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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 12 Jan 12 - 08:54 AM
Amos 12 Jan 12 - 10:08 AM
GUEST,Hohk-Ptui 12 Jan 12 - 12:40 PM
Amos 12 Jan 12 - 01:37 PM
gnu 12 Jan 12 - 01:45 PM
Rapparee 12 Jan 12 - 04:54 PM
Amos 12 Jan 12 - 07:11 PM
Little Hawk 12 Jan 12 - 07:18 PM
gnu 12 Jan 12 - 08:19 PM
Rapparee 12 Jan 12 - 08:39 PM
Acme 12 Jan 12 - 08:58 PM
Rapparee 12 Jan 12 - 09:13 PM
Acme 13 Jan 12 - 12:08 AM
Rapparee 13 Jan 12 - 09:45 AM
Amos 13 Jan 12 - 10:04 AM
Acme 13 Jan 12 - 01:34 PM
Little Hawk 13 Jan 12 - 02:15 PM
Rapparee 13 Jan 12 - 07:07 PM
gnu 13 Jan 12 - 07:53 PM
Amos 13 Jan 12 - 07:55 PM
gnu 13 Jan 12 - 07:58 PM
Rapparee 13 Jan 12 - 10:38 PM
Acme 14 Jan 12 - 12:57 AM
Acme 14 Jan 12 - 09:57 AM
Rapparee 14 Jan 12 - 10:44 AM
Acme 14 Jan 12 - 12:18 PM
gnu 14 Jan 12 - 01:47 PM
Rapparee 14 Jan 12 - 03:35 PM
Don Firth 14 Jan 12 - 04:45 PM
Rapparee 14 Jan 12 - 10:07 PM
Amos 15 Jan 12 - 12:05 AM
Rapparee 15 Jan 12 - 02:02 PM
gnu 15 Jan 12 - 02:06 PM
Amos 15 Jan 12 - 04:19 PM
Rapparee 15 Jan 12 - 04:43 PM
Amos 15 Jan 12 - 08:49 PM
gnu 15 Jan 12 - 08:58 PM
Rapparee 15 Jan 12 - 09:57 PM
Amos 15 Jan 12 - 10:46 PM
Amos 16 Jan 12 - 10:28 AM
Rapparee 16 Jan 12 - 10:42 AM
Amos 16 Jan 12 - 01:24 PM
Acme 16 Jan 12 - 01:38 PM
Amos 16 Jan 12 - 02:20 PM
Amos 16 Jan 12 - 02:21 PM
Amos 16 Jan 12 - 02:21 PM
Little Hawk 16 Jan 12 - 03:14 PM
Little Hawk 16 Jan 12 - 03:26 PM
Rapparee 16 Jan 12 - 05:26 PM
Amos 16 Jan 12 - 05:59 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 08:54 AM

I'm working on a telepathetic interface, so you just have to think about what you want to do and the machine flashes "LOSER!! You're pathetic!! Get a life!! You EVER been on a date??" on the screen. I hope that this will improve both the health and temper of certain individuals.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 10:08 AM

You can't use a telepathic interface until you can find something to think....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Hohk-Ptui
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 12:40 PM

My last posting was interrupted.

We have decided to rescind our previous rescission regarding continual observation of your species. This is your notice of that decision. Please continue as you have been, as this decision is only to assist us to decide further rescissions. Should that occur you will again be notified of our decision.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 01:37 PM

Oh these masters of nuclear fission!
Their brains are all splashing and splishing!
Their rules are in constant revision
And edition soon follows edition
Just in time for another rescission!
They'd be better off all going fishin'!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 01:45 PM

Oh, I definitely use a corded mouse. Laser. $12.99.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 04:54 PM

When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to a galactic firm
I cleaned the windows and I swept the deck
And I published up recissions to other worlds, by heck!
(He published up recissions to other worlds, by heck!)
I published up recissions so carefully
That now I am the Ruler of the Space Navy!
(He published up recissions so carefully
That now he is the Ruler of the Space Navy!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 07:11 PM

If a Gnu puts a mouse to his use,
Does it constitute Species Abuse?
If a new law forbad it,
He'd get pretty mad. It
Might lead him to buying a Moose!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 07:18 PM

Bravo!!! (Clap! Clap! Clap!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 08:19 PM

Oh, I got a moose! It's my digitizing board moose. Well, it was... the digitizing board (cost me well over a grand 15 years ago) went the way of the dinasaurs in my business years ago. I drew a set of moose horns on a tablet backing board, cut it out and taped it to the multi-button mouse. I was rather proud of it. Small things amuse...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 08:39 PM

I've played music on a trumpet, a treble clef baritone, shotgun barrels (not attached to a shotgun at the time), a garden hose, a bugle, a hunting horn, a sea shell, and a bunch of other things. But never a moose horn. The ones I've seen didn't have a place to blow into and/or they were still part of the moose. And they seem kinda flat, like you wouldn't get much tone from them.

Do moose blow their own horns?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 08:58 PM

About seven years ago when we had to replace computers and electronics after a burglary I replaced a track ball (I'd just bought the new one and when they hauled the computer out of the house with everything still wired, the ball popped out of it.) My new computer had a laser mouse, and the kids had been using the old roller mouse. I think their new computer came with one of those still, and my son was complaining. I got the unused HP laser mouse box out of the closet and handed it over - you had to be there to see the pleased expression on this kid's face. "Cool!" and he was off, computing with the smooth eye of the laser making his work easier. I just don't like having to wag the damned things all over a desk. With track balls the laser is inside and the pattern on the ball does the trick. They aren't very good for drawing with though.

Gluon and the girls are going to have to move over in the garage to make room for Zeke. His human mom was critically injured when she was a pedestrian hit by a car in a parking lot at work this morning. Her daughter called to ask me to retrieve him from the house. She's in ICU with a head injury, a broken hip, and recent eye surgery that may fail because of all of the rest of this. I suspect he'll be here for months.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jan 12 - 09:13 PM

What sort is Zeke?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 12:08 AM

Chocolate lab. No shame, counter surfs like the best of them (grabbing whatever food is left unattended), into sleeping on couches and people beds.

I called a friend who has labs, and she suggested, among other things, establish a tub or basket of some kind for his toys. Now to figure out what are appropriate toys that he'll play with. He has a favorite ball he fetches, but that stays out in the yard. I suppose I could load up on tennis balls. Golf balls are a bit small or I'd ask you to send a basket of them from your back yard - you know, the back back yard. Grab 'em when no one is looking. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 09:45 AM

Yeah, he might choke on a Titleist or something. Nothing like saying to a lady in the hospital, "Oh, I'm so glad you're doing so well. By the way, I accidentally killed your dog." Most labs I know will pretty much destroy anything short of a beer keg. Zeke might like a basketball, football, or other inflatable that he can't sink his teeth into and deflate.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 10:04 AM

Tennis balls are semirigid even when pierced and make endless hours of fun as long as you are willing to throw...some dogs will drive themselves to exhaustion just to chase the f**kers one more time...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 01:34 PM

My dogs have one of these that they mostly ignore but he adores it. And as you say, he'll retrieve it as long as I'm willing to throw it. We need some variety, though.

What toys does Gluon have in her toy bin?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 02:15 PM

"semirigid" - Kind of like the condition Chongo was in after the New Year's celebrations?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 07:07 PM

Well, Gluon's got a couple of training bosons for fetch and a leg hump.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 07:53 PM

I'm not going for a walk in the rain tonight. I'm in the mood to say, as they say in NFLD, fuggit.

I know that's not interesting at all but fuggit, I don't care. That's just the mood I am in.

After seeing the doc... blood tests? ... CAT scan and then maybe an MRI? Friday the 13th? Yeah right. I'll bet I won't even win the lotto super 7 tonight. And then I'll have to wait a dog's age to get the tests done. What a shitty day.

Fuggit!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 07:55 PM

Maybe Gnu would volunteer to be a chew toy if you paid his fare? He sounds kind of apathetic at the moment...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 07:58 PM

Yeah, go ahead, bite me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jan 12 - 10:38 PM

Oh, look at the bright side! Always look on the sunny side! And go out -- let a smile be your umbrella! Tell Old Man Depression you ain't with him no more! Remember that it takes only 7 muscles to smile but 14 to frown! Turn that frown upside-down! Laughter is the best medicine! There's a light at the end of the tunnel! You got the sun in the morning and the moon at night! Mr. Bluebird's on your shoulder! And it always seems darkest just before everything really goes black!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 12:57 AM

[gag]

I'm sure gnu wouldn't like Texas. We don't really have winter here, not like Canukistan. That would mean Zeke would be retrieving him all day long, little slow-down for bad weather. Most of the dog toys are in the yard, though I will be making a bin in the living room to keep him focused on "his" toys and leave the rest of the house alone. It's a big brass pot I used to keep a houseplant in. Comfy for sleep? I think not. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 09:57 AM

MOM! Are you hungry? Aren't any of the others up yet to check on you? I'll start a batch of blueberry muffins. I imagine they'll wander in and want to share your breakfast with you.

I bet the oven mitt is on the floor because of Zeke, not Gluon. But the fact that the kitchen light comes on and sparkles like a carnival ride, flying around the room, is because of Gluon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 10:44 AM

Gluon is definitely responsible for the patch of missing lawn...and earth. Damned duckdog "went outside" and now I can see clear through to the other side. The whole place is swarming with physicists, geologists, and all sort of odd types -- one of the astronomers wants to put a lens on each end and make a telescope! Why can't that damned duckdog scratch dirt on the pile like the rest of 'em?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 12:18 PM

What did you feed her last night? That may be part of the problem.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 01:47 PM

Mr. Bluebird's crapped on my shoulder. Anyone got a bluebird recipe?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 03:35 PM

Substitute bluebird for ortolan in this recipe.

Ortolans are solitary birds: they fly in pairs, rarely three together, and never in flocks. They are taken in traps, from March or April to September, when they are often poor and thin; but, if fed with plenty of millet-seed and other grain, they become sheer lumps of fat, and delicious morsels. They are fattened thus in large establishments in the south of Europe; and Mr. Gould states this to be effected in Italy and the south of France in a dark room.

The Ortolan is considered sufficiently fat when it is a handful; and is judged by feeling it, and not by appearance. They should not be killed with violence, like other birds; this might crush and bruise the delicate flesh, and spoil the coup d'ceil - to avoid which, the best mode is to plunge the head of the Ortolan into a glass of brandy.

Having picked the bird of its feathers, singe it with the flame of paper or spirit of wine; cat off the beak, and ends of the feet; do not draw it; put it into a paper case soaked in olive oil, and broil it over a slow fire. It will not require such afire as would do a steak; slack cinders, like those for a pigeon a la cravaudine, being sufficient; in a few minutes the Ortolan will swim in its own fat and will be cooked. Some gourmands wrap each bird in a vine-leaf.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 04:45 PM

I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and got all excited.

Turned out to be a freakin' express train coming straight at me!!

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 10:07 PM

I did too, Don. It turned out to be molten lava and then an earthquake blocked the way I came it. But I had the strength of ten because my heart was pure and I blew until that lava cooled down. Then, using only my fingernails, I dug my way out and onto the sunny side of the street...where I got badly sunburned and now have skin cancer.

I had my eyes examined yesterday. The doctor was shining a bright light into my dilated eyes, telling me to look this way and that. Finally I said, "If I look straight ahead I see a bright light!" He replied, "Just don't move toward it."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 12:05 AM

DOctors are always discouraging that sort of Grand Adventure. I would move right up to it and stare it down...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 02:02 PM

This was sent to me....
--------------------------------------------------
Some thoughts to ponder as we get a little older.

What I want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5 Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. BREATHING
2. DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 02:06 PM

Women are SO demanding!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 04:19 PM

I thought that was Rapp's list of desiderata. Sent from God to his ear.

Ah, well.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 04:43 PM

No, Amos. It was sent to me via email. The stuff I get Direct is much more interesting.

By the way, don't go in the ocean today because there's a 50/50 chance you'll spontaneously combust. I was Told to tell you this.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 08:49 PM

I am no caesium, nor yet potassium,
So tell your CLod Whisperer to aroint,
His science makes of him an assium,
And any schoolboy proves the point.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 08:58 PM

You were "told"? But, if are the supreme overlord, the creator in the first degree, how could you be "told"? Alas, another of my heroes trashed. It's so sad. I shant sleep well tonight.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 09:57 PM

I find that talking with myself is very productive.

Amos, it is obvious
That probability you ignore
For you could burst into flames
Just walking through your door.
It could snow in San Diego
Or the weather could be nifty
For the chances of anything happening
Is always fifty-fifty.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jan 12 - 10:46 PM

A Clod Whisperer most egotistical
Tried asserting his means were heuristical
But his pompous portent
Proved him most ignor-ant
Of methods and precepts statistical.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 10:28 AM

Ποικιλόθρον', ἀθάνατ' Ἀφρόδιτα,
παῖ Δίος, δολόπλοκε, λίσσομαί σε
μή μ' ἄσαισι μήτ' ὀνίαισι δάμνα,
       πότνια, θῦμον·

ἀλλὰ τυῖδ' ἔλθ', αἴποτα κἀτέρωτα
τᾶς ἔμας αὔδως ἀΐοισα πήλυι
ἒκλυες, πάτρος δὲ δόμον λίποισα
       χρύσιον ἦλθες

Thanks, Sappho. You were always there when I needed you most.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 10:42 AM

What did you do? Translate Sappho into Old Mid-Northwestern Norse?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 01:24 PM

Wotta mess, huh? I pasted a Greek font but it came out looking like trout's droppings.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 01:38 PM

At least you have marks on the page, Amos! I posted something last night and it came out not appearing at all!

I think I said something like Clod Whisperer is better than Clodhopper.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 02:20 PM

Onward, MOAB
Let us strive...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 02:21 PM

For the tribe,
And for the hive!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 02:21 PM

This is forty-three
And five!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 03:14 PM

What countest thou, sir?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 03:26 PM

And whither goes thou?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 05:26 PM

Dicio, "Quo vadis?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 12 - 05:59 PM

Dullwit, jackanapes, thou putrid bag-snatch and cat-hassler! ANother half of Kay has been surpassed! What, art asleep? Mayhap beheaded unbenownst to our Mom? Has some surgeon gassed thee? At this hour full awake and knowing shouldst be!


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