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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 19 Feb 09 - 09:26 AM
Rapparee 19 Feb 09 - 08:26 AM
Acme 18 Feb 09 - 10:52 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 10:37 PM
Janie 18 Feb 09 - 09:28 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Feb 09 - 09:22 PM
Amos 18 Feb 09 - 09:12 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 09:00 PM
Acme 18 Feb 09 - 08:41 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 07:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Feb 09 - 07:43 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 07:34 PM
Amos 18 Feb 09 - 07:24 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 07:12 PM
Acme 18 Feb 09 - 06:30 PM
Amos 18 Feb 09 - 05:27 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Feb 09 - 04:26 PM
Acme 18 Feb 09 - 03:07 PM
Little Hawk 18 Feb 09 - 02:38 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 11:28 AM
MMario 18 Feb 09 - 10:27 AM
Little Hawk 18 Feb 09 - 10:15 AM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 09:29 AM
MMario 18 Feb 09 - 09:10 AM
Rapparee 18 Feb 09 - 08:42 AM
Amos 18 Feb 09 - 04:47 AM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 09 - 11:55 PM
Amos 17 Feb 09 - 11:52 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 09 - 09:53 PM
Amos 17 Feb 09 - 07:30 PM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 09 - 04:39 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 09 - 04:12 PM
Amos 17 Feb 09 - 02:09 PM
MMario 17 Feb 09 - 12:27 PM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 09 - 12:22 PM
Amos 17 Feb 09 - 12:18 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 09 - 11:50 AM
Acme 17 Feb 09 - 11:43 AM
Rapparee 17 Feb 09 - 11:42 AM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 09 - 11:37 AM
Rapparee 17 Feb 09 - 11:36 AM
Amos 17 Feb 09 - 10:57 AM
Acme 17 Feb 09 - 10:05 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Feb 09 - 09:32 AM
Rapparee 17 Feb 09 - 03:25 AM
Little Hawk 16 Feb 09 - 11:48 PM
Amos 16 Feb 09 - 11:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Feb 09 - 10:59 PM
Little Hawk 16 Feb 09 - 10:46 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Feb 09 - 10:09 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 09:26 AM

Definitely a Duct Tape Opportunity, and the video will be widely acclaimed on You Tube. Narrative in print will round up to two million, and paperback adds 35%. Lesseee...England, France, Thailand, Monrovia....looks good.

A couple of points off the top for what's-his-name and we'll be rolling in dough....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 08:26 AM

Off? Set me off?? Off from the others??? Segregated???? Alone????? Alone and unwanted, as I spent grade school?????? At kickball and other school games chosen after the fence, the telephone pole, the asphalt on the playground, just as the bell ending recess rang??????? Coming out of school only to find that my bicycle had deserted me????????? Having no one to talk with, no friends, shunned even by the stray curs that inhabited the alleys?????????? Being known as the only kid in school who, as he trudged homeward, didn't even have the song of birds to cheer him???????????

Ah well. Go on. Set me off by myself in a dusty corner. I'm used to it. I've grown up and old with it. I can live through it. I know what it's like to go vote and have the ballot box spit my vote back out at me. I know what it's like to be ready to answer Roll Call in the Army and never have my name called. To fall into the swamps of Florida and be the only one in the group NOT to be devoured by alligators. To have the sky remain dark over my head, to spend every day and night without the light of the sun and moon. To have the electric light switch work for everyone but me.

Go on. Set me off.

I'm used to it by now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:52 PM

Janie, don't set him off. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:37 PM

Yes, yes I am. The scene for my seams seems unseemly, and I might have to cuff my rotator around a bit.

I'll know Monday morning.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:28 PM

Rapaire, it would appear that all those years of living the life of a Legionaire have taken their toll. You seem to be coming apart at the seams, dear man.

Have you thought of pasting yourself together with duct tape? It's a lot less expensive than all these tests and surgeries.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:22 PM

Shouldn't that last line be:

...And little pools of turtle shit.


Nay. Everything in the poem is something with which I've had first-hand experience vis a vis paper towels. I've never picked up pools of turtle shit, but I have picked up turds of poodle shit.

The truth of the matter is I never used to use paper towels. There was always a damp dishcloth available to wipe up spills and crumbs. Then I started buying microwavable frozen pre-cooked sausage patties. Just plop one on a saucer, nuke it for a minute and blot it with a paper towel to absorb the grease. Sorry, but I'm not eating a sausage patty that's been blotted with a dirty dishcloth. So now the paper towels are there on the bar all the time and, yes, I've become an addict.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:12 PM

Rapairel fortifies the sink
By escapades upon the links
And going on a kleptomanic jag
Robbing golfers by the score
While they're busy, yelling "Fore!"
And nicking all the tee-towels from their bags.

He'll pretend he's on a stroll
And sniff around the fifteenth hole
And say he's searching for a ball awry,
Then the golfers in their ruts
Focused on their drives and putts
Will never see him slide up on the sly!

ANd their curses won't befoul us
When they find their bags are towel-less
We'll be snug and safe and sound at home!
Slimy as the ocean fishes
Rapaire's doing up the dishes
Let the towelless golfers fuss and foam!!

Old Rapaire, from Pocatello,
Is a most ingenious fellow!
Never lacks a towel or a poem
Where others buy or write (with wheezes)
He just grabs what e'er he pleases!
Recession's not a problem in the Bookman's happy home!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:00 PM

I, too, have tea towels. Or rather, tee towels. I get from unattended golf bags.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 08:41 PM

Do we need a knockoff of your famous spatula thread?

BS: How many types of paper towels do you use?

I like those ½ size sheets since I tend to tear the full-sized ones into pieces. Mostly I don't use paper towels, I use cheap terrycloth wash cloths and a bunch of dish towels (what the Brits call "tea towels," I think).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:47 PM

Shouldn't that last line be:

...And little pools of turtle shit.

??????????


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:43 PM

Yeah, I know it's a day late and a dollar short, but I've been busy and haven't had time to compose until now my....

Ode to the Paper Towel

Hail to thee, oh paper towel
Absorber of spills most foul
Viva, Bounty, Brawny, Scott
Wiper up of splooge and snot
Cheapies from the Dollar Store
Removeth cat puke from the floor
Oh dear towel, so revered
Cleans Alfredo from my beard
And never shunneth blood nor spit
Nor little turds of poodle shit


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:34 PM

The MRI was really rough
Peeking at the rotator cuff
Laying there was total drudgery
To see if I'll need shoulder surgery.
If I don't, suffice to say
I will have to have PT some day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:24 PM

The Judge looked into his left shoulder,
He said "My joint looks sorry."
He said "The tendons are worn thin,
From fencing with yon Geordie."


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:12 PM

Gee, I had an MRI of my left shoulder.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 06:30 PM

At least once. Amazing how often a bad bun is applicable, no?

I've been going through the Adobe tutorials today. Add a stiff neck (no new glasses yet--sometime next week) to eye strain and I need to go walk the dogs or weed the garden, move around for a while. Ugg.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 05:27 PM

Henry? The caster of seed that brought about the birth of that illegitimate boy, Hargrove, on a debauched and drunken lost weekend in Skaneateles? Of course, it wasn't Henry's fault. No one warned him of the intoxicating potency of thos eimported liqueurs...

When the young boy asked his mother, the local waitress, where he had come from, she sighed and replied, "Absinthe made thee, Hargrove Fonda.".

But I have told this tale before, have I not?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 04:26 PM

From the Wikipedia article on Skaneateles:

In 2006 164 residential properties in the Town of Skaneateles were assessed at more than a million dollars, compared to only two such properties in all the rest of Onondaga County.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 03:07 PM

Last time I was in "downtown" Skaneateles it looked like a summer community for rich folks. And isn't there a big estate out by the water? I bought a krumkake iron in a gourmet shop, first place I'd seen one, and I probably paid too much, but I'd been wanting one for a long time. I still have it. I recall that it was a place that was quite proud of itself. My friend I used to visit there was married to a local, in the Fonda family. Same family as Henry.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 02:38 PM

LOL! Oh, you are so right, Mario. They haven't changed at all in the past 40 years, I guess, have they?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 11:28 AM

But it could well be colloquial.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:27 AM

Skaneateles ain't "quaint". Stuck up, hoity toity, self-aggrandizing, and bigoted. But not "quaint".

Quaint would be so common, Skaneateles would never be quaint.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 10:15 AM

You're referring to downtown Skaneateles, aren't you, MMario?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:29 AM

Exactly! Like "They're erecting something quaint and colloquial." That means it'll be something obscene. Or "My, isn't that colloquial and quaint?", which means, of course, that the vice squad will have to close it down if they can stomach getting close enough to do so.

I got me a degree in English (lit) and I've studied linguistics (lit), so I know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:10 AM

Everyone knows that "colloquial" means "dirty, filthy, obscene to the highest degree

except when it means "quaint" - which is itself is obscene to the highest degree


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 08:42 AM

See? Sr. Guerra was right! Everyone knows that "colloquial" means "dirty, filthy, obscene to the highest degree."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 04:47 AM

It's colloquial.

That's why!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:55 PM

Babelfish had a little trouble with it. This is what it says:

"Papele lives the towel! Hummed made fun of zumbai already! Papele lives the towel Hummed made fun of zumbai already! Fresh and spilled coffee! And Even puppy urine! Ai, my breast, ai, my breast! Drippings after sex! That they are useful for everything! Papele lives the towel! Hummed made fun of zumbai already!"

Puzzling.

My guess is that Amos intended to say:

Long live toilet paper! Long live toilet paper! Fresh and spilled coffee! Even dog urine! Oh, mama! Oh, mama! Drippings after sex! It's good for everything! Long live toilet paper!

The only part that totally baffles me and which I have no explanation for is "Hummed made fun of zumbai already!"...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:52 PM

I am truly honored, sir, to have so much unwanted attention sent in my direction.

Tell your friends they must first listen and watch the Ten Greatest You Tube Videos of all time. THEN they will understand. And, need I say, the Cancion de los Toallas de Papel is dedicated to Mom's Own Book Boy, Rapaire. For reasons that shall not be named.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 09:53 PM

Amos, I showed you "little ditty" to my friend (and Library Board member) Sr. Guerra. He thought it quite possibly the filthiest, most obscene thing he'd ever read and is contacting the Mexican authorities to arrest and imprison you if you ever again cross the border into Mexico. He is considering contacting some gangsters in San Diego he knows to, in his words, "make [you] part of the Great Majority, but slowly, slowly."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 07:30 PM

THinking better of M. Hack is not an uncommon error, Rapaire. Why, I've made it myself!!

But anyway, I am glad you liked my little Spanish ditty to paper towels, Little Hawk.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 04:39 PM

Ha! Ha! Great song, Amos!

Sorry, Rapaire, I just couldn't resist.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 04:12 PM

That there's one of them Southern Californy versions of "Kumbaya," right?

LH, I thought better of you. Now you're talking like Shame used to, insulting someone who tries to do you good. Tsk, tsk.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 02:09 PM

Viva la toalla papele!
Zumbada zumbada zumbai ya!
Viva la toalla papele
Zumbada zumbada zumbai ya!
Fresca y cafe derramado!
Y Incluso cachorro orina!
Ai, mi mama, ai, mi mama!
Goteos después de coito!
Que son útiles para todo!
Viva la toalla papele!
Zumbada zumbada zumbai ya!

Alfonse Avenida de Madisones
Ccanciones Commerciales para mi Pueblo
Guadalajara, 1949


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 12:27 PM

27701


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 12:22 PM

It's "mis cojones", you idiota. I've heard they resemble dessicated raisins...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 12:18 PM

Which could use a little Bounty of their own, given their usual mode of use...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:50 AM

Sorry.

It should be "Viva mes cojones!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:43 AM

Amos, you're the quicker-picker-upper, and got the reference, the rest of them are still off in VIVA-land.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:42 AM

Viva me cojones!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:37 AM

Viva las encantadas!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 11:36 AM

I'm just plying around, picking things up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 10:57 AM

You guys are on a roll, aren't you?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 10:05 AM

Such a Bounty of Vivas here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 09:32 AM

Viva paper towels!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 09 - 03:25 AM

Until the Revolution. Come the Revolution you will all be stood up in front of The Wall and you KNOW what happens next.

Viva la Revolucion! Viva la Guerra de Liberdad! Viva la Quinze Brigada! Viva el Zorro! Viva Muiretta! Viva los Muertos!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 11:48 PM

I like it. ;-) Capitalism doing what it does best...and I'm sure it is of much benefit to Mexico.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 11:33 PM

You guys from Wonderland ought to come down and watch the flow into San Ysidro from Tijuana on a typical afternoon, and count the discount medical and dental patients who have been a l'otro lado for a day of thinning, filling, botox, detox, or any other treatment you can imagine. They come across in their scores and hundreds every day. Within a short walk's distance from the San Ysidro gateway, there are a hundred or two pharmacies, and an equal number of dentists. Something must be happening to keep them all in business.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 10:59 PM

Yes, somewhere in the greater San Diego area there's a dentist having to eat Porterhouse steak tonight instead of Chateaubriand and it's all Amos's fault.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 10:46 PM

It is shocking, isn't it, Rapaire? I think Homeland Security should be informed that Amos is spending American money outside these Yew-nited States of America!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 10:09 PM

Amos only despises self-referential first-person decrepitude because he's never had it prepared the right way. The proper way to cook a mess of self-referential first-person decrepitude is to grill it on an open fire fueled by Möbius strips. Now that's some good eatin'!


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