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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 11 Jan 10 - 09:07 PM
Amos 11 Jan 10 - 08:39 PM
Amos 11 Jan 10 - 07:39 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Jan 10 - 06:19 PM
Little Hawk 11 Jan 10 - 06:12 PM
Rapparee 11 Jan 10 - 05:20 PM
Amos 11 Jan 10 - 04:08 PM
MMario 11 Jan 10 - 03:50 PM
Amos 11 Jan 10 - 03:48 PM
Rapparee 11 Jan 10 - 03:47 PM
MMario 11 Jan 10 - 03:36 PM
Acme 11 Jan 10 - 03:29 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Jan 10 - 02:04 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Jan 10 - 09:01 AM
Rapparee 11 Jan 10 - 08:52 AM
Amos 11 Jan 10 - 04:50 AM
Acme 11 Jan 10 - 12:56 AM
GUEST,Rapaire 10 Jan 10 - 09:40 PM
Donuel 10 Jan 10 - 05:28 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Jan 10 - 04:29 PM
MMario 10 Jan 10 - 04:12 PM
Acme 10 Jan 10 - 03:59 PM
Little Hawk 10 Jan 10 - 03:48 PM
Amos 10 Jan 10 - 02:49 PM
Acme 10 Jan 10 - 12:58 PM
Little Hawk 10 Jan 10 - 11:53 AM
GUEST,freds 10 Jan 10 - 12:18 AM
Little Hawk 09 Jan 10 - 11:29 PM
GUEST,freds 09 Jan 10 - 11:26 PM
Little Hawk 09 Jan 10 - 10:06 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 09 Jan 10 - 09:51 PM
Donuel 09 Jan 10 - 07:53 PM
Little Hawk 09 Jan 10 - 07:07 PM
Amos 09 Jan 10 - 06:43 PM
GUEST,The Universal Overmind 09 Jan 10 - 04:10 PM
Amos 09 Jan 10 - 02:15 PM
Amos 09 Jan 10 - 01:29 PM
Rapparee 09 Jan 10 - 11:54 AM
Acme 09 Jan 10 - 01:40 AM
Little Hawk 08 Jan 10 - 11:23 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 10:11 PM
Rapparee 08 Jan 10 - 09:58 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 09:54 PM
Rapparee 08 Jan 10 - 09:47 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 08:26 PM
Little Hawk 08 Jan 10 - 05:16 PM
Acme 08 Jan 10 - 04:58 PM
GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk 08 Jan 10 - 04:56 PM
Amos 08 Jan 10 - 04:51 PM
Rapparee 08 Jan 10 - 04:41 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 09:07 PM

Nail-biting time! Less than three hours until the witching hour, he must turn in the forms for this huge huge scholarship. And can't think of anything to say on the last two essays. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 08:39 PM

I dreamed in a dream I saw a city invincible to the attacks of the whole of the rest of the earth,
I dreamed that was the new city of Friends,
Nothing was greater there than the quality of robust love, it led the rest.
It was seen every hour in the actions of the men of that city
And in all their looks and words.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 07:39 PM

He's not talking Latin. He's trying to be impressive by pretending to talk Latin but not quite succeeding.

Vado tergum ut schola quod perceptum oro per civilis ut vestri socius vir , vos tener piscis!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 06:19 PM

Mom! Rapaire's talkin' Latin again! I think he said something about measuring Nolo's anus!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 06:12 PM

Again, gentlemen, you are failing to amuse me! I am experiencing ennui. Don't you realize your pressing responsibilities in this regard?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 05:20 PM

Ah, Amos. If only you knew Latin! Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas in te maculare. (Braccae tuae aperiuntur.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 04:08 PM

Never mind, love lifts the slipperiest heart, as the old saying goeth.

The main thing is that it comes with a power supply.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 03:50 PM

CAt in the hat? moss covered three handles family gredunza?

never mind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 03:48 PM

I am sure I do not understand MM's joke; perhaps it is over my head, as the perverted bishop said.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 03:47 PM

Cogito, ergo cloaca sum.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 03:36 PM

A moss covered three purpose family cloaca?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 03:29 PM

MOM!

Bruce said cloaca!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 02:04 PM

For Gluon's benefit, I've taken the liberty of compiling this brief glossary of duckspeak:

Quack! - You have something green stuck to your cloaca!

Quack? - Do these feathers make by butt look all waddley?

Quack!!! - The farmer's looking at the Peking Duck recipe in that Chinese cookbook again!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 09:01 AM

No, Gluon is not naturally bilingual. He* would be if he'd had an opportunity to learn duck or dog from either of his parents, but the actual time Gluon spent with his parents was tragically short. He fell out of his cradle the day after he was bratched** and accidentally slipped into a seventeen-dimensional vortex. It took him roughly 350 of our years to find his way out of the vortex (though it only seemed like a few seconds to Gluon). By the time he returned to our spatial plane, his parents were not even distant memories to anyone else. He found himself alone, and with an insatiable craving for cracked corn mixed with Alpo. He also found that the only sound he was innately capable of making was "QUARK!", and while he has learned to convey an unlimited number of meanings using that one "word", he has recently felt a desire to "get in touch with his roots" by learning the duckspeak and dogspeak of his long lost parents.

* Gluon is not literally a "he" nor a "she", but something in between. The author has referred to Gluon as "he/she/it" in the past, but finds that construction too bulky. Therefore, we've arbitrarily chosen to use "he" for the sake of convenience. You are free to use whatever pronoun you choose.

** Bratched: A cross between "born" and "hatched". It's uncertain whether Gluon was born live, hatched from an egg, or some hard to imagine combination of the two.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 08:52 AM

A few stray shots of radiation and you might have been a duckamos, you know.

Besides, Gluon answers commands. The absolute favorite seems to be "Sit and stray!" which, of course, Gluon has no problems doing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 04:50 AM

Actually you have to be speaking a far-distant language to even conceive of a duckdog.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 11 Jan 10 - 12:56 AM

We are talking about a duck dog. It thought it was understood that she was bilingual.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 09:40 PM

Illinois has copperheads, timber rattlers, prairie rattlers, water moccasins, and politicians. Folks from Illinois have learned to live with the snakes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 05:28 PM

Go ahead duck we hear all your quacks

A trains a comin an yer still on the tracks

Go ahead duck yer jus squawkin to annoy

I'm a rattlesnake daddy from Illinois

A rattlesnake daddy rattlin loud as I can

I'm a rattlesnake daddy down in the sand

you fool duck don't hear me over all the noise.

Who you quackin at, you quackin at yer boys

Why that duck jus keep quackin on the tracks

You fool duck, if ya don't get smacked vou'll git bit

cuz I'm a rattlesnake daddy from Illinois an I don't quit

I'm a rattlesnake daddy from Illinois an I don't quit

Wham Bam lookit them duck feathers fly

Duck's plucked clean and its dinner time

I swallowed that fool duck whole mmm boy

cuz Ima rattlesnake daddy from Illinois


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 04:29 PM

Gluon is working on becoming multilingual. In recognition of his/her/its bispecial roots he/she/it is learning to speak Duck and Dog as well as Duckdog.

Mastering "Quack!" was a breeze and "Arf!" wasn't as difficult as one might imagine. But that howling at the moon stuff is really posing posing a bit of a challenge. Try to imagine Donald Duck attempting to imitate a pack of coyotes. That's not exactly what it sounds like, but it's within the tristate area.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 04:12 PM

I thought Gluon said "Quark"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 03:59 PM

LH, MOM says



Duck!








and, of course, Gluon says



Quack!


I think they're both trying to tell you the same thing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 03:48 PM

Oh, dear. A friend just called. He says that the bridge over "The Narrows" just vanished in a flast of blue light! Several casino-goers are missing, and the Atherley Arms Hotel, Orillia's only strip joint, has received serious collateral damage.

Could it be terrorists? But why would they strike at Orillia? Nothing EVER happens here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 02:49 PM

entity little hawk reside Orillia, Ontario, between Laje Couchiching and Lake Simcoe.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 12:58 PM

You're wicked, LH. But keep up the good work--fewer attorneys is a good thing.

MOM is amazed at how happy the birds are today in the sunshine. She's trying to duplicate that scene from Home Alone 2 with the bird lady in the park. It's getting the birdseed to stick to her clothes that is the problem. Any suggestions?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 11:53 AM

I may have made an error on those coordinates. Chongo tells me that a lawyer in Schenectady mysteriously vanished in a puff of smoke yesterday, leaving nothing behind but a small container full of garlic cheese dip.

Could there be a connection here?

Floribama is some godforsaken piece of territory in the Deep South, but no one can agree on exactly where it is.

"tejas" is the Mexican pronunciation of "Texas", providing you pronounce the "j" like an "h".

El Cajon is in California and is the home of Unarius.

And then there's Portneuf


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 10 Jan 10 - 12:18 AM

wrong area code for Hawk dna. Please define "floribama" and "tejas?"

what is elcajon? And portneuf? Received interesting transmission from impostor with these coordinates.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 11:29 PM

My coordinates are TX781-999-T8EW-34Z. Do your worst!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 11:26 PM

fool overmind killed good translator computer we exist will kill stupid overmind and absorb dna what is coordinates of little hawk entity?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 10:06 PM

Oh, I hope not. I've been praying for freds to vanish for years now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 09:51 PM

This "Universal Overmind" character is an obvious impostor! The real Universal Overmind would never refer to freds as "the freds".

It was established long ago, during the MOAB's early days, that "freds" is singular, plural, and communal. One member of the species is simply "freds", not "a fred". A dozen of them are "freds", not "a dozen freds". And the entire species is simply "freds", not "the freds".

That the real Universal Overmind would make such a blatant cosmogrammatical error is utterly inconcievable. Therefore, we can only conclude that some dipwad is trying to jerk us around and MOABites don't jerk easily!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 07:53 PM

What you know about gluons would fill the 11th dimension.
But you have plenty of company. Scientists at the GHC last Tuesday afternoon after lunch, attempted to isolate gluons in a magnetic bottle, only to discover that the magbottles are now permanently stuck. Being right outside the collision sensor chamber, getting them removed is crucial to isolate other particles. If it can not be moved, the entire collider may have to be moved. No one knows for sure but it has been suggested that the chamber has glued itself to the 2nd, 7th and 11th dimension. When asked what this meant Dr. Schrodinger said "Crap".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 07:07 PM

Whoever HAS caused the Freds to go extinct, I thank them, he, she or it from the bottom of my heart. The Freds sucked. They had no redeeming qualities and were a pain in the arse. I will not miss them one bit.

Universal Overmind, you have now been thanked fullsomely by at least one human being!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 06:43 PM

I don't believe that post is from the Universal Overmind at all. Why would he be bragging like that, as though he were some two-bit Terran middle-management bureaucrat, or a scruffy Earthling hippy with pseudo-imaginary literary aspirations? It just doesn't add up, somehow...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Universal Overmind
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 04:10 PM

Species across the Universe have thanked me for extincting the freds. Your species has not yet done so. Be that as it may, I do not expect thanks for doing an unpleasant, but very necessary, job that will permit the Universe to evolve as my plan envisions it.

Just for your information, the production line that permitted such a flawed product has been shut down and the managerial staff reassigned to less critical areas, such as janitorial work. A few eons cleaning the toilets will help restore their humility.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 02:15 PM

It was warm enough when we started out
Down in Thirtythree and Six.
And when Mom said she'd had a thought,
We thought we knew her tricks.
So we lazed around by the fire bright
In a warm and friendly snow,
And Mom explained what she had in mind,
And where she planned to go.

Wal, the dogs were stretched   in their snow-hole beds
Dreaming of canine beers,
But when she spoke each raised his head,
And flattened out his ears.
And they all shivered, as if a chill
Or a williwaw, as they say,
Had come sweeping down from the northern peaks
Out by Thirty Four of Kay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 01:29 PM

There's places where they say its cold
At 45 degrees
And places where it gets so cold
It makes you lock your knees.
There's regions where the cusswords hang
All frozen through the winter
And come to life at the start of Spring
Making raucous roars a-splinter.
There are lands where the sun never shows its face
Throughout the winter's day
And places where the white bears live
Where it's too damn cold to pray.
But the coldest stretch I ever saw
And the toughest winter's way
Was the trek where Ma nearly broke her neck
Making Thirty Four of Kay.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 11:54 AM

It's 14F and overcast here. No snow predicted, however, and the streets are clear with a few patches of ice.

AND my snowblower's back!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Jan 10 - 01:40 AM

I thought I wrote something. Darn. Now I can't remember what it was.

Stay warm, everyone. Even Amos, who might have to put a hoodie on in the morning. (It's 12 degrees in Fort Worth right now. Unusual.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 11:23 PM

Don't remind him!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 10:11 PM

Congratulations on 33600!!

You could describe your less appealing digestive functions, too, but somehow you avoid that...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 09:58 PM

Because I could, mostly.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 09:54 PM

Why would you even WANT one, let alone express such a desire??



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 09:47 PM

Well, I was going to shout "I WANT A PISSANT!!" but there are too many around here already.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 08:26 PM

Ahhh, fantasy. And, I might add, virulently ad hominem fantasy at that.

Well, that was entertaining. What shall we do now? Mom? Any ideas?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 05:16 PM

Penelope IS Winston's wife, you moron!

Here's what I envision: Chongo pounding Amos's pointy little head into a shapeless mass as Amos's paramour Chinga gets fed through a trash compactor by rampaging gorillas who have taken offense at her licentious lifestyle and her utterly unsavoury reputation (which is an insult to all self-respecting primates).

Kirk arrives with Doctor McCoy, having just beamed down on a fact-finding mission. Chongo dusts himself off, says, "Take over, guys," and walks away. McCoy bends down over the prone body of Amos, pulls out a little tricoder thingie and passes it over the San Diego Dimwit. It emits a low buzzing sound. McCoy looks up and says,

"He's dead, Jim."

"No! Really? You're shitting me," says Kirk, rolling his eyes sarcastically. "And what about this one?" (pointing to the hamburger-like remains of Chinga).

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not Jesus Christ!" objects McCoy. "I only identify the dead, I don't raise them."

Kirk and McCoy leave the scene. Corridus emerges cautiously from under the trash compactor, cleans his whiskers, looks around brightly and scuttles off in search of further adventure.

A sense of calm and completion settles over the empty stage. The world has somehow become a safer, kinder, friendlier place...

Shane walks out from stage left, scratches himself, yawns, stretches, belches loudly, and lights up a joint. "Geez!" he remarks. "Smells like somethin' died around here, eh?"

The curtain closes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:58 PM

What smells so funny around here? Go away for a day and look at the mess you guys made.

Has MOM seen this mess yet?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Capt. James T. Kirk
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:56 PM

"Beam me up, Scottie."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:51 PM

I can't take credit for it, Rapaire; the seeds of his dishonesty, like the seeds of Chongo's cruel abandonment of his sister and mother so long ago, were planted by his True Author in the first incandescent moments of his hellish birthing...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:41 PM

What a soap opera!! "Winston's OTHER Wife." Congratulations, Amos, you have now made Winston-Salem a genuine bigamist!!!


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