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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

keberoxu 19 Jul 17 - 01:42 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 19 Jul 17 - 02:28 PM
Rapparee 19 Jul 17 - 06:43 PM
keberoxu 19 Jul 17 - 06:58 PM
Rapparee 19 Jul 17 - 08:44 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 19 Jul 17 - 08:49 PM
Donuel 20 Jul 17 - 09:30 AM
Rapparee 20 Jul 17 - 04:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 20 Jul 17 - 09:11 PM
Rapparee 20 Jul 17 - 10:51 PM
Rapparee 21 Jul 17 - 09:52 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Jul 17 - 11:01 AM
keberoxu 21 Jul 17 - 04:55 PM
Rapparee 21 Jul 17 - 09:30 PM
Rapparee 21 Jul 17 - 09:32 PM
gnu 21 Jul 17 - 09:34 PM
gnu 21 Jul 17 - 11:36 PM
Acme 22 Jul 17 - 01:04 PM
Donuel 22 Jul 17 - 01:32 PM
Acme 23 Jul 17 - 09:37 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Jul 17 - 10:54 AM
Rapparee 23 Jul 17 - 12:17 PM
Amos 23 Jul 17 - 05:33 PM
Rapparee 23 Jul 17 - 05:48 PM
Donuel 24 Jul 17 - 09:46 AM
Rapparee 24 Jul 17 - 10:14 AM
Donuel 24 Jul 17 - 12:05 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Jul 17 - 03:39 PM
Acme 24 Jul 17 - 04:01 PM
Donuel 24 Jul 17 - 04:08 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Jul 17 - 08:56 PM
Rapparee 24 Jul 17 - 09:51 PM
Rapparee 25 Jul 17 - 09:56 AM
Rapparee 25 Jul 17 - 10:01 PM
Donuel 26 Jul 17 - 08:42 AM
Rapparee 26 Jul 17 - 10:23 AM
Donuel 26 Jul 17 - 05:54 PM
Donuel 26 Jul 17 - 06:05 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Jul 17 - 06:21 PM
Donuel 26 Jul 17 - 09:04 PM
Rapparee 26 Jul 17 - 09:39 PM
Amos 26 Jul 17 - 11:55 PM
Rapparee 27 Jul 17 - 09:48 AM
JennyO 27 Jul 17 - 04:15 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Jul 17 - 04:41 PM
Rapparee 27 Jul 17 - 08:20 PM
Acme 27 Jul 17 - 08:26 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Jul 17 - 09:17 PM
Rapparee 27 Jul 17 - 09:38 PM
JennyO 28 Jul 17 - 12:43 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 01:42 PM

Your Rapturous Rapness, what is the update
concerning the Muster before
the Alien Invasion in August?

(re: post to this thread roughly 5 June)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 02:28 PM

I have decided to do my part against the alien invaders by moving to France and fighting alongside our French brothers and sisters. I hear French MREs contain a tin of chicken* paté and a wheel of Brie. Beats hell out of vegetarian taco pasta.



* Yes, chicken paté. You don't really expect to find real goose paté in MREs, do you? After all, military personnel are expected to endure a few hardships.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 06:43 PM

Why and how this came to me I'll never know. I pass it on to the party to whom it is addressed.

To: Mr. Bee-dubya-ell
From: The President

Greetings!

Your number is up and you are to report to the Florida Mountains Induction Center, Deming, New Mexico, at 0430 CDT, 01 August 2017 for immediate induction into the Defense Forces (or, alternately, the Defence Forces). Should you fail to so report you became eligible to be fed to Wampus Cats and a fine of not less than 47,213 in the lawful currency of the United States of America.

It is recommended that you bring your own toothbrush and a clean set of underwear.

You fellows salute you, thank you, and recognize the great adventure upon which you are about to undertake. I am certain that you will do us all proud.

Thankfully yours,
Don Donaldo Juan
El Presidente


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 06:58 PM

Wait a minute, wait a minute....Mangas Coloradas, and the Apaches?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:44 PM

Also ordered for Induction.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:49 PM

Dear He Whose Name I Shall Never Speak Immediately After the Word "President",

Thank you very much for the nice induction letter. Unfortunately, I have other plans for the coming alien invasion. And I don't wear underwear except on special occasions.


Vive la France!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 09:30 AM

Dr. Alfred Einstein von Neuman
Moreliver Institute
2727 Winding Way
Suitland MD.

To:

President of the United States
Mara Lago Golf Resort
Mara Lago FL

Dear Mr. President,

It has been confirmed that a cyber attack has been waged upon the USA by corrupting AI code in all GPS and appliance systems of American citizens. This recent attack occurred six months ago.

I am sure you are aware how Interstate traffic has been redirected to Trump resorts and hotels. As of 6AM on 20 July 2017, refrigerators nation wide are messaging smart phones to display Ivana products on sale.

We believe this cyber attack is a Russian sponsored intrusion.
The cyber defense installation at Moreliver Institute respectfully requests permission to counter attack and neutralize this threat.
We await your honorable decision.

Sincerely, Dr. Alfred Neuman.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 04:02 PM

France? They have mobilized La Legion Etranger to fight! The Imperial Guards are again going to ride! La Armee Francaise is already on the attack! Would you forsake your country in this, her hour of need?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 09:11 PM

If the United States of America wants me to fight the aliens on its soil, it really needs to provide something edible in its Meals-Ready-to-Eat. Cheez-Whiz and saltines do not compare favorably with Brie and gourmet crackers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 10:51 PM

Why do you still think you'll be served MREs? Those are given to the US military! If you don't care for butter poached lobster, you may like the Maryland crabcakes or the filet mignon with garlic butter, you might like the cider-brined pork loin with grilled asparagus. Fruitade mixes are out, out, out -- chilled vintage champagne or other wine complementing the dish, a very good craft beer (or Bud Lite if you want others to throw up), a good cider or cidre.... Of course, desserts are in keeping with the meals, and a glass of good port or sherry or a nice single malt with a good cigar (if you so chose) completes dining. Oh yes! The coffee is estate grown kona or Jamaica Blue Mountain.

MREs? No. Nor C-rations left over from Vietnam or earlier.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 09:52 AM

Induced induction awaits! Earth Must Be Saved!

Yesterday the Coalition of Evil met! They will soon test their nefarious weapons! First the Moon will dim and then the sun will go out! El Presidente Don Don Juan has mobilized the SEALs, the Green Berets, Delta Force, and others even more secret to stop these things! But they cannot do it alone! YOU must step up, voluntarily or not, and join The Regiment or at least Earth's Legion1! Do it now before you are induced, deduced, seduced, and reduced by induction!

GLORY! TRAVEL! PATRIOTISM! GOOD DEEDS! THE THANKS OF A GRATEFUL PLANET!




1 Earth's Legion is not connected with, in whole or in part, the brave and courageous Idaho Legion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 11:01 AM

Sorry, but I'm still pretty determined to join mes frères et s?urs in France. Oh, the Legion menu sounds pretty nice, but the fact that the effort is being promoted by Presidente Don Juan sort of sours me to the whole deal. I'm not particularly fond of being thrown under buses, and that seems to be second only to golf as one of El Presidente's favorite sports. I fear that Democrats would be posted to the front lines while Republicans observe the battle by video feed on their smart phones while golfing at one of Don Juan's golf courses.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 04:55 PM

Just heard on the news
that Rhode Island is getting all exercised over Tesla cars.
why?
because Tesla prefers not to sell their autos through dealers;
and Rhode Island has a state law
that auto companies must deal with auto buyers through dealerships....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 09:30 PM

Ah, Bee-Dub? Don Don Juan, El Presidente, has no relationship whatever with the person in the White House or any of his kind. This Don Don Juan is the one discussed by Albert Camus, Jane Austen, and others. His theme music was written by Wolfgang Amadeus (Theophilus) Mozart his self! Go on, go to France! Get mixed up with Jean Jacques Casanova (a librarian, by the way)! Try to cope with knowledge that you abandoned The Earth in its Time Of Trouble just so you could sit on the Boul' Mich' and sip cafe au lait and eat beignets! As we used to say in France, geeft je planeet over aan de ruimtevreemdelingen - zie of ik het omgee!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 09:32 PM

Oh, since I'm here:

56365

Another palindromic number!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 09:34 PM

1.145 kg of fresh green beans. Will that be enough for a boiled ham dinner? Oh, I suppose youse are wondering... the cabbage? Well, it ain't local. That's for sure. Looks like shit and it's light. So, it ain't fresh, by any means. I have never cooked a boiled ham dinner without cabbage but it could actually happen tomorrow. The ham? Alberta smoked pork picnic shoulder. DEEEEElicious. Only one I ever had better was from La Belle Province. 99p/#. I bought 2. BB AUG 23. The spuds are stateside, new, white, table spuds. Pretty good. The carrots? Well, I have to assess the presently stocked but I may go with fresh carrots from Mexico. After all, it's the first feed of greeny beanies this year and my carrots are nearly five months old (I have a method of keeping them a long time in a fridge).

Well, that just about covers my news. OH! I didn't get a moose licence this year. Didn't apply. Haven't applied for years so I guess that's not news. Hmmm... I could report on other shit but nobody cares. OH! Speaking of shit, cherries are $2.47/#! If you eat 32 cherries a day, you don't need to take any blood pressure pills. But you need to buy extra toilet paper. TMI?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 11:36 PM

Ya know what? I think I will cook a boiled ham dinner with NO cabbage. I know, I know, Blasphemy! But, Mum's 90 and I'm 60 so maybe it's time to leave the flatulence to the younger folk? I mean, if it's not fresh cabbage, why fart over that?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 01:04 PM

I also have a way of saving vegetables for a long time - they usually turn into science experiments in the refrigerator. There is an old partial cabbage in there also.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 01:32 PM

You guys call yourselves patriots?

If tomorrow all the billionaires I'd worked for all my life,
Owned all cash and we're slaves including my children and my wife.
I'd thank President Trump and Putin who are here to stay
Where the red white and blue stands for Russia and USA


And I'm proud to support all of our Trumps cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the votes suppressed that brought us this great day.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Donald today.
'Cause it aint fake fact that Russia hacked, God bless the Tweeter's way

From the camps in Vladivostok to nuke plants of Tennessee,
From Norlands to the North pole and Moscow to LA,
There's pride in all our oligarchs who we won't betray,
So it's time to stand up and salute: God bless the rich man's way

I'm proud to be a Russian Asset cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Putin today.
'Cause it ain't fake fact that Russia hacked! God bless the Putin way.

And I'm proud to support all of our Trumps cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up... next to you and defend him still today.
'Cause it aint fake fact that Russia hacked God bless the Twitler way.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 09:37 AM

Careful! This is a thread for high quality Bullshit - Politics is the lowest form, it's beneath MOM's feet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 10:54 AM

Thanks for the parody, Don. Unfortunately, you have chosen to parody the song at the top of my most-hated list. The mere act of mentally singing that tune as I read your words precipitated a painful bout of diarrhea.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 12:17 PM

Here, Bee-dub. This'll help clear your mind of an earworm.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 05:33 PM

Oh, Mom! Politics is SUCH a messy field right now it makes me feel tortured. So I will not say anything more. I apologize for my long absence from your sacred halls. I am running off for burgers at Mudcat Janie's tonight with much music making and merriment in store plus mojitos. Sayonora!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 05:48 PM

That's Amos. Flitting off somewhere, leaving Mom in our caring hands. Off to Janie's, off to Dani's -- he'll probably even be at Getaway. And I...I sit here in Idaho, as I have been, contemplating the day when I too can flit around like a moth at a flame! Consider that whilst Amos is having the raucous time of Getaway, I shall be in Iceland. While Amos is preparing for wild, uninhibited, excitement in Maryland, I will instead be following the path trodden by the late, much lamented Art Thieme and shall be on a steamboat on the Mississippi, traveling from Minnesota to New Orleans. Go on, Amos! Mother will survive.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 09:46 AM

Rap you will have to remotely access this somewhat more erudite text version of Mystery Science 3000. Getaways prove unlikely for me. My wife is minimally ambulatory and my son is agoraphobic while I am the only driver. At best I can provide a 17 year belated introduction via you tube playing operatic excerpts on ukulele.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 10:14 AM

Ya ever hear of Skype?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 12:05 PM

Skype might expose how inarticulate I am in real time. Besides, while I have participated on Skype, believe it or not I have never independently Skyped here or overseas.

I did have a website but after it was banned from access to our troops in Afghanistan, it simply disappeared. While I believe in mechanical and mystical forces at work in the world, the mechanical/digital forces seem to turn against me.

Who would I Skype?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 03:39 PM

I hear them Skypes is purty good eatin' if ya bleed 'em real good an' marinate 'em in soy sauce overnight before tossin' 'em on the grill.

Ya just gotta be careful of them sharp spiney thangs when yer skinnin' them Skypes. Wearin' chain mail oyster shuckin' gloves is a right good idear.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 04:01 PM

You know how if you find a tick on you (walking, not attached) you tend to be kind of jumpy for a few days? I've been thinking about heading back over to my favorite wild grape vine to do more picking, but do I want to go through that tick search again? It seems a shame to let those grapes just fall to the ground if I can rescue a few pounds more. I make jelly, but MOM wants to make it into some kind of wine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 04:08 PM

e mail some of that digital wine to my 3D digital liquid printer.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 08:56 PM

Hi, Mom!

Contemplate this:

It is impossible to slather anything bad. You can slather butter, honey, or whipped cream. You can slather sunscreen. You can slather praise.

But you can't slather shit. Shit, you have to smear.

Slather = Good

Smear = Bad


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 09:51 PM

Over the years I've known some smears.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jul 17 - 09:56 AM

Acme, I understand that your daughter does LARP. I'll let her borrow my knife, if she'd like. I sharpened it pretty good!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jul 17 - 10:01 PM

Or I can lend her my Hutton saber. It's not sharp nor does it have a pointy point.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 08:42 AM

In college I sustained a 7 inch surface wound from a sabre despite a full regulation armored suit and mask. Sharp or not, Sabers are heavy percussive and dangerous.

In the Deli world a good schmear is delicious.



Some X game innovators have a knack for combining sports to create something really fresh and exciting;

Cross country bowling, Sabre badminton, Interstate wheel chair rallies, Poker skydiving and my favorite, Tour de Darts (darts vs. bikes) -fan participation is terrific.

At the store I enjoy Demolition shopping cart derby.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 10:23 AM

First, you don't fence in armor. Secondly, you're supposed to block the cuts and thrusts. Thirdly, your opponent was probably doing something unsafe. But consider: you have a saber scar and you can reminisce about your days at Heidelberg as a member of a Studentcorps, cutting your swath with a Mensurschläger and drinking beer until bleary.

As for Truly Extreme Sports: Skeet Jumping (ski jumping while shooting skeet), ice tennis, figure gymnasics, high bump (done with cars), horse hockey (riding horses on ice and you have several "pucks"), and naked bobsled come to immediately to mind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 05:54 PM

It was only one semester and my opponent was the teacher. Armor sounds better than fencing uniform, gear, outfit or kit. I don't scar, at least not visibly. Unlike you it wasn't my sport.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 06:05 PM

I'm embarrassed by the one Olympic sport in which I truly exceeded.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 06:21 PM

Personally, I prefer a sledgehammer for fencing. It's much better than a sword for beating those metal posts into the ground. And for the wooden ones, I use post-hole diggers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 09:04 PM

I meant excelled

I use a 10 pounder


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 09:39 PM

Last time I did them metal fenceposts I used one of these. It's also a dandy doorknocker.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Jul 17 - 11:55 PM

One of my new friends here in North Carolina used to dig holes like that for a living, but he retired to become a post-holedigger.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jul 17 - 09:48 AM

Guy over in Nevada back in the 1880s hired an old Dutchman to dig postholes. The old fella did it with one of those railroad pinch bars, jamming it into the ground and working it to make the hole. He kept the line as straight as a surveyor's layout, too. On his first day he asked how far to do postholes and was told to keep going until the rancher came to get him.

Around noon the rancher had a heart attack and died. And ever today riders say that you can see the old Dutchman, his pinch bar now about a foot long, digging his postholes and if asked he just says, "Dey come and git me soon."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 27 Jul 17 - 04:15 PM

Speaking of extreme sports - I knew this guy who used to do Naked Skydiving. Thank goodness I never saw him do it - doesn't bear thinking about - all that tackle waving about. He's dead now, but apparently not from the skydiving. I wonder what else he was into? He was a strange chap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Jul 17 - 04:41 PM

Well, that depends on your definition of "not from the skydiving". If you mean he didn't go "SPLAT!" because his chute failed to open, you're correct. His chute deployed properly, but he died from blood loss when an eagle mistook a certain part of his anatomy for a tasty snake.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jul 17 - 08:20 PM

Got his tackle under the straps.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Jul 17 - 08:26 PM

Rap, my daughter is a blacksmith so can probably make herself something to use should she require a durable blade. For now she uses one that is cartoonishly lightweight. The sword is fake but the hair is real, and she made many of the costumes people wore for this particular adventure.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Jul 17 - 09:17 PM

There was a skydiver from Bude
Who dove from a plane in the nude
And a curious grackle
Took a bite from his tackle
'Cause it looked a bit like seafood


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Jul 17 - 09:38 PM

Just offerin'. As I sit here, right over my head (actually a bit to my left) a Hutton saber is crossed with a repro of an 18th Century small sword. In addition to the epees, etc. there are Other Things in the closet. There is a corn knife and a Gerber machete in the workshop and a sickle in the garage. Yes, I have and do use them at times!

A corn knife, years back, damned near cut my right hamstring. We were clearing tall weeds and corn from a soybean field and the guy to my right chopped at one. I felt a pull on my jeans, looked, and said, "You cut my pants." He was sort of in shock and replied, "That's not all I cut!" This being a Boy Scout thing the Scoutmaster got to practice the medic skills he'd used in the South Pacific. Fortunately it wasn't all that deep and all I got out of it was a scar. The guy who cut me later embezzled enough money from his family's bakery business to bankrupt it and the last I knew (or cared) he was residing at the Graybar Hotel.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 12:43 AM

Hells Bells Bee-dubya, just the thought of that brings tears to the eyes!


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