
Was offered up by King Khandu
And this wise gem that Khandu offered
Was seized upon by Lord Joe Offer.

"I worship at your feet, Khandu!"
Joe Offer said. And thus we knew,
The Mudcat Clique had answered "Yes"
And blessed the Mom of All BS.

So since that day, when BS lags,
And fiery threads all seem to sag,
Abandon them, and every other!
And find your solace in our Mother!!

For men may sing and men may sin,
Fads will go out, and new come in,
Posters will err, and ne'er confess,
But in the world of True BS

Nothing more sacred ye will find
Nor trove a purer BS line,
Quality finer than spun Gold
Is the BS our Mother holds.

Turn ye from lesser threads away.
Come to the house of Mom to play!
There you well welcome be, and view
Only BS that's round, and true!

Full deep, full rich, and fully packed
Lacking no hue, nor hewing no lack!
All you need do is whisper, "Yes!"
Come home to the Mom of All BS.


Tournville Plein des Pētes Mauvaises
Chansons de Ma Mere Vraie
Paris, 1949


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 07:11 PM

Yes, it's just as good as Fairbairn & Sykes on shooting, hand-to-hand combat, and knifework.

...All in my deperation
I stabbed him in his breast.
I killed a man for Flora
The Lily Of The West.


...Sergeant there is something that I haven't mastered yet.
I haven't got the hang of how to use the bayonet.
If he doesn't die at once, am I to stick him with it more?
Oh, I hope you will be patient for I've never killed before.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 05:33 PM

h, yes. The inventory of lethal adversarial worldviews. Applegate's book "Kill or Get Killed" (FMFRP 12-80) is available as a 17.5MB PDF download on various sites. Sigh.

He's five foot-two, and he's six feet-four,
He fights with missiles and with spears.
He's all of thirty-one, and he's only seventeen,
Been a soldier for a thousand years.

He'a a Catholic, a Hindu, an Atheist, a Jain,
A Buddhist and a Baptist and a Jew.
And he knows he shouldn't kill,
And he knows he always will,
Kill you for me my friend and me for you.

And he's fighting for Canada,
He's fighting for France,
He's fighting for the USA,
And he's fighting for the Russians,
And he's fighting for Japan,
And he thinks we'll put an end to war this way.

And he's fighting for Democracy,
He's fighting for the Reds,
He says it's for the peace of all.
He's the one who must decide,
Who's to live and who's to die,
And he never sees the writing on the wall.


Don't mind me. I'm probably a latent pinko commie hippie faggot bastard, you know... ;>)


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 03:45 PM

Dear God, now he's being his past life as Peter Roget, British 19th century physician... Gawd save us if he regresses to Harvey, or worse, Galen of Pergamum...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 02:57 PM

Amos, Amos, Amos. This is a library conference. We don't have sabers here.


























Bolos, Bowie knives, stilettos, dirks, Arkansas toothpicks, rondels, saxes, krisses, smatchets, Ka-bars, Fairbairn-Sykes, Fairbairn-Applegate...yes. But no sabers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 12:27 PM

Well, Still, be sure to have those memorized when you walk into the restaurant so he doesn't get all excited and pull his saber out and waggle it at you...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 10:23 AM

IfF you have not gone to the theater and watched SLum Dog Millionaire may I recommend heartily that you so do? As flawed as it is it is a beautiful movie.


A


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