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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 12 Apr 15 - 05:46 PM
Little Hawk 12 Apr 15 - 05:12 PM
gnu 12 Apr 15 - 03:22 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Apr 15 - 02:38 PM
Little Hawk 12 Apr 15 - 02:26 PM
Rapparee 12 Apr 15 - 02:20 PM
Rapparee 12 Apr 15 - 02:18 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 12 Apr 15 - 02:17 PM
Acme 12 Apr 15 - 01:57 PM
Rapparee 12 Apr 15 - 01:42 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Apr 15 - 05:59 AM
Little Hawk 12 Apr 15 - 02:34 AM
Little Hawk 12 Apr 15 - 02:30 AM
Rapparee 12 Apr 15 - 01:51 AM
Amos 12 Apr 15 - 01:02 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Apr 15 - 11:05 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Apr 15 - 09:26 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Apr 15 - 09:12 PM
Rapparee 11 Apr 15 - 08:08 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Apr 15 - 01:37 PM
gnu 11 Apr 15 - 12:46 PM
Rapparee 11 Apr 15 - 10:28 AM
Acme 10 Apr 15 - 10:25 PM
gnu 10 Apr 15 - 09:07 PM
Rapparee 10 Apr 15 - 06:36 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Apr 15 - 05:05 PM
gnu 10 Apr 15 - 05:02 PM
Amos 10 Apr 15 - 04:30 PM
Rapparee 10 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Apr 15 - 04:20 PM
Rapparee 10 Apr 15 - 03:12 PM
Acme 10 Apr 15 - 12:23 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Apr 15 - 11:01 AM
Rapparee 10 Apr 15 - 10:03 AM
gnu 10 Apr 15 - 09:05 AM
MMario 10 Apr 15 - 08:24 AM
Acme 10 Apr 15 - 12:22 AM
Rapparee 09 Apr 15 - 06:05 PM
gnu 09 Apr 15 - 05:58 PM
Amos 09 Apr 15 - 04:16 PM
gnu 09 Apr 15 - 11:25 AM
Rapparee 09 Apr 15 - 10:25 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 09 Apr 15 - 07:53 AM
Amos 09 Apr 15 - 01:46 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Apr 15 - 11:44 PM
GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll 08 Apr 15 - 10:42 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 15 - 09:21 PM
Amos 08 Apr 15 - 07:06 PM
Rapparee 08 Apr 15 - 06:24 PM
gnu 08 Apr 15 - 06:07 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 05:46 PM

Not to mention how busy he's gonna be when my "Eat a Chimp!" campaign goes viral on the interwebs...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 05:12 PM

gnu....you may think YOUR time is valuable, man, but consider how valuable Chongo's time is! He's a presidential candidate, a primate rights advocate, a simian celebrity, a courageous champion of the right of apes and humans to engage in holy (or secular) matrimony, AND a streetwise warrior in the ongoing battle against crime on the gritty streets of the Windy City, Chicago! He has to deal with gun mobs, drug dealers, shylocks, apeicidal gorillas, closet specists, B & E specialists, and shady ladies of little virtue so people like YOU can live in relative peace and safety. Match those credentials, mister. I know you can't. :)

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 03:22 PM

Oh dear me. The violence! I am distraught. Not that I have been traught for a while, given the incessant imaginary vitriol, though I do skip a lot of posts which I know are simply a waste of my valuable time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 02:38 PM

I'm thinking the tenderizing of the chimp would be best accomplished by beating it for an hour or so with an extra heavy meat tenderizer mallet. Whether the beating should be done pre- or post-mortem is a matter of personal taste, but the way I figure it is, why waste a bullet? If you're already going to beat the shit out of the thing, just let the hammer do the dispatching and tenderizing at the same time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 02:26 PM

Hmm. I think he's (Chongo is) quite possibly getting genuinely upset this time. This could lead to a bunch of broken furniture, some ugly scenes at Duffy's later tonight, and all kinds of possible mayhem. I'm glad I won't be there.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 02:20 PM

I didn't know! I was responding to SRS and I got my inheritance!!! Now my parents will rest easily, knowing that I've gotten what is coming to me.

Of course, I just copped my brother's....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 02:18 PM

Cheap wine and chlorine bleach, followed by a week-long soak in oxygen bleach. Run over the meat eight or ten times with a metal-lugged bulldozed (or ask your local tank outfit to oblige) for tenderizing, followed by about six months soak in vinegar and herbs. Sear in a pan of hot butter and garlic, and give to the hazmat team for proper disposal. Do NOT throw out or bury yourself! In fact, don't touch it without wearing a suit that's Ebola-safe. Incineration at temperatures greater than 3,500 degrees F. required.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 02:17 PM

You people are all gonna pay. Just wait. I would pity you for what is gonna happen to you in coupla short years, but you don't deserve my pity. As for you, Bee-Dub, you dumb witless jerk, we are gonna reserve the "special treatment" for you. You won't even be good material to use for dog food when it's over. I am talkin' scorched earth policy, gruntface! You will be reduced to a freakin' grease spot on the carpet! You will be ANNIHILATED!!!!!!!!

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 01:57 PM

Rather than contribute to poetic blarney, let me ask: does any of you have a really good marinade? I'd think this particular chimp would be tough and stinky, so you need to tenderize and deodorize simultaneously.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 01:42 PM

Marination, gentle marnination,
Marination, Chongo's is inside....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 05:59 AM

"Stuffed bonobo flambé"? NO! We don't eat bonobos, only common chimps! Bonobos are way cooler than Pan troglodytes.

If Chongo were a bonobo, he wouldn't be such an asshole. He'd get laid regularly and wouldn't need to resort to all the tough-guy posturing that makes him such a jerk. He'd live in Marin County instead of Chicago. He'd smoke sensemilla instead of drinking rotgut whiskey. He'd spend summer weekends surfing and winter vacations skiing at Tahoe. He'd eat sushi! If Chongo were a bonobo, I would vote for him for president!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 02:34 AM

"All these reasons to do it, and not one to not!"

LOL!!! You are a poetic genius, Amos!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 02:30 AM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Almost rolling on the floor here. Great poetry, folks!

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 01:51 AM

Eat a chimp
Eat a chimp
All the world
Loves a chimp

You can braise, fry, or poach
Serve it with truffles on toast
With crumpets at tea
Or in a slow oven, cook it with brie.

Eat a chimp
Eat a chimp
All the world
Loves a chimp

All the crowd will come over
To share chimp and plover
Or stuffed bonobo flambe
Or even ground Pan troglodytes fromage.

Eat a chimp
Eat a chimp
All the world
Loves a chimp

even with ketchup....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Apr 15 - 01:02 AM

Oh your pate de fois is sure dandy and fine
And duck a l'orange, with appropriate wine
But if youre seeking a meal that will rattle your mind
Eat a chimp!

You can braise boulognon til the cows start to spoon
And dine on fine cheeses sent straight from Rangoon
But for sauce that will send you straight over the moon,
Eat a chimp!

There's nothing quite like it for texture and smell
ANd a faint overtone of a dingly dell!
IF you need to delight the young gourmand from Hell,
Eat a chimp!

You can stew him or fry him, serve him cold, serve him hot!
You can simmer his bones in a three-day crock pot!
All these reasons to do it, and not one to not!
For a family reunion, it will please the whole lot!
Eat a chimp!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Apr 15 - 11:05 PM

And you, needless to say, are next on the list, Bee-Dub.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Apr 15 - 09:26 PM

Let's hear it for chimpanzee meat!
For barbecue, it can't be beat!

Fillet mignon just can't compete
With chimpanzee broiled on low heat!

It's sumptuous and oh so sweet,
And really, really good to eat!

And you can feed the hands and feet
To Fido. They're his favorite treat!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Apr 15 - 09:12 PM

So, you admit to murderin' an innocent Chimp, do you? Well, yer gonna pay for it, mister. There ain't no place you can run and no place you can hide. You will be hunted down and exterminated like worthless, specist vermin.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 15 - 08:08 PM

Went cowboy shooting today and did pretty well. We only shot three course of fire because some of the shooters were sick -- probably the "stomach flu" that's been around here. I did okay, not the top and not the bottom, but I've never missed with a shotgun and haven't missed with rifle in the last six months or so. But a really exciting thing happened: a chimpanzee showed up and we had barbeque after all. The cowboys were relieved!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Apr 15 - 01:37 PM

Yeah, guns! Terrible things! There sure never was any trouble in the world till those stinkin' guns came along, was there? No sir. And you can't trust ANYONE who owns a gun! Why, they all oughta be shot, that's what I say. Right, Rap? This is why I always carry a loaded gun and a LOT of extra ammo everywhere I go, coz I know there are all those nutcases out there who own and carry guns and I gotta be prepared to blow 'em away the moment they present a threat, right? It don't take a degree in rocket science to figger out these things, you just need a little common sense...and a gun. Preferably several guns. And maybe a bulletproof vest.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Apr 15 - 12:46 PM

8C, sun/cloud and WINDY. The snow is melting! The snow is melting!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 15 - 10:28 AM

If the cars are from the 'hood she could fix the problem permanently by caulking the gas cap/door with a tube of industrial-strength superglue. Even better is to find the car unlocked and the ignition switch unguarded when you just happen to have you superglue with you. These things also would well on motorcycles.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 10:25 PM

I finally joined a neighborhood newsletter forum, but have regretted it almost from the moment I hit the "send" button. People with small ideas and who eschew knowledge about the world around them. People who want to kill snakes and June bugs, and one cretin who wants to sell us her funeral insurance policies. I reported her as inappropriate. What's the point of being on one of these lists if you can't piss off a few people? They do it to me, so I do it back.

MOM doesn't join this kind of list, she just sits on the porch with her .22 rifle and shoots out the brake lights of cars that drive by and piss her off. Fix the muffler or get a ticket for having a brake light out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 09:07 PM

Ever try to throw a skeeter into a web? I never did. One night, Lewis showed me it can't be done. I never did try it. Just watched Lewis show me it can't be done. Odd eh? I mean, I hate skeeters but I wouldn't do that even if I could, which I can't on accounta you can't throw skeeters into a web. Ya just can't. Somehow, they don't get "caught". Even if ya could, I wouldn't. That would be kinda cruel eh? I'd sooner swat the little bastards.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 06:36 PM

More like spiders sitting silently and patiently in the middle of their web, waiting for the twitching of the strands that indicates that prey has met its fate.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 05:05 PM

My grandmother made pasty pottage from library paste and thin gruel. My sisters loved it, but I preferred Havoc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 05:02 PM

A good and true story. Thanks. I am cooking bacon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 04:30 PM

MWahahaha. Sly, mousy information mongers, tucked in their cocoons of data threads like iddy-widdy silkworms, pondering the guileless, sexless, sweatless and heartless collations of past pontifications. If these are indeed the secret rulers of the Universe, then the universe is a pretty thin gruel, a pasty pottage, a wan and waning whimper in the breast of a fallen Spirit.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM

"Librarians are the secret masters of the Universe. Don't ever piss one off."                --Spider Robinson


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 04:20 PM

Havoc? I was raised on Havoc! Went straight from mother's milk to 160 proof aged in the barrel Havoc. And the other 40 proof that wasn't Havoc was a fragrant mix of Desperation, Desolation, Deprivation and Destitution with a shot of Habanero pepper sauce for some added zing.

So, I'm not afraid of a little Havoc. But you can have that 52225 number anyway 'cause you were a Librarian and while Havoc, Desperation, Desolation, Deprivation and Destitution don't scare me, Librarians are another matter entirely.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 03:12 PM

Take refuge in the fact that you refuse to see yourself as refuse.

By the way, 52225 is mine. My parents long ago left it to me in their wills. We were poor and it was all they could leave me, their oldest and best looking and most intelligent child. My brothers got 52226 and 52227, respectively, and my sister was given 65556. So be aware that if I don't get 52225 my mommy and daddy will Wreak Havoc upon you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 12:23 PM

That's good, that you can refuse to see yourself as refuse.

Don't you love the English language?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 11:01 AM

IMO, the best way to prevent the ills of retirement is to become a working artist and sell your work at art fairs. You get the advantages of retirement (basically nobody besides yourself [and your SO] telling you what to do and when to do it) and the advantages of work (basically not feeling like a useless piece of refuse). Plus, you get to travel, associate with interesting people, and play music behind your booth if business is slow. Please note that the last item only applies to those who play reasonably quiet instruments. Bagpipers and trumpeters need not apply.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 10:03 AM

Don't, MMario. You'll be busier than ever AND you'll end up dealing with doctors, inhabiting hospitals, and trying to circumvent surgeons. Everyone will say, "Oh, he's retired so he isn't doing anything else" and even if you say NO!!! loudly and often you'll find that they are deaf.

Here's a better way: agree and make a botch of it. Then they won't ask you again and your life will be your own to do what needs to be done with the medical types (see above).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 09:05 AM

Goy my fingers crossed, SRS! My eyes are kinda crossed as well this AM. Those who play must pay, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 08:24 AM

Hi MOM! I haven't been around much to speak, but I have read through occasionally. Biggest thing in my life recently is that I have less then 540 days to retirement!

Not that I'm counting.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Apr 15 - 12:22 AM

Hey, MOM, I got more stuff planted in the garden this evening. And earlier I went for a job interview. This was the second one, a two-hour meeting with various folks. Keep your fingers crossed!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 15 - 06:05 PM

gnu, with those cigarette Amos left around you can do at least two things:

1. use the DNA in the saliva to clone Amos, and/or
2. do a crime (big one, worthwhile) and drop the butts at the scene so that the DNA evidence will point to Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 15 - 05:58 PM

Session tonight! Maybe. Last one was with Amos in two Augusts past. I have lubricated. I am well oiled. I may even attempt to play an instrument or two. And even sing! I shall point out to my guest Amos' empty cigarette package and butts in the ashtray in the living room as proof that Amos actually played a house concert here. Thanks again, Amos and your cousin, for visiting. This time, it is a cousin of mine so I shant clean the house like I had to do for your fancy ass, A.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 15 - 04:16 PM

The Siege of Montségur refers to the nine-month siege of the Cathar-held Château de Montségur by French royal forces starting in May 1243.[1] After the Castle surrendered, about 210 perfecti and unrepentant credentes were burned in a bonfire on 16 March 1244.[Wikipedia]

The slaughter at Bloody Falls was in the 1770's, however and could easily have involved guns.

Anyway, those days are well past, and now everyone wears mittens and loves kittens and would never do anything wicked if it weren't for those terrible guns.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 15 - 11:25 AM

I could tell ya a story about 20 ga Remington 1100s but I'll sum it up... rep gave 5 of em to Bro's skeet team. Started Friday eve. Saturday eve, they had enough parts to make one working gun. It may be still wrapped around a lamp post at the air base in Zweibrücken, Germany. That was back in the 60s. Yes, alcohol was involved.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 15 - 10:25 AM

oh no not guns they are awful and the cause of all the violence and evil in the world because people are intrinsically good and nice and never did anything bad until guns came along except for that thing at montsegur and at acre and the english thing at agincourt and thessolaniki and constantinople and yangzhou and crow creek and kugluktuk and whangaroa and midianites and other things and oh no not guns they are awful


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Apr 15 - 07:53 AM

Hi Mom! As you may have deduced, I have returned from the wilds of northeast Florida. In addition to participating in an art fair, my sisters an I spent two days clearing stuff out of my dad's house in preparation of selling it. (Dad's been in an assisted living facility for over a year now, and has finally admitted to himself that he's never moving back home and the house needs to be sold.) I brought home a bunch of guy stuff like tools, fishing rods, and guns*. Ironically, the one item in the household that I truly wanted to have was Dad's old pump action .22, but it could not be found. I suspect he took it outside to shoot a snake or armadillo and forgot to bring it back in. After two strokes, his memory is shot to hell. No point even asking him about it.


* The guns are not mine to keep. I'm supposed to sell them and transfer the money to Dad's bank account. If you're curious, they are a 12 ga Remington 1100 semi-automatic shotgun, a 12 ga Browning over-under, a 28 ga Browning over-under, and a S&W .38 Special revolver. I may keep the .38 to make up for the lost .22. The shotguns are pretty things, but I need them like a snake needs a walking stick.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 15 - 01:46 AM

Nice to see the colonials are carrying high the stern flame of British Civilized Conduct, yes indeed. Steam roller, indeed!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Apr 15 - 11:44 PM

Oh, I simply adore Mrs. Olive Whatnoll! Of all Little Hawk's manifestations of dissociative hysteria, she's the one I'd be least inclined to feed to an alligator if she were a real person and not a figment.

Well, actually, I wouldn't want to feed Penelope Rutledge to an alligator either. She might give the poor alligator indigestion. Better to just run her over with a steam roller.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 08 Apr 15 - 10:42 PM

I 'eard you was tykin' me name in vain, Rapparee, you bloody pillock! Wot's yer problem then? Gettin' a bit tetchy, are we? You lot talk too much in my opinion. If you was livin' on MY street I'd set you all straight, I would! Bloody yanks!

- Olive Whatnoll


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 15 - 09:21 PM

I refer you, Amos, the "The Dialogue Above The City" passim.in Martin Buber's Daniel. Yes, it is an early work but quite interesting in itself. You see, as Pierce Butler, in his Introduction of Library Science points out, it is not the place of a librarian to interpret data, but rather to simply preserve and present it so that conclusions can be drawn from it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 15 - 07:06 PM

WHen one lies buried under the avalanche of data for its own sake, one must run as fast as possible just to stay in the same place. Charles Lutwidge Dodgson knew this, Gautama knew this, even Harry Pa;mer knew this. But library-people just naturally drift with the cold smoke as it tumbles downslope around them, I guess--a hazard of the trade.

None of these things are a prime number, either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 15 - 06:24 PM

Converting from hexadecimal to decimal, E1C is 3612. 4L4 is 1012. E1C4L4 is 57796. 57796 is not an assigned ZIP code. None of these is a prime number.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 08 Apr 15 - 06:07 PM

No, I didn't. Nor do I care. I shall never have dibs on E1C 4L4 but without it, I would get mail very, very late.


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