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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Little Hawk 07 Jun 16 - 01:50 PM
Little Hawk 07 Jun 16 - 01:44 PM
Rapparee 07 Jun 16 - 01:04 PM
gnu 07 Jun 16 - 01:02 PM
Donuel 07 Jun 16 - 12:46 PM
Rapparee 07 Jun 16 - 10:31 AM
Donuel 07 Jun 16 - 09:54 AM
Amos 07 Jun 16 - 02:46 AM
gnu 06 Jun 16 - 11:05 PM
Rapparee 06 Jun 16 - 10:20 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Jun 16 - 06:35 PM
Little Hawk 06 Jun 16 - 05:16 PM
Rapparee 06 Jun 16 - 09:43 AM
gnu 06 Jun 16 - 08:37 AM
Amos 06 Jun 16 - 12:44 AM
Rapparee 05 Jun 16 - 10:31 PM
Acme 05 Jun 16 - 03:15 PM
gnu 05 Jun 16 - 12:28 PM
gnu 04 Jun 16 - 01:52 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Jun 16 - 05:21 AM
Amos 04 Jun 16 - 02:37 AM
Rapparee 03 Jun 16 - 09:44 PM
Amos 03 Jun 16 - 02:16 AM
Amos 02 Jun 16 - 02:10 AM
gnu 01 Jun 16 - 09:33 PM
Rapparee 01 Jun 16 - 09:27 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Jun 16 - 08:18 PM
gnu 01 Jun 16 - 05:33 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 04:56 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 01:38 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM
Acme 31 May 16 - 11:45 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 May 16 - 09:36 PM
gnu 30 May 16 - 07:07 PM
Amos 30 May 16 - 11:23 AM
Amos 30 May 16 - 03:11 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 May 16 - 07:55 PM
gnu 29 May 16 - 07:47 PM
Little Hawk 29 May 16 - 06:45 PM
Acme 29 May 16 - 02:39 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 May 16 - 10:08 AM
Little Hawk 28 May 16 - 10:59 PM
Rapparee 28 May 16 - 10:30 PM
Little Hawk 28 May 16 - 11:06 AM
Rapparee 28 May 16 - 10:39 AM
Amos 28 May 16 - 01:42 AM
Rapparee 27 May 16 - 08:17 PM
Amos 27 May 16 - 03:39 PM
Little Hawk 27 May 16 - 11:02 AM
gnu 26 May 16 - 10:26 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:50 PM

And so do I. I'd happily go out with either Penelope or Renata, were I living in some alternate Universe where it was feasible to do so....

(And don't kill off any of my main characters, por favor. They must live on in future episodes, just like Sherlock Holmes.)

Veronica Rutledge, of course, has the morals of an alley cat...as well as way too much money and leisure time...but you already knew that. Andy Warhol would have had her in his entourage immediately.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:44 PM

HA! HA! HA!

This is pretty good. Okay, I gotta fill you in on Renata so you don't screw things up. Renata is a well educated and sharp dressing middle class white woman from Chicago, a lawyer, dark-haired and good looking, in her early 30's, has been serving as Chongo's campaign manager and legal advisor for the APP (American Primate Party), and is rumored to be his main squeeze...actually, his only squeeze, because as I said, she's very jealous. Picture a considerably tougher version of Mary Tyler Moore in her heyday, and that's Renata. She's just as tough and smart and exacting as Penelope, but she's a middle class American professional, as opposed to an upper class British heiress. Either one of them is not to be trifled with (which explains why Chongo likes both of them...he admires strong women).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:04 PM

The phone rang again. Penelope, half dressed, answered.

"Yes?"

"Madame, this is Hector Ballsworthy. I understand that your neice Veronica has been doing some riding at a stable in the United States. You might like to know that my research finds that Mr. Slim Thing is a lizar...." Penelope had heard enough; she slammed the phone down.

Finishing her dressing (it was a shame her dresser couldn't come along, she thought) she checked the contents of her handbag. Small as it was it contained the necessaries: lipstick, aspirin, a hankie, a small can of bear spray strength pepper spray, and the small 7.65 Beretta "Tomcat". She didn't like guns, but Grandfather had taught her to shoot and she was actually quite good.

Of course, it was loaded with "Defender" rounds that shattered and did tissue damage equivalent to a .45 ACP. Whatever that was, she mused. She checked, and there was indeed one "up the spout" as Grandfather used to say. Cock the hammer and she had seven rounds.

Carefully she pinned on her hat and left to meet The Ape (as she now thought of Chongx).

(Stay tuned!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 01:02 PM

Ooooo... intrigue replete with disguises and dangerous rendezvouses. Popcorn time. Extra butter, please.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 12:46 PM

54545 is coming up. Rap will not miss this one.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 10:31 AM

"I got yer little bimbo," said Chongx.

"Who's Renata?" asked Penelope.

"I'll meet in the Loop, near Marshall Field's, around three" replied Chongx. "I'll have yer skirt with me. You bring the rest of the money and we'll make the switch."

"Who's Renata?" Penelope asked again, but Chongx had rung off.

Three. Morning or afternoon? Penelope wondered. And did that chimpanzee really have Veronica? Most stables weren't open to the public until eight or nine ack emma, she mused. I certainly hope that no laws were broken!

And she began her toilette.

(More to come)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 09:54 AM

con trails are real. as for chem trails, Edward Teller officially proposed the idea to the US gov. 26 years ago to modify local temperatures. Searchable FOIA.
Broaching far out ideas today is getting relatively harder, but there is fun in the esoteric without being married or devoted to any of them.
One of the funniest shows Rupert Murdoch has on cable is Ancient Aliens. The self proclaimed experts and authorities make me laugh out loud.


from the ministry of mudact propaganda...
I turned my good ear to the wind and heard 3 little words whispered that might turn hurricane Donald from shore. The 7 words one silently recalls after reading "Assume Trump President" is the real intent.

Forcing silent words to come from within like 'makes an ass of you and me' internalizes meaning like personal opinion. This is great propaganda compared to the trite stuff Hillary uses.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Jun 16 - 02:46 AM

Fantasy runs amok! The unreal invades the pastoral pastures of reality, splintering the delicate threads of agreed-upon normality with ravenous, bleeding talons and beaks, throwing the gentle order of civilization brutally towards the maw of chaos, red in tooth and claw! The denizens of Reality are heartsick. They have always relied on their quiet mantra: "Well, dear, but _____ (Chongo, UFOs, NWO, contrails, etc.) aren't REAL!". But now, the lawless proponents of Postulated Rality have taken up arms and thrust their unwanted attentions into the delicate crevices of normal Reality, leaving her gasping and senseless on the barren verge! Ah, woe, woe to civilization! Woe to Normality! Woe to all that is real!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 11:05 PM

I wrote a verbose post about my angst re **** and shit but I deleted it. I think I am on the road to discovery... just ignore it and it goes away is my (hopefully new) mantra.

One learns, perhaps?, as time draws nigh? There is not much time left.

Yes, that is taking, perhaps?, punctuation licence.

Perhaps? me arse! I am breaking wind. In whatever direction it applies. Either you get it or don't.

It's cold and damp. I shall sleep well... snuggled in blankets. gnightgnu.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 10:20 PM

"God," thought Penelope when she awoke. "I've dreamt about that ape!" And she thought again how utterly delicious the dream had been and shuddered slightly.

The phone rang and Penelope answered it. "Bitch," the woman's voice said, "stay away from Chongx. He's my ape, see? If you don't, sure as my name's Renata I'll cut you so bad you'll fall apart when you nod. Capice?" And the caller hung up.

Penelope always liked a challenge, and one today, in 2018, was no different from the one she faced back in 2016 when she'd finally arranged for the "accident" with the Holland and Holland .600 Nitro Express in the Gun Room. Winston had turned out to be a bit of a rotter and her grandfather had always said that the answer was the H&H.

But she had to get Veronica back to England! The little ninny had come to Chicago and had somehow ended up in the "stable" of someone named "Slim Thing." Imagine! Veronica working in a stable! Mucking out after the horses, grooming them if she was lucky!

Penelope grabbed the telephone directory and quickly looked up "Stables." There were several listed, none associated with the name "Slim Thing." Well, it had been a slim chance at that.

The phone rang again. It was Chongx.

(To be continued)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 06:35 PM

Hi, Mom! I don't really have anything to say, but it's getting so difficult to get on the Mudcat in general and the MOAB in particular that I thought I'd better not waste the opportunity.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to say nothing.

"Nothing."

There, I've said it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 05:16 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! I love it...

The fact is, Chongo does have some characteristics Penelope admires. He's an ape of action. He's ruthless...yet chivalrous. He's honest and direct, and he doesn't mince words.

But...he's an ape. And one without noble blood in his ancestry.

Hmm.

Bit of a conundrum, eh, what? Still, he's definitely a better catch than Winston...or, for that matter, than any of the upper class twits whom Penelope usually meets in her social circle.

But what would Chongo's gal Friday and campaign manager, Renata Carson, say? (She's known to be viciously jealous of any woman who tries to get near Chongo. She warned him not to contact Sarah Palin again under ANY circumstances!) For that matter, what would all of Twillingsgate say? Not to mention the hoi polloi in London! It doesn't bear thinking about. If that unscrupulous madman Hector Ballsworthy should get even the slightest idea of such a possibility, he'd have it plastered all over the front pages of his scandal sheet in a flash.

Meanwhile, her niece Veronica has been carrying on in the usual outrageous manner, having taken up with bad boy billionaire's son and notorious wastrel Basingstoke "Baz" Bilgeroar, in the press lately for fronting the entirely offensive post-punk British techno band FeckMuther...and that, fortunately, has keep Ballsworthy quite well occupied and distracted.

There's always a silver lining if one looks hard enough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 09:43 AM

Back at the Omni, Penelope gazed at her trim, long-legged figure in the mirror. She ran her hands down her hips and thought, "God, but he's hairy! Still, there's something. No, no! Yet...."

She glanced at her Rolex Datejus -- it would be late morning in England, and she telephoned her solicitor and made arrangements for half a million to be added to her line of credit.

"Too hairy," she thought, as she fell asleep.

(To be continued)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 08:37 AM

I thaw poultry in the fridge on the lowest shelf. Health Canada also recommends using water in a pot for a fast thaw but says the water should be changed every half hour. Or, under running water... not environmentally friendly, is it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 12:44 AM

A shudder, perhaps of relief, passes through the assembled multitude. At last, relief! An end to the desperation, the lack of skullduggery, the starvation of the human need to be fooled, misled, taken advantage of! At last, our Wool-Puller has returned! Oh, Amen, and Thank You Jezus!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 10:31 PM

I am home. I have shot (with a camera) a black bear sow with cubs, a black bear boar (elsewhere on the same trip), a moose, a grizzly with cubs. I have seen wolves, elk, bison (ho-hum, another buffalo), mule deer, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I am home. Stand by for another episode (thrilling, of course) in the Ongoing Romance of Penelope and Chongx.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 03:15 PM

I fill a stock pot with cold water and submerge the wrapped chicken in the pot for a few hours. Doing that in the fridge seems like it would take forever. (This is supposed to be preferable to simply placing the wrapped frozen chicken on a platter in the sink and letting it stay there for a few hours. Parts of it can warm up too much and spoil before the entire thing is thawed.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 12:28 PM

Abstract - This study investigates thawing a frozen whole chicken in a heavy plastic bag secured with a metal cinch by placing the chicken in a pot of cold water, covering the pot with a tight fitting lid, and placing the pot in a refrigerator in which the temperature is maintained at 4C. The chicken was three quarters submersed in the water.

Day One - The covered pot containing cold water and a frozen whole chicken in a heavy plastic bag secured with a metal cinch was placed in a refrigerator (fridge) in which the temperature is maintained at 4C at 11:00h. The fridge door was opened briefly twenty times during the remainder of Day 1.

Day Two - The fridge door was opened briefly twice before the chicken was inspected at 11:45h. The submerged three quarters of the chicken was covered with ice of thickness ranging from one quarter inch on the lowest submersed portion to three quarter inch at the water surface. The unsubmerged portion of the chicken was covered with a three eighths thick frost. The ice was removed from the chicken and the experiment was aborted.

Conclusions - Dumb fucking idea.

Recommendations - Thaw poultry on a suitable open platter.

Remarks - See Conclusions above.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Jun 16 - 01:52 PM

I saw a squirrel in my maple tree today so I'm good.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Jun 16 - 05:21 AM

A wildlife viewing excursion should properly be followed by a wildlife eating excursion. Nothing makes you appreciate the taste of a bison burger quite like having seen that sucker on the hoof a few hours earlier.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jun 16 - 02:37 AM

Wildlife viewing! How very special!

What;s real, dude?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jun 16 - 09:44 PM

I think it's because I don't have regular Web access. Of course, we mustn't discount the possibility that Amos has nothing of any consequence to say.

And you might find it useful to get used to it, at least through June and into the first week or so of July. We will again be traveling, beginning around the 20th of June, to Glacier NP, Waterton, Whitefish, Helena, and such-like places.

Tomorrow evening, if all goes well, we shall be on a four hours wildlife viewing excursion in the Lamar Valley of Yellowstone NP.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jun 16 - 02:16 AM

I think we need to snip a few of the whippers around here. These like periods of moribund lassitude are discomfiting. Do you think Mom is going through The Change I have heard about?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 16 - 02:10 AM

Count on the Gnuzeer to get 'er said.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 09:33 PM

I whipered the snipper. I put in 25' of new snipper in the reel and fired er up. All 20ccs of fossil fuel driven FURY! I loikes POWER. I loikes ta HEAR power. Knows she's getting tha job done, eh? Now, fer the most part, I just lets me 20ccs idle eh? Idle. She's good fer yer weeds against yer basement foundation eh? Fer the odd dandy what grows up through the pave too. But, old man, when I gets er gowan under the back fence where she's thick, I depresses tha thro'tle full ta tha board and she wakes the dandelions what I cut last summer!

My son, my son. That there riggin will take 30 years of old paint stolen from the CNR (so's ya knows she tough paint roight?) clean off the basement wall eh! Dandelions don't stand a chance after they've gone ta seed even at idle speed. She's the clear rig that. Plus, like I said, weighs less than George's riggin and it makes far more noise. More noise - more power. That's the way it is. Better than yer lectric rig and far better than clippin em by hand. What's the fun in clippin em by hand? WHERE IS THE NOISE AND THE SMELL OF GASOLINE??


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 09:27 PM

How can I describe the beauty which surrounds me here? Unparalleled? Ne plus ultra? Wonder full? Yesterday I captured, on digital, a moose, two pronghorns, two bald eagles, and a grizzly bear (Number 610) with her cubs.

No, I did not get close to any of them for I would fain deny Mom her fave. I was at least 100 meters from them, but through the miracle of telephoto I was able to get some damned good pictures.

Did you know that if you have a Wyoming hunting license and your name is drawn you can be sworn in as a "special ranger" and hunt elk in GTNP? It's the only NP were hunting is allowed, and it's because of Yellowstone being the northern park border. Something about 20,000 wapiti being too many for the available food in both parks, between which the elk seasonally wander. How about if we all put in for a GTNP hunting license and have a big MOAB camp out and sing in?

What happens with Chongx will have to wait until I arrive safely home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 08:18 PM

Everyone whippers the snipper, but most of us don't talk about it in mixed company.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 05:33 PM

I have been busier than a lint picker in a blue serge suit factory. First boiled ham dinner of the season. Fresh green beans, carrots and cabbage and last year spuds with a smoked pork picnic shoulder roast. Then, I was busy with a nap. I didn't decide to have a nap. The nap decided to have me. Then I put the potted flowers in the garage on accounta this is NB... AC on all yesterday with the windows closed but hoody on today with the windows open. Might have frost tonight. Mowed both front lawns to wake up. I try to mow them twice a week this time of year after the dandelions have gone to seed. That's half as many times as George mows his golf greens. I may even whipper the snipper tonight.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 04:56 PM

The Grand Tetons are silent, as are the wild plains of Texas and the soggy backwaters of the Panhandle. The frozen North is silent. The godforsaken cul-de-sac of Blind River is a mushmouthed whisper. Mom sits alone, waiting and hoping that the phone might ring. The little black heart of her Bakelite rotary-dial phone remains cold and silent, silent, silent.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 01:38 PM

Which was, by the way, 54 thousand and 500 posts. MOAB dominates.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM

Well, the whole damn thing wouldn't come up at all for hours today so she'll have to suck it up. Even loyal sons and daughters can only do so much!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 May 16 - 11:45 PM

All I saw off the edge of the porch a few minutes ago was MOM, about 2 hours off of the bottom of the page, took a header right into the hydrangea. She's okay, but mad as a wet hen, because she couldn't get her feet under her to stand up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 May 16 - 09:36 PM

The Grand Tetons don't appeal to everyone. Some of us are more enamored of the summit of Big Butt Mountain in North Carolina.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 May 16 - 07:07 PM

He's there for the Maryjane, man. Good for the eyes, they say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 16 - 11:23 AM

Does it strike anyone as poetically harmonious to see MOAB's own scion, who has always styled himself as Mom's favorite, wandering off in search of those Tetons? Are is that a stretchmark?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 16 - 03:11 AM

Fish Shit is the very bottom of the food chain, and deserves no place in the polished and hallowed corridors of Mom's place. I think friend Jack is angling for a buy-off in a thinly veiled spasm of white-collar ransomware. I say we get Chongo to shit on him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 16 - 07:55 PM

Personally, I think Mr. Jack Shit doesn't know shit about shit. Posting mule shit or bear shit on the MOAB is like selling enchiladas or shrimp scampi at a Thai restaurant. Different shits have different characteristics. Horse shit has a reputation for being happy. Owl shit is slippery. Bat shit is crazy. Chicken shit has a reputation for being, well, chicken shit. Fish shit is just too difficult to pronounce. None of them have any business on the MOAB. If they wanna be heard, let 'em get their own threads.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 May 16 - 07:47 PM

The Tetons? Have a grand time.

Yo, Jack Shit... go pound sand ya jackoff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 May 16 - 06:45 PM

I don't know Jack Shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 May 16 - 02:39 PM

That Jack Shit, he gets around!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 16 - 10:08 AM

I have received the following rather disturbing email, supposedly from an organization calling itself The National Organization for Shit Equality:


Dear Mr. Ell,

It has come to our attention that various members of the Internet forum known as The Mudcat Cafe, yourself included, have posted nearly 55,000 messages, consisting entirely of bullshit, to a thread called "The Mother of All BS Threads". Our organization represents the interests of the various other "minority" shits of the livestock and wild animal universes. We feel that 55,000 posts of bullshit with no representation from any other shits constitutes an unfair, and probably illegal, shit monopoly. To avoid possible legal action, we strongly suggest that you begin immediately to include some horse shit, chicken shit, snake shit, owl shit, and any other shits you can come up with into your posts. Failure to do so may result in a forced breakup of "The Mother of All BS Threads" into subsidiary entities such as "The Mother of All Turtle Shit Threads", "The Mother of All Cricket Shit Threads", etc.

We will be monitoring "The Mother of All BS Threads" for evidence of voluntary compliance. If there is no evidence of such compliance, if you and your fellow "MOABites" continue exclude non-bull shits from your posts, you can expect to hear back from us.

Sincerely,

Jack Shit
Vice President for Fecal Affairs
The National Organization for Shit Equality


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:59 PM

Lovely. :) I look forward to the next installment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:30 PM

"Cuz I kin git her out. You and her would make a good team of limey broads in with this guy I know. You could make a lot of the ol' do-re-me," Squatty said leeringly.

Penelope fought the urge to slap him. He had, after all, saved her.

"Anyway, maybe you don't want to do that. That's jake with me, I don't make a skirt do anything they don't want to. By the way, the moniker's Chongo. Chongo Chimp." And he stuck out a long, hairy arm with something like a hand at the end.

She shook it. Noblesse oblige, she thought.

"Mr. Chimp," she said after a moment, "would you know anyone who might be interested in obtaining the release of my niece from...that person? She came over here to visit a friend and I think she was forced into...white slavery, I believe you call it."

"Yeah, I do that kinda thing now and then. What's the take for me?"

"What do you mean?" asked Penelope.

"That ain't gonna be easy OR cheap. Slim Thing's got an in with the North Side Gorillas and half the other mobs in this burg. Could git ugly. Could mean concrete boots or even a mattress thing." Seeing the look of puzzlement on her face, he added, "Shooting. And maybe worse."

"How much?" Penelope asked, taking a wad of dollars from her handbag. "I could give you, oh, ten thousand of your dollars for a successful completion of the task. Of course, Veronica must be unharmed."

"Half up front to cover the immediate expenses and the rest when I'm done," said Chongx.

"As you say, we have a deal!" she said.

Chongx grinned in a very frightening manner and took the cash she proffered. "It's a deal," he said. "I'm gonna enjoy this. That mug's been too uppity for his own good and he needs to come down a notch or two."

(To be continued, perhaps when I return from the Tetons, to which I am going tomorrow FOR A WEEK.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 16 - 11:06 AM

Wow.



Good effort there, Rap. I'm well impressed. The previous thing about Shane's demise was perfect too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:39 AM

About a year from now Penelope Rutledge, now shed of Winston due to an unfortunate accident in the Gun Room, landed at O'Hare in Chicago. She was on a trip to visit her niece Veronica, who had taken a job with a rather flamboyant dresser named "Slim Thing" and was "treading the boards" under the nom de theatre of "Randy Ronny." Penelope had heard of her niece's success and was paying a surprise visit.

After checking into the Omni, Penelope called for her car to take her to the South Side Gaities Theatre. She was excited and wanted to see the surprise on little Ronnie's face when she was presented with the four carat diamond ring that was to be her present.

The car broke down just at 79th and Cicero. Steam was rising from the radiator, and the driver apologized by saying it would "just take a second" to fix, popped the hood, and jumped out of the car.

A moment later he was back, dragged by four very ugly apes who ripped open the door and hauled Penelope out. One said, "Good lookin' skirt, even if she's a bit long in the tooth. Slim'll be happy." and they started to drag her towards a very disreputable automoble.

"Let 'er go," said a big voice, and standing in the shadows was a squat figure whose Thompson submachine gun emphasized the point.

The big ape dragging her threw her to the ground and drew a .45 automatic, just as the other three were doing. The Tommy played a concerto of lead and the four dropped. Then a second, shorter, burst put the quietus on the driver, who was pointing a .38 snubbie.

"Lady, you okay?" asked the squatty.

"Could be better, yes, but thank you. I believe that these...people...meant to do me harm."

"They was goin' to put you in Slim Thing's stable. Say, you talk like a limey -- you know a kid named 'Randy Ronnie' by any chance?"

"She is my niece," replied Penelope with a proper upper-class sniff. "Why do you ask?"

(to be continued....)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 May 16 - 01:42 AM

So fine to see the truth laid out. Now, let us turn our attention to the other miasma horribilis known as Chongo, thew figment of disgust with which we are continuously harassed by the maladroit malevolence of LH's overheated perfervid and puerile imagining...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 May 16 - 08:17 PM

And immaterial dimensions as well, Amos.

Shame, on the other hand, can't see beyond the bottom of a bottle while I can see his ultimate fate: old, alone, rancid, drooling in the dregs of the empty beer bottle he found in a dumpster, picking the lice from his clothing for his dinner, and eventually someone finding his ulcerated body in a filthy gutter and saying, "YEW!! That stinks!" Then what is left of what was Shame McBride is taken to a mortuary where even the rats in the walls flee from something that loathsome. After a very, very cursory examination the medical examiner will say, "I can't let that be buried because it would pollute the earth for generations to come, nor can I let it be burned because the smoke would nauseate all of Canada. Take it out and throw it into a volcano somewhere!" And the officials take it to Iceland and throw that which was once Shame into a volcano, which promptly spits it back out. Stymied, they elect to simply leave the loathsome thing to the buzzards, which promptly throw up and toss it back to them. And as the debate rages about how to dispose of that which was once Shame, suddenly the alcohol laden tissues of the cadaver spontaneously combust and leave naught a wrack behind. And one day, a bright eyed child will ask, "Daddy, who was this Shame McBride whose name is in our family bible?" and her father will reply, "Dearest one, he was a very, very, very stupid fool and we had any genes we shared with him wiped away as soon as that became possible. Would you like some ice cream?" And the child will say yes, and Shame McBride's name will never be mentioned ever again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 May 16 - 03:39 PM

Shane is a blind pig, of course, unlike Rapparee, who is gifted with superhuman vision into material dimensions.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 May 16 - 11:02 AM

Shane doesn't need glasses when he drives. He doesn't even need a license when he drives. Or ownership papers. Or sobriety. He does need a lawyer after he gets arrested for doing it, though. So there are some drawbacks, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 May 16 - 10:26 PM

Great news, Rap. Good to hear.


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