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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 24 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 04:02 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 08 - 06:36 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 08:08 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 08:55 PM
Janie 24 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM
Acme 25 Feb 08 - 12:27 AM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 09:18 AM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 10:13 AM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 12:11 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 10:09 PM
Acme 25 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 11:45 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 09:31 AM
Acme 26 Feb 08 - 10:28 AM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 10:30 AM
Peace 26 Feb 08 - 10:35 AM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 10:55 AM
MMario 26 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 12:32 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 01:09 PM
Little Hawk 26 Feb 08 - 01:21 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 01:24 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 03:55 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 06:04 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 06:09 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 06:12 PM
Little Hawk 26 Feb 08 - 06:34 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 06:48 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 07:32 PM
Acme 26 Feb 08 - 08:42 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 08:48 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 09:43 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 10:31 PM
Amos 27 Feb 08 - 10:35 AM
Acme 27 Feb 08 - 11:03 AM
Rapparee 27 Feb 08 - 12:18 PM
Amos 27 Feb 08 - 02:06 PM
Amos 27 Feb 08 - 03:21 PM
Rapparee 27 Feb 08 - 03:26 PM
Acme 27 Feb 08 - 03:58 PM
Acme 27 Feb 08 - 03:58 PM
Amos 27 Feb 08 - 05:52 PM
Rapparee 27 Feb 08 - 06:20 PM
Rapparee 27 Feb 08 - 06:54 PM
Amos 27 Feb 08 - 07:51 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM

You don't want sand in your culottes. If the guys at the Legion were worried about that they must have your best interests at heart!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 04:02 PM

Well, he didn't say he wanted it -- and after all, I gave the trick away about the "5".

But I will let him have any number he wants, if he will only say so, and will post it with impeccable timing. With all my heart, I will.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM

An olde gem attributed to various English-speaking school systems, but still worth a grin:

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room
temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.



God bless us, one and all...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 06:36 PM

Amos, I would like the following numbers:

e
pi
the square root of -1
infinity plus 1

Please send them 'round as soon as possible.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 08:08 PM

As we are well past 22K, dear sir, you will appreciate that any posts numbered e (whose numerical value truncated to 20 decimal places is:
2.71828 18284 59045 23536...) or ¹ (3.1514...) are far behind on our dusty trail, but please feel free to go back and grab them, and none will contest you. Likewise the square root of -1, whose friends call him i is somewhere back in the historical mists of our early beginnings. But I urge you to be careful in your claimancy, here, since it may be the case that ALL our numbers are imaginary, this being the MOAB and all.

As for ° +1, do be patient and it shall be yours as soon as we reach it.

Regards,


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 08:55 PM

And now to get (at last) some kicks
Hears triple-two and ten times six!!
Come forth, ye bells and trumpets loud,
And spread the news (of which I'm proud)
That by quick action, lickety-splixty
I've posted 222 and sicty!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM

Sicty? Does that mean you had a bout of barfing after that last post?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM

No, I'm fine, darlin'--just feeling a little splixty after straining my scansion bone, as it were...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 12:27 AM

Ow! That musta hurt!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 09:18 AM

I broke mine back in college, writing an epic pome I called "Beowulf" -- maybe you heard of it. Anyway, it got set wrong and now I write iambs in trochaic tetrameter and Alexandrines as blank verse. Here's an example of what I mean by the latter:


























See? And the doctors say it can't be fixed without affecting my Metricali Rose bone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 10:13 AM

I think that was not a full Alexandrine, sir, but perhaps a partial madeleine. Hard to tell in its present state.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 12:11 PM

That's why I've never become a famous poet and Required Reading.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM

My sympathies, from a fellow-sufferer. Is unrequired reading as harsh a fate, say, as unrequited love? I would think it might be, especially for a solipsist who is uncompromisingly engaged int he pursuit of self-realization in all manifestations of everyone.

Should we bemoan our respective fates as Unrequired Reading? Perhaps not. It is possible that only voluntary reading can elicit genuine, emotional, mental and spiritual responser ont he part of the Reader.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM

I hate when midday comes around,
And finds our Mom full half-way down.
It makes me fret, I do confess,
About our standard of BS!
If our BS were pure and fine,
"twould penetrate the Mudcat mind
And every Mudcat name or ghost
Would come to read, and, often, post.
But 'tis not so! No, 't is not so!
She drifts adown, and well below
The middle mark of the lower half,
Hoping some soul will read and laugh.
I urge you, MOAB sons and daughters,
To save her when she starts to totter,
And seek to better your alignment,
Your nuance, quip and pure refinement
That we might welcome one and all
Into these hallowed BS halls.


Quibbly N. Deering. Chief Pathologist
Steel Creek Center for the Ambiguously Determined
Steel Creek, Manislaw, Virginia


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 10:09 PM

Oh, Mom! I'm so sorry, but I had to attend a Leadership Conference on getting and giving feedback all afternoon at City Hall. And so I found you near the bottom. I'll do my best, I will, but Amos has to take some responsibility around here.

In the meantime, I learned about feedback. That's when you go out and feed the chickens, and some hours later you get your feed back.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM

I'm feeding chicken broth to a kid who is under the weather. Can't decide which end might go. . . I hate that!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 11:45 PM

I have spent a weary evening trying to help a friend who has a loony mate, never an easy proposition.

I like coming back here to vent. A spot of sanity where people take responsibility for themselvesa and add humor to the world.

We really don't deserve such a nice thread.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 09:31 AM

I have to go visit the Mayor in 90 minutes. That qualifies as sitting with a loony, doesn't it? HE wasn't at the Conference yesterday so HE doesn't know about feedback. That makes me smarter than him. I'm also smarter than he is because I'm not a politician.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:28 AM

Will you be cranky in your meeting, because of your knee?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:30 AM

...or will you be needy, in your meeting, because of your crank?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Peace
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:35 AM

I'bve never done a 22,275 th post before. I won't be able to say that again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:55 AM

WHy won't you be able to say it again?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM

It is quite easy to say.

It is just a sort of "ih" sound and then the 't"

like "id" only tee instead of dee


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 12:32 PM

Unlike MMario, which is almost unpronounceable. ;>)


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 01:09 PM

Actually, Peace, you can say it anytime you want. Watch me say similar things:

"I just got post numbe 33,333!"
"This is post number 11,111 and I got it!"
"Number 100! Ha!"
"WOOHA! Number infinity plus 1!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 01:21 PM

Yeah, it's easy. "At last! I snagged the 333,333rd post! I rock!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 01:24 PM

Peace:

Yeah, Rapaire has lots of good advice, but just try to get him to be forthcoming about his cranky knee or his needy crank and woddya get? Zip, is what!!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 03:55 PM

Okay, Amos, you asked for it.

My left knee is painful and swollen. It sort of crunches when I walk and I'm walking with a hiking stick for extra support. I cannot raise my lower leg very high, it's painful getting up out of a sitting position, and I cannot (at the moment) play my trumpet with my toes.

I'm going to the doctor at 11 a.m. tomorrow and to an orthpod at 2:50 p.m. tomorrow. I hope to know more about the problem then, at least more than I do now, which is that my left knee is painful and swollen, etc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:04 PM

Well, that's half the question answered anyway. Good job, thanks. I really wish you a successful visit to the doc. If you need a damn titanium nee because you have kiboshed your patella, get 'er done in all due haste sez me!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:09 PM

I think the patella is fine. It's the other parts that worry me.

Yes, I suspect they will cut my knee open and Do Something In There. Probably take out parts of my body. They're doing that, you know. Tooth extractions, colon polyps -- you see, there's Secret Government Organization which is trying to clone me because genetic perfection is desired. They take bits and pieces so they have enough of my genetic material to insure success.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:12 PM

And if I had more money I wouldn't BE a needy crank!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:34 PM

Needy cranks are a chronic problem in North Ontario, and I think that may account for the heavy per capita alcohol consumption up there.

Or it could be the weather...

Maybe both, eh? ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:48 PM

Drinking...now THAT'S a good idea!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 07:32 PM

The biggest problem is not those being needy cranks, but those owning one.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 08:42 PM

You're lucky to have insurance. A dear friend who died last summer had been jerked around for several years by the county as he waited for a hip replacement. He had arthritis and was injured about five years ago, and was no longer able to afford his insurance. I know that between inadequate health care and the slowness of the public charity system he probably lost 30-40 years (he was 47).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 08:48 PM

Two two two and ninety, dear firends.

I am sorry for his hardships.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 09:43 PM

I am very grateful to have the insurance I do. Believe it or not, the city even pays 90% of Pat's coverage. When I started it paid everything for both of us. Granted that we have to pay our own dental and vision, but those don't amount to a lot per paycheck.

This is the first job I've had with benefits like this (apart from the Army). I go to the doctor pretty much of my choice, I don't need a referral for a specialist, and my co-pay is $20 per visit. Medicines are $20 or $10 co-pay, depending upon whether or not it's generic, and I can get up to 100 days supply at one time.

Yeah, I got it good. I ain't complainin', believe me. I just think of those who aren't as lucky and, well...something has to be done.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:31 PM

I'd say you made a good call going up there.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 10:35 AM

I arrive!!

I check mail for urgent things and address them!!

I review the current Dilbert and Doonesbury!!

I review the New York Times!!

I say hello to Mom!!

Then I turn to and delve and dig in the arcane world of Patentlandia.

Then I go home and take a nap.

And I wonder...

Mom, is this all there is?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 11:03 AM

Sometimes it is. It's those times when it isn't that are good though, aren't they?

SRS delves back into her web calendar updates and campus email reminders . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 12:18 PM

Well, Amos, the alternative is somewhat worse.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 02:06 PM

There are many alternatives, amigo, some better, as well. For example, being unexpectedly called to the Court of St. James for knighting and awarded a handsome pension would be better.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 03:21 PM

I should higher Will.I.Am to make ME a video. "Yes, It Is!" "It's All There Is" "You better make the best you can of what you see, cuz there ain't much more'n that" "Yes, It Is" "Yes It Is"...etc, etc.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 03:26 PM

Yeah, but then you'd have to learn to curtsy and wear QE2 hats and long dresses and things. Eventually, Chuckie would become King Chuckles I and send you to the Tower; eventually you'd just lose your head over that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 03:58 PM

Naw, surely Charles II? One lost his head over it already.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 03:58 PM

22300


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 05:52 PM

My, that was a big number gracefully snatched from idle currents of fortune!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 06:20 PM

Yes, I was going to snare it but decided to let someone else have it instead.

Rather than be a Grabby-Grabby, I went to the orthopod. He took one look at my knee and said, "Kinda swollen." Then he did some knee jerks on my knees, and ordered x-rays. X-rays didn't show much (except that I have exceptionally good looking bones). The Doc suspects I have a sprained medial collateral ligament and, likely, a meniscus tear. He gave me a shot of cortisone/lidocaine mixture and said that if I was still "crunching" as I walk in two weeks to call him and he'd order up an MRI -- and then surgery.

So even though I have been in pain I still showed the kindness and consideration, the thoughtfulness, that Mom instilled in me and I let Amos have 22,300.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 06:54 PM

I'm sorry, it must be the drugs or the pain. I let Stilly have 22,300 and Amos have 22,301.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Feb 08 - 07:51 PM

Your generosity surpasseth all understanding, indeed, good oaf-head!! As for your sorry misadventures, I have to ask what a good looking guy like you is doing with a joint like that?


A


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