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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 26 Feb 12 - 10:05 PM
Little Hawk 26 Feb 12 - 08:52 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 12 - 07:45 PM
Amos 26 Feb 12 - 05:30 PM
Amos 26 Feb 12 - 01:11 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 12 - 10:16 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 26 Feb 12 - 08:51 AM
Amos 25 Feb 12 - 11:01 PM
GUEST,Don McBride 25 Feb 12 - 10:54 PM
gnu 25 Feb 12 - 07:30 PM
Acme 25 Feb 12 - 05:44 PM
Amos 25 Feb 12 - 04:04 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 12 - 03:51 PM
Little Hawk 25 Feb 12 - 03:44 PM
Amos 25 Feb 12 - 02:28 PM
gnu 25 Feb 12 - 01:22 PM
Acme 25 Feb 12 - 12:32 PM
Little Hawk 25 Feb 12 - 11:36 AM
Amos 25 Feb 12 - 01:34 AM
Acme 25 Feb 12 - 12:59 AM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 10:41 PM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 12 - 10:21 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 09:00 PM
gnu 24 Feb 12 - 08:24 PM
Amos 24 Feb 12 - 07:34 PM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 12 - 07:23 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 12 - 02:39 PM
Amos 24 Feb 12 - 02:26 PM
Acme 24 Feb 12 - 11:17 AM
Amos 24 Feb 12 - 10:47 AM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 12 - 01:05 AM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 10:24 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 10:22 PM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 10:00 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 09:08 PM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 03:22 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 03:16 PM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 10:29 AM
Rapparee 23 Feb 12 - 10:21 AM
Amos 23 Feb 12 - 10:01 AM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM
gnu 22 Feb 12 - 10:30 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Feb 12 - 08:22 PM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 06:51 PM
Little Hawk 22 Feb 12 - 05:58 PM
gnu 22 Feb 12 - 02:32 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Feb 12 - 02:22 PM
Rapparee 22 Feb 12 - 02:16 PM
gnu 22 Feb 12 - 01:01 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 10:05 PM

Notes from a parallel universe, I suspect.

Good title for a book.

Chongo should write it up.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 08:52 PM

"Maybe Eiseley would putt you up"

Is that some sort of suggestive remark?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 07:45 PM

Have you considered earring shades? They're supposed to help you here and if you do don't forget that I ain't gonna be here from the 5th for about two weeks so you better bring a slipping bag so you'll have a place to slip. Maybe Eiseley would putt you up but she doesn't live by a gulf curse.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 05:30 PM

Well, don't ALL applaud at once!! Makes it hard to hear!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 01:11 PM

Good morning, Mom. Little Hawk has made you Rapparree crepes for breakfast, with home-grown honey and fresh biscuits on the side.

I am running a Word macro to highlight any sentences in a book longer than 45 words, and it is taking forever to complete. Valuable though. You know how I tend to run on sometimes.

The sun has come out, and the SIL and BBW are off to the world-renowned San Diego Zoo. Peace reigns, black coffee and birdsong color the sunlit morning, and life, by Gawd, is good.

Thing I really hate about week-ends is it takes me one and a half days to recover my equanimity and center my soul, and half-a-day later I am back to the sobering and slightly stultifying business of doing others' tasks for money. Not to complain--the money makes many other things possible, all of which I value. I am just sayin', ya know?

Have a delightful sun-rich day, Mater!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 10:16 AM

You do that. Learn to throw them with your feet as well. And your tail -- don't forget that you can throw them with your tail. Then you and me can have a face-down -- you can throw knives and I'll use a rifle.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 08:51 AM

I been thinkin' of gettin' a set of really sharp knives and learnin' some top flight knife throwin' skills. I got the idea from watchin' this Chinese Kungfu film. HOO-HAH!!! There was this little Black Belt Chinese gal in the film who could throw knives and little axes faster than a tommy gun spits lead. I was more than impressed. She was in this scene where she is fightin' about 500 completely insane little Chinese guys with axes inside a 2 story clubhouse that belonged to the big gangster kingpin. KREE-GAH!!! You shoulda seen it! There was little crazy Chinese guys gettin' diced up so fast it looked like that scene in Ratatouille where the lady chef Collete is choppin' up the vegetables. Every now and then a fat one would try to kill her too...but they all went down just the same.

CHOPPITY! CHOPPITY CHOP! EEEEE-YAAAAAHGH! CHOP! BANG! ARRGH! SLICE! SHRIEK! AAAAAAYEEEEEE!

Man, I LOVE these Kungfu films! Specially with the female lead.

I just gotta get me a set of them Kungfu throwing knives. And some Nunchucks too. I will practice on the wooden cigar store Gorilla I got standin' in the front office.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 11:01 PM

A young man came with a recommendation from a friend--typical time-honored sales presentation; but the friend had been so enthusiastic about the knives and the actual knives so good that we were persuaded. As a result we have gotten rid of about twenty miscellaneous knives we had collected over the decades and have a nice orderly knife block and new cutting board pleasantly arrayed in the galley.

BTW if you ever get a chance to see a play called "In the Wake" by Lisa Kron, do not miss it., It is one of the most emotionally honest and deep-reaching things I have ever seen.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 10:54 PM

My littel bruther ain't the sharpest nife in the drawer, eh? Still...he cuts like a nife! Speshally after eatin' pork and beans!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Word is that he give up on the hunger strike after they brung in a box of Timbits, a coffee, and some back bacon.

But now he is on a sex strike!!! He has swore to have no sexxual acktivities whatso-flippin'-EVER until he is flippin' set free from Sudberry jail.

I don't know what he means by that cos there ain't no women allowed in anyways in that part of the jail where he is...and he wouldn't...you know...not with other guys...this is fer sure, eh? No flippin' WAY!!!

Oh, wait..I think I know what he means! Hmmm. I can't see how he is gonna perswade them to let him go with this new sex strike idea, but it should be inneresting to see how flippin' long the boy holds out!

I give it 3 days. Max.

- Don


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 07:30 PM

I have cheap knives and I sharpen them with a chainsaw file. I are Kent County. And I cook and carve good.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 05:44 PM

They are good knives, they last a long time, but their methods of selling weren't that great back when I was in college as was approached about selling them. How did you buy them?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 04:04 PM

We have just taken delivery on a complete set of such knives from the Cutco company. SOme long, some short, all sharp as a wicked wink from the debbil.   They are delightful and cut like a hot knife through butter. Well, whatever....

A
First Vowel


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 03:51 PM

Well, that's good. I'm glad Amos told me. Otherwise I would spend a lot of time and worry on whether or not I was deranged. Now my heart and mind are at peace and I can Get On With Life.

Have I mentioned my long, sharp knives lately? They're really sharp and the blades are nice and long. I like my long sharp knives. They're long and sharp and have nice points. They're good knives, long and sharp and with good points. I don't think I've mentioned them lately.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 03:44 PM

YES! But don't despair. There may be a part open for you in the Chongo campaign. They can take you around in a steel cage as a traveling exhibit to demonstrate the basic principles and horrendous vices of rank specism combined with mental instability. You will be well paid, and you will have the satisfaction of helping to bring a new age of freedom and equality to the society you love.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 02:28 PM

Well, Rapparee seems anxious to have someone confirm his darkest suspicions about his own derangement; so I will step forward and take one for Mom's team. Your darkest suspicions, sir, are completely, horribly, true.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 01:22 PM

"You callin' me deranged? Are ya? Huh?"

Definitely not! I was talkin bout LH's new character creation. However, if the foo shits...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 12:32 PM

It had better be!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 11:36 AM

Oh, I do, I do. ;-)

Stilly, the bird you are referring to may be the Perennially Aggrieved Eastern Plover, popularly known as the Periwinkle. The Periwinkle is almost always offended by prevailing conditions, whatever they may be, and is usually glimpsed departing the area as you say...in a fit of pique, and with its nose in the air. No Periwinkle is never really satisfied nor is it likely to stick around long, because nothing ever meets its unqualified approval. It is a migratory bird.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 01:34 AM

It's certainly not my place to decide that you are deranged, Rapp. I think Little Hawk understands this.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 12:59 AM

If there is anyone who can flounce off screen in a fit of pique, leaving a few feathers behind to drift in the air, it would be a bird of your creation, LH.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM

I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm just curious.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 10:41 PM

Well, is he?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 10:21 PM

Hey, man...it's beyond dispute! ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 09:00 PM

You callin' me deranged? Are ya? Huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 08:24 PM

I can see how that would fly as a apoken piece, LH. It's brilliant. A far as another deranged, odd personality in this forum, go for it. There's always room for one more.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 07:34 PM

THere's such a fine line between creative imagination and lying about another person, Rapparee. You should study it up. Keep you safe at night, and all that.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 07:23 PM

Hi, Stilly. Not a bad idea to have Beauregard start posting on the forum! If I (and he) get time, I think it would be pretty cool to have a Napoleonic Budgie's input show up here on a regular basis. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 02:39 PM

Actually you sent a check. I was able to parlay that into enough money to take a vacation in the Southwest for the first two full weeks of March.

Sucker.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 02:26 PM

I allus said Still was a class act.

Rapp, no, you did not get6 my money. If I were a betting man, I would never bet on you being a straight bookie.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 11:17 AM

Will that Budgie start posting in the MOAB one of these days? He seemed awfully close to life-like in that poem. Delusions of Grandeur work well here.

Thanks for the poem, Amos. I wondered if I was going to pour the beer down someone's gullet - that was resourceful, melting Chongo instead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 10:47 AM

Numaree the Rapscallion is geographically challenged.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 01:05 AM

That's very kind and helpful of you, Rap. ;-)

Well, I finished up my set at the TLC Cafe tonight with a recitation of "Beauregard the Budgerigar", and it certainly got a lot of laughter and applause. Great fun! It actually works better as a spoken poem than as a song, although I do have music worked out for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:24 PM

Stuff to help Amos and others cope in society:

Redneck Manners

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:22 PM

Got your money, didn't I?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:00 PM

Sure, Rapp, sure. It was just in the poem, see. We know you stiffed all those folks you lured into wagering on an event that never happened with one imaginary contestant. Sure.. You just kept all their money and figured out all the necessary justifications and rationalizations to make it seem right, somehow. No-one thinks you really did anything as wussy as giving back money you took for a non-event. No, sirree. We know you're MUCH tougher than that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 09:08 PM

I didn't give any money back. You pays your money and you takes your chance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 03:22 PM

SO he squinted his eyes and he held his breath
And he let his arms go limp
And he waved his hands and invoked the name
Of Chongo, the dreamscape Chimp!
And a cloud of smoke rose up from the ground
SOur and thick and fat,
ANd curdy soon Chongo was standing there
Wearing shoes, and a pork-pie hat.

Wal Gnu was game, and the Chimp the same
With a mean and simian look,
He flapped his ears, and Gnu just sneered,
ANd Chongo answered, "Oook!"
It mighta turned bad, for that flea-bit lad,
We wuz miles from the nearest cop,
And the was feeling awful mad,
When a silv'ry voice said "Stop!!"

Then into the ring stepped Stilly Sage
With an attitude learned from Mother,
ANd a bucket of beer hanging from one hand
And a mess of poems in the other.
And she said with aplomb, "No child of Mom
Ever spills the blood of another!
You are each her kin, and 'twould be a sin
TO mess with the flesh of a brother!"

Now this gave Gnu pause, 'cuz he honored law,
And wanted to do whut wuz right;
But the jungle brat would have none of that,
Fer he'd set his mind on a fight.
But Stilly was calm, with the strength of Mom
"Here's a drink to persuade you", she said.
And with never a fear, she just empited that beer
All over that dumb chimp's head!

Well, old Chongo howled, and cursed and whirled,
And he gave her the Evil Eye,
And "Look what you've done, you wicked girl!"
"I'm melting!", he did cry.
And 'twas truth to say, he was melting away
Turned to smoke, from toes to ear.
Drifting off through the air, leaving Hawkster there
In a stinking puddele of beer.

Well, the folks there just kinda wandered away
Having seen more than they could stand.
And Stilly stepped over to the dripping Hawk
And pulled him up by the hand.
And the only one who was less than pleased
Was the Bookman, Rapparree,
'Cause they made him give back the dough, ya see,
Since ole Still kiboshed the spree.

This story, now, it's getting old,
And it's brought us all pretty far.
And instead of standing here in the cold,
We should all go back to the bar.
Only sixty-four posts stand ahead in line
A small enough price to pay,
And we'll see the dawn rise above our Mom
At the peak of the next of Kay!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 03:16 PM

What, pray tell, is a semolinic nederthrall? I ain't in thrall to nobody and I sure eat other stuff besides semolina.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:29 AM

You, sir, are a semiotic Neanderthal.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:21 AM

So you cut your slice of bread into five-hundred and twelfths?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 10:01 AM

Parsimony! Who would want 1/256th of a sandwich?!! I feed my parakeet better than that!! But he died.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 11:04 PM

You can use one slice of bread, cut it in half, and use the halves to make a sandwich. Or you can cut it in quarters. Or eighths. Or sixteenths. Or thirty-seconds. Or sixty-fourths. Or one-hundred twenty-eighths. Or two-hundred fifty-sixths. It depends upon how hungry you are. Cutting it into two-hundred fifty-sixths would give you one hundred twenty-eight sandwiches, or enough for a wake.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 10:30 PM

"Ya don't have two half crumbs. Ya got two crumbs, man."

George Carlin


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 08:22 PM

I bite off the sharp corner on the left side first, then the sharp corner on the right side. Then I take however many bites are required along the hypotenuse to restore the sandwich to its original triangular shape, only smaller. I then repeat the process as many times as needed until the apex is the last bite to be eaten.

Yes, Mom, I know how to spell "OCD".

By the way, has it ever occurred to you that it's impossible to make just half a sandwich? You have to first make a whole sandwich and cut it in half. A sandwich made from two half-slices of bread is not a half-sandwich. It's a half-sized whole sandwich.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 06:51 PM

I eat the middle out first, no matter how it's cut.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 05:58 PM

It doesn't sound like a country song when I do it, Amos. Melody doesn't sound country. Chord sequence doesn't sound country. It sounds like a folksong. It has the general feel of various songs Bob Dylan has recorded very simply on records such as John Wesley Harding...just my guitar, voice, and harmonica.

You look at the lyrics and...yeah...it could be country. But it isn't.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 02:32 PM

Which corners? Surely you wouldn't bite your apex? I think this survey deserves it's own thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 02:22 PM

Hi, Mom!

I'm taking a poll.

Here it is:

If you're eating a sandwich that has been cut in half diagonally, do you bite the corners off first, or take a bite out of the hypotenuse?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 02:16 PM

Cowboy poetry. Elkins, NV, January every year.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 01:01 PM

Good stuff, LH.


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