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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 19 May 12 - 01:40 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 19 May 12 - 01:19 PM
Rapparee 19 May 12 - 12:10 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 19 May 12 - 02:20 AM
Amos 19 May 12 - 01:51 AM
Rapparee 18 May 12 - 10:54 PM
Rapparee 18 May 12 - 10:45 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 18 May 12 - 10:03 PM
Rapparee 18 May 12 - 09:53 PM
Little Hawk 18 May 12 - 06:23 PM
Rapparee 18 May 12 - 06:01 PM
Little Hawk 18 May 12 - 05:26 PM
Amos 18 May 12 - 03:25 PM
Acme 18 May 12 - 11:52 AM
Rapparee 18 May 12 - 10:16 AM
Amos 18 May 12 - 09:20 AM
Little Hawk 18 May 12 - 08:56 AM
Acme 17 May 12 - 11:49 PM
Rapparee 17 May 12 - 10:15 PM
Rapparee 17 May 12 - 10:14 PM
Little Hawk 17 May 12 - 10:07 PM
Rapparee 17 May 12 - 09:51 PM
gnu 17 May 12 - 07:18 PM
Acme 17 May 12 - 06:24 PM
Amos 17 May 12 - 04:57 PM
Acme 17 May 12 - 04:36 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 May 12 - 02:57 PM
Rapparee 17 May 12 - 02:40 PM
Rapparee 17 May 12 - 02:39 PM
Amos 17 May 12 - 12:56 PM
Little Hawk 17 May 12 - 10:12 AM
Amos 17 May 12 - 09:59 AM
gnu 16 May 12 - 03:02 PM
Amos 16 May 12 - 12:46 PM
Rapparee 16 May 12 - 10:55 AM
Acme 16 May 12 - 09:24 AM
Rapparee 16 May 12 - 12:08 AM
Acme 16 May 12 - 12:06 AM
Rapparee 16 May 12 - 12:02 AM
Little Hawk 15 May 12 - 11:00 PM
Rapparee 15 May 12 - 09:25 PM
gnu 15 May 12 - 06:30 PM
Little Hawk 15 May 12 - 06:08 PM
Amos 15 May 12 - 02:04 PM
Acme 15 May 12 - 01:32 PM
Amos 15 May 12 - 11:39 AM
Rapparee 15 May 12 - 10:31 AM
Eiseley 15 May 12 - 09:16 AM
Amos 15 May 12 - 08:30 AM
Rapparee 14 May 12 - 10:54 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 May 12 - 01:40 PM

I dozed off . . . where were we?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 19 May 12 - 01:19 PM

Nice try, buddy. Look, I wasn't born yesterday, and my Momma didn't get drunk every day when she was carryin' me neither. I have already done some investigatin', see? I already know a lot of that stuff you said, and the rest fits just right, so I think you were tellin' the truth. You did leave out the part about waterin' down the lemon juice when you were sellin' it on the sidewalk, so as to make bigger profits and take advantage of people's good intentions towards a little kid...but I can understand why you didn't mention that part, cos it's kind of embarrassin', right?

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 May 12 - 12:10 PM

How do you know??? I told you something that sounds like it might be true because it doesn't have the b'ar 'rasslin' stuff in it. It could be the cover story given to me by the CIA for Certain Work that I've done for them in the past.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 19 May 12 - 02:20 AM

Nice goin', Rap. I was expectin' you to invent a whole buncha bizarre macho stuff about wrasslin' grizzlies and catchin' bullets in yer teeth and ridin' artillerly shells to ground zero, and jumpin' off at the last moment to grab the enemy Chinese general by the throat, and other nutso tales....but instead, you told the truth.

Well, thanks. I been puttin' together a file on you, and you have just helped fill in a bunch of the blanks. Much appreciated. I'm not gonna tell ya what the file is for. You gotta wait and see.

Amos, you are like a slow drip. Just an annoyin', ugly little noise way off in the background, see? Whyncha give it up? I hardly think Rap needs yer help to defend himself. If he did, he'd be in seeerious trouble! It'd be like a lion callin' fer help from a mouse.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 May 12 - 01:51 AM

The difference being that the tombstones, the mortars, the mines and the bodybags and the libraries were all real, while Chongo's pursuit of feminine gams is entirely fictitious.

I am sure LH will reply, as he has of yore, that all life is fictitious, but some fictions are more fictitious than others. It's a function of agreement, with an exponent defined by affinity index. Since nobody really likes Chongo and he has never done anyone a good turn, the resultant fiction matrix value is very low for him, and therefore he is a pale, thin sorta fiction compared to Rapp. These things are all relative.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 May 12 - 10:54 PM

Sorry, Chumpo. You said fifty years.

1963: graduated from high school, enlisted in the National Guard, spent the rest of the year in Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training (Ft. Leonard Wood, Ft. Riley, respectively).

1964: worked, started college.

Ever make tombstones, Chumpo? By hand? And set them by hand? Ever had the only water available come from a well downhill from the graves? Ever worked in a cemetery where you could FEEL that you weren't wanted, that you should hurry up and finish and leave? I have.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 May 12 - 10:45 PM

Okay...

In 1965 I was busy fighting one of the biggest floods of the Mississippi River, as well as going full time to college.

1968: Nation Guard unit activated and goes to Chu Lai, Vietnam in support of the 1st Logistics Corps. I end up in Korea.

1969: I'm in Korea serving with Headquarters and Headquarters Company, 7th Infantry Division. As part of my duties I visit the DMZ several times and spend quite a bit of time "in the area." After we drove into a minefield I ground guided the truck back out in its own tracks -- to do this I had to get to the back of truck and out of it without my feet touching the ground. Another time I helped load some leaking body bags into an ambulance. There were other things. Came home, went back to college.

1970: Finished college, got discharged from the National Guard.

1971: Finished two semesters of graduate school and moved to outside Cleveland, OH.

1973: Got married.

1977: Finally finished graduate school and received an MS from Case Western Reserve University.

1978: Started on a second Master's at the University of Akron; did not finish it because they discontinued the program.

1984: Moved to South Bend, Indiana in February. Continued to work.

(I probably should mention that during this time I had been on an advisory board that set up international library borrowing links, among a bunch of other things.)

1991: Start a new position at the same place, running the computers among other things.

1997: Invited guest speaker at a meeting a Cambridge University, England.

2000: Moved to outside Cincinnati, OH.

2003: Moved to Pocatello, OH.

2010: Retired.

All I did was right some wrongs, remove some people, help people, drive Eiseley into grad school, and a bunch of stuff too technical for a stupid chimp to understand.

I should also point out that I am a dead shot with rifle, pistol, revolver, and shotgun. I've fired machine guns (sub- to Ol' Ma Deuce), mortars, recoilless rifles, and various such items. I've studied explosives and demolitions, thrown hand grenades, and in general made a nuisance of myself.

I've also been charged and cleared(when I was an MP, in 1968) with police brutality.

So, Chumpo...what have YOU done to help people?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 May 12 - 10:03 PM

You must be seriously lackin' in self-confidence, Rap, to hafta go practicin' character assassination on someone like me. What is it that makes you so insecure? I feel sad fer you. You must really be hurtin' inside.

But, hey....insteada runnin' ME down and wastin' yer breath on tryin' to destroy MY reputation, why not tell the world what YOU have done in the last 50 years or so?

What amazin' and incredible stuff have YOU done that's worth rememberin'? Hmmmm?

Let's hear it. The public wants to know. Stand up like a man and give us yer best shot.

(WARNIN' TO ALL! There is about to be some incredible boastin' happenin' on this thread! Get ready, folks. It will be bizarre, astoundin', and almost none of it will be true, so take a stiff drink and prepare yerselves. Rap is about to sound off...)

KREE-GAH!!! Ook! Ook! ;-D


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 May 12 - 09:53 PM

You mean the Case Of The Expired Parking Meter? Where Our Hero barely made it to the meter ahead of the parking meter ticket lady?

Or perhaps you refer to The Sordid Story Of Stolen Romance, where he managed to stop a woman who was leaving the store and had forgotten to pay for her "True Romances" magazine?

Or the Case Of The Empty Cigar Box, in which he found that he'd smoked his last cigar and had to go by a new box?

Or the Adventure Of The Evicted Tenant, where he couldn't pay his rent and got tossed out on the street?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 May 12 - 06:23 PM

Oh! What terrible calumnies! You know perfectly well that Chongo has cracked major cases involving murder, international espionage, and all kinds of stuff like that. Why, you can read about a couple of them right on this forum. I refer to the old Chongo Chimp adventure threads.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 May 12 - 06:01 PM

I didn't mean politically. I meant in general. Chumpo talks, talks, talks about his detective work but he's never said once what sort of work he does. Probably sordid tailings of wayward husbands or wives so the spouse can get the goods for a bigger divorce settlement. Nothing solid, like cracking a murder or something.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 May 12 - 05:26 PM

Well, Rap, I agree that he hasn't yet done anything...in presidential terms...or in political terms...but he can't really do anything until after he's been elected.

And that's why we need to vote in Chongo. ;-) Give him a real chance to abuse political power, bring deep shame upon his office, and squander human lives and material resources before condemning him for not yet doing so!!! This has been done with so many other USA presidents in the past, so why not Chongo? He deserves the chance to commit a massive amount of FTUBARecognition too!

****

Amos, I find your dismissive attitude toward Chongo to be insensitive, rude, and offensive in the extreme. You show no respect or consideration. This is poor behaviour on your part, and you are verging on specism. Let's see a little contrition for a change. A public retraction of your recent unfortunate utterances would be a step in the right direction. An even better step in the right direction would be to follow your own recent instructions, and see exactly where they take you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 May 12 - 03:25 PM

Oh the cocoanut is blooming
And the dandelion's waking
And the dogs are full of dandruff
And it's out your skin is breaking
Will you go, Stilly go?

While your heart is still in it
Go and ask the kindly doctor
At the dermatitis clinic,
Will you go, Stilly go?



Olive oil is good. Tea tree oil is good. Even cocoanut oil (virgin) is good for some folks.

I hope you get it sorted!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 May 12 - 11:52 AM

I will go, but I think it doesn't hurt to do what I can do first to clean up my act and figure out what I'm allergic to. Then whats left the sawbones can take a look at.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 May 12 - 10:16 AM

Yeah, but he hasn't DONE anything except run off at the mouth.

Stilly -- GO!! He also shot liquid nitrogen at my head to freeze off a pre-cancerous spot. And just before the Big Prom Date!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 May 12 - 09:20 AM

Instructions for treatment of chongoitis extremis:

1. Apply lotion to ears.
2. Remove head from ass.
3. Rotate world-view 180 degrees clockwise.
4. Look up at regular intervals.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 May 12 - 08:56 AM

He's as well or better qualified than most of your other presidential candidates have been, Rap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 May 12 - 11:49 PM

Rap, I've been too stubborn to go to the dermatologist yet, I've been trying to figure out what I'm allergic to. It may be that coconut is the culprit - it is in almost anything soap or lotion-like these days, hence the inability to treat it with anything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 May 12 - 10:15 PM

Well, if you're talkin' about Chumpo Chimp, he ain't solved nothin' in years and years. He jist talks a good game and tries to convince people to vote him President of the USA even though he was unpleasant and rude to his poor old mother and sister.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 May 12 - 10:14 PM

Quality footwear?

I was blaming gnu.

Did I mention I went to the dermatologist today and we decided I have Wray's Disease, also known as necrotizing ichthyosis. We named it after him. He prescribed an ointment, even though there is no known cure for this unknown disease.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 May 12 - 10:07 PM

And it's YOUR fault that I am not universally recognized for my unique contributions to quality footwear and my even more unique stories about Chimpanzee detectives!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 May 12 - 09:51 PM

Troublemaker. I looked at that link and then searched for the Smothers Brothers and, well, it's your fault I just spent over an hour watching You Tube.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 May 12 - 07:18 PM

Spiders & snakes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 May 12 - 06:24 PM

No frogs here, but lots of toads. I imagine a few of the smaller ones have become spider food.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 May 12 - 04:57 PM

Good thing they don't know about frogs' legs, huh?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 May 12 - 04:36 PM

I love my tarantulas and snakes, no worry for their welfare, though those in the back yard run the risk of dog-mayhem. They're really quite interesting; the tarantula holes in the back have shell fragments around them because they seem to enjoy escargot. The native snails don't know to avoid those intriguing holes. The spiders drop the shells outside after the meal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 May 12 - 02:57 PM

That's a nice number you got there, cowboy. You interested in tradin' it for a hot night with my cousin Juanita?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 May 12 - 02:40 PM

44800...another donation to PETBEN.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 May 12 - 02:39 PM

All right, LH. I shall do so. Here goes:

Shame, I am truly sorry that you're a despicable, scum-sucking, hog-molesting, louse-covered, pimply, pox-ridden, barely literate, innumerate, fetid, back-stabbing, rotting, dry-gulching, stinking, pus-filled, putrefying, brain dead, chancre on the otherwise fair face of anencephaly.

I really am sorry, you sorry SOB.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 May 12 - 12:56 PM

Fiddlededee, sir!! That ne'er-do-well half-life-form has earned every aspersion ever cast in his general direction, and deserves a biting of thumbs and a murder of sneers to boot!

I assure you, Rapparee should be commended for his modulated self-restraint on that score; compared to what any ordinary fishwife would say about that reprobate, Rapparee's conduct has been most modest and genteel.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 May 12 - 10:12 AM

And the right thing is for him to offer Shane a heartfelt and humble apology for all the mean and nasty aspersions he has cast on Shane's character over the years.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 May 12 - 09:59 AM

Now, now, Rapp. I can't tell you what to do, but I can certainly correct your confusions or your misplaced motivations. Once that happens, you can be trusted to do the right thing.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 May 12 - 03:02 PM

Speaking of Osama Bin Laden, I heard on the radio that US Naval Intelligence released a statement just hours ago. Regarding Binny living in the house in the compound with his five wives for five years, they believe he was the one who called the US Navy Seals.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 May 12 - 12:46 PM

I suspect, more likely, you have spun a web of mystery purely for the pourposes of Seeming Important. Of course, you don't NEED to resort to such juvenile stunts, Rapp, because here at Mom's you ARE impotent. I mean important. But old habits die hard and mystifiers are gonna mystify no matter what.

I am sure Mom loves you anyway, even a little bit.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 May 12 - 10:55 AM

Snakes keep the rats down and tarantulas aren't poisonous unless you're one of the rare people who are allergic to their venom. They're your friends. Be nice to them, unless you're eating outside and your spaghetti starts to more or you're eating curds and whey.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 May 12 - 09:24 AM

I'll be weeding the garden near the porch swing, so don't be surprised if wildlife living in all of that brush is disturbed and runs up on the porch. The neighbor put out a DiCon box to kill rats under his porch; I'm more likely to find snakes and tarantulas over here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 May 12 - 12:08 AM

Good for making bread and ale, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 May 12 - 12:06 AM

I am an Oat Keeper also. I have oatmeal quite often, and a small crock pot is heating some steel-cut oats for tomorrow's breakfast even as I type. I add raisins.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 May 12 - 12:02 AM

As much as I see fit to give you, of course. And I will tell the Whole Truth and sometimes the Whole Truth And A Half or even two or three Whole Truths all at once. And even more, if I think you can stand it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 May 12 - 11:00 PM

Just how much of the Truth do you think we can stand?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 May 12 - 09:25 PM

Well, if you wondered why Eiseley wished me "Good luck" today it's because I had a hearing. In Boise, midst the broke-dick mamaluccas (as Spaw and Bee Dubya would say).

I came out of it okay and I am now home and not in jail (or gaol, as you prefer).

It's not possible for me to discuss the matter of the hearing, but it has to do with SEAL Team Six and my part in taking out Osama Bin Laden last year. No, there was no wrong-doing on my part. I was actually a witness, sworn in and everything.

And from past experience I have learned that when you are sworn in, sworn to tell the truth and all that, it expires when you leave the stand. So I can again tell ALL the Truth and sometimes more Truth than you can handle. I do NOT stop telling the Truth, for I was sworn to tell it and I am an Oat Keeper.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 May 12 - 06:30 PM

Good one, LH!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 May 12 - 06:08 PM

That's darned good stuff, Amos, but it doesn't scan nearly as poorly as McGonagall's writing nor does it employ such tortured rhymes nor does it desperately plug in a very weak and unfitting word at the end of a verse or line just to ensure that there WILL BE a rhyme.

As such, it's not really as memorable as McGonagall's work. This is probably why the name of William McGonagall lives on whilst that of Seamus...what was his name?....has vanished into obscurity.

He just didn't write badly enough!

I have tried to write as badly as McGonagall, yet sustain the same levels of dramatic tension as he.

I couldn't do it. I suspect you can't either. Probably no one now living can. Julia Moore, mind you, could. But she's dead now. Alas! The truly great appear to have all passed on.

Well, except for Shatner, that is. I thank God every day when I wake up and realize that He is still among us, inspiring us to go boldly where none have gone before, seek out strange new habits, and generally stretch the bounds of tolerance and decency in whatever small and humble way we can. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 May 12 - 02:04 PM

By the way, LH, McGOnagle has nothing on this guy:

I had a friend, upon a time, and a mighty friend was he.
His tongue went loop-de-loop-de-loop, and his blade went "Snicker! Snee!".
His fingers typed words of delight
Dancing like light gone mad,
But he disappeared quite late, one night,
And the story turned out bad.

It seems his door was knocked upon,
When most folks were in bed,
By two large gents in wrinkled suits
And large, and wrinkled, heads.
They said he had been singled out,
That someone Big was pissed,
Berated him as a useless lout,
And a goddamned plagiarist.

They listed tomes and poems and works
He'd borrowed for a while,
And touted up and frilled out
In inimitable style.
The said he'd never paid a dime
To those whose works he'd borrow,
And all of this was coming back,
To visit him with sorrow.

They told him he was going away,
Into the darkling deeps
Where bad men worry through the day,
And fret too much to sleep.
Where hard men break, and life is hard,
And you scramble for what you get,
And there's no such thing as e-mail,
OR a high-speed Internet.

My friend, he blanched, he paled, he flinched,
He knew that he'd done wrong,
He knew that even then his screen
Held a half-baked stolen song.
He realized then -- too late, too late --
He should have listened, way back when,
To his dear Mom; too late, too late,
He was heard from ne'er again.

And so I come to this Cafe,
To write, and to forget,
But something still recalls to me
This friend I think on yet.
I never learned if he had ever
re-crossed that chilling schism
That split him from the world he loved,
On account of plagiarism.

So good folks all, pray heed this call,
Think of this man, cast doon,
And make your good works all your own,
From your own hand, alone.
Steal not the works of other men,
Or lines of other poets;
For if you do, they'll come for you,
And everyone will know it.

Seamus Sanmerci O'Toole
Lilting the Right -- Poems from the Lexington Express
Dublin Upp Press, New York, 1937
All rights reserved except for Bearded Bruce


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 May 12 - 01:32 PM

Lovely day, MOM. Ignore all of that talk about reverse peristalsis - if they make much of it, the GOP will latch onto it as a campaign issue and then the shit will hit the fan.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 May 12 - 11:39 AM

Rapp, you are waxing more and more poetical as time goes by. I know that some day you will write a real poem we can all be proud of.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 May 12 - 10:31 AM

Oh give me a Hovel
Where it's so deep you need a shovel
And the truth is a matter of choice.
Where bad whiskey's the rule
Where sober folks act the fool
And the floor is all covered with drool.

CH:

Our Legion home on the range!
Where the folks may be sober some day,
Where beer flows like wine
'Neath an old Grain Belt sign
And the ceiling is sort of a gray.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 15 May 12 - 09:16 AM

Good luck today, Rapparee!

I really ought to record that little song onto youtube so it will go viral. Maybe one of my sons will hold the camera. Hmmm, or maybe they will sing it with me---or without me.

Amos, you MUST persuade them to go the Pocatello route. Any other way is out of the way, seeing as this lovely city of ours is the Gateway to the West (and the most direct route to Yellowstone).

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 May 12 - 08:30 AM

Reverse peristalsis in a necrophile? Rapp is channeling Shane again. He thinks people just love it when he talks dirty to them, but he is a tad confused about the music involved.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 May 12 - 10:54 PM

A dab of Vick's Vapo-Rub under the nose or smoking a bad cigar helps with odors such as Shame's. Those are old tricks of cops and firefighters who have to deal with long-dead and decaying bodies, such as Shame has.

He is, after all, odoriferous sufficient to force a necrophile to reverse peristalsis.


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