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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 24 Feb 06 - 08:07 AM
John MacKenzie 24 Feb 06 - 08:34 AM
Rapparee 24 Feb 06 - 09:47 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Feb 06 - 09:51 AM
Acme 24 Feb 06 - 10:11 AM
Rapparee 24 Feb 06 - 03:02 PM
John MacKenzie 24 Feb 06 - 03:08 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 06 - 03:42 PM
Amos 24 Feb 06 - 04:36 PM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 06 - 04:38 PM
John MacKenzie 24 Feb 06 - 06:12 PM
Acme 24 Feb 06 - 06:35 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 06 - 06:40 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Feb 06 - 08:30 PM
Amos 24 Feb 06 - 10:22 PM
Little Hawk 25 Feb 06 - 12:13 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Feb 06 - 12:23 AM
Little Hawk 25 Feb 06 - 12:25 AM
Amos 25 Feb 06 - 12:52 AM
Tweed 25 Feb 06 - 06:57 AM
Acme 25 Feb 06 - 12:24 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Feb 06 - 12:57 PM
John MacKenzie 25 Feb 06 - 01:25 PM
Acme 25 Feb 06 - 01:56 PM
Amos 25 Feb 06 - 03:37 PM
Rustic Rebel 25 Feb 06 - 03:39 PM
Amos 25 Feb 06 - 04:31 PM
John MacKenzie 25 Feb 06 - 04:37 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Feb 06 - 06:13 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Feb 06 - 06:30 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 06 - 06:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Feb 06 - 07:15 PM
Acme 25 Feb 06 - 08:43 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Feb 06 - 09:07 PM
Tweed 25 Feb 06 - 09:22 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 06 - 09:53 PM
Tweed 25 Feb 06 - 10:03 PM
Amos 25 Feb 06 - 10:35 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 06 - 10:44 PM
Amos 25 Feb 06 - 11:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Feb 06 - 11:11 PM
MOAB 25 Feb 06 - 11:24 PM
Amos 26 Feb 06 - 12:14 AM
Acme 26 Feb 06 - 12:22 AM
John MacKenzie 26 Feb 06 - 04:31 AM
Tweed 26 Feb 06 - 09:36 AM
Amos 26 Feb 06 - 10:17 AM
Rapparee 26 Feb 06 - 07:42 PM
Amos 26 Feb 06 - 09:02 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Feb 06 - 10:02 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 08:07 AM

Either you are, indeed, tired, or perhaps you have just come off the LSD thread?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 08:34 AM

Snot the pale moon that excites me, that thrills and delights me.
Oh no, it's just the queerness of of you.
It isn't your snot constipation, that brings this sensation,
Oh no, it's just green-ness you blew.
♫ ♪
Giok
[and to feel in the night, the queerness of you!!]


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 09:47 AM

Why must we deal with such disgusting themes? Its snot nice, snot at all.

I cuss, you cuss, we all cuss at mucus!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 09:51 AM

I remember that song, Giok. Wasn't it done by Frankie and the Phlegmatics?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 10:11 AM

I worked with a really macho feminist back in the early 1970s. She was so tough she didn't use a handkerchief, she just turned her head, put index finger to block one nostril, and blew snot at the ground. I nearly peed myself laughing the day when she turned her head one way then the other to blow her nose, and hit both shoulders in the process.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 03:02 PM

That's useful in some situations, but snot usually done in polite company. What if she were in a museum or visiting the White House or the Queen or the Pope or something?

"'Scuse me, Queenie, but...HONK! HONK!! Ah, better. Sorry about that tapestry and that portrait. Oh, and the wine, too."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 03:08 PM

Pardon me ma'am is that my snot I saw you chew chew? ♪ ♫
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 03:42 PM

Surely you all remember the old advertising campaign for Chiffon margarine!

"When you think it's butter, but it's snot...."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 04:36 PM

How did this fine, upstanding thread get turned so slimey? Does Mom know you guys are in the basement playing with your mucous membranes?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 04:38 PM

We really need someone dignified, a natural leader like William Shatner, to step in now and then and restore some decency to this thread...and, dare I say it, this entire forum.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 06:12 PM

Goodness nose that's snot a bad idea LH.
Giok
[It's a terrible idea!]


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 06:35 PM

What in this ongoing snot conversation do you suppose convinced the Google robot to place ads for antique violins and golf clubs (putters) in the banner at the bottom?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 06:40 PM

I ain't gonna go there, except to say that you lay the side of your face on a violin. I've never seen anyone use a putter that way, but I suppose you could if you really wanted to.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 08:30 PM

The only connection I know of between snot and fiddles is a running joke among my musician friends about wiping boogers on fiddle bowhair. A fiddler will come back from a smoke or bathroom break and be told that so-and-so wiped boogers on her bowhair while she was gone. (Yes, it's juvenile, but you know how silly things can get between tunes at sessions.)

That's probably the source of the fiddle-related Google ads. It's pretty scary considering that I've never mentioned it before which means that Google read my mind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 06 - 10:22 PM

That's just what they get for playing too many notes.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 12:13 AM

The one saving grace of this thread is that it has not yet offended Shambles...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 12:23 AM

Well, send the fucker around and we'll by God offend him!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 12:25 AM

If you do, I predict it will drive this thread another 1,000 posts in record time. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 12:52 AM

LH, you goddamn well behave!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 06:57 AM

O, goddam goddam GODDAM!!! What funny goddam BS!! You guys are getting to be like....goddam professionals at this.

Goddammit!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 12:24 PM

Tweed, did you go back and read it from the beginning to evaluate our overall improvement in the field? Are there any old strands of the discussion we should revisit and improve upon?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 12:57 PM

Methinks I detect a note of sarcasm in yon Tweed's post. Perhaps he is insinuating that the current level of BS on this thread fails to favorably compare to that of the early days when he, himself, was an active MOABite.

Well, I agree! And I believe we can lay the blame firmly upon the shoulders of khandu, who no longer visits us often enough to keep our prattlings from devolving into talk of bodily fluids and functions. Of course, it's understandable that khandu wouldn't want to come around very often since MOABites might still refer to him as King khandu, which is not totally accurate since undergoing that surgical procedure while on vacation in Switzerland. She looks funny with that goatee, but the doctors say it'll stop growing soon and fall out of its own accord.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 01:25 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying,
"All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in
a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on,
cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train,but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is
no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the fat b**ch in the kitchen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Choo choo!

G.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 01:56 PM

BWL, I was hoping for a little reminiscing or reintroduction of an old topic. Since it didn't happen, I've played my own version of web "drop the needle" and just plopped my mouse down in the middle of the numbers at the top of our beloved MOAB and come up with this post:


    Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
    From: Rapaire - PM
    Date: 20 Oct 04 - 08:37 AM

    My brother Ted ate maggots, but he didn't do the rest of the stuff, at least as far as I know.

    He doesn't eat maggots anymore. Not for a long, long time. Ever since he left the Air Farce, in fact.


Wad'dya think?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 03:37 PM

Hell, if we're playing "drop the needle", here's a rejoinder:

Specious rationalization, Rapaire!!

Buck: Now Wilbur, put down thet shotgyun, Ah kin expleen evvuhthing!!

Wilbur: You low down varmint, knocking up our Maiseybelle!! I oughta send yew tuh Hayull!!

Buck: Now Wilbur, 't'wasn't whut yew think!! We couldn't do nuffin' 'bout it -- us wuz a CHARGE-COUPLED pair!! Like yew done read about!! 'Twasn't like we had a choice!!

Wilbur: Charge coupled, my Aunt Mathilda!! That's just spin talk. Get yer pants on, boy, we're gonna go see thuh preacher!! He'll getcha proper charge-coupled all right. Charge about five bucks. But hat least it'll make a decent woman outta Maiseybelle!

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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 03:39 PM

Food for Non-thought:::
My eyeballs bleed with teriyaki sauce that ferments from my pancake soul.
Salty, so salty that I whine with pleasure at the drop of each soy bean.
I ask the waiter in an Italian joint what he recommends and he says, "Catch me at my break."
I stood outside in the rain to try and catch a drizzle of parmesan that was left on my cheek, but my tongue wasn't long enough:::
Recall is not my best attribute, so I'll forget it and call it a tomorrow:::


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 04:31 PM

How doth the child of All B.S.
Improve each shining minute?
By randomly clicking history's page
To see what there is in it!
But sober, full of thought returns
Her wandering less than pleasant,
Reporting, pensive, that she learned
All BS is only Present!
There is no there, nor any "then"
Nor "they" elsewhere fulfilling.
And that's the lesson Mom intends
Bequeathed upon her chillun.
Turn to, turn to, the moment's here
And with our Mother's blessing,
Leave ancient pages to the sages
And get thee to BSing.

Melvin the Moabite
Book of Amos, 8:13-25
King Juvenal Harshaw Edition, Old Testament re-Translated
Heinlein Press, 1959


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 04:37 PM

I came up with this!

"Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos - PM
Date: 06 Jul 04 - 03:38 PM

I agree with you about Freda. She and I are planning to make an expedition to that cottage I told you about in the Deneb system. You remember. It'll be so great!! Quiet, moonlit nights on the side of a golden sea, where the red rivers flow down the aqua hills...And the twin moons cast multiple shadows along the crinkly sands...like Paradise!!

I can't wait.

A"

Things just get deeper and deeper

Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 06:13 PM

Speak ye of serendipity! Not only did my randomly picked previous post wind up being one of my own, but it is about randomness!

I swear I did not cheat. Just ask Mom if you don't believe me. She was right there watching.

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell - PM
Date: 09 May 05 - 11:40 PM

I don't have a random person of the day. I have a random monkey. His name is Excelsior and he is a garden variety Rhesus monkey. Nothing special about him. He doesn't have a random person either. He has a random flea. The flea's name is Brian. Brian doesn't have a random anything. He doesn't need it. Brian thinks the Universe revolves around him. He's correct. Well... sorta. The Universe actually "revolves" in a very complex figure-eight-like pattern. Brian is the center of one lobe. The center of the other lobe is a jellyfish-like creature named Burtfuhlsnizh who lives on a planet orbiting a star in another galaxy some five billion light-years away.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 06:30 PM

However, since my posting that message last May, Brian the flea has passed on to that great fleas circus in the sky. That means the center of our lobe of the Universe has been destroyed. Since that jellyfish thing at the center of the other lobe is now all that's keeping the entire Universe from careening of into whatever a universe would careen into if it went careening, we would probably all be well-advised to stock up on batteries, sardines and Vienna sausage. Or, if you're a vegetarian, stock up on whatever vegetarians usually stock up on when facing the end of the Universe. Giok can just stock up on oatmeal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 06:33 PM

I have, as is my wont, read whatever has been posted since my last posting and then I went back and re-read the entire Book of Mother. Something that our own Bee-Dubya-Ell said recently is what has stood out from all of the rest of the wisdom contained herein, and it has prompted simple questions from me, a simple man.

Quotation from what's-his-name: ...bodily fluids and functions....

Questions: Your body has fluids and functions? Really? Are bodies supposed to?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 07:15 PM

It is possible to have bodily fluids without having bodily functions, but it is extremely difficult to be alive while not having both. For example, respiration is a bodily function and mucus is a bodily fluid associated with respiration. If one ceases breathing, the mucus doesn't just disappear. It becomes worm food.

Wait a minute! Is this just a trick question to bring the topic of conversation back around to snot?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 08:43 PM

It' snot!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 09:07 PM

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapaire - PM
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 06:33 PM

I have, as is my wont, read whatever has been posted since my last posting....


Mom! Rapaire has a wont! I don't have one! I want a wont! I want a wont so much that I won't shut up until I get one! It's just not fair! Rapaire has a wont and CarolC has an ilk and what do I have? I have squat! Do you know what having squat is like? It's just like not having squat! A wont would be so much more fun. Pretty please?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 09:22 PM

.....the mucus doesn't just disappear. It becomes worm food. (Bee-Dubya)


My colleague and Peer on the Realm is correct!!! There are snot eating worms present in many gardens and cultivated areas of the world. I saw a special presentation on the Garden Channel while on hiatus at a place that had cable TV earlier this month.

Although they are truly disgusting creatures to behold they are handy to run up the old schnozzola during cold and flu season. Snoteaters have no known side effects like accelerated heart beat and spiked out blood pressure as most "modern" day sinus relief medicines. I have several hanging from each nostril as I write and am breathing like a blacksmith's bellows with a defense contract!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 09:53 PM

'Snot a leech, is it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 10:03 PM

I'm certain of it Rapaire. I like to keep the leeches in a separate jar.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 10:35 PM

Keep mah leeches in an old fruit jar, honey
Keep mah leeches in a fruit jar, now, babe;
Keep mah leeches in an ole fruit jar,
I always know jes' where they are,
Oh, honey, oh baby, of mine.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 10:44 PM

I shall not attempt to leech humor from this subject, to suck it dry (so to speak). To do so would be bloody impolite. Nor will I make any vampire puns, like "he was always stickin' his friends for drinks, and even a stake dinner was in vein."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 11:02 PM

That really sucks, man. You keep it up someone'll slug you. I think you are deficient in irony.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 11:11 PM

I saw a special presentation on the Garden Channel while on hiatus at a place that had cable TV earlier this month. (Tweed)

Mom! Tweed got to go to Hiatus! Why didn't I get to go? CarolC gets an ilk and Rapaire gets a wont and Tweed gets to go to Hiatus and I get diddle-dee-shit! Do you know what having diddle-dee-shit is like? It's a lot like having squat!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MOAB
Date: 25 Feb 06 - 11:24 PM

Bee-dubya, you brainless half-wit! Don't you know that "on hiatus" is a euphymism? It's not a real place. It's what poor lost souls like Tweed call places like homeless shelters, VD clinics, mental hospitals, detox centers and jails! Read between the lines, boy! The only place Tweed's likely to be where they have cable TV is in rehab!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 12:14 AM

Besides, BeeDub, you have BEEN on hiatus -- you just didn't notice it at the time.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 12:22 AM

Just so he doesn't have hiatus. A good antacid will help.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 04:31 AM

Do dwarves have lowatus's? Or are they just short and squat, maybe they can't be squat because Bee-Dubya-Ell has all the squat.
How can I go behind a bush for a crap if he has all the squats?
Could be nasty if I get the squits.
Giok [The Oatmeal King]


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 09:36 AM

Bee-Dubz you is suckin' that hind tit alot obver here by the looks of it, and I habv perusified this playing ground scorpulently. Momma won't gibv you diddly squat nor wonts for nothin'.

I know thar ain't much left up on the roof now, but in earlier days was you a redhared stepchile ore somethingg? I waz myself. A redhared stepchild twice included, as they found me floating in a wood CoCola crate on the White River and both sides declamed no knowledge obv my origens.

Howsomever, I did get everthing a child could aks fore and had diddlysquats and wonts aplenty to worry on. I allus felt sartain that redhared steppeeple was gifted due to thar read har. Mine turned to some other color that warn't red anymore and that's when all the trubble3 began. The diddleys disapated and the squats is all but lef for gude!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 10:17 AM

BeeDub is having us on, Tweed; he lives in the very lap of luxury now, hair or no, in a sprawling estate lined with old oaks in a tropical climate. He ACTUALLY has a whole chest of 'wonts' in his bedroom, more than any one person would need in three lifetimes. An' he takes a lot of trips and has been on hiatus more times than the average dentist.

Don't be fooled.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 07:42 PM

THAT'S where all my wonts went! I'm gonna go down to whereever it is Bee-Dubya does what he calls "living" and kick his hiatus up 'tween his shoulder blades!

And he yells to Mom about not having any wonts and all he has is squat...what's he tryin' to do, corner the market on wont, squat and ilk? Well, we'll see if he's still laughing at the plight of the wontless, the sorry of the squatless, and the injury of the ilkless when he gets a subpoena to explain hisself to the Sherman Anti-Trust Act people! When he has to play with people like pimps and politicians I'll betcha he won't feel so high-and-mighty! Who does he think he is, Tom De Lay? That Enron guy?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 09:02 PM

He's probably not as hard De Lay as that Enron guy.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Feb 06 - 10:02 PM

On the advice of my financial advisor, I have traded all my squat for an equal amount of fuck-all. He says it's a good move since most of the fuck-all is currently in the UK, but increased globalization will probably result in an increased demand for it in the US.

Meanwhile, if you don't have fuck-all just send me a PM. I've got plenty.


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