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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 23 Jan 09 - 09:32 AM
Rapparee 23 Jan 09 - 01:16 PM
MMario 23 Jan 09 - 01:38 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jan 09 - 01:40 PM
Amos 23 Jan 09 - 02:34 PM
Rapparee 23 Jan 09 - 03:48 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jan 09 - 04:16 PM
Rapparee 23 Jan 09 - 04:34 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jan 09 - 04:40 PM
Amos 23 Jan 09 - 04:47 PM
Acme 23 Jan 09 - 05:04 PM
Rapparee 23 Jan 09 - 05:27 PM
Acme 23 Jan 09 - 10:35 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jan 09 - 10:38 PM
Rapparee 24 Jan 09 - 10:20 AM
Acme 24 Jan 09 - 11:13 AM
Acme 24 Jan 09 - 11:41 AM
Acme 24 Jan 09 - 11:42 AM
Amos 24 Jan 09 - 12:29 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jan 09 - 12:54 PM
GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River 24 Jan 09 - 01:37 PM
Amos 24 Jan 09 - 01:48 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jan 09 - 02:05 PM
Amos 24 Jan 09 - 03:01 PM
Amos 24 Jan 09 - 03:12 PM
Rapparee 24 Jan 09 - 04:31 PM
Rapparee 24 Jan 09 - 04:43 PM
GUEST,Feral Cheryl 24 Jan 09 - 05:46 PM
Amos 24 Jan 09 - 07:36 PM
Rapparee 24 Jan 09 - 07:44 PM
Rapparee 24 Jan 09 - 07:55 PM
Janie 24 Jan 09 - 08:08 PM
Rapparee 24 Jan 09 - 08:25 PM
Amos 24 Jan 09 - 08:30 PM
Janie 24 Jan 09 - 08:51 PM
Amos 24 Jan 09 - 11:28 PM
Janie 25 Jan 09 - 09:18 AM
Rapparee 25 Jan 09 - 10:46 AM
Amos 25 Jan 09 - 10:53 AM
GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River 25 Jan 09 - 02:48 PM
Amos 25 Jan 09 - 02:50 PM
GUEST,Corridus the Hamster 25 Jan 09 - 02:54 PM
GUEST,William Shatner 25 Jan 09 - 03:26 PM
Rapparee 25 Jan 09 - 03:28 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 25 Jan 09 - 03:49 PM
Amos 25 Jan 09 - 04:21 PM
Amos 25 Jan 09 - 04:26 PM
Acme 25 Jan 09 - 04:39 PM
Rapparee 25 Jan 09 - 05:24 PM
Amos 25 Jan 09 - 05:35 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 09:32 AM

I'd think so, yes. Both. Or maybe neither. I guess it all depends. Why not simply ask Gluon?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 01:16 PM

Well, Mom, I thought maybe I'd snag 27272, but I guess instead that this is goodbye.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 01:38 PM

say WHAT?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 01:40 PM

He's found out that Shane doesn't like him. Shane has written him off for good.

It was just too big a shock. Rapaire is going to end it all now that he knows that Shane has no further use for him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 02:34 PM

Rapaire, Rapaire,
He has a flair
For snagging people's
Underwear
And deftly turning at the wrist
Imposing in those things, a twist.
His art is subtlem and the kicker
Is that its someone else's knickers!
SO let us say a gentle prayer
For the horrid soul of old Rapaire.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 03:48 PM

Hi, Mom. I'm back from lunch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 04:16 PM

Oh! NICE recovery. But we know better, man. We know you are hurting. Look, I could talk to Shane and try to get him to reconsider. Yes, I'll try, but I can't promise you anything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 04:34 PM

You can talk to Shame if you really want to and if he's sober enough to hear anything -- I know that he really doesn't know his ear from his...mouth...and sometimes pours the beer in the wrong orifice. But if he really wants to meet, mano a mano, I'll be happy to oblige him. Next Monday, January 26, High Noon (MST), in front of the 100 block of North Union Pacific Avenue, Pocatello, Idaho.

Tell him to come heeled, because I'm looking forward to shooting him full of holes. And I plan to use silver bullets to kill this ghost deader'n Bear River Tom Smith.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 04:40 PM

I will relay your message to "The Man".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 04:47 PM

Rapaire has already killed Shane, using his mystic Sulanese Divorce technique. Now he's offering to do so again. This is getting really weird, man.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 05:04 PM

So the big news, the photo of Gluon's parents, is already forgotten?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 05:27 PM

Oh heavens! Not at all! But I fear that Gluon's daddy is in the local dog pound, doing hard time for doing hard time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 10:35 PM

What a dog!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 10:38 PM

This girl is a big fan of Chongo's.

- !!! -

She was a worker on the recent APP campaign for the presidency.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 10:20 AM

Is she the one Chongo kept in his "office" all the time? Or is she the reason he was always late to public functions, showing up all disheveled and smelling of cheap perfume and cheaper whiskey?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:13 AM

I don't think he got cheap perfume and cheaper whiskey from this young woman. I think he'd come back smelling like fancy Starbuck's coffee and designer shampoo and conditioner.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:41 AM

She might even use the wonderful Clairol Herbal Essence hair care products!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:42 AM

27272   


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 12:29 PM

Whistle me up a palindrome
Whistle me back where I long to roam,
Flip my number, far from home,
In MOAB territoreee.....


Congratulations, Miss Maggie, on your stellar acquisition of such a fine reversible, two-tone, down-lined, Harris Tweed number!! Not a bad feat for a school ma'arm, I swan.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 12:54 PM

I'll see your swan and raise you a Canada Goose.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 01:37 PM

So Rapaire...you flip-faced bastard! You wanna half it out with me, eh? Okay, man, I will take you on, but not with guns, no way. Guns are fer loosers and cowerds. And I am not comin' to Poplatello. No flippin' way, eh? Why shoudl I? Why should I hafta go anywheres?

No way, baybe! I want you to come HERE. To BlinD River. And if you are not a flippin' cowerd I know you will, eh?

And here is how it will be. You will face the Blind River test of yer flippin' manhood against ME, the King of Blind River. You will hafta do these three tests of manhood:

1. Chug a entire 2-4 down of Export in under 10 minutes. First man to finish wins.

2. Wrassle a strag dog in the back alleyway behind the Iron Horse Tavern fer a piece of day-old pizza. If the dog scarfs down more of the pizza than you do, you loose. If you get bit, tough!

3. Flip the winner of the last Iron Horse Tavern Wet T-Shirt Contest...in the back of Don's Van...no matter what the wether is like at the time. (I am challengin' you in February, man! You know what that means, eh?)

Them girls are tough. If you ain't got what it takes they will rip yer mungoberries right off, throw 'em in yer face, and kick you outta town!

You have been flippin' warned.

- Shane


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 01:48 PM

Ya know, it is an amusing thought to hypothesize that the streams of prose coming out of Hawk's imaginary playmates are projections of buried aspirations and ambitions toward ways of being in the world that the author himself does not want to take ownership of, but which reflect his suppressed desires.

Thus, he fancies himself an overweight and overpaid actor sometimes, and at other times a scrawny, horny, beer-addicted ne'er-do-well; and he would love to roam the woodwork in the form of a large hamster, and swing from trees and shoot down bad guys and avoid his familial responsibilities like Chongo. All in all, it is no surprise he has sequestered himself in a small Canadian backwater. Why, if he was let loose on the world to actually realize his potential it would be catastrophic for Western civilization.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 02:05 PM

Heh! Yeah, that's one way of looking at it, Amos.

The other possibility is that I enjoy satirizing the lives of people I either despise...or am utterly unlike in various respects. The former would be fun to do, the latter would be a refreshing change.

It's probably a combination of all those possibilities that drives me, and you gotta figure out which one applies where.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 03:01 PM

Filed at 2:41 p.m. ET

INDEPENDENCE, Iowa (AP) -- An Iowa woman has been arrested because she failed to return a library book.

"Thirty-nine-year-old Shelly Koontz was arrested Thursday night on a fifth-degree theft charge. She is accused of keeping ''The Freedom Writers Diary,'' which she checked out from the public library in nearby Jesup in April.

Police say the book -- which is about a high school teacher's effort to inspire students to write -- is valued at $13.95.

Court records show library employees tried repeatedly to contact Koontz by phone and mail. A police officer even visited her home last September.

Officials at the Buchanan County jail say Koontz was released after posting $250 bond. No telephone listing for Koontz could be found in the Independence area."



I can see it now, a few years down the road when Rapaire's trainees are running the show. The front door gets kicked in and a flash-bang goes off. Lithe, buff 20-somethings in protective body armor burst through waving TASERS and electronic "book detection devices" (BDDs).

"Librarian SWAT ream!! Nobody move!!!!"

"Don't Koontz me, man! Don't Koontz me!!!! Aieeeee!!!!"

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 03:12 PM

Little Hawk:

I know that is the way it seems, but you of all people should know that the people you despise enter your life through your own fevered creative embrace of them.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 04:31 PM

We ALREADY send to cops in. Why should we go? It's their job.

1. Young man never returned US $1,200 worth of stuff. We sent the cops; turned out he was "mentally challenged" and his mother (whom he never told about the books), the cop, and I worked out a deal.

2. Woman had over $800 worth out. Repeated efforts got no response, even to the "return receipt" certified letter even though the receipt was returned. We got the stuff back and she spent a night in jail -- seems like she skipped her appointment with her probation officer as well.

3. Young man returned a bunch of stuff he found in an apartment he'd just rented, saving another guy from having a warrant sworn out against him for Grand Theft (>$1,200).

I take this "public trust" stuff seriously. You're warned when you sign for a card, you get all sorts of warnings, you ignore them at your peril.

Rapaire

"Serving The Public Trust Since May 5, 2003 (no tellin' what he did before that)"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 04:43 PM

Oh, yeah.

Shame of the McBrides:

We'll compromise. I'll meet you in Moose Jaw or Saskatoon (your choice) for the Big Finale.

Of course, if you're a scared, whimpering, panty-wearing, Budweiser-drinking, Sponge Bob of a little mama's boy, hiding behind mama's skirts....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Feral Cheryl
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 05:46 PM

My Shane ain't no wimp. I'll be there too and I'll GET you Ray-pear. You lay one hand on my Shane and I'll dee-stroy you. may even de-fenestre you. Maybe (sob) Shane will then finally acknowledge my deep love for him.

f.c.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 07:36 PM

Nah, CHeryl, it ain't gonna happen. Shane does not acknowledge love, because his heart is as dried as an empty beer can on a frozen highway. Walk away while you still have a heart left, dear child. Dramatizing anger in Rapaire's direction will not solve the bitterness inside of you, which is born from endless associations with Blind River losers and bums. Move to Montreal, and get into folk music. Start with the kazoo. Believe me, some day you will thank me for this advice.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 07:44 PM

Whilst poking around on the World Wide Web, I found a few interesting things. The first was found in what appears to have been a privy at L'Anse Aux Meadows. It was written originally in the Far Northern dialect of Hellulund, a language variant not particularly good for poetry; I've done my best to translate it and noted in square brackets that which I could not because of a) lack of knowledge of the language (and no one today is or really wants to be fluent in any dialect of Hellulundic), or b) the word or phrase was missing the in original and I've put in my best guess of what appropriate. The manuscript dates to about 1390.

...came amongst us / one who called himself Mabrid
Crept he from the bilge of Eiric's / ship yclept "High Wave Rider"
Crept he with the other bilge [rats?] / to infect our home and farm
He was black of hair / and squat of stature
[Pocked?] his face / with seeping sores
Even then we gave him succor / opened to him our home and hearth
But he showed no thanks to us / eating all, our food [and] his lice
Drinking until he was well-drunken / then he pissed into the beer tun
[Molested?] he our sheep and chickens / not excepting ducks and drakes
When he was taken off by natives / no cared to save his [hide?]...


Another is from the journal of Auguste Pierre Rampaul, a voyageur who trapped in Northern Ontario in the early 18th century. Again, I've done my best to translate.

...We found living apart from them [the Hurons, apparently] a family quite notorious for their filthy way of living and vicious habits, which included vices I will not describe as they would make even the most degraded brute (which these [the Indians with whom he was staying] assuredly are not) sick with disgust and loathing. We were told they were called "M'bride" and had been kept with the tribe for many, many years as they would eat the garbage of the longhouse, but never to turn your back to them....

The third is from the diary of Abigail Smith, a young woman of Blind River, Ontario. It dates from the 1920s, but that is all that can be told about it.

...Wednesday. Last night was so funny! Jane was teasing "Little Dicky" McBride (you remember why he was called that, don't you Dear Diary?) when he started to cry. It seems that he'd had his hand on his you-know when he got a cramp in his hand and he said he'd "lost his cherry." Jane, Kate, and I laughed and giggled about it for hours, and I found later that Bill and Pete had beaten him up when he ran for that shack they call a home for "playing" with Jane. It was so funny! You'd think someone that was 24 years old would be more of a man!...

I bring these up purely in the interest of scholarship.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 07:55 PM

Oh, and f.c.:

Take Amos's advice. For a change it's good advice. The late Shame McBride will only destroy you...he used women and then left them to drown in their tears. You're far, far, better than he ever was.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 08:08 PM

I interrupt this program for an important question.

What does FFS stand for in internet speak?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 08:25 PM

"FFS   For F*** Sake"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 08:30 PM

And F**** stands for "Fuck's".

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 08:51 PM

Thanks guys. I just knew I could count on you. (And sorry Mom, for disrupting the story-line.)

Excuse me while I exchange exposure to the testosterone of male sibling rivalry for the testosterone of Middle Age Dating;>)

I know Rap is right, and Shan(m)e must be truly dead, or he would be wreaking havoc on that thread, which has done this weird morph into adolescents, teaching morals and responsibility, and sex education.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:28 PM

BEyond all that--with great respect--here's the weirdest discussion of the nature of the universe I have ever heard. It is Stephen Hawkings expostulating on the analytical work concerning the Big Bang and its implications.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 09:18 AM

Here it is after 9:00 in the morning, Mom, and no one has brought you breakfast. Here, I think you will like this.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 10:46 AM

I'm reminded by a music thread that I really wanted to "meet" Shame McBride. My trigger fingers are itchin' somethin' fierce.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 10:53 AM

Meeting Shame is surely something you have had enough of in this life, Sir Libris.

Mom. here's a treat for after brekkie. Kendall says it is a good quote.

"When understanding occurs, simplicity reigns."





A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 02:48 PM

You don't fool me, man! I know what is goin' on, eh? You are arfraid to come to Blind River! You are afraide to meet yer total dee-struckshen which is what would happen, man, if you took the bull by the flippin' horns and come here to face me. I know you will not do it. I can flippin' garan-T it. Well, that is okay cos everyone here in the Great White North will know that you are just a big fat empty mouth that don't dare to face down Shane McBride! We are laffin' at you, man. Stay down in Poplatello with the other flippin' greaseball cowerds cos that is where youse flippin' belong!

- Shane McBride


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 02:50 PM

Little Hawk, be careful you don't fall in...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Corridus the Hamster
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 02:54 PM

This subject isn't worth two stale sesame seeds at the end of a very long and dusty tunnel...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,William Shatner
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 03:26 PM

Some might say the same of this entire thread... ;-D

But that would be insensitive, wouldn't it? Well, far be it from me to be...insensitive!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 03:28 PM

Shame, Shame (or whoever you are). I've been to Blind River; in fact, I just returned. I stayed (just so you know) at the Auberge Eldo Inn on Highway 17 (the Trans-Can Highway), and you wouldn't have been permitted there because the motel is completely non-smoking.

I was looking for YOU, BOY. I got fed UP with your mouthin' off, with your general ugliness, and I was determined to both of them permanently. I looked for you in all the usual spots, little boy, and you weren't there.

Then, a member of the OPP asked what I was doing and I told her that I was "looking" for you. She took me in her car to the cemetery and pointed to a sunken grave (hard to tell in the snow). The marker said "Shane McBride" and gave birth and death dates.

I've done, it, punk. You chickened out. I've offered to meet you literally half way, but you didn't take me up on it.

So:

I herewith post the so-called Shane McBride, or whoever it is who is posted as him, as a coward, a drunken poltroon, and a liar.

If you wish to do something about it I will meet you at any day or place convenient FOR ME.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 03:49 PM

Oh, my! Getting rather worked up, aren't we? I don't know about you, but I always find my blood coursing a bit faster through my veins at the thought of an "affair of honour" being settled by two grim-faced, well-dressed, self-important men, their taut faces pale but determined as they size each other up across a bare stretch of misty ground on some chosen field of mortal combat, their seconds and assistants standing mute to one side, the last moments ticking away as they balance their gigantic, swaggering, bloated egos on the unpredictable razor's edge of fate...a few beads of sweat appearing on a suitably stiff upper lip or two...eyes narrowed...the pretense of outer calm masking the sudden rush of inner panic that causes the mustache to tremble ever so slightly...

What a pity that in this case one of them has not even shown up! With any luck you might kill one another simultaneously, leaving the world a little richer in your passing.

You people in the former colonies really do need a little qualified instruction in these formalized matters. I'll have to see if I can get dear Winston (my husband) to take a little trip to North America and give dueling comportment lessons to the needy. God knows...it would get him out of the house for awhile, and wouldn't that be just grand! Things might finally become somewhat sane and sensible around here. I would remodel the Vicar's Inn, turn it into a decent place, throw out his layabout wastrel friends and their filty cigars, and turn that disgusting bar into a vegetarian buffet...with live chamber music on the weekends.

Someday, Penelope, someday...

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 04:21 PM

Chinga tells me she knows Penelope well--they were going to go partners on a franchise in Hull, with Penelope providing the venture capital, and a few of the upper-class candidates from amongst her exclusive circle, while Chinga did the on-the ground start-up management.

Unfortunately, Winston got wind of it and said it would never do. He was adamant. Just thik, he pointed out, what your friends at the mudcat would say? I can't have you associated with some slovenly house of ill-repute in a third-rate town like 'Ull!! Penelope remonstrated, protested, pouted, flounced, wept quietly, and even tried having a tantrum, but he would not be moved. Finally she gave in and agreed to move the whole plan to Knightsbridge, which he thought would be rather jolly... Penelope hasn't told Chinga yet, though. She's not sure if C. would fit in.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 04:26 PM

Which, by the way, establishes yet ANOTHER century mark for our revered Mom!!!!!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 04:39 PM

Geez, Louise, Little Hawk.

Isn't it a little crowded in there?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 05:24 PM

Actually, Amos, a little birching might well do Ms. Penelope's hubby some good. It certainly wouldn't have hurt the late Shame...but then he might have grown to truly enjoy it (if you catch my drift) and have turned into a public school bully.

And Ms. Penelope -- I am quite a good shot with rifle, pistol, and shotgun (I've taken a few grouse in my time, but not in the last few years) and a fair hand with saber, rapier, and small sword. It would never have come to that with the late Shame McBride, sniveling and whining coward that he was.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 05:35 PM

Now, now, Rapaire--don't be badmouthing one of Leedle Hack's inventions to another one...you could inadvertently make his brain explode. At least, I think it would be inadvertent.


A


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